(country music)
♪ Green Acres
is the place to be.
♪ Farm living
is the life for me.
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide.
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside.
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay.
♪ I get allergic smelling hay.
♪ I just adore a penthouse view.
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue.
♪ The chores.
♪ The stores.
♪ Fresh air.
♪ Times Square
♪ You are my wife.
♪ Good bye, city life.
♪ Green Acres we are there.
- And I'm very sad.
Don't eat so fast, you're
going to get heartburn.
- Lisa, did you...
Where did she come from?
- Oh this is my friend Clarissa.
Clarissa, this is my husband.
- How do you do?
(audience laughing)
- She's been coming
here for breakfast
for the past three days.
- I guess in this cold
weather it's kind of hard
for her to find food.
- Oh you don't
know the half of it.
She was telling me
that she has such a...
- She was telling you?
- Well not in the
words of the silly verse.
She paws her foot once
for yes and twice for no.
Isn't that right Clarissa?
That means yes.
- Uh look, may I
ask you a question?
Not you, I'm talking to her.
(audience laughing)
- Oh isn't she beautiful?
You know, she's
much too young looking
to be the mother
of three children.
- She has three children?
- She brought them over
yesterday for breakfast.
Oh they're such nice children;
they have perfect table manners.
- Well I'm glad to know...
- Oh it's a wonderful family.
The only sad part is
that they don't know
what happened to the father.
- They don't?
(audience laughing)
- That means no.
- She doesn't have much
of a vocabulary does she?
- Oliver, what do you
suppose could have happened
to the father?
(g*n booming)
What was that?
- That sounded
like a r*fle sh*t.
- Who is shoosting?
(audience laughing)
- Oh that's probably
Eb practicing up
for the hunting season.
- What is he going to hunt for?
- Well uh...
- Oliver, do you mean
that he would shoo...
Shoost a deer?
(audience laughing)
- Some people uh...
- Would you shoost one?
- Me?
(audience laughing)
What are you talking about?
I don't even have a g*n.
- Oliver.
(g*n booming)
- I better go talk to Eb.
- Eb.
- Dog gone Mr. Douglas,
now you made me miss.
- Look, Eb...
- I had a perfect score.
Two splits, a quart
and a magnesia.
(audience laughing)
- A magnum.
- Oh, well anyway they
all came from that party
you had last New Years.
Boy, that was a real booze-end.
- It wasn't a...
- Watch this.
- That was full.
- It ain't now.
(audience laughing)
- Eb, will ya put that g*n away?
- I gotta get in
some practice before
the deer season
opens next Tuesday.
Jiminy Crock-oh-watts.
It's gonna be the best
season we ever had.
There are millions
of deer around.
- Do you have to talk about it?
- Sure, Hooterville's
got the best hunting
in the whole state.
- Mrs. Douglas
doesn't like the idea
of people hunting.
- What is she gonna
say when she finds out
you and me are
in the Deer Derby?
If we sh**t the
biggest deer, we'll win.
(audience laughing)
- She doesn't have
to know about that.
- What about the g*n you ordered
from Mr. Drucker?
Does Mrs. Douglas
have to know about that?
She...
- Doesn't know about what?
- Mr. Douglas ordered a...
- Quiet
- Oh that's right, you
don't want her to know
about the .30-30.
- Quiet.
- What is a 30-30 quiet?
- I don't know,
it must be a r*fle
with a sil*ncer on it.
(audience laughing)
- Jiminy Crock-oh-watts.
- Oliver, did you order a r*fle?
- Why would I do that?
- So you could
win the Deer Derby.
(audience laughing)
- What's a deer derby?
- He means a beer
derby, don't you Eb?
- Oh, yeah.
You fill up your derby with beer
and then you go hunting.
(audience laughing)
- Of all the...
- Oliver, are you
going to go hunting?
- Paw the ground once for yes,
and twice for no.
(audience laughing)
- Why don't you
go to your chores?
It's more fun standing
here watching you sweat.
(audience laughing)
- Oliver, you haven't
answered my question.
- Oh, what question was that?
- About going hunting.
- Eb, I don't need
any help from you.
- Well you didn't remember
what the question was.
- b*at it.
