04x21 - A Hunting We Won't Go

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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04x21 - A Hunting We Won't Go

Post by bunniefuu »

(country music)

♪ Green Acres
is the place to be.

♪ Farm living
is the life for me.

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide.

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside.

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay.

♪ I get allergic smelling hay.

♪ I just adore a penthouse view.

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue.

♪ The chores.

♪ The stores.

♪ Fresh air.

♪ Times Square
♪ You are my wife.

♪ Good bye, city life.

♪ Green Acres we are there.

- And I'm very sad.

Don't eat so fast, you're
going to get heartburn.

- Lisa, did you...

Where did she come from?

- Oh this is my friend Clarissa.

Clarissa, this is my husband.

- How do you do?

(audience laughing)

- She's been coming
here for breakfast

for the past three days.

- I guess in this cold
weather it's kind of hard

for her to find food.

- Oh you don't
know the half of it.

She was telling me
that she has such a...

- She was telling you?

- Well not in the
words of the silly verse.

She paws her foot once
for yes and twice for no.

Isn't that right Clarissa?

That means yes.

- Uh look, may I
ask you a question?

Not you, I'm talking to her.

(audience laughing)

- Oh isn't she beautiful?

You know, she's
much too young looking

to be the mother
of three children.

- She has three children?

- She brought them over
yesterday for breakfast.

Oh they're such nice children;

they have perfect table manners.

- Well I'm glad to know...

- Oh it's a wonderful family.

The only sad part is
that they don't know

what happened to the father.

- They don't?

(audience laughing)

- That means no.

- She doesn't have much
of a vocabulary does she?

- Oliver, what do you
suppose could have happened

to the father?

(g*n booming)

What was that?

- That sounded
like a r*fle sh*t.

- Who is shoosting?

(audience laughing)

- Oh that's probably
Eb practicing up

for the hunting season.

- What is he going to hunt for?

- Well uh...

- Oliver, do you mean
that he would shoo...

Shoost a deer?

(audience laughing)

- Some people uh...
- Would you shoost one?

- Me?

(audience laughing)

What are you talking about?

I don't even have a g*n.

- Oliver.

(g*n booming)

- I better go talk to Eb.

- Eb.

- Dog gone Mr. Douglas,
now you made me miss.

- Look, Eb...
- I had a perfect score.

Two splits, a quart
and a magnesia.

(audience laughing)

- A magnum.

- Oh, well anyway they
all came from that party

you had last New Years.

Boy, that was a real booze-end.

- It wasn't a...
- Watch this.

- That was full.

- It ain't now.

(audience laughing)

- Eb, will ya put that g*n away?

- I gotta get in
some practice before

the deer season
opens next Tuesday.

Jiminy Crock-oh-watts.

It's gonna be the best
season we ever had.

There are millions
of deer around.

- Do you have to talk about it?

- Sure, Hooterville's
got the best hunting

in the whole state.

- Mrs. Douglas
doesn't like the idea

of people hunting.

- What is she gonna
say when she finds out

you and me are
in the Deer Derby?

If we sh**t the
biggest deer, we'll win.

(audience laughing)

- She doesn't have
to know about that.

- What about the g*n you ordered

from Mr. Drucker?

Does Mrs. Douglas
have to know about that?

She...
- Doesn't know about what?

- Mr. Douglas ordered a...
- Quiet

- Oh that's right, you
don't want her to know

about the .30-30.

- Quiet.

- What is a 30-30 quiet?

- I don't know,
it must be a r*fle

with a sil*ncer on it.

(audience laughing)

- Jiminy Crock-oh-watts.

- Oliver, did you order a r*fle?

- Why would I do that?

- So you could
win the Deer Derby.

(audience laughing)

- What's a deer derby?

- He means a beer
derby, don't you Eb?

- Oh, yeah.

You fill up your derby with beer

and then you go hunting.

(audience laughing)

- Of all the...

- Oliver, are you
going to go hunting?

- Paw the ground once for yes,

and twice for no.

(audience laughing)

- Why don't you
go to your chores?

It's more fun standing
here watching you sweat.

(audience laughing)

- Oliver, you haven't
answered my question.

- Oh, what question was that?

- About going hunting.

