I mean that if
you made more effort,
you may get a man
to ask you out.
I don't want a man
to ask me out.
You know, 80% of women
who say they are too busy
to have a relationship,
are really lonely,
Audrey.
You know, I don't
feel the need to date
just to stay on the
right side of a survey.
And it's bad for your skin.
My skin is always better
when I'm dating.
You're
never not dating.
And just look
at my complexion.
- You, on the other hand...
- I, on the other hand,
have stopped having
this conversation.
Oh my god,
is this it?
It's an extraordinary
townhouse
with a total floor space
of 9,000 square feet,
not including
the garden.
May I ask what you do?
It depends
on the occasion.
And your friend?
I'm just along
for the ride.
This view
of the dining room
was recently featured in
Manhattan interiors magazine.
Oh. What was
hanging there?
Uh, John sargent.
Yeah, Mr. Harrison has
an amazing art collection.
Too bad none of it
comes with the townhouse.
Now if you'll
follow me this way.
Now this ceiling
was actually handcrafted
by the great-grandson
of Charles thorpe.
That wasn't cheap.
I guess it pays to be the
emperor of infomercials.
Mr. Harrison made $30 million
off 'the hair Houdini' alone.
That much?
Oh my god.
Now if you'll follow me
to the main bedroom.
Know what, Sara? I don't
think this is the place for you.
It's kind of...
Cramped.
Well, it was all
I could think of.
Besides, I had
everything I needed.
So, the sargents in the
dining room are gone,
the cassatt
in the living room
has been replaced
by a lithograph,
number 139
of 150 run.
Over the grand piano is a framed
poster of the east Hampton film festival.
Somewhat less valuable than
the sisley that was hanging there,
and whatever those
monstrosities are in the hallway...
If they're Francis bacon,
I'm a Jimmy Dean sausage.
Yes, sir...
Mr. Harrison's scam
is going to unravel
and I will get
millions off him.
But for someone else. See,
that's the part I don't get.
Winning.
- Thanks for today, mom.
- Shh... Audrey.
I've asked you not to use
that word in public!
That two-faced,
lying son-of-a-bastard!
Mary, you know
I don't like spouse bashing.
This happens all the time. He
may have hidden them, sold them...
We'll find out.
Luckily, I've dealt
with Tom Hoffman,
the opposing counsel,
in similar situations.
He's a good lawyer,
but I'm wise to his game.
- What does this mean?
- Is it bad?
No, it doesn't
mean anything.
It just means that your husband
has a hired a new attorney, that's all.
His name is
Daniel Rafferty.
- I've never heard of him.
- Me neither.
He's new in town.
- This makes me nervous.
- Oh, relax.
You have nothing
to worry about.
A new attorney who has
never practiced in New York
will never get up to speed
this late in the game, okay?
You have nothing
to worry about.
I have never
lost one of these.
It's fine, it's fine.
It's okay.
It's not a problem.
It's okay, everything's okay.
You're all right.
Okay.
Ready?
That's Gary's
new attorney?
Audrey woods. I'm
representing Mrs. Harrison.
- Audrey woods.
- Right, for Mrs. Harrison.
I've heard good things.
That felt nice,
by the way.
I realize you're just starting to
familiarize yourself with the case,
but I wanted to
make you aware that
er, you got a little...
Right here.
Uh, thank you.
Anyway, as I was saying,
um, it has come to our
attention that certain assets
accumulated, uh...
Accumulated during the marriage
have not been accounted for,
so I have come to what
I believe
- is an accurate estimate of the... of the missing...
- snoball.
I don't settle.
I didn't
mention settling.
Unless of course
you'd like to give me uh...
Let me see...
...this.
Which is what I'll earn for
this trial... plus expenses.
- Then we've got something to talk about.
- You must be joking.
Gave it a sh*t.
Good luck.
Ms. Woods, is it?
- Hey, Daniel.
- Good morning. Good morning.
Good news...
Opposing counsel's insane.
- All rise.
- 532 is now in session.
Please be seated
and come to order.
Judge abramovitz
divorced... horribly.
Very tough on men.
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Rafferty,
I see you're back
on the east coast.
I told you the California sun
is hard on the skin.
Yes, but, uh, I did moisturize as
per your instructions, your honor.
I'll hear
opening arguments.
Your honor, I would like
to move for a continuance.
It's come to our attention
that discrepancies exist
concerning the reporting of assets...
namely, several valuable works of art.
Uh, may I interject,
your honor?
Uh, you mean, um, paintings,
sculpture, that kind of stuff?
Exactly.
Paintings like this?
Actually, yes.
Like this, uh, sisley
or this morisot?
And what have we here?
Oh, John sargent.
Yes, not my
kind of thing.
If I was him, I would have
given them away too.
Which is exactly
what Mr. Harrison did.
All of these.
A while ago.
Anonymously, of course,
to a very prominent museum.
I'm surprised that Mrs. Harrison
didn't tell you about this, Ms. Woods.
See, her, uh, signature's
on the donation document.
Right there.
Oh, uh, that reminds me,
your honor,
um, I'd like to move
for a continuance.
I've just been retained
as Mr. Harrison's counsel,
and I haven't had time
to fully research
all aspects
of the case.
For instance,
I have a um...
A receipt here...
For six 28-day stays
at the piney woods rehab center
for Mrs. Harrison's
treatment of sexual addiction.
I'd like to get
to the bottom of that.
- I'll give you one week.
- Thank you, your honor.
Six months
for sexual addiction?
My therapist
was very good.
We have to talk.
It's not my fault
that Mary Harrison
has the IQ
of a dinner plate.
I'd have found out that
Harrison disposed of the art.
I mean, that's why
I asked for the continuance.
It's just that this
Rafferty guy b*at me to it.
You want him dead?
- Oh, mother.
- I meant socially.
I don't know, I've never been
up against anyone like him.
He's very UN...
Something.
I can't tell if he just
got lucky or he's...
Really, really good.
- Maybe he's both.
- Thank you, mother.
What are you eating?
Vegetables.
I didn't notice.
Besides, he's not your type.
He's old enough to drive.
Quick,
channel 6.
...in court today
were opening arguments
in the divorce
of Gary "gadget" Harrison.
- Channel 6, mom.
- Harrison is being sued...
...at stake...
