04x15 - Messy Situation, Miscommunication and Academic Probation

[bunniefuu]

- Ugh.
- DARLENE: Oh, now look what you did.

You got vegetables on Dad's plate.

What's he gonna do with those?

All right. Let's fix this
elbow-bumping problem.

I need all the lefties to
sit next to each other

on this side of the table,
all righties on this side.

We need a righty to switch to a lefty.

Mary, start using your other hand.

Why me?

Because the rest of us
are too old to change.

I'm not that young.

I bet none of you even
know how old I am.

Sure we do, sweetie. You're .

No. .

- .
- .

You're all wrong. She's .

Anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

She should be working, right?

Well, give her a minute. She's a Conner.

She's not gonna get to retire,

so she should enjoy
her golden years now.

Oh! This is ridiculous anyways.

Why are we all eating at the same time

like it's rush hour on a
Japanese commuter train?

Because right now, a lot of us

are feeling like we need
to be together more.

Well, I know Mary needed
that, and thanks, everybody,

for helping her deal with everything

while I was out of town.

That's what family's for.

Hey, Dad, did Chuck ever get back to you

about his friend that was gonna
put his house on the market?

I'm down to looking
at converted garages,

and it's cool that one whole wall

is a window if you open it,

but in the winter, I'm
gonna have to hire a kid

to shovel my living room.

It's weird. I've called
Chuck a couple of times

over the last few weeks,
but he hasn't called me back.

He and Anne-Marie are
probably on their boat

heading down the Mississippi
to party in N'orleans.

I'm gonna do that, too, when I retire.

Except there's no boat,
no party, and I'll be dead.

Maybe we should go over there.

I don't want to go over
there unannounced.

Unannounced?

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present

the Earl and Duchess of Whitetrash."

[Laughs]

Fine. We'll just say we
were in the neighborhood.

It won't be a lie.

I got four birthdays coming up at work

and I've been meaning to break
into that Goodwill donation bin

next to the fancy dog hotel anyway.

Oh, uh, Beverly Rose needs some shoes.

Those are easy to fish
out with a coat hanger,

but try to get two of
the same size this time.

"The Earl and Duchess regret
that they must take their leave

to attend the royal dumpster dive."

If you see a bra that's not
too stretched out, grab it.

[Knock on door]

- Not it!
- Not it!

Oh, damn!

I had a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

If you're looking for money,

we don't care about your band uniforms

and your chocolate bars suck!

Hi! What are you doing here?

Great news. We don't have to worry

about the school finding out
that we're dating anymore.

That is great. Why not?

'Cause they found out.

What?

How? We were so careful.

Well, remember that text
you sent me where you said,

"Every second I'm in your
class, all I can think about

is watching you grade papers naked"?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you sent it to me
and Wanda the TA.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. You sent it to
me and her on the thread

where we were talking about
your overdue assignment,

which, ironically, was
about self-sabotage.

Oh, my God. I feel terrible.

How do we fix this?

We can't.

See, Wanda already took it to the dean,

and everything's cool, though.

I told him it was all my fault,
and I handed in my resignation.

Oh, my God, Glen, I can't
believe you did that.

Are you gonna be able
to get another job?

No. That's the beauty of it.
This is my chance.

I can finally write my book,

and you and I don't have to
hide our relationship anymore.

Oh, that is fantastic.

So you have some money saved up?

Oh, God, no.

I'm a community college teacher.
I made more money

working at The Gap in high school.

I'm good for about three months.

Maybe four, if I eat once a
day and live in a youth hostel.

We'll feed you at The Lunch Box.

Um, you must have a really
good idea for the book.

Here's the best part.

I got nothing.

How is that the best part?

Then everything is a possibility.

Leap and the net will appear.

You know who says that?

Dead circus performers.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

How did we get another sad,
middle-aged person in this house?

I thought we sprayed for that.

It's okay.

He's percolating ideas for his new book.

Tell him to go percolate in the kitchen.

He's cutting into my cartoon
time with Beverly Rose.

Okay, honey,

it's time to brush your teeth
and get ready for preschool.

What's the point?

Where did you hear that?

Uncle Glen. He says it a lot.

So, it's been a couple days.

