04x11 - Put It all on Two

[bunniefuu]

*I'm gonna stop being so gentle *

*Fill my head with blood and anger *

*It's been two months I'd die for an answer *

* Take your phone Dial my number *

*I'm still and I'm waiting, sugar *

*This is more than I can handle *

* Told you not gonna wait no longer *

* I wish, wish, wish I had you closer *

*If I meet you at the corner You see I can be much meaner *

Seven's the winner.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

Okay, wait, wait. Try it this way.

Okay, ready? Ready?

* Dial my number *

* Dial my number *

* Dial my number *

Oh, my God!

-Why do you keep winning?
-I'm trying not to.

I swear, I swear to God, I'm usually never, ever, ever this lucky.

Right.

Give me those.

Bets in, ladies.

-What do you think?
-Hard ten.

*Take, take, take *

* Take the phone Take the phone *

* Take, take the phone Take the phone *

* Take, take, do it *

* Do it, do, do, do it *

* Do it, do it *

* Take the phone Take the phone *

* Take, take, take the phone *

*Dial it, dial it *

*Dial it, dial it *

* Take, take, take the phone Take the phone *

* Take, take, take the phone Take the phone *

-* Do it *
-* Do it *

* Take it, do it *

-* Take your phone *
-* Take your phone *

-* Dial my number *
-* Dial my number *

* Dial my number *

* Dial my number *

How would we train thousands of pigeons?

We only need one.

One pigeon's going to carry all that cash across the border?

Well, not all at once.

Thank you, ladies.

Y'all k*lled it tonight.

Ugh. The launch sequence was all messed up.

What are you talking about? That was the best part.

Then it felt like no one got the crawling on the ground part.

Hello. Obviously an homage to Sandy B at the end ofGravity.

Uh! Love you guys.

-Bye.
-Bye.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Hey. What about drones?

Like the ones they use in Guadalajara for heroin?

It's easier than training a pigeon.

Yeah. And way less range.

Plus you better pray for perfect weather.

They have them at Hobby Lobby.

But you know it can fly in a storm.

Let's go tomorrow.

I'm busy.

Okay, and we can look into your bird, too.

No, no, I really am busy. I have plans.

Doing what?

Jobbie Nooner, baby.

Aren't you a little old for that?

You put an age on the Mardi Gras of the Midwest?

That's tomorrow?

Taking a me day. So sue me.

No, no, no.

You're going to a party on a boat.

that is literally on the border of Canada?

My buddy Tim just got out of rehab, and we always go, so.

Where you don't have to go through customs.

And there's millions of boats filled with tons of drunk people

who aren't paying attention to what anyone else is doing.

Okay.

Okay, yes. I see where you're going with this.

And it could work.

-What was your friend in rehab for?
-Meth.

They let him keep the boat license.

-When do we set sail?
-Going on a boat?

Uh.

Yeah, for a girls' trip.

-Where?
-Detroit River.

-Why?
-Girl stuff.

-Pedicures.
-Waxing.

It's like a day spa slash sunset cruise.

Sounds shady.

I think it's how they dodge all those health department codes.

Is this one of those spa days that ends
up with a b*llet in her other knee?

Just looking out for my wife.

A little self-care never hurt anybody.

I would never let anything happen to my maid of honor.

That a promise?

Oh, we have a deal.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, I think y'all look great.

Well, tell that to the alpaca sitting on my crotch.

It got him out of here, didn't it?

-Hey.
-Hey.

What, ah. What's all this?

I thought we could all eat together.

-Why?
-For a change.

Oh. Well, Ben's at his dad's.

Well, then it's dinner à deux.

Okay.

It's a pretty fancy setup for tortillas and soy sauce.

-Not what we're having.
-That's all I have.

Lemon chicken piccata.

What?

You made this?

It's not Olive Garden, but it's the best with what I could find.

Jeez. What the hell is this, a white carrot?

Parsnip. And a few other root veggies.

It's so good.

-Thanks, man.
-No, thank you, man.

No, thank you for letting me crash.

No, thank you for picking all this up.

NBD.

Well, it must've been expensive.

Not at all.

I mean, last I checked, food was not free.

Or maybe you're just not looking in the right place.

Kevin?

Mmm. I went a little heavy on the rosemary.

Where did you get this food?

-Kroger.
-Thank Jesus.

Yeah, they throw out the best stuff. Like, even before it goes bad.

Ew. What is wrong with you?

-It's fine.
-It's trash food.

-You never would've known.
-Except I do.

So if I paid, would it taste better?

