04x15 - We're Even

[bunniefuu]

All right, turn it off.

No.

Your guy d*ed.

I'm not going.

-What do you mean?
-I told him he could skip.

Why?

It's a special day.

Yeah, he has a math test.

It's his half-birthday.

You got pwned!

I just wish you'd ask me first before you make any promises.

Can you cut those a little smaller?

No other parents celebrate half-birthdays.

Do I get a present?

-Sure.
-No.

I'll text you guys my list.

Just get him half a present.

Here.

Who's "Vanessa"?

Just take it.

I asked for almond milk.

-They were out.
-So, what is this?

Milk.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Don't be such a woman.

Excuse me. Can I download my own ringtone?

My grandson plays clarinet and.

Excuse me, sir.

Vance Madison. Employee ID number - - - - . Thank you.

Yeah, I need to track a stolen phone.

Boland.

Elizabeth.

Um, it kinda burns.

Well, that's how you know it's working. See?

Ow.

-Oops.
-Okay, that's enough.

Go get ready for school.

Supposed to remove age spots.

Who got you into this?

Hey, Ruby.

Here you go.

What's up, man?

I need you to do something for me.

Name it.

Share, brother.

I didn't know what else to do.

You could have told me.

They were gonna take Ruby down, too.

I've known you for years.

I'm not the bad guy here, man.

They're all I've got.

Let's do it in the bathtub next.

Mmm, that never works.

Why not?

Unless you have one of those super fancy tubs,
it's like you're on a bobsled.

No. We'd be facing each other.

Then we're in a weird rowboat sitch where everyone's freezing.

Fine. Okay, um, what about.

the closet?

That's kind of limited.

I like a challenge.

Huh.

Sorry, must be on shuffle.

No, no, no.

This is a banger.

It's. Train.

Whatever. I know. They're easy to hate on.

-I love everything about them.
-Uh-huh.

Which closet?

Broom.

Hot.

You know, I.

I never thought that I'd.

date someone who loves Train as much as me.

Are we?

What?

Dating?

Aren't we?

Uh. I mean, uh.

maybe.

Um, what do you wanna call it?

Why do we have to call it anything?

Because we've been doing the other it now for,
like, three days straight.

-So, I'm just kind of curious.
-Mmm.

I don't know.

Really?

Come on.

Isn't this something that we could settle in the broom closet?

Nah. I'm kind of tired.

Hey, come on.

My junk needs to recharge.

But.

the song isn't even done yet.

Your supporters are highly loyal,

with % being completely or very certain of their choice.

Hispanic support with some college to college grad is also solid,

with an overwhelming majority

in strong favor of your "Clean up the Streets" message.

Polls also show % of voters want a
visionary as opposed to a politician.

Uh, is that part good?

Are you a politician?

-No.
-Then it's not bad.

-Okay.
-And women like you in red.

Thank you, Scott.

Seriously?

It's a power color.

I hate red.

-You've got to play by their rules.
-Why?

Because then, we get to do things our way.

Urban garden. Basketball courts.

Ice arena.

Nature trails all over. Olympic-sized swimming pool.

Café. Lounge. Amphitheatre.

Money laundering. Bribery. Extortion.

All wrapped up in your friendly neighborhood rec center.

Okay.

Okay.

That's it?

What more did you want?

Need a warrant.

Great, get one.

-Need someone to sign off on that.
-Can you do that?

And you can't do it.

No. Need access to a judge.

-Need my old job back.
-To even get access.

-Our hands are tied.
-We're on vacation.

-What are you gonna do?
-Not us.

How would we get it?

Isn't that what you guys do?

Uh, sorry. Are you asking us to break the law?

Does that make you uncomfortable?

Consider it a favor.

But the clock's ticking

because we used miles for our room and they're almost gone.

Then we're even.

Time!

Five minutes, seconds.

I can do better.

I love that she needs the whole look to get into character.

Okay, what about dinner Thursday?