A reported $97 million.
We caught up with Harrison's
attorney Daniel Rafferty
earlier today
outside the courthouse.
Well, we do feel that
that Mrs. Harrison's
monetary demands
are outrageous.
After all,
it's Mr. Harrison's products
that come with a money-back
guarantee, not Mr. Harrison.
That's incredible. He just got into
town and he's already working the press.
- And you didn't notice if he's cute?
- Shh, call me later.
- Quite frankly, after this morning's opening...
- She takes after her father.
The prenuptial
will stand as agreed.
Mrs. Harrison's case
has about as much chance as a...
Uh, snowball in hell.
Okay, Mr. Rafferty...
I accept.
Why am I not surprised?
Hello?
Mr. Rafferty?
Hello?
Thanks, Benny.
Anymore arrive, just put them
outside my door, okay?
Hey.
Oh, sorry.
Pardon me.
- Wait, wait, I'm walking here!
- Hey, you looking to die, lady?
And very kindly stepping in at
the last minute for Erin swedland,
one of New York's
most successful attorneys;
First in her class at Yale, and
partner at katz, Cohen & Phelps...
Audrey woods.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Small world, eh?
And another counselor kind
enough to step in at the last minute.
Some say there's
method in his madness.
Some say
madness is his method.
He's practiced in Chicago,
Boston, Los Angeles.
And I guess practice
makes perfect...
Because he's never
lost a case.
The "late"
Daniel Rafferty.
Do you always look
like an unmade bed?
You've either taken
an immediate dislike to me
for some inexplicable reason,
or you're flirting with me.
I'll give you hint.
- You're getting warm with the first one.
- Uh-huh.
What was
the second one again?
Well, at least you could be
a bit more grateful.
Well, my old friend lyman over
there needed a replacement.
He asked me if I knew
an interesting lawyer.
I happen to think
you're very interesting.
Now please welcome
our first panelist...
...Audrey woods.
You're up.
So my advice
to you is
divorce doesn't
have to be agony.
Look at it as a chance to examine
the complex emotional labyrinth
that is
the human relationship.
- Well done, well done.
- Thank you, Ms. Woods, very enlightening.
You raise some
interesting points.
And now, let's hear
from Daniel Rafferty.
Mmm, that's me.
Any sno
hi.
Thank you very much. Good
morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Ah, wonderful speech,
Ms. Woods.
But, uh, this is
the way I see it.
Lawyers are scum.
Divorce lawyers though...
Are the fungus
growing beneath the scum.
Divorce is the post mortem
of a dead marriage.
We represent people who have
suddenly discovered a passion
for a fight that they never
knew they had in them.
Where was that
passion and fight
when it was needed
to save the marriage?
Don't ask.
It's not our jobs.
Everyone loves gadgets.
And the way divorce is going these days,
you're going to get a chance to use them.
State-of-the-art stuff
for tracking the philandering
husband or the unfaithful wife.
For instance,
a camera this small
can take a picture...
This big.
Amazing, isn't it?
Don't you think
the clarity is wonderful?
I'm sure you people at the back can
see all the roses on our suspect's scarf.
No longer do we have to rely
on crude convenient store video.
With digital capability,
we can dispose
of 20 closed-circuit systems
and achieve optimum
picture quality.
Now I'm sure the person...
There didn't realize
that they were being
caught in the act.
Wouldn't you agree?
Remember, none of us
are in divorce law for love.
I think you like him.
Like him?
Are you crazy?
Sure, but I'm also
your mother...
When we're
not in public.
I know, it's
a little painful,
but I can see
results already.
I have the lower lids
of a teenager. Oh!
Okay, one that's been thrown through the
windshield, but a teenager nevertheless.
I didn't sleep a wink
because of that guy.
Don't worry, I'm going to
catch him with his guard down,
and then kick him in the
body part of my choosing.
Just be careful, you've
never lost a big case.
Well,
neither has he.
And that's just
irresistible.
- Mother!
- I'm sorry.
That's it.
I'll apologize.
To Rafferty you haven't
done anything wrong.
Exactly. So it'll be
the last thing he's expecting.
It's the perfect strategy.
A sincere apology
is just a manipulating tactic,
like... like forgiveness,
or generosity.
He'll fall for it.
He's not from New York.
You are so adorable when
you're going for the k*ll.
Hi.
I came to apologize.
Oh... you're
bothering to knock.
Don't you usually just
break and enter?
Hysterical. And I
didn't break and enter.
If you review
your surveillance tape...
You know, just how
paranoid are you by the way?
You'll notice
that your office was open
and my intention
was to have a meeting.
My apology
is for any confusion.
I don't know
what to say.
"Come in"
would be nice.
Come in.
Actually, you're lucky I don't
sue you for injuries sustained
when I picked up
those file boxes.
I cite "gibbon v. Masters...
treacherous conditions in the workplace."
You, uh, sustained an injury?
I broke a nail.
Open your present.
Oh, look at that.
Very nice.
I thought you'd enjoy
owning one without a stain.
Interesting presumption.
You gave a very good speech
yesterday, by the way.
Very provocative.
The, uh, "butter wouldn't melt"
guide to divorce.
I take the high road.
I use the law,
not cheap theatrics.
Okay.
Meeting's a good idea.
So let's get on with it.
Excuse me?
Let's meet over dinner.
And since you initiated it,
protocol dictates that you
should take me, don't you think?
Yes, of course.
Or... we could eat here.
I have snickers.
Hello, Leslie,
would you book my table
no, no, no, no, no.
My choice.
Bye, Leslie.
All right, as long as
it isn't outside.
There's a 65%
chance of rain tonight.
There's a low-pressure system
coming out of the northwest.
I watch
the weather channel.
Could you be
more fascinating?
Ah, dos huevos De chivo,
por favor.
¿Huevos De chivo?
With the huevo?
Oh, sí.
God, I love this place.
It's so romantic, no?
- No.
- Oh.
So what was
all this high-morality,
passion-within-a-marriage
crap you were spouting?
Well, don't you ever
just want to slap your clients,
tell them to go home
and sort it out?
Actually, no, I don't.
Each case I handle
convinces me further
that marriage
is dead in the water.
I see.
Yep.
- You see?
- Yes, I do.
I see a lot.
Are you dating anyone?
