04x23 - Eb Uses His Ingenuity

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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04x23 - Eb Uses His Ingenuity

Post by bunniefuu »

(lively music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin', I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(lively music)

- Well, we'll take two tickets.

- Yes, we haven't been to a
dance since we moved here.

- Well, you'll enjoy this.

The Sons of Hooterville
always throw a slam bang bash.

That'll be $4, $2 a ticket.

- That says 75 cents.

- That's the price to Sons.

Outsiders have
to pay full price.

- Why aren't you
a member, Oliver?

- He ain't eligible, to
be a Son of Hooterville

you have to live
here for 25 years,

unless you marry somebody
that's lived here 15 years,

then you only have
to live here 10 years,

unless somebody in
your family is born here,

then you only need five,
or any combination thereof.

- Well, we only lived
here for three years,

so Oliver can't get in.

- He might become
an associate Son.

- How do you do that?

- Well, if you can find
a Son of Hooterville

that's movin' away,
you can buy his years,

but then you'd have
to use his name.

- Who's band is
playing for the dance?

- We were gonna
have Guy Lombardo,

but somebody lost the records.

- You just play records?

- Oh no, we have
live entertainment.

Matter of fact, the
entertainment gets liver

as the punch bowl gets lower.

(laughter)

Next to the
basketball game put on

by the Daughters of Hooterville,

this is our biggest
social event.

(upbeat dance music)

- Oh, do you care to join me?

- I might, if I knew
what you were doing.

- What does it look like?

- It looks like you're
trying to squirm

out of a tight girdle.

(laughter)

- Now, what did you do that for?

I was practicing for the dance.

- You call that dancing?

- That's the way
they dance nowadays.

Do you want to try it with me?

You stand here and
I stand over there.

- On the other side of the room?

- That's the way
they dance nowadays.

The further away the better.

(upbeat dance music)

You're not doing it!

- What do you need me for?

- Well, I can't dance by myself.

I've got to have
somebody to shake at.

- Well, just do kind
of a general shake,

to whom it may concern.

(laughter)

- Oliver!

- No, I like the
old fashioned way

where you take
the girl in your arms.

- What do you call this?
- Dancing!

- Feels more like
clutching, to me.

- What's wrong with clutching?

- Nothing, except they don't
do it while they dance anymore.

- Why don't we compromise?

I'll clutch and you shake.

- It won't work, either we
both shake or we both clutch.

- Lisa, if we go to the dance,

we're going to dance this way.

Ya da da da da da da da da da.

Ya da da da da da.

Ya da da da da da.

Do you want something, Eb?

- Yes, sir, but it can wait
til you've finished clutchin'.

(laughter)

- We're waltzing.

- What's that?

This is the way they dance now.

(upbeat dance music)

Why don't you get
a girl and join in?

(laughter)

- Okay, happy hour's over,
everybody back to work.

- Mr. Douglas, I've
already done my chores.

I milked Eleanor,
fed the chickens,

cultivated the corn,
sprayed the tomaters,

washed your car and
swept off the front porch.

- It's only 10:00 and
you've done all that?

- Yes, sir, I just wanted
to show my appreciation

for the $50 advance you're
gonna give me on my salary.

- $50?
- Yes, sir.

I figured I'd ask you for
50, and you would offer five,

so I'll settle for 20.

- You'll settle for nothing.

- I didn't figure
on that figure.

Mr. Douglas, I need money.

- So do I.
- What for?

- You didn't ask me what for.

- I'll give you what for.

(laughter)

- I need a new
dress for the dance.

- Lisa, you've got...

- All I need is $3,000.

- Lisa, you have
to be out of our mid.

$3,000 for a dress?

- The dress is only
$400, but the rest is

for the plane ticket to
go to Paris and to get it.

(laughter)

- Lisa, you've got plenty of
dresses, wear one of those.

- Now that you've
saved yourself $3,000,

you can afford to give me
the 20 without any sweat.

- If I went to New
York, I could probably

cut the cost to 1,500.

- The answer to
both of you is no.

- There the goes the last
of the big cheapskates.

- Yeah, and there goes the
end of my romance with Lorelei.

- Is that what you
needed the money for?

- Yes, ma'am, it's
her birthday next week

and I wanted to buy
her a nice present

and take her out to some
swanky place for dinner,

like the Pixeli Diner
with tablecloths.

- Don't give up yet, Eb.

Like my mother always says,

"There is more than
one way to skin a mink."

(laughter)

- Mr. Douglas!

Golly, dingerfritz,
what are you doin'?

- I'm trying to get rid of
some of these weeds.

- The master of the plantation
shouldn't be doin' serf work.

- Serf...
- Here, give me that.

Now, you go over and sit
under the tree in the shade

and I'll come over and
fan you from time to time.

- Eb, I'm not
advancing you the $20.