Won't it be weird?

Stan loves Deansie.

Not the problem.

-It'll make you guys better.
-Or it'll make us worse.

We'll talk about their stupid skincare business.

How will that help?

When did we last get boozed up and it didn't end in a hug fest?

-When did we last get boozed up?
-Exactly.

Time!

It was faster.

You didn't even time it.

How are we gonna even get into the building?

Why don't we just go during the day?

'Cause he'll be there.

-So, distract him.
-How?

-You know how.
-No, I don't.

Why did Watergate fail?

-Because they got caught.
-Because they were men.

She means use your hoo-ha.

-Just stop.
-Worked with the wire.

You useyourhoo-ha.

Just saying, take the brousin to lunch or something.

You mean "g*ng Fairy Godfather"?

-"Brousin" makes more sense.
-Hmm.

-I'm not doing anything with the brousin.
-Why not?

Because then he'll know it's me.

Okay. You guys, we obviously go at night.

What about the security guard?

We'll use my hoo-ha.

Can I help you?

May I use your bathroom?

Okay. Let's see.

-What took you so long?
-I actually had to pee.

-I'm, like, covered in thorns.
-Okay. Here I go.

-Just.
-Yeah.

The penguin is in the igloo.

Huh?

The horse is in the barn.

-Then where's the security guard?
-He's still at his desk.

-Can you just say that from now on?
-Ten-four.

Bye.

Over and out.

Just trying to make it fun.

Give me the L- . Wait.

-The L- .
-They don't have names on them.

-The crocodile teeth ones.
-They all have teeth.

Oh, my God.

Crocodile, you amateur.

Where is he?

What's his ?

-Huh?
-Where is he?

Uh, he's eating a KitKat.

But we heard a door.

He's got a whole stash in the closet.

He's just getting a snack.

Okay, well, hurry up.

Come on, come on.

-Bada bing bada boom.
-Okay.

-What's going on?
-It won't open.

I mean, look, it's unlocked.

Oh, my God.

What?

Do you have a tool for one of those?

That's a whole different set of YouTube videos.

Okay.

-Maybe his assistant has, like, a spare.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Hmm.

Oh. Oh, he's kind of cute.

-Got it.
-Sick.

He has a card for everything.

Talk to me, baby.

We okay?

He's on the move.

You've got this.

Come on, ladies, give me a sign.

Well?

-I tore my jeans coming out the window.
-No.

Yeah, my favorite pair.

Where we at?

-You guys want in on this?
-What are we gonna do?

% off at Chili's.

I could do a marg.

Hill, you up?

Nope.

-Guess where I went.
-You smell like a cantina.

-I only had one.
-I didn't ask how many.

Fine, three.

All right, where did you go?

When's the last time you had southwestern egg rolls?

I bought some from Kroger's last week.

No, at Chili's.

I don't know, Ruby.

Remember when someone pulled the fire alarm and we had to go outside?

Yeah, we sat at the wrong booth when we went back in.

You got halfway through that guy's black
bean burger before you even realized.

We were pretty bombed.

We haven't had fun like that in forever.

Need more like it.

How about Thursday?

They still got that Texas Lemonade?

-They do.
-In.

So are the Bolands.

What do you mean?

We all used to have fun together.

Babe, I'm not going to Chili's with no damn Bolands.

Fine.

Good.

They can come here.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?

I don't want a situation.

It's just dinner.

It's gonna be weird.

Don't worry. I got you covered.

-How?
-Dean will be there.

Mmm, something smells good.

-What you working on over there?
-Spanish omelet.

-Mmm! Mmm!
-Little chorizo.

Red peppers, fried potatoes, and a pinch of salt.

Mmm!

Just like we are in Barcelona.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

Oh. Whoa, whoa.

-Whoa, sir.
-What?

Well, where's mine?

Everything you need's on the counter.

Well. it's just that, you know, you usually make me one.

