02x08 - Alien Dinner Party

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

This city is an as*ault on my senses.

Who the hell is Galvan/Powell Group?

You have no idea who
you are dealing with.

Constellation Ursa Major.

That is where we will find Goliath.

People already think
Patience is a m*rder town.

You want them to think
it's an alien town too?

Jessup is trying to
build a five-star resort.

Who says it's gotta be Jessup?

That Grady property up on the ridge

is beggin' to be developed.

I think you're pregnant.

When you're ready, it'll be there.

- Dr. Smallwood...
- He's trying to fire you.

And now we officially have no doctor.

Dr. Vanderspeigle is
our only real candidate.

He has a birthday comin' up.

The alien we went to see was dead.

Goliath held out for
as long as he could.

- But he gave birth to an egg.
- No!

And now it's in Harry's bag.

Do you even know when it will hatch?

ALL: Surprise!

So where is this alien ball,

and how do I know that
video wasn't a fake?

You're gonna have to trust me.

Last time I saw you, I was
going to have you k*lled.

Seems like trusting
you is moving backwards.

I want to see it.

What do you want?

I give you the ball,
I get my life back...

Honorable discharge, full pension.

- Nobody trying to...
- [g*nsh*t]

[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER" PLAYS]

Get out of my house!

Happy Birthday, Dr. Vanderspeigle.

Glad to have you back in Patience.

Wow, Harry. It's a surprise party.

That's right. Honoring the birthday

of one of our town's
most esteemed residents,

Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle.

Here's to another trip
around the Sun, Dr. V.

By the way, the break
and enter was Ben's idea.

Ah, now, now.
No breaking, just entering.

The door was unlocked.

Yeah, after you climbed
through the window

and unlocked it.

Out of respect for
our wonderful friend...

Nay, our partner, really...

Who deserves to be celebrated
for, if nothing else,

his kindness.

You are all trespassing
and should be in prison.

[LAUGHTER]

- He's jokin'.
- No he's not.

Thanks for the heads-up.

I wasn't invited. I'm just hungry.

Here, let me grab this for you.

No! I can put that away!

Ah, no way. No worrying
about luggage for you.

Whoa, close call there. [CHUCKLES]

All right, let's get
the festivities started.

I do not like having people
at my house uninvited.

Well, now you know how
Earth felt when you got here.

Okay, I'll get rid of everyone.

Just take that thing downstairs.

Only half of it is "thing."

The other half is alien.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Sure.

Oh, Dr. Vanderspeigle,
how was your trip?

I heard you went to a medical
conference in New York.

Yes, I went to an art party,

- and took illegal dr*gs.
- [LAUGHS]

You know, I went to an art party once.

Well, it wasn't an art party.

It was... I guess you
could call that art...

Do you have a pet spider?

Because it's in your hair.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- No, no, no.

- No. No.
- Yes.

Where is it?

It is gone now.

- What?
- [DOOR CLICKS SHUT]

[PANTING] Mm-mm. Nope.

So when you gonna ask Dr. V

to be the town doctor, Ben?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, man. This is
what this is all about.

You're wooing him. Look.

Word of advice: get him
drunk before you ask him.

It'll help smooth the woo.

I'm just showing appreciation.

There's... there's no woo.

Hey, Ben.

Thanks for pulling all this together.

Um, Harry's not really
feeling very well,

so maybe we could do this another night.

Ah, can't.

It's a special night for Harry,
and if he's not feeling well,

then by golly, we will
nurse him back to health

together as a town.

We're stayin'.

[SNIFFS] Woo...

- Ben, that's very...
- Excuse me.

Kay. An alien baby kills you,

it's not my fault.

I do not understand why
humans celebrate their births.

Everyone who is alive has been born.

It is not special.

A birthday party is just
a participation trophy.

[SIGHS]

It's my grandmother's
secret deviled egg recipe.

I snuck into her desk and
stole it when I was ten.

She's hated me ever since.

Mmm. Well, these are insane.

I mean, it's horrible to lose
your grandmother, but worth it.

Last Christmas, she said
she hopes she dies soon

so she can haunt me and steal my soul.

She holds a grudge.

