04x03 - Fall Guy

[bunniefuu]

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm gonna need a refill.

We don't do that.

You do it for Mountain Dew.

It's not the same.

Haven't I seen you at our games before?

Yeah, suck it! Are you serious?

-Hey!
-You're a cheerleader, right?

-Can you do something about your friends?
-Hey, ass-face!

Hey, you d*ck!

There you go.

Oh! Bull's-eye!

Get out!

That's right. Better keep running.

Pigs.

Smarter than dogs, right?

Still gross.

Yeah, so are my friends.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

What?

Every time I hear this song, really weird things happen.

Look, I can't be responsible for anything I might do, okay?

* I want a girl With extensions in her hair *

* Bamboo earrings, at least two pair A Fendi bag. *

-Stop. I need that back.
-It's okay. Don't worry. I got it. Look.

* I need an around the way girl Around the way girl *

* She's the only one for me *

-It was Elizabeth, right?
-Beth.

Well, I'm Dean.

I know.

-You do?
-You're the quarterback.

Yeah, I know.

Don't worry about this. I got it, okay?

Can you hear me?

How'd you sleep?

I didn't.

This was this morning.

Jane went to school full Elsa.

Kenny's in Kalamazoo at his tournament.

Do they know?

Not yet.

And the accounts are frozen, so.

you might be here a minute.

Tell me one thing.

Was he part of it?

Beth.

The whole time?

I love you.

We're finished here.

I'm going to fix this. Okay?

-I promise.
-How?

-That from the minibar?
-Mmm-mmm.

Is he talking?

So it's a coincidence that you're eating corn nuts

which are now gone from the corn-nut slot.

You can take 'em from my room.

-Get anything out of him?
-Not a word.

-Get me in there.
-What's the point?

-You're already getting a new office.
-I am?

-Outta the basement.
-Window?

-Pack your bags.
-Five minutes.

Take the W and call it a day.

-He's protecting her.
-Why would he do that?

-He has no idea what she's gotten into.
-They've been married for years.

So have you.

What's that?

Your wife has no idea who you've gotten into.

But I do.

Because he's a real chatty Cathy.

Are you. really doing this?

Just give me five minutes alone.

-Didn't know you had it in you.
-But I know everything that's been--

All right, all right.

Enough. You've got your five minutes.

Leave the money for the corn nuts on top of the minibar.

So I'm sure you all have a lot of questions,

and I am going to do my very best to
answer each and every one of them.

Where's Dean at?

He is at a hot tub conference.

A very important one.

-Are we in trouble?
-No. No, no, no.

Just a little misunderstanding.

.with our taxes.

Can we FaceTime him?

-Ooh.
-No, there's not real good reception in.

-North Pole.
-Yeah.

He's with Santa?

Uh.

So if you'll all just hang tight, we will have this all cleared up

and we'll get back to work in a jiff.

Does this count as vacation days?

Think of it like a snow day.

Just enjoy yourself.

Take a little me time.

But you're still paying us, right?

-I miss Gayle.
-When's he coming back?

Uh, as soon as it's over.

When's that?

When he's done.

-When's that?
-Who wants another slice?

He really screwed the pooch, huh?

Anything I can do to help my homie, let me know.

Where is our mom?

She's, um. helping your dad.

I need a loan.

For what?

Bail.

Yeah, that's not my thing.

I need to get him out.

Nah, you need a fall guy, if you're ever trying to make money again.

It's not his fault.

Told you to be smart, right?

-I was.
-Then how'd they get your books?

He didn't know.

Why he's the perfect fall guy.

He didn't do anything!

That's what makes it beautiful.

Got nothing to say.

Look, they'll cut a deal.

Three years Club Fed.

-What about my kids?
-Visitation.

What about me?

Your boy'll come back in better shape than when he went in.

-Might even want to hit it again.
-There's got to be a way to get him out.

Do the crime, do the time.

But nothing ever sticks to you.

Yeah, I got luck on my side.

Maybe you do, too.

