04x09 - Chef Boyardee

[bunniefuu]

*God is playing marbles *

*With his planets and his stars *

*Creating havoc through my life *

* With his influence on Mars *

*That's why I'm rolling down the skyway *

* On my cosmic wheels. *

Another bad dream?

Banana or blueberry?

-Just plain.
-Boring.

Which one was it?

Want juice?

Zombies?

Tornadoes?

I made coffee, too.

Kidnappers?

They came in through the basement.

-I lock the door every night.
-They kicked it in.

I'd wake up.

But you don't when that's out.

Nothing's going to happen to you, okay?

-How do you know?
-Because I'm your dad.

-Can we get an alarm?
-Don't need to.

-Jenny got one.
-Her dad's an accountant.

Hey.

Don't burn my pancakes.

*Instead of stumbling down this highway *

*On my boots of steel *

*Cosmic wheels *

*Cosmic wheels *

*Cosmic wheels *

Councilman.

-Got a minute?
-Always. Please.

Order up.

Can we get some more of these wasabi things?

There's a charge for refills.

Oh. No, no, no.

There's still some dust left.

Is everyone a criminal in this city?

Maybe you should slow down.

-You can't get drunk off these things.
-We're not on vacation.

Not anymore.

Mmm.

Don't look.

-Why did you look?
-To see what I wasn't supposed to look at.

What happened to our meeting?

Would you like one? Uncle Sam is treating.

I want to know what's going on.

DC pulled the plug.

Why?

-Clearly he's got someone on the inside.
-I can still get him.

First night I get here, I'm about to hit the hay, right?

I see a spider in the bed.

Damn thing runs away under the sheets before I could get him.

I get my phone out, I rip the place apart, nothing.

But that little bastard, he's under there somewhere.

Hiding, waiting.

You think I'm ever going to get back into that bed again?

-Where have you been sleeping?
-Bathtub.

It's just not safe.

-What about my deal?
-Drink.

-What about my husband?
-Drink.

-What about our money?
-Drink.

There goes Ben's school.

-Stan's out of work.
-Since when?

Since we put away his boss.

-Well, what happened to the girls?
-Heaven and Cinnamon went back to Arby's.

Oy.

Dean's gonna go to jail.

-They can't do that.
-Can't they?

We have to get to Nevada.

-How?
-They bailed on us.

We have to get there ourselves.

Are we talking about "Nevada" Nevada?

It's a metaphor.

Because I'm not remembering Nevada's exact extradition laws.

If this is about Deansie--

Mexico, Thailand, wherever.

Who's going to foot those moving costs?

You still have those bags?

What you doing?

I'm getting these babies ready for market.

-Why?
-What do you mean, "why"?

We don't owe Gene anymore.

Still got bills.

Some of the girls want to do private parties.

Can't make a living being a freelance heavy.

Hmm.

Yeah, all right, I hear you.

Unless we could move a few of these.

Gotta move more than a few.

There's only two of us.

Not necessarily.

-No.
-We need help.

-No.
-She helped you.

No.

Luck didn't lock Gene up.

No.

We owe her, Stanley.

Hey.

How was the game?

Do we have razor blades?

That bad, huh?

DIY screen repair.

Step two, scrape off excess.

-Did you score?
-I didn't play.

What? Who did they put in? Brad?

Don't know.

Ugh.

The coach is, like, so in love with him.

I'm gonna quit.

What?

I want to sell all my gear.

-Why?
-To pay for karate.

What are you talking about?

I know I have to go back to my old school.

-I'm so sorry, bubba.
-It's okay.

-Promise?
-I still follow some friends from there.

Okay.

And it's closer. I can bike.

-Yeah, that's true.
-Classes are way easier, too.

You'll, like, totally be valedictorian.

But. don't sell all your gear just yet, okay?

They don't have lacrosse.

I know, but we could find you a club team.

-I'm gonna need the karate anyway.
-Why?

Last time I was there.

I wasn't Ben.

So Vance says it's all about your base.

They build up enough contacts here,

we'll have a little wiggle room to grow my business

once we get to Nevada.

That sounds like a plan.

Yeah, so, I had Carlene send me all our old contacts

from Boland Motors and Bubbles.

-That's smart.
-Yeah.

-What?
-Mmm.