(audience laughing)
- Well?
- Uh, well I better go
help Eb with the chores.
I'll see you later.
(audience laughing)
♪♪♪
Lisa, you don't have
to come with me.
- What are you trying
to hide from me?
- Nothing.
Why don't you wait in the car?
- It's cold.
Hello there Mr. Drucker.
- Oh hi, I was just
warming my head muff.
(audience laughing)
Seems like the older
I get, the colder I get.
My blood must be getting thin.
- Couldn't you take
something for thin blood?
- Like what?
- Well don't they
have fat blood pills?
(audience laughing)
- No they...
- Oh I used to carry them,
Fanny Farkwar's Fat Blood Pills.
They came in a
heart-shaped green bottle.
Guaranteed to fatten
up the thinnest blood.
- How could they...
- She also had
fat blood thinner.
But she don't make either
one of them anymore.
- I'm glad to hear it.
- She specialized in
cold-weather medicines.
One of the most popular was her
Chill-blain Elixir.
It was 90% alcohol.
Sold a lot of that
during prohibition.
(audience laughing)
- I can well imagine.
Now look
Mr. Drucker, could we...
Fanny also made
a great cough syrup.
If you mixed it with
the Chill-blain elixir,
it made the best
sour-mash bourbon
you ever tasted.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, well...
- A lot of the
fellas used to add
Fanny Farkwar's
nose drops to a pint
of olive oil.
Made a nice thick martini.
(audience laughing)
- That sounds a little...
- It was very big favorite
among deer hunters.
Oh say, that reminds
me Mr. Douglas.
Remember you
ordered that brand new...
- Wait...
- I just wanted you to
know I got your .30-30.
- Later.
- Oliver, you ordered
a g*n, didn't you?
- Oh he sure did...
- She's not talking to you.
(audience laughing)
- You're going to go
hunting aren't you?
- Well...
- Oh he sure is,
he was the first one
to sign up for the Deer Derby.
- No, no.
I signed up for the Beer Derby.
(audience laughing)
- The what?
- The Beer Derby, you know.
Where you fill up
your derby with beer.
And the one who
drinks the most wins.
- No, no, you signed
up for the Deer Derby.
(audience laughing)
- I did huh?
How could I have
made a mistake like that?
- Easy, because you're a fink.
(audience laughing)
- Lisa.
- m*rder*r.
- Look, will ya...
- k*ller.
- Lisa, there's nothing
wrong with hunting.
Tell her Mr. Drucker.
- Oh no no, it's a great sport.
I've been hunting for years.
- Now I know what happened
to Clarissa's husband,
you shoosted him.
(audience laughing)
- Me?
No no, I didn't uh...
- Left her a widow
with three children.
(audience laughing)
- No, no I...
- No wonder your
blood is so thin, it has to
run through such a hard heart.
- Lisa, will you
leave Mr. Drucker...
- You'll get it, and you better
stop the hunting season.
- He can't stop the
hunting season, it's legal.
- Oh yes ma'am, even
the governor comes here
every year to do his hunting.
He'll be here Tuesday
to help open the season.
- And I am going
to be here Tuesday
to help closing it.
- Lisa.
- Dog gone, she
sure is riled up.
- She'll calm down.
- I won't calm down,
I think it's terrible
for a grown man to
shoost such a poor
defenseless animal.
- Lisa, what is this?
- A minks coat.
- No I mean, what
is is mink coat?
- Well it's cheaper than
a saber, and it's more
expensive than a...
- I mean where did it come from?
- Saks Fifth Avenue.
(audience laughing)
- What I meant was,
where do minks come from?
- Other minks.
(audience laughing)
- Oh boy.
- Lisa, at one time
this coat was a bunch of
happy little minks
running around playing,
carefree.
And then one morning you woke up
and you said, "Oliver,
I vant a minks coat."
- I said that at night.
(audience laughing)
- Well what diff...
- I remember we
had a fight and I said,
"Unless you buy me a minks coat,
I'm going to invite
my mother to come
and live with us."
(audience laughing)
- That isn't important,
the point I'm trying
to make is that I
went into the store,
and I said, "I wanna
buy my wife a mink coat."
