(upbeat theme music)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm livin' is the life for me
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(upbeat theme music)
- Lisa, Lisa.
- What's the matter?
- Who's the strange man
sleeping on the couch?
(audience laughs)
- Ooh, that's Oliver.
- Oliver who?
- My husband.
- What a horrible sight to
wake up to in the morning.
(audience laughs)
- I heard what that
old Hungarian said.
- That's a fine way to
talk about my mother.
- Yeah, how 'bout the
way she talked about me?
- That's different,
you're my husband.
- What's that got to do with it?
- How did you sleep last night?
- Oh, terrible, this couch
has more lumps in it than...
- Ooh, seems soft to me,
maybe it's you that is lumpy.
(audience laughs)
- I'm no lumpier than the
average American husband.
- Oh Oliver, it won't
be for much longer,
Mother will only be
here a few weeks more.
- A few weeks?
Have you ever seen a
strong, lumpy man cry?
(audience laughs)
- Well, if you don't want
my mother to visit us,
then why did you invite her?
- I didn't invite her,
she barged in here
with 80 pieces of luggage,
a house boy, a dog...
- Well it could've been worse,
she might have brought
my uncle aunt Max with her.
- Your uncle aunt Max?
- The one that works in
the circus as a half man
and a half woman.
(audience laughs)
- I don't believe you
ever mentioned him,
or her, or whatever.
- Well, you see
what happened was...
- Look, Lisa, I really don't
mind your mother being here,
but, why don't we try
to rearrange things?
- That's what they tried to
do with Aunt Max, you see...
- I'm talking about us,
why can't you and I go back
to sleeping in the bedroom,
and let your mother sleep here.
- Well, Mother would
be glad to do that,
but she has a thing about
sleeping on a public couch.
(audience laughs)
- A public couch?
Look, how about the
Shady Rest Hotel?
They've got nice rooms,
big comfortable beds.
- Mother already
suggested that, but I told her
that I didn't think that you
wanted to move to a hotel.
- Oh, Timbuktu!
- Where are you going?
- To shave and get dressed.
- Oh you can't,
Mother is taking a bath.
- Well I want to get to work.
- Well why don't
you take a shower?
- I can't, she's using the
hose to fill up the bath tub.
- Well, she only going
to be for a minute.
- But will it be alright
if I get my clothes
out of the bedroom?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
(dog barks)
- You lay one fang on
me and... (dog barks)
- What's he doing
in out bedroom?
- Guarding Mother's jewels.
- I'm not gonna
steal her jewels.
- Well how does he know that?
- He'll just have to
take my word for it.
(dog barks)
- It's alright, Shawn,
I'll keep an eye on him.
- Where are my clothes?
- Mother needed
the room for hers.
(audience laughs)
- What did she do with mine?
- Well, she put them
away, what do you need?
- I need my slacks,
my shirt, my vest.
- Here you are.
Oh no, no, this is your tuxedo.
- What kind of...
- Oh, here we are, there.
- This is my good, look
at this, my good suit.
- It needs pressing.
- It was pressed.
- Then why is it wrinkled?
- Because your mother...
- Oh, here are your slacks.
- And where are my shoes?
- I think Mother put
them in the pocket.
(audience laughs)
- For the love of...
- Isn't that a handy
way to put things away?
- No, it's not!
- Don't yell, Mother
is taking a bath.
- What has that got
to do with putting...
- You get dressed,
and then we see
what we're going to do today.
- I know what I'm
going to do today,
I'm going to spray the corn.
- Well, that's not going to
be very amusing for Mother.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, but darling, my mother
has been here for two weeks,
and she's hardly
been out of the house.
- Look, that's not my fault,
why don't you take
her out and show her
all the sights around here?
- What sights?
- There are a lot of things,
take her up to the
museum in Picksley,
let her look at the dead frogs.
(audience laughs)
- Or go over to Ben Miller's,
get him to show her
his three legged rooster.
(audience laughs)
- Now, why would she want
to see a three legged rooster,
when we've got an
Aunt Max in the family?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
I forgot about uh...
- Oliver, I have a feeling,
that if we don't show Mother
a good time, she's
going to leave.
(audience laughs)
- When? (audience laughs)
- That wasn't very nice,
after she came all the way
from Europe to see us.