-I don't want to jinx it.
-Oh, come on.

Just feel like this time.

we got a real chance.

Mom.

Mom, I gotta poop.

I'll run her home.

Oh, wait.

Are you sure you don't wanna hot bag it in the bushes?

Yes, I'm positive. Come on, kid.

Not a great time.

I'll make it quick, then.

Can we do this someplace else?

Oh, you haven't told him our good news?

I don't think he'll take it that way.

I need you to run a little errand for me.

They're never little.

Get me my funny money back.

How am I supposed to do that?

-Ask nicely.
-The cops?

Not them.

They'reyourcrew.

They're leaving.

Never a good time, is it?

I was just thinking before you leave,

we could, um, finally get that green juice.

I can even bring it to the hotel if that's easier.

I don't know if you got my texts, but, um.

Call me. Uh, okay, bye.

How do you even know the money's there?

I don't.

You're just gonna get her hopped up on green juice?

Could always roofie her.

Just to loosen her up, get her talking.

You know what a little errand is? Picking up the dry cleaning,

dropping off a dog at the groomer, getting milk.

Breaking into a hotel room to steal federal evidence

is a kamikaze mission.

It's su1c1de.

That is what kamikaze is.

That's exactly why we have to get out of this town.

Y'all ready?

Squad up, b*tches.

It's just something we say.

Mmm-hmm.

-Oh! Go ahead.
-Oh, no.

-You take it.
-It's your house.

It's my bags.

Oy.

-So, last time--
-I was thinking--

Last time we hit the third grade, now we do fourth.

This way we don't repeat parents.

Also, let's use a different house, because. got new prospects.

Oh.

What about Irish twins?

What about them?

Same parent. Could have a kid in third grade and in fourth grade.

-Not an issue.
-Making sure.

So I figured that we'd break this down into shifts

maybe over a few days.

And would that be the most bang for our buck?

Um, I guess we could double up in one day.

I mean, the whole school thing.

I mean, if it ain't broke.

Okay.

-If you see a problem.
-No, this should work.

She sees a problem.

No, not necessarily.

Real big one.

Just a little snag.

Hey.

I'm all ears.

It's kind of risky.

-Here we go.
-Why?

Well, who's on your mom chain right now?

A bunch of people.

And how many fourth grade moms are on there?

Um.

Not a lot.

-What's your point?
-Moms talk. A lot.

Mmm-hmm.

And it only takes one to smell a knockoff.

Or it's safer.

How's that?

If someone finds out, we can get ahead of it

as we're on that mom chain.

Or. they start another mom chain

so they can talk about you behind your back.

How many mom chains are you on?

Not a lot.

And then Harry gets kicked out of school.

-Come on, now.
-And we're all in cuffs.

-That's never going to happen.
-Why take the chance?

You know what? I'm just gonna shut up.

Stan?

You got a better idea?

It's whatever you want to do.

She's got a better idea.

Yes, indeed.

Here you go. What's up?

Yeah!

* No postcode envy *

* But every song's like *

* Gold teeth, Grey Goose Trippin' in the bathroom *

* Bloodstains, ball gowns Trashin' the hotel room *

* We don't care. *

Whoo!

* And we'll never be royals *

* Royals *

* It don't run in our blood *

* That kind of luxe just ain't for us *

* We crave a different kind of buzz *

* Let me be your ruler *

* Ruler *

* You can call me queen bee *

* And baby, I'll rule *

* I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule *

* Let me live that fan-- *

Hey. What the.

What the hell?

-Who are you?
-We are your halftime show.

Yeah, I think we'll stick with the main event.

If you want to see their goods, you're gonna have to buy ours.

We got all the brands right here.

So bust out that tip money, gentlemen.

-We paid for this party.
-Yeah.

No, you paid to get this party started.

-You can't do this.
-Oh, but we are.

Come on.

What do we do with these purses?

Give them to your wives or your mistresses or your girlfriends.

We really don't care.

All right. How much?

Start at two grand.

-What?
-Who carries that kind of cash?

Well, you guys always manage to find
it for the champagne room, don't you?

We accept all major credit cards, including Venmo and Apple Pay.

-Whoa, hold up. No.
-Come on over.

-Grab 'em while they're hot.
-No. What're you doing?

