04x01 - Guess Who's Not Going to the Luau

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Are you ready for
the shopping list?

- Ready.

- Do you have a piece of paper?

- Yes.

- How about a pencil?

- Lisa, just tell
me what you need.

- What have you got
down there so far?

- Nothing.

- Well, you didn't
have to put that down.

- I didn't write...

- Put down a jar
of instinct coffee.

- Instinct coffee?

- Well, you know, when
you put the coffee in the cup

and you add some water, and
it makes coffee in an instinct.

- One jar of instinct coffee.

- And we also need...
- Mr. Douglas?

- Eb, uh, we're making
out the shopping list.

- Oh, good.

Put me down a bottle
of rum and a pineapple.

- What?

- I have to get used to
those Hawaiian drinks.

- May I ask why?

- Well, didn't I tell you?

I'm going to Hawaii
for two weeks.

- When?

- As soon as I win the contest.

Oh, you'd better mark down
a jar of passion fruit, too.

- Passion fruit,
is that good for...
- No!

It's just the name of a fruit.

- What contest is it, Eb?

- It's the Peterson
Poi Juice contest.

- Poi juice?

- They serve it every
afternoon on the veranda

of the Tiki Bongo Hotel.

The Tiki Bongo is where
they put you up for two weeks

if you win the contest.

In addition, the winner
gets free catamaran lessons,

the use of a surfboard,

and a year's supply
of shark repellent.

- And they also
give you a ukulele

autographed by Duke Kanahaki.

- How do you know?

- Well I saw the commercial
on their TV program last night,

Run For Your Wife.

- Run For Your Wife?

- Wasn't that a real grabber?

- Certainly was.

You see, these two
fellows were on the top

of the Empire State Building,

and this one fellow
pushed the other fellow off.

But he didn't know that the
other fellow had a parachute,

and he drifted down into
the arms of this beautiful girl,

and they were married,
and lived happily ever after.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I missed that,
it sounds like a great show.

- Oh, it wasn't the show,
it was the commercial.

- What?

- It was very clever.

Right on top of the
parachute they had printed,

drink Peterson's Poi Juice.

- Oh, that was clever.

- And when the fellow drifted
down into the girls arms,

she said, "Let's get married

"and let's go on our
honeymoon to Hawaii."

And he said, "I
can't afford it."

And she said, "Maybe
we can win a trip to Hawaii

"by going to our local
grocer and get an entry blank

"and mail it into the
Peterson Poi Juice Company."

- Oh, that is a
sensational commercial.

- That wasn't the
commercial, that was the show.

- Eb.

- Can I go into Drucker's with
you and get my entry blank?

- No, you've got work to do.

- Oh, Eb, we'll get
you an entry blank.

- Fred, I told you, I don't
have any entry blanks

for a trip-to-Hawaii contest.

Who told you about it?

- Arnold.

He saw a commercial on
some TV show called, uh,

oh, Run For Your Wife.

- Fred, you really
understand what Arnold says?

- Oh, yeah, when
he don't mumble.

Now, let me have
one of them blanks.

- Fred, I told you,
I never got any!

Oh, good morning,
Mr. And Mrs. Douglas.

- Well, good
morning, Mr. Drucker.

- Good morning.

- Mr. Ziffel.

- Hello there, Arnold.

What's the matter with Arnold?

- Oh, he always gets
the shies in the presence

of a beautiful woman.

- The shies?

- Yeah, that's country talk.

- Oh, yes, yes.

Well, Mr. Drucker,
we need a few...

What's the matter with him?

- Well, he's ahead of you.

He's got a lower number.

- He has number three.

What number do you have?

- I don't have a number.

- Well, you have to take one.

- Oh, ?

Who has the other numbers?

- Well, there aren't any more.

I bought the system
from a bankrupt bakery,

and that's the only two
numbers they had left.

- Wait on Arnold.

- All we want is
our entry blanks

to the Hawaiian trip contest.

- We want to get
some of those, too.

- I just told Fred
I didn't get any.

Them companies are always
sending me contest blanks,

and I just throw 'em in here.

- Well, maybe that's what you
done with the Hawaiian blanks.

- Oh, no, the only contest

for a trip I got
is this here one.

First prize is an all-expense
vacation to Verdun

to watch the Kaiser
sign the armistice.

- I'd like to enter that one.

- Sorry, but you have to
send in your entry blank

before November th, .

- Mr. Drucker could
you please wait on me.

- Mr. Drucker is still
waiting on number three.

You're welcome.

- Doggone, they did
send me some blanks

for that poi juice contest.

- Well, I'll take mine.

