04x07 - Carolyn with a Y

[bunniefuu]

Let me ask you all something.

What are we doing here?

Like, right now?

I mean, this operation.

Yes. You.

Trying to. get the bad guy.

Ah. How?

Yes! Yes, go ahead.

Uh, by following the money.

And what would get in the way of that?

Um.

If you don't. what?

We don't.

If you don't.

Show up on time?

-'Cause today we got here before you did.
-No. No. Uh-uh.

If you don't tell us.

that you're screwing the target.

Yeah! Why didn't you tell us?

Um, because I'm not.

Your wire would disagree.

Okay. I'm not screwing anyone, all right?

Except your friends, if you wanna keep this deal.

You did it with him again, dude?

Not "it."

Then what?

You know, the other thing.

Did it involve your vag*na?

Sort of.

And his. penis.

No!

So, his, mmm.

No.

So, his, uh.

Okay, I was trying to distract him.

By trapping his fingers.

Because he was going to see your wire.

Unbelievable.

In hisabuelita'shouse.

I really don't care how many bases you rounded.

They just call her "Grandma."

Oh, the boss, right?

How was I supposed to know?

Now we're right back where we started.

-None of this is my fault!
-What are we supposed to do now?

'Cause we really need this deal.

You are back on the bench.

One of you two will have to pinch-hit.

Now, I'm getting confused

because the baseball stuff is blurring with the sexy stuff and.

No part of that man is getting any of this.

Her wire is still hot.

Anything good?

Well, Grandma lovesTwo And A Half Men.

Um, she's totally sick of C.P.K.

And her foot doctor appointment's on Tuesday.

What about our guy?

Oh, he's gonna need her.

Just don't ask me to wear a wire again.

What were you guys talking about?

Hey.

Little Money wants me to cut the crusts off now.

Thought about how we gonna sell these things?

You ask me, it's the best part.

All right. Check this.

Mmm, that's swank.

Four bedrooms, open floor plan, mad curb appeal.

-Yeah, who's staying there?
-We are.

-It's right by Harry's school.
-Mmm-hmm.

With all those rich moms,

it's the kinda place you buy a top-notch purse.

If you got two G's a night.

One of the girls at the salon cleans these pads in between guests.

-Won't they know we don't live there?
-Not if we say we do.

Nah, I can't fake that kinda money.

All these b*tches care about are their houses, their charities,

and what everyone else has.

Exactly.

Okay, you can just be my arm candy.

Hey, it's your ass on the line.

-Beth can't be a part of this.
-Okay.

-She makes everything about her.
-You're right.

-You're not hearing me.
-I am.

-She does whatever she wants, whenever.
-I know.

-Rules don't apply.
-Right.

Then a b*llet in your other knee. I'm back in jail.

-And she's living large.
-Yes.

She can't even hear about this.

I agree.

-I'm talking about Beth Boland.
-Yep.

-Your homie.
-Got it.

-Really?
-She doesn't tell me everythingshedoes.

Oh.

Okay. Good.

They were out of Windex.

That boy is onto something.

That's good as hell.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Mugs?

Sit down.

I was really hopin' for more of a to-go kind of coffee situation.

Just, uh. Just lay it on me, bruh.

You were right.

Hmm, exciting. About what?

-I wanna pull Ben out of St. Anne's.
-Wait. What?

I don't want him to turn into a rich d*ck.

-But you wanted him to go.
-I changed my mind, okay?

What, now that he has friends?

This place is evil.

He has teachers that love him.

-They'll love him in public school.
-What about lacrosse?

He can play lacrosse anywhere.

-He just got into the playoffs.
-Fine. All right.

Fine. But you deal with all the birthday stuff.

What does that have to do with anything?

Remember Keela Shuggert's birthday last weekend?

The Swifty karaoke?

Mmm-hmm. Turns out it wasn't a theme party.

Taylor Swift actually showed up.

Taylor Swift came to a -year-old's birthday party?

Yeah. And she played the whole album.

-Did she do "Out of the Woods"?
-The whole album.

-What about "Clean"?
-The whole album. Okay?

All of it. Every single song. Then she stayed and ate cake.

