04x06 - Kicks Get Chicks

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to the annual
All Valley Tournament board meeting.

We are, of course, missing Daniel LaRusso

as current senseis
cannot serve on the board.

But we have a lot to discuss.

Last year's tournament was epic.
It's time to take it to the next level.

We want to make sure
that karate in the Valley

gets the respect
and the honor it deserves.

Can we please just calm down
and keep this professional?

- We cannot spend money we don't have.
- Enough of this bullshit!

Oh, it might be bullshit to you,

but some of us
actually care about tradition.

Oh, don't go there again, George.

Clearly the blue mats
led to a surge in attendance.

- Come on!
- Why would we go back to red mats?

As you can see, our core demo
are middle aged men and their sons.

But we have seen an uptick
in young female interest.

We need to speak to that audience.

How about instead of karate
we put on a baking class?

It's a wonder
you've been divorced three times, George.

Ooh! [chuckles]

I've said it in years past,
and I'll say it again.

We have a vibrant
and active community of local celebrities.

What about a grand marshal?
Or a musical performance?

One of the dads on my son's fencing team,
he's a talent agent.

Oh God. This is the Malcolm-Jamal Warner
debacle all over again.

We all had egg on our faces that day.

First of all, this is nothing like that.

- I'd go through the proper channels...
- [scoffs]

You couldn't get Louie Anderson
to show up for a free buffet, Ron.

- You're out of order, Daryl.
- You're not a judge.

- Why do I have this gavel?
- Not anymore.

- [woman] Just put the gavel down.
- Drop this thing right now!

You drop it!

[grunting]

[grunting]

[Gavin] Let me get something straight.

We're sanctioning an event
where boys are encouraged

to kick and punch girls?

Have any of you thought for a moment
this could be perceived as... problematic?

Remember, this proposal
will revolutionize the tournament.

This is our legacy.

By a show of hands,
do we all agree on the changes?

[dramatic music plays]

The motion passes by unanimous support.

It's time to step into the future.

Send out the letters.

God help us all.

[grunting]

Easy. Save some for Cobra Kai.

If we're ever allowed to stand up to them.

[grunting]

Hey, everyone, gather round. I have news.

The All Valley committee just announced
big changes for the tournament.

What kind of changes?

Well, see for yourself.
It's a whole new ball game.

- They're introducing skills competitions?
- Yep.

Kata, board breaking, weapons display?

And there's gonna be
a separate girls' division. So that means...

There'll be two All Valley champs.

What does that mean
for the bet with Cobra Kai?

There's a Grand Champion trophy
for whichever dojo wins the most points.

All I know is the girls' division is mine.

That just leaves the skills and the boys.
I'm counting on you guys.

Who, us?

Yeah, we're a bunch of Rudys.

Sure, we're good
for the occasional inspirational moment,

but we're not exactly center mat material.

- We were better off with Miguel and Hawk.
- Or he who shall not be named.

Rhymes with "Dobby."

Look, I know
you're missing some of your friends.

And of course I wish Robby was here.

But it's time to put the past
behind us, all right? Don't worry.

By the time the tournament comes around,

you're gonna realize this was
the best thing that could've happened.

This is the worst thing
that could've happened.

Skills competition, bullshit.

Kata isn't karate. It's dancing.

What's this girls' division?
Thought they were all about women's lib.

They ought to man up
and take a punch like the rest of us.

Sensei, it sounds like
we could use some female students.

Fine.

Do any of you know any girls?

Of course you don't.

- There's this girl from the debate team.
- Debate team?

We need K*llers, not more nerds.

All right, go run some laps.
Maybe it'll jog your memories.

Try not to breathe too much.
There's black mold in the corner.

Look, Sensei, I-I know
things got heated at Miyagi-Do,

but with these new changes, I think
having Sam on our team would really help.

Maybe if you talk to Mr. LaRu...

I have nothing to say to him.
We're better off without him.

It's time for us
to take care of our own business.

We'll find a girl champ, don't worry.

- All right, now get running.
- Yeah.

Ah, this is just...

Perfect.

First LaRusso
and Johnny Lawrence split, now this.

Manna from heaven, baby.

Neither have the fighters
to compete in both divisions.

We're gonna win this tournament
before it even starts.

- [man] Where would you like this?
- What's all this?

Top-of-the-line gear to go
with our new state-of-the-art equipment.

These kids need to see
we settle for nothing but the best.

[Kreese chuckles]

Now is the time
to show our strength and reinforce.