And somebody had to go
out and sh**t little minks
so they could sew them together
and make this coat for you.
And that makes you an accessory.
- I never got any accessories.
(audience laughing)
- Look, if it's alright
to sh**t a mink
for a coat, then
why isn't it alright
to sh**t a deer?
- Do you want my mother
to come and live with us?
- No.
- Then don't let me catch
you shoosting any deer.
(audience laughing)
- Will you just
come along with me?
- Where are we going to go?
- I want you to look
at my tomatoes.
- Why?
- You say deer are beautiful
defenseless animals.
I want to show you the
damage they've done
to my tomato plants.
Look at what your deer did.
Trampled all the plants.
- How do you know
the deer did that?
- Look at the hoof prints.
- Well, how do you
know they're not Eb's?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, Eb's hoof prints...
Or his footprints...
That was done by a deer.
- It's cold.
- Here, here.
Look at all the
tomatoes they crushed.
- Mr. Douglas, I uh...
Say, that's pretty clever.
Growing crushed tomatoes.
- Well I didn't...
- A lot of farmers...
Well not a lot of farmers...
Some farmers wait
till they pick them
before they crush them.
(audience laughing)
- These were crushed by deer.
- You trained them to do that?
(audience laughing)
Boy that's a clever
way to save labor cost.
(audience laughing)
Do you mind if I
mention it in my report
to the department?
- Mr. Kimball, did
a deer do that?
- Well it's possible that uh...
What's a deer-do?
(audience laughing)
- Well it's a beautiful
animal with big ears
and sad eyes.
- Oh, the North
American Deer-do.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, they are
very destructive.
They uh...
A deer-do huh?
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Kimball, my
husband said that deers
are very destructive.
- Well, there's a lot
of truth in what he...
Well, not a lot of truth.
But there is a basis...
What did he say again?
(audience laughing)
- I said the deer
do a lot of damage.
- At whom?
(audience laughing)
- Crops, forests, plants.
- Oh yes, deer are the
most destructive of all.
Well not the most destructive.
Well you don't
know the half of it.
- You don't know any of it.
(audience laughing)
- Well I do know that
deer are pretty bad.
They burrow under the ground and
eat the roots off
and... No, that's a mole.
(audience laughing)
No, that's a mole.
(audience laughing)
No, that's a wart.
No, that's a piece
of chicken liver
I had for lunch.
(audience laughing)
- Whether they are
destructive or not,
do you think it's right
to shoost a deer?
- Well there are two
ways of looking at it.
On one hand there's
the moral question.
On the other had
There's still some
chicken liver.
(audience laughing)
Well now that I have
answered your question,
I gotta run back to the office.
I'm expecting a call.
No, I got that before I left.
Or was that yesterday?
Well, it doesn't
make any difference,
my phone's out of order.
(audience laughing)
- Well, are you still
going to go hunting?
- Yeah, as soon as the
hunting season opens.
- Maybe it won't.
(harmonica music)
- [Brian] You want
me to get you what?
- A conjunction.
- A con...
- You know, when
somebody does something,
and you want to stop
it, you conjunct them.
(audience laughing)
- Oh you mean injunct
them; an injunction.
- Alright, if that will do it,
I'll take one of those.
Where do you keep them?
- I don't...
You have to go to
court and get the judge
and get the judge to issue one.
- Let's go.
- Well just a second
Mrs. Douglas,
there are a few things
I have to know first.
- Like what?
- Well for one thing,
who do you want
this injunction issued against?
- Well, my husband,
Mr. Drucker, Eb Dawson...
Do you hunt?
- Yes.
- Put your name down.
(audience laughing)
- What are you trying to stop?
- Deer hunting.
- I don't think it's
possible to get
an injunction for that.
- How long have you
been practicing law?
- Just a little over a month.
- Well, I've been
married to a lawyer
for over ten years.
So I think I know more
about law than you do.
(audience laughing)
- I don't think there's
any legal way to...
- How about illegal?
- I cant advise you
to do anything illegal.
- Well, then what would
you advise me to do?
- Well I'm afraid
I can't help you.
- I should have known
that anybody who's partners
with my husband
is a fellow fink.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not...
Look Mrs. Douglas, there's a law
in the books permitting hunting.
