08x23 - School Days, School Daze

[bunniefuu]

Hi. This is
Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.

[♪]

Hi, sweetheart,
I'm taking orders for breakfast.

Waffles, pancakes, eggs?

Oh, just coffee for me.

I've got that breakfast meeting
with Larry.

Well, I've got to
get going myself.

I'm taking Tabitha to school
half an hour early today.

Oh, yeah. Today is the big day.

Is Tabitha nervous?

Darrin, this isn't a test

to see if she can get
into Harvard.

It's just a test to see

if she can skip
to the second grade.

Buon giorno.

It's not so buon anymore.

It could get worse.

How could it get worse?
You're already here.

Uh, is this going to take long?

No.

All I want to know is,

what is this I hear
about school?

Mother, it's not polite
to eavesdrop.

I was not eavesdropping.

You mean the house is bugged.

ENDORA:
Samantha.

Tell Durweed
he's living dangerously

when he uses the word "bug."

It's giving me ideas.

Mother says you're...

I heard. I heard.

[♪]

Now, what's this about school?

Simple.

Tabitha's started school.

Where?

Towner's Elementary.

A mortal school?

What's wrong
with a mortal school?

I went to one.

You've just answered
your own question.

Samantha, I'm violently
opposed to it.

As a grandmother,

you are certainly entitled
to your opinion.

And as a mother,
I am entitled to ignore it.

How can you deprive Tabitha
of the superior training

that only a proper witches'
finishing school can give her?

Mother, knock it off.

[SIGHS] Very well.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Since when?

[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]

[SIGHS]

Hi, Grandmamma.

"Hi, Grandmamma."

Is that the best you can do

after I've come
halfway around the world

for one of your smiles?

Not that kind of smile.

It's the best I can do,
Grandmamma.

What's wrong, my precious?

School. I have to take a test.

They want to see
if I'm smart enough

to go into the second grade.

Of course you're smart enough.

Do you doubt it?

I don't know.
I never took a test before.

Listen to your grandmamma.

You are going to pass
magna cum laude.

Give her knowledge Oh ye muses.

All the knowledge
That she chooses.

Aristotle, Shakespeare, Plato
All the languages in NATO.

Science back to Galileo.

Medicine From the brothers Mayo.

You'll know it all From A to Z.

Awake now My little chickadee.

SAMANTHA: It's time for
school, sweetheart.

Coming, Mother.

You coming, Grandmamma?

No, I think I'd better be going.

[GIGGLES]

[♪]

[MAN READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Now, Tabitha, this is
a very important examination.

So you don't want to rush it.

There are 30 questions.
Answer them the best you can.

Yes, ma'am.

All right.

Begin.

[♪]

Mrs. Stephens.

The examination should take
about 20 minutes to complete.

We have our coffee set up here.

I hate to leave her alone.
It's her first test.

Sorry. It must be taken
in private.

Would you care for
cream and sugar?

No. No coffee, thank you.
I'm nervous enough.

Mrs. Stephens, there's
no reason to be nervous.

I'm sure Tabitha
will do very well.

I'm finished.

Oh, that's fine, Tabitha.
Now go on to the second one.

I've finished it all,
Mrs. Peabody.

See, I filled in all the spaces.

Sweetheart, the idea of the test

isn't just to fill
in the blanks willy-nilly.

First you must study
the problem, then answer.

But I did.

You did?

[♪]

She did.

Why, this is impossible.

She's answered every question
correctly.

Does that mean I can skip
to the second grade?

Every one right
in less than 30 seconds.

This must be some kind
of a world record.

Mrs. Stephens,
Tabitha is a gifted child.

Oh, please don't say that,
Mrs. Peabody.

She's a perfectly normal child.

I suspect she's had some
tutoring from her grandmamma.

No, there is no way to prepare
for this kind of an examination.

She seems to be particularly
adept in mathematics.

It's a snap.

Can you do long division?

I can try.

[♪]

267.583 ad infinitum.

Incredible.

And she did it all in her head.

Mrs. Stephens, do you have
any mathematical prodigies

in your family?

Well, her grandmother's
pretty good at it.

Maybe she passed it on
to Tabitha.

Why didn't you tell us
when you registered her

that she had this
special talent?

Well, we didn't want her
to get any special attention.

Does that mean she's
going to be able to move up

to the second grade?

Second grade?