I need to see those goods.

Guys, put your money away.

Girls, put your clothes on.

Whoa!

Hey. It's pay-to-play, man.

The only thing we're paying for is some high-class ass.

Um.

-Sorry.
-Okay. Thanks.

Maybe next time there won't be a cop.

Fourth grade moms would have been way riskier.

Are you kidding me?

It's not that great.

-How many cars do you sell in a month?
-Three hundred.

Three hundred.

That is more than we'd sell in a quarter.

Mmm. Well, I learned from the best.

Aw, you always had the "It" factor.

Nobody would have ever noticed

if you hadn't pulled me up to the big leagues.

Best porter we ever had.

Okay. You ready?

Hydrator, toner, tightener. This stuff right here.

It's great for the circles.

-The dark circles under your eyes.
-I'll take one of each.

Wait. You don't want me to do the rest of my spiel?

Nah, I don't need to.

Yeah. I mean, you'll see. I mean, it's really solid stuff.

If you say so, I am in.

And when you respond the way I know you will,

we can even talk about other opportunities.

-I'm pretty busy right now.
-No, I know.

I'm just saying, in a slow month,

it's an easy way to put a little extra cash in your pocket.

Pyramid schemes aren't really my thing.

It's more of a. you know, community. Men supporting each other.

Ever think about coming back on the lot?

Ah.

Mmm, nah. It's not. It's not my bag anymore.

Friend of mine over at, um, Southfield Volvo

said they're losing one of their best sales guys.

Southfield, huh?

Hmm. I could put in a word.

-I'm my own boss now.
-Just get lunch with the guy.

Feel it out.

You know what?

Um, actually, I can just do all of this for you.

You don't need it.

Is that your phone?

Yeah, I think it's.

I think it's, uh.

.out of batteries.

I should really get going.

-I also need a copy of the arrest file.
-It should be there.

-It's not.
-Hang on.

I don't see it.

Maybe they threw it out when they threw out my case.

No. No, here we go.

Hmm.

Sign the release.

That it?

Why'd they throw out your case?

Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't be going home.

Pays to have friends in high places, huh?

Hey, Shel.

I'm not sharing this.

I need something from evidence.

She was someone's daughter.

Rather give you half my sandwich.

You're the best.

Order up.

This is a little embarrassing.

Hit me.

You've got kids?

Mmm-mmm.

Married to the city.

Ah.

My daughter, she's nine, she's a big MMA fan.

-Mmm! Who's her favorite?
-Anyone who kicks ass.

-The whole girl power thing. Yeah.
-Right.

So what can I do for you?

-Here you go.
-Mmm.

I heard you're the ticket guy.

How's that?

Word is you got the hookup for all the best fights.

Says who?

You can't be humble on Instagram.

-Office seats.
-Hook a guy up?

Those are usually reserved for donors, Make-A-Wish kids, you know.

What about murderers?

I don't know anything about it.

How'd they end up with a gangbanger tied to a homicide?

I guess maybe they scalped them.

One of the cancer kids?

Mmm.

Sorry, what was your precinct?

Fourteenth.

Mmm.

I'll see what I can do for your daughter.

-Appreciate that.
-Yeah. Have a good day, Officer.

You, too.

And I've been using the same shampoo bottle for a year.

Just add water and shake.

And I've never bought ketchup or soy sauce.

I have a whole drawer dedicated to freebies.

And I always order off the kids menu.

No doubt about it.

-You're poor.
-Yes.

-Maybe the poorest I've ever seen.
-Thank you.

But we can't grant you financial aid.

Have you gotten to the part yet

where we lived off a deer for an entire winter?

The problem is your drug charge.

I can explain.

That was because a man tried to r*pe me
and when I wouldn't let him r*pe me--

It's just school policy.

The thing is, Ben loves this school.

-We love Ben.
-Ben loves this school so much

that he's one of those kids that you see on a brochure

that you're sure has to be an actor because they're so happy.

But actually, Ben is so happy at school.

What about Ben's father?

Isn't there any other way?

Do you have a boyfriend? Domestic partner?

Okay, well, now you're just rubbing it in.

Is there anyone you get naked with regularly?

-That counts?
-If they share your address.

Oh!

Jesus.

I brought bagels.

