(music) heard of a van that is
loaded with weapons (music)
(music) packed up and ready to go (music)
(music) heard of some gravesites
out by the highway (music)
(music) a place where nobody knows (music)
(music) the sound of g*nf*re
off in the distance (music)
(music) I'm getting used to it now (music)
(music) lived in a brownstone
I've lived in the ghetto (music)
(music) I've lived
all over this town (music)
(music) this ain't no party
this ain't no disco (music)
(music) this ain't no foolin' around (music)
(music) no time for dancin'
or lovey-dovey (music)
(music) I ain't got time
for that now (music)
(music) transmit the message
to the receiver (music)
(music) Hope for an answer someday (music)
(music) I got three passports (music)
(music) a couple of visas (music)
(music) Don't even know my real name (music)
(music) high on the hillside
trucks are loading (music)
(music) everything's ready to roll (music)
(music) I-I-I sleep in the daytime
I work in the nighttime (music)
(music) I might not ever get home (music)
(music) this ain't no party
this ain't no disco (music)
(music) this ain't no
foolin' around (music)
[ groans ]
[ woman ]
dirt-box.
You should've washed once
in the last ten years.
Washing's overrated.
I'm trusting you, Colm.
It's me getting you in.
Just 'cause
you can't hold a job.
Hurts. Hurtin'.
It was strings
I was pullin'.
They've already
a barber.
But I'm Mr. Skills.
You've to make me look good.
It's both of us
work there now.
Need a hand holdin'
him down, Bronagh ?
I can handle him.
Thanks for the sandwiches,
Mrs. O’Neill.
You're always
welcome here, Bronagh.
It's disgusting
in there.
Squeezing blackheads ?
It's just so erotic.
[ Bronagh ]
there's only five
of us now, including you.
Only five what ?
Only five catholics.
In the whole nuthouse ?
Aye. Working.
All the patients
are almost all catholic.
Right. He's in there.
You're on your
best behavior, you hear ?
Meep-meep !
Sadistic.
Masochistic.
Oh !
The new catholic.
- The new barber.
- I'm only slaggin'.
I'll do the honors.
You'll have
no problem remembering.
We're all billys.
- Billy Jewel.
- How are ya ?
Billy Weatherly.
- How are ya ?
- Billy Evans.
Nice to meet ya.
- Bill Wilson.
- Bill.
- Billy William.
- Billy.
I'm Billy King.
They call me King Billy.
No offense.
- None taken.
You're the boss man ?
- That's debatable.
All right, Colm.
The other fella's,
uh, a good fella.
Protestant fella.
Do you like poetry ?
Not really.
Whatever you do,
don't mention poetry.
He's into poetry.
He's the pain
in the rectum.
So, you're
into poetry ?
Do you like poetry ?
Sure, I guess.
My granny wrote a bit.
Your granny ?
Was she ever published ?
She had a poem
in the telegraph
when she d*ed.
What was the subject ?
It was weird. It was
something to do with your
woman from the Wizard of Oz.
Judy Garland.
I love her.
Aye, her.
Well, she's all right.
Like, yeah.
Oh, was it an ode ?
Or was she into
Judy Garland ?
She liked her like,
yeah.
That's fantastic.
His name was Colm,
the hairdressing man.
His granny had a poem
in the telly.
Felly-welly...
Had a jelly
old belly...
For the mother
of Liza Minnelli.
That's very good there.
Bit of a talent.
Come in handy
with the ladies ?
From the mountain
of mourne to hades.
You should be drivin'
a Mercedes.
I'd like to borrow
Warren Beatty’s.
s--
Euphrates.
Right. Where do you
want him, boys ?
Why don't you
take him, Colm ?
[ speaking, indistinct ]
Up you go.
Get you all cleaned up.
I'll just be sitting
over here waiting
for ya, all right ?
Hello there, sir.
You know,
I've been meaning
to ask somebody.
Do you know where they're
holding the Eurovision
song contest this year ?
'cause I've been
hearing Helsinki--
[ yelling ]
Derrick.
Derrick !
Put the man down,
Derrick !
Right. Right.
So-- clear !
[ electrical static ]
[ groans ]
It's just a bit off
the back and sides.
[ George ] so we're chasing
this wee bastard up the road.
[ Colm ] the joyrider ?
Right.
He's doing about
up the Shan k*ll Road.
In your cousin's car ?
Aye,
the thievin' git.
Were you driving ?
My cousin was driving,
but it was my car, like.
Your cousin's
drivin' your escort and
the skinhead's drivin' his car.
My cousin's car.
Right. Next !
So, he whips it up
this street.
Me and my cousin
in hot pursuit.
And I'm telling my cousin
to give it up and
he's not listening.
He's like a demon.
So the kid's making
a beeline up the mountain.
Up to the racetrack.
Have you ever driven
on that road ?
Aye, sort of it.
It's a racetrack.
The road's so smooth.
It's a f*ckin' racetrack.
It's a road and a f*ckin'
racetrack.
You can drive on it,
even if you're not
in a race.
Precisely.
So we're still right up
his arse, right ?
In my car.
And we go faster and faster...
Till we're f*ckin' flyin'.
And the car starts
to shake and shudder.
It was not meant
for high-speed pursuit,
the ford escort.
And I feel
the f*ckin' g-forces
stretchin' me cheeks...
Like a f*ckin' astronaut.
Jesus.
Like I'm frozen
to the seat in terror.
Jesus.
And I look over
at the speedometer,
and it says...
A hundred and ninety.
A hundred and ninety ?
A hundred and ninety.
- Would you f*ck off.
A hundred and ninety ?
- I swear to God. .
In an escort ?
In an escort.
All right.
It's : in the morning,
it's Christmas Eve,
And I'm chasing some kid
around a f*ckin' racetrack
at a hundred and ninety.
In an escort ?
In an escort.
Did you catch him ?
The engine blew up.
He d*ed ?
No, our engine blew up.
You're kidding.
I hadn't put oil in it.
And it blew up ?
I'm not a handyman.
The joyrider got away ?
The engine exploded.
The lesson was taught.
It hadn't seen oil
since the day it was bought.
- Seven years.
- You didn't put oil
in it for seven years.
I forgot.
I'm not a handyman.
Your cousin
pissed off ?
Second degree burns.
He was burnt ?
Face, neck and hands.
Were you burnt ?
Not a scratch.
Jesus.
He hasn't spoken
to me since.
Jesus.
We were very close,
him and I.
Was he scarred ?
Holy f*ck.
A bit, aye.
Did they find his car ?
Aye, the next day.
Was nothing wrong
with the car ?
There was one thing.
Stolen.
His radio ?
No. All his
Elton John tapes
were missing.
Quite a collection.
The bastard stole all
of his Elton John tapes.
He's fantastic.
Elton John ?
Aye.
f*ckin' genius.
[ man ]
(music) oh, Ruby (music)
(music) oh, Ruby (music)
(music) Don't take your love
to time (music)
The scalper.
What are you
going on about ?
Your man ?
The fresh nutter.
The scalper.
What, like getting
tickets to a concert ?
No, like a real scalper.
He flipped.
He literally scalped
four people.
- Jesus Christ.
- Some hairpiece fella.
Had enough.
Started scalping
some of his customers.
Did you ever scalp
a man, George ?
[ George ] hairpieces ?
[ orderly ]
he had the only company.
- What, like a monopoly ?
- No. Just him.
He had the only
hairpiece company
in all of Northern Ireland.