-Well, that's when we were roomies.
-Well, what are we now?

You tell me.

Oh, come on.

I mean, we're definitely not dating, right?

We really can't just move past this?

Oh, I have.

What is that?

Hinge.

Wait, no, this is Tinder.

You're. back on the apps?

How else am I supposed to put myself out there?

Why do you need to do that?

'Cause you don't want to do this, right?

I don't.

I don't want to not do this, okay?

And I definitely don't want you doing this with anyone else.

So, you don't want to date.

Right.

But you don't want to not date.

Right.

Essentially, you want to not not date.

I think so.

But. do you want to not not date anyone else?

No.

I mean.

Yeah, I'm.

I'm down with that.

Cool.

-You want cheese in yours?
-Duh!

Uh.

-You can just turn that off.
-Yeah, I think I will.

Jesus. How did you get so many matches on this?

-I'm a catch.
-Obviously.

-No, you want to know my secret?
-Yes, please.

Yeah, I just, uh.

I think about the kind of tail I want to land, right?

And then, I just sort of cater my profile to the customer.

Sorry. Like, you make stuff up, or.

Uh, I mean, it. It's more like I just
sort of tell them what they want to hear

and then they come to you.

Have I ever volunteered at an animal shelter?

I mean, no.

But I don't want them gassed either.

Once you figure it out, it's like sh**ting fish in a barrel.

And I'm no, like, coder,

but I don't want some algorithm telling me who I should be with.

Ooh, Oaxacan street corn.

Um, Dad hates that cheese.

She is not wrong.

I'll make coleslaw.

Then, after dinner, you and Stan can be on the same team.

For what?

Scattergories.

Wait, now we're doing a game night?

-We need to be normal around each other.
-We've never playedScattergories.

Twister?

You guys. I can get us into that office.

We've been using my hoo-ha all wrong.

Hey, Sara. How are you?

It's a little late for you to be up, isn't it?

Well, my bedtime's not for another two hours.

Go to your room.

What?

I can't believe I finally met a girl who butt chugs.

Well, how else you gonna pound a White Claw?

Cheers.

What did you major in at Michigan?

Oh, um, science.

How did you get through organic chem?

I just really love organic stuff.
It's actually pretty easy at Whole Foods.

Most girls are turned off by my profile.

You're kidding me. Why?

They get all uptight about the hating kids stuff.

I mean, kids suck.

-Right?
-Yeah.

Oh, hell, yes. Jell-O sh*ts.

Our fave.

To not remembering anything tomorrow morning.

I will drink to that.

Mmm.

Ooh!

They go down easier the more you do it.

Oh, uh.

No, I'm just. I'm cold.

Should have brought a jacket.

Wanted you to, uh, have the full picture.

Appreciate it.

Now that you had a preview.

can I borrow yours?

Seriously?

The next round will be on me.

Fine.

You're sweet.

My mom always says that.

I bet she's great.

Hmm.

Ready when you are.

Uh, ready for what?

That sh*t.

Right. Yes. Okay.

Let's just get the waitress.

But then, you'd see me roofie it.

Will you marry me?

You've got to be kidding me.

Please, Clark. I'm gonna burst.

You should see a doctor.

Showtime.

* She's fed up with seeing The same dead people *

* Over and over, the same dead people *

* Hanging out in the streets *

* She screams *

* Hanging on the crucifix, she screams *

* Open hands on the IVs *

* All afraid and pissed off *

* In a withering voice she says *

* "Au revoir" *

What took you so long?

Uh.

These. These are, like, really complicated.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Just tastes like tequila.

Really? No, they. Uh. First, they light them on fire.

-I came in and looked for you.
-Well, they.

They wouldn't do it inside.

What's going on?

Okay. Um.

-I'm gonna level with you.
-That's never a good sign.

I. went outside to ask the valet

if I could leave my car here overnight.

Or maybe it's a great sign.

Oh, maybe.

Uh, hey.