I mean, I guess not.

-Then what's the difference?
-The amount of E. coli.

I washed it.

Where? In the toilet?

I thought you were cooler than this.

Why, because I'm not down with gourmet dumpster diving?

No. Because you think money makes everything better.

-Doesn't it?
-Yeah, sure.

If you wanna live for what you don't have.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

This treadmill you're on.

Excuse me for wanting more.

.won't get you anywhere.

It's called the American Dream, baby.

Okay, well, while you're dreaming,

you're also sleeping through a pretty choice piece of chicken.

At least I won't have hepatitis A, B or C.

Whatever.

Ugh!

I won't tell you where I got that.

Hey, guys. Uh, I thought we were meeting down at the park.

Oh. Guys can wait.

You're not going anywhere with that derailleur.

Let me see that.

Hey, uh, look, I'm sorry. I'm doing
everything I can with that night cream.

Oh, I get it.

Guys don't really like stuff on their face before bed.

-Right? Gets stuff all over your pillow--
-Not why we're here.

Oh.

The other night at the meeting.

-Yeah, I overshared.
-It was beautiful, Dean.

You're going through a lot right now, you know?

You got a lawyer?

Not one that's going to keep me out of jail.

Well, you do now.

Oh.

Oh, that's so cool.

Never lost a case.

Which is why I definitely can't afford him.

Don't worry about it.

Dean, you're family now.

That bitch has done enough to you.

Hi, boys.

Pulled them out of the freezer so
they got that big ice cube you like.

Thanks.

Do you guys want a refill?

-No, we're fine.
-Good.

Don't forget to wear the reflective stuff.

We'll look out for him.

Oh, uh, Danny's hockey game got rescheduled.

I got him a ride with the Simpson kid.

-You just need to pick him up.
-Sure.

Saddle up, cowboy.

Take a bunch so you can layer.

All right, here.

We're not here to party.

So you'd rather stick out?

I just want to make a run for the border.

Yeah, well, that's why you gotta blend.

-Where's your friend?
-He's probably gassing up the boat.

Sure this is the right place?

-This is where we park every year.
-What if I have to pee on the water?

Get it all out now.

Where?

It's also where we pee every year.

Is that your guy?

Oh, here we go.

Mmm-mmm.

No.

What are you doing?

It's an open container.

We have a cooler full of Canadian counterfeit.

Will you please just act chill?

He's coming.

-Okay. Music on or off?
-On.

Off, off.

-Mike?
-Hey, Ruby.

What's going on?

What's in that?

A whole lot of fun.

Yeah, it's her first Jobbie Nooner, so we went all out.

Open it on up.

If this is about the parking or something, we could pull up--

What's in the cooler?

-You put your boy on me?
-You're welcome.

He gave Beth a ticket.

Yeah. Lucky that's all she got.

We could have just slipped over.

Not on the weekend with a triple border patrol.

We were going to bury it and go back tomorrow.

-Brilliant.
-Drive through customs and pick it up.

Nobody's thought of doing that on Gull Island.

Yeah, smugglers, not a bunch of moms.

Was that her angle?

I need it back.

What else you got?

I don't know.

Hmm.

Come see me when you do.

Who are you? My dad?

I'm worried that she's going to come up with something dumber.

I'm not some kid you caught with a case of beer.

This isn't just beer, Ruby.

I need to make that drop.

And I need to keep you out of jail.

He's ready for you.

You don't look like you're here for the sewer expansion meeting.

I'm not sure I'd have a lot to offer.

Come on.

They're actually really interesting.

-Really?
-No, not at all.

So what can I do for you, Elizabeth?

It's really stupid.

Oh, I've heard it all.

It might be crossing a line.

I'm okay with that.

It's kind of more of a favor.

-Is it a parking ticket?
-No.

Okay, because people hit me up with that all the time.

It's a trespassing ticket.

Oh.

Okay.

So, what's next? Burning Man?

It's a long story.

Try me. I got time.

It's more of a thing for, you know, your brother-cousin.

Him.

.which I can't explain to a judge, so.

They're waiting for you in the conference room.

You know what?

You're busy.

Look, it's just, um. I don't. I don't like

to get involved with his. things.

I never should've asked.

It just puts me in a bad place, you know?

Go to your meeting. This never happened.

-I'm an idiot.
-Wait, wait, wait. No, no. Hold on.

Mmm.

I'll do it.

-You really don't have to.
-I really want to.

Come on.

Thank you.

But you're going to have to do something for me.

Yeah, what?

