04x03 - Hail to the Fire Chief

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife





♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

(upbeat music)

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- What are you doing?

- Cooking breakfast.

I hope you're hungry.

- [Oliver] Yeah, just a minute.

What is that?

- Bacon and eggs.

- That's a picture.

You expect me to eat that?

- Of course not.

- Well then, why did you
paste it in the frying pan?

- Well, I've never cooked
bacon and eggs before

and I want to be sure that
it comes out just like this.

- I see.

No, I don't see.

- Well, it's like a blue point.

- A what?

- You know, when
you're building a house

and the carpenters follow it.

- A blueprint.

- I thought that was an oyster.

- Oh yes, that's right.

A blueprint oyster.

Hold it.

I'll just have some coffee.

- Help yourself.

- Yes, you're sure there's
not a picture in here?

- No.

- There's no coffee
in here either.

- There isn't?

- No.

- Oh, I remember putting
the coffee in something.

Oh yes, I put it in the
sugar bowl to remind me

that we're out of
sugar for the coffee.

- Well, I'll get some.

I've got to go into
Drucker's store anyway.

- Well, what about
the bacon and eggs?

- Oh, paste it in my scrapbook.

It'll be nice to
remember some day.

(upbeat music)

- You know, Sam,
they're holding the annual

fire chiefs convention
in Miami this year

and I've been invited.

- Joe, those apples
are 10 cents a piece.

- Yeah, I know.

All the fire chiefs
in all the big cities

are gonna be there.

- The money, Joe.

- Oh.

Here's five cents.

- I told you they were a dime.

- Oh well, I only wanted a half.

- I don't sell half an apple.

- Put a rubber band around it
and it'll look as good as new.

- Look, Joe...

- I was saying, all the
important fire chiefs

in the fire country are
gonna be at the convention.

I figure on getting to
Miami a couple days early

so I can get a good suite
at the Hotel Fountain Blown.

- Fountain Blown?

- Yeah, that's a French word.

- Joe, if you hadn't
got enough money to

buy a whole apple, how
do you figure to get to Miami

and live in a suite?

- I was just coming to that.

You see, it's a custom
among us fire chiefs

to allow the citizenship
of our community

to subsidize the trip.

I got you down for two bucks.

- Oh, well that's
darn nice of you.

- The reason I'm letting
you off so reasonable

is because you always
let me come in here

and take a free apple.

- Doggone you, Joe.

- As I was saying,
your two dollar donation

toward my trip will...

- I ain't giving any
donation and I don't think

anybody else will either.

- That's a fine thing.

Fire chiefs from Los
Angeles, New York, Chicago,

are going to be there.

How's it going to
look if I ain't there

to represent Hooterville?

- I don't think
they'll even notice.

- There ought to be somebody
around interested enough

to finance my civic minded trip.

After all, it's only gonna
cost the poultry sum of $690.

- Well, just who do
you think is going to be

stupid enough to give you $690?

- Good morning, gentlemen.

- Care to buy half
an apple for a dime?

- They're a nickel.

- Thought you didn't
sell half an apple.

- [Sam] Give me that.

- Well, how have you
been, Mr. Douglas?

- Well fine, fine.

- I'm glad to hear it.

- Well, thank you, thank you.

Now, Mr. Drucker...

- You know, for a long time
now, I had my eye on you.

- Oh?

- Yeah, as fire
chief, I have to keep

a pretty close watch on
my medial subordinates.

And it's been called
to my attention

that you got the makings
of a great firefighter.

- Oh thank you.

- That's the reason
I'm raising you up

through the ranks and
making you deputy fire chief.

- Well, that's very...
- Joe, put that back.

- I need it for the
swearing in ceremony.

- Oh brother, Joe.

- Mr. Douglas, put your left
hand on that fire extinguisher.

- Look, really...

- Now raise your right hand.

Do you solemnly swear
to uphold the duties

of the deputy fire chief,
which include getting

plane tickets to
Miami and reservations

at the Hotel Fountain Blown?

- Why should I get you...

- He's trying to con
you into paying for a

vacation to Miami.

- It ain't a vacation.

It's a fire chief's convention.

- Well look, you don't
expect me to pay for your trip.