May I?

Cobra Kai is gonna be the only destination
for karate in the Valley.

I want our logo on billboards, T-shirts...

And on the backs
of both All Valley champions.

Now we're talkin'. [chuckles]

You're a hard girl to find.

Avoiding your Auntie Kandace now,
sweetheart? Ignoring my calls?

Yeah, what do you want?

Well, to see you, of course.

And to ask
if my sister's disability came in yet.

What, need funding for another scam?
That money's for us.

Come on. My sister always promised
to take care of me. She taught you better.

She taught me
to recognize a low-class leech.

Mind your manners.

When your mom kicks the bucket,
who do you...

Ooh. Quick temper.

Just like your old man.

When your mother passes... gracefully,
then what?

You think your daddy's
just gonna show up out of the blue?

I'm all you got.

You don't give a sh*t about us.
You want her survivor benefits.

I was at little Bobby's
fourth birthday party just last year.

Brandon is eight.

And next year I'll be 18.

Hey. Who do you think's
gonna win a custody battle, huh?

You're a high school dropout
and a criminal.

- So are you.
- Yeah, but I know how to play the game.

A judge is gonna take one look at you

and laugh you straight outta court.

See ya at the funeral, sweetheart.

Tick tock.

[whistle blowing]

Okay. This is it. This is where
most of the girls' teams practice.

- Sure you'll be able to convince 'em?
- Please.

When I went to this school, the only thing
I was better at than karate,

and I was pretty good at karate,
was talking to chicks.

Watch and learn, Diaz. Watch and learn.

[cheerleaders chanting]

Teen girls wanted.

You gotta be under 18 or it's a no-go.

No, not like that!

Let me guess, posting photos on Facebook?

You know what photos would look rad?

A photo of you
kicking someone in the face.

We meet out
at the old Webber Industrial warehouse.

We're looking for badass chicks
just like you.

An abandoned factory

smack dab between the pipe supply
and the b*rned-down Chuck E. Cheese...

- Trust me, the chicks are gonna love this.
- Hey, too much!

You gotta get it into every groove.

It's about molding highlights
to emphasize curvature.

Hey, ladies, wanna work up a real sweat?
Where's your beach ball?

Here's the beach ball.

Try Eagle Fang Karate,
the most bitchin' dojo in the...

Valley.

And the best part is we have
a whole stable of hot young dudes,

like my man Miguel over here.

You like what you see?
He's not even in the top five.

We got babes and everything,
whatever floats your boat.

I'm asexual.

All right, he's a sexual too.
Check him out. Total stud.

So what do you say?
You ready to become an Eagle?

[whistle blowing]

I don't get it. I thought girls today
were supposed to be tough.

- Why can't we find anyone for our team?
- Maybe not everyone needs karate.

Especially girls
who are already on sports teams.

[Moon] Hey, Miguel.

Hey, Moon, what's up?

Some perv was creeping on the track team
so we're gonna practice inside.

- What are you doing here?
- [Miguel] Recruiting for our new dojo.

Eagle Fang Karate.

Yeah. You know, you should join, actually.

Really? Okay. Yeah, that sounds like fun.

Wait. Do... Do I have to hit anyone?

Hell yeah, you do.

Oh, no, then I-I'm out. I... I can't do
the whole physical aggression thing.

You should ask my ex.

Hawk? Yeah...

[Moon] No, my... My other ex.

She's the best athlete in school
and she's not afraid to get into a fight.

Sounds like the badass babe
we've been looking for.

Yeah, you might want
to take a different approach with her.

Want some pointers?

Absolutely.

[doorbell chimes]

Hold on, I'm coming.

Oh. So you're knocking this time.

Mrs. LaRusso, I... need your help.

Okay. Come on in.

You remember the way?

So the principal said
he'd consider letting me back into school

because of my situation at home,

but your family would have to sign off.

Well, I'm glad
you wanna get your life back on track.

Going back to school is a big step.

- But I need you to promise me something.
- I'll stay away from Sam. I swear.

That's great. But, um...

[inhales]

I want you to get support.

Talk to someone.

You've been dealing with a lot.

You have been. For a while.

You should... talk to a therapist,
a guidance counselor,

the Dalai Lama, it doesn't matter.

Just someone who isn't karate related.

I... Whatever it takes, I'll do it.

[door opens]

I need this.

So today was a setback,
but the boys, they're gonna improve.

You're gonna be fighting
lots of new opponents.

- And...
- [Samantha] What?