You see a lot...
Am I dating anyone?
- What kind of a segue is that?
- I don't think you are.
This is what you see.
You see that I couldn't
be dating anyone?
I could be dating, mister.
Trust me, okay?
I could be dating
a whole big deal.
I could be lobbying
for a 12-day week,
I'm dating so much, okay?
Oh, what is this?
What is this, "arms in the
air, I rest my case" thing?
- Okay, since you ask...
- You're beautiful...
Intelligent.
- It's trial marriage.
- I'm eating with the most beautiful...
What I thought you just said
marriage was dead in the water.
And that's
why I don't date.
Subject closed.
I thought you just
closed that subject.
- I just reopened it.
- I see.
You mean,
apart from tonight?
This isn't a date.
This is a meeting.
Yes, seriously. My first
response is always the truth.
It's a rule I live by,
personally and professionally.
A person's first response
is what they truly feel.
Oh, that's very good, very profound.
I mean, I couldn't agree more.
But can't we reach a compromise,
call it an intimate meeting?
Intimacy doesn't
change a thing.
Business is business.
Oh, come on,
you don't mean that.
Oh, boy.
Don't you try
to analyze me
with your disheveled, bohemian,
"my socks don't match,
therefore I have insight to
all things" whacko mindset.
There are no psychoanalytical
shortcuts into my pants, okay?
Dos huevos De chivos.
Gracias.
Oh, look, medical
waste in a glass.
Okay, you're gonna
have to drink this.
This is an old
Cuban tradition I learned.
Before the duel,
the two opponents drink
the huevo De chivo
together.
It means "just because
I'm trying to k*ll you,
doesn't mean I don't
love and respect you."
Huevo De chivo.
What the hell
was that?
Huevo De chivo.
Goat's nut.
Goat's nut?
I just had a goat's
nut in my mouth?
No, it's a cherry.
It's a cherry.
Look, it's
a maraschino cherry.
Mmm, there you go.
Too strong for you?
Not at all.
- Let's have another.
- No.
No, this is
lethal stuff.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
- Huevo De chivo.
- Huevo De chivo.
Did you bring an umbrella,
Mrs. Weather channel?
65%?
I mean, if you'd said
85 or 90...
yeah, and it's precisely
that 25% extra
that you need and I don't.
And there's a difference
between how you and I
need different
percentages.
Because if my style
is 6-5 and you're 8-5...
Whooo!
I'm a little drunk.
Well, at least
we'll be equally hung over
when we see judge
abramovitz in the morning.
Yeah, you and her,
what's up with that?
Oh, my mouth has gone numb.
I can't feel anything.
Can you?
I felt that okay.
Hey. Hey, you're
not supposed... yeah.
You?
Oh my god.
Cup of coffee?
Due in court, 45 minutes.
- Clothes are in the dryer.
- The dryer?
I wore panties.
That much I remember.
Did I do anything last night
I might regret?
I hope not.
Ohh.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
At least we'll both arrive
in court looking like hell.
Ready?
Oh, come on!
I mean, you always say
I look like crap.
Don't you like it?
Tie looks good.
$97 million, your honor.
And yet he is trying
to hold my client
to a penurious prenuptial which
we have shown is clearly suspect.
Mary Harrison is entitled
to at least half of his assets
and a continuing percentage
of profit in his corporation.
You don't really mean that.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
Ms. Woods,
but are you suggesting that
because the number is so large,
your client is entitled to more than
was agreed upon in the prenup?
Because that was not
your position last night,
assuming you remember
last night's...
Position.
I am speaking...
This morning
of two people who are
husband and wife...
Two people who shared
eight years together...
A wife who in their most
intimate moments
inspired her husband's
greatest creations.
Oh, what did you say?
It was brilliant.
I wrote it down somewhere.
Um... there you go.
Here.
Um... "Intimacy
doesn't change a thing.
Business is business."
- How dare you! Okay!
- Okay! This is how I see it.
According to
the state of New York,
Mrs. Harrison signed
a prenuptial agreement
that no one has proven
to me is flawed in any way.
So the court finds
the document holds
and assets shall be divided
according to its provisions.
Case dismissed.
And whatever the two of you
got going on, take it outside.
You know, I've come to think we have a
great success on our hands here and uh...
One moment, please.
Audrey! Audrey, wait!
Audrey. Audrey, wait!
Wait just one moment.
Come on. Come on,
let me explain.
Please, just let me
explain, all right?
Counselor, you are now
operating in a morality-free void
in which all bets are off.
I just paid you
the ultimate compliment.
You forced me to fight
dirtier in there
than I've ever had to do
before. That's how good you are.
Oh, please, save the L.A.
schmooze for judge Judy.
You owe me an apology.
Like the apology
you gave me last night?
Okay, I was trying
to soften you up.
And then I let you seduce me so
you'd think you had the upper hand.
You let me seduce you?
You let me?
Hey, hey, hey, last night
was very special.
There's no need to trash it
just because I b*at you.
Hey, you know, you need
to toughen up a little bit.
If I got bruised
by every lawyer I bagged
I'd living in a padded cell
in bellevue by now.
You finished with these?
Bagged? You actually
used the word "bagged"?
Right on the courthouse steps
in the 21st century.
Wow. And how many
have you bagged?
- None. That's not the point, mother.
- Shh-shh!
Audrey, look at me.
I don't know why you
have developed this inability
to admit when you're
attracted to someone.
It's not healthy
and you know it.
And one day, I promise
you you will wake up
with a wedding ring
on your finger
and you will be the happiest
person in the world to be married.
I am not
attracted to him.
I just hate that dealing with
him had to get so low down.
You decided
to practice divorce law.
At what point did you think it
was going to get really classy?
The new serenas.
Who?
Serena, the hottest
new designer out there.
- Never heard of her.
- Of course you have.
She's married
to Thorne Jamison.
He's the lead singer
of the needles.
Honey, he just signed
a huge recording contract...
80 zillion or something.
Oh, Serena.
She understands the last thing to
go on a woman are her shoulders.
She's bound to win
the nobel prize.
At least.
Focus, Audrey, focus!
Well, actually Mr. Harrison
said I inspired him
to come up with one of
his new inventions. Uh...
What's it called?
"The paperpusher."
Hu, did you get
a cut of that?