-My God.
-Yeah. Yeah.

So, what's Ben gonna expect for his birthday? Selena Gomez?

You think she charges by the song, or by the hour.

I don't care. That's not the point. The point is,

Ben can't think this is what birthday parties are.

He can't be a d*ck.

No. So we gotta pull him out.

-Right.
-Stat.

What's faster than stat?

I don't know. You'll figure it out.

Hang on.

-Well, you gotta tell him.
-Why me?

'Cause I'm eatin' the tuition.

Jesus.

-This sucks.
-Yeah.

They forgot to put the cinnamon in it. That's what it is.

Hey, I fed the kids fish sticks, but I told them it was mozzarella.

We should, uh, get Kenny to cut his fingernails.

Why? He looks like a wizard.

Are you going out?

Yeah, I'm gonna run some errands.

Like.

Like errands?

Why are you whispering?

It's just your hair and your makeup and you smell good, you know.

No, I don't.

Is this, like, an op?

-Okay, between us.
-Yeah.

-You can't tell.
-I won't.

Swear on Emma's life.

Can I swear on Kenny's?

-Seriously.
-I'm sorry. Yes.

I won't tell. I promise.

I'm going to the grocery store.

What are you drinking?

-Something strong.
-Oh, come on, now.

So, dinner was, uh.

fun, yeah?

Parts of it.

We got a problem, though.

What's that?

Grandma was pissed we missed dessert.

-What'd you tell her?
-That you're a fan, too.

Tell her thank you.

-One more thing, though, yeah?
-Never mind. I'll just write her a note.

I need a bank.

Maybe try your mattress this time.

A safety deposit box would be even better.

Not when your husband's under house arrest for laundering money.

That's why it can't be you.

What about the other girls?

Nah. Same kind of heat.

Okay, who's it supposed to be?

It don't matter.

Long as they're in mom jeans, no one will think twice.

Why jeans?

'Cause a dress like that draws the wrong kind of attention.

She's not a mom.

She just needs to get him to talk about his money.

-She doesn't look like a mom.
-They record that, and boom!

-She doesn't even walk like a mom.
-Racketeering, tax evasion--

'Cause she's not a mom.

Shehasa mom.

No gummy bears before night-night, little fella.

Don't run with scissors, tiger.

I'm just gettin' my mom on.

Hmm?

We're so gonna die.

How hard can it be?

Literally nothing gets past this guy.

So, teach me.

-How many kids?
-Two.

-Names?
-Tom and Sally.

'Cause it's .

-Bryer and Julian.
-Okay.

-Bryer with a "Y."
-How old's Julian?

-Um. Um, one and a half.
-Quick.

In months.

-Always in months.
-What?

Everything under two years is in months.

Over two years is in years.

-Why?
-Never ask why.

-Why?
-Only kids ask why.

Let's go again. Start from the top.

Now it's a mom bag.

When's bedtime?

: . : .

I go to bed at : .

Trick question.

There's no point in setting one 'cause they'll never listen.

Hmm.

Do you wanna live?

It's so gross.

-It's : . What are you late for?
-School pickup.

Just pickup.

How many times are we gonna go around this?

-No one says "school."
-Okay. Just. Pick up.

Oh, no, don't give him that. It's too much sugar.

The bad kind, not the good kind.

You know what, give him the sweet potatoes in the fridge.

I puréed them myself. Don't use the pouch.

I started adding tarragon to introduce spice.

Sorry I'm late.

Marty doesn't know what to feed the kids.

Just do bath time and I'll be back in time for stories.

All right. Love you. Bye.

So, Julian has a temp. .

And a rash which I was freaking out

'cause I thought it was measles 'cause he just had his MMR,

but turns out it's roseola,

which Bryer never had. She did have foot-and-mouth,

so I thought it was that at first, but I was wrong.

Poor little monkey. Mmm.

Anyway, I forgot to write down what the pharmacist told me to get.

Where is that pen? Oh, sh**t.

Ah.

Here it is.

She's ready.

Did you fix it?

It wasn't broken.

Danny said he couldn't do his book report.

Well, all he had to do was replace the ink cartridge.