- She's seen us,
if she wants she can take
another look before she goes.
- Oliver!
- Lisa, I'll admit,
there's very little here
for your mother to
do, she'd be better off
with her friends in
Rome, Paris, London.
- But she came here to
get to know you better.
- Know me, she can't
even remember my name!
- Polliver!
- Oliver.
- Well, she was close.
- How do you shut off the hose?
- I'll do it.
- Mother, what would
you like to do today?
- Oh, that's up to
you and, uh, Escobar.
- [Oliver shouts] Oliver!
(audience laughs)
- Who is he calling?
- Mother, is there anything
you would like to see?
- Like what?
- Well, Mr. Miller has
a three legged rooster,
and the museum with the frogs.
- No, thank you,
you know darling,
I have been thinking,
I have an invitation
from the Duke to go
grouse hunting in Scotland.
If I left today...
- Mother, you cant!
- Can't what?
- Leave today.
- Yes she can.
- No, she can't.
- Look if that's what
she wants to do.
- But she doesn't!
- She said she did!
- Well, I really don't.
- Will you stay out of this?
(audience laughs)
- Oliver!
- Who's Oliver?
(audience laughs)
- Oh for the love of...
- Breakfast ready soon.
- Oh good Kyoto, I'm starved,
I'll be in as soon
as I get dressed.
- But what about
Mother's leaving?
- We can discuss that
while she's packing.
(upbeat theme music)
- Eggs benedict?
- You like?
- Oh, ho, ho, I sure do!
- So do dog.
(audience laughs)
- Eggs Benedict for a...
- He very fussy eater.
- Oh, what is that?
- Breakfast steak, you like?
- Oh, I certainly do!
- So do Countess,
this her breakfast.
(audience laughs)
- Well, could you make me some?
- Good morning Kyoto!
- Oh good morning
Master Douglas.
- Master Douglas?
- Oh, he your son, in Japan,
man who has son, very happy.
- He's not my son.
- Then, you not be
happy man in Japan.
(audience laughs)
- Look I don't care,
look, I'm very hungry,
I'd like to have
something to eat.
- I'm very hungry too,
is my breakfast ready?
- One minute!
- I ordered it last night,
boy I sure am glad Grandma
Countess brought Kyoto.
What a cook!
- She's not your grand...
- I no be here anymore,
Countess and I leaving today.
- She can't leave!
- Yes she can!
- But why?
- Mr. Douglas throw us out!
- Oh, I didn't.
- How could you do that
to such a wonderful woman.
Do you know what she did?
She sent to New
York for a suit for me.
It cost $200.
- 200? Oh, I don't believe it!
- You will when
you get the bill.
(audience laughs)
- What!?
- She charged it to you!
- She had no right to...
- How could you
throw out a generous,
kind hearted woman like her?
- Look, Eb, she's leaving
of her own free will,
she's bored here, there's
nothing for her to do.
- That's your fault, you never
even took her over to see
Ben Miller's three
legged chicken.
(audience laughs)
- There you are!
Eggs, sausage, ham, bacon,
country fried potatoes, toast,
- You forgot somthing.
- Oh yeah, hominy glits.
I fix 'em right away.
- Forget the glits, fix
me some breakfast!
- Your breakfast in oven,
I cook something special.
- Oh, something special.
- There you are.
(bubbling)
- Hot cakes?
- Your wife was
saying, you love them,
eat them every morning.
She show me, I cook
them just the way she does.
- Just the way she does.
- You like them
blooping like that.
- Could I have
some ham and eggs?
- Sorry, no more.
- Well, how 'bout
that breakfast steak?
- Last one for Countess.
- Um, eggs benedict?
(audience laughs)
- All gone.
- Well, what have you got?!
- Just bloopers.
- He means bloopers.
- I don't need you to translate
my wife's hot cakes for me!
- Well what do I do with those?
- Get some wire and some solder
and make transistor
radios out of them.
(audience laughs)
(sneezes)
- Hi Sam.
- Oh, hi Joe, how are
things at the Shady Rest?
- Ah, boomin' I'm thinking
of putting in a ski lift.
- What for?
- To lift skis.
- To lift ...?
- What kind of soda pop you got?