-b*at it, bro. We don't have any money.
-No. It's okay, I know him.

How?

Uh.

He's my.

roommate.

Oh, we're back to that now, huh?

Clark is on the prowl. I repeat, Clark is a-prowlin'.

Where is this guy?

Who is that guy?

He's just a. He's a co-worker.

You work at a minimart.

Yeah, he's. He's the boss.

So, now, you wear your boss' jacket?

Uh.

No, he.

He was thinking about adding a jacket to the uniform.

And he wanted feedback, so obviously, I'm gonna tell him.

smaller sizes.

You know what? I'm sorry.

-No, please.
-This is my fault.

-Can we please talk about this at home?
-Thought things would be different.

I promise, it's not what it looks like,

but I can't talk about it here. So, please.

Is everything cool?

Yeah. It's fine.

I don't want to get in the way of anything here.

-No, I was just leaving.
-No.

-No, I feel like I should go.
-No.

No to me or no to him?

We literally just met, so.

How did you meet?

Uh, Bumble, Hinge. I don't even remember.

Uh, she's all yours, man.

You want to go do another sh*t?

Yes.

I got phone records, bank accounts, names, numbers.

Quite a haul.

He knows everything.

Got to say, none of this looks good for a lady who's tough on crime.

What do you want?

Let me buy you guys a drink.

Why?

Talk strategy. What's good around here?

There's a Chili's.

Perfect.

Can I throw my bike in the back?

Could you take the child lock off?

That doctor dude sounds way more messed up than you.

-Therapist.
-Textbook.

Mmm.

Textbook what?

Gay.

He's just British.

Your ex-husband? Super gay.

Don't tell me. Noah?

Everyone in law enforcement's gay.

And why is it that I'm listening to you about any of this again?

Because I'm the only one who calls it like it is.

But you just have the one call.

Okay. Know who couldn't be more straight and into you?

Let me guess.

Your hobo friend.

He's experiencing homelessness.

Whatever, that dude's all sac.

I don't think I should be with anybody right now.

Why is that?

Because I have. issues.

Everyone does.

Well, mine could be studied.

Well, at least you're not in denial.

Thanks?

I'm serious. Being aware of it means you can't be that messed up.

How can a bro like you be such a good listener?

Not really a bro.

Sorry. Bruh.

-I'm gay.
-That's funny.

Everything on my profile's made up.

But. What about the picture of you in Jamaica with the cheetah?

Photoshop.

But you had on a backwards hat.

To convince my dad.

Hmm.

Well, okay, then.

Mmm-hmm.

This is one of the best dates I've ever had with a girl.

And you, my friend, make very convincing human garbage.

Could I get a selfie for my dad?

Why not?

Um, sorry.

Why?

For what I'm about to do.

Hey.

Have you seen this bit where the dude fromSNL,

he recaps TV shows?

No.

It's genius.

He tries to guess what the show is based on the title,

but he has no idea.

How could you?

How are those housewives in the ATL?

Didn't watch.

What did you guys do?

We went out for drinks.

Twice in one week?

-Ran into a friend of yours.
-Yeah?

Trying to show off to your bike dads?

-No.
-Must've felt like a big sh*t.

-It's not like that.
-What's it like, then?

You put me in jail.

Not on purpose.

What's the difference?

You'd still be in there.

He's making sure I don't go back.

-Oh, the grown man in tights.
-He's got my back, okay?

You are such an idiot.

Yeah, for trusting you.

He's not your friend.

-Least he's trying to help.
-To get to me.

What are you talking about?

I have to get the city to plug his stupid face creams

for, like, conventions or hotels or whatever.

Wait, he. He said that?

He was never in it for you.

I really did want Nevada.

She could lose everything.

So could we.

She has kids, Stanley.

Who's sleeping down that hall?

Since when do you get to decide to put a woman away?

It's not just about her.

I don't remember marrying a judge.

You can't even see it anymore.