What's that mean?

Sink that eight ball, corner pocket, I'll cover his bail.

I don't play pool.

And I don't do loans.

Like that?

Yeah, just like that.

Just hit it straight, okay?

Ha! I did it!

Lucky sh*t.

No, a deal is a deal.

Yeah, you're right.

Take it out of the cut you owe me.

The place is swarming with Secret Service agents.

So?

So I can't wash and I definitely can't print. We're shut down.

That's why you need a fall guy.

Mom boot camp.

That's what you get for exercising.

The bitch made me do her nails.

Don't they have to tell you if they're cops?

Only if you ask.

That's not a real thing.

And she's Secret Service.

How's Deansie holding up?

He doesn't have his mouth guard or his sleep apnea machine.

And his cellmate is in for trying to set a guy on fire.

That good, huh?

Ugh. Pink flavor.

He can't be my fall guy.

It can't be you.

-It should.
-You have four kids.

So does he.

Ugh. Orange flavor.

Stop biting into all of them.

What psycho gets somebody fruit chocolates?

A hitman.

The man is sending you chocolate now?

I mean, kind of.

He wants me to go on a job with him.

-Where?
-Fiji.

Maybe if these were caramels.

I wish he'd just put a b*llet in me.

At this point, you're looking at a little pickle-tickle.

-What am I gonna do?
-Over the pants. Real fast.

About Dean.

We'll figure something out.

It's either him or me.

Is it?

Isn't it?

OnFirst ,people call in to confess to crimes they didn't commit.

Why would anyone do that?

I don't know. Weirdo loners with nothing to lose.

Maybe being convicted gives 'em some purpose.

Huh.

"Swimming, tennis, art classes."

What kind of resort is this?

Not a resort, exactly.

Damn it!

Can you take that upstairs?

I mixed the trapezoid with the rectangle again.

I'm conducting business.

-Your aunt's gonna send me back down.
-She's napping.

You're allowed in the parlor till : .

It's my room, too.

So what's the dealio?

Think of it as a fresh start.

We would pay off all your credit card debt

and throw in $ , for your trouble.

Paid in installments.

Why would you do that for me?

Well, you'd actually be doing it for me.

It's a jail?

With benefits.

Except for the part where you. can't leave.

But. But I hear the library is exquisite.

I know this is a huge ask,

but you're the one who said you wanted to help out your homie.

You want to pay me more money than I've ever made in my entire life

to have my own room, unlimited TV privileges

and vegan-friendly meals on an all-male campus?

What's the shower situation?

Um.

Probably group.

How do we get this party started?

Um.

-Just confess, I guess. Right?
-Yeah.

Well, I. I think he might actually need to do more than that.

What do you mean?

Well, they have Dean's name on all the accounts,

so he may need to. get caught with something way worse.

You know, just to make sure.

Damn it!

Chillax, man. You're gonna wake my aunt.

You remember when calculators used to take double-A?

Remember when our calculators were our brain?

Ugh. This was supposed to be the smart school, right?

Maybe they're doing bigger math.

Yeah, but who just has a lithium ion just laying around?

A physicist? Cyborg?

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

I need to borrow some money.

Okay.

It's. more than you got on you.

What's going on?

And I'm gonna need it in ones.

I'm not stealing from the club.

It's for Dean.

-Why do you need ones?
-To get him out.

Beth put you up to this.

-I offered.
-Why?

Because when you were in jail, she did the same for you.

Maybe there's one of those batteries in my watch.

Stan, toss me the aloe.

Okay.

I think Mindy used it all.

I got pole-burn bad.

How about some ice?

That's my song.

-Take it easy out there.
-Thanks, Stanimal.

Hey, buddy.

Yo. Gene.

Got a sec?

Uh, yeah, man. I was about to head back out to the floor.

George'll cover you. Have a seat.

All right, always make time for the boss.

So what'd that wife of yours make you for lunch today?

Uh, what was today? Uh, penne pasta with those little green balls.