Uh, no.
No, not at all.
Uh, just winning
Gary's case was enough.
Yes, and your courtroom tussles
with counselor Audrey woods
are becoming, uh, quite the talk
of the town in legal circles.
Well, well, well,
what can I say?
I mean,
Audrey woods is uh...
- Well, she's the finest attorney I've ever met.
- Hmm.
- I can only aspire to be as clever as her.
- Right.
She's uh...
She's wonderful.
Really wonderful.
And you've just published
this book on divorce,
- "for better or worse: A guide to a happy divorce."
- Rafferty: That's right.
- Book!
- It's got excellent reviews.
When does
he write books?!
Outside of New York's
biggest divorce trial
since Gary Harrison's
last April,
the case
of basketball legend
adamo shandela
and his wife Irene...
The trial which has two of
the city's top divorce pit bulls
Audrey woods
and Daniel Rafferty
against each other
once again.
Now the verdict
has just been handed down.
Wait a minute, I'm told
he's on his way out.
Adamo, how does it feel
to have the verdict go your way?
Well, I just feel lucky
to have the best lawyer
in New York on my side,
you know what I'm saying?
Ms. Woods, in a case that's had to
reveal so much indelicate information
about the petitioner's
private life,
you've really been commended
on your aboveboard tactics.
It's all about
doing your homework,
researching
every aspect of the law,
burning the midnight oil... you
have to be prepared for anything.
You know, if it's one thing
that I've learned,
it's don't get caught in court
with your pants down.
Ah, that's good.
Objection, your honor. Counsel
is, as usual, making assumptions.
Overruled, Ms. Woods!
Opposing counsel is
clearly kidding herself
is she really...
Irrelevant, Mr. Rafferty.
Full documentation here,
your honor.
- Everything you need to know.
- Videotapes are irrelevant, Mr. Rafferty.
No room for argument. Objection,
your honor. Counsel is badgering.
Motion denied again,
Ms. Woods.
Get off the desk,
Mr. Rafferty.
Ms. Woods,
this court has absolutely
no interest in your opinion of
Mr. Rafferty's choice of socks.
Ms. Woods' capacity for alcohol
has no relevance to these proceedings.
- Bailiff!
- No, clearly you did not,
- counselors! Counselors!
- Because... no, no...
If I want to sit through personal
att*cks, yelling, screaming
foul language, bickering,
I'll spend the afternoon
- with my family in Scarsdale, understand?
- Yes, your honor.
It may be cool though,
especially from Boston
northward here,
across parts of Maine...
And throughout portions of new
england. Only 52 in burlington, 51 in...
It's Audrey. I'm not here
right now, so leave a message.
Even if I was here,
I wouldn't take calls from you.
We both know that's not true.
Listen,
I'm sorry to bother you,
but it's really overcast
downtown here
and I thought you just
might have an inside track
from the weather channel,
you know,
and what time it's gonna
start raining.
Okay.
Look, if you want me
to leave you alone, I will.
But for the record
I think it's a great shame.
So... take care.
Oh, you are there.
Yeah, I just picked up the phone
to tell you to leave me alone.
I just said I was going
to leave you alone.
I know, I'm just telling you
that I want you to.
You don't mean that.
- Trust me.
- On the first bit or the second bit?
- Both.
- I'm confused.
I'm not sure.
- Perhaps you could send me a tape of this.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Have dinner with me.
- I'm not hungry.
- I didn't mean right now.
- Well, neither did I.
Honey!
I have to go.
So this is how you're
spending Saturday night,
eating junk food and watching
the weather channel?
I have tickets to Thorne
Jamison and the needles.
Let's go.
Sex, dr*gs and rock and roll
is your thing, mom, not mine.
Oh my god, I think I'm deaf.
Hey, are you all right?
Do you want
to tell me about it?
He's an assh*le.
I hate him.
He's screws everything.
If I don't divorce him,
I'm gonna k*ll him!
Listen, can I give you
some advice?
You're very young.
Relationships take work,
and... and lots of couples
go through rough patches.
And there's always a way
to get through them.
You know, divorce
should be a last resort.
This is something
I know a little bit about.
You're wearing
my blouse wrong.
It should be worn
off the shoulder.
You have nice shoulders.
Are you Serena?
- So your husband is...
- Yeah.
Let me give you my card.
I just want you to know,
Mrs. Jamison,
that if you should choose
katz, Cohen & Phelps,
I take care of my clients.
We are considered the Tiffany's
of New York law firms.
Yeah, well, I wish
it was home depot
so you could rip his
heart out with a chainsaw.
Well, there's
that approach too.
Here's to Audrey
and her new client Serena,
and all the money she's going
to bring in to the company.
No, it's not definite
yet. It's not definite yet.
- The gentleman asked me to send you this.
- Thank you.
What in god's name
is that?
- You've never had a goat's nut?
- I can't say that I have.
Hey, man, what's going on?
Would you excuse me
for a moment?
Do you think that's really
a goat's nut in there?
Oh, Ms. Woods,
look at that.
Uh, I see you're
celebrating over there.
Ah, I just wanted to say
hello to Serena.
Well, you're a fan.
Well, who isn't?
Uh, Serena, Audrey woods.
Serena's my new client.
- Sadly, she's getting a divorce.
- Yes, I know.
Oh, you do?
Oh well, I guess
these things hit the papers.
No, I know, because
up until 30 seconds ago
I thought she was going
to hire me to represent her.
That's a good look, counselor.
Did you practice that
in the mirror?
Hey, I decided
to use someone else.
Thing is, in the meetin'
you were all up in that
"high road, let's keep it clean,
no need to get ugly" stuff.
Then I read his book.
Danny's what I want.
He'll cut Thorne's balls off
and give 'em back as earrings.
But in all fairness, uh,
Serena, it should be noted
that Ms. Woods is very capable
of cutting men's balls off.
All right.
Sorry, that came out
all wrong.
Um, just so you know,
the jacket wasn't designed
to be worn with a belt.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
You stole Serena
to spite me.
Come on in.
Cubicle 2 is free,
I believe.
I didn't steal anything.
She read my book
and came to me, I mean it.
I don't think
you mean anything you say.
Well, that, I'm afraid, is gonna
have to remain your problem.
But... I don't lie.
I don't approve of it.
