04x22 - Oh, Promise Me

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Post Reply

04x22 - Oh, Promise Me

Post by bunniefuu »

(country theme song)

(rooster call)

- Good morning, sweetheart.

- Oh, it's you.

- Who were you expecting?

- I was dreaming about.

- Who?

- Oh, big movie star like
that wouldn't want her name

bandied about in
a strange bedroom.

- I remember when you
used to dream about me.

- I was just teasing you.

Come here.

- Oliver, do you love me?

- Mm Hmm.

- That's good
because I love you.

You know, Oliver, we have
an anniversary coming up soon.

- I knew you were
leading up to something.

You want a present, huh?

- Mm Hmm.

- What?

- Well, I've been
thinking of all the

anniversary presents
you could give me,

there is one thing I would
like to have the most.

- What's that?

- I want to get married.

- Oh, Lisa.

Are you going to go
over all that again?

- Well, you promised.

- Lisa, we are married.

- Not the way I want to be.

- I don't know how we
could be any more married

than we are now.

- Well, we are just
city hall married.

I want to be
married in a church.

Me in a bridal gown
and you in a frog coat.

- I don't look
good in a frog coat.

I haven't got the legs for it.

- Oliver you'd make me
so happy if you could.

- Lisa, isn't it a little
silly to go through all that

after we've been
married for 11 years?

- Ten.

- Eleven.

- Ten.

- Eleven.

- Well, that should
be easy to settle.

Where is our marriage license?

- I haven't got it.

I never even saw it.

- You did too.

Remember you
signed it right in front

of the mayor of Budapest.

It had a big red seal.

- Oh, that.

Oh, you're mother grabbed
that right after the ceremony

and stuck it in her
safe deposit box.

Along with the prenuptial
agreement she made me sign.

- Well, I'll write to her and
I'll make her send it to us

and then you'll see.

- Now, when I tell you,
turn the ignition key.

- You mean like this?

- Lisa, I didn't want you
to turn the key til I told you.

- Well, I'm sorry, Oliver.

- Well, every time
I leave the farm

you two get into
some kind of mischief.

- Where have you been?

- I went into Druckers
and got the mail.

- Oh, well let's have it.

- Okay, this one's for ya

but I don't think
you'll want it.

Oh, here's one for ya.

I don't think you'll
want that one either.

Or that.

- Will you stop
censoring my mail.

- They're bills and I
know what a foul mood

they always put you in.

- You're absolutely right.

- It's better to
censor your mail

than it is to have to
censor your language.

- You're absolutely right.

- Lisa, I don't need you
telling him that he's right.

- You're absolutely right.

- May I have my mail, please.

- Oh, here's one for
you Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh. Oh, it's from my mother.

- Golly, keddle fingers.

What does grandma say?

- She's not your grandmother.

- Fine thing, denying your
own son a grandmother.

- You're not my.

Look Eb, go on do your chores.

- Whatever you say, dad.

- [Oliver] Out.

- Oliver, look at the license.

Well, Mr. Smarty,
look at the date.

We're married 10 years.

- Oh, well, I
guess you're right.

- Isn't this beautiful?

Look at the seal
and the fancy printing.

- What does it say?

- Read it.

- I can't read Hungarian.

- I translate it for you.

This is to certify
that Lisa Gronyitz,

that was my maiden name.

- I know.

- And Oliver Wendell
Douglas are hereby, uh oh.

- What's the matter?

- There's a mistake.

- Mistake?

- Yes, it says
that Lisa Gronyitz

and Oliver Wendell
Douglas are licensed

to practice dentistry.

- Fine.

- That's what it says.

- Oh, how could it?

It's a marriage license.

- It doesn't say
anything about marriage.

- Well, that's it.

- [Lisa] Do you know
what this means?

We're not man and wife.

We're two dentists together.

- Oh, come on.

- Well, that's what we are.

- Lisa, you sure you
translated it correctly?

- Look, right here, fogorvos,

that means dentist in Hungarian.

- I don't believe it.

- Well, we can
fix it real simply.

On our 10th anniversary,
we can go to church

with a minister
and the bridal gown

and the rice and
have it made official.

- I'm beginning to understand.

This all leads up to
a church wedding.

- Well, that would be very nice.

- You sure that says dentist?

- Mm Hmm.

- Then we're not married.

- Not according to this.

- Oh, how about that?

I've had quite a day.

I've become a
dentist and a bachelor.