- Uh, so will I, and
may I have one for Eb?

Oliver, will you take one?

- No, I'm not a
poi juice drinker.

- Well, we finally found
something you don't drink.

- Well, drinking
ain't a requirement.

- Take one, Oliver.

- All right, thank you.

Now can I get waited on?

- Just a second.

What number have you got?

- .

- I'm ahead of you,
I got number three.

- Where did you get that?

- The pig gave it to me.

- Well, I printed my
name and address.

Now, what else do I have to do?

- Just sign your name
in your own handwriting.

- Eb!

I've been looking
all over for you.

- I've been right here.

- Doing what?

- We were filling out
our poi juice blanks.

We filled out one for you, too.

All you have to do
is sign it right here.

- If I do, then, can
we get to work?

- Yes, sir.

- Be, be sure you spell
Douglas the same way I did,

so they know that
we are married.

- That's none of their business.

Now, can we get to work?

- As soon as he takes them
to New York and mails them.

- New York?

- Well, we want to be sure
that they get there in time

for the drawing.

- That's two weeks away!

You take these to
Drucker's and mail it,

and I don't want to hear
another word about that contest,

poi juice, or Hawaii.

- Aloha, amigo.

- Well, hello, Mr. Haney,
uh, aloha, amigo?

- Uh, yeah, that's
Hawaiian for, hello, w*tback.

- Mr. Haney...

- I suppose you're on your
way to take your hula lesson.

- Now, why should I
take a hula lesson?

- You're not gonna
foxtrot on Waikiki beach?

- I'm the type that might.

- I hate to see you spoil

an all-expense,
two-week trip to Hawaii

by making a fool
out of yourself.

- Mr. Haney, I
appreciate your concern,

but I have no intension
of going to Hawaii.

- You didn't you enter
the poi juice contest?

- My wife talked me
into signing a blank,

but, uh, I don't expect to win.

- Well, I've got a great
deal more confidence in you

than you have.

And I'm willing to back
it up with hard cash.

- What are you getting at?

- I figure first prize
is worth $ , .

So I'll give you my
check for $ ,

for half interest in your entry.

- I'll take it.

- Sign here.

- Uh, well, just,
just a minute here.

Now, what am I signing?

- Oh, it's just a simple
agreement saying that if you win,

you'll split with me.

Now, I would take
your word for it,

but the last time I went
into one of these things,

the winner skipped off
and went off to Verdun

and watched the Kaiser
sign the armistice without me.

- Mr. Haney...

- Now, here's the place
where you put your signature

to bind our simple agreement.

- This is not a simple agreement,
there are pages here.

- Well, being a lawyer, you
know that a contract ain't legal

unless it has a few
whereases and whereforeses.

- Well, if you'll explain
this clause to me.

- The Hawaiian outfit clause.

Oh, that's very simple.

Now, in return for
my check for $ , ,

you agree to buy a complete
outfit of Hawaiian clothes

from the Haney Hawaiian
South Sea Outfittin' Company.

Now, this includes
such necessary items

as a Gilda
Gray-type grass skirt,

plus, a south seas
model pith helmet.

Now, in addition to
the skirt and the helmet,

you get this
dual-purpose rubber lei.

- A rubber lei?

- Self-inflatin'.

You can wear it
around your neck,

or you can sit on it at
one of them luauers.

- How much are you
charging for this outfit?

- Well, because we're partners,

you can buy the
whole thing for $ , .

- I see, you give me
a check for $ , ,

and, in return, I give
you a check for $ , .

- Well, we can do it that way,

or you can just give me
your check for a thousand

and save a lot of paperwork.

- Bye.

- In the words of Duke Kakanaki,

aloha, nui wahu lalani.

Which means, may
your bed be filled

with broken coconut shells.

- Well, it's hard to believe

that it's two weeks
later already.

- What?

- That's what the sign
over your head says.

- What sign?

- The one that said
it's two weeks later.

And you know what that means?

- It means you've flipped.

- It means that tonight is
the night for the drawing

on the Run For
Your Wife program.

Well, aren't you going
to come and watch it?

- I'd rather read.

- Don't you want to see if
you win the trip to Hawaii?

- No.

- Just for that, if
they pick your name,

I'm not going to tell you.

- Lisa, I'm trying to read.

Oh, for, come in!

I can't open the door!

I got my hands full!

- I'm coming!

- Did the show start yet?

- Yeah, it's in, what is that?

- Uh, it's a TV snack,
a chocolate chip pizza.

- A chocolate chip pizza?

- It's not all chocolate chip.

It's got raisins,
sardines, sour cream,

sliced pickles and cherries.