When have I ever lied to you?
Well, let me tell you
something, buddy,
if you are taking
this case to mess with me,
things are gonna get
really ugly.
Uglier than this?
And let me tell you
something, if I may...
If you were able to turn down
your self-serving paranoia
to a gentle simmer for a brief
moment, you might just discover
that you and I could actually
co-exist quite successfully.
And I don't mean
only professionally.
Don't forget
to wash your hands.
What, are you...
Going for a world record?
Hello, girls.
- All right, form in a queue.
- Take this, take this.
I'm sure I can
fit you all in.
What's your name,
my little girl?
Cindy. Hey, sign it. I
had a dog called that one.
- And how long have you been a "thornehead"?
- Forever.
- I love you, Thorne!
- Yeah, I love you too, babe.
See this, Barry.
I've got classy fans too.
And uh...
What might you want?
I want you.
Ooh, chihuahua!
Nice opening line.
I like it.
Direct, no b.S...
Just how I like it.
Okay, tell me what we're
working with, doll face.
Okay, this is what we're
working with, doll face.
You've got a devoted,
hardworking wife at home,
and yet you cheat, lie, and blow all
your money on strippers and whores.
You finally abandoned her, leaving
her no option but to file for divorce.
That's the opposing counsel's
opening line.
Direct, no b.S...
Just the way you like it.
And your wife has just hired the second best
divorce attorney in New York City to deliver it.
Now you need someone to tell your
side of the story, no matter how sordid,
and make you seem like
strawberry shortcake.
I like
strawberry shortcake,
and I like your style.
Do you know
what I think?
I think we should continue
this conversation...
Back at my place.
I think you should leave
the thinking to me.
Right.
Pain? I'll cause her so much
pain she'll wish she never...
Before I came along, the only
business decision he ever made
was whether to pay a hooker
with cash or credit.
...the purpose of a
settlement hearing is to avoid...
You should advise your client that
documentable threats of v*olence...
- Makes my job so much easier.
- Threats, my ass!
Can we skip to the part
where you cut his balls off?!
If we could convince Ms. Woods to go
through the motions of discussing assets.
Assets? She doesn't
have any.
I'm the one who spits up all the
money for those dish rags she sells.
Dish rags?
Tell that to Nicole Kidman.
- She wore my dishrags to the oscars, okay?!
- Nyah, nyah, nyah...
I'm sure that Mr. Rafferty will
agree that we'll not get anywhere
without a degree of
consideration from all parties.
Consideration from him?
I'm his g*dd*mn wife.
And he didn't even have the
courtesy to tell me that he got
a skull and cross bones
pierced through the tip of his...
- I have enough.
- I'm good.
Look, forget it, okay? I'm
not interested in his money.
I make a good living.
There's only one thing I want.
Caisleán and clocha.
Oh, yes, I remember seeing
that somewhere. What is it?
It's the most
magical place on earth.
It's our castle in Ireland.
It's my fairytale castle.
Ha-ha. And in here,
this is the... stay.
- This is where we like to rehearse...
- Stay. Ha-ha.
Jam with the boys in the band. This is
where I like to play with my fruit machines.
Feeling lucky.
Feeling lucky!
Uh, gold, gold,
gold, gold, silver.
Who's is that?
That's not mine. Billy!
I hadn't become
my true self at that point.
I was still a bit...
Stupid.
And it's got
like 100 bedrooms.
I don't know,
maybe even less.
Serena uses one
for her hobbies, and she...
She likes to sew stuff.
Oh, here she is.
I love him, I love him,
I love him!
He's all mine!
- He's all mine!
- She may have been on dr*gs at that point.
- Nah, just you, baby.
- You might be able to use that.
Oh, and come
and see my wheels.
Billy!
Okay, that was good.
So this is what you want?
Kezzlin and kloik.
Clocha.
Caisleán clocha.
Right. So this is
what you want?
Yeah.
It means "castle of rock."
I mean, how many more...
Appropriate can you get,
you know?
Uh, when I found that out,
I had to have it, right?
And it was
your decision to buy,
uh, cais... caisl... le cle...
The castle
hell yes.
All right.
I told Thorne
"we have to live here."
So it was your decision
to buy it?
I called
the realtor right away, yeah.
Oh, hello, counselor.
Yes, I may have
good news too.
Well, it looks as though this
thing might end amicably after all.
Yes.
We're in serious danger
of peace breaking out.
Which will make me
very happy indeed.
Me too.
- Anyway, I have spoken to my client.
- So have I.
- She only wants the...
- He only wants the...
Go to Ireland, depose
the staff at the castle,
- and we'll sort this out.
- Yes, your honor.
Oh, I see.
You're after hiring a car.
That's why I'm here,
Mr. O'Callaghan.
Oh, well, you've come
to the right place.
Good.
Only see, thing is,
we're not open
on a Tuesday.
Sorry?
Yeah, see, I'm not here
on a Tuesday.
I know, I know
what you're thinking.
If I'm not here
on a Tuesday
and we're not open
on a Tuesday
and today is Tuesday
and I'm standing here,
then how can it be?
Well now, it all depends
on how you look at it.
You see, normally...
See, if it's Tuesday,
and I'm not there
even though it's Tuesday,
come back sometime
when it's not Tuesday.
Hey!
Excuse me!
Thank you so much.
Could you please...
Where did you get
this g*dd*mn thing?
Top of the mornin' to you.
Caisleán clocha, is it?
Hop in.
In there
oh, okay.
Well, it's really
not that far.
I mean, you just carry on
straight down this road here.
After about, oh, eight miles
you'll see a signpost
for the devil's staircase
and uh...
Well, apparently the castle
is just the other side.
So, where
did you get it?
Uh, Mr. O'Callaghan
back in the village.
He's not open
on a Tuesday.
No, I borrowed this from
Mr. O'Callaghan the butcher down the road.
He's Mr. O'Callaghan,
the car hire man's, uncle.
- And you see, every Tuesday...
- I don't want to know.
Oh, it's beautiful.
If you can
touch the horizon
you're near
your journey's end.
James Joyce?
No, my uncle clive.
But equally profound,
wouldn't you say?
Well, that
spoiled it for me.
What am I going to tell
Mr. O'Callaghan?
Isn't fog the most incredible
natural phenomenon?