I'm gonna put you to work.

-Please no.
-Just try it.

I don't wanna release whatever's trapped there.

Don't you want to add rabies to your hep A, B and C?

I guess.

I'm scared.

What is this?

Yeah. I'm no Shakespeare, but I am sorry.

Let me take you out.

Why?

To make up for the other night.

-Where?
-Restaurant.

A real one?

You like French?

Ma'am.

-This place is, like, legit fancy.
-Oh, I know.

-Hey, Kev.
-Hey, Ange.

-You come here often?
-All the time.

You have a special table or something?

Sort of.

Right this way,madame.

-What is this?
-This is dinner.

What are you doing? Oh!

-Are you high?
-A little bit.

This, three-course meal right here.

No way.

One bite of each.

No, never. Not in hell. No.

I'll cook for you for a month.

No, I don't want to be eating your trash food.

Your food from whatever grocery store you waste your money at.

No. Bye.

Uh, Ben, too.

Ben is not ever hungry.

Well, he eats at his friend's house so he doesn't have to at home.

One bite.

-Well, I, uh, started as a prep chef.
-Mmm-hmm.

.and became a line cook, and, uh.

And now I just sort of sub in whenever I need cash.

Wow. Oh! I forgot to ask. What was the.

It was like a little brown, chewy sausage-y,

garlicky butter thing on the toothpick?

Ah, yes, yes, yes. That was escargot.

Ah, escargot to you,monsieur.

Snails.

What?

Yeah, see? Even from the garbage, they're great, right?

Ew, I never would've eaten those even inside.

That, my friend, is exactly the point.

-It doesn't matter.
-Ugh!

-Stop. Stop. What are you doing?
-I don't know.

You can't do that.

-Why not?
-Just.

Because it's.

Because we're roommates.

-So?
-So, it's not.

It's just. It's too easy.

That wasn't in your rules.

We just. We can't, okay?

-All right.
-Um.

I have to go.

-I'll walk you.
-No, it's fine. Just stay.

And enjoy the, um.

Well, I'll see you at home.

We get a PO box.

Or whatever they call it up there.

And just overnight it.

Customs.

Let them open it. All they'll see is lots and lots of Huggies.

Disguising, of course, the cash.

Why would anybody want to overnight diapers to Canada?

They use those cloth ones up there.

I'm out.

You didn't want us involved in the transport.

-Next.
-This is so low-risk.

Till you're surrounded by Mounties
asking why your Pampers are so absorbant.

Huggies.

Hear me out. There's a mini submarine called theDolphin.

I thought we weren't pitching this one.

No, you weren't going to pitch this one.

-It's like, twenty grand, Annie.
-It's a lifelong investment, Ruby.

You wanted one way before we started all this.

It's just so simple. We blend in with the
marine life, pop up, ditch the cash--

-This is ridiculous.
-Agreed.

Why do we have to answer to you?

Oh, um.

How about my bag business, my dancers, my club and, uh.

What? My wife.

He makes some good points.

Are you gonna give us our money back?

Not with these ideas.

Well, let's just sell some bags, then.

Uh, that's not gonna be necessary this evening.

Why is that?

'Cause you'll need these guys to help you with your drop.

Hey.

How's it going?

Canadian dudes are the most respectful.

Yeah?

My nipple popped out too early, and they all looked away.

-So, are we good?
-Oh, yeah.

They're not gonna ask questions.

-That's it. You better.
-Yeah!

Yeah.

Work all that.

The girls also dance in Windsor.

And?

Fully nude. Twice the money.

How does that help us?

They're real tight with the border guards.

Ugh, Canadians.

Hey, how's it going?

IDs, please.

Have we met?

I don't think so.

Wait. No, you're Krystal's friend, right?

-That's it.
-Oh, yeah.

Krystal! You know Krystal.

What's her real name?

She's actually right behind us.

Oh.

-How do you guys know her?
-We met at the gym.

She teaches the most amazing Zumba class.

She's so flexible, you know?

Well, I wouldn't exactly call us friends.

Totally get it.

Um, where are you guys headed today?

We're gonna go see her dance.

#womensupportingwomen.

You should stop by.

Tell your wife you got front row tickets to the Windsor ballet.

Well, I wish I could.

I, um. I got my kid's violin concert, so.

Next time, then.

All right. Bringing anything in?

-Nope.
-Just us.

Great. Pull over and pop the trunk.

But it's empty.

Should be quick, then.

Enjoy the show.

All right. Good to go.

It's, like, no biggie at all.