What is the Aqua Joy ?

It's the most powerful home spa on the market.

Yeah, but why does it say that we bought it?

'Cause we did.

-We need it.
-You said no one needs a hot tub.

That was before my wife decided to go all Donnie Brasco on us.

What are you talking about? This is money we don't have.

For starters, it's very loud, right?

So if you and the girls ever need to get into a conversation

you don't want others to hear--

No one's listening.

How do you know?

Because I'm the informant.

I can't risk it, okay?

You?

Yeah, me.

I'm taking all the risk.

Well, I have the most to lose.

But we don't need this.

Well. I need Nevada.

Here she is.

-Hey.
-Morning, ladies.

-Morning.
-I added the chunky necklace.

It's great, right?

-No.
-It's not. It's bad.

Beep twice if you can hear me.

Showtime.

Is it in the salt and pepper shaker?

All of it.

Can he hear when I talk into the condiments?

All of it. Yeah.

Beep three times if you can hear me.

-Oh, my God. Damn.
-Hmm.

-Up, ladies.
-What?

Can't seat you till your whole party's here.

He's just. He's parking.

Actually, I spoke to the manager
yesterday about reserving this table.

Well, he ain't here today.

We really need this table.

So do those folks.

But there's, like, other tables in here.

This is their favorite.

What if we ordered for him?

-Don't count.
-Why doesn't that count?

Because we don't seat tuna melts, we seat people.

Okay. We're not actually here to have lunch.

Well, what the heck you doin', then?

-Ladies.
-Hmm.

Round of Arnold Palmers? Thank you.

And you can just leave out the iced tea from mine. Thanks.

So. lemonade.

-This is my friend.
-I'm Carolyn. With a "Y."

Oh. So, how do y'all know each other?

-Pickup.
-Garden class.

I mean, well, I know her first from school.

Yeah, she was the only other mom who would rosé all day with me, so.

And then she did wonders with my perennials.

-Stop.
-You did.

You should see what she can do with a topiary.

You'd be like. Psh!

I run a small landscaping business

when I'm not schlepping Bryer and
Julian off to playdates, and Gymboree

and toddler tunes--

Then we've all been great friends ever since.

Yes.

Cool.

Way cool.

So, she's trying to grow her business

which makes her sort of perfect for our arrangement.

So, what do you want me to do?

Well, I don't know about you guys,

but, um, I can't talk shop on an empty stomach.

Oh.

Y'all ready?

Ready if you guys are.

-Sure.
-Yeah.

I could be ready. Just.

Uh, I'll do a BLT. Bacon extra crispy, please.

White or wheat?

Surprise me.

I'll just take a Cobb salad.
In fact, do you guys all just want Cobb salads?

-Yeah.
-Mmm, yummy.

-Read my mind.
-Love Cobb.

Thank you.

So.

What, do you wanna just have her stash a bunch of cash.

Oh, um.

Miss, could you wrap all that to go for us?

Thank you.

Where are we going?

To her house.

Oh.

Why?

You know, you never know who's listening around here.

Well, we could go to my house.

-Way closer.
-It's, like, right.

-Yeah.
-Sounds good.

Nah.

I wanna see her place.

How much further?

Uh, just ahead.

And then?

Just a few blocks.

Hey, why don't we just talk in here?

Yeah. I mean, it's just us.

-Super private.
-We're close?

We're here.

They're in here somewhere.

Ha.

Could just knock.

Oh, my husband's sleeping.

At noon?

Yeah, he's not feeling well. Yeah. He got it from the kids.

Yeah, what did the whole soccer team.

Must've left them inside.

Ugh, that's a shame.

Why don't we go to the park?

-Oh, dine al fresco.
-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they have those, you know, picnic tables.

He's up.

-Again?
-I know. Sorry, babe.

Gonna have to put 'em on those big wooden sticks like at Starbucks.

So, when did you move?

-Recently. Yeah.
-Oh.

Ruby didn't mention it at the recital.

No? Well, yeah, this is real recent.

-Oh.
-Mmm-hmm.

Where is she, anyway?

Oh, she's on her way. Try some cheese. It's real good.