Mm, not for me. I'm not
a fan of yolk mixtures

or having my soul
taken by an angry ghost.

Just try one.

I would, but I said no.

♪ Know that I'll be coming right back ♪

♪ Tomorrow's dream ♪

Fine, yeah. I'll, uh, have a bite.

Oh, my God. Mmm.

It's a delicate farm in my mouth.

- Mmm.
- No.

- You doubted them.
- I didn't doubt it.

You don't deserve a second one.

- No, I do.
- The second one

is even better somehow.

It's like I can taste the farmer's wife

calling her family
in for supper, like...

[INHALES] Mmm.

"Comin', Mama."

Mmm.

"I'm comin'."

But I wanna taste farm supper...

- What did you do with it?
- It is in the bunker.

It is safe.

Glad the alien in the cellar is safe.

Harry, what if it hatches down there?

Mm, alien babies have a big appetite

- for high-calorie junky food.
- Uh-huh.

There's nothing more junky than a human.

We are in danger.

We have to get everyone out of here.

- [GROANS]
- Make yourself look sick.

Oh, that's good.

Yes. Good.

I have not done anything yet.

Oh.

Sorry.

- It's good, though.
- [GROWLS]

Oh, there he is!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

All right.

You think I am a good fellow?

And jolly.

- And so sick... sick.
- Mm.

Sick... of being alone, maybe.

It's your birthday.

It is your special day.

All this is for you.

Plus, cake.

If, uh, Jay ever shows up with it.

Can it be pie?

- No.
- Pie it is.

I feel better! You can stay.

You sure, Doc? You
still look kind of pale.

It is my Dutch skin.

You hear that everyone? Our
good cheer has cured him.

I'm gonna get that pie for you.

Great. I have enough eggs to last

all night, but we may need more ice,

because if they don't stay
chilled, they go south fast.

I got you, Deputy. You got ice down

in that meat freezer of yours, right?

Do not go down there.

The floor's cracked,
and if you step on it,

you'll break your mama's back. Here.

- What'd he say about my mama?
- [SIGHS]

Today is all about celebrating

the birth of a man I m*rder*d

and threw in the frozen lake.

Ice seems appropriate. [SNIFFS]

Sulfur.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hello?

Oh...

[SIGHS]

Wow, soda.

You handling heavy machinery later?

Right, you were out of
town. We haven't talked.

I stopped drinking.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Since when?
- : .

- Last night?
- This afternoon.

- You gotta start somewhere.
- [CHUCKLES]

You know, been eating healthy...

getting back in shape.

Oh! I even started
going to the gym again.

Wow, I love that.

Feels pretty good.

Hey, still waiting on a invite
to come here tonight.

Email not a thing anymore?

[WHISPERS] Open wide.

- Hey hun.
- Hey.

You, uh, having fun?

Yeah. Um, are they gonna do

anything about that sulfur smell?

[WHISPERS] I'm gonna barf.

I don't smell anything. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, uh, remember
when you were pregnant,

and you had that sense
of smell like a superhero?

Hope you're not pregnant. [CHUCKLES]

- Could you imagine?
- [LAUGHS]

Yeah, right?

[SMACKS LIPS] Mmm, I'm gonna get

some sweet gherkins. You want anything?

Oh, sure don't.

Sure don't.

This is a problem.

Even at birth, my alien kind
is very strong and agile.

That thing could be anywhere by now.

If it were a fully human
baby, it would be much easier.

Human infants are the only
mammal whose main attribute

is helplessly flopping.

Need some help with
that ice down there, Doc?

No.

I am good at ice-carrying.

[METAL CLANKS]

You sure? I'll come down and help.

No, no!

I want to carry it myself.

Ice feels good on my nipples.

Thanks, Doc. Damn,
you smell like sulfur.

What, you have an
outhouse party down there?

No.

It is not sulfur. [CHUCKLES]

What are you, crazy?

It is the deputy's
eggs. They are stinky.

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah, those things are
delicious but deadly.

You gotta stop at two, or
it's like eating a butt g*n.

I would not fire
a g*n made out of butts.

The mayonnaise is homemade,
and I mix the yolks by hand.