- In all of Northern Ireland ?
- In all of northern Ireland.
- Who has it now ?
- Nobody.
Well, how would somebody
go about contacting...
All those, you know,
unserviced baldies ?
- He has a list.
- A list ?
- He keeps it in his bible.
I'm after having an idea.
An epiphany.
[ Colm ]
some Scottish fella.
He was into the hairpieces.
He threw a wobbler, started
scalping his customers.
[ Bronagh ] Jesus.
He was the only
hairpiece fella
in all of northern Ireland.
He was loaded.
Fucker had two jacuzzis.
Two ?
Aye. The wee ones.
One for each foot.
And you wanna go in
on it with George ?
Aye.
You butter the catholics,
George the protestants.
Sounds good.
Nonsectarian-like.
Pacifists.
Pacifists make good money.
You ever heard
of a broke pacifist ?
Exactly.
And what about
the nuthouse ?
I've had it up to here
with that place.
Oh, Colm.
What ?
You've only been
working there
for two days.
On to bigger
and better things, baby.
There's only one thing
I'm not looking forward to.
What's that ?
We're gonna have
to talk to the scalper.
Dim the light.
You not frightened ?
Are you not in it
above your heads ?
You think
I was predisposed.
[ grunts ]
A genetic inevitable.
What ?
A nutter...
Waiting for the one word
that'll set him off.
What ?
Ah, you've balls.
You pity me.
You greedy little children...
Want to survive.
You greedy,
sad little children,
You want to triumph.
[ coughing ]
I swallowed a fly.
Done it before.
Full of protein.
Six legs, four wings
and eighteen eyes.
But I b*at the fucker.
Did you ever read
saint Paul's letter
to the hermaphrodites ?
It says,
"dear hermaphrodites,
"go f*ck yourselves.
"yours sincerely,
Saint Paul."
You dare...
Strut through
the valley of death ?
Where's your fear
of the venal ?
Where's your sense
of Christianity,
You greedy,
sad little children ?
You want the list ?
The names ?
The cash ?
The triumph ? Answer !
- Yes.
- Yes ?
Y-yes.
One reason why.
One reason why.
It's yours if...
Your answer pleases me.
Must be very clever.
What ?
Why you ?
Why ?
We're bored ?
What ?
What the f*ck's
a hermaphrodite ?
I think
I'm after soiling myself.
[ Colm ] the scalper
gave us his franchise
for wigs of Wimbledon.
We're the only
hairpiece company
in all of Northern Ireland.
[ George ]
we've a monopoly on hairpieces.
[ woman ] that's dead on.
Was your man an Indian ?
He's doing
very well.
Sit still,
kemosabe.
What page are we on ?
One.
He had a Volvo
and a house on
the Malone road.
We've
his client list.
A Volvo ?
I love Volvos.
Are those good ?
Aye.
Did youse get
to see the scalps ?
It says you have to twist.
You have to twist this around.
- What do you mean, twist ?
- Twist.
- Cut off his circulation.
That's too tight.
Slobber up.
- Did you hear the name ?
- The what ?
- [ Colm ] name of the company.
Is it good ?
Bronagh came up
with it.
- He's a prod.
- Who's "he" ?
[ Colm ]
George is a protestant.
[ George ] it's good.
- [ Colm ]
and I'm a catholic.
- I know that, son.
The Piece People.
P-I-e-c-e.
Do you get it ?
Hairpieces.
Do you not get it ?
It's very good.
[ Colm ]
The Piece People.
You were always
the clever one, Bronagh.
It's for the nicotine,
George.
[ Colm ]
it stains her hair.
The knickers act
like a buffer.
From the nicotine.
It's just knickers,
George.
Aye.
There's no highfalutin
here, George.
Was this
on somebody's head ?
[ George ]
it's just a sample.
[ Colm ] it's just for show.
Does it fit anybody, like ?
It fits nobody here.
Come here. Give me that.
Jesus. f*ck me.
Oh, sorry, Mrs. O’Neill.
George, this
is in the back.
"our all-natural toupees
contain real, organic hair,
"collected across
the European continent...
"from such reputable sources
as the Lithuanian hair
collective in vilinius...
"and the sisters de medici
convent in Rome...
- Ah, Jesus.
- Catholic nuns.
Where all the profits
go to the church."
Ah, Jesus.
- The Roman catholic church.
- Nun hair. That's a gas.
Jesus.
- You still in it, George ?
- I'm not so sure about it now.
You're gonna be
spending eternity in hell
with us catholics now, George.
What are we forgetting ?
Cellophane ?
Check.
Sticky tape ?
Double-sided.
Marker ?
What else ?
Marker.
I think that's it.
Are we forgetting something ?
It feels like
we're forgetting something.
Will I do the taping
and the writing ?
Aye, and I'll do the twisting.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Act like you know
what you're doing.
Yes ?
From ballymuck to ards,
From chapel to steeple,
Be sure to bet your cards
on the oul piece people.
Okay.
Hello.
We're The Piece People.
Look, I'm proud of youse.
But what are you
bothering me for ?
We're here for
the hairpiece demonstration.
Is this some sort
of government thing ?
No, sir.
'cause I don't know
who you've been talking to,
but she's a f*ckin' liar.
- Who's a liar ?
- I'm a good Christian man.
A man who's avoided
the sins of the flesh.
That's great.
- My body is a temple.
- Could we come inside, sir ?
I don't know
who you've been talking to,
but she's a f*ckin' liar.
- You'll find
no herpes here.
- Herpes ?
Isn't that
what you said ?
No, sir. Hairpieces.
Oh.
Thought you said herpes.
No, sir.
No.
So, what do you want ?
We're with
the hairpieces.
Okay.
You had an appointment
for a hairpiece.
You've
the wrong house.
I don't think so.
- I think so.
- It says Dunmurry Lane.
But I've no appointment.
I think I don't.
I think you do.
- Are you Mr. Black ?
- Who wants to know ?
We have an appointment
with a Mr. Black.
Is that you ?
- Maybe, but I've
no f*cking appointment.
- You f*cking do.
- I f*cking don't !
- Have you ever considered
getting one ?
- What ? A hairpiece ?
- Yes.
- Like this one.
- Would you come in with that ?
As a matter of fact,
I have considered it, actually.
Sheds years
off your appearance.
Here.
Give us a go, Will ya ?
Yeah.
That's dead on.
Ah, sh*t.
You know what ?
What ?
I can't take this.
It needs why not ?
The sticky tape.
No, it's nice and all,
but, uh, see, my part's
on the right.
Pardon ?
My natural part.
I always parted
my hair on the right.
Aye ?
Well, this here wig
parts on the left.
Right.
I'd feel weird.
It looks great.
No, it looks nice and all,
but the part's on the left.
You see ?
- How's that ?
- [ laughing ]
That's f*ckin' brilliant.
[ laughing ]
What's you want for it ?
Fifty.
Fifty quid ?
Are you sick ?
No, thanks, boys.
Forty.
Thirty.
Thirty-five.
Twenty-five.
We're supposed
to haggle with him.
Twenty-five's our final offer.
And we're throw in
the sticky tape.
- I don't have that sort
of cash just laying about.
- We'll take a check.
- You will ?
- With five pound
up front, cash.
Gentlemen,
you got yourself a deal.
[ Colm ]
he said he didn't
have an appointment.
Was he on
the scalper's list ?
You saw his picture
in the paper ?
Why was his picture
in the paper ?
What did he do ?