(whistles a tune)

- What are you doing?

- Packing your clothes.

- Hey, that's not
way to pack an,

what are you packing
my clothes for?

- You're moving out.

- Moving out?

- Well, you don't expect me
to live under the same roof

as a single fellow?

- Lisa, we're married.

- Not according to this.

You're just a friendly
dentist I was living with.

- Lisa.

- Well, you can
move right back in

as soon as we have
the church wedding.

- I am not moving out.

- Well. Then I will have to.

- It's not necessary.

- What kind of a dentist
do you think I am?

- You're not a dentist.

- According to
this, we both are.

- Lisa, come over here.

I want you to sit down now.

- Alright.

- I want to talk to you.

I want you to think
back 11 years ago

to that day we were married.

- Ten.

- Alright, ten.

- Well, that's what this.

- Forget that.

Lisa, it's 10 years ago.

It's 12 o'clock when we
walked into marriage office

in Budapest.

You remember the mayor?

Big, bushy mustache
and a sash across.

- And he had wooden shoes.

- He didn't have wooden shoes.

- Oh, that's right.
That was my uncle.

- Your uncle?

- What was his name again?

- I don't know.

What I want you to remember

is we stood in front of
the mayor's desk there

and he said some
words to us in Hungarian.

Now do you remember
what he said?

- No, I didn't listen.

I was so in love with you

that everything just
flew out of my mind.

- Well I heard what he said.

- What did he say?

- I don't know, I don't
understand Hungarian.

But you do.

Now, what do you think he said?

- Well, he probably
was giving us advice

on how to fill tooth.

- Alright, at the conclusion
of the tooth filling ceremony,

I put a ring on your finger,

I kissed you and we
went up to that inn

in the Bavarian Alps
for our honeymoon.

- I'm blushing.

- Lisa.

- You're a cad for
even bringing it up.

- Look, Lisa.

- How many suits do you want
me to pack until the wedding?

- There's not going
to be a wedding.

- Oliver.

- It's one thing to ask
me to do something

and another to try
and con me into it.

- What are you
going to do with that?

- I'm going to have it framed

and hang it on the wall

when I open my dentist's office.

- Professor Rockwall?

- Yes.

- My name is Douglas.

I wonder if I might
ask a favor of you.

- Sure, sit down.

- Thank you.

I'd like to get this translated.

It's in Hungarian.

Now, you read Hungarian?

- Yes. Are you the
Oliver Wendell Douglas

that's mentioned here?

- That's right.

- And you want me to
read this to you, Doctor?

- Yes. Doctor?

- Well this is a license

certifying that you and
somebody named Lisa Gronyitz

are licensed to
practice dentistry.

- It's not a marriage license?

- Why would they give a
dentist a marriage license?

- Yeah, well.

- Say, I've been looking
for a good dentist.

Where do you practice, doctor?

- Oh, I.

- I got a molar here.

- No, I don't have.

- I'd like to make an
appointment with you.

- Yes, thank you.

I'm all booked up.

Thank you. Bye.

Lisa.

- Shh.

- Where's Mrs. Douglas?

- Who?

- Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh, you mean the lady dentist.

- Look, Eb.

- Dr. Gronyitz is gone.

- Gone?

- Yeah, she packed up her drill

and her laughing gas and left.

- Where'd she go?

- I'll tell ya as soon
as the movie's over.

- The movie's over.

Now, where'd she go?

- She moved out.

- Why?

- There's certain moral
codes set by society,

which you choose to ignore.

- Where did she go?

- She moved in
with Alf and Ralph.

- I don't blame you
for moving out on him.

The things men
try to get away with.

Slipping you a phony
marriage license.

- No, it wasn't his fault.

It was the mayor
that married us.

- Oh, he slipped you
a phony mayor too.

- No, you see.

- It doesn't matter, you can
stay as long as you want.

- Are you sure it's no trouble?

- It's no trouble at all.

- Yes, it is.

- Alf.

- Why don't you
give her your room?

- Because your room is
closer to the bathroom.

- It's not closer,
it is the bathroom.

- Just get your
stuff out of there.

- Want to help me
carry out the bathtub?

- Well, I'm only going
to stay til the wedding.

- When are you and the other
dentist gonna get married?

- On our anniversary.

- Think he'll really
go through with it?

- Why shouldn't he?

- Well, you know how men are.

Once they get off the hook,

they swim upstream after
the first salmon they see.

- I don't think
Oliver would do that.