- Mm.
- And I don't use

canola oil like most people.

The key is olive oil.

It really brings out the eggy flavor.

Mm. Yum.

- Just... excuse me.
- Okay.

- Just one second.
- Okay.

[COUGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ And I'm sorry forall I've taken ♪

♪ And I'm sorry for all I've let loose ♪

♪ I wanna be true ♪

♪ I wanna be forgiven ♪

♪ For givin' up ♪

♪ On everything I knew ♪

♪ I wanna be true ♪

I'm serious. If you're
wearing nurse scrubs

and you're running,
stores will pretty much

let you take anything for free. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Of course.

No, sorry, anything.

Okay, so I marked all
the m*llitary installations

where they could be
holding the alien ball.

I circled the underground
ones nobody knows about.

Ben's throwing a surprise
birthday party for Dr. V.,

but he's just doing that to trick him

into being town doctor again.

It's this big secret.

Yeah. I told everyone.

Town doctor?

What happened to Dr. Ethan?

He left town the night
the Men in Black were here.

You mean the night you
told the Men in Black

Dr. Ethan was the alien?

Yeah, that night.

Guess Dr. Ethan just
didn't like it here.

- Is your brain in your butt?
- I hope not.

Don't you realize what happened?

The Men in Black took Dr. Ethan.

As soon as they figure out he's human,

they'll know the alien
is still in Patience

and come back looking for him.

We have to go to that
party and warn Asta.

How? We have a babysitter.

We'll get her to fall asleep.

I know what to do.

Same way my Aunt Azadeh
conks out when she visits.

- Sleeping pills?
- No...

calm-voiced nature videos.

[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC]

What you gonna do with all them pickles?

Uh, those are not pickles.

Those are sweet gherkins,

or, uh, cornichons.

Did you just correct me
on how to say a pickle?

No. I'm just sayin'.

I'm gonna get some punch.

- Hey, how's the punch?
- It fell.

What?

What?

What?

What?

- Oh, no.
- Huh?

I didn't...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

It's pretty, huh?

Yeah, it's amazing.

I used to spend a lot of time here

when you were dating Harry.

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't call it dating.

It was really more of
a drive-by. [CHUCKLES]

So any exciting news?

No, I haven't taken the test yet.

If I take the test and it's positive,

then I'm pregnant.

Yeah, that's not how it works.

You know, I was just talking
to Harry about New York.

All I could think about
was how exciting it would be

to live there, you know?

The art shows, the theatre, all of it.

Why can't that be my life?

I don't know. Why can't it?

Because I'm stuck here,

pushing out babies like a stray dog.

Ugh... the ones with all the nipples?

- So many nipples.
- Huge, huge nipples.

You adopt one, it turns over. Nipple.

[SIGHS]

Come on.

Let's go pee on a stick.

Hold your breath.

Liv just brought out a new tray of eggs.

Ugh.

The size of the bull elk's antlers

depends on how much
sunlight the elk gets.

Here, this elk basks in the
warm rays of the midday sun.

A full-sized male's antlers
can grow up to an inch per day

during the summer months.

They're typically fully
grown by mid-August.

If he is able to...

Hey!

Where are you going?

- Bike ride?
- Taking out the garbage!

Just come home before
your parents get back.

No dr*gs!

- She's a horrible babysitter.
- Yeah.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Ooh...

[SIZZLING]

What the hell?

Hmm.

- Harry?
- No, just me.

- Just me in here peein'.
- Sorry.

God, I can't hold the stick.
My hand's shaking too much.

Okay, give it to me.
I'll hold it. I'll hold it.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Okay, it's in position. Go.

And you just pissed on my hand.

[KNOCKING]

There you are. What are you doing?

I am enjoying my birthday candy.

Have you checked on the egg?

'Cause if there's any
chance that it will hatch,

we have to get everyone
out of this party right now.

The party cannot end.
There is pie coming.

Do not worry. The baby will not hatch.

It is definitely still
inside of its shell.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Nowhere else!

Okay. It's still a party, though,

so you can't just hide in the bedroom,

- or people will be suspicious.
- Mm.

Come talk to someone,

and don't be weird.