- That was the fartherest
thing from my mind.

- Eb, there's no reason why
you should need an advance.

You get a good salary,
what do you do with it?

- I send it home, they like a
good laugh now and then too.

(laughter)

- Look, Eb... All
I'm asking for is $20.

- What do you need it for?

- It's Lorelei's birthday,
and I want to buy her

a present and take
her out to dinner...

- You knew Lorelei had
a birthday coming up,

why didn't you save for it?

- I did, I had $30,
and one day I was

at the doctor's
office and, well,

I don't know what came over me,

but I up and treated
everybody to flu sh*ts.

(laughter)

- Oh boy, Eb, when
is her birthday?

- Next Thursday.

- That gives you almost a
week to earn whatever you need.

- But Mr. Douglas, I
can't earn the whole...

- That's what I used to do
when I needed extra money.

I worked evenings.

- You've seen
Hooterville at night.

What is there to do around here?

- Well, you're an
enterprising young man,

you'll think of something.

- Who is it?
- It's me, sweetie.

- Come in.
- Are you decent?

- Just come in.
- Okay.

Your knob came off.

- Oh, for the love of Pete.

(laughter)

- There's a lot of
that going around.

- Ralph, you...

- You should have been
at the doctor the other day.

Eb treated
everybody to flu sh*ts.

(laughter)

- I think you broke something.

- Yeah, probably.

Where is it?

- Where is what?
- My dress.

- What dress?
- The one I gave $2 to Eb for

to rent for the dance.

- You gave Eb...

- He told me how hard
up for cash you are.

- I'm not...
- I think it's a wonderful way

to raise money, renting your
wife's dresses for an evening.

Now where are they?

- Look, we're not renting...

- Oh, hello, hello there, Ralph.

- You know what
that stupid Ed did?

- That's a fine way
to talk about the boy

when he's tryin'
to help shore up

your shaky financial foundation.

- I don't have a
shaky foundation.

- No, he's a clutcher.

(laughter)

- Lisa, Eb is trying
to raise that $20

by renting your clothes.

- Well, you told him
to be enterprising.

- Well, I didn't
mean he should...

- Can I see the dresses?

- We're not renting any dresses.

- You took my $2,
what kind of a racket

are you running here?

- Look, I'll see that Eb
gives you back your money.

- I'd rather have the
dress, I haven't got anything

to wear to the dance.

- Well, I'll be glad
to lend you one.

And you don't have
to pay anything for it.

- I don't?
- Of course not.

- Well then why
did you take my $2.

- I didn't...

Here's your $2.

- Come, let's see if we can
find a dress for you to wear.

- Do you think you
can find something

to make me look sexy?

- Try one of my suits.

(laughter)

(knocking on door)

- I come after the dollar
and a half mink coat.

- What?

- The one's you're
rentin' for the dance.

- Wait a minute, we're
not renting any mink coats.

- Oh yeah, your son,
Eb, said you were worried

that people would find out
you were flat on your uppers.

- I'm not flat on anything,
and he is not my son.

- Oh ho ho ho, I got
his signature right here

on this receipt, you see
that there, Eb Douglas.

- His name is Eb Dawson.

- And you're Mr. Dawson.

- No, my name is Douglas.

- Uh huh, changed it
to avoid your creditors.

- No, lady, I didn't...

- Where are the coats?

- For the last time...

- Oh hi, Minnie.
- Oh hi, Lila.

Say, that's pretty.

- I got it from Mrs.
Douglas for the dance.

- How much do they rent fer?

- Mrs. Douglas is lending
it to me for nothing.

- Then how come
you're charging me

a dollar and a
half for a fur coat?

(laughter)

- Oh Oliver, you
shouldn't have done that.

- I didn't, Eb did.

- Well, if you need a
fur coat for the dance,

I've got plenty of them.

I'll be glad to lend
you one for nothing.

- Lisa...

- Can I have my
dollar and a half back?

(laughter)

- Here, there you are.

(laughter)

- Come into the bedroom, Mrs...

- Holcombe.
- I'm Lisa Douglas.

- Pleased to meet up
with your acquaintance.

- Well, let's go.

- Mrs. Douglas,
I think a fur coat

would look awful good with this.

- You can have one.

- Can I have a dress
to go with the fur coat?

- Lisa! (knocking on door)

We're not renting any
dresses or fur coats.

- Oh, then I won't be
able to go to the dance.

- Mr. Kimball, I
thought it was...

Well, what can I do for you?

- May I have the keys
to your car, please?

- The keys to my...

- Now, let me get this straight.

You charge three cents
a mile for the first 50 miles

and then two cents a mile
for every mile thereafter

and you pay for the gasoline.

Or is it three cents a
mile for the gasoline,

you pay for the first 50 miles?

Well, whatever it is, I'm
sure glad that Eb told me

about your car rental service.

- My car is not for rent.