-Can I get you a refill?
-Ah.

How'd you guys get the wholesale hookup?

Uh.

He would be upset if I told you.

You know Louis Vuitton?

Try some cheese.

-Mmm?
-Mmm.

-Some more?
-Is that real?

A -point buck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, he never felt a thing.

Ruby offered to volunteer at my animal rescue.

Yeah. The poor guy. He got hit by a gravel truck on I- .

-Oh, my God.
-Yeah.

We thought this was the best way to kind of honor his life. Yeah.

-What about the other ones?
-I'm sorry?

Truck k*lled the whole damn family.

Oh.

Try some cheese.

Sorry. I didn't expect company.

You got a glass?

Next to the fridge.

Right or left?

Right.

I mean. I meant my right, not yours. That's.

So, how does this work?

I bring you a duffel,

you keep what's inside till I need it.

What do I get?

Holding fee.

Sounds fair.

I'mma need a key to the box, too.

Okay.

Tomorrow. Noon. Your bank.

Send her the details.

-Oh, I wouldn't drink that, by the way.
-Why not?

Expired a week ago.

That's it. It's over.

We got him, right?

No. He got us.

-He just laid it all out.
-That was practically a confession.

I found this place ten minutes before you guys got here.

-You didn't have time to wire it?
-I barely had time to text you.

Oh, God.

So it's not over.

Excuse me?

Is it safe?

Oh, yes. I am so sorry about that.

Everyone, meet Irene and Phil.

Your country thanks you for your service.

You have a very lovely home.

My aunt in Nantucket.

Dang! It's archway after archway.

Are you kidding me?

It's like the damn Taj Mahal

if it had two ovens.

Turkey in one, mac and cheese in the other.

Change the whole Thanksgiving game.

How'd we do?

You mean how did I do?

I had a situation.

Do you know how hard it is to pretend you're someone you're not?

Every day.

Yeah, well, I'm not used to having two ovens,

two sinks, two dishwashers--

They got two dishwashers?

-Two fridges, too.
-Dang.

Your pal, Michelle.

She was asking me who our interior designer was.

-What'd you say?
-Jovan.

-Who the hell is that?
-That cologne you gave me for Christmas.

-Jesus.
-You threw me to the wolves.

It was a situation.

-So yours is worse than mine?
-The life-and-death kind.

Or is it because she always comes first?

Well, it looks like you did just fine on your own.

Well, I'm short.

How?

Didn't sell enough. Priced them too high.

Well, we'll have another party.

And what am I supposed to tell Gene?

That it's coming.

Well, then that might put me in a situation.

Life-and-death kind.

What's that? A caribou?

Two of everything.

Hey. Soft serve.

So not fair.

Well,pardonnez-moi. We were out of foie gras.

It's about school.

Oh. You know, it's funny. I actually
wanted to talk to you about that. Um.

Dad won't let me go to DC.

Why?

He says you don't actually learn anything, it's just a giant party.

Duh. That's why field trips were invented.

I will literally be the only one in my grade not going.

Okay, and?

And I wanna be with my friends.

Well, maybe this is a chance to, like, make some new friends.

-What are you talking about?
-Just take a breath.

-Have some pâté de Annie.
-Mom. Tell me.

I will talk to your dad about DC.

Really?

I mean, it's DC. We can't be lettin'
down our Founding Fathers, can we?

-It's kind of your constitutional duty.
-Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm?

-Sick nails.
-Nancy did 'em.

You mean her fancy person.

She doesn't come anymore.

What, she's slumming it at the salon?

She's doing it herself.

You mean, like at home?

Bought me Cosmic Blue, on Amazon.

Why does the cheap stuff always taste the best?

They're having money problems!

The kids.

She's doing her own nails, hasn't been to Whole Foods in months,

and she's picking up her own takeout.

Who?

The Duchess of Winchester.

Who's that?

Nancy. Greg. Hello? Otherwise, why would I be so excited?

Wow. Imagine how excited you're gonna be

when you drive by their tent under the freeway.

Ugh, amen to that.

Um, how are you all doin'?

You know, money-wise.