He doesn't like fish.

- Are you gonna invite us to
the wedding, Mrs Douglas?

- Dr. Gronyitz.

- Sorry, Doc.

- Of course, you both invited.

- I hope someday I can
invite you to my wedding.

- Dreamer.

- I'm gonna belt
you in the beezer.

- She'll get married as soon
as the right man comes along.

- The right man for
her is a nearsighted guy

with broken eyeglasses.

- Out. Men are all alike.

They're beasts.

- Well, Oliver isn't.

- Excuse me.

Oh, if it isn't Ted
the tooth puller.

What do you want?

- Is my wife here, Ralph?

- There's nobody's wife here.

Just me and Alf
and Dr. Gronyitz.

- Ralph. Ralph.

I'm in no mood.

Oh, hi.

- Oliver, Oliver.

- None of that.

- Look here, Ralph.

- If you want to see the doctor,
you make an appointment.

- Will you leave us alone?

You were right, I
had this translated.

It is a dentist license.

- As if you didn't know.

- Then we are going to
have a church wedding.

- Yes.

- Dr. Douglas, I presume?

- Come on, Lisa,
we're going home.

- Good.

- Just a minute, she
can't go home with you

until after the wedding.

- She's coming home with me now.

- Good.

- Just a minute.

- Will you make up your mind?

This stuff is heavy.

- Do you want to get married?

- I sure do.

- Not you.

- You know I want
to get married.

- Well then come
on, we got a lot to do.

We've got to get a license,

we've got to get a minister,

we gotta get a church.

- Then we are engaged?

- Yes.

- Well, where is my
engagement ring?

- I gave you one.

- Well, that was for
becoming a dentist.

- Come on.

- Yessir, I issue
marriage licenses.

- Good. Now.

- So Eb's finally
gonna get married.

- No, we are.

- Oh, well that's. What?

- You see.

- I thought you were married.

- Not legally.

- Oh, well, uh.

- It's a little
complicated, Mr. Drucker.

You see, we were
married in Budapest

and we just found
out that instead of

issuing us a marriage license,

they gave us a license
to practice dentistry.

- I never heard of such a thing.

- It happens all
the time in Hungary.

My aunt and uncle
were married for 20 years

before they found out
they were shopopertists.

- Oh, Hungary
is full of happily,

unmarried professional people.


- Well, I don't understand
how such a thing could happen.

Just fill out these
applications.

Just fill out your
name and address.

- Do I have to fill
out this question?

Have you ever had a
hunting license revoked?

- Hunting?

Doggone, I got the
wrong application.

- Oliver, are you trying to
pull the same trick twice?

- I didn't have.

- Here you are.

- You sure these
are the right ones?

- Yeah, it says right there,

application for
marriage license.

- Oliver, where it says
here, maiden name,

do I put down Mrs.
Douglas or Dr. Gronyitz?

- Gronyitz.

- How do you spell it?

- Just answer the question.

- Oliver, what about this
one where it says age.

Do I fill out my age now
or when we were married

11 years ago?

- Ten. Put down your age now.

- Oh, could I have a pen?

Thank you. 25.

- You were only 15 when
you first got married?

- Yes, I was a
Hungarian child bride.

- Oh, brother.

- Well, as justice of the peace,

I can perform the
ceremony for ya.

- We'd like to but you see
we going to get married

in church.

- Oh.

- By the way, what's
the name of the minister?

- Reverend Clements. I'd
be glad to give him a call

and ask him to
drop by to see you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Hello there, Mr. Haney.

- Howdy, I, oh how
do you do, Reverend?

- Mr. Haney, I hardly
recognized you.

I haven't seen you in
church in a long time.

- Well I, it's my
Sunday rheumatism.

- Maybe you could
arrange to get it on Saturday.

- I'll try.

- Good day.

- Goodbye.

Well, what can we
do for you, Mr. Haney.

- I just drop by to
congratulate one of the nicest

married couples I know
on their engagement.

- How did you
find out about that?

- It's my job as social
correspondent for the

Stank Well Falls Gazette.

- Oh, yes, well we.

- Do you mind if I interview
the bride for my paper?

- What do you want to know?

- Oh, just some
little chatty items like

what kind of silver
do you expect to get

for wedding presents?

- We're not expecting any.

- You're not?

Well then perhaps I can
help you with your problem.

- We didn't have a
problem til you showed up.

- Oh, that's clever.

I'll quote that in my article.