I can see we're not in a courtroom.

Could dress it up, talk around it.

At least in court, you get a jury.

But we're just criminals now.

You remember our old Nissan?

-Rust bucket?
-Mmm-hmm.

It started out with a little patch on the door,

but eventually, it took over the whole car.

Come on.

When's the last time we've been to church?

It bought our daughter a kidney.

-Or volunteered at the food bank?
-It pays for Harry's school.

And the crazy thing. is that I don't even feel guilty anymore.

Because we deserve it.

Justify it all you want,

but eventually, it rots out the floorboards.

I guess we should cancel dinner with the Bolands.

Yeah, probably.

Dude. Dude, she practically broke my jock.

Sounds like a wild night, buddy.

I was like, "Chill. I know you can't get enough,
but papa's got to sleep."

Hey, where's the file key?

Top right.

Yeah, that's where I left it.

Hmm.

You gonna see her again?

Hell no.

I cannot keep up with your women.

Oh, here.

That's weird.

You must have moved it.

I didn't.

It wasn't me.

Can you grab the night log-ins from security?

Yeah.

Who is she?

Not your boy's girl.

You think this is funny?

-What did she get?
-What do you think?

I think you got played, brother.

Yes! Suck it!

All right, chief, time for homework.

One more level.

You've got a book report, buddy.

-I'll do it later.
-It's late.

Mom said I could stay up.

-Did you get almond milk?
-I got oat milk.

It's better for you.

-Where did you get this?
-It was on my car in the parking lot.

She's your buddy's wife, right?

-I like her.
-Why?

I don't know. She seems like a leader.

I hope she wins.

You know what?

Me, too.

Die!

-Hey!
-Turn it off.

I can't see.

Turn it off.

Mom, tell your husband to move.

Just let him finish, honey.

-Mom!
-Vance!

What the hell are you doing?

Book report. Now!

Hey, you're here.

I know you can't endorse, but you could wear one while working out.

Just take a seat.

Uh-oh.

Am I falling behind with working women
ages to who like to eat food?

No. I have something that's gonna help you.

-Thought you weren't allowed to do that.
-Well, I don't mean the election.

What's this?

Everything you were looking for last night.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, you or your sister or someone else that you're working for

swiped in at : with my assistant's ID.

So. when you're done, I am gonna need them back.

What happens now?

I don't understand.

I wake up with a g*n to my face at night?

You have a campaign to win.

When we're done, roll me up in a carpet for trash day?

Relax.

Jeez. No, that's not my style.

I'm more the guy that makes things.

difficult.

I know people, right?

The husband that's facing a long stretch.

A sister that's got a record. Those two are low-hanging fruit.

And there's no way your friend can pay for her son's private school.

That's just a quick call to state,
and get her tax returns. You know how that goes.

Yeah. Can't let you off that easy, Beth.

You have a lot of work to do.

Oh, wait, stop. Right there.

"Zug Island Holdings."

Where's it go?

"Romeo Pipe Fitters and B and J Construction."

Could make a case from the numbers that it's padded for kickbacks.

But none of it goes back to him.

* How deep's the water? *

* You say it's not *

* How long's it flowin'? *

* You say it's gone *

* I guess I dreamed *

Just leave it on the table, man.

Beth wanted to, you know, make sure you guys still had it. So.

-That's a lot of slaw, bro.
-That's half of what she made.

Listen, man. I'm sorry that.

We're in a cult, dude.

Yeah, they got us good.

You want to. You want to take the brotherhood down?

Now you're knocking?

You said to.

When have you ever listened to me?

Nah, don't be like that.

What do you want?

I'll take an apology.

What did I do now?

You hurt my feelings.

How's that?

If you need something, darling, all you've got to do is ask.

He's your brother.

Cousin.

Family.

He's in our way.

* Oh, lover, you seem to *

* Be hiding *

* Something from me and *

* I'll find it *

* Silver shining across the *

* Deep end *