- Yuck!

- Hey, that's what they call it.

You just go in
and ask for a yuck.

Would you like a bite?

- No, no, no,
get it out of here.

- Yes, sir.

Uh, would you mind?

Gladly.

- In the words of Duke Kakanaki,

may your path be
strong with palm fronds.

- Go eat your yuck.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, no.

Come in!

- Oh, good evening, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hi, Mr. Kimball,
the TV's in the bedroom.

- Oh, thank you.

I didn't come over
to watch television.

- Well, what did
you come over for?

- Over where?

- Over here.

- No, I believe it's over there.

♪ Over there, over there

My cousin taught me that.

He learned it when
he won a trip to Verdun

to watch the Kaiser
sign the armistice.

- Yes.

- Am I interrupting anything?

- I'm trying to read this book.

- Oh, well, I'll wait
till you finish it, then.

- Mr. Kimball, did you want
to see me about something?

- Yes, I certainly did.

- What is it?

- What's what?

- What did you want
to see me about?

- Uh, see you about.

Oh, it's a matter of the
utmost, uh, well, not the utmost.

It's, uh, well, it's not
that either, it's, uh.

- Well, tell me or forget it!

- Oh, yes, sir.

You know, I forgot it.

Well, good night.

- One minute till the drawing.

- Will you stop interrupting me!

Come in!

- Did I leave my hat in here?

- It's on your head!

- Oh, well, if you find it,
would you save it for me?

Good night.

- Oh, brother!

Oliver, they're going
to pick the name!

- What's the use?

- Now, here's the moment all
America has been waiting for,

the drawing for the
winner of our Hawaiian trip.

And now to select
the lucky winner,

here is the president of the
Peterson Poi Juice Company,

Mr. Clark Peterson.

- You want a piece of yuck?

- Mm, ew, get that
stuff away from me.

- Shh!

- Oh! Uh, yes.

- Mr. Peterson,
if you will, please.

- Yes.

- Don't forget, ladies
and gentlemen,

that the winner will appear
on this program next week,

at which time, Mr. Peterson
will personally present him

or her with the airplane tickets

and hotel reservations at
the fabulous Tiki Bongo Hotel,

which is only a
-minute bus ride

from beautiful Waikiki Beach.

- On second thought, I'll
have a piece of that yuck.

- Shh!

- Yes, uh, the
winner is from, uh,

I think that's Hooterville.

- That's us, that's us!

- Shh!

- And the name of the winner is,

um, I can't quite
read his handwriting.

Is, is that Oliver?

- Oliver, Oliver, it's you!

You won! You won!

- Shh, shh!

- No, that's not Oliver.

It could be Alfred.

No, it's Arnold, Arnold Ziffel!

Arnold Ziffel?

That's you, Arnold!

You've won the trip to Hawaii!

- Oh, hello there.

- Hello, good morning.

I wonder if you could help me?

- To do what?

- Well, I'm lost.

- Oh, well, the best thing
is to find a policeman

and tell him, and
he'll call your mother,

and she'll come and get you.

Hello there.

Haven't I seen you
someplace before?

Who is it, Lisa?

- Oh, it's him.

- Um, my name is Robertson.

I'm with an advertising agency.

- Robertson, Williams,
and Simon, huh?

- Perhaps you can help me.

I'm looking for the Ziffel farm.

- Well, you go down
the road about a mile...

- What do you want
to see them about?

- Well, as I said.
- Lisa.

If you don't stop interrupting,

you're gonna have to
go back in the house.

- He always treats
me like a child,

except on Saturday nights
when I mix the martinis.

- Uh, you were going to tell
me how to find the Ziffel farm?

- No, you were going to tell
us why you want to see them.

- Well, if you were
watching television last night,

you probably know
that Arnold Ziffel

won the Peterson
Poi Juice drawing.

I'm here to talk to him
about his appearance

on our show next week,

and to make arrangements
for his trip to Hawaii.

- I take it you haven't had
any contact yet with Arnold?

- No, I told you, I'm lost.

- Well, if you think
you're lost now,

wait till you meet Arnold.

Uh, Mr. Ziffel, this
is Mr. Robertson.

- Mr. Robertson is
with the advertising firm

of Robertson,
Williams and Simon.

- Oh, howdy.

- Mr. Robertson got lost,
so we brought him over.

He's here to talk to
Arnold about winning

the Hawaiian contest.

- Well, Arnold's all
excited about that.

Say, what part of
Europe is Hawaii in?

- It's not in Europe,
it's in the Pacific.

- The Pacific what?

- The Pacific Ocean.

- Oh, that one.