-Peas?
-No, not those, the other ones. Uh.

-Capers?
-Yep. There it is. Those things.

-She treats you pretty good, huh?
-Yeah, she's the best.

We treat you okay?

Uh, yeah.

You happy here?

Hey, man, I'm glad to have the job, you know?

-Good to hear, buddy.
-Yeah.

So there's no reason you'd be upset with me.

-What?
-You'd tell me if you're having problems?

For sure.

-I got your back.
- %.

You got mine?

'Cause something's not adding up here, you know?

A few weeks ago, that thing with the bank truck burning up?

-Oh, yeah, that was crazy. That was.
-Yeah. Crazy.

Crazy how much it cost me.

What, doesn't insurance cover that stuff? Or--

I have to keep 'em in the champagne room a little longer.

Yeah, that's why you the king, man.

Can't have it happen again, though.

Not on my watch.

I hear you loud and clear.

All right.

Oh, whenever's good for you,

I'd love to hear about them private parties

you've been running behind my back with my girls.

Now is good.

This is currency. Like, top dollar.

You could trade it for anything.

Supplies, TV time, protection.

Who are you?

I know your wife.

I want a lawyer here.

Chill, I just gave you a bunch of ramen.

I had this friend in high school.

Super cool.

-Captain of the cheerleading squad.
-Hmm.

.always had the newest jeans, the most expensive makeup.

Everyone wanted to be her, including me.

She threw the best parties and I would bring the wine coolers.

I was, like, in.

We'd go to the movies, the mall.

We were besties before people used the word "besties."

And then my parents took away my fake
ID and she stopped calling me back.

What's your point?

Women like your wife, they use people.

And when they're done, they throw 'em in the trash.

So you don't know my wife.

I know the wrong person is sitting across from me right now.

So what?

I just need something on her.

Without it, you're gonna need a lot more of these.

So what's it going to be, Mr. Boland?

Hey.

Is your sister home?

Doesn't want to see you.

Did you give her any of my messages?

-Hates your guts.
-She said that?

Thinks you're a total loser, regrets ever looking at your ugly face,

and wishes you'd just die.

Hmm.

Brutal.

Yeah, so can I just go talk to her?

What's it worth to you?

Wow.

Okay. All right. Fine.

-Four bucks?
-That's all I got.

You can owe me.

-Deansie's here!
-No one calls me that.

Annie.

Mom needs you.

What are you doing here?

I called you, like, five times.

I've been busy.

-You haven't been at the games.
-I got a lot going on.

-I thought we were cool.
-We are.

-'Cause if I'm way off, it's totally okay.
-It's not that.

I don't want to look like a d*ck.

-I can't find her meds.
-Be right there.

It's not you.

Gotcha. So it's definitely me, then.

-It's not either of us.
-It's okay. Don't worry about it.

I was going to ask you to prom, but it's all good.

-You were?
-I don't want to put any pressure on you--

I'd love to go.

Uh, okay.

Cool.

Yeah, cool.

Mrs. Boland, he doesn't want to see you.

Turns out if you make a fart noise
with every math problem he gets right,

he can focus.

Got your bills.

How'd it go?

Piece of cake.

I'm gonna pay you back.

It's just going to take a second.

No rush.

Really?

You good?

Just thirsty.

At a certain point, you don't really need the glass, do you?

Had a day.

He'll get over it.

What if he doesn't?

You've done way worse.

I'm a monster.

I mean, he stuck around after you bone-surfed the guy who sh*t him.

The kind that climbs skyscrapers and destroys cities.

Yeah, well, at least your kids are still talking to you.

-Because they don't know.
-Ben won't even look at me.

Maybe they've all just had enough of us.

God, we are monsters.

Incoming.

Last dance, ladies.

Let's make it a good one.

Not too good.

You sure about this?

It'll work.

Looks legit.

It's not.

Our worst batch yet.

Your one-way ticket to Shangri-la.

All right.

See you hotties on the other side.

I'd like to open a new account.

Certainly, sir.