Well, I'm not in a tent.

Yet.

Can you spare any this month?

What's goin' on?

I got some extra bills.

How much?

-Six grand.
-Jesus!

-What did you buy?
-Another Jazzy?

We're hustling these janky-ass purses
for Stan's boss and I'm short. Okay?

What?

How many scams are you runnin'?

Why does it matter?

Because it's kind of weird that you didn't tell us.

It doesn't involve you.

It kind of does if you're doing something sketch.

-We do sketch stuff every day.
-Because that's part of our deal.

We do so much sketch stuff, I don't even know what's sketch anymore.

.which we won't have if they find out you're doing something sketch.

She does kind of have a point.

I mean, excuse me, but what about your sex tape?

-Not the same.
-It's exactly the same.

-I did that to protect us.
-'Cause rules don't apply when it's you.

You think I wanted to do that?

Way to take a finger for the team.

I can see it from that perspective.

Would you please take a side already?

So, what happens if you don't get it?

That'd be bad.

How bad?

Like g*ng friend level.

You're really gonna do this, huh?

What do you mean?

I just thought things were different now, that's all.

If Carolyn makes you f.

I know she can be a lot, so I've got other friends--

She FBI or Secret Service?

She's a mom in my gardening group.

I found the wire.

BehindPelican Brief.

Don't.

Don't do that.

Open the glove.

Hand it to me.

*If I had my life *

*To live over *

*Again *

*I would truly take you *

*For my love *

*Again *

*Oh, how I'd love you *

*Over and over *

*Over and over *

*Over again *

*Yes, I would love you *

*Over and over *

*Over and over *

*Over again *

*One lifetime *

*Isn't long enough *

*To be with you *

*I'd need more time *

*To give this love of mine *

*That I have *

*For you *

*Then I would love you *

*Over and over *

*Over and over *

*Over again *

* Yes, I would love you *

*Over and over *

*Over and over *

*Yes, over again *

*Over, over again *

You blew it, Carolyn.

And so now, whenever I plug my phone in,
it's "I'll Make Love To You."

Boyz II Men.

I play the thing one time for this
bitch who can't get going without it,

and now it's all I hear.

Had that happen with "Mambo No. ."

Yeah, stuck with her forever.

Song herpes, am I right?

-How'd we do?
-Well.

I hate to say it.

but I'm afraid you crushed it.

-Good.
-Wasn't easy.

Should make you guys partners in the club, too.

Hey, that. that would be awesome.

I said I should, not that I would.

But what I am gonna do.

Appreciate it.

.is invest it back into the company.

What company?

Our fake handbag company.

-We'd just rather take our cut.
-It's gonna be big, though.

Yeah, we're all set.

-Like Apple or.
-Our loss.

-Facebook.
-Hey, that's all you, man.

You sure?

Yeah. Real sure.

So, you don't wanna be the next Google?

We'll take our chances.

You know what?

I care about you guys too much to let you do that.

We don't have any real investments.

-That fool's going down.
-Yeah. Right.

Oh, no.

-Sit down.
-Mugs, huh?

You loved that eighth grade field trip to DC.

You had that insane hookup with Melissa Thomas at the Smithsonian.

Yeah, right by Lincoln's hat.

There's only one reason why you wouldn't let him go.

Is this drip?

Get used to it.

Nancy tried to grow the business too fast.

What's the damage?

We're totaled.

Want some cream? It's free.

What about school?

It'd be nice if he could finish out the school year.

He loves his d*ck friends.

Yeah, and those d*ck parents.

Maybe. Maybe I can try to help with the tuition.

It's not cheap.

Really? 'Cause I thought a school named after a saint

would be free to all.

You make minimum wage.

It's more than you now.

I'm never gonna live this down.

No, you are not. I am just getting started.

Bad day?

Wanna turn it around?

Hop in.

Tell me all about your bad day.

'Cause they.

.won't hear a thing.

Come on!

Yes, ma'am.

Oh.

So, what happened?

It's complicated.

I didn't have a choice.

You got one now.

The way I see it, you got the angel on
one shoulder and devil on the other.

Damned either way.

So, what's it gonna be?