- He sh*t a catholic.
- What ?
You sent me out
to see someone
who sh*t a catholic ?
[ Bronagh laughing ]
Don't laugh.
You're fired.
Well, alleged or not,
you're a psycho.
What's she saying ?
She saw your man's
picture in the paper.
He sh*t a catholic.
Alleged or what ? She says
we should've got more for
the wig. Can you believe that ?
For your information,
psycho, we sold him
the sample wig.
I thought you'd like that.
Right. It cost us nothing.
Well, we know
you're helping us.
What time's
our next lead ?
It better be legit.
Listen, stick
to the list, would ye ?
The list. The scalper's list.
The list is the bible.
Right. Okay ? Bye.
See ye.
(music) fightin' fire
with fire (music)
(music) burnin' down the house (music)
(music) [ continues ]
Mrs. McGivern.
I thought you might
like to know,
What with the rain
and everything.
Come in, Eileen.
You know how they talk.
Who talks ?
What are you saying ?
The neighbors.
How the rumors spread.
Mrs. McGivern,
what's up ?
Spit it out.
About your Mickey.
Is he all right ?
He's sleeping in the rain
down there against the wall.
Jesus !
[ Rose ]
right.
He won't wake up.
Thank you very much,
Mrs. McGivern.
The coats, Gerty.
They'd say he had trouble
with the drink.
And him not .
Thank you very much,
Mrs. McGivern.
And, please,
Don't let us keep you.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
It was no problem.
(music) [ "God save the queen" ]
- Excuse me.
- [ Bronagh ]
it's all right, Colm.
Excuse me.
Colm, it's all right.
Come on.
Face the music, Paddy.
What ?
Face the music.
- Colm, it's all right.
- You're a f*ckin' hard bum
with your mates ?
Face the music, Paddy.
Colm.
He'll ruin the upholstery.
We'll have to get
these clothes off.
Give me a hand, Gerty.
I'll help
with the shoes, like.
Now the sweatshirt.
The pants.
I'll have to draw
the line there.
Help me
with the pants.
I'll be in the kitchen.
He has
underpants on, sure.
Maybe.
It's Mickey, Gerty.
- He's always ridin' bareback.
- You used to wash his arse.
He was only
a wee boy then.
Are you feckin' weird ?
Oh, all right.
- [ screams ]
Jesus and Mary !
- The dirty bugger.
I told you. Jesus !
Oh, relax.
I'll be
in the skullery.
It's only his wee man, Gerty.
Or should I say his big man ?
He didn't get that
from his daddy.
We'll let him sleep.
Then I'll k*ll him.
Who's that
on the settee ?
- What ?
- Who's that on the settee?
What ?
It's your
brother, Mickey.
No, it's not.
Of course it is,
you wee messer.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph !
Did youse take
his clothes off of him ?
- Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph !
- [ Colm ] hey, is that
some stranger ?
Jesus !
We saw his thing.
[ Colm ] you saw his thing ?
- What, his d*ck ?
- Bronagh !
I told you.
I'm gonna boke.
Put his clothes
back on.
[ Colm ] what ?
- Quick.
Put his clothes back on.
- I'm not touching him.
Colm !
Jesus,
Mary and Joseph !
- [ Colm ] some stranger ?
- We thought it was Mickey.
- This fella here ?
- Yes, Colm.
- So, you stripped him ?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph !
That's Smok Mullen.
We saw his d*ck.
Would you shut up ?
You ought to be at the nuthouse
where I could be cutting
your hair.
Put his clothes
back on him.
I am going straight
to confession.
The dirty bugger.
Who's that ?
- [ all ]
Don't ask !
- Smok Mullen.
Put him outside.
- It's raining, sure.
- He'll never know.
Quick. Put him outside.
Jesus Christ !
Was he robbing us
or something ?
Don't ask.
This is all your fault.
How is it my fault ?
Hiya, Milker.
Ach, Colim.
How ya doing ?
How's the milk business ?
Utter chaos.
How's your mummy ?
Utter lunatic.
Tell her
I was asking about her.
I will indeed, Milker.
Hey, how's
the McGee family ?
[ Bronagh ]
hello. Uh, Mr. Black ?
Yes, hello, Mr. Black.
Good afternoon.
I'm calling on behalf...
Of The Piece People
incorporated.
Yes, you had
procured your product
on the th of October.
Sorry. I can't make out
what you're saying.
What ? My what ?
- Did you get your wig ?
- Oh. The rug ?
Yes, quite.
Were you satisfied
with the product ?
Oh, aye. I love it.
It has changed my life.
Yes, quite.
And, uh, what seems
to be the problem ?
We seem
to have had some trouble
with the check you wrote us.
Really ?
What sort of trouble ?
I'm afraid to say
it bounced.
Jesus !
That's terrible, so it is.
Ah, listen, um,
I'm at work here
at the moment.
Um, write down this number.
Have you a pen handy ?
Yes. And it's
at your home number
shall I call you later ?
No. That's
my lawyer's number.
Your lawyer's number ?
Affirmative.
And why are you giving me
your lawyer's number ?
'cause I'm not paying for it.
Oh, you're not ?
No, I'm not.
You'll pay for that wig.
Or what ?
Or I'll personally knock
your f*ckin' balls in.
- Will ye ?
Tell it to the judge.
- Aye, I will.
I'll knock his balls in too,
ya baldy, fat, bald bastard.
Oh, I'm fat now, am I ?
You're dead is what you are.
Was that a thr*at ?
It's a thr*at
you'll pay for that wig.
Or what ?
Or I'll rip your head off and
smack you up the face with it,
Ya baldy
feck bastard !
You have a way
with words, miss.
Good-bye.
- Anyone for a cup of tea ?
- Yes, please.
Yes.
Two, sure.
Ah, for f*ckin' sakes.
I thought
we have a monopoly.
We do.
Well, we've to get
on the horn to wigs
of Wimbledon but pronto.
What do you mean ?
Is the ad all right ?
Have you seen this ?
Oh, aye, the ad looks great.
And so does this one
right next to it.
- [ George ]
"toupee or not toupee."
- what is that about ?
Let's make
a phone call.
Right.
What did he say ?
He's coming to Belfast.
He wants to see us
Monday morning.
But what did he say ?
That's it.
He'll tell us Monday, : .
[ horn honking ]
How long does it
take you to get ready ?
Drive on there.
You're all right.
What time is it ?
What time is it ?
Quarter to nine.
We're late.
We're dead.
It's the head honcho
from Wimbledon.
Relax. We're close.
Will them'ns be there ?
Toupee or not toupee ?
You know as much as me.
I Hope they are.
I Hope they are.
We're gonna get the boot.
This is cat.
Hey, hold on one second.
Pull over. Pull over !
Pull over !
What ?
In there. In there.
Right here. Right here.
Right here. Right here.
Look. Look.
Stop.
What's wrong ?
That's your man.
Stop your messin'.
Your man, Mr. Black.
We're gonna be late.
Aye, it's late. Let's go.
Is it him ?
- Hold on a minute.
- I'll leave you,
you bastard.
- I'm getting our money back.
- We're gonna be late.
The money or the wig.
Nobody fucks an O’Neill.
Two minutes. Wait.
Colm.
Colm !
Ah, Colm !
Here. Hang on.
Do you do this often,
Mr. Black ?
Do your friends
know you're a crook ?
Talk to my lawyer.
Give us it back.
The wig.
Give you what back ?
If you can't pay for it,
give us it back.