DWP was jackhammering all night.

You want, uh, everything or poppy?

I gave you a house key?

Oh, I used the spare.

It's been a while.

Yeah, I've got. Sorry. So busy--

-Could've called.
-I lost my phone.

Still liked my TikToks.

Hey. Question.

You don't have any kind of, like.

Like a record or anything like that, right?

Huh?

You know, like drug charges or felonies, you know.

-What do you want?
-Nothing.

You only come over when you need something.

Excuse me for trying to have a nice breakfast moment

with my. boyfriend.

Wow.

All right. Seriously, why are you here?

Just. Here.

Fill these out. And for the address, just use mine.

Well, if I do this, you got to do something for me.

I'm not really ready for the tattoo thing.

Never come here again.

Okay.

And leave the bagels.

It's like my uniform, you know? I don't even work out.

Neither do I.

But I still put 'em on every morning.

That's why I focus on my accessories.

Because I may not feel great in my jeans,

but my bags, they always look hot.

I wish I could afford it.

Convince your husband that you need one.

He just sent me on a girls' trip to Chicago.

-Ooh, fun.
-Let's go, go, go! Come on.

-Get your snack. Move it.
-Stop running.

Go forward. Not gonna be late, okay?

Hey, hon. This is Beth.

Her oldest did Ladybug with Olivia.

I feel so bad I didn't remember that.

Please. It was forever ago.

She's selling these cute bags. Kim just bought one.

How do you know Kim?

Friend of a friend.

Mom, where are the nuggets?

In the freezer, where they always are.

No, they're not.

Excuse me.

What is this?

Never use your real info when booking strippers.

Do you want to get arrested?

I want you and your friends to all buy your wives a bag.

Or maybe you're just dumb.

No. Dumb would be thinking that I didn't record

everything the other night.

Hey, babe. We're out of nuggets.

I wanted to show you one more thing
because I forgot to bring the snakeskin.

-Oh, that might be a bit much for me.
-Come on.

You just have to channel your inner stripper.

Here it is.

So this is from a trunk show that we did the other night.

Let's just get it.

Babe, these are expensive.

Call it an early birthday present, huh?

Wow.

Someone won the husband lottery, huh?

I so did.

Uh, maybe the other guys' wives will dig them, huh?

You kidding? They'd love them.

I would really appreciate the referrals.

What are all these emojis?

That's everybody paying everybody.

That's confusing.

Okay, click there.

So that's everyone paying you.

You see? One emoji.

Is that a middle finger?

You did blackmail him.

Happy hour?

Very happy.

-She got the money.
-Well, not all of it.

A few guys want to pay in cash because they don't want it on record.

Cool.

-Can somebody read my bio report?
-What's it on?

Cellular organelles.

-Yeah, that's all you.
-Mmm-hmm.

You know I was the queen of cellular organelles back in the day.

Is your account @themhills?

Yep.

And.

that is your cut.

Must feel good proving me wrong.

Feels better to get the money.

Like that's why you did it.

What's your problem?

You.

-I'm sorry I didn't--
-Could've waited for the next party.

-I saved our asses.
-You went back there

as your ego couldn't take the hit.

Okay, let's not talk about ego.

Got ignored in your own home,

-all you wanna do is matter.
-.Mr. My Bags.

Excuse me?

You use whoever you can to get whatever you want.

-I got you your money.
-You got my wife sh*t.

And that's the least of it.

If you think that I would ever do anything to hurt her--

I think that you don't think about anyone but yourself, Beth.

Ready to go?

Yeah. Let me grab my jacket.

What are you doing here?

You want to have that green juice?

I'm kind of over it.

Good.

'Cause that's why I brought this.

I got work to do.

Is that your version of "gotta pick up the kids"?

Only, mine is real.

I'm not a total bitch.

I only do sh*ts.

Here you go.

-All right. Let me ask you something.
-You got a glass?

Uh, your choice. Mug or sippy cup?

-Never mind.
-Okay.

What do you know about cars?

-I know what I like.
-No. Like how they work.

Like why is a Cadillac good for one guy,
but a BMW is great for someone else?

I was really good at that.

You're a natural.

At cars.

Think I see where this is going.

You guys have been so incredible to me.

When you were little, what did you want to be?

Easy. Astronaut.