What the hell is she doing here?

[computer game music playing]

- Where the hell have you been?
- How'd you even get in here?

Uh, your mom's left the key
under the gnome since kindergarten.

You should think about
increasing the security given,

you know, the karate w*r.

- But that's not important now.
- What's so important?

Didn't you hear? The All Valley
has separate gender divisions.

I mean, do I look like Miyagi-Do's
best hope at defeating Robby Keene?

I mean, Mr. LaRusso says that anyone
can be the hero, but I'm not Batman.

I'm more like Alfred.

You're Batman.

Oh right, I forgot, you're not a DC guy.
Whatever. Forget Batman, you're the Hawk.

Yeah, not anymore. So...

Hey, at least it looks better
than the last time I saw it.

Everyone at school knows what happened.
It's embarrassing.

Who cares what they think?
Besides, it'll grow back.

It doesn't matter.

I ruined my reputation, talked a big game,
and just proved I was an assh*le.

To Moon, to Miguel,

and especially you.

I got what I deserved.

Hey, I forgave you, remember?

And I don't care
if you have a Mohawk, or a mullet,

or pigtails,

Miyagi-Do needs you.

I'm not going back to Miyagi-Do.

That's great. You're choosing Eagle Fang
over your best friend.

I'm not going back to Eagle Fang either!

I-I'm done with karate, man.

I quit.

[dance music playing]

- I mean, she's fast, she's strong...
- [Johnny] Girl's a natural Eagle.

Oh, which one is yours?

Well, that one looks good to me.
Haven't talked to her yet though.

I'm still working on my approach.
Got any advice?

- Okay, remember what Moon told you?
- Yes, I will be awake.

Uh, no. No, no, no. Be woke.

Hey, Piper. I wanted
to introduce you. This is...

Sensei John Lawrence of Eagle Fang Karate.

Let me tell you why my dojo is perfect
for a modern young woman like yourself.

We live in a world
where you gotta be an alpha to survive.

You're either a k*ller
or you're dead meat.

You gotta be a man.

At Eagle Fang we confront that phrase
and make it empowering for all.

We teach anyone who identifies as female
to embrace their queenly strength

and tear down the neo-masculine hierarchy
to confront internalized sexism.

Sounds inclusive. But what about
non-binary and gender fluid?

Yes, fluids are crucial.

If you don't hydrate,
it affects performance.

- [Piper laughs]
- And he's funny.

Well, actually,
I have been meaning to join a dojo.

I don't wanna be the last person
who doesn't know karate.

Then today is your lucky day.

[girl] Hey, Piper. Come check this out.

- Okay, cool. I'll be there.
- [Johnny] All right.

I can't believe you pulled that off. Did
you know what any of those terms meant?

Do I look like I pee sitting down?

What were you even thinking?
She didn't smash up the house enough?

I know this is difficult, but...

You wanted her to go to jail
and now you want her back in school?

I don't want this rivalry
dominating your life anymore.

Dad can't get along
with his high school rival

and I'm supposed to go to school
and be best friends with a psycho?

Johnny's and my differences
have nothing to do with...

Yes, it does. Because you guys
just do whatever you want.

You don't stop to think
that maybe I liked training with Johnny,

or I don't wanna get
my face torn off again.

As long as she's in school,
she has something to lose.

She's not going to hurt you.

You're just gonna believe her?

You'll listen to what she has to say,
but nobody listens to what I have to say?

God!

[Amanda sighs]

- Thanks for the backup.
- Hey, Amanda.

I mean, she has a point.
Why are you helping this girl?

Did I tell you
about the time I was arrested?

- Sure. What? It was a high school prank.
- [Amanda] Right.

And by "prank," I meant I took
a baseball bat to my math tutor's car.

With her in it.

You... what? Why?

She was having an affair with my dad.

My parents' marriage was falling apart,
I thought the world was ending,

and I blamed her
for taking it all away from me.

I know you didn't get along
with your dad, but I did... I had no idea.

I was charged
with misdemeanor reckless endangerment.

I didn't walk my graduation.

And then my parents divorced anyway.

Why did you never tell me?

Just worked hard to put it behind me.

And it's not exactly a first date story.

Or an any date story.

I was young and upset.

And I'm lucky it didn't ruin my life.

Tory's young and upset.

- And maybe she's a lost cause, but...
- We'll never know if we don't try to help.

All I want to do
is try to break the pattern, Daniel.

Kids like Tory get the same messages
delivered to them over and over again

the same exact way.