- I got lemon, lime,
orange, cherry,
raspberry, birch
beer, and strawberry.
- I'll take strawberry.
- That'll be 10 cents.
- 10 cents? Say is it all
right if I exchange this
for a bottle of orange?
- Yeah, go ahead.
That'll be 10 cents.
- How much was the strawberry?
- 10 cents.
- Well, I exchanged that for
the orange, so now we're even.
(audience laughs)
- We're not!
- You got an opener?
- Yeah, but it'll cost
you 10 cents to use it.
- Isn't that a little steep?
- Look, if you
want free soda pop,
you gotta pay for
the use of the opener.
- Well in that case
(audience laughs)
- Joe you ...!
- Here's mud in your eye.
- You blankety-blank!
- It's a dang shame,
that's what it is.
A dang shame.
- Have a free soda
pop, Eb, use my opener.
- They're not free.
- I don't want any
anyway, not the way I feel.
- What's a matter?
- Grandma Countess is
leaving, that's what's a matter.
- Well I thought she was
gonna stay another few weeks.
- Who was gonna stay?
- Mrs. Douglas' mother.
- Have a bottle of
free soda pop Haney.
- Free? I thought they's a dime?
- Well Sam's got a new
policy, the soda pop's free,
but he charges you 10
cents for the use of his opener.
- Oh, well then, in that case...
(audience laughs)
- Joe, will you stop...
- Why is the Countess leaving?
- Guess Mr. Douglas got
tired of her free loading.
Mmm, I think I'll have a lime.
- Joe, don't...
- I thought the
Countess liked it here.
- She does, but she's
bored, there's nothing to do,
nowhere to go.
- You mean Mr. Douglas
aint took her over to see
Ben Miller's three
legged chicken?
(audience laughs)
- No sir.
- This aint cold.
- Too bad.
- Got any ice?
- In the cooler.
- Where's the key?
- In the cooler.
Joe, you're driving
me out of my mind.
- Poor Grandma,
nobody ever takes her out,
she just sits there,
day after day,
like a bump on a log.
- Maybe that's the reason
they don't take her out,
who wants to go out with a
woman who looks like a log bump?
(audience laughs)
- You've never seen
her, she's very attractive.
In fact, she's
beautiful, more beautiful
than most wealthy women.
- Wealthy?
- Wealthy?
- Yeah, she's got a big
limousine and a villa in Italy,
and more jewelry
than Mrs. Douglas.
- Uh, care to make
a rough estimate
on how much the
jewelry is worth?
- A million dollars!
- Excuse me gentleman,
I just thought of
an errand I gotta do.
- Haney, if you're
thinking of...
oh that Haney, the
minute he smells money.
- I got an errand I gotta do.
- What kind of errand?
- An errand of mercy,
oh say, I'll need some
sure fire breath mints,
a tube of Black's
hair slick 'em,
and some Italian
after shave lotion,
put it in a sack and
I'll pick it up later.
(audience laughs)
- Joe, you outta be
ashamed of yourself.
- For doing my civic duty?
Saving that poor wealthy
woman from the clutches
of that no-good Haney.
(audience laughs)
- He's a good man.
(audience laughs)
(mellow theme music)
- Oliver?
- Hmm?
- Mother has most of
her suitcases packed,
she needs her trunk, will you
please get it out of the barn?
- Sure, I'd be glad to.
- That's what I thought you say.
- What did I say?
- That you are glad
that she's leaving.
- I said I'd be glad
to get the trunk.
- It's the same thing,
the trunk is for leaving,
and you're glad to get it.
- Oh, for... Lisa, you act as if
I'm throwing your mother out.
- Well, you finally admitted it.
(audience laughs)
- Your mother is leaving
because she hasn't got
anything to do.
- You could have found
her something else
besides a three legged chicken.
(audience laughs)
- It's your mother's decision,
so let's not argue
anymore about it.
Oh, Mr. Haney.
- Mr. Douglas, is her
lordship, the Countess anon?
- Anon?
What are you made up
for, this isn't Halloween, is it?
- Mr. Douglas, don't
you recognize a royal
tea drinking suit
when you see one?
- No, no I just...
- Would you mind tellin'
her royalness that I am here?
- Look, she's very busy now.