Now if you want
to change that law,
what you should do
is get a petition signed
by enough people
who agree with you,
and present it to
your state senator.
- Will that work?
- I don't know.
- Well if it doesn't,
don't send me a bill.
(audience laughing)
- Oh hello Brian.
- Mr. Douglas, I
thought I'd better tell you,
your wife was just in to see me.
- What about?
- She wanted me to
get her an injunction
to stop the hunting season.
- Oh boy.
(audience laughing)
- I advised her to
get up a petition,
present it to our state senator.
I hope I did the right thing.
- Oh fine, yeah.
It will keep her
out of mischief.
She'll be lucky if she
gets one signature.
(pig snorts)
- Hello there Arnold,
is your father home?
(pig snorts)
- Would you tell him I'm here?
(pig snorts)
- No, Arnold I've told
you I don't wanna buy no...
Oh it's you Mrs. Douglas.
Arnold said it was
the fertilizer salesman.
(audience laughing)
(pig snorts)
A fine sense of humor you got.
(audience laughing)
Would you come in?
- No no no, thank
you Mr. Ziffel.
I want you to sign something.
- Sign what?
- I want you to put
your name right here.
- Well I never sign
anything unless I read it.
The last time I did, I
woke up married to Doris.
(audience laughing)
No, this is a
petition to do away
with deer hunting.
- But I don't wanna do
away with deer hunting.
- Oh well Mr. Ziffel,
if you would
only read the reasons.
- Well let's see what they are.
Now what did I do
with my spectacles?
Arnold, will you lend me
your eyeglasses please?
(audience laughing)
- Arnold wears glasses?
- He just ruined his
eyes watching TV.
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
Let's see now.
- There we are.
- You sure got strong glasses.
(audience laughing)
Let's see now what this says.
I think that deer hunting
should be abolished
for the following reasons.
Uh-huh...
Uh-huh...
(audience laughing)
Uh-huh.
Mrs. Douglas, you sure
got powerful reasons.
I'd be glad to sign that. ♪♪♪
- Mrs. Douglas.
- Oh hello there Mr. Haney.
- Dog gone you look
as pretty as a catfish
with it's nose up
against the dam.
(audience laughing)
- Why thank you Mr. Haney,
the reason I came over
is because...
- Is because you heard
about my big spring sale.
- Spring sale?
- Yes ma'am.
All springs are reduced 50%.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Haney, I didn't
come over here
to buy anything.
I want you to sign a petition
to stop deer hunting.
- Mrs. Douglas,
I'd like to oblige,
but deer hunting
happens to be one of my
favorite sports.
- Oh Mr. Haney if
you would just read
the petition, and
you'll see the reasons.
- Well I don't think that I...
- Oh please would
you just read it?
- Alright.
- I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished
for the following reasons.
It is bad, it is unnecessary,
it is unfair to the deer,
and it is cruel
to k*ll anything...
Mrs. Douglas, them
is some of the most
convincing reasons
that I have ever read.
I'll be happy to sign it.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Douglas, I ain't signing
any petition
against deer hunting.
- Well if you'd
just read it please.
- I'm busy, I've
got a lot to do.
The governor's coming
in and a four o'clock
run to the Cannonball.
- Well a lot of
people signed it.
- They have?
- Yes, it won't
take you a minute,
if you would just
read it please.
- Alright I'll read it,
but I ain't signing it.
I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished
for the following reasons...
Oh, I'll sign it.
(audience laughing)
- Eb, have you
seen Mrs. Douglas?
- She went to the station
to meet the governor
and show him her petition.
- How many signatures
does she have, two?
- 300.
- 300?
- When she sets her
mind to doing something,
she does it.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'll be a...
- Don't forget fellas,
you signed the petition.
Now don't change your mind.
- [Crowd] No ma'am.
- Lisa...
- Look who we've got here,
doubting Danny Thomas.
You said I couldn't
get one signature,
I got 300 of them.
- Lisa, there are only 28 people
in the whole valley.
- Well some of them
signed eight times.
(audience laughing)
- See there's the governor.
(audience cheers)
- Well folks, thank
you thank you.
