04x18 - A Day in the Life of Oliver Wendell Holmes

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Mr. Douglas?

Mr Douglas!

- I'm here.

- I was so excited I
didn't even see you.

There's a story about
you opening your law office

right here on the front
page of the World Guardian.

Listen to this.

Oliver Wendell Douglas
announces that...

Continued on page two.

He is opening law offices
with, continued on page three.

Brian Williams, a local boy
who, continued on page one.

- Page one?

- Graduated with high honors
from, continued on page four.

- Oh, for the love of...

- The state school of,
continued next week.

Real cliffhanger, ain't it?

- Of all the...
- Oliver, Oliver.

What time do we
have to go to the office?

- What are you wearing?

- It's my secretary outfit.

- Are you gonna
be their secretary?

- Mhm.

- Not if you wear that.

- What's wrong with it?

- It's something
you'd wear at a...

Anyplace you
want to get arrested.

- I like it.

- She's not working for you.

Go on, put on something
more conservative.

- I meant to ask you.

Who is the Brian Williams
they mention on pages one,

two, three, one, and four?

- You don't know him?

He grew up here in Hooterville.

- Is he a tall boy
with green hair?

- Green hair?

- No, that was Betty Abernathy.

She used to eat chlorophyll
and it went to her head.

- Oh, you.

Look, Eb, I got a list
of things I want you

to do around here today
while I'm at the office.

First, I want you to
spray the tomatoes.

- Oliver, how's this?

- That's better.

- Yeah, I've always
liked you in that.

- You mean you saw
me wear this before?

- Several times.

- I'll see what else I can find.

- Eb, never tell a
woman you've seen her

wear the same dress before.

- I always tell my girl if
she's wearing the same dress.

I've been telling her
that for three years now.

- Let's get back to
things I want you to do.

After you spray the
tomatoes, I want you to weed

the 40 acres of corn, and
when you're done with that...

- That'll be a week
from next Tuesday.

- Eb, I'm counting on you to
keep the farm running for me.

- I'll do my best.

I'll get up early in the
morning and milk the cow,

feed the chickens, slop
the hogs, make the beds,

tote that barge, lift that bale,

♪ Old man Douglas got
drunk and landed in jail.

- Eb, just do the
things I told you to do.

- Yes, sir.

What were they again?

- Have you ever
seen this one before?

- Not on you.

But that's the one my
girlfriend has been wearing

for the last three years.

- It's fine.

Come on, let's go.

- Just a second.

I bought a present
for you to help you

launch your new office.

- Oh, a bottle of champagne.

- Yes, ma'am, and
it's almost half full.

- How do you buy a half
of a bottle of champagne?

- You just have to
know some other guy

that wants to buy half
a bottle of champagne.

Listen, if it's a little
flat, you can just put

some salt in it
and it'll foam up.

- Put it back on the
ice and we'll foam it up

when we get home, thank you.

Come on, Lisa, let's go.

- Goodbye and good luck,
and don't worry about a thing.

- Look, Oliver, they put
your name on the window

of your office.

Oliver Mendell Douglas.

- Mendell?

That stupid sign painter.

It's supposed to be Wendell.

- When did you change it?

- It's always been Wendell.

- You could have fooled me.

- I'll have to call
him, come on.

- You're Mendell
here too, Wendell.

- Oh, for the love of...
- Good morning.

- Good morning, Brian.

- Oh, the furniture came.

- Yes sir, which
desk do you want?

- I'll take that one.

- That's the secretary's desk.

- What's that lump on it?

- That's a typewriter.

- What's that for?

- Lisa, maybe I'd better
drive you back home.

- I know what a typewriter is.

Don't forget I graduated from

the Budapest
Secretarial College.

- Fine.

- It's not easy to
graduate from there.

- I'm sure.

- You have to know typing,
shorthand, dictatorship.

- No, dictationship.

Dictionship.

Dictitationship.

- Did you see our
names in the window?

- Yes, and the sign
painter made a mistake.

My middle name isn't
Mendell, it's Wendell.

- Are you sure?

- Of course I'm sure,
I know my own name.

- I just meant, the sign
painter seemed so positive.

- I'll call him and
have it changed.

- To what?

- Mendell, er, Wendell.