- It will just take a moment,
I just want to present
her with this $29 bouquet,
of fresh cut,
artificial flowers.
(audience laughs)
- $29 for that?
- Oh, hello there Mr. Haney.
- Mrs. Douglas.
- Don't you look nice in
your royal tea drinking suit.
(audience laughs)
- What are you talking
about, there's no such thing.
- Who are those for?
- Oh, you mean this $32 bouquet?
They're for your
charming mother.
- They were $29 two minutes ago.
- Well, as they
say, time is money.
Would you mind trotting
out her Countesship?
- Oh mother is just
a plain Countess,
she doesn't have
a ship on her hand.
Mother!
- Oh Lisa, I wouldn't
disturb her now, that she's...
- Oh Mother!
- Oh, what a beautiful voice
you have for mother calling.
- Oh Mother, there is...
- What's the matter darling?
- Somebody here
who want to meet you.
- Oh, oh we've met before.
- No, not me, him.
- You remember Mr. Haney.
- Yes, how do you do?
- May I present you with
this $47 bouquet of flowers?
(audience laughs)
- What happened to that
$29 bouquet you came in with?
- Thank you very much.
- My pleasure, Countess,
I've heard that you are
unhappy here, because you
have nothing to do but wash
your expensive limousine,
and polish your jewels,
and worry about
your villa in Italy.
- Well no, I...
- Madam, I have come to
relieve you of your boredom.
- Also your limousine,
your jewelry,
and your villa in Italy.
(audience laughs)
- Oliver.
I think it's very nice of
you to look after Mother.
What would you like to drink?
- Champagne would be fine.
- Champagne, uh, I
thought that was your
royal tea drinking suit?
- Oh, it's a reversible.
- Oliver, would you
please tell Kyoto
to put some
champagne on the ice?
- And put these into water.
- Water? These
are artificial flowers.
- Put them into
artificial water.
(audience laughs)
- He's not too bright, is he?
Now as I's about
to say, Countess,
seein' that we're
both bachelors,
I thought that perhaps you
and I could bach it together.
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, what I meant was,
I would like to escort you
to the outstanding social
event of the season,
the Hooterville Volunteer
Fire Department Mardi Gras.
- I'd love to go, but
I'm leaving today.
- Why not Mother, now
you have a reason to stay.
- Oh but Lisa...
- Oh she'll be
happy to go with you.
- Well, I guess I could stay.
- Huh, stay where?
- Here.
- She's already packed.
- But Mr. Haney
invited Mother to go
to the Fire Department
Mardi Gras with him,
isn't that wonderful?
- Wonderful? When will it be?
- A week from Friday night.
(audience laughs)
- A week from next Friday?
- Isn't that wonderful?
- Will you stop saying that?
- Don't you want her to stay?
- Oh, of course, of course,
but I don't think
she'll enjoy it as much
as the grouse
sh**ting in Scotland.
- Yes she will.
- No she wont.
- I'm sure I will.
- I'm sure you wont.
- Then it's all settled.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, by the way Countess,
are you doing
anything this evening?
- No, I am not.
- Good, then I'll be over to
watch television with you,
goodbye, or as we say in
Italian, arrive-in-your-derci.
- Arrive-in-your-derci?
- Until tonight then.
- Mother come, I'll
help you unpack.
(slow theme music)
- See you later.
(g*nshots from TV)
- Aint that Gene Autry great?
- Which one is she?
- Uh, no, no
Countess, he aint a she,
he's the feller on the horse.
- The one with the g*n,
that's shoosting the ataches.
- I believe they're Apaches.
- But it's hard to tell with
all that paint on their face.
- Watch this part Countess.
(groans)
- They're shoosting
up the ataches again.
Lisa, Lisa, - What's the matter?
- Set down, I gotta
get some sleep.
- Oh I'd love to, but Mr. Haney
and Mother are watching it.
- Oh, Mr. Haney,
if it wasn't for him
your mother would've...
- My mother what?
- Nevermind, just keep
the set down, shut the door
and let me go to sleep,
I got a big day tomorrow.
- Alright darling, sleep good.
(tv heard in the background)
(knocking)
- Aww, who's that?
Oh, hello Mr. Carson.
- Evening Mr. Douglas.