- That's it, Mr. Douglas,
put up a good front.

No sense in lettin' everybody
know that you're down and out.

Have you had
anything to eat today?

- Of course!

- I haven't, I gave Eb
my last $3 to rent the car.

- Look, here's your $3 back.

- Oh no, no, no, you keep it.

You need it worse than I do.

- I don't need it!

- Mr. Douglas, I
admire your courage.

I mean, a lot of men in
your position would be crying

and whining, but not
you, you're taking it like a...

Come to think of it, I
gave Eb $4 to rent the car.

(laughter)

- Here's the other dollar.

- What's this for?

- You said you gave him $4.

- What for?
- To rent my car!

- Oh, may I have the
keys to your car, please?

- No!
- But I...
- b*at it! (laughter)

Ooh, that Eb, if I ever
get my hands on him!

- When you've placed
the dance steps on the floor

in the pattern indicated,

you are ready to start.

Place your left foot
on footprint number one

and your right foot on
footprint number two.

Now, move the left foot from
position one to position three.

Now slide the right
foot to position four.

(laughter)

Now move your left foot
gracefully to position five

while clapping hands
in rhythm overhead

and wigglin' the hips.

(laughter)

Oh, hi. (laughter)

Just practicin' my
mail order Watusi.

I wanted to learn
somethin' new for the dance.

Seems the girls today
prefer shakers to clutchers.

- Well look, I won't keep
you, I'm looking for Eb.

- Oh, he was here
jut a few minutes ago.

I think he said he was
gonna go over and see Haney.

- Uh huh, thank you, thank you.

- By the way, Mr. Douglas,
would 7:00 tonight be alright?

- For what?
- To come over

and pick up the tuxedo I rented.

- Did Eb rent you...

- Yeah, I paid him
the $2.50 in advance.

- Mr. Drucker...

- I sure am sorry to hear
things are goin' so bad for you.

- Look, Mr. Drucker,
there is nothing,

here, here's your $2.50 back.

- Are you sure you're not
givin' me this just to save face?

Eb said you might.

- Forget what Eb
said, wait'll I find him!

- The reason I came
to you, Mr. Haney,

is because you're so
good at raisin' money.

- Oh, it's just a natural
born talent I have,

like some people have for music.

Now, you take my cousin.

He could pick out
a tune on a zither

when he was only two years old.

- Which cousin was that?

- Oh, you've seen him, the
kid with the swollen fingers.

- Well, my problem ain't
musical, it's monetary.

- Uh, just how much
monetary does it involve?

- $20, I've already got
10, but I need 10 more.

- You've got $10?
- Yes, sir.

- Can I see it?

- Here you are, right here.

- Do you mind if I count it?

You're right, there's
$10 there alright.

Now, what can I do for you?

- Well, for one thing you
can give me back my $10.


- Oh, didn't I give
that back to you?

(laughter)

- No, sir!

- You say you got $10,
and you need $10 more.

- I had 10, but you have it.

- Oh, you mean
my consultation fee.

- Consultation fee!

- Well, you don't expect to
come over here and get advice

from my natural born money
makin' talents for nothin'.

- Mr. Haney, I want
my money back.

- No need to get your riles up.

You're investin' that
10 in the franchise.

You are the Midwest distributor

for Lickwell's Liver Lotion.

- Liver Lotion!

- You sell these and you'll
wind up with the $20 you need.

- Who will buy this stuff?

- Anybody who sees these.

They're part of the sales
kit we furnish you with.

- What are those?

- Before and after liver x-rays.

- Where's the liver?

- In the icebox so
the cat can't get it.

(laughter)

We furnish you with that
little sales joke free of charge.

Now, notice how tired
and droopy the liver is

in the before, now
look at the after.

Did you ever see a more
soothed, happier liver in your life?

- I can't tell the difference.

- Well, that's because
you ain't a liver.

Just take my word for it.

- Well, if you
think I can sell it.

- You won't have as much
trouble as Dr. Ehrlich had

with his magic b*llet.

- Thank you, Mr. Haney,
thank you very much.

You've solved all my... Uh oh.
- Eb!

- Double uh oh.

- I've been looking
all over for you.

- It's good to see
ya, Mr. Douglas.

- You keep out of this.

You owe me $10.

- I'm keepin' out of this.

- But Mr. Douglas...

- I've refunded all the money
you got for those rentals.

You had no right to do that.

- But...
- $10!

- Well, here you are.

- What's this?

- You are now the
Midwest distributor

for Lickwell's Liver Lotion.

(laughter)

- Liver lotion,
what does that do?

- I don't know.

- It says so here on the label.

Softens chapped livers.

- Chapped livers?
- MM hm.

- They must mean chopped livers.

(laughter)

Chapped livers.

- That's wonderful, and
you're the Midwest distributor.

(knocking on door)

- Come in.