See, in rocky areas
like this,
the temperature of the rocks
in the daytime
is much cooler than the earth
so... what happens?
Weather channel.
- It is now midnight.
- Look, look.
I know we're a bit lost,
I admit that,
but we're very close. We're
very close, I can smell it.
- See, I think if...
- Wait a second.
Look, over here.
There's
some old trailer.
Oh my god!
I think we've
landed on our feet.
See if you can get
some light going.
Oh yeah, then I'll run
your bath and get dinner on.
Hey, listen, we're in this
together. We're a team, okay?
Yeah, for now.
Whoo, it stinks!
There we go.
Well, all in all, I think
we've done quite well.
Hey, listen, I got
the light going, didn't I?
Oh yeah, forgive me. I don't know
what I would have done without you.
Actually, I don't know
how you do it.
You write books,
you appear on TV,
you perform your
stand up routine in court.
Are you taking
your clothes off?
Well, just... just...
Just the bottoms.
I mean, you know,
they're covered in slime.
Ugh! Why did I do that?
And in your spare time, you
work for the Irish tourist board.
I was doing fine on my own.
Oh, come on,
let's be honest.
You were lost
until I came along.
Oh, slightly metaphorical.
Anyway, come on.
Lie down. You look
tired. You need to rest.
What, so you can get to
caisleán click before me?
It's not "click."
- It's clocha.
- Clocha.
- Caisleán clocha.
- Kluhh... kuhh.
Clocha... it's not even a word.
What kind of a word is that?
It's an Irish word. We're
in Ireland. Learn to adapt.
I can adapt. I'm very
adaptable as a matter of fact.
- I'm probably more adaptable than you.
- Oh.
And a word of advice.
Never tell a woman
she looks tired.
Boy, you just summed
yourself up in one sentence.
All-consuming, competitive
spirit meets rampant insecurity.
Now why... why would
someone as accomplished
and as clever as you
be so insecure, hmm?
I'll tell you what,
you spend your teenage years
as the pimply, gangly daughter
of the most beautiful
woman in the world,
and get back to me.
You better not leave me.
Never.
Oh my lord.
The hell with Thorne
and Serena. I want it.
Well, duty calls.
Yep.
So you think you
can get the servants
to back up
your claim?
Well, I guess
we'll find out.
I guess we will.
Hello, there.
Welcome to caisleán clocha.
- Hello, I'm Audrey woods.
- I'm Daniel Rafferty.
- I'm representing Mr. Jamison.
- I'm representing Mrs. Jamison.
I'm wondering would it be possible
to speak to the staff for a moment,
ah, would you be the posh
lawyers over from america, then?
- Yes.
- That's grand.
- Well, they all agree with me so far.
- Me too.
Brendan, I'm going to need
to interview the staff again.
I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm afraid you'll be
out of luck there, sir, sure.
They'll all be down
at the festival.
It's the village's
anniversary.
It celebrates the couple who
founded the place nearly 200 years ago.
It's a lovely story.
They were deeply in love
but her father didn't approve,
so they ran away here
and got married in secret.
And every year we have
a festival in their honor.
It's very romantic.
- Singing and dancing.
- Aw, that's nice.
So basically, the old fella didn't like
this Scottish knight nailin' his daughter,
et cetera, et cetera,
so basically, a lame excuse
for a three-day booze up.
So is it the wild woman
of the bogs herself?
I'd never've
recognized ya.
Aye, you're Cuttin'
a fine figure this evening,
even if I do
say so me-self.
And you look like
you're...
You're wearing...
That.
No, no, you got kind of a...
"Lenny kravitz meets kiss
without the makeup" thing going on.
Never too old
to rock and roll, huh?
You heard the story
of this place?
Yeah, it's all little elves
and leprechauns for me.
- Oh. Well, I thought it was rather charming.
- There you go.
Oh, it looks like poteen.
It's not "poo."
It's puh, puh...
"puh-cheen."
It's a traditional Irish drink,
slightly illegal.
- It's like moonshine.
- Oh, so that's Gaelic for "goats nut."
Cheers.
Ah! I was right.
It is poo.
Could I have the pleasure
of this dance with you, miss?
- Oh, you know what, I can't...
- Oh, she'd love to.
- And I'm working.
- Go on. Go on.
- I'm working!
- You'll soon pick it up.
I'm working here.
No!
Make sure to keep
those legs up.
Come on.
Just come on.
No, no, you go.
Are you dancing?
No, I'm not.
No, madam, I'm not.
I'm slightly indisposed.
My ankle and stuff like this.
- I'd love to, but...
- Oh, don't be so soft.
- No!
- Get yourself up here.
Bejesus, you're a wholesome
strap of a woman.
Are you married?
Would you excuse me
for a moment?
I can't leave you alone
for a second, can I?
Come on, honey, let's go.
I'm serious this time.
- I'm sorry.
- Let's go.
Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Oh, lovely.
Lovely.
Fine.
Here you go.
Thanks!
All right!
- Here you go, a drink for the little guy.
- Yeah!
Ladies and gentleman,
please take your places
at the wedding circle.
The vows you have taken
are holy and binding.
You've exchanged rings
as a token
of your eternal love.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
That's beautiful.
It's a lovely story.
They were deeply in love,
so they ran away here
and got married in secret.
It's very romantic.
The vows you have taken
are holy and binding.
You've exchanged rings
as a token
of your eternal love.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Oh my god.
My...
God.
Okay, okay.
Wake up! Wake up!
- Oh, morning.
- Wake up!
Would you please look
at your left hand, please?
- What. Oh.
- Please!
Oh, would you
look at that?
Oh, you got one too.
Daniel, did we
get married last night?
Yes, I have
a feeling we did.
The details are a
little bit fuzzy, - oh, oh...
But I think the bride
was scintillating...
In her figure-hugging
Serena outfit and...
You're not happy.
Do I look happy?!
Well, it's hard to say, I mean, because
you never seem to be happy around me
and I always seem
to make you angry and...
It's all coming back.
We got to find the guy that did
this and tell him we didn't mean it.
- Of course you didn't.
- How could you?
You don't want
to be married to me!
Mrs. Flanagan!
Mrs. Flanagan!
Mrs. Flanagan!
Oh, Mrs. Flanagan!