You're not getting it.
I like it.
It makes me look younger.
Pay for it then.
Possession is nine-tengths
of the law, Mr. Wig-man.
Tell it to the judge.
Come on, Colm.
You ! The list !
What ?
Your feet shall be smooth...
As you move through
the valley of death !
The scrotum is
the devil's tobacco pipe !
You bastard !
Stop that man !
Stop, thief !
Ya bastard !
George !
George !
Daddy loves baby.
Does baby love
his daddy ?
[ shouting, indistinct ]
[ indistinct ]
I'll f*cking k*ll ya !
I'll get ye !
I'll get ye !
Go in after him,
Will ya ?
Here. Here.
I've still got
your sticky tape.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Still got your f*ckin'
sticky tape, ya bastard !
Ya yellow-belly
bugger !
Repossession !
Here. Do me
a f*cking favor,
ya bugger !
Do me a f*cking favor,
ya bugger !
[ continues,
indistinct ]
[ man ] let's see.
Our sales projection
of next year being very good.
Wigs of Wimbledon are faced
with a difficult decision.
Who should be given the monopoly
of handling our products
in northern Ireland ?
Piece people or
toupee or not toupee ?
Having given this
considerable thought--
[ dogs barking ]
Just what I need now.
No. No barking here.
No. Go away.
Get away from me !
No. Nothing's here.
Go away !
Okay. Nice to meet ye.
Good-bye.
[ barking, snarling ]
Hey, would ye
get away, would ye ?
It's my wig. My wig.
Away from me.
Come here.
Come here ! Give us that.
Come here, ye !
Hey, come here, ye.
Come here.
Oh, come here.
It's mine.
Screw it.
George's there ? He's having
himself a wee cup of tea ?
Put him on the phone.
Put him on the phone.
Let me talk to him.
He's scared.
He should be scared.
He won't come on the phone.
He won't come on the phone ?
He will not come on the phone.
Put him on the--
did he get the wig back ?
Did you get the wig back ?
No, I didn't get
the wig back.
Would you tell him I'll be
in to see him shortly ?
He'll be in to see you shortly.
Bronagh, can you come get me ?
I'm freezing. Will they let you
off work to come get me ?
I don't know. I'll try.
Well, figure it out,
would ya ?
Okay ? Right.
I'll be there shortly.
Bye.
[ dog whining ]
[ growling ]
What ?
How's it going ?
Look what I got here.
Are you a protestant doggie ?
[ barking ]
[ laughing ]
La la la la la la !
Get lost.
You're not getting it.
Possession
is nine-tengths of the law.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh, look what I have.
[ laughing ]
Coward !
[ Bronagh ]
come here.
You must be freezing.
George was afraid
to talk to you.
[ Colm ] was he ?
Hold that for a second.
It's chewed to f*ck.
A dog ate it.
No problem.
I'm gonna send it
back to the factory.
It's the sample.
Tell them it was faulty.
Pretty slick
businessman, huh ?
No cobwebs on you, J.R.
Hey, come here.
We've got to call the cops.
Why ?
- I'm just after
seeing the scalper.
- They let him out.
What you mean
they let him out ?
Did I not tell you ?
- No. How could
they let him out ?
- They say he's harmless.
- Harmless ?
He scalped four people.
- They say he's rehabilitated.
I thought I told ya.
Rehabilitated ?
Come on.
I'll drive you home.
Take me to work.
You're covered in muck.
I'll wash at work.
You don't want
to take a bath ?
I'll wash at work.
Okay. Here.
Smelly horse.
Now, take it easy.
He's bigger than ye !
Morning, Colm.
Oh, f*ck off.
- How's it going, George ?
- It was the scalper.
I'm sorry.
Was it ?
The scalper.
We were late.
Remember the scalper ?
- Aye.
- He was there.
- He was, yes, George.
Did he see ya ?
Yes, George !
Don't get aggressive.
We were late.
He had a go at me.
He was homeless
and he come at me.
Did he ?
So you left me ?
I'm sorry.
With a fella
who sh*t a catholic.
I'm sorry.
And the scalper.
In a protestant area.
I couldn't think.
I could've got
f*ckin' done.
Don't get aggressive.
- I'll knock your sh*t in !
- I was scared, all right ?
I'm sorry,
But I was scared.
Punch me if you want.
I'm a coward.
f*ck it. You're all right.
I'm a d*ck.
Are you okay ?
Aye. I'm just--
Just dirty.
What happened ?
I got a bit
of exercise today, George.
Sorry about that.
I'm sorry, Colm.
I went to the meeting.
What did they say ?
They said we have
to duke it out...
With the other company.
What happened
to the monopoly ?
If we win,
we get the monopoly.
He said whoever sells
the most wigs, wins.
Very straightforward.
- Fine. Cash or sales ?
- Sales.
- By when ?
- Christmas.
- All right. f*ck 'em.
Twelve midnight,
Christmas Eve.
Whoever sells
the most wigs, wins.
Very straightforward.
Bit dramatic,
midnight.
But f*ck them.
- f*ck 'em.
- No surrender.
Right.
- I wasn't gonna hit you.
- Okay.
You'd k*ll me anyway.
Want a shampoo ?
Aye.
[ chuckling ]
(music) pressure (music)
(music) pressin' down on me (music)
(music) pressin' down on you (music)
(music) under pressure (music)
(music) that burns
a building down (music)
(music) splits a family in two (music)
(music) puts people on streets (music)
(music) bah bah bah bah (music)
(music) bah bah bah bah (music)
(music) dah dah dah (music)
(music) dah dah dah (music)
(music) that's okay
it's the terror of knowing (music)
(music) what this world is about (music)
(music) watching some good friends
screaming, "let me out" (music)
(music) pray tomorrow
takes me higher (music)
(music) pressure on people (music)
(music) people on streets (music)
Good dose of hot water
Will have that off, Colm.
Sure. I was raised
on a farm.
You were ?
[ Colm ]
cr*ck of dawn every morning,
milking the old cows.
Love the bastards.
[ clears throat ]
Mr. Duggan. Can we not
do this in your house, sir ?
[ loudly ]
could we not...
[ lowing stops ]
Do this inside ?
That's the surprise.
Want to see if they'll notice.
Who'll notice ?
[ cow lows ]
I've had this wig
a long time, boys.
They should know by now.
Right.
Most of them
Haven't a clue.
The cows ?
The what ?
Are you talking
about the cows ?
The cows ?
Noticing
your wig ?
Is he flippin' stupid ?
No.
Oh. Well, I thought
you were talking
about the cows.
He thought you were
talking about the cows.
You think
I'm getting a wig
for the flippin' cows ?
No.
My family.
Right.
You're no f*ckin'
rocket scientist, you, son.
Right.
Right, Mr. Duggan.
We've brought along
some pictures.
Wig for the cows.
Jesus.
Look, lads,
I'm just having
a butcher's hook.
Them other lads
were here already.
What other lads ?
Toupee
or not toupee ?
Aye. Them'ns.
You see, I'm
a comparative shopper.
Aye, you see, sir,
the benefits of
our product...
[ cows lowing loudly ]
greatly outweigh
the competition's...
In sheer--
sheer quality.
Sheer quality.
Ours is...
What's he saying ?
He says ours are better.
Mr. Duggan,
cumulatively speaking,
We have over years
of experience
in these four hands.
- How much for
the Tony Curtis deluxe ?
- Negotiable.
The others quoted .
Aye.
Twenty pounds ?