- Hi, Miss Douglas.

- Oh, hello there,
Mrs. Holcombe.

- Mr. Douglas, I'm just
returning your coat and dress.

I won't be able to
go to the dance.

- Oh, that's a
shame, what's wrong?

- Well, I can't
get a babysitter.

Everybody in town's goin'.

- Shine sir, it's only a
dollar per shoe per shine,

or a $1.98 for the
set, or 12 pair for $20,

or you can join my
shine of the month club...

- Will you get lost with that...

- Either of you two
ladies interested?

- No, but, Eb, if you want
to make some money,

Mrs. Holcomb needs a babysitter

for the dance tomorrow night.

- I usually give
$2 for the night.

- 20 would be better.

- Take the two, it's a start.

- You know, Eb, if you
get enough babysittings job,

you would have your
money in no time.

- Yeah, no time, I'll do it!

- Lisa, how long
you going to be?

- I'll only be a
few more minutes.

(knocking on door)

- Is Eb here?
- Uh, no.

- Are you Mr. Douglas.
- Yes.

- Well, Eb said I should
leave Tommy with you.

Here's his bottle,
he gets it at eight.

I'll pick him up at
12:00, thanks, bye.

- Wait, just a second.

(laughter)

- Well, I'm ready.

Well, where did you get this?

- Some woman just left him.

- Anybody you know?

(laughter)

- I never saw
her before in my...

- Oh, isn't he cute?

- Yeah. (knocking on door)

Here, here, hold it.

- Hello there, are
you Mr. Douglas?

- Yes.

- Eb told me to leave
Charlie with you.

Now, his bottle and
his didies and his rattle

are right in here,
he gets fed at 9:15.

I'll pick him up after
the dance, goodnight.

- Wh, wh, wh, miss, missus.

(laughter)

I don't know.

- Oliver, Oliver where
are you going to put these?

- Don't ask, where
is that stupid Eb?

Eb!
- Howdy.

Oh, I see two of
them got here already.

- Yeah.
- These are the Beasley kids.

Bradley and Sarah.

- Eb, what do you
think you're doing here?

Running some kind of a,

Eb, what are you up to?

- Usin' my good old
American ingenuity.

Wholesale babysittin'.

(babies crying)

- You're going to
babysit all four of them?

- No, ma'am, 10.
- What!

- Ain't this a keano idea?

10 babies at $2 a baby,

and I've made my
whole $20 in one evening.

(babies crying)

Holy smoke, I gotta get movin'.

I got six more to pick up.

- Eb, come back here!

(babies crying)

- Seven, eight, nine, ten.

Well, they're all here.

Thanks a lot for letting
me use your bedroom.

Now I want you to go to the
dance and have a good time.

- You expect to
take care of all 10

of these kids by yourself?

- No, sir, there's this
friend of mine coming over

to help me out.
(knocking on door)

That must be him now, come in!

Arnold, you're late.

(pig grunting)

- That's the friend
that's gonna help you?

- Yes, sir, he's an
experienced baby herder.

You see, in case any
of these little babies start

to crawl away, Arnold rounds
'em up and herds 'em back.

- You're not
going to let that pig

get anywhere near those kids.

Out! (pig grunting)

Out! (pig squealing)

Of all the stupid things...

- What is all the yelling about?

- Eb... why did you
change clothes?

- Well, we can't go to the dance

and leave all the babies
alone here with Eb.

- No, I guess we can't.

- Well, as long as
you're not going,

can I have your tickets?

- No.
- Well, there's no sense

in all of us staying here.

- You're not leaving,
if you hadn't...

(babies crying)

Quiet, quiet.
- Look what you've done.

- That ain't no
way to handle kids.

Cool it, or nobody gets
to watch the boob tube.

(babies quiet)

You gotta use child psychology.

- Yeah, child psychology.

- Well, we've got
to get organized.

These babies have to be
bottled, changed and burped.

We all have to pitch in.

- This one is ready for
the burping department.

- Yeah, just a
minute. (loud burp)

Thatta boy.

- [Eb] That was me. (laughter)

There you go.

- Here, change this.

- Isn't this fun?

- This is a great
way to enjoy a dance.

- Ain't that a great feeling?

(laughter)

♪ Lullaby and goodnight

♪ La la la da da da

♪ La da dee da la da dee

♪ La da da da da da

- Oliver.
- Hm?

- Look at how quiet they are.
- Yeah.

- You've got such a wonderful
voice to put people to sleep.

- Thank you.

- [Lisa] You'd make
a wonderful father.

- Well, you'd make
a beautiful mother.

(bottles crash
and babies crying)

- Eb, why don't you
watch where you're going?

(babies crying)

- Back to work, Elvis.

- Ya da da ya da da da
ya da da da da da da dee

La da da da la da da
da la da da da da da da

(babies crying)
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