[WHISPERS] And here we go.

I will talk to Dan because he has food.

And that is not weird.

Hi, Dan.

Here is some money for my meal,

and I'll also take a side
of fries at the table.

[RADIO MUSIC PLAYING]

Really sorry about that.

Oh, don't worry.

I've been peed on before.

I have too.

I kind of like it.

I was talking about a frog
I picked up when I was a kid.

Yeah, frogs.

Me too.

- [DEVICE CHIMES]
- Oh.

Time's up.

sh*t.

[SIGHS]

[WEAKLY] Congratulations.

You gonna tell Ben the good news?

Not until I'm convinced it's good news.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Why? If you get overwhelmed,

just think back on a
time when life was simple,

and you were just a woman

pissin' on another woman.

[LAUGHS]

You got this, Hawthorne.

[LAUGHS]

[LOGAN STAATS' "VAMPIRES" PLAYS]

♪ Please darlin' ♪

♪ Take mercy on my broken heart, yeah ♪

♪ And take my soul if
you want what's left of it ♪

You're not gonna believe it.

Eugena Plunkett came
in, saying she saw a UFO

a couple of months ago in Patience.

- Can you imagine?
- That seems... crazy.

Remember that camping
trip when we were kids,

like when Ben saw something,
and he ran, and everyone

followed him, and I
stayed back by the fire?

Yeah, I think so.

But he didn't see anything, right?

- No.
- No.

Yeah. No.

But I did.

Really?

What?

A UFO.

A real-life UFO.

Don't you wanna believe...

that we're not alone,

like, that there's something
bigger than us out there?

Sure. Um, but not in Patience.

I mean, we just barely
got a pizza place.

I am sure there are not aliens here.

You're probably right.

It's just fun to think about sometimes.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Jay's here. Okay.

Pretend like you're
talking to me, would you?

I am talking to you.

Right. Oh God.

I'm so... I just get so
nervous when she's around.

I mean, I've been giving
her space, you know?

But I'm... it just feels
like it's been forever,

and her th birthday is in two days.

- Am I talking fast?
- Mm-hmm.

Talking fast. She's driving now.

Yeah, she's our best customer.

We've given her, like, six tickets.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

Mm-mm. Breathe.

[SIGHS] Okay.

- Yeah.
- [WHISPERS] She's coming.

- She's on her way.
- Don't pass out.

- Hi.
- Hey, how are you?

How are you?

I'm good.

Um, so my birthday's
coming up, which you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was there.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, so... look, I was
wondering if you might want

to do something that day.

Just, um... Just you and me.

- Really?
- Yeah, you know...

just, like, lunch or something.

It's no big deal. Just hang out.

Uh...

I would love that.

Okay. Um, great.

Pick me up at the diner at : ?

Maybe we can check out
that new Mexican place?

I can't wait.

Okay. Um, I'm gonna go...

I'm gonna go eat as much food as I can

before Mr. Hawthorne kicks me out.

Sure. Cool.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING] Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm great.

I just need to pee.

[SNIFFLING]

[SIGHS]

[SCREAMS]

Let me in. I know you're upset.

I'm fine. Just... sneezed.

Um, have you seen Harry?

Don't be too self-conscious.

I had a bunch of them eggs too.

You get in line. I'ma be a while.

Don't stand by the door neither, a'ight?

You're the one that said
not to be self-conscious...

Get away from the damn door!

- I still see your feet!
- All right.

[GRUNTS] Ow.

Looking for something?

I wanted to heat up pie.

[WHISPERS] The baby
hatched, and you knew it!

What? This is news to me.

How did you not tell me this sooner?

Stop it. I saw it in the bathroom!

- [GROANS]
- And it has teeth!

What kind of baby has teeth?

Oh, an alien baby.

They're very good at
ripping things... or people.

Everyone! We have to leave the house!

No. No, no.

I saw it run outside.

Everyone, we need to
stay inside the house!

- Harry...
- We should keep everyone together.

Outside is not safe.

Now, any cop that's
ever been a cop in D.C.

is there, right? Which is just...

That's just the way it is at
Kelly's when a cop retires.