- Bollocks.
- There must be a mistake.
That's our best one.
Twenty pounds.
The Tony Curtis deluxe.
Aye, the Jamie Lee Curtis
deluxe.
- Mr. Duggan,
there's no way.
- No way.
We offer
superior craftsmanship
at a competitive price.
[ cows lowing ]
we're simply the best
in our field.
And if that's not true,
then I'm not the proud son
of a dairy milk farmer !
And you're
not gonna tell them
to shut the f*ck up ?
Guess what's for dinner.
[ Colm ] what's
the map say ?
It says you're
a buck eejit.
You're the navigator.
I Haven't me glasses.
We're lost.
This is not too good,
thank you.
This does not look
like a motorway to me.
Where are we ?
I think we're here.
I think we're here.
Drive on there.
I think we should've
gone left back there.
I don't like
being out here.
You're all right.
The I.R.A.
Wouldn't be out here
in the middle of... Nowhere.
Wonderful.
Let me do the talking.
[ hammer clicks ]
How's it going ?
Turn your engine off.
Who are you ?
I'm Colm.
He's Mickey.
Colm and Mickey who ?
I'm an O’Neill.
He's a protestant.
I mean,
he's an O’Neill too.
- He's a protestant ?
- No, sure. He's my cousin.
How can he be a protestant ?
You're after saying
he was a protestant ?
Well, he's not.
I f*ckin'
hate protestants !
What are youse doing
on the side of the road ?
Oh, we pulled over.
We were looking
at that map.
- Were youse kissing ?
- No.
- No.
Looked to me
like youse were kissing.
Well, we weren't.
We were driving.
Where were youse going ?
We're looking
for the motorway.
What,
on this road here ?
We had an appointment
back up there
with a Mr. Duggan.
- We're hairpiece salesmen.
- Traveling.
- That back road there ?
I think.
We're lost.
I would say so, aye.
What business had you
with Duggan ?
He had
an appointment.
What for ?
For a hairpiece.
A hairpiece ?
Aye.
What, like for your head ?
Aye.
Phillip Duggan
with the cows ?
Aye, him.
Why ?
Why ?
Aye. Why ?
'cause he's bald.
- Get out of the car.
- What ?
- Get out of the f*ckin' car !
[ all shouting,
indistinct ]
Pip Duggan
doesn't wear a hairpiece.
He does.
- He had a head on him
like a Forest.
- He doesn't.
- sh**t him first.
- Please. Look, he's bald.
I've heard some freakin' scams
in my day. He does not.
He has a wig.
Are you blind ?
It looks like shite.
It's his f*cking hair.
- It's hanging off his head.
- He wants
the Tony Curtis deluxe.
- He's a comparative shopper.
- Look in the back of the car.
It's full of hairpieces.
We're not spies.
We're only hairpiece salesmen.
Give me the keys.
If you're f*cking lying--
- Where did you get these ?
- Wimbledon.
- Venice.
Venice or Wimbledon ?
Wimbledon.
Some of them
are to the nuns.
What ?
What's he saying ?
Some of the wigs
are grown by nuns.
They grow their hair and
sell them for the church.
You got to love the nuns.
You know,
The old wife's
been hounding me.
Do you mind ?
No. Go ahead.
Hold that.
What's this ?
Box "x."
Yeah.
Well, that feels
pretty good.
Looks good too.
Yeah ?
Aye. You comb that,
that's-- that's
a good-looking wig.
- Aye.
- What do you think ?
- I like it, yeah.
- Go on. Have a look
in that mirror there.
The wife'll shite.
[ Colm ]
yeah, that's pretty good.
That's a corker.
Corker.
What you want for it ?
I'll give it to ye--
I'll give it to ye
for .
Thirty.
- Forty-five. Forty.
- Thirty.
- Take the f*ckin' thirty.
Forty. It's
a lovely-looking wig.
Loan me a pound.
Will you
pay it back ?
Of course I'll pay it back.
I've a pound,
but I need it.
Give us
the f*cking pound.
I need it.
What you need it for ?
I like a wee Mars bar
on the way home.
f*cking give us it.
Starvo.
I want it back.
You'll f*cking get it back.
He'll give it back.
don't worry.
Here you go, chief.
You know, lads,
they were definitely
f*cking kissing.
We forgot to give them
the sticky tape.
Drive on.
Okay, big boy.
Holes ?
There's friggin' holes in it.
I'll k*ll that bastard.
Oh, f*ck, look at this.
Ah, Jesus.
It's a different
friggin' color.
I'll friggin'
cut his balls off.
Let us see it.
It's not ready yet, luv.
Where's that hair dye ?
- Are you ready ?
- No, not... Yet.
Go in the bedroom.
Blue black.
[ woman ] how long does it take
to put on an effin' wig ?
It's a complicated procedure,
darling. You just go on
and get into bed.
Get it all
nice and warmed up,
And I'll be right with you in--
in minutes.
Hello.
Hello.
From pollymuck to arts--
Toupee or not toupee.
No. No.
[ chattering ]
[ man ]
what did you
say his name was ?
Colm.
Looks like one of them.
Oh, no, vicar.
He's as orange as that chair.
This hair may have grown
from a bad person.
Oh, Jesus, no, vicar.
This is percent
genuine, guaranteed
protestant hair.
Grown, no less,
by percent
protestant Dutch people.
Are you sure ?
Sure.
Look at it yourself.
Does that look like
dirty, mangy, smelly
catholic monkey hair to you ?
That is a fine head
of protestant hair.
- It looks good.
- None but the best.
- Top of the line ?
- None finer.
And the synthetic hair
is cheaper ?
It is, yes.
But you get
what you pay for.
I really would recommend
the natural hair myself.
Top of the line.
[ indistinct chattering ]
[ train whistle blowing ]
[ man ] this just in.
Another bombing attempt
has been made tonight...
On a stretch of railway track
two Miles east of kurgan.
Trains were delayed for an hour
while the army b*mb squad
diffused the expl*sives.
There were no injuries.
The provisional I.R.A.
Are suspected,
Though no one
has claimed responsibility
at this stage.
Trains have resumed
a regular schedule.
The I.U.C. Have found
evidence on the scene...
Which they Hope
Will lead to the capture
of those involved.
And finally,
passing Christmas shoppers
got a treat today...
When Santa chose
an unusual mode of transport
to arrive in time.
Oh, Jesus !
You're all right.
Oh, Jesus !
You're all right.
Get them next time.
Was I bald
when I came in here ?
What ?
Was I bald
when I came in here ?
Was I wearing my--
Was I wearing my wig ?
Um... No.
Oh, Jesus !
What's wrong ?
I wore it on the job.
It must have came off
on the job.
The wig ?
Aye.
Will we go back and get it ?
We can't go back and get it.
The brats are already there,
ya d*ck.
Why didn't you
say something ?
Say what ?
You know
I wear the wig every day.
You know I never
leave the house without it.
Why didn't you--
Why didn't you
f*cking tell me ?
I figured it was...
Laundry night or something.
Good morning.
Toupee or not toupee.
What is your question ?
They're sold
all over the world, sir.
All over the world.
[ man ]
my word of honor.
Why are they
selling more wigs ?
I don't know.
What is it about
toupee or not toupee ?
I don't know.
They're just selling
more wigs than us.
Do you want to win
this competition ?
Yes.
How do the sell them ?
What do you mean ?
What's their angle ?
Do they dress up
in chicken suits ?
You're making me nervous.