- You ain't gonna
pay for all of it yourself.

I got Sam down
here for two dollars...

- Which I ain't giving.

- Ben Miller's on
for two and a half,

Newt Colly down for 2.85...

- All right, if everybody's
giving, how much

do you have me down for?

- $690.

- The most you'll
get out of me is five.

- Well, 500 will be all right.

I can get a smaller suite.

- Five dollars.

- That's the thanks
I get for organizing

the finest volunteer
firefighting outfit in the county.

Ain't that true, Deputy?

- Oh, I don't
think it's the finest.

- Oh you wouldn't know, you
ain't been deputy long enough.

- Joe, our fire
department's a joke.

We don't even have any
firefighting equipment.

- That's one of the
reasons for my trip to Miami.

I planned on circulating
around among

the other fire chiefs,
see if I can pick us up

a good used hook and ladder.

- Oh, I don't think
you're going to...

- You still here, Deputy?

I thought you were out
working on my reservation.

- Mr. Carson, I think
Mr. Drucker's point is well taken.

We really don't have
a fire department.

We haven't any equipment.

Now, I'd be happy
to donate to that.

- How much?

- Well, whatever...

- 690 bucks ought
about cover it.

- Joe, you really want to
make our fire department

the best in the county?

- Well sure, how?

- Resign as chief.

- We can discuss it after
I get back from Miami.

- No, I think we'll discuss
that Sunday afternoon

at the town meeting.

(upbeat music)

- Lisa?

(snorting)

Get off of that couch.

- It's all right, Arnold.

Just stay where you are.

- Lisa, I don't
want him sitting...

- He's our guest,
he came over for tea.

- Tea?

- He's on an English kick.

- Oh.

Well, where's his cricket bat?

(snorting)

Lord Shelton Slugger.

This is the most ridiculous...

- Did you bring the sugar?

- Oh no.

- But I promised
Arnold some for his tea.

- Well, I forgot.

(snorting)

I'm sorry I'm only human.

Which is more than you can say.

(snorting)

- Now you insulted him.

- Fine, let him mooch
his tea somewhere else.

- You're not a very good host.

- No, I got, oh, he
forgot his cricket bat.

- Oh that's all right, the
game has been postponed.

How could you forget the sugar?

- I was talking to Mr. Drucker.

- What about?

- About the volunteer
fire department.

Guess who Mr. Carson
made the new deputy fire chief?

- Who?

- Me.

- [Lisa] Oh, Oliver.

I am so proud of you.

- Oh no, it's nothing
to be proud of.

He's trying to get me to
pay for his trip to Miami.

- Well, it's nice
of you to do it.

- I have no
intention of doing it.

- Then you won't
be deputy fire chief.

- If I have to buy a
promotion, I don't want it.

- You never would have
gotten anywhere in Hungary,

because if you want
to be anybody there,

you have to shell out.

- Lisa, I'm not...

- For $69 in the right
hands, they would make

you police chief for a week.

Or you could be a principal
of the high school for $37.

- Yes, well...

- Then my father was the king.

- When was your
father ever the king?

- The time the real
king went on a vacation.

My father bought the
crown and the throne

for two days for $38,000.

- 38,000?

- Yes, but he made
$92,000 in the deal because

for the two days he was king,
all they did was collect tax.

- Lisa, I never heard of such...

- Do you know what it cost
him to make my mother queen?

- I don't care.

Of all the stupid stories...

- Well, just because
you're deputy fire cheese

doesn't mean you
can yell at everybody.

- I am not the deputy
fire cheese, or chief.

- You said that
Mr. Carson made you that.

- Look, I'm afraid
Mr. Carson is not gonna be

in any position to
make anybody anything.

There's a meeting Sunday
afternoon, and I have a feeling

they're gonna replace
Mr. Carson with another fire chief.

- And that's going to be you.

- I didn't say that.

- Well, if you're the deputy
and you get him kicked out,

that makes you Mr. In.

- Lisa, I'm not getting...

- What a terrible thing to do
to a fine man like Mr. Carson.

But then anybody who
would swipe a cricket bat

from a nice pig like
Arnold, will do anything.

- The nice pig
forgot his cricket bat.