- Eb, I don't need
any help from you.

- Well you didn't remember
what the question was.

- b*at it.

(audience laughing)

- Well?

- Uh, well I better go
help Eb with the chores.

I'll see you later.

(audience laughing)

♪♪♪

Lisa, you don't have
to come with me.

- What are you trying
to hide from me?

- Nothing.

Why don't you wait in the car?

- It's cold.

Hello there Mr. Drucker.

- Oh hi, I was just
warming my head muff.

(audience laughing)

Seems like the older
I get, the colder I get.

My blood must be getting thin.

- Couldn't you take
something for thin blood?

- Like what?

- Well don't they
have fat blood pills?

(audience laughing)

- No they...
- Oh I used to carry them,

Fanny Farkwar's Fat Blood Pills.

They came in a
heart-shaped green bottle.

Guaranteed to fatten
up the thinnest blood.

- How could they...

- She also had
fat blood thinner.

But she don't make either
one of them anymore.

- I'm glad to hear it.

- She specialized in
cold-weather medicines.

One of the most popular was her

Chill-blain Elixir.

It was 90% alcohol.

Sold a lot of that
during prohibition.

(audience laughing)

- I can well imagine.

Now look
Mr. Drucker, could we...

Fanny also made
a great cough syrup.

If you mixed it with
the Chill-blain elixir,

it made the best
sour-mash bourbon

you ever tasted.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, well...

- A lot of the
fellas used to add

Fanny Farkwar's
nose drops to a pint

of olive oil.

Made a nice thick martini.

(audience laughing)

- That sounds a little...

- It was very big favorite
among deer hunters.

Oh say, that reminds
me Mr. Douglas.

Remember you
ordered that brand new...

- Wait...

- I just wanted you to
know I got your .30-30.

- Later.

- Oliver, you ordered
a g*n, didn't you?

- Oh he sure did...

- She's not talking to you.

(audience laughing)

- You're going to go
hunting aren't you?

- Well...

- Oh he sure is,
he was the first one

to sign up for the Deer Derby.

- No, no.

I signed up for the Beer Derby.

(audience laughing)

- The what?

- The Beer Derby, you know.

Where you fill up
your derby with beer.

And the one who
drinks the most wins.

- No, no, you signed
up for the Deer Derby.

(audience laughing)

- I did huh?

How could I have
made a mistake like that?

- Easy, because you're a fink.

(audience laughing)

- Lisa.

- m*rder*r.

- Look, will ya...
- k*ller.

- Lisa, there's nothing
wrong with hunting.

Tell her Mr. Drucker.

- Oh no no, it's a great sport.

I've been hunting for years.

- Now I know what happened
to Clarissa's husband,

you shoosted him.

(audience laughing)

- Me?

No no, I didn't uh...

- Left her a widow
with three children.

(audience laughing)

- No, no I...

- No wonder your
blood is so thin, it has to

run through such a hard heart.

- Lisa, will you
leave Mr. Drucker...

- You'll get it, and you better

stop the hunting season.

- He can't stop the
hunting season, it's legal.

- Oh yes ma'am, even
the governor comes here

every year to do his hunting.

He'll be here Tuesday
to help open the season.

- And I am going
to be here Tuesday

to help closing it.

- Lisa.

- Dog gone, she
sure is riled up.

- She'll calm down.

- I won't calm down,
I think it's terrible

for a grown man to
shoost such a poor

defenseless animal.

- Lisa, what is this?

- A minks coat.

- No I mean, what
is is mink coat?

- Well it's cheaper than
a saber, and it's more

expensive than a...

- I mean where did it come from?

- Saks Fifth Avenue.

(audience laughing)

- What I meant was,
where do minks come from?

- Other minks.

(audience laughing)

- Oh boy.

- Lisa, at one time
this coat was a bunch of

happy little minks
running around playing,

carefree.

And then one morning you woke up

and you said, "Oliver,
I vant a minks coat."

- I said that at night.

(audience laughing)

- Well what diff...

- I remember we
had a fight and I said,

"Unless you buy me a minks coat,

I'm going to invite
my mother to come

and live with us."

(audience laughing)

- That isn't important,
the point I'm trying

to make is that I
went into the store,

and I said, "I wanna
buy my wife a mink coat."