Now, about the silver.

To make it easy on your friends,

it's customary for
the impending bride

to register the
pattern she prefers

with an authorized
silver dealer.

- Look Oliver, he's authorized.

- He's not authorized.

- Now if you'll just
step around here,

I'll show you the
authorized patterns.

Ain't that a
beautiful selection?

Just feel the weight of that.

- US Navy?

- Oh, I'm sorry,

I'm only allowed to
sell that to rear admirals.

- What is that one?

- Oh, you do have
impecorable taste.

That's our Claudio
Gruber pattern.

- Claudia

- Designed by Claudio Gruber
who designed all the silverware

for his majesty
Queen Louie the Third.

- Queen Louie?

- His mother wasn't
very sex conscious.

- Mr. Haney, we don't.

- Oliver, Oliver,
that one is pretty.

- As a dentist, you should
really appreciate that silver.

You can use it to eat with

or you can melt it
down and fill teeth with it.

- Mr. Haney, we're not
expecting any presents.

We're just getting married.

- Have you got a flower girl?

- No.

- Lisa.

- You don't have a flower girl?

May I present, Kitty Joy,

Hooterville's only
professional flower girl.

- Oh, for the love of.

- For only $2, Kitty will
proceed you up the aisle

and strew you
right up to the altar.

Now these is rose
petals but for $2 more

you can be strewed
with carnations.

- Look, Mr. Haney.

- She can also act
as a ring bearer.

- No.

- Best man.

- No.

- Do you need a
bartender for the reception?

- Goodbye, Mr. Haney.

- Okay, Kitty.

Let's pick up these rose petals

and use them to
stuff a few sashettes.

- Oliver, I just finished
making out the list

for the wedding invitation.

- Fine.

- Do you think the church
could hold 3,000 people?

- 3,000?

- Well, I'm sure a
few won't show up.

- Let me see that.

- Well, it's not in
alpha or betical order.

- The Duke and Duchess
of Windsor, Sam Drucker.

The Archduke of Austria,
Mr. And Mrs. Ziffel and Arnold.

President De Gaul and Mr. Haney.

Well, so far it's a
well mixed group

but Lisa, I wouldn't
sit Mr. Ziffel next to

President De Gaul,
you know Fred's french

isn't too good.

- Well, I couldn't
put Arnold next to the

Archduke because he
likes to hunt wild boar

and Arnold.

- Lisa, this is just gonna
be a simple wedding.

Now the only people we
should invite are our friends

from Hooterville.

As a matter of fact, wouldn't
it be nice if our friends

like Mr. Drucker,
Mr. Kimball, Newt Kiley,

took part in the wedding
ceremony with us?

One could be the best man,

one could be an usher.

- Ralph could be my bridesmaid.

She needs the practice.

- Then we'll just
invite our friends.

- Ah, you are a
smart man, I love you.

- Well, it's getting late.

Think I'll go to bed.

- Oh, I'll get you a
pillow and a blanket.

- What for?

- Well you're going
to sleep right here.

- What about the bedroom?

- Not until the wedding, Doctor.

- In here folks.

Be careful and
take care of that suit.

I'm only renting it to you.

- Right in there, ma'am.

I sure hope you
enjoy the ceremony,

my mom and dad
are getting married.

- You and your best man will
stand down there, Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Kimball, what are
you so nervous about?

- Gee, I've never
been married before.

- You're not getting married.

- I'm not?

- No.

- Then who is?

- I am.

- Oh, congratulations.

- Have you got the ring?

- Yes, sir. I put it right
here where I wouldn't lose it.

It isn't there.

Wonder where I put it.

- The ring.

- Now I remember.

- Well, take it off the string.

(organ playing wedding march)

- Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here

to join this man and this
woman in holy matrimony.

Now the ring please.

- The ring.

Give me the ring.

- Repeat after me,
with this ring, I thee wed.

- With this ring, I thee wed.

- Place the ring on her finger.

By the power vested in
me, I now pronounce you

man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

- Here Ralph.

- Oliver, thank you
for marrying me.

- My pleasure.

And this time
there's no question,

a bonafide wedding license.

- Before I forget, I got
you a wedding present.

- Oh.

- Oliver, Oliver, there it is.

I hope you like it.

- What the.

- Well, I thought as long as
you got the dentist license,

it shouldn't go to waste.

- It never has.

- [Eva Gabor] This has been a

Filmways Presentation, darling.
Post Reply