Mrs. Stephens,
Tabitha is a genius.

I want her to meet our
principal, Mr. Roland.

This is my pupil, Tabitha,
and her mother, Mrs. Stephens.

How do you do?
How do you do?

This child has just completed
this test in 30 seconds

with a score of 100 percent.

I don't believe it.
Who cribbed her?

Her grandmother. Can we go now?

Oh, no, Mr. Roland.
My tests are all top-secret.

There's no way anyone
can prepare for them.

Now, watch this.

Tabitha, I want you
to add up 49,

75,

103,

92,

694.

A thousand thirteen.

One thousand thirteen.

What is this?
Some kind of a trick?

That's right. It's a trick.

It has nothing to do
with her intelligence.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

she has an appointment
with her grandmother.

I did not give you permission
to leave the room.

So...

you're some kind of little
Albert Einstein, are you?

Believe me, she is no Einstein.

Oh, you're right,
Mrs. Stephens.

Einstein's genius didn't appear
until he was much older.

But you do know who Albert
Einstein was, don't you?

Oh, yes.
The theory of relativity.

Tabitha, it's impolite
to show off.

What do you know
about the theory of relativity?

Nothing.
Everything.

It discards the concept
of time and space

as absolute entities

and views them as relative
to moving frames of reference.

That's incredible.

Incredible, Mr. Roland,
but true.

Oh, what a pretty picture.

MRS. PEABODY: That's Leonardo
da Vinci's Mona Lisa.

It's Salaino's Mona Lisa,
painted in the 16th century.

No, Tabitha, Leonardo da...

Mrs. Peabody,
Salaino. This is scary.

Even the head of my
art department didn't know that.

Well, uh, we take her
to art galleries a lot.

As a matter of fact, we're late
for a gallery right now.

You know something?
That child frightens me.

True nobility
is exempt from fear.

That's Shakespeare.
Do you know Shakespeare?

Of course
she doesn't read Shakespeare.

No, I don't read Shakespeare.

Then how did you know
that quotation?

I don't know, but I know it.
I know everything.

Except how to be modest.

Tabitha, will you wait out in
the outer office for a moment?

I want to talk to your mother
privately.

Yes, Mr. Roland.

Well, Mrs. Stephens,
I don't have to tell you,

your child's
an intellectual prodigy.

Well, I know
what you're thinking,

Mr. Roland, and I wish
you'd forget it.

Tabitha is going
into the second grade,

and that's as far
as she is going.

But she's a mental giant.

Well, maybe
she'll grow out of it.

I repeat. The second grade.
Now, do I have your promise?

As you wish,
Mrs. Stephens.

If you'll excuse me,
I think I'll take Tabitha home.

This excitement's been
a little bit too much for me.

Uh, her. Uh, us.

[MUTTERS]

[♪]

Eye of eagle Spleen of lizard...

You don't need a spell
to get me here, darling.

A mother's heart knows
when her child needs her.

Mother, to say that
you are impossible,

willful and exasperating

does not begin
to express how mad I am.

Thank you.

Did Tabitha make
the second grade?

She's more apt to make
the cover of Time

if you don't take
that spell off.

You want me to turn her
into a dumb-dumb?

Tabitha
is not a dumb-dumb.

She's a normal
7-year-old child.

Who was worried about
getting into the second grade.

Oh, the thought of it
sickens me.

Mother, I know that deep down,
beneath all that mischief,

you mean well.

But the mortal world
just isn't ready for our kind,

and until it is, we want Tabitha
to lead a normal life.

So, please, take that spell off.

Very well.

Tabitha, forgive her.

She knows not
what she makes me do.

Everything you know From A to Z.

I hereby take Away from thee.

You'll know the things
A child should know.

But to your grandmamma
It's quite a blow.

Well, I'll be going.

Good.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[♪]

Mrs. Peabody.

Oh, I'm so glad to find you
home, Mrs. Stephens.

I want to talk to you
about your daughter.

I'm sorry,
I'm a little busy, so...

I'm busy too, Mrs. Stephens.

Busy writing an article
about your daughter.

Article?

For the Scholastic Monthly.

One day, Mrs. Stephens,
this could be a shrine.

Interesting.

Mrs. Peabody, when you
barge in here uninvited,

you do a thing more courageous
than you think.

Forgive me, Mrs. Stephens.

This is a
once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I certainly hope so.