So the next thing you know,

we hear all these
people screaming, right?

We don't know what's going on.

Did a fight break out, you know?

Who knows? And I look,

and parting the sea of bodies is a goat.

- What?
- Jesse had snuck a goat

into the bar and just let it loose.

[LAUGHTER]

See, now that was Jesse! [LAUGHTER]

Good to see you laughin'.

Hey Dad, can I talk to you for a second?

Okay.

Oh, and this other time...

[WHISPERING] The alien baby hatched.

It's loose!

[WHISPERING] Is that a bad thing?

It's not a good thing.

Keep everyone together, and
don't let anyone outside, okay?

Harry's really worried.

- He doesn't look worried.
- Huh?

[LAUGHING] I do not like this gift.

Didn't I, uh, give you
that last Christmas?

Well, maybe if someone had invited me,

I'd have time to shop.

Plus, it smells like doo-doo, baby.

Harry, can I ask you a quick
question about the pie?

The mayor gives cheap gifts.

Oh, actually he worked
pretty hard on that.

Not cheap. Uh, it happens to be beeswax,

- nature's gold.
- Isn't gold nature's gold?

Not to Ben.

What if it's outside?

Then maybe we should stay here.

And if we're going to stay here,

we should open presents.

- [WHISPERING] Asta! Asta!
- Yeah, do not go outside.

Asta!

We should stay inside
while we can't go outside.

- Come on!
- Come on!

- Let's go to the other window.
- [WHISPERS] Yeah.

[EERIE MUSIC]

[RACCOON CHIRPING]

[NORMAL PITCH] Cool, a raccoon!

Aw, look at the cute little...

[RACCOON YOWLS]

[GORY MASHING]

What the?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[ALIEN HISSES]

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BOTH PANTING]

Do you know what this means?

Raccoon bones don't taste good?

Harry is breeding alien babies.

How long do I have to
keep everybody here for?

I mean, is it safe outside?

Did the "humalien" thing run away?

I do not know what the alien will do.

It is a hybrid.

The alien part of it will want
to come back when it is hungry.

It will know there is food here.

You mean us, right?

No, of course not.

It will want to eat the egg
sack that it was born in.

Okay.

Then us.

- Jesus.
- I'll go downstairs

and look for it, and
maybe snack on the sack.

- Ew.
- I need something savory.

You know, about it
maybe eating us thing...

you got b*ll*ts for those g*ns?

They're all loaded.

The real me was redneck-y.

[SIGHS]

Hey Dan. Uh...

I've been carrying around
some of Jesse's ashes with me

for a while now, right?

I'm thinkin' maybe
it's time to let him go.

You know, spread his ashes.

I love that idea.

I think you'll be happier not
carrying that weight around.

Yeah. Well, we used to fish

together a lot. So I thought about

doing it here, on the lake.

You know, maybe we have
a little memorial for him.

I'd love for you to be a part of it.

I'd be honored. Anytime.

Great! All right, let's go.

Uh, not now.

Why not?

Too windy.

Not good ash-spreading weather.

Well, you the expert, right?

I'ma get me some food.

Hey! Dr. V!

Just, uh, thought I'd say hi.

Wow, great work space.

You, uh, you build birdhouses down here?

You, uh, you're a tinkerer?

You like to tinker?

Yes.

Sometimes it makes me shiver

because of the warm
urine leaving my body.

Oh no, that's, uh...

Anyway, hey, um,

wanted to talk to you about something.

Unfortunately, Dr. Smallwood
has decided to retire,

and we have found ourselves, once again,

without a town doctor.

- [GASPS]
- And, yes, I can see

by the concern on your face

that you understand
what a difficult position

this puts me in.

But you know what's even better?

- [GROWLS]
- Is you... returning

as our town doctor. What do you think?

I will consider it! [GRUNTS]

Oh! What the heck was that?

It was an Earth animal.

- It's a sick raccoon.
- Mm-hmm.

We should probably go away.

Don't get close to it.

Yep. Say no more.

- That's my cue.
- Mm.

- Uh, I'll go warn the others.
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Really? That's amazing.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You know, if those
raccoons do have rabies,

we should find them
and take them somewhere.

sh*t, I ain't messin'
with no damn rabies.