I'm just going to need you to fill out a few forms and a valid ID.

Thank you.

Um, just to let you know, we do require a minimum balance of $ .

Oh, that won't be a problem.

Uh, what are you doing?

Giving you , smackeroos to babysit.

Um, anything over ten grand we have to report to the IRS.

Ooh.

That'll be a problem.

Thought it might be.

So how about we do ten grand in ten different accounts?

Um, we don't do that here, sir.

Okay, okay.

Nine grand in nine different accounts, and.

you keep this for yourself.

-Is there a problem here?
-Uh, yes, there is.

-I'm being profiled.
-Excuse me?

-She won't take my hard-earned money.
-How is that profiling?

Mustache?

That's not a thing.

Sir, we're a family-owned bank.

Then take my money. It's good.

We really don't want any trouble.

Go ahead, test it yourself.

Why would we need to do that?

Been in there a while.

-Can we please just go?
-No. I wanna watch.

Well, I don't.

I feel bad enough as it is.

Shh. Listen.

Here we go.

Show them the money.

Ooh! It is on!

Oh, boy, he's getting worked.

Was that necessary?

Fell for the honeypot.

Okay, what are they doing now?

All right.

What?

Uh-oh.

I go in the back.

Hey, I go in the back.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

What the hell?

What happened?

Think I got robbed.

By cops?

She's stable now.

We had to sedate her to pump her stomach. She'll be out for a while.

Any other family I should notify?

It's just me and my sister.

Your mom's going to be okay.

I went to pick you up.

Oh, God.

What'd she say?

That you didn't want to go.

At least not with me,

'cause I'm the dumbest, ugliest tool that's ever lived.

I'm going to k*ll her.

But bucks later, and here I am.

You didn't have to come.

Got you something.

You look great, by the way.

So do you.

Pfft. Yeah, oh, I know.

Um, do you want anything from the vending machine?

No.

Okay, good, 'cause.

your little sister took all my money.

Here's a thought.

Oh, boy.

I go right back in there,

grab that guard's g*n, sh**t up the place.

-Why?
-Get their attention.

So then they put you in jail with Dean, and not instead of.

Oh.

Plan C.

-Please no.
-Try a different bank.

And deposit what? Those crooked cops took everything we made.

Maybe they'll realize it's fake and come back and nab him.

No. They didn't even look at my ID.

Okay. What's plan C?

-Track those guys down.
-The cops?

We pull in front of their cruiser, jam on the brakes.

They slam into us.

Bam. Airbags go off.

We hop out, shatter their window.

-Get the keys to the trunk.
-Make it stop.

How can it possibly be this difficult to get you arrested?

Because I'm invisible.

What do you mean?

I've been that way my whole life,

smack in the middle of nine kids.
You get used to being left in a hot car.

That's terrible.

All kind of changed for me when the D-Man got hired.

Brought me to lunch with the rest of the crew, called me Eric.

-What did everybody else call you?
-Scott.

I see that. He's got a Scott vibe.

-Mmm.
-Anyway, lunch becomes work drinks,

and the next thing you know, I'm finally a real person.

They don't make them like Dean Boland anymore.

But I don't need to tell you that.

I know.

-Plan D.
-No more plans, Eric.

Thank Jesus.

What do you want me to do?

Nothing.

Hey.

I made breakfast for dinner.

I'm not hungry.

-What are you doing?
-You are going to eat this.

-Can I go to the bathroom?
-You love breakfast for dinner.

I ate at Mark's house.

Oh. A lacrosse buddy?

What do you want?

I want you to talk to me like a normal person.

You're not a normal person.

Then talk to me like you want me to be your mom again, like--

-I don't know what that means.
-Like you don't hate me so much.

'Cause, you know.

if you.

If you're unhappy here, you.

you could always stay at your dad's more.

You think I hate you?

You haven't talked to me in three days.

Doesn't mean I hate you.

Okay.

I love breakfast for dinner.

Me, too.

-Makes sense, though.
-Hmm.