-Well, we really appreciate it.
-Anything to help a friend.

But we need our expenses covered.

I thought this was a favor.

And what expenses?

You know, the cooler was super heavy so it uses more gas.

Okay, can we just do this already?

Okay. How much?

Five percent.

-Of what?
-Just, like, whatever's in the cooler.

-That's not our money.
-It's not our problem.

Okay. Okay.

Five percent.

How do we give them % of a cut we don't even have?

How do we drop a cooler we don't have?

I don't like this SUV.

Why? 'Cause it's silver?

'Cause it hasn't moved.

It is a parking lot.

Let's roll, b*tches.

-How bad is it?
-Remember Payne Stewart?

-Wasn't he a golfer?
-Try U.S. Open champion.

Okay.

He's up in his private jet, right?

On top of the world.

Tower loses communication.

So they scramble some F- s to check it out.

Turns out the hull was breached.

Everyone inside was sound asleep from no oxygen.

So, what'd they do?

Plane's on autopilot, just cruising.

All they gotta do.

is wake up.

Then what happened?

After three and a half hours, it runs out of fuel

and they crash into a cornfield in South Dakota.

Jesus.

But that's not going to be you.

-I already pled guilty.
-I know.

-They want to move the trial date up.
-Yeah.

So, how do I not end up in the cornfield?

Her.

It's not an option.

Are you the one printing fake money?

I know where you're going with this.

Cooking the books, committing wire fraud?

-Won't turn on my wife.
-She did it.

-I have kids.
-So?

They need their mother.

Oh.

Okay.

So, what's plan B?

Who taught them how to ride their bikes?

I mean, I did.

Who taught your son how to do a slapshot?

Worked on that for months.

Who built the tree house in your backyard?

I bet they'd say all that stuff is pretty important, too.

There's no plan B, man.

-Come on, you guys.
-She didn't leave you a parachute.

What am I supposed to do here?

Wake up.

Prepare to turn left.

This left or next left?

Hmm. Looks like next left.

Uh. uh-nuh.

What's "uh-nuh"?

-It was the other left.
-Recalculating.

Where do I go now?

I don't know. It's recalculating.

Where is this stupid place?

Here, here, here. Next left. It's cool. We got it.

We're not there yet.

You must admit Stanimal did deliver on this one.

Yeah, except for the shakedown part.

That wasn't his plan.

Wasn't our plan either.

Better than taking a Jet Ski.

Okay, I get that you need to defend him.

-I'm not defending him.
-He has not made our life easier.

Aren't we in Canada with the money?

That's defending him.

In feet, take the next left.

I thought you were cool with him.

-I am.
-'Cause I know he's cool with you.

-Recalculating.
-Would you please tell me where to go?

-God. That is so weird.
-What?

It's just this guy. Every time we move, he does, too.

-Oh, God.
-What?

-Silver SUV.
-Silverish.

That's the car from the parking lot.

Okay, you don't know that.

Same plate.

In feet, please make a U-turn.

In feet, take the next left.

-What do we do?
-Just drive.

-Where?
-Just go. Go.

-Make the next left.
-Turn that off.

-I'm trying.
-Make a left turn.

-She's persistent.
-What about the drop?

The second we stop, we'll be surrounded by Mounties.

-Mounties ride horses.
-Not undercover.

-We don't know that they're Mounties.
-Border Patrol.

-Better?
-Maybe Krystal sold us out.

-Stan wouldn't let that happen.
-Don't defend him.

-Let's dump it.
-It's g*ng friend's money.

-You want to explain that to them?
-We can't make the drop.

My way we don't end up in an Ontario gulag.

-How do we dump it?
-Roll down the windows.

So what? We could make it rain over their windshield?

-Here! Turn!
-Annie!

-Jesus!
-We can lose them in here!

-Pull in somewhere.
-Can you see them?

Just do something.

-Slow down!
-Stop yelling at me!

What are you doing?

Got you, honey.

Collect all your things.

Come on.

-Do you think they're gone?
-Coast is clear.

-Where'd you learn all that?
-YouTube.

And they're back.

Grab the money.

-Why?
-Come on, just do it.

-Oh, my God.
-No. Just take it out and divide it up.

What are we doing?

Getting rid of it.

Where?

* Do it, do it *

* Do it, do it *

* Take, take, take the phone Take the phone *

* Take, take, take the phone Take the phone *

* Dial it, dial it *

* Dial it, dial it *

* Take, take the phone Take the phone *

-Where's the bathroom at?
-Now, Annie?