You know % of people
who have rabies go insane,

but only % of insane
people have rabies?

That's a Internet fact.

Mmm.

Oh.

This stuff's pretty good.

It's spicier than I remember.

[SMACKS LIPS]

It's tangy.

You know?

- I'll have some of that.
- Yeah.

Well, looks like New
York's out of the picture.

What? Why?

Ben just got a call from some company

that wants to put a resort here.

Says he's gonna be mayor for decades.

Nobody's putting a resort here.

What are you talking about?

I don't know. He says he took pictures

of the Grady land to
sell them on the idea,

and now they want to do it.

What? He said he was using

those pictures for the town website.

What?

Excuse me.

Hey, didn't realize you were still here.

Yeah, just thought I'd
grab something to eat.

That was like an hour ago.

I guess I've been eating for an hour.

- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.

[MUTTERS] Didn't realize I hired Jughead

to deliver the cake.

Hey, what are you two talking about?

Oh, I was just catching up with D'arcy

about the pictures that
you took for the resort.

You know, the ones that
you lied to me about,

that you said were
for the "town website."

Well, I plan on using those
pictures for the town website

as well, so... not a lie.

Hey, uh, should I order more food?

'Cause Jay is going
through it like a lawnmower.

Nope, you totally lied to me.

I mean, Jesus.

We spent the whole day
rock climbing, ATVing,

what, so you could
just bring in a resort

and destroy the town?

Uh, you went rock climbing?

[STAMMERING] A little bit... small rock.

So when I got home from my
mom's, and I said, you know,

"What have you been doing?"
and you said, "Nothing,"

was "nothing" rock climbing with D'arcy?

Uh... you know, I mean,

isn't "nothing" kind of
like a catchall expression?

I mean, it really could mean
lots of different things.

No. It means nothing.

You know, what you and
D'arcy did, it wasn't nothing.

It was something, and for some reason,

you just didn't tell me about it.

I just didn't think it was a big deal.

Oh sh*t. Uh, look.

I hate to insert myself here,

but it looks like Ben
could use a little help,

so just know D'arcy kissed Ben,

not the other way around.

He's a completely innocent bystander.

You kissed Ben?

What a fun development.
You two kissed...

- each other!
- I told you to tell her

about the kiss.

You know, this is on me.

I was drunk and in a
really horrible place.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it.

- It's not Ben's fault.
- Well put.

Well, if it wasn't your fault,

then why wouldn't you
just tell me about it?

I mean, then again, why would you?

'Cause I'm only just now
hearing about you putting

a stupid resort in town.

What resort?

You can't put a resort in Patience.

See? I didn't tell anybody.

Is this the resort you were
talking about that Ben wanted?

Yeah. I think it's a bad idea.

So does my mom.

I might've told Mike, thought
he could keep a secret.

You can't keep secrets from somebody

who buys your bear claws every morning.

It took two bear claws to
find out about the kiss.

Why is everyone listening to this?

'Cause you're having a public
fight, and we have ears.

I'm not having a fight.

I am explaining to my wife

why I didn't tell her
about hanging out with D'arcy

a couple nights ago.

So you hung out at night too?

Okay, now it's a fight.

I'm not fighting.

I don't care if
he hangs out with D'arcy.

They're friends. I... I...

I just don't know why you wouldn't

just tell me about this.

After we left the Grady land,
D'Arcy came back to the house.

She found some weed that
she had hid in Max's closet,

and we smoked it.

Wait, you hid pot in my son's closet?

Yeah, but I hid it back in high school

when I was bangin' your husband.

Ho, ho, ho...

Thought it was time for a hard joke.

- No.
- No.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Nothing happened. She fell asleep.

I tucked her into Max's bed.
End of story.

Wait, you slept over?

Ho, ho, it appears the story
has a few more chapters.

Wait, you smoked -year-old weed?

I did. It was not good.

- Ben...
- Yes, D'arcy slept over

in Max's bed, and I am telling you now

because I have nothing to hide.

So where were you when I
came home the next morning?

Ben told me to hide.
I snuck out the window.