I don't want to interfere
with your process,

but I'm excited to hear what you got.

I hit a wall.

Well, you can't hit a wall.
You're in a new phase.

You said you always
wanted to write a book.

You must've had some
ideas at some point.

I've never had any ideas.

I just read a book and
thought, "I could do this."

Well, of course you can do this.

You have a brilliant mind.

You just need some motivation.

Okay. Tomorrow, I wanna see
three ideas for your new book,

with a paragraph for each

indicating what some of
the chapters might be.

You're right.

Thank you.

I needed a kick in the ass.

I'm gonna have one more bowl of cereal,

and then I'll write
the entire book today.

You know, sometimes,
people set too high of a goal

so they have an excuse
for their failure.

I have a much better
excuse for my failure.

Nope. I got nothing.

But I'm gonna come up with
three great ideas for that, too.

I am on fire!

♪ ♪

Maybe we shouldn't do this.

Maybe he's got another friend
he's doing fun stuff with.

What are you? ?

[Knock on door]

Hey, Darlene. Dan.

Hey, hey. How's it going, stranger?

I've been trying to get ahold
of you for the last few weeks.

Uh, I-I-I've just been busy. That's all.

Uh, you know, listen, I'm kind
of in the middle of something.

It'd be great if you could come back.

Uh, hey, uh, do you mind if I
come in and use your bathroom?

I-I'll be real quick.

Wow!

What hit this place?

Now that you're home all the time,

I guess Anne-Marie finally
got wise and realized

she could do better
than you and left you.

Oh, my God, I was just joking.
She didn't leave you, did she?

No. No, um...

she's been in the hospital
for a few weeks.

A few weeks? What's going on?

She's, uh... She's had
a couple s-strokes.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

Why the hell didn't you call me?

Because you're not a doctor,

and you got problems of your own,

and, you know, I've been
so busy going to see her,

I haven't had a chance
to clean up around here.

I don't know what to say.

Anne-Marie's tough.
I'm sure she's gonna be okay.

Yeah, and... and while we're
here, at least let us help you.

We'll get rid of some of this trash.

Normally, I would throw away
this coupon for carpet cleaning,

but I'm thinking we hang onto it.

There might be a carpet
underneath all this.

Uh, you know what?

Leave it. I'll... I'll... I'll get it.

Oh, it's not problem.

J-Just stop!

Look...

thanks, but, um, I don't need any help.

My kid's coming over soon,
and we got it covered.

You heard the man, Darlene.
He wants Chuck Jr. to help him.

You want to clean something,
clean our house.

All right, buddy, if you need anything,
you know how to get me.

We'll hold a good thought
for Anne-Marie.

Okay, but I'm at least gonna throw out

this old donut box on our way out.

Huh. Looks like a donut,

but it's just a bunch of
ants dancing in a circle.

All right, it's time for another
moment of "Stew, But True"!

According to Wikipedia,

the Greek historian
Her... Herodotus claimed

that stew existed as early
as the fourth century B.C.,

when cooks would "put the
flesh into the animal's paunch,

mix water with it, and boil
it like that over a bone fire.

This way, an ox is ingeniously
made to boil itself... "

Okay, that's horrifying.

I gotta read these first.

Hey, sweetie.

- Hey.
- Hey, Glen.

Ben.

Ah, thanks so much for coming, Ben.

Well, I've helped launch
a few writers in my time,

so I'm happy to do it.

Okay, hit us with your greatness.

I had a hard time
organizing my thoughts,

so I tried stream of consciousness.

Hey, that can work.

You know, a lot of famous writers
use stream of consciousness.

Kerouac. Huh? Hunter Thompson.

I mean, a lot of dr*gs
floating down that stream,

but still, it's pretty good company.

Glen's just so modest. Let me see it.

Uh... "I'm no good.

Who would want to read a book by me?

I'm sad I woke up today."

Well, there you go.

You got three great titles right there.

Okay, it doesn't have to be profound.

Just give me something.

I got nothing.

I looked inside me and there's
just a gaping black hole.

Oh, come on.

Look, even black holes
have something to offer.

You know, they swallow
light, stars, solar systems.

What's inside your black hole, Glen?