-To flush the money, Beth.
-Eyes in the sky. They see everything.

So, how do we dump it?

We don't.

We can't go back outside with it. They'll be waiting.

-We lose it.
-Winner!

Where are we at?

-With twice what we started.
-Jesus.

Why didn't we try craps before crime?

I gotta take this.

Hang on. What are we supposed to do here?

Just be a loser.

Hey, I've called you times.

-Is everything okay?
-Danny is in the hospital.

-What?
-Some kid chucked him into the board.

-He had the puck.
-Oh, my God.

-He even got sh*t off.
-What happened?

-He got slammed really hard, Beth.
-Is he okay?

I don't know. The coach thinks it's his wrist.

Probably broken. Can you go be with him?

Uh.

Coach had to go home. Nurse says he's sitting there alone.

-Can you?
-Not unless I want to get arrested.

Hello?

Yeah, it's gonna be a while.

Why?

Because I.

Because I'm not very close.

Where the hell are you?

I'm. sort of out of the country.

Of course you are.

Next time.

just lie to me.

Wait.

Can't we just keep it? I mean.

-We'd need to sign for it.
-So?

You want your name on record here if they find all our queens?

Put it all on two.

You sure you don't want to spread it around?

Two.

No more bets.

Ah! Thank God.

Yes! Oh, my God.

Phew!

Chips fall where they may.

Yeah, right.

-To the unluckiest number.
- - - .

Oh, honey.

Let's go home.

-Am I supposed to know what that means?
-You were there.

Oh! The dot-com crash.

Her wedding.

Right. Yes. I knew that.

I'm gonna go to the grocery store,
make him French toast in the morning.

He didn't even ask for you.

Don't worry. I paid for it.

-Smells amazing.
-It should for how much it costs.

Is this an Olive Garden special?

Yes. Complete with unlimited breadsticks.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm!

Uh. So.

Um.

last night, uh.

-I made things weird, didn't I?
-No, no. Seriously, not at all.

It's. It's fine.

It'll never happen again.

-Cross my heart, hope to die.
-Please. Let's not go that far.

-Sweet.
-Right?

-Can I have cheese?
-Absolutely, Benjamin.

Mmm. It's so good.

-There you are, sir.
-Thank you.

Where's yours?

Oh, uh, I'm eating out tonight.

Why?

That's for me.

-Hello.
-Hey.

Hey.

-You look great.
-Thanks.

I love you in this shirt.

I don't think you've seen me in another one.

-You remember Angela?
-Hi. Yes, of course.

-Hey.
-Just having some dinner with my son.

You guys should go have some fun.

Not too much fun, but. you know. Just kidding. I'm kidding.

Better hurry up. It's trash night.

Bon appétit.

You should put cheese on it.

You're looping it the wrong way.

I got these sausage fingers.

But you're making a knot now. That's not.

-A friendship knot.
-That's not a thing.

-It's totally a thing. It's better.
-No.

You can't undo it.

-It's tight.
-Okay.

Make me one?

-Yeah, sure.
-In your room.

All right.

How did it go?

Why are you helping us?

-What do you mean?
-Why did you let us print at the club?

You needed a space.

Why'd you make Krystal do the drop?

I didn't want you to drown on a Jet Ski.

You remember our wedding?

-Um, well, not much.
-Before my mom made you do sh*ts.

What, like the ceremony?

The part where we promised to treat each other's family like our own.

-Why do you think I did the sh*ts?
-I'm not talking about my mom.

What did you say to her, Stanley?

Oh.

We made a deal.

Well, we kind of made a deal.

I told her that I'd give you guys the
place if she stays out of your life.

And if she stays out of your life.

Lady Luck ain't on your side tonight, huh?

There was a problem.

-Always is.
-And I had to get rid of it.

-Never a solution.
-Well, I didn't have a lot of options.

Oh, yeah?

Or did the dice just not roll your way?

-We were being followed.
-Yeah, by my people.

Well, that would have been really nice to know.

They don't like to make a scene.

But I don't mind so much.

Well, someone else will.

Hmm.

What you got, a guardian angel I don't know about?

Maybe.

Everyone, meet Beth.

-Hi.
-Yes.

Hi, Beth.

She's gonna run things around here.

-No, I'm helping.
-Just so we don't k*ll whatever we plant.

Yeah. Ah, they're all yours.

Okay. Well, I'm the new kid,
so maybe you guys can help me out a little bit.

Show me what you've already started.

Are you okay, man?

I'm fine.

You don't look so good.

I just woke up.

About time.