Ugh, I still don't get it.
How can a whole town
be off on a Thursday
for no apparent reason?
We're just gonna have to file when
we get back to New York, okay?
- It'll be like it never happened.
- But it did happen.
What happened is tied
to a much larger issue.
Lot's of people get drunk
without tying the knot.
I mean, when one's inhibitions are
down, one acts on one's true feelings.
Sanderson v. Sanderson...
supreme court, Illinois, 1993.
You're citing case laws
to support this insanity?
We got married last night for
goodness sake. That means something.
Yeah, it means that we drank too
much and made a mistake again.
- Oh, phooey!
- Hi.
Hi.
We just got married.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Stop telling people.
- She's the first one.
Yeah, but this
kind of news spreads.
I'll come back.
Oh my god.
We can't be married
and be opposing counselors.
Why not?
Can I say something?
- We'll look ridiculous.
- And no you cannot.
We'll be the laughing stock
of the New York bar association
because you will say something
contrary just to be contrary.
Only this is my marriage too.
Oh, my head is thumping.
Will you look at that?
You just broke the
little fella's leg right off.
He's legless.
I liked that.
I was going to save that
as a souvenir.
I'm sorry, Daniel.
I've known you for 35 years.
Alcohol has a very bad
effect on you. You get hyper,
you get aggressive,
you get married.
No one at the office
can know,
so I have to research
whatever legal system
county Clare operates under.
Well, why don't you just file
here if that's what you want?
Oh, that's a great idea.
It'll take the press
exactly two seconds to find out
that I got drunk and married
and divorced in 24 hours.
Given my vast experience
with divorce... and it is vast...
My guess is that there's
a lot of wiggle room.
Hell, you could probably get it
annulled as long as you didn't...
Never mind.
- I have to start wiggling first thing in the morning.
- Mm-hmm.
Mother, what is this?
Oh, the girls and I
are having a lip party later.
You can join us
if you like.
David takes fat out of our butts
and injects it into our lips.
That gives a whole new meaning
to "talking outta your ass."
Hello?
Better pick up
the New York post
before you file
for divorce. Page 6.!
Off to get one of these?
Why did you tell them this?
Are you crazy?
You think I did that?
Why would I do that, when
you made it abundantly clear
that being married was the last thing
you wanted to be, especially to me?
I'm calling the post to tell
them they made a mistake.
- Daniel...
- or that we made a mistake. Which should I say?
No, no, no,
put... put the...
Please, please, please,
put the phone down. I...
I'm n...
I'm not trying
to be hurtful here.
Just bear with me
for a minute, okay?
- Trust me.
- Mm-hmm.
In the way
that you trust me?
Okay, listen.
We got married
whether we like it or not.
And it seems that it was, if
nothing else, a little impulsive.
Personally, I blame
the "poo" drink.
Now we're back in New York, and
on opposite sides of a major case,
so whatever we may or may not
do in the future in the short term...
I agree.
I agree. It's the only
thing we can do...
In the short term.
I haven't said
what I was going to say.
You were going to say
that we have to appear married
or we will seriously
screw up our careers.
So... that only leaves
one question, doesn't it?
Forgive me if I get emotional, but
this is the day every mother dreams of...
The day she gets to watch
her only daughter
put a lock on the bedroom
door to keep her husband out.
Oh, stop it, mother.
It may have been a wedding,
but it is not a marriage.
Hi, I'm the husband.
Hi, I'm the mother.
Uh, this is your room.
I made some room
in the closet
even though it looks like
you never hang anything up.
Bathroom's
through there.
Oh, she's back to her old
self. That seems promising.
I told you darling,
we don't need separate bedrooms.
I don't mind you snoring.
Can I use the kitchen?
He cooks. You never
told me he cooks.
Yes, well, it's been
a strange couple of days.
I'm sure she'll come around,
don't worry.
Shouldn't I
be saying that to you?
Yes, oh, I've enjoyed reading
about you in the society pages.
Are you, uh, really 56?
- Parts of me are.
- Ah.
- Would you like a cocktail?
- Oh, yes, please.
Only if it's an extremely large one.
Okay.
I made brownies.
I've given up sugar.
It was a crutch.
Is that what
you're wearing?
- What's the matter with it?
- Nothing, nothing.
It... it just needs...
Something.
We're married, remember?
We have to make it look
like we mean it...
Even if we don't.
Let me.
Well, say something.
Did you get
yourself one too?
- You want me to do it or you?
- Uh... eh... I can do it.
There, now we
can fool anyone, eh?
I guess.
- All right, all right!
- Quiet back there!
I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
You p*ssy!
- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.
You're welcome.
Just shut up. Why can't
you shut up and listen?
Why can't you fall
under a snowplow?
It's summer.
Yeah, I'll
buy you one as a parting gift.
...so I looked like 12.
Oh, your mother
called earlier.
Hey, I ran into
Tracey abramovitz today.
Oh, Tracey, Tracey.
Four million?
Aspen?
Jeez.
...it looks like it
is going to cut
its way through
the mid-Atlantic states.
So later on in the day... New York
and also around, say, the Stanton area...
You may see an isolated shower
or thunderstorm.
...still soggy
across new england,
otherwise high pressure
settles into the mid-Atlantic coast
and it'll be dry
in the morning tomorrow.
New York's shore forecast
for today, 75...
And not only did Serena
renovate and decorate...
Yes, indeed,
save caisleán clocha...
She restored the gardens. She
reached out into the community,
single-handedly reviving the
ancient textile industry in the area,
pumping revenue
back into the economy.
Yeah, she was pumping
the gardener as well.
Shove it!
Ms. Woods, if you don't
put a muzzle on him...
Your honor, my client
is simply making the point
that while he was away working
hard to pay for the castle,
his wife's activities may not
have been entirely altruistic.
If fidelity is at issue here, we
can happily produce receipts
documenting Mr. Jamison's
tour of the world's brothels.
Yeah!
- Nice.
- All right, all right!
- Quiet back there!
- Ahh!
What is the relevance
of this?
I'm suggesting
that Mrs. Jamison
doesn't deserve to be
awarded a $3 million castle
simply because she hung some
curtains and was popular with the help.
Why not? She shouldn't be
denied her standard of living,
especially when her husband
over there forked out four million
on a love shack
for his mistress in Aspen.