Nothing. Just a black hole.

But if there was something of you

at the bottom of your black
hole, what would it be?

Just me, falling in black forever.

Uh... I think somebody
needs a little pick-me-up,

so before we - you,

let's throw a bowl of ice
cream down that hole

and see if it helps.

So, what's the book about?

Nothing. He's broken. I broke him.

Well, you broke it, you buy it.

I just bumped into it and
it fell off the shelf.

It was an accident.

Doesn't matter. It's all on camera.

You gotta make good, sister.

You know what's really upsetting?

This conversation is already better

- than anything he came up with.
- Mm.

It's a good thing you love him.

Ehh...

There you go. There you go.

Am I in the right house?

Something smells good
and Harris is cooking.

Aldo's kids love spaghetti.

So Grandpa's teaching me
how to make baked spaghetti.

There's a secret to it.

First you take your spaghetti...

and then you bake it.

Next we're going to unravel the mystery

behind boiled potatoes.

So, Dad, that spaghetti looks like
something you could easily pack up

and bring over to your
distressed friend's house.

We're not going to Chuck's.

His kid's gonna handle it.

Uh, no, he's not.

I just got off the phone with Chuck Jr.,

and he knows what's going on,

but he can't get away from work.

And did you know that Chuck
Jr. lives in Nebraska now?

Damn it. No, I did not.

Well, I told Chuck to call me.
There's a reason he didn't.

Yeah, because he's a stubborn
old man like you are.

I don't get it. He's your best friend.

Don't you care what he's going through?

Of course I do.

Well?

He's a grown-ass man.

He can make his own decisions.

Your house is full of grown-ass people

and you're always up in our business.

So, what's really going on here?

I'm worried that Anne-Marie's gonna die

and Chuck's gonna be devastated.

I barely got through my own loss.

I don't think I have the strength

to go through all that again.

Yeah, but you found the
strength when Mom d*ed

because you had us there
to help you get through it.

Chuck's got nobody. He needs you.

You're right. You're right.

I'll go.

Oh, it's gonna get ugly.

Chuck does not like help.

When I forced him to get a colonoscopy,

I told him they were
just gonna X-ray him.

When he woke up, he was so pissed,

he snapped the antenna off my
truck and almost gave me one.

Well, keep your back to the wall

and wear your overalls,
but go do what's right.

♪ ♪

Hey, Beck.

Wake up and go to bed.

Oh.

I fell asleep trying to come up
with ideas for Glen's book.

Oh. I think it's great that
you're trying to elevate

the voice of a middle-aged white guy

with a Master's degree.

It's time their stories were told.

I'm just trying to help
because he's so depressed.

Turns out Glen's just not
good at handling adversity.

That is not a great sign for
somebody dating a Conner.

I know.

And he's a smart, kind guy,
but he's falling apart here.

If there's a crisis, I need a
partner who's got my back.

And I know it makes
me sound like a jerk,

but I'm seeing a side of him
that I'm not crazy about.

Well, you guys haven't
been together long.

If you're already seeing
things that worry you,

jump out of the plane now
while it's over water,

not later when it's over
rocks and pointy things.

I don't think I can do this.

Well, make up your mind,
'cause his attitude

is starting to affect Beverly Rose.

We were on a walk yesterday,

and I said, "Hey, look
at that pretty sunset,"

and she said, "Eh,
they're all the same."

♪ ♪

Whaddya say, whaddya know?

What is all that stuff?

Well, this would suggest I'm
gonna throw something away,

while this would lead one to believe

that I'm gonna cook something for you.

Dan, I told you I was fine.

Chuck Jr.'s on his way over.

We both know that he's not.

Look, I don't need anybody
checking up on me.

Hey, I'm not anybody.

I'm your best friend, and yes, you do.

Anne-Marie's my best friend.

Yeah, she is.

And she'd kick both our asses
if she saw how you were living.

What's going on, Chuck?

How'd you let things get this bad?

You know how it is when you've
been married a long time

and you split the responsibilities.

She cooked the meals, paid the bills,

and cleaned the house
and raised our son,

and I changed the oil in
the cars and went to work.

If I remember correctly,

she went to work, too.