Stuntman.

-Okay, so?
-You didn't know anything about cars.

I know nothing about men's skincare.

I had a better chance at being an astronaut.

You have something here that you wouldn't have in outer space.

What's that?

This guy.

It's just not for me.

And look, I really hope that I can still bike with you and the guys.

Dude, you're my ride or die.

-Come on.
-Thank you.

Because you're mine, so.

You just write me a check for the product, we're good.

Oh, okay.

Um.

So, I knew this was coming, so I boxed it up.

-These are just the samples.
-It's all you gave me.

When you sign up, you commit to product for the year.

How much product?

I got a whole garage full for you.

-Maybe I'll give it another sh*t.
-Just gotta get your groove.

What's the deal with local news these days, anyways?

It's like, what's the point, unless you don't have a phone?

Because I'm pretty sure by the time you get home and it's : p.m.,

you've been reading all about everything
that's been happening all day.

It's kinda like, uh, when parents send you a meme after six months

and you're like, "Um, that's not funny anymore, guys."

She was smoking in homeroom.

I know. But why did you care so much?

It's the principle of the thing.

That's why you're so good at your job.

Secondhand smoke causes lung cancer.

You've always been a professional narc.

Mmm.

Then she told the whole school that I got genital warts from my dad.

I told her that in confidence.

Last part was a joke.

Oh.

Oh, come on.

You would've done the same thing to somebody like me.

I honestly probably wouldn't have even known you.

Mmm. Well, I definitely wasn't homecoming queen.

Me, either.

-Or on prom committee.
-Me, either.

Or cheer squad.

Okay, I was cheer squad.

Ah-ha!

-But I was kicked out.
-Partying?

Um.

-Manic-depressive mom.
-Sucks.

If it makes you feel any better,

I didn't make it to any of the dances, either.

Oh, I went to prom with my dad.

And do not even get me started on how useless the weather people are.

My husband hates my best friend.

So what I'm learning here is you're
basically a better person than me.

I'm not so sure about that.

Don't forget the hook.

Ooh! Oh!

There it is.

What's up? Now you're the coach?

I used to b*at your ass.

Was that when we were in diapers?

Well, what's up?

Come teach me something.

-Could get ugly.
-Good.

Let's see what you got, man.

-You good?
-Yeah.

-Hands like this, right?
-Yeah.

Oh!

Damn.

You pick up some moves at that Ochoa fight?

Kid kept dropping his hands.

-That could get you into trouble.
-Or draws 'em in.

What was that knockout like?

Boy got whooped.

Nothing like ringside seats.

Yeah, I could hear his whole nose explode.

How's that?

Come on, come on.

Kid got cracked.

Yeah.

Thing is, you weren't at that fight, right?

Too busy putting a b*llet in that girl's face.

Sometimes I work weekends, bro.

So.

you were just gonna, what, keep it to yourself?

That don't concern you, dude.

No, no. It does.

when a cop ruins my breakfast order.

I'll buy you some eggs. Come on.

Did you do it for her?

Huh?

Don't worry about it.

Oh, gangster Rio had to whip it out?

I got it covered.

Show the soccer mom how big it is?

She knows.

Right.

Aw, what's up? I wore you out already?

No, cousin.

Round two.

All right, come on. Yo!

What's that for?

A doctor.

That was quick.

-So, there was this electrical line.
-Uh-huh.

-For the streetlights.
-Cool.

And it fell.

Can I have that back?

-On my house.
-On your car?

I was fine because of the whole rubber tire thing,

but long story short, it ignited the gas t*nk.

And you're telling me this because?

-Hey.
-Hey.

You want the good news or the bad news?

Good.

You can stay at St. Anne's.

-How?
-Well--

Yo, you're out of Q-tips.

That's my toothbrush.

I'll get you back.

Roomie.

In case it wasn't clear, that's the bad news.

So, how'd you get it?

Just being myself.

Sometimes it's worth it.

What are you going to buy?

Something special for you.

How'd you get that?

Just being myself.

Monkey?

Thought Mom was picking you up.

You awake?

Mmm-hmm.

I never did it for her.

Okay.

I did it for me.

Okay.

What smells so good?

Chef Boyardee.

That Washington?

The Queen.

Ugh, I hate Canadians.