Where is the little genius?

She's out on the patio
playing with her little brother,

and that is
where she is going to stay.

Mrs. Peabody, I thought
I made it perfectly clear

that I did not want
any publicity

on Tabitha's so-called talent.

The Scholastic Monthly is hardly
LIFE magazine, Mrs. Stephens.

The answer is still no,
Mrs. Peabody.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I happen to be busy.

Well, I guess I'll just have to
wait until class tomorrow.

Tabitha is under strict orders
to answer no questions

except those out of
the second grade reader.

Good day.

Good day.

[♪]

Okay, Adam, now catch the ball.

Now throw it to me.

I don't want to play anymore.

Come on, Adam, throw it to me.

No.

Tabitha, help me finish
my castle.

[♪]

That's
a dumb-looking castle.

Now that's a castle.

That's impossible.

[♪]

Hello, Tabitha, is this
your little brother?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Peabody.
Yes, this is Adam.

How do you do, Adam?

What a beautiful castle.
Where did it come from?

Oh, it's just something
I made up.

How did you make it up?

Please don't ask me,
Mrs. Peabody.

I'm not allowed to tell.

Tell what?

That she's a witch.

There's no such thing
as witches.

Okay.

Mrs. Peabody.

Tabitha, why don't you
take Adam upstairs and play?

Yes, Mommy.
Come on, Adam.

[♪]

Mrs. Peabody,

as a teacher, you should
certainly know the meaning

of the word "trespassing."

It's a little late
for formalities, Mrs. Stephens.

Can you explain
where that castle came from?

Yes, I suppose I could
if I wanted to,

but I don't.

Who are you people?
What are you people?

I don't know what you're
talking about.

We're just law-abiding
citizens,

which, at the moment,
is more than I can say for you.

From what planet?

I beg your pardon?

Mrs. Stephens,
I've seen your children at play.

Balls floating in the air,
blocks turning into castles.

I've stumbled onto something
much bigger than a child's IQ.

I'm going straight
to the authorities.

If you people
are visitors from outer space,

I think perhaps the FBI
should know about it.

Very well, Mrs. Peabody.

You force me
to tell you the truth.

Because if you are going
to blab to the authorities,

you might as well
have your facts straight.

We are not from outer space.

I am a witch.

That's what the little boy said,

but you don't expect me
to believe that, do you?

Well, it might be a whole lot
easier on you if you did.

But I don't.
I know you're from outer space.

Let me put it another way.

You are barking up
the wrong tree.

As I said, I am a witch.

You are a witch.

And I am not going
to repeat myself,

so please take notes.

Oh, yes.

Do you happen to have a pencil?

One pencil, coming up.

How did you do that?

We're not allowed to tell.

I'm not sure I want to know.

You're looking a little pale,
Mrs. Peabody.

Would you like some water?

Desperately.

Oh!

I think I've had just about
all I can digest for one day.

Mrs. Peabody,
I only told you these things

because you came
snooping around.

And I think it's only fair
to warn you

that if you tell anyone,

well, they'll just think
you're...

You underestimate me,
Mrs. Stephens.

I have a reputation for being
not only a fine teacher,

but a person with sound
emotional balance.

Good day.

[♪]

Good luck.

Well, what do you think?

I'll tell you
what I think, Mrs. Peabody.

I think you're ready
for a year's sabbatical,

maybe a permanent one.

Everything that I've told you
is the truth.

She wiggled her nose
and put you up in a tree, hm?

Like this:

Charming.

You know, you're wasting
your talents as a teacher,

Mrs. Peabody.

With your imagination,
you should be a writer.

You don't believe me, do you?

Mrs. Peabody, may I suggest
you take your year's sabbatical

at your friendly
neighborhood sanitarium?

Mr. Roland, you've always been
a fair man.

Do you have the courage

to come with me
to the Stephens home

so that I can prove to you

that everything I've told you
is fact?

Have you got the number or shall
I look it up in the yellow pages

under "witches"?

In this situation,
a phone call is unwise.

A surprise att*ck is in order.

Hm.

[♪]

Sam, I'm home.

Hi. How'd it go
today?

Tabitha make it
into the second grade?

Easy.

That's good.

Uh, no, that's bad.

What do you mean?

How would you like a drink?

Eh, Sam.

Just give me the news
without the anesthetic.