- Uh, Mr. Ziffel, I'd
like to meet Arnold.

We have a lot of
arrangements to make

for his appearance on
our TV show next week.

- Mm, well, he just
come home from school.

- He's in the third grade.

- Oh, how old is he?

- Well, let's see now,
about six years ago,

I met his mother and
fell in love with her.

I traded Ben Miller
a plow for her.

- You traded your plow for...

- She was carrying
Arnold at the time.

- That's the way we
do things in Hooterville.

- Um, then, Arnold
is your stepson?

- Well, yes, but then I
brought him up as my own.

- Well, that's very commendable.

May I see him, please?

- Well, certainly, come on in.

- Your nerves in
pretty good shape?

- Yes, they seem fine.

- After you.

- Oh, he's been
playing that same record

ever since he heard he
won the trip to Hawaii.

Arnold, cut that thing
off and come on in here.

Arnold, this is Mr. Robertson.

How do you, uh...

Did you call him...
- Yes, he did.

- But he's a...
- Yes, he is.

- May I use the phone?

- Arnold Ziffel is a what?

A pig?

Well, clean him up and
buy him some new clothes

before he appears on TV.

What?

He's what kind of a pig?

Well, that's impossible!

You tell those people
he is not eligible.

- Yes, sir, I'll tell them.

Mr. Ziffel, I'm
sorry to tell you this,

but we can't give
Arnold his prize.

- If you quiet
down, I'll ask him.

Why can't he have his prize?

- Because a pig is not
eligible to enter our contest.

Well, if you'd read the rules.

- I read the rules,

and it didn't say anything
about if you were a pig,

you couldn't enter.

- Lady, would you please
mind your own business?

- Just a minute, you're
talking to my wife.

- This matter is no
concern of hers or yours.

- Well, I'll make it a
concern of Mr. Douglas.

He's a lawyer, and I'm gonna
hire him to represent Arnold.

- You're a pig lawyer?

- Look, I resent the...

- There is nothing to resent.

He is the best pig
lawyer in the whole state.

- How much shall we
sue 'em for, Mr. Douglas?

- Go ahead and sue.

You'll never stand
a chance in court.

- Oh, I'm sure you
wouldn't want to go to court.

How will it look when
the word gets out

that a pig won the
Peterson Poi Juice contest?

- May I use the phone?

- The pig has hired a lawyer?

What saloon are
you phoning from?

What?

Well, even if there isn't
anything in the rules about pigs,

there is one
condition in those rules

which I think will discourage
him and his lawyer.

- Yes, sir.

I'd forgotten all about
that, Mr. Peterson.

It'll be a pleasure.

Well, Mr. Douglas...

- Watch it, Oliver, I think
he's going to loophole you.

- Since you're
making such an issue

of sticking to the rules,

we're perfectly
willing to do just that.

May I remind you
that each entry blank

had to be signed by the entrant?

- So?

- So, may I see
Arnold sign his name?

- You got a pen?

- There you are, Mr. Ziffel.

- Thank you, Mr. Douglas.

Here, Arnold.

Sign your name.

- Yes, you can use the phone.

- Oliver, Oliver, you're a hero.

- Lisa, please.

- All these letters
are from people

who read about what
you did for Arnold.

- Yeah, fine.

- They all want you to
handle the legal cases

for their animals.

- Look, uh...

- Here is one from
a woman with a dog

that wants to get a divorce.

- The dog wants a divorce?

- No, the woman, but
the dog is against it.

- Lisa.

- Anyway, if it weren't for you,

Arnold wouldn't be
going to Hawaii tomorrow.

- I hope he has a good time.

- Do you want to go to the
station and see Arnold off?

- No, that won't be necessary.

We sent him a
bottle of champagne.

Come in!

- Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel.

We were just talking
about coming to the station

to say goodbye to Arnold.

- Well, you can say, hello,
because he ain't goin'.

- He isn't?

- Can we have our bottle
of champagne back?

Just thought I'd ask.

- Why isn't Arnold going?

- Well, they sent him
his ticket and itinerary,

and he liked the idea
of the governor of Hawaii

meeting him at the airport,

and he likes a hula show,

and the ride in the
outrigger canoe.

But when he found out

that he was to be the
guest of honor at the luau,

he called off the trip.

- Well, what's
wrong with a luau?

- The main course is roast pig.

Thanks for everything,
Mrs. Douglas.

Goodbye.

- Well, Oliver, like
Duke Kakanaki says,

you can lead a pig to Hawaii,

but you can't make him drink it.

- Uh, why don't you
read some of the letters.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going into the
Pixley Pizza Parlor

and get a great big yuck.

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.