And believe me,
I'm not interested in

taking over Mr. Carson's job.

- [Lisa] You mean that?

- I mean it.

- [Lisa] Oh, Oliver.

You're all wool
and wide in the yard.

(upbeat music)

(bangs gavel)

- Town meeting will
now come to order.

Now let's not waste
any time, because I know

you're all anxious to get
over at the cricket match.

- Cricket match?

- We've got something
real important to discuss,

so will somebody
please make a motion

that we dispense with
the reading of the minutes

and the old business?

Chair recognizes Haney.

- Mr. Chairman, I
ain't too sure that

such a motion is in order.

- [Sam] Why not?

- Well, Mr. Douglas,
can I borrow your copy of

Seedlingers Rules on
parliamentary procedure?

- Well, I don't have one.

- You don't have a Seedlinger?

- No.

- Well, we can
rectify that deficiency.

That'll be 75 cents.

Anybody else care to
purchase a copy of Seedlingers?

- Haney, sit down.

We've got a long
meeting ahead of us.

- In that case, would
anybody be interested

in renting this
genuine cane pillow?

Which is guaranteed
to prevent seat fatigue.

- Haney, if you don't
stop hawking all that stuff,

I'm gonna have you
thrown out of the meeting.

Now, will somebody please
make the motion I asked for?

- I make the motion that
we dispense with the reading

of the minutes and the
discussion of old business.

- Comfortable, ain't it?

That'll be 50 cents.

- I don't want...

- I'm sorry, but according
to the County Health Code,

a sat upon seat
cannot be returned

without being dry cleaned.

That'll be 90 cents
for dry cleaning.

- Mr. Haney.

- Gentlemen, please.

A dispensing motion
has been made.

All in favor, raise your hand.

Motion's carried.

(bangs gavel)

Now, to get to the
important business.

The Hooterville Volunteer
Fire Department meeting

is open for discussion.

Mr. Douglas.

- Gentlemen.

I don't think it's any secret
that our fire department

is a disgrace.

It's inefficient,
it's ill equipped,

and in the event
of any emergency,

it would be completely
impotent, not only...

- Is that word impotent?

- Yes.

- You spell that
with an I or an E?

- An I, what are you doing?

- Just looking up the
meaning of that word

in this new handy
pocket dictionary.

Which I am offering
today for only one dollar.

It contains 20,000
words, most of which

can be used in polite society.

- Haney.

(bangs gavel)

- Mr. Haney, may
I please continue?

- Oh, go right ahead.

As I was saying.

Our fire department is outdated.

We need equipment.

We need instruction.

In other words, we need
to completely overhaul

the Hooterville Fire Department.

- I agree.

The chair will now
entertain the motion

to fire Joe Carson.

- Oh, wait gentlemen...
- Motion's made.

- No.

- All those in favor?

Motion carries, Joe's fired.

Now, the next order of
business is the new fire chief.

And since this ain't
gonna be an easy job,

I think it's only fair
that we ask for a

volunteer for the job.

- Mr. Drucker...

- Mr. Douglas, we
accept your volunteering.

- No, but...
- Hail to the new fire chief.

- [Board Members] Hail hail.

Hail hail.

Hail hail.

- Oh hail.

(upbeat music)

(knocking)

- Coming.

Oh hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Is Mister,

what's your husband's name?

- Oliver.

- Oh yes.

Is Mr. Oliver home?

- Oh no, not Mr. Oliver.

Just plain Oliver.

- Oh, is just plain Oliver home?

- No, but he'll be here shortly.

I'm making Sunday dinner,
would you like to stay?

- Oh gee, I'd like that.

Well, maybe I wouldn't.

What are you having?

- Pot roast.

- Oh, my mother
makes pot roast like that.

Except she uses
a smaller picture.

- Then you'll stay?

- Oh no, I'm on a diet.

I'm not allowed to
eat paper or mucilage.

Anyway, I can't stay too long.

I just come over to
sneer at your husband.

- What for?

- Well, I guess
you didn't hear what

just plain Oliver did
to poor Joe Carson.

Hoisted him out of
his job as fire chief.

Got him kicked out, lock
stock and extinguisher.