Sometimes they just need a wake-up call to

change course.

She's not the only one
who needs a wake-up call.

[computer game music plays]

You can't quit.

I already told you, I made up my mind.

Hey, you're the one
that got me into karate, remember?

I was perfectly happy
playing Dungeon Lord after school,

but you put me in a situation
where I had to join a dojo.

And you know what?

It was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I got stronger, gained confidence,

got the girl of my dreams...

Even if she ends up leaving me
for some hot Aussie dude she meets there.

Hell, I'm actually excited
about the All Valley tournament.

I never thought I'd say that.

But it's not gonna be as exciting
if you're not there.

[computer game music plays]

Okay, you're gonna make me do this.

Excuse me...

You said you deleted these.

Oh, I say a lot of things.

Which tends to be
a polarizing attribute of mine.

[dance music plays]

♪ Demetri and Eli, binary brothers ♪

♪ One or a zero, we'll be your hero ♪

- ♪ Binary Brothers ♪
- ♪ Binary Brothers ♪

- ♪ Binary Brothers ♪
- ♪ Binary Brothers ♪

- Why are you showing me these?
- Because this is who you are.

A loser?

My best friend.

I know you think that
that Mohawk defined who you are,

but it didn't.

Not to me.

Eli, Hawk...

hell, call yourself Cornelius
for all I care.

None of that changes the fact
that you're my Binary Brother.

Whether you're number one, or a zero.

[door chimes]

[man] What's up?

[door opens]

Robby.

Of course.

- This'll only take a minute.
- [Robby] I can save you that minute.

You realized you're training
a bunch of wimps

and you need a male champion.

Let me guess, your sales pitch is,
"I'm here to rescue you."

"This isn't who you are, Robby.
I can help." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I've said all that before.
It's time to break the pattern.

I heard what you did to Eli.

- I just gave him what he deserved.
- I'm not here to judge you.

I'm here to tell you
what's gonna happen to you next.

Terry Silver popped up
out of the blue, right?

He did the same thing to me.

He'll seem decent enough,
show you a few moves,

and then he'll worm his way in.

Chip away at you.
And push you past your limits.

You'll become stronger
than you thought possible,

but Silver won't stop there. Okay?

This man is sick and twisted,

and when he's done with you,
you won't be you anymore.

One day you'll find yourself
with some kid's blood all over your shirt

and you'll hope
it's not too late to change course.

He's not interested, Mr. LaRusso.

New equipment just got in.
Why don't you go check it out?

[somber music plays]

It's considered unethical
to poach students.

You had your opportunity with Robby,
now he's with us. You should respect that.

Respect. Res...

You are not a sensei.

You're a con man.

Manipulating people to turn them
into something they're not.

I didn't turn you
into anything, Danny Boy.

I brought out what was already inside.

That's bullshit. You tortured me.

[Silver chuckles] Please.
You were a hothead.

All I had to do was wind you up
and get out of the way.

And...

if you're being honest with yourself,

you know you liked it.

You were powerful, free.

You just don't wanna admit there's always
been a little Cobra Kai in you.

We'll settle this on the mat.

And when we win,

Cobra Kai, and you,
will be out of business.

One of us will be.

[man scoffs]

If you're gonna use this place
as a conference room, buy something.

T-Take your time.

[sirens wailing]

All right, so she's a little late,
no big deal. Just a few minutes.

Uh, 20 minutes, actually.

Okay, uh, look, I-I'll DM her.
See where she is.

Okay...

- Oh no.
- What?

Uh...

[tense music plays]

[laughter on video]

[girl on video] Cool!

Nothing but the best for the best.
Can't wait to kick ass with Cobra Kai.

She joined Cobra Kai?

Uh, looks like they made designer gear
for all the new students.

- They got a bunch of new recruits.
- Yeah, great.

That was a big waste of time.
I even learned feminism.

We can't give up.

If we want first place,
we have to compete in the girls' division.

With who? We don't have Cobra Kai's money.

We have no chance at finding a champion.

I wasn't a champion when you met me. Okay?

You made me one,
saw something in me that no one else did.

Maybe you just have to see that
in someone else.

We just have to think outside of the box.

[sighs]

Everybody start thinking outside the box!

Whatever that means.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Sam?

Surprise?

I can't believe
you drove all the way to Santa Barbara.

I can't believe you live in Santa Barbara.

- Your house is beautiful.
- Thanks.

My dad got a job offer from UCSB
that he just couldn't pass up.