I made a gesture.

You took it to mean hide.

I also stole one of
your kid's candy bars.

- I'm sorry.
- I can't believe this.

You were hiding in my house?

We hung out after that.

You couldn't just tell me all of this?

This whole thing was fake.

I really thought you were my friend.

No, I am your friend.

She apologized for kissing Ben.

I don't care about that, okay?

It's a stupid kiss. Who cares?

D'arcy was drunk and sad. Big surprise.

You know, if you
didn't freak out so hard

about your husband
hanging a sign on the wall,

maybe he'd tell you more sh*t.

Oh, oh, okay that makes sense.

You're our new interior designer.

Spend your time moving a coffee
table across the room with Ben,

because finding a single guy

who's real and available is too scary.

Well, maybe you should
learn to talk to Ben

about your feelings
instead of stuffing them

inside a -mile vertical treadmill run.

So is this what you do?

You insert your drama
into other people's lives

'cause you can't deal with your own?

No, I'm dealing with mine
just fine, all right?

I'm working out. I'm in shape.

I look great. I quit drinking for...

- four hours...
- You lied to me.

You know what? No.

I deserved it, because I
have been lying for years.

You wanna know the
truth? I hate it here.

I hate Patience. I hate my life,

and I hate that I really
thought you were my friend,

and I'm glad that I pissed on your hand

when I took that pregnancy test!

What?

[SIGHS]

I'm pregnant.

[PARTY POPPER BANGS]

Congratulations!

Well, well, well, who's
keeping secrets now?

Um, not really the road

you wanna be drivin' down right now.

- Couldn't agree more.
- Okay.

Can you believe this sh*t?

She actually thinks I'm afraid

of being with a single man who's real.

That's ridiculous.

Pretty much dead on.

You are also really needy.

- [SIGHS]
- Perfect.

Side with the man.

These guys. Am I right, Liv?

I'm not afraid of being
in a real relationship.

What? Oh, coming.

Uh, oh, hey, hey. Where are you goin'?

sh*t, unless you got
another fight planned,

I'm pretty sure that was
the highlight of the night.

No, no. Um, you can't leave yet...

because we still have cake! [GIGGLES]

Whoo.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. [STAMMERS] I...

I should've told you
about the D'arcy stuff.

I figure you're probably,
at this point, well aware,

but um,

you're married to a dipshit.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.

I should've told you about the...

[SIGHS] you know...

Why didn't you tell me?

I don't know. I don't know... I...

[SIGHS] Was...

scared, and we don't
really talk anymore.

Anytime anything remotely
uncomfortable comes up,

we just... we just have sex

instead of talking about
what's really going on.

Then, then...

Let's talk. Right now.

We're gonna have a baby.

Yeah.

That's...

a lot.

It's a lot, a lot.

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday, dear Harry ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

You can go ahead and
blow out the candles.

No.

I do not like cake.

Well, if you don't blow out the candles,

your wish won't come true.

- Mm.
- I'll help you out, Harry.

- Oh.
- Oh.

[DISTANT MOANING]

And someone's having
sex in the bathroom.

Now, do not be concerned.

These old houses...

you can't b*at them, but join them!

Everybody just sit tight, okay?

Nobody leave. Dad, can you help me

go downstairs, check the breaker?

You bet.

Raccoons probably
chewed through the wires.

Yeah, you know, I got this call once.

It was a woodchuck that
got into a fuse box.

Fried the poor little guy medium rare.

Do you know what the crazy part is?

You know what it smelled like?

- Caesar salad.
- Hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Delicious.

Do not worry about the raccoon.

I'm going outside to set a trap.

Oh, I don't think raccoons eat pies.

No. Harrys do.

You can have garbage cake.

Who keeps loaded r*fles in their house?

We're protecting ourselves
from an outer space egg baby.

That's the question you're asking, Dad?

Hey, did you steal fruit?

Oh, yes, Mr. Biggins,
I stole all the apples.

- I need to be punished.
- How about this?

- [MOANS]
- [WHISPERS] Jesus.

I swear, Mr. Biggins,

I didn't mean any disrespect.

- [MOANING]
- You in the right business.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Baby...