How do you know that?
I...
I said don't
tell no one about Aspen!
What about all that
lawyer!
I will not stand for this
behavior in the courtroom.
You don't even know
how to ski!
Shut it.
I want a divorce.
It was an accident.
I swear.
I was taking out the garbage,
the bag broke...
- ...and then in the middle of the battle...
- I don't believe you.
So...
You want a divorce?
Yes.
So one little hiccup
and we give in, eh?
Just like all the saps
we represent?
Do not throw your take
on life and marriage at me
like some
moral battering ram.
And what about the professional
fallout you seem so desperate to avoid?
Well...
I'm sorry,
I don't believe in divorce.
You don't believe in divorce?
How can you say that?
- You make your living...
- It's a job!
But in those miserable couples,
what do what we see?
Us. We see us!
- People who have made a huge mistake...
- no, no, no, no!
We see people
who are not willing to fight.
You have to fight
for what you believe in.
Fight fair, fight dirty,
but fight!
People who are supposed
to fight to save a marriage
have to be in a marriage
they want to be in!
- I am!
- That's bullshit!
No, it isn't!
Let me tell you something.
I'm not in this marriage
to save my career,
I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but I don't care about my career!
But I do care
about you...
And so I will give you
a divorce, gladly,
because...
Call me old fashioned,
but when you
love someone...
I believe you
should be unselfish enough
to give them
whatever they want.
I'll be around later
to pick up my things.
Mom?
Hi, Sara, it's Arlene.
- Arlene, can I call you back?
- I have Audrey with me.
Darling, you can't
live your life
trying to avoid
the mistakes I've made.
You've got
to make your own.
You think
I'm making one?
I don't know
what to tell you, honey.
All I know is that I'm
running out of favors.
Do you have any idea
how hard it is
to place an item on page six
of the New York post?
It'll be all right.
I had Thorne Jamison's
12-year-old assistant
on the phone this morning.
Don't ask me how she got
my private line... it's unlisted.
Anyway, she has informed me that your
client will not be appearing in court today,
as he has gone back
to his castle in Ireland.
Which as you know has not
yet been awarded to either party
and is, as such,
off limits.
Now I'm going to give you
48 hours to get him back here
or I'm going to dismiss this
case for failure to prosecute.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
- Oh, welcome back.
- Hello, Mrs. Flanagan.
- Oh my god!
- Oh, no.
Oh my god!
Are you... oh!
- Get off of me!
- Oh, I uh...
I-I'm so sorry.
I thought y-you...
You screamed.
Nice one, babe.
Yeah, no... well...
See, uh, we... we both
got here on separate planes
and, uh, we were just about to
get stuck into tearing the place apart
when Mrs. F comes in
and says, "happy anniversary."
Seven years.
You was just a baby,
weren't you?
See, we got married here
in the local village.
Anyway, we decided
to make it work.
Yeah
no.
I couldn't agree more.
- Audrey.
- Hello.
What are you both
doing here, anyway?
I came to tell you you're
not legally allowed to be here.
Yeah, but we are.
Yeah, 'cause like
we own it.
But, uh, you know, thanks
for coming all this way.
Michael! You must
both stay for some nosh.
Yes, sir?
Ah, hello there.
If it isn't themselves.
How are you?
Ah, Michael, hu, will you tell
Mrs. Flanagan
that we will be
two extra for din
no problem, sir.
As well as what?
Being a priest.
Oh, I see!
Yeah,
the old festival.
Ah, no, I just do that
for a bit of fun.
I have an ecclesiastical
demeanor apparently.
So...
You're not a real priest?
Oh, goodness me, no.
Still, I see you went ahead
and did it for real.
I can always tell
the ones who will.
Congratulations.
So...
- So that means then...
- Oh, no! Oh, god.
Well...
The last thing anyone
in this room seems to need
is a divorce attorney.
I won't stay for supper,
if it's all the same to you.
Excuse me.
Well, ah...
Ah, thanks.
Anyway, uh...
Both of you
have been great.
I-I-I had no idea
the legal system was so deep.
Are you okay?
No, I don't think so.
Do you know
what I think?
I think you two have
had a lover's tiff.
Yeah...
Yeah, we did, kinda.
Yeah, well,
you gotta get over it.
You know, you were the one who said
you could get through the bad patches,
that breaking up
was the last resort.
Or something like that.
Yes, I did.
Will you give me a ride?
- I know Ireland like the back of my hand.
- Yeah, right.
Along giant's pass,
through paddy's cross,
over the bridge,
and back
to paddy's cross.
We're lost.
No, no, no, no, I should have
turned right earlier.
Ah, right, I'm all over it.
What time's your flight?
Hi. Did the flight
for New York leave yet?
Two minutes ago.
Did Daniel Rafferty
check in?
I'm sorry,
we're not allowed to give...
Please, please,
can you just be the guy
who breaks the rules,
just this once?
It's really important.
Yeah.
Yes, he did. Were you
meant to be with him?
Yes, I was.
When's the next flight
to New York?
Did you know
that 80% of women
who say they're too busy to have
a relationship, are really lonely?
And are you?
I was.
You're always saying
that you have to fight
to save a marriage
and not give in, right?
Yes.
Do you really
believe that?
Yes, I do...
Very much.
Why?
Well...
Do you want to fight?
Not only do I have to put up
with your bickering,
finger pointing, backstabbing
and name calling during the week,
now you drag me in
on the weekend too?!
Anyway, seeing as
we're here,
counselor woods, I'd like to
ask you a question, if I may.
Do you take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
Will you love him,
keep him,
honor him
and protect him,
and forsaking all others,
be loyal only to him?
- I will.
- I know what to say.
I'm her mother.
I will.
So will I.
Hey! Hey! I didn't
get to you yet.
- Sorry.
- What is wrong with you people?
Do you want to be the only man ever
held in contempt at his own wedding?
No, your honor.
Counselor
Daniel Rafferty,
do you take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
Will you love her...
With the power invested in me
by the state of New York,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Bye.
Here you go,
for old times' sake.
Oh, wow.
How can I refuse?
You know, you folks
may want to close the sunroof.
There's a 79% chance of rain
in the next half hour.
I watch
the weather channel.
Laws of Attraction (2004)
Moderator: Maskath3