Wait, so the fight at school
had nothing to do with it?

Oh, it had plenty to do with it.
My parents were pissed.

I broke a kid's nose.
Who knew these things were lethal weapons?

You didn't drive two hours
to talk about the butts I've kicked.

What's going on?

It's just that Tory wants
to come back to West Valley.

My parents want me to be cool about it.

We're talking about
the same overprotective LaRussos

who made me wear a helmet
on your trampoline?

She sold them some sob story.

I just feel like
I don't have control of my life.

When I started my new school,

there was this girl
in my homeroom, pink for days.

Looked like she walked out
of a Malibu Barbie beach house.

She gave me a look that I'd seen before.

I just knew
she was gonna be my next bully.

But I wasn't gonna let
the cycle repeat itself.

So I walked up to her,
and you know what I did?

Is this gonna be
another front wedgie story?

I introduced myself.

I told her I liked her shoes.

I didn't, but it seemed
like the polite thing to do.

[Samantha chuckles]

I told her I was new,
asked if she could introduce me around.

How did that go?

[Aisha] She's my bestie.

My new school bestie.
You'll always be the OG.

[chuckles]

I att*cked my problem head on.

I struck first.

Just like Johnny taught you.

My parents moved here
to get me away from the karate drama,

but they can't stop me using the lessons
I learned from Sensei Lawrence.

I set my own terms.

Set yours.

Capital punishment is a legal penalty
of the US state of California.

As of March 2019,

further executions are halted
by an official moratorium

ordered by government officials.

What are you doing here?
Debate was for nerds.

It is. Which is why we're ditching it.

You're right. I'm not giving up
on the girls' competition.

- I'm thinking outside the box. Look.
- Okay.

- Sensei, uh...
- You ever see the movie Ladybugs?

I had to sit through it
with a babe, long story.

Anyway, this coach,
the guy gets no respect,

he's got this all-girls soccer team
that totally sucks.

He gets his stepson to dress
like a chick and they start winning.

- You want me to dress like a girl?
- What? No.

I need you to win the boys' competition.
I'm thinking of Penis Breath.

Not the best fighter, but he stands a sh*t
against the chicks. What do you think?

A lot of things.
I don't know where to start.

[girl] My opponent is full of crap.

His evidence is garbage,
his arguments don't make sense,

and I was bored to death.

Which is ironic, considering
we're debating the death penalty.

Uh, you're not gonna deduct points
for lack of decorum?

Screw decorum.

Wanna know what I really think
of the death penalty?

- [grunts]
- My book!

Choke on it.

[clears throat]

I cede my time.

Sensei, that's the girl I told you about.
She loves extracurriculars.

Can it, Bert.

I just found
the most badass girl in the Valley.

[rock music plays]

[recording of crowd noise plays]

Gentlemen, welcome
to the All Valley tournament.

I know you've been in fights before,
but a tournament is different.

There's no backup coming.

It's just you,
on your own, in the spotlight,

with the crowd cheering your name.

Demetri, be the hero. Come on.

The spotlight is yours.
Everyone you know is counting on you.

- I'm the hero.
- [all] Meat, Meat, Meat! Meat, Meat, Meat!

- Meat, Meat, Meat, Meat, Meat, Meat, Meat!
- Ready?

- Meat, Meat, Meat, Meat, Meat!
- Fight!

Hi-yah! [grunts]

[grunting]

- [Demetri] Dammit!
- No! No. That was great.

That kick was awesome, all right? You just
have to be careful you don't expose your...

Well,

look who decided to come back.

It's good to see you, Eli.

Or is it Hawk?

Oh, doesn't matter. I'm just here
to do what I can to help out the team.

That's good.

The more help, the better.

But first, you need a gi.

Good to have you back, man.

[uplifting music plays]

Oh, hey. I didn't know you were in here.

I didn't want to interrupt your boys club.

Hey, Sam.

- About yesterday...
- No, Dad, it's fine.

You and mom were right.

It's time to leave
the past behind us, right?

Yeah. I'm proud of you, Sam.

It's never easy being the bigger person.

[tense music plays]

Okay, you're good to go.

[girl] It's her.

I heard you let me back in, LaRusso.
So I guess I should...

I don't know what game you're playing,
but I'm not scared of you.

You're not in control here. I am.

My parents might fall for your bullshit,

but if you so much as look at me funny,
I will kick your ass for a third time.

I'm coming for you, bitch.

[dramatic music plays]

[upbeat music plays]