It's amazing more women
don't m*rder their husbands.

You know, in the beginning,

you pretend that you
don't know how to cook

and clean stuff like that
so you don't have to do it.

- [Chuckles]
- Then after a while,

you... you forget how to do it,

and then... God forbid you need to.

I hear you, brother.

I'm pretending all over
again with the new wife,

but she doesn't just get
impatient and give up on me.

She keeps teaching me and
teaching me until I get it.

It's infuriating.

I'm telling you, I was
trying to figure out

which button to push to
wash my clothes yesterday.

That damn machine shrunk my
underwear and played me a song.

[Laughs]

I'm scared, man.

I guess that's part of the reason
I haven't cleaned this place.

I spend all day thinking about, what...

what if I lose her?

Yeah, there's something
about going to the kitchen

to tell her something funny
that only she would laugh at

or something only the both
of you would remember...

... she's not there.

Dan?

Yeah?

Shouldn't you be saying stuff like,

"She's gonna make it
and it's gonna be okay"?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't I say that?

- I thought I said that.
- No, you didn't say it.

Well, I'm gonna say it now.
She's gonna be fine.

Of all of us, Anne-Marie knows

you can't possibly survive without her,

so she's gonna hang on
and let you go first.

Well, I've drank enough beer
and ate enough hot dogs.

I'm doing my part.

I got something here
that might help you out.

Well, what is that? Oh,
it better not be a poem!

It's not.

It's a list Rose made for me

of how to do all the stuff
in the house she did

so when she'd get mad and
yell at me for not doing it,

I couldn't say I didn't know how.

It starts, "Dear useless man... "

I'll make you a copy. You got a printer?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What?

Anne-Marie's the only one
who knows how to use it.

[Snorts]

Here ya go. Becky should
be here any second.

- Good. I need to talk to her.
- Um,

she said you're writing a book.
I wrote a novel once.

Really? Good for you.

I had all kinds of problems.

Yeah, that wasn't my experience.

As soon as I sat down to the laptop,

it was just pouring out of me.

I don't think I could have
stopped it if I wanted to,

but I guess I was just some vessel

for something that the
universe wanted out there.

Wow. That's every writer's dream.

- Yeah.
- I bet your book was amazing.

Uh, nah, apparently, the
universe wanted pages

of incoherent crap,

but, again, I-I was just the vessel.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I assume the college called
and gave you your job back.

They did.

The dean said you felt guilty
about letting me take the fall

and that there was no relationship,

and it was all your fantasy,

and that you texted about things
that never actually happened.

Why'd you throw yourself under the bus?

To get you your job back.

And all they did was
put me on probation.

You belong in the classroom.

You were like a fish out of water

and it was so hard watching you
flop around all over the place.

Thank you.

I was just starting to
get traction on my book,

but this is good, too.

So, I guess we go back to dating
on the down-low again, huh?

No, we can't.

We had a close call and
we have to learn from it.

Do you think we should
stop seeing each other?

I think by your question,

you know the answer.

No, I don't.

In your heart, you do.

I really don't.

If you think about it, you do.

I thought about it, and I don't.

Yes! We're breaking up!

So, that's it? It's just over?

Oh, Glen, you're a great guy.

We're just... star-crossed lovers.

I'm sorry.

Oh, this is too hard. You should go.

I ordered some pie.

Would you like it to-go?

I guess I do now.

Hey, Jackie?

When you bring Glen's pie, uh,

could you also bring
a piece of my heart?

- In a to-go box.
- Oh, to-go.

I really don't know what happened here.

Um, I'm all out of pieces
of Becky's heart,

but I did slap a piece of
cheese on there for you.

So, out you go.

♪ ♪

Hey, Chuck. Good to see you, buddy.

- Hey, hey.
- What's the occasion?

Well, I'm hoping Anne-Marie'll
be home soon,

and I'm just hanging out with you guys

until my woman gets back and
I can blow you all off again.

Plus, Anne-Marie's gonna
need somebody else

to do the cooking for a while,
so I'm teaching Chuck

some of your mom's
secret family recipes.

Secret recipes?

What are you making?

Um, boiled weenies on white bread.

And the secret is, your mom
didn't know how to cook.