I was on my way to
do a little frog scaring,
I saw the light go out,
I thought maybe you had
a short circuit or something.
- Oh, no, no, no, I turned
off the light because...
- Oliver, I told you my...
Oh, hello there Mr. Carson.
- Evening Mrs. Douglas,
I just dropped by
to fix your short circuit.
- We don't have a short circuit.
- If the Countess would
like to watch me work at it.
- I'll ask her; Mother!
- Lisa, you don't have to...
- Get me a pair of
pliers and some tape.
- Look, there's
nothing wrong with...
- Yes, dear?
- Mother, this is Mr. Carson.
- Well how do you do?
(audience laughs)
- No, not me, him.
- Oh, oh hello Mr. Carson.
- How do you do, always
nice to meet a royal head.
- Mr. Carson came over
to fix our short circus.
- No, no, we don't
have a short circus...
uh, but a circuit, circuit.
- Yeah, I've done
a lot of electric work
for some of the biggest
crowns in Europe.
You ever been to Europe?
- I was born in Budapest.
- Oh, well you should
come to Europe some time,
you'd love it.
- Look, if you don't
mind, I'd like to...
- Oh, I thought you went to
get the pliers and the tape?
- No, I told you we...
- Yeah Countess, I
guess I've hob-knobbed
with most of the royal crowns.
You know, I bet you and me
got a lot of common friends.
- Wont you sit down?
- Yeah, come on babe.
- Look, Lisa, I want...
- Squatez vous, Countess.
- Squatez vous?
- Yeah, that's
French for sit down.
(audience laughs)
- You parlez French, Countess?
- Oui.
- Is that all you know?
(speaks in French)
- Yeah, I guess it
does look like rain.
(audience laughs)
- No, no, no,
Mother said that...
- Look, nevermind what
Mother said, I'd like to
schloffen on the couchen.
- Oh, Oliver.
- Don't you want to
see how the picture...
Joe Carson!
- Haney, what are
you doing here?
- Watching TV.
- With my finance?
- Fiance? I just met you!
- The longer you get to know me,
the more you realize what
a smart move you've made.
- Hold it, you aint
gettin' engaged to her!
I'm planning to
plight her in my troth.
- Plight her in your...
- What does that mean?
- I don't know, I just...
- Haney, the Countess requests
the presence of your leaving.
- I'll believe that
when I hear it
from my beloved's own lips.
- She aint your beloved,
and another thing...
- Gentlemen, please don't fight!
- I aint afraid of him,
he's got a yellow back
all the way up his street.
- Says you!
- Says me!
- I'll show you who has a...
- Hold it, if you two want
to fight, fight outside!
- Nobodies gonna tell us...
- Out!
- You big wind bag!
Help me on with it.
- Oliver, stop them, they
might hurt each other.
- Those two marshmallows?
- Oliver!
- I didn't start the fight.
- That's right, he
didn't, it wasn't his fault.
It was mine.
- But Mother, - Let
the nice lady talk.
- This couldn't have
happened if I had left
this afternoon
the way I planned.
- But we don't
want you to leave.
- Will ya let her talk?
- Darling, I've been here
for more than two weeks,
which is much more
than any mother in law
should visit with her children.
Not only did I start a fight
between those two men,
but you two started
quibbling with each other.
So the best thing I
can do for everyone,
including myself, is to leave
the first thing
tomorrow morning.
- Mother, I owe you an apology,
I thought you
were but you're not.
- Thank you Oliver.
- Who is Oliver?
- If you two ladies
will excuse me,
I'll make up the
couch again, and get...
- I'll sleep on the couch.
- What?
- I've kept you two
apart for long enough.
- Thank you, c'mon Lisa.
- Oh, Mother, are you
sure you'll be alright?
- I'll be fine.
- But...
- You heard your mother
now, she said she'd be fine,
c'mon Lisa.
- For one second,
do you want anything
before you go to sleep?
- No thanks.
- C'mon Lisa.
- Just a minute,
Mother, if you change
your mind about
staying... (door slams)
(Green Acres theme plays)
- He's a nice man,
that whatchamacallit.
(audience laughs)
(Green Acres theme plays)
- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
05x02 - Everybody Tries to Love a Countess
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.