I can't tell you how happy I am
to get away from
all those crackpots
at the state capitol,
and come here to Hooterville
to do some deer hunting.
- Well you can go right
back to the crackpots
because there isn't going to be
any deer hunting here.
- Who said that?
- I did.
I've got a petition here signed
with 300 names
that we don't want
any deer hunting.
Isn't that right fellas?
- [crowd] That's right.
- I thought you fellas wanted...
- May I see that please?
- Yes.
- I believe that deer
hunting should be abolished
for the following reasons.
It is bad.
- Well that's childish.
- It is unnecessary.
- That's clever.
- It is cruel to k*ll anything.
And for signing this,
Mr. Douglas agrees
to give me $100.
- Now there's a stu...
(audience laughing)
$100?
- Mr. Douglas don't you realize
that it is illegal to
solicit signatures
by offering money for them?
- Governor I didn't,
it was my wife
who collected the signatures.
- Well if I wasn't
into good humor,
I'd have both of
you thrown in the jail.
- I'd like to see you try it.
- What?
- Lisa, Governor, my
wife is a little upset.
- I'm here for a
little relaxation,
so we'll just forget
this whole incident.
And as governor of this state,
I declare that the
hunting season
will officially open
tomorrow morning
at sunrise.
- You're nothing but a...
(audience laughing)
- Come on Carrie Nation.
- I don't want to go.
- It's the best thing.
- I'm a failure.
- You're not a failure.
- The deer were counting on me
and I let them down.
- You tried.
You didn't use
too much intell...
(audience laughing)
You tried.
- Why are you trying to shove me
off to New York?
- It's for your own good.
If hunting upsets you so much,
it's better if
you're not around.
- You're right.
But there's just one more
thing I could've done...
- Lisa, Lisa.
Take my advice, go.
- If you promise not
to shoost anything.
- I promise.
- Alright then I'll go.
- I'll drive you to the
airport in the morning,
you can catch the first plane.
- Well who's going to
take care of Clarissa?
- Oh I don't think...
- I'll tell you what.
Eb will drive me
and you stay here
and take care of her.
- Well she doesn't need...
- Now one second please.
Clarissa.
Clarissa, clarissa.
Come on darling.
(audience laughing)
You do good girl, come on.
Clarissa come over here sweetie,
such a good girl.
My husband is going
to take care of you
so you won't get shoosted.
Oliver, shouldn't you
hide her under the bed?
- How can I hide...
- And if any of your
friends show up,
you tell them that my
husband is going to
take care of them, right?
(audience laughing)
And another thing...
- Lisa, you'd better get to bed.
The plane leaves very
early in the morning.
(harmonica music)
- I've been waiting all
year for this moment.
- You wont' be
disappointed Governor,
you'd never seen so many deer.
- Governor, are you
sure Mr. Douglas
don't have to pay me that $100?
- Oh for crying out loud Haney...
- Shh.
- That's a beauty, you
get first sh*t Governor.
- Oh thank you, thank you.
- [Lisa] Watch it, he's
going to shoost you.
- Who was that?
- The hunting season has opened.
Everybody run for your life.
(audience laughing)
The hunting season has opened.
Head to the hills.
That's it, keep running.
- Who is that?
Is that that woman...
- Yes Governor, that's
the welcher's wife.
- Call out the National
Guard and have
that plane sh*t down.
- Calm down Governor.
- Oh that blasted woman.
She's ruined the hunting season.
(audience laughing)
- What?
Oh that's impossible
Mr. Drucker,
she's not even in town.
She went to the
airport this morning
and took a plane...
(airplane flying)
Oh no.
Oh she couldn't have
done a thing like that.
- [Lisa] Oliver.
- What the...
- [Lisa] Up here.
- I am not a failure.
Tell Clarissa I warned
all her friends in time.
- Lisa, will you...
(audience laughing)
- We've taken
care of Hootersville,
head for Crepe Corners
and we'll take care
of their deer.
Attention all Crepe
Corners deer,
the hunting season has started.
Run for your life.
- Oh for...
- [Lisa] The hunting
season has opened,
run for your life, run.
(theme song music)
- [Lisa] This has been A
Filmways presentation darling.
04x21 - A Hunting We Won't Go
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.