- I'm afraid you can't
call him from here.

They haven't
installed the phone yet.

- Oh, for...

- There's a phone downstairs
in the lobby of the bijou.

- I'll be right back.

- What do you want me to do?

- You just sit there
and stay out of the way.

- (sighs) That's what you get
when you work for a relative.

- Hello, excuse me, I want to...

- Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Haney, what
are you doing here?

- I'm helping out my cousin.

He owns this theater.

- Well, I wonder if I
could use your phone.

- Help yourself,
it's in the lobby

right next to the
popcorn machine.

That'll be 25 cents.

- What for?

- A ticket.

- I don't want a ticket.

- Well I'm sorry,
but you can't go

into the theater without one.

- I don't want to
see the picture.

I just want to use your phone.

- That's what they all say.

My cousin warned me to
watch out for deadbeats like you.

- I am not...

Is there another phone
anywhere else around here?

- My uncle, he's got
one at his gas station

down at the corner.

- Thank you.

- But you gotta buy five
gallons of gas to use it.

- All right, here's
your quarter.

- Thank you.

There.

You think you'll be
coming back later

to make another phone call?

- I don't know.

- Well, just to be
on the safe side,

we better stamp your hand.

- Hey, what did you do that for?

- That's so's you can
get back into the theater

without buying another ticket.

- Mr. Telephone Man,
it won't bother you

if I practice my
typewriting, will it?

- No ma'am.

- D-E.

Telephone man.

- Yes?

- How many Es in dear?

- What kind of dear?

- The dear sir dear.

- Oh, one E.

- Thank you.

D-E-R.

- No, there's an A in there.

- Oh, any idea where it goes?

- Right after the E.

- D-E-A-R-E-A.

Sir, S-U-R.

- No, S-I-R.

- We went to Big Sur and
that's the way they spelled it.

S-U-R, and this is a Big
Sur because I used a capital.

In answer, I-N.

S-W-N-E.

- Don't you need this?

- Where did that come from?

- Your typewriter.

- Oh.

How are you doing?

- Fine, fine.

- That's wrong.

- That's the way they go.

You see, the blue
wire leads to the phone.

- But the phone is black.

Shouldn't it be a black wire?

- Lady, I'm just following
this wiring diagram.

- May I see the diaphragm?

- No, diagram.

- This is where you
made your mistake.

- I haven't made a mistake.

- Well, then why didn't
the phone ring yet?

- Because I just
finished hooking it up.

- One moment please.

Is this a local call?

- Yes, ma'am, I'm just
calling the telephone company.

Testing, 1, 2, 3.

This is Hooterville 297, would
you ring me back please?

(phone rings)

Hello.

Fine, thank you.

All right, your phone
is working okay.

Now just let me show
you this buzzer system.

- Ooh, we're getting
pretty chummy, aren't we?

- No, no.

- Just because a
girl is a secretary,

that doesn't mean that
you can get fresh with her.

- Lady, I'm not trying
to get fresh with you.

I just want to show you
which button is which.

This button is for that desk.

- That's Mr. Williams,
he's out to coffee.

- The other button
is for the other desk.

- Oh, that's my husband.

He's downstairs in the bijou.

- Well, tell them that the
buzzer system was your idea

and not mine, huh?

- Okay.

- And if you have any
trouble, just call the office.

And ask for Bill Harding.

- Is that your name?

- (laughing) No, ma'am.

- What are you doing?

- Trying to put this
back on the typewriter.

- Don't use the telephone.

They only put one phone in?

- That's all they had.

- Why did you have
them put it on your desk?

- Because I'm the secretary
and I answer it when it rings.

- What good is that?

Then I've got to come
all the way over here.

- If you stop yelling
and go over there

and sit down at your desk,
I'll show you how it works.

- Okay.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

- Let's say that the
phone is ringing.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

- Well answer it.

- You never answer
the first two rings

because it looks
like you are not busy.

- For the love of...
- Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Now.

Good morning,
this is the law offices

of Douglas and Williams.

Mr. Douglas, just a minute.

I'll see if he's in.

- I'm in.

- First I have to
buzz you to find it out.

- All right, buzz me.

(bell ringing)

What's that?

- Your buzzer.

It's on the side of your desk.