And somebody had to go
out and sh**t little minks

so they could sew them together

and make this coat for you.

And that makes you an accessory.

- I never got any accessories.

(audience laughing)

- Look, if it's alright
to sh**t a mink

for a coat, then
why isn't it alright

to sh**t a deer?

- Do you want my mother
to come and live with us?

- No.

- Then don't let me catch
you shoosting any deer.

(audience laughing)

- Will you just
come along with me?

- Where are we going to go?

- I want you to look
at my tomatoes.

- Why?

- You say deer are beautiful
defenseless animals.

I want to show you the
damage they've done

to my tomato plants.

Look at what your deer did.

Trampled all the plants.

- How do you know
the deer did that?

- Look at the hoof prints.

- Well, how do you
know they're not Eb's?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Eb's hoof prints...

Or his footprints...

That was done by a deer.

- It's cold.

- Here, here.

Look at all the
tomatoes they crushed.

- Mr. Douglas, I uh...

Say, that's pretty clever.

Growing crushed tomatoes.

- Well I didn't...
- A lot of farmers...

Well not a lot of farmers...

Some farmers wait
till they pick them

before they crush them.

(audience laughing)

- These were crushed by deer.

- You trained them to do that?

(audience laughing)

Boy that's a clever
way to save labor cost.

(audience laughing)

Do you mind if I
mention it in my report

to the department?

- Mr. Kimball, did
a deer do that?

- Well it's possible that uh...

What's a deer-do?

(audience laughing)

- Well it's a beautiful
animal with big ears

and sad eyes.

- Oh, the North
American Deer-do.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, they are
very destructive.

They uh...

A deer-do huh?

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Kimball, my
husband said that deers

are very destructive.

- Well, there's a lot
of truth in what he...

Well, not a lot of truth.

But there is a basis...

What did he say again?

(audience laughing)

- I said the deer
do a lot of damage.

- At whom?

(audience laughing)

- Crops, forests, plants.

- Oh yes, deer are the
most destructive of all.

Well not the most destructive.

Well you don't
know the half of it.

- You don't know any of it.

(audience laughing)

- Well I do know that
deer are pretty bad.

They burrow under the ground and

eat the roots off
and... No, that's a mole.

(audience laughing)

No, that's a mole.

(audience laughing)

No, that's a wart.

No, that's a piece
of chicken liver

I had for lunch.

(audience laughing)

- Whether they are
destructive or not,

do you think it's right
to shoost a deer?

- Well there are two
ways of looking at it.

On one hand there's
the moral question.

On the other had

There's still some
chicken liver.

(audience laughing)

Well now that I have
answered your question,

I gotta run back to the office.

I'm expecting a call.

No, I got that before I left.

Or was that yesterday?

Well, it doesn't
make any difference,

my phone's out of order.

(audience laughing)

- Well, are you still
going to go hunting?

- Yeah, as soon as the
hunting season opens.

- Maybe it won't.

(harmonica music)

- [Brian] You want
me to get you what?

- A conjunction.

- A con...

- You know, when
somebody does something,

and you want to stop
it, you conjunct them.

(audience laughing)

- Oh you mean injunct
them; an injunction.

- Alright, if that will do it,

I'll take one of those.

Where do you keep them?

- I don't...

You have to go to
court and get the judge

and get the judge to issue one.

- Let's go.

- Well just a second
Mrs. Douglas,

there are a few things
I have to know first.

- Like what?

- Well for one thing,
who do you want

this injunction issued against?

- Well, my husband,
Mr. Drucker, Eb Dawson...

Do you hunt?

- Yes.

- Put your name down.

(audience laughing)

- What are you trying to stop?

- Deer hunting.

- I don't think it's
possible to get

an injunction for that.

- How long have you
been practicing law?

- Just a little over a month.

- Well, I've been
married to a lawyer

for over ten years.

So I think I know more
about law than you do.

(audience laughing)

- I don't think there's
any legal way to...

- How about illegal?

- I cant advise you
to do anything illegal.

- Well, then what would
you advise me to do?

- Well I'm afraid
I can't help you.

- I should have known
that anybody who's partners

with my husband
is a fellow fink.