Little baby. Agh!

Baby?

Come here.

[FAINT TINKLING SOUND]

- [RUSTLING SOUND]
- Whoa.

[SIGHS]

What are you doing here?

We came to warn you
about the Men in Black.

- They took Dr. Ethan.
- What?

In the spring, Max told
them he was the alien.

Hey, you don't speak for me.

Yeah, what she said is right.

Anyway, once they realize he's a human,

they're gonna come back for Harry.

Plus, there's an alien baby

k*lling animals outside, just FYI.

Yup. I know about that.

Um, thank you for telling me.

Can you please sneak them home

and make sure they don't get eaten?

I'll take care of them.

But it looks like you're not gonna have

any lights for a while longer.

[NORMAL PITCH] Okay. What are you guys

even doing here? Don't
you have a babysitter?

It's Ellen.

Say no more. Okay, get home safe.

I think this is a really weird party.

- Good cake, though.
- Yeah.

Am I a bad person if I like
seeing other couples fight?

- You're a horrible person.
- [BOTH GIGGLE]

[ALIEN CHIRRUPING]

[LOW GROWLING NOISE]

Honey? What's wrong?

Something happened to me.

There's alien activity here,

in Patience. I know it.

What are you gonna do?

The only thing I can do.

I'm gonna call the alien tracker

and tell him to come to Patience

and find himself an alien.

Sorry about that, guys!

Raccoon definitely
knocked out the power.

Um, until we figure this out,

I think we should just stay put.

Better call D'arcy. She just left.

[WHISPERS] Ugh, damn it.

[NORMAL PITCH] Hey!

- Hey.
- Oh.

- Nice r*fle.
- [SIGHS]

You headed out to scare up some vittles?

Didn't you hear?

There's a rabid raccoon on the loose.

Good. Maybe it'll bite me.

If I start foaming at
the mouth, don't sh**t me.

Just...

let me suffer.

Don't listen to anything she says.

It's not true.

Yeah it is, though.

Do you know what my
very first thought was

- when I met Elliot?
- Nice ass?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Do you know what my second thought was?

"How long till I mess this up?"

What the sh*t is wrong with me?

Okay.

So un-mess it.

- Call him.
- Yeah, right.

Call him now.

I have a g*n.

[GROANS] I'm not calling him.

- Okay, I'll do it.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no.

- No, no, I'll just do it.
- You won't do that, 'cause no,

- I'll text him.
- I'll call...

Okay, I'll text him! I'll text him.

[SIGHS]

What do I even say?

Uh, how about "Hi?"

- That's kind of brilliant.
- Yeah.

[CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING]

Okay, it's sent.

Ugh! Now I just have to be

nauseous for two weeks
waiting to see if he...

- Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHS] Hey! Hi.

You're a g*dd*mn genius.

- Hi.
- Hi. It's simple. It works.

- Yes. Okay, are you gonna write back?
- Hi.

No. I mean, in a couple days.

What am I, desperate?

Baby, this is for you.

[SNIFFS]

Mmm.

Come and get it!

[CLICKING]

Oh.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

- [SQUEALS]
- [GRUNTS]

[YOWLS]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[SIGHS]

Hello, Harry.

I'm Goliath.

Goliath.

Why are you inside a hybrid alien baby?

Clever, right?

I needed to send you a message,

and this is a big one.

First, you need to know that
our people are not coming

- to k*ll everyone.
- Why are they not coming?

Because it's too dangerous.

There's an alien race that's planning

to take over the Earth.
They're here, Harry.

What alien race?

You must be careful. They are...

Wha...

Ah.

No...

You should've just stayed in
Colorado and done your job.

You sh*t me.

Yeah, like you sh*t two
of my guys in New York.

I should have never
made you k*ll Sam Hodges.

I should have just
taken care of it myself.

[g*nsh*t]

Asta.

[BELLE AND SEBASTIAN'S "THE
BOY WITH THE ARAB STRAP"]

Holy sh*t.

[PANTING] Harry...

♪ A mile and a half on
a bus takes a long time ♪

♪ The odor of old prison food ♪

♪ Takes a long time to pass you by ♪