(bell ringing)

- Stop ringing!

- Now that I've
got your attention,

I say, "There's a
phone call for you.

"Do you want to take it?"

- Yes.

Now what?

- That's the easiest part.

- This is the silliest...

Why didn't you get a phone
with an intercom system?

- This is the only
kind they had.

And they didn't
really have this one.

The clanger was my idea.

- I should have known.

- Who are you calling?

- The phone company.

- The number is
testing one, two, three.

- Testing one, two, three?

What?

No, this isn't the phone man.

Hello?

Hello, hello?

It's dead.

If this isn't the
most frustrating...

- What's the matter?

- The phone doesn't work.

- When did they put it in?

- What's the difference
when they put it in?

It doesn't work.

- Well, just...

- Now I have to go
downstairs and call them.

- Why don't we call them
while we're having lunch?

- All right, come
on, let's have lunch.

- Shall we take Mr. Williams?

- Of course.

(bell ringing)

- What's that?

- The buzzer system.

- The buzzer?

- I'll explain it at lunch.

Who are you?

- The sign painter.

- Oh.

Well, you made a
mistake with my name.

- Where?

- Here.

It's not Mendell, it's Wendell.

- Wendell?

- Yes, as in Wendell Willkie
or Oliver Wendell Holmes.

- I'm sorry.

I'll change it.

- Thank you.

- Thanks for the lunch, boys.

- You're welcome.

Oh, I forgot to call the
telephone company.

You two go on
ahead, I'll be right up.

- Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Haney, I'm just going
to make another phone call.

- That'll be 35 cents.

- What for?

- You have to have a ticket.

- You stamped me.

- Oh, the red stamp.

That's only good
until one o'clock.

- Until one?

- That's when the prices change.

That'll be 35 cents.

Now that cover is
good till five o'clock.

- You miserable...

What the?

- He's back.

- [Oliver] That stupid idiot.

- I guess he saw the sign.

- Did you see this chore?

- Did you see the window?

- You're Oliver Wendell
Willkie Holmes there too.

- I give up.

To try to get something done
in this town is absolutely...

- Mr. Douglas, why don't you
take the rest of the day off?

I'll take care of the office,
get the sign changed.

- Maybe I'll do that.

Come on, Lisa.

- Shouldn't I stay here
and clang the clients

when they come in?

- We may not get
any clients for months.

- Months, think
it'll take that long?

- It usually does until
people get to know

that we've opened a practice.

- Couldn't I stand downstairs
and give out circulars?

- No you can't.

Just be patient, Brian.

Come on, sweetheart.

See you tomorrow.

- Hello there Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello, Mrs.
Holmes, Mr. Holmes.

- Holmes?

- I saw your name on the
window of your law office.

Oliver Wendell Willkie Holmes.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Gotta know why you
changed your name.

I kind of liked Oliver
Mendell Douglas.

- I'm glad.

- How's business, counselor?

Business counselor?

I thought you were a lawyer.

- He is.

Although he hasn't
any clients yet.

Say, Mr. Kimball.

- All right, Mr. Kimball.

Anything else you
want me to say?

- Oh, for the love of...

- Oh, for the love
of... Anything else?

- Forget it.

- Forget it.

- Look.
- Look.

- I just wanted to ask you
if your boss needs a lawyer.

- Lisa, will you stop trying
to drum up business?

- You wouldn't let me
hand out the circulars.

I have to do
something to get clients.

- Say, I got a great idea.

- All right, I've
got a great idea.

- Will you two...
- What's your idea?

- Idea?

Oh, yes.

- What is it?

- What's what?

- Your idea.

- Oh, you'll love it.

- I might if I ever hear it.

- Oh, well, what you
should do is advertise.

Go on TV and do what
those used car salesmen do.

Pound on the fender.

Only you pound on the
desk and you talk about

how a new line of
laws just came in

and you're overstocked
with last year's laws

and you'll undersell
any other lawyer in town.

- Hey, that's a great idea.

- That's a great idea.

- Don't you know an
attorney is not allowed

to advertise on TV?

- Why not?

- It's unethical.

- In that case, I'll
be running along.

I just dropped by
to wish you luck

and tell you that I called
the secretary of agriculture

and told him that
you're giving up farming

and going back
into law practice.