- Just plain Oliver did
that to poor Mr. Carson?

- He really stuck
the shiv in him.

They're gonna
cashier him tomorrow.

- What's that?

- Oh, you know.

They pull the epaulets
off his uniform,

cut off his button, jump up
and down on his fire helmet,

punch holes in his rubber boots.

It's a sad sight.

I once saw them
cashier a fire chief over at,

no, that was a police chief.

No, that was my father.

- I wonder why Oliver did that.

- Gee, I don't know.

He didn't even know my father.

- No I mean, why did
he do that to Mr. Carson?

- Why?

I'll tell you why.

So he could get
the job as fire chief.

- But he said he didn't
want to be fire chief.

- Well, for somebody who
said he didn't want to be,

I heard he made the
motion to kick Joe out.

Then he jumped up
and volunteered before

anybody else had a chance.

Well, I guess a free trip
to Miami without his wife

was too tempting to pass up.

Then there's the...
- Wait a second.

Let's go back to
Miami without his wife.

- Oh as I understand
it, one of the rules

of the fire chief convention
is that no wives are allowed.

You see, it kind of
interferes with the chiefs

sitting around the hotel
lobby, ogling the girls in bikinis.

- So, that's what he
has up his sleeve?

- Oh, I don't think
it's up his sleeve.

They probably search
everybody before they

come in the hotel.

- Well, just wait
until he gets home.

- Well I wouldn't
expect him too soon.

He's probably out celebrating.

Hoisting a few.

(laughs)

Do you have a chaser, please?

- Lisa...

- Look who is here,
just plain Oliver.

The bikini ogler.

- [Oliver] What?

- May I have your
attention, please?

(growls)

In case you didn't
know what that was,

it was a sneer.

Good day, Mrs. Douglas.

(growls)

- What was that all about?

- As if you don't know.

- Lisa, I don't.

Come back here.
- Where have you been?

- I've been at the
town meeting and,

by the way, guess what I am?

- A rat fink?

- A what?

- How do you feel forcing
Mr. Carson out of his job

and getting holes
punched into his boots?

- Would you mind telling
me what you're talking about?

- You're the new
fire chief, aren't you?

- Yes, but I...

- I thought you
didn't want the job.

- Yeah, the whole
thing was a mistake.

- Some mistake.

It shows when the chips
are down, you're the first

to throw your hand in the pot.

- Lisa...

- Getting Mr. Carson
fired so that you would

get a trip to Miami without me.

You did a terrible thing to him.

- Lisa, the town
didn't want him.

They voted him
out, they voted me in.

- After you volunteered.

- Oh, all I did was
stand up and say...

- That you'd take his job.

- Look, there's no great
honor in being the fire chief

but somebody's got to get
the department organized.

The farms, maybe
the lives of the people

in this valley, depend
on the efficiency

of the fire department.

Once I get it
organized and working,

Mr. Carson can
have his job back.

- After you made the
trip to Miami without me.

- At the moment, that
sounds like a great idea.

- Where do you
think you're going?

- To take a nap.

- Not in my bed.

From now on, you're
going to sleep on the couch.

- Lisa, I'm not going
to sleep on this couch.

Lisa, Lisa, open the,

all right, if you're ever
on fire, don't call me.

(upbeat music)

(bones cr*ck)

Ooh.

Oh, that stupid couch.

- Got the back
crabs this morning.

- Oh, Eb.

- Heard you had to sleep
on the couch last night.

- Well, that's none
of your business.

- It must be pretty
degrading to a big

fire chief like yourself.

- Eb, I can do
without your sarcasm.

- Oh, I wasn't being sarcasm.

I admire your rise to power.

Working your way up
through the ranks with nothing.

Except the Kn*fe you
put in Mr. Carson's back.

- I'm getting a
little tired of this.

I did not Kn*fe anybody.

I didn't ask to be fire
chief, do you understand?

- Yes, Chief.

When are you leaving for Miami?

- Look, I don't want the job.

I'd like to get out of it.

Now please, go away.

- I'm just trying to help.

Anyway, you ain't got
anything to worry about.

Today's Monday, isn't it?

So why aren't you?

- Why aren't I what?