(audience laughing)

- I'm not...

Look Mrs. Douglas, there's a law

in the books permitting hunting.

Now if you want
to change that law,

what you should do
is get a petition signed

by enough people
who agree with you,

and present it to
your state senator.

- Will that work?

- I don't know.

- Well if it doesn't,
don't send me a bill.

(audience laughing)

- Oh hello Brian.

- Mr. Douglas, I
thought I'd better tell you,

your wife was just in to see me.

- What about?

- She wanted me to
get her an injunction

to stop the hunting season.

- Oh boy.

(audience laughing)

- I advised her to
get up a petition,

present it to our state senator.

I hope I did the right thing.

- Oh fine, yeah.

It will keep her
out of mischief.

She'll be lucky if she
gets one signature.

(pig snorts)

- Hello there Arnold,
is your father home?

(pig snorts)

- Would you tell him I'm here?

(pig snorts)

- No, Arnold I've told
you I don't wanna buy no...

Oh it's you Mrs. Douglas.

Arnold said it was
the fertilizer salesman.

(audience laughing)

(pig snorts)

A fine sense of humor you got.

(audience laughing)


Would you come in?

- No no no, thank
you Mr. Ziffel.

I want you to sign something.

- Sign what?

- I want you to put
your name right here.

- Well I never sign
anything unless I read it.

The last time I did, I
woke up married to Doris.

(audience laughing)

No, this is a
petition to do away

with deer hunting.

- But I don't wanna do
away with deer hunting.

- Oh well Mr. Ziffel,
if you would

only read the reasons.

- Well let's see what they are.

Now what did I do
with my spectacles?

Arnold, will you lend me
your eyeglasses please?

(audience laughing)

- Arnold wears glasses?

- He just ruined his
eyes watching TV.

(audience laughing)

Thank you.

Let's see now.

- There we are.

- You sure got strong glasses.

(audience laughing)

Let's see now what this says.

I think that deer hunting
should be abolished

for the following reasons.

Uh-huh...

Uh-huh...

(audience laughing)

Uh-huh.

Mrs. Douglas, you sure
got powerful reasons.

I'd be glad to sign that. ♪♪♪

- Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there Mr. Haney.

- Dog gone you look
as pretty as a catfish

with it's nose up
against the dam.

(audience laughing)

- Why thank you Mr. Haney,
the reason I came over

is because...

- Is because you heard
about my big spring sale.

- Spring sale?

- Yes ma'am.

All springs are reduced 50%.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Haney, I didn't
come over here

to buy anything.

I want you to sign a petition

to stop deer hunting.

- Mrs. Douglas,
I'd like to oblige,

but deer hunting
happens to be one of my

favorite sports.

- Oh Mr. Haney if
you would just read

the petition, and
you'll see the reasons.

- Well I don't think that I...

- Oh please would
you just read it?

- Alright.

- I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons.

It is bad, it is unnecessary,

it is unfair to the deer,

and it is cruel
to k*ll anything...

Mrs. Douglas, them
is some of the most

convincing reasons
that I have ever read.

I'll be happy to sign it.

(audience laughing)

- Mrs. Douglas, I ain't signing

any petition
against deer hunting.

- Well if you'd
just read it please.

- I'm busy, I've
got a lot to do.

The governor's coming
in and a four o'clock

run to the Cannonball.

- Well a lot of
people signed it.

- They have?

- Yes, it won't
take you a minute,

if you would just
read it please.

- Alright I'll read it,
but I ain't signing it.

I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons...

Oh, I'll sign it.

(audience laughing)

- Eb, have you
seen Mrs. Douglas?

- She went to the station
to meet the governor

and show him her petition.

- How many signatures
does she have, two?

- 300.

- 300?

- When she sets her
mind to doing something,

she does it.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'll be a...

- Don't forget fellas,
you signed the petition.

Now don't change your mind.

- [Crowd] No ma'am.

- Lisa...

- Look who we've got here,
doubting Danny Thomas.

You said I couldn't
get one signature,

I got 300 of them.

- Lisa, there are only 28 people

in the whole valley.

- Well some of them
signed eight times.

(audience laughing)

- See there's the governor.