They talk a good sell,
I suppose.
Smooth-talking
bastards.
And you's are hopeless ?
We've done very well.
Yes, I know you have, dear.
It's all been
an enlightening experience.
But you'll get b*at
in this competition thing...
If we don't start
selling more wigs pronto.
I know that.
Right. You've
ten days to the cutoff.
It's time to knuckle down.
I have an idea.
God help us.
An angle.
A scheme.
Go ahead.
What sort of scheme ?
A sure-fine scheme.
Now go in there,
stop your blathering,
sit down and shut up.
[ Bronagh ]
you're making the pitch,
the two of you's.
And you're close.
You can taste it.
I know that feeling.
Right.
And you've
said all the crap.
All the crap you say.
But he still won't bite.
He won't commit.
I know what you're saying.
You're losing him.
He wants it.
But his wife
Will blow a curler.
- The henpecked fucker.
- This is where we blow it.
The moment of truth.
You're standing there.
It's time for something drastic.
It's time for the big g*ns.
You's pull out the big g*ns.
You's are bald.
- We're what ?
- You's are bald.
[ Bronagh ]
you's both wearing wigs.
You tip your wigs.
Mine's itching.
Are they supposed to itch ?
[ Bronagh ]
we'll shave the top
of your heads like a monk,
And then
we'll fit two cr*cker,
top-of-the-line wigs.
- [ Bronagh ] how do you
like them apples ?
- What are you looking at ?
- There's nothing
wrong with it.
- You're the sample.
You are
the satisfied customer.
He won't have an idea.
Wig... No wig.
Wig... No wig.
If you can con him
and he doesn't realize
you're wearing a wig,
He'll have to buy one.
[ man on radio ]
have located hairpiece salesmen
pulling up to...
Paddy Reilly butcher shop
on beach mount crescent.
[ man # on radio ]
affirmative. Ground units
will handle it and arrest.
[ Bronagh ]
you say to the customer,
"I bid you a fond adieu."
And you reach up
and you tip your hats.
But they're not hats.
They're wigs.
You's both wearing wigs.
You tip your wigs.
I guarantee the fucker
Will be putty in your hands.
[ both ]
we bid you a fond adieu.
[ laughing ]
[ laughing continues ]
Let's go ! Come on !
Freeze !
[ yelling ]
[ chanting ]
[ chanting continues ]
[ man ]
last night,
we found this hairpiece...
In the vicinity
of the failed b*mb attempt.
Have you seen it before ?
What can you tell me
about this wig ?
[ Colm ]
it's your basic Irish jig.
Your basic wig.
Did you fit it ?
Maybe.
But it's a stock model.
But you would recognize ?
Ah, it's your job.
You have an eye
for these things.
It would have to be
a perfect match.
Not necessarily.
- Do I know you ?
- No.
Color of the hair,
the dimension of the baldness,
whether it was curly or not.
Sometimes
it don't match.
What's that ?
- Sometimes we're in a rush.
- You won't put a curly-haired
wig on a straight-haired man.
We might.
If we could
get away with it.
If he's a cheapo--
then he gets
a cheapo deal.
- The cheapo wig.
- But he'd look the right heel.
That rhymed.
So it did.
This wig
has been chewed up by dogs.
Do you have a dog ?
No.
What about you ?
- I hate dogs.
- This wig
could have been changed.
Could have been dyed a different
color. Did you sell a similar
model of a different color ?
I don't think so.
Look, we're businessmen.
He's a protestant.
I'm a catholic. We're
not supplying sample wigs--
What ?
- Well, that's it.
- This is a sample wig ?
Uh, maybe.
You've never sold
a sample wig.
The sample wig
is not supposed to be sold.
- How many sample wigs
were you given ?
- [ both ] one.
Where is it now ?
Do you have it with you ?
Uh... I don't know
where it is right now.
We'd have to look for it.
Yes.
Well, that would be nice.
Now, what day is this ?
Christmas
just around the corner.
Father Christmas.
Presents.
And what
comes after Christmas ?
What ?
Taxes.
I'm going to give you
two weeks, jog the memory.
Dig up the old sample wig.
And if, at that point,
you still can't recall,
I'm going to insist
you give me every receipt,
every order form,
Every bank statement
and every phone Bill
since you two--
You two freaks
started your little business.
In the meantime,
I'm going to round up
every bald provie...
From Bangor
to San Francisco.
See if
I can't make a match.
Match it to his head.
Match it to the color of dye
in this wig.
See if I can't find
my little Cinderella.
I'm good at what I do,
gentlemen.
Operation glass slipper
will be a success.
[ sets briefcase down ]
I thought you told Bronagh
you didn't get the sample.
That a dog ate it.
I got it back
and threw it in the car.
It's a long story.
You're a bollocks, Colm.
How am I a bollocks ?
You shouldn't
have sold it to him.
I heard no complaints
at the time.
Why didn't you say something ?
Look,
there's no Trace of it.
It's a sample.
There's no order form
or anything.
They can't Trace it
back to us.
You should
have said something.
To who ?
You made me
sit in there like a d*ck.
Where ?
In there, with your man.
Why didn't you tell him ?
It's only a wig, George.
A crime was committed.
What, selling a wig ?
After we sold it.
It's nothing
to do with us.
We lied.
We didn't lie.
You're after making me
an accomplice.
It's only
a f*cking wig !
You don't think
I've got nothing better to do
than protect f*cking--
[ vehicle approaching ]
- On or off, son ?
- Go on.
I'll get the next one.
[ man ]
operation glass slipper
will be a success.
- We will hunt them
where they live.
- Get out of the car, sir.
- We will hunt them
where they play.
- Okay, let's go.
[ man ]
we will sweep this province
with an iron fist.
We'll round up
every bald head,
every semi-bald head,
Every thinning head,
like when you're
racking pool balls.
We will unleash...
A wrath on the bald
of this troubled land...
The likes of which
has not been seen...
Since that Guy
did them things
to the babies in the bible.
You know the guy...
With the beard.
[ scalper ]
Don't go by Calvary,
driver !
It's a one-way street.
Where are we ?
God's into you
for Sodom and Gomorrah.
Blessed
are the bewildered !
For they won't notice
the difference.
Even though
I walk in chains...
[ voice fading ]
- Where's my share of that
trucking money you owe me ?
- Uh, I gave it to Bo.
Did you see this ?
What's this ?
It's a flier
for George's poetry reading.
What poetry reading ?
His poetry reading
tomorrow at the university.
It's a big deal.
I'd rather
have my nipples fried.
I love the blondie.
Love him.
- Yee-haw !
- [ knock on door ]
Ya-hoo ! Whoo-hoo !
[ knocking continues ]
I'll get it.
- What street ? What street ?
- It's all right.
I know where I'm going.
The I.R.A.'s at the door,
and they want Colm.
- What have you done, son ?
- I've done nothing.
- It's Milker McHugh.
- Is he collecting
for the milk ?
- It's only Monday.
- No. He's in his I.R.A.
Mode tonight. He wants Colm.
And there's
some other fellas.
- Hey, Milker.
- I'm not f*cking Milker.
- You're wearing his jacket.
- I'm not f*cking Milker.
You're not the man
that brings the milk
and leaves it at this house ?
- Must be
somebody f*cking else.
- Okay.
- Are you Colm O’Neill ?
- I am, yes.
- Do you sell hairpieces ?
- Sure. You know
I sell hairpieces.
- Do you sell hairpieces ?
- Aye.