- When Mr. Carson was
chief, he went around

the valley on Mondays
inspecting for fire violations.

- You mean, he'd go
around giving out tickets?

- He tried that once and
they threatened to fire him.

- You mean nobody's ever
paid a fine for a violation?

- Not when Mr. Carson was chief.

- Well.

Mr. Carson isn't chief anymore.

(upbeat music)

- Joe never gave me a
ticket for that loose stove pipe.

- Mr. Carson is
not chief anymore.

- Well but, Mr. Douglas...
- Chief Douglas.

That violation
will cost you $35.

And if it's not fixed by
tomorrow, it will be $55.

- But Mr. Douglas...
- What is that?

(clicks tongue)

- What's the (clicks tongue)

for?

- Overcrowded outlet.

That'll be a $15 fine.

Now.

Uh oh.

- Does an uh oh
cost more than a...

(clicks tongue)

- I'm afraid so.

$25 for having your pickle
barrel blocking the exit.

- Well when Joe
was chief, he never...

- Mr. Drucker, you
kicked him out because

you complained that
he wasn't efficient.

- Well yes, but...

- I'm just trying to
do my job the way

you wanted me to.

And by the way, I'll see you
tomorrow morning at six AM.

We're having an
all day fire drill.

- Well, of all the
dagnabbit, doggone,

gull blasher,
ring ding, unfair...

- That will be
another three dollars.

- What for?

- Getting hot under
your celluloid collar.

(upbeat music)

- $14?

- Yes.

This wooden Indian
should be flame proofed.

- But Joe Carson...
- Is not chief anymore.

Let me see.

Oh.

Is this soldering
iron connected?

- Well yes, it is.

- Oh I'm sorry, that's
going to cost you $18.

- Well, why?

- Section 14 of the
Fire Prevention Code

states that a
connected soldering iron

must be at least 30
feet from an unflamed

proofed wooden Injun.

- Well, it was, it was,
but while I was working,

the Indian moved
over closer to watch me.

- Uh huh, to watch you what?

- I was antiquing this
genuine early American desk.

- In an enclosed space?

Oh, sorry.

That's a $47 fine.

- $47?

- And I'll see you tomorrow
morning at Bleeker's Bluff.

We're going to test out
the old fire jumping net

and you're the first jumper.

Goodbye.

(upbeat music)

- You think you fellows
got socked with big fines.

Wait until you hear what
Mr. Douglas did to me.

- What did he do?

- To who?

- To you.

- Oh.

Well, he walked in my
house, he looked around,

and you know what he said?

- Well, what did he say?

- What did who say?

- Oh, forget it.

- How can I forget a
$26 fine just for having

my mother in law
too close to the stove?

- That's nothing.

He found $75 worth
of violation in my store,

and that's more than I
took in in the last four years.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

- Well, there's only
one fair thing to do.

All those in favor of
kicking Mr. Douglas out,

raise their hand.

The vote is unanimous.

Mr. Douglas can
consider himself kicked.

(upbeat music)

- You were the fire
chief just for one day.

You can't hold a job, can you?

- I should think you'd be
happy that I got myself fired

and Mr. Carson
is fire chief again.

- Did Mr. Carson get his trip
to Miami to the convention?

- No, no.

The town refused to
donate money for that.

- Oh, poor Mr. Carson.

He had his heart set on it.

- I wouldn't worry
about poor Mr. Carson.

(siren blares)

What's that?

(siren blares)

Mr. Carson.

- Chief Carson.

Douglas, would you
mind getting your boots

so I can punch holes in them?

- I'll get them.

- Nevermind.

Mr. Carson, would you
mind telling me what this is?

- It's a fire engine.

No wonder they didn't
keep you as chief.

- I mean, where did you get it?

- Well, you kept yakking
for new equipment

at the department,
so I bought it.

- You bought it?

- Well, not exactly.

I got it on consignment
for two weeks.

If it don't meet our
requirements, I can return it.

- Well, that's very...

- I'm gonna give
it a stiff road test.

(upbeat music)

All right, Charlie.

Hotel Fountain Blown in Miami.

Don't spare the sirens.

(siren blares)

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] This has been a

Filmways Presentation, darling.