(audience cheers)

- Well folks, thank
you thank you.

I can't tell you how happy I am

to get away from
all those crackpots

at the state capitol,

and come here to Hooterville

to do some deer hunting.

- Well you can go right
back to the crackpots

because there isn't going to be

any deer hunting here.

- Who said that?

- I did.

I've got a petition here signed

with 300 names
that we don't want

any deer hunting.

Isn't that right fellas?

- [crowd] That's right.

- I thought you fellas wanted...

- May I see that please?

- Yes.

- I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons.

It is bad.

- Well that's childish.

- It is unnecessary.

- That's clever.

- It is cruel to k*ll anything.

And for signing this,
Mr. Douglas agrees

to give me $100.

- Now there's a stu...
(audience laughing)

$100?

- Mr. Douglas don't you realize

that it is illegal to
solicit signatures

by offering money for them?

- Governor I didn't,
it was my wife

who collected the signatures.

- Well if I wasn't
into good humor,

I'd have both of
you thrown in the jail.

- I'd like to see you try it.

- What?

- Lisa, Governor, my
wife is a little upset.

- I'm here for a
little relaxation,

so we'll just forget
this whole incident.

And as governor of this state,

I declare that the
hunting season

will officially open
tomorrow morning

at sunrise.

- You're nothing but a...

(audience laughing)

- Come on Carrie Nation.

- I don't want to go.

- It's the best thing.

- I'm a failure.

- You're not a failure.

- The deer were counting on me

and I let them down.

- You tried.

You didn't use
too much intell...

(audience laughing)

You tried.

- Why are you trying to shove me

off to New York?

- It's for your own good.

If hunting upsets you so much,

it's better if
you're not around.

- You're right.

But there's just one more
thing I could've done...

- Lisa, Lisa.

Take my advice, go.

- If you promise not
to shoost anything.

- I promise.

- Alright then I'll go.

- I'll drive you to the
airport in the morning,

you can catch the first plane.

- Well who's going to
take care of Clarissa?

- Oh I don't think...
- I'll tell you what.

Eb will drive me
and you stay here

and take care of her.

- Well she doesn't need...

- Now one second please.

Clarissa.

Clarissa, clarissa.

Come on darling.

(audience laughing)

You do good girl, come on.

Clarissa come over here sweetie,

such a good girl.

My husband is going
to take care of you

so you won't get shoosted.

Oliver, shouldn't you
hide her under the bed?

- How can I hide...

- And if any of your
friends show up,

you tell them that my
husband is going to

take care of them, right?

(audience laughing)

And another thing...

- Lisa, you'd better get to bed.

The plane leaves very
early in the morning.

(harmonica music)

- I've been waiting all
year for this moment.

- You wont' be
disappointed Governor,

you'd never seen so many deer.

- Governor, are you
sure Mr. Douglas

don't have to pay me that $100?

- Oh for crying out loud Haney...
- Shh.

- That's a beauty, you
get first sh*t Governor.

- Oh thank you, thank you.

- [Lisa] Watch it, he's
going to shoost you.

- Who was that?

- The hunting season has opened.

Everybody run for your life.

(audience laughing)

The hunting season has opened.

Head to the hills.

That's it, keep running.

- Who is that?

Is that that woman...

- Yes Governor, that's
the welcher's wife.

- Call out the National
Guard and have

that plane sh*t down.

- Calm down Governor.

- Oh that blasted woman.

She's ruined the hunting season.

(audience laughing)

- What?

Oh that's impossible
Mr. Drucker,

she's not even in town.

She went to the
airport this morning

and took a plane...
(airplane flying)

Oh no.

Oh she couldn't have
done a thing like that.

- [Lisa] Oliver.

- What the...
- [Lisa] Up here.

- I am not a failure.

Tell Clarissa I warned
all her friends in time.

- Lisa, will you...
(audience laughing)

- We've taken
care of Hootersville,

head for Crepe Corners
and we'll take care

of their deer.

Attention all Crepe
Corners deer,

the hunting season has started.

Run for your life.

- Oh for...

- [Lisa] The hunting
season has opened,

run for your life, run.

(theme song music)

- [Lisa] This has been A
Filmways presentation darling.
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