There's a man here
who wants a word or two.
I ought
to kick you keek in.
Selling a man a faulty wig.
Kick your keek in.
Thing was
all f*cking holes.
Friggin' chancer.
Listen, lads,
there's--
Relax.
That's not why we're here.
We want to buy some wigs.
- What ?
- You deaf ?
- Friggin' glass slipper.
- We would like
to place an order.
We want to buy
hairpieces.
Those are the dimensions:
Width, length of baldness,
color of the hair,
Whether the hair's
curly or not.
[ general Lee horn
blowing "Dixie" ]
Three Hollywoods,
A Phoenix,
Three synthetic Casanovas,
Two European Casanovas,
a ladies man,
Sixteen Starks’s
and one hutch.
Your man will take a Phoenix
if you're out of hutch's.
Do ya's carry
the Kenny Roger gray ?
- Yes.
- We want a Kenny nylon
and a Kenny yak.
If you can't get the yak,
get us two Kenny nylons.
The man wants a Kenny.
Don't lose that.
Thirty hairpieces.
- Uh, I don't know.
- What don't you know ?
Well, I don't know
about an order this big.
- Why ?
- Well, it's a big order.
Well, when will you know ?
Tomorrow ?
Aye. Aye. Sure.
I'll-- aye, tomorrow.
You have till
tomorrow night then.
Is there
a Kentucky fried chicken
around here ?
No. There's, uh,
a Dixieland chicken.
Dixie--
where's that ?
Well, it's just
up on the road, um,
down from the cemetery.
Right.
Tomorrow night. : .
Dixieland chicken...
By the cemetery.
f*ck sake !
Wise up, Will ya ?
Ya-hoo !
[ laughing ]
Well, Colm,
what did they want ?
Are you in trouble, son ?
[ Gerty ] Colm,
what have you done now ?
Are they
going to kneecap you ?
They want to buy
some hairpieces.
[ camera shutter clicking ]
We sell wigs
to the I.R.A.,
we win this thing.
You know, hairpieces ?
There's no way
toupee or not toupee at
hairpieces in front of us.
[ Colm ] I.R.A., not I.R.A.
They're just bald people.
There's no difference.
[ Colm ]
we'll b*at
toupee or not toupee.
We'll win the franchise.
It's just
selling to people.
[ Colm ]
it's not like we're
selling them g*ns or something.
What's the difference.
(music) [ indistinct ]
[ man ] okay. Thank you.
You're good to go.
Carry on, then.
(music) we had g*ns and drums
and drums and g*ns
haroo haroo (music)
(music) we had g*ns and drums
and drums and g*ns
haroo haroo (music)
(music) we had g*ns and drums
and drums and g*ns (music)
(music) the enemy nearly slew ya (music)
(music) [ music fades ]
You're not going
to the poetry thing,
are you ?
I don't think so.
Are you
going to do it ?
- Do what ?
- Sell wigs to the I.R.A. ?
Why not ?
You're a d*ck, Colm.
How am I a d*ck ?
George is your mate.
So ?
So ? So that's
dirty-Joe'ing him.
Well, we'll
win the franchise.
Like he'd go along with it.
Well, you know,
we've sold wigs
to the I.R.A. Before.
Yes. Well,
that's not the same thing.
It was
the middle of the night,
it was a sample wig...
And George
didn't have a choice.
You're a hypocrite.
It's different,
and you know it. How am I ?
You're-- you're a hypocrite.
You buy your fags
from the wee shop.
That's different.
- They're I.R.A.
How's it different ?
- It's different.
- The milkman, he's I.R.A.
- That's when they're off,
off duty.
Off duty ?
They're never off duty.
Them wigs is I.R.A. Money.
The others
is out of their pockets.
Ah, come on.
That's the same thing.
That's a technicality.
George would not
go along with that.
Will he be able to cry better
in his swimming pool
if we win this thing ?
He backed you with the sample.
He didn't squeal on you.
He made a gesture.
- You're a hypocrite.
- You're a hypocrite
and a d*ck.
You know what.
There's two types of catholics:
The ones
that support the RA
and the ones that make excuses.
They've all got
a different excuse.
Fair f*ckin' play to you.
Support the I.R.A.,
give them your money,
Let them hide
in your f*cking roof space.
But George is your mate.
You don't sh*t
where you eat.
You can't have it
both ways.
You're a d*ck, Colm.
You're a hypocrite.
You're a Brit.
Get out !
Out of the car, Brit !
Well, you can't have it
both ways, Colm.
Get out !
Out of the car, Brit !
Brits out !
It's my car, Colm.
It's my car.
Okay.
[ Bronagh ]
you're a d*ck, Colm !
For f*ck's sake.
This place is as good
as Kentucky fried chicken,
is it ?
Aye.
Welcome to Dixieland chicken.
Would you like to order ?
So, when can we
get these wigs ?
Can I have more time ?
No.
I need more time.
What,
to order some wigs ?
My partner's protestant.
Did you tell him ?
Lucky you.
No.
But he wouldn't
be into it if I did.
There you go, mate.
Cheers. Thank you.
Grub's up.
Where's my change ?
It's not as good
as colonel sanders.
God bless the colonel.
It's not as good.
Nah.
Do you like breast, Colm ?
Why, sure.
f*ck, now that's
actually tasty.
Nowhere near as good
as the colonel's
secret recipe though.
With spices.
.
.
Do you know, in the--
in the Kentucky fried chicken
headquarters,
The Kentucky fried chicken
headquarters in Louisiana,
Or wherever
the f*ck Kentucky is,
They've got round-the-clock
security guarding that recipe
with their f*cking lives.
Like the coke recipe.
Top secret.
Anyone tries
to knock that recipe, bang !
Colm here
needs more time.
Why ?
He's not sure.
He's tentative ?
He is tentative.
He needs time
to arrange our capture
with the armed forces.
I wouldn't do that.
This protestant fella,
who is he ?
[ clears throat ]
he's my partner.
Is he your boss ?
No.
Is he the one
does all the thinking ?
Nope.
Are you
your own man or what ?
I am my own man.
I just need to think
things out a bit, you know ?
Are you
too good for us ?
Listen, uh...
I'll sell you
the wigs individually.
You know, one at a time.
He's a Brit.
I'm not a Brit.
- You're a Brit.
- I'm not a Brit.
Do you believe
in the united Ireland ?
I do believe.
I just don't want to be
the official wig supplier
for the Irish republican army.
Keep your f*cking voice down.
I'm sorry.
My partner's a protestant.
- I guess we know
what side you're on.
- You don't know.
I told you.
I'll sell you the wigs
individually, as just people.
That's it.
Not to an army.
Just as people.
Don't tell me
you know what side I'm on.
You know nothing about me.
I'm just trying
to f*cking survive here.
That's very good that.
Very, uh...
Very dramatic.
You should
get an Oscar for that.
You know what, son ?
What ?
Take down
that number there, you.
You're not the only
game in town, you know ?
We just want some wigs.
Not a political dissertation.
We'll go to them fellas.
See them fellas.
See if they
want to take our money.
Trying to survive.
You're a fruit.
Do you think
we're doing this for fun ?
For a bit
of a f*cking laugh ?
I want more than that.
More than what ?
I want more
than to just survive.
Come on.
We'll call that number.
[ man ]
take me back.
Take me
way, way, way back...
On Hanford street,
Where you could
feel the silence
at half past : ...
On long Summer nights...
As the wireless
played radio Luxembourg...