Well, the good news is that

she made it
into the second grade.

You told me that.
What about the bad news?

She did especially well in math.

What's so bad about that?

The reason
she did well in math is, uh,

Mother put a spell on her.

I'll take that drink now.

The spell also included algebra,

advanced trigonometry, physics,

the complete works
of Shakespeare...

Oh, boy.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll... I'll get it.

[♪]

Oh, uh, Mrs. Peabody,
Mr. Roland.

How do you do?

I certainly didn't expect
to see you two.

Good evening.

As long as you're here,
please come in.

Thank you.

Sweetheart, this is Mr. Roland,
the principal of the school,

and this is Mrs. Peabody,
Tabitha's teacher.

I hope one day to be known
as Tabitha's biographer.

Uh, how do you do?

Uh, please, sit down.
Thank you.

And, uh, how is Tabitha?

Oh, the little witch
is just fine.

Uh, Sam, may I speak to you
privately?

Of course.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you.
No, thank you.

Excuse us.

[♪]

Sam, have you lost your mind?

Shh. I have an idea.
Just go along with it.

What's that?

That's our bag of tricks.

[♪]

Mr. Roland, Mrs. Peabody,
excuse us,

but I just had
to explain to Darrin

that I told Mrs. Peabody
the truth about us

this afternoon.

Would you like a drink,
sweetheart?

Uh, yes, thank you.

Coming right up.

See what I mean?

That little number
comes in handy

if you happen to be passing
through a dry state.

[♪]

May I see that glass, please?

Oh, it's just an ordinary glass.

Well, that one's a little rusty.

She didn't do
with rubber bands earlier.

Well, that's correct,
Mrs. Peabody.

This afternoon
I did it with magic.

Would you mind telling me
what this is all about?

Well, I've already told
Mrs. Peabody.

I'm a witch, and this is
my mortal husband.

Oh, come on,
Mrs. Stephens.

All right, I'll prove it to you.
Excuse me.

I have to get something
out of this trunk.

[♪]

Mrs. Peabody, would you
come here a moment?

MRS. PEABODY:

I don't believe it.

What sort of a game
are you playing?

Well, it's no game.

We need the practice in case
vaudeville ever comes back.

Well, why the elaborate hoax
on this poor, unfortunate woman?

Just teaching
the teacher a lesson.

Mrs. Peabody invaded
our privacy.

She just got what people get
when they snoop.

Would you like
her apology in writing?

Maybe 500 times
would be in order.

No, a simple
"I'm sorry" will do.

Say you're sorry,
Mrs. Peabody.

First, there's something
that happened this afternoon

that I just don't understand.

One minute we were
standing out there talking,

and the next minute
I was sitting up in that tree.

Well, that seems
a little incredible.

Yeah, say you're sorry,
Mrs. Peabody.

Sam, how many times
have I warned you

about doing that tree bit?

Oh, I... I know.
I just blew my cool.

Say you're sorry,
Mrs. Peabody.

How on earth do you
ever do that trick?

If you think that's something,

I once saw a magician
saw a woman in half.

Now, say you're sorry,
Mrs. Peabody.

And how do you explain
Tabitha's genius?

Well, explain Einstein's or
Beethoven's or Thomas Edison's.

Say you're sorry,
Mrs. Peabody.

I'm sorry.

But she's still a witch.

Have a good day,
Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.

Come along,
Mrs. Peabody.

Good night.

You really are a witch,
you know.

You gonna spread the word?

What?

And wind up in a padded cell?

Well, if it's a padded cell
for two, who cares?

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[DOOR OPENS]

SAMANTHA:
Hi, sweetheart.

Hi.

Everything go all right
at school today?

Oh, just fine.

Except Mrs. Peabody
is taking a little vacation.

Uh-oh.

Well, she was due a sabbatical.

They just advanced
the date a little.

I could use a little
sabbatical myself

from your mother and her
constant interference.

Sweetheart, I have
a terrific surprise for you.

I had a long talk with Mother,

and she agreed she shouldn't
have interfered.

You mean, Hard-hearted Hannah
actually admitted she was wrong?

I told her
you wouldn't believe it.

So she agreed
to write it 500 times.

You're kidding.

[♪]

How about that?

DARRIN:
Incredible.

Are you sure that's 500 times?

Terrific.

Well, the first 250 promises
are always the toughest.

[♪]

[♪]