- I'm not giving up farming.

- You're not?

Gee, then I better call
him back and tell him.

He still might have
time to call off the party.

- [Lisa] Oliver, look, they
changed your name on the window.

- Oh, that's better.

- I wonder if Brian had
the phone fixed too.

- Yes, they put in
a new instrument.

- Fine.

- I took the liberty of having

Mrs. Douglas's clanger removed.

- She looks much
better without it.

- Our stationery arrived.
- Good.

- Then we're all set.

Let's go to work.

- Doing what?

- Law business.

- We gotta get a client first.

- What do we do
in the mean time?

- Wait.

- Okay.

I'm waiting.

Now what?

- I'm gonna catch up on some
back issues of the law journal.

- And I've got some
cases I want to bone up on.

- Has anybody got any
dictatorship they want to give me?

- No, ma'am.

- Anybody have any
typing they want me to do?

- No.

- Anybody want me
to call their bookie?

- Lisa, can't you find
something quiet to do?

- How about if I make a
going into business sale sign

and hang it out the window?

- Why don't you read?

- I haven't got anything.

- Then go buy
yourself a magazine.

- Okay.

If the phone rings, you
know how to answer it.

You pick it up and you say,

"This is the law office of..."

- We know, get your magazine.

Brian, my wife means well.

- I don't mind.

- We'll ease her out as
soon as we can afford

a real secretary.

- Drucker?

- I'm back here in the
print shop, Mrs. Douglas.

Come on back.

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.
- Hello.

- May I use your telephone?

- Help yourself.
- Thank you.

Hello, hello, Sarah?

This is Mrs. Douglas.

Would you please ring my
husband's law offices for me?

Thank you.

What are you doing?

- I'm setting type
for tomorrow's edition

of the World Guardian.

- Sarah, are you ringing them?

- Hello?

- I knew you didn't
know how to answer.

You're supposed to say,
"These are the law offices of..."

- Oh, for... It's our secretary.

- Is a client coming yet?

- No, no.

Look, will you just
leave us alone please?

- How are they doing?

- Not very good.

- Neither am I.

I have to put my own
ad in my own paper

for my own store
to drum up business.

I'm giving away free
balloons to the kiddies,

free can of peas to the first
customer, trading stamps.

- Do you think it'll work?

- It usually does.

- Trying to sneak off
to the office without me?

Lisa, there's no point in
your sitting there all day

with nothing to do.

- I have a feeling it's
going to be a very busy day.

- I was here first.

- You were not.

I was here first.

And he was second.

- That's not the truth.

- Don't you argue with me.

- Mr. Douglas,
these clients want...

- Clients?

- I told you it was
going to be a busy day.

- Folks, this is my
partner, Mr. Douglas.

- How do you do?

Are you all together?

- I've come for the
free divorce case.

And the clock radio.

- And I came for
the $2 will special.

- Huh?

- He wants the trading
stamps and a balloon for his kid.

- Do you know what
they're talking about?

- No sir.

- Your ad on the back
page of the World Guardian.

- Opening law sale,
Douglas and Williams,

your friendly credit lawyers.

Free law cases to the
first five customers?

- $5 will special, today $2.

Free trading stamps,
balloons and clock radios

with all cases.

- Mr. Drucker will
bill us for the ad.

- I told you, attorneys are
not allowed to advertise.

- You said only not on TV.

- Anywhere.

- Can I have my clock radio now?

You can mail me
the divorce case.

- I'm sorry, this is a mistake.

- But the ad in
the paper said...

- It was all a mistake.

No no, you have to leave.

Out, out.

- What did you do that for?

You wanted clients.

(phone ringing)

I'll get it.

- No, never mind.

Hello, Douglas and
Williams, attorney at law.

- Now you're getting the idea.

- Yes.

Yes, this is
Mr. Douglas speaking.

The ad, yeah.

Yes sir.

Yes sir.

Yes sir, goodbye.

Well, we got a real case.

- We have?

- Yep, a real big one.

- Who is it?

- The county bar association.

They saw our ad and
they're bringing us up

on charges for
unethical practices.

- What do we do now?

- Why don't we run an ad for
a going out of business sale?

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.