And the voices whispered
across beech River...
In the quietness as we sank
into restful slumber
in the silence...
And carried on
dreaming in God.
In walks up cherry valley
from Northroad Bridge,
View while lying
on sunny Summer afternoons.
Picking apples
from the side of the tracks...
That spilled over
from the gardens of the houses
on Cyprus Avenue.
Watching the moth catcher
worked the floodlights
in the evenings...
And meeting
down by the pylons.
Playing around
Mrs. Kelly's lamp.
Going out
to Hollywood on the bus...
And walking
from the end of the lines
to the seaside.
Stopping at Fuscos
for ice cream...
In the days
before rock 'n' roll.
Hanford street,
A bed of red,
orange food,
Saint donor’s church,
Sunday six bells.
[ George speaking
indistinctly ]
[ George ]
"...Through the ages.
"some say our right.
"some say ungrounded.
"what have we found ?
"or is it
what have we founded ?
The weakness to speak ?"
I'm not doing the deal.
I'm not wearing
any knickers.
[ George ]
"is something even there...
"to split or to share...
[ mumbles ]
"to shift the foundation...
"to stand me in good fare...
"or to shake
the sensation...
"of fear ?
"just of f-f-fear.
"or if friendship...
"that will
never be silenced...
"is a paramount peak
at good favor.
"here's my heart.
"here's my sleeve.
"here's my soul
to believe.
"it's enough
for us to speak...
Around the savior."
[ woman ]
thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'd just like to remind you
that we're going to--
[ voice trailing off ]
That was lovely.
[ laughs ]
- Anyone for a drink ?
- Have a drink ?
[ laughing ]
come on.
How many wigs
are we behind ?
I don't know,
but at least .
Thirty ?
Well, let's say
to be on the safe side.
You've got four days
until Christmas.
I guess that's the end
of The Piece People.
It ain't looking good.
[ Bronagh ] well, let's
get our thinking caps on
and start thinking then.
Think of a large
group of people
who are all bald.
I'm so stupid.
Listen, I got a mate
from school. He's a chemist.
We could get him
to make us up a batch
of some sh*t...
That, like,
makes your hair fall out.
We could dump it
in the drinking water.
- Two pints of lager
and a pint of Guinness.
- Dump it in the reservoir.
There must be
some large group of people
who are all bald.
There must be.
Cancer victims.
People with cancer.
You're
a sick f*ck, Colm.
They need the wigs
with the chemo.
Or how about people
that live near
nuclear power plants ?
You're a sick f*ck.
Something simple.
Chemo.
Frig sake.
Hey, George,
here's to you.
Cheers.
That's mine.
Oh, sorry.
Keep the change.
[ laughing ]
cheers, guys.
Well done.
Great poem.
Oh, thanks.
Mm. What's
that thing called ?
You know,
when people have stress
and all the hair falls out ?
It's, um--
it's apecia or something.
I heard of that.
It's apecia or deplecia.
But your hair falls out ?
Mm. 'cause of stress.
What, the people pull it out
because of the stress ?
It falls out.
No, they don't--
they don't pull it out.
It falls out. Exactly.
Let's take a seat.
It's either apecia
or deplecia.
I saw a show
on that once.
What, on apecia ?
Must be
a lot of it here.
Applepecia.
No. It's not applepecia.
That doesn't sound right.
But your hair
definitely falls out,
like in clumps.
Clumps. I'm liking
the sound of that. Clumps.
Do you know anybody
at the department of health ?
What,
like a government thing ?
Aye. Can you
get at any records ?
Talk your way in ?
Is the pope catholic ?
Help me, God.
Send me a sign.
Send me my Cinderella.
Give me a sign.
Oh, my God !
[ ticking ]
[ Colm ] so what's
going to happen at : ?
At : , the phone's
going to ring.
I Hope.
[ Colm ]
who's going to ring ?
Never you mind.
But if it comes through,
we're golden.
It's a sure-fine scheme.
[ sighs ]
[ clock cuckoos ]
[ rings ]
What the f*ck's this ?
Pay dirt.
Name ?
Bronagh McGee.
You, sir ?
George Enuk post.
Sir ?
O’Neill.
Christian name, sir ?
Colm.
Alopecia.
[ man ] okay, sergeant.
Open the gate.
Hair loss
caused by extreme stress.
[ man ] drive on.
[ chattering ]
[ Bronagh ]
it's been kept
on the hush-hush.
The brats are experiencing
a bit of hair loss.
Most of them are just kids.
They're shiteing themselves.
The pressures too much.
Their hair's
falling out in clumps.
Most of them
are just kids.
Those in the b*mb squad
seem to be losing
the most hair.
[ shouting commands ]
[ Bronagh ]
Colm.
We have to sign
a confidentiality clause.
They don't want this
getting leaked to the public.
It wouldn't look
very good, would it ?
Why isn't all our hair
falling out ?
Well, I suppose
we're used to it.
They've bussed them in
from all over northern Ireland.
Wait here a minute, okay ?
Colonel.
Nice to meet you.
Bronagh. Hello.
It's a very simple procedure.
It's basically myself
and George and Colm over here.
And, um,
I think it best if we--
Is this all right ?
What ?
You not got
a problem with this ?
With what ?
Selling wigs to the brats.
No.
It's a gesture.
What do you mean ?
If you sold wigs to them,
that would be wrong.
If I say okay,
it's a gesture.
I don't understand.
You see,
I can make a gesture...
Because the only way
to stop the cycle...
Is if I,
a catholic,
Can forgive...
That you're a protestant.
It's a gesture.
Why not me, a protestant ?
I'm having epiphany.
You can't make a gesture,
but I can make a gesture.
I can reciprocate.
No.
After, but not first.
Why can't I ?
At this point, you
can't make the gesture. Only
a catholic can make the gesture.
Why can only a catholic
make the gesture ?
Because we're in the right
and you're in the wrong.
What ?
And therefore,
I'm making the gesture.
You're right and we're wrong ?
Correct.
I think
it's a tad grayer than that.
It's black and white.
I'm making the gesture.
What if I said I was right
and you were wrong ?
You'd be f*cking wrong.
Six hundred years here,
and we're still wrong.
Give or take a century, aye.
I think I'm going to have
to disagree with you there,
Colm.
Don't ruin this, George.
Ruin what ?
Don't ruin the gesture.
Let me sell the wigs
to these lads.
That's okay with me.
Under one condition.
What ?
You let me
charge them double.
It's a government contract.
His name was Colm,
the hairdressing man.
His mind
was as closed as a door--
Don't ruin the gesture,
George.
Group, room-tion !
Fall in !
[ man ]
Simmons ! Mitchell !
Sir !
[ man ]
daly ! Jennings !
Sir !
He's /
from the, uh, ear to ear.
Your name ?
[ George ]
yee-ha-ha-ha !
We won ! We won !
[ chattering indistinct ]
[ laughing ]
yahoo !
[ Bronagh ]
we properly b*at those f*ckers.
We f*cking won !
Whoo-hoo ! Yahoo !
[ laughs ]
great volumes of glory,
do you know that ?
[ chattering ]
sh*ts.
Ready ? sh*ts.
Aye.
Right. Colm, here.
One, two, three !
To piece people !
Piece people !
Piece people ! Ahh !
Ohh !
Number one.
Number one in Ulster.
What ?
What ?
What ?
Yes ! Yes !
{{{the end}}}
An Everlasting Piece (2000)
Moderator: Maskath3