Just for, like, practice and school and stuff.

What?

Staying with Dad more.

Oh, yeah?

Nancy would never go for it, though.

She's, like, so OCD with Dakota.

-I could talk to her.
-Really?

Why not?

I can just come back for some of the weekends.

If that's what you want, yeah.

Not that I want it.

It'll just save a lot of time going back and forth.

Cool.

I still gotta pee.

Yes.

No classes today?

I don't really teach boot camp.

I don't really sell hot tubs.

Yeah, I know.

Mommy! Look how high I'm going!

Wow! Like an astronaut!

It all started about a year ago.

I robbed a grocery store.

It was supposed to be one and done.

Don't you want to record this or something?

Doesn't matter.

Why?

Your husband pled guilty today.

Mommy! Mommy, watch me!

Jesus!

Your elderly neighbor was getting
curious the longer I stood at your door.

Why does everyone think they can let themselves into my house?

These things are easy to find once you know what you're looking for.

-I'd offer you a drink, but.
-All set.

I can't go to Fiji with you.

Why not?

Huts over the water,

looking at the fish while you sip your cocktail.

Nothing but privacy.

-I'm in a little bit of trouble right now.
-Perfect time for an escape.

-And I have kids.
-Happy to make arrangements for them.

I hear your husband's going to be tied up for a while.

-Put down your tea.
-Pardon me?

Get naked.

-What?
-Let's go.

-Now?
-Why? Need a pill?

I've got to pick up my kids soon.

-I think there's been a misunderstanding.
-Really?

Because you have made it very clear
that this is exactly what I need to do.

Not like this.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I supposed to enjoy it? Maybe fall in love with you?

End up on some remote island so you can
live out your twisted midlife crisis?

I thought you wanted.

more.

From you?

From your life.

Oh, and I need a man to do that?

-What do you want?
-To be nothing like you.

-A little late for that.
-Why?

You hired me, remember?

Then why don't you pull up your pants like a big boy

and do your job?

Well.

It seems I read this all wrong.

I'll fulfill our contract when I get back.

Thank you.

Hide this under a real rock.

-'Sup, Hill?
-'Sup, Hill?

Can you grab some lemon pepper on your way home?

Hmm. I might be a little late tonight, baby.

Weren't you lunch shift today?

Yeah, boss got me doing some extra.

Okay.

Should I do Cajun?

That sounds good.

I'll throw your plate in the oven.

Hug those animals for me.

Everything okay?

Yeah, just in the middle of something.

All right, boo.

Okay, see you later, baby.

What's for dinner?

Chicken.

Nice.

This won't take long.

So what's this guy look like, man?

He's a little bitch.

He alone?

-No, he lives with his brother.
-And what's he look like?

A big bitch.

What if they don't give me the money?

Don't come out till they do.

I got a family, man.

Should have thought about that before you messed with mine.

Car on or off?

Put on my yacht rock playlist.

* Girl, girl, you're so hard on me *

* Girl, girl, you're so hard on me *

* Girl, girl, you talk to me *

* You tell me lies And you set me free *

* Turn my home to your castle *

-I miss Daddy.
-Me, too.

Does he miss us?

Always.

Why won't he call us back?

Dad is not at a conference.

Where is he?

-Hi!
-Hi!

I love your pigtails!

-Did you do them yourself?
-No, Mommy did them.

Is there a fence? And if you touch it, will it zap you?

What's it like in there?

-Are they nice?
-I've made some pretty good friends.

I have my own room.

Can we get ice cream when you're done?

As much ice cream as you could ever possibly eat.

* Girl, girl, you're so hard on me *

* Girl, girl, you're so hard on me *

* Girl, girl, you talk to me *

* You tell me lies And you set me free *

* Take me by the hand *

* And try to understand *

* You can't make it alone *

* No, no You can't make it alone *

* Turn to the dark with your faith *

* All at once you're in another place *

* You can't make it alone *

* No, no You can't make it alone *

* No, no You can't make it alone. *