05x03 - Where There's a Will

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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05x03 - Where There's a Will

Post by bunniefuu »

("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

(persistent knocking)

(rooster clucking)

- Oh, good morning, Charlie.

(rooster clucking)

Oh yes, you're right on time.

Go ahead.

(rooster crowing)

(audience laughing)

- What's going on here?

- I thought Charlie could
come in and crow the names.

- What names?

- Go ahead, Charlie.

(rooster crowing)

- Didn't finish that.

(rooster crowing)

(laughter from audience)

He always has trouble
remembering the Written By names.

- The written by?

Get him out of here.

- He has to do the Directed By.

Go ahead.

(rooster crowing)

(laughter from audience)

His heart wasn't in that one.

- What are you talking about?

- Get dressed and
I'm going to cook you

a wonderful breakfast.

(upbeat music)

- Spaghetti for breakfast?

- If it's good enough
for Dean Martin,

it's good enough for you.

- I'm not interested...

- Do you want meat sauce
on it, or tomato sauce?

- If you don't mind, I'll
just have orange juice.

- Yes, sir.

- I didn't mean the
orange juice on the...

Oh nevermind, I'll
get something else.

- Good morning!

- You clumsy oaf!

- Oh boy, my favorite breakfast!

Spaghetti with orange juice!

- You see, Eb likes it.

- He would.

You think you could
do anything with these?

- What are they?

- Eggs!

You've seen eggs before.

- Yes, but not like this.

The ones we have, they
come out of the chickens.

- You think you could fry 'em?

- Well, I could try.

- Let's see what else we got.

- Did Charlie come in and
crow the names this morning?

- Yes, and he did very well
except for the Written By.

- What are you
two talking about?

- What are you looking for?

- Something to go with the eggs.

What's this?

- That's the Birnbacher
commemorative pork package.

- Commemorative pork...?

- I don't know why
Charlie always has trouble

with the Written By.

- They put that out in
memory of Gus Birnbacher,

the president and founder of
the Birnbacher Pork Company,

who only last week passed on

to that great
slaughterhouse in the sky.

- What a way to go.

- They don't make men
like Mr. Birnbacher anymore.

His was a real success story.

He came to Chicago with
nothing but a pig and a dream

and he ended up
a multimillionaire.

Look, let me show you.

This is Herman, the
pig Mr. Birnbacher

started his business with.

It appeared on every
package of pork he put out

along with his famous slogan:

If you dig pig,

you'll blow your cork
over Birnbacher's pork.

- Oh, that's a real grabber.

- How do you want your eggs?

- Over.

- Lisa, you're supposed to
take the eggs out of the box.

- Have you lost interest in
the Gustav Birnbacher story?

- Yes.

- Mr. Birnbacher always said

that he owed his
success to Herman,

so in gratitude, he
left him all his money:

20 million dollars.

- Oh, he must have
been a real ding-dong.

- When you have as
much money as he did,

it's called paranoia.

- Well whatever it
was, it was ridiculous.

Leaving 20 million
dollars to a pig?

- Why?

People leave money
to dogs, cats, horses.

- I wonder what
Herman is going to do

with his 20 million dollars.

- Oh, Herman's long gone.

The money goes to his
heirs, if they can find any.

As a matter of fact,

there's a big search
going on right now

to see if they can find any
of Herman's descendants.

Dog gone!

Can you imagine?

Somewhere in this
country, there's a pig

worth 20 million dollars.

(jaunty music)
(audience chuckling)

- Hey, it's from Doris.

"Dear Arnold and Fred,"

now how come she
always gives you top billing?

(pig oinks)

"Your mother's leg
is improving rapidly

"and I should be home
in a couple of weeks.

"Love to you, Arnold,
and best regards to Fred."

(audience laughs) (pig grunts)

Two weeks?

I better get to washing
some of them dishes.

Arnold, get to that piano.

(pig grunts)

Oh, none of your back talk.

I promised Doris
I'd have you practice

20 minutes a day
while she's gone,

so when she gets
back from Philadelphia,

you can play the
Moonlight Sinatra.

(audience laughs)

(toy piano pings)

- And now for the news.

In Chicago, the lawyers
for the Birnbacher estate

continue for any direct
descendent of the pig

that was the famous
Birnbacher trademark, Herman.

- Arnold, you're
supposed to be practicing!

I... Herman?

Did he say Herman?

(pig grunts)

- So far, 50 pigs have claimed
to be Herman's legal heir,

but all have turned
out to be imposters,

including a fat dog who
was wearing a pig suit.

(audience laughs) (pig grunts)

If there is a pig
anywhere in this country

who can prove he
is Herman's heir,

he'd better come forward.

He has less than 30
days to make his claim.

And now, here's
tomorrow's weather report.

- Seems to me my grandfather
had a pig named Herman.

(pig grunts)

Now, if my grandfather's
pig was named Herman,

that'd make you, uh...

(pig grunts)

I'm callin' Doris.

She knows everybody's
name in the family.

Hello, Sarah?

Will you get me
Doris in Philadelphia?

Yeah.

(knock tapping)

- Why, hi there, Mr
Ziffel, how are you?

- Mr Douglas.
- Come on in.

(latch clicks) (pig squeals)

Well, I haven't seen
you in a long time.

How's... (knocking)

Oh, excuse me.

You?

You, how'd you
knock on the door?

- I got somethin' real
important talk to you 'bout.

- Oh, well, why
don't you sit down?

Not you.

Off. (pig squeals)

- Oh, hello Mr Ziffel.

- Hello, Mrs Douglas.

- Hello, Arnold.

- Ah, you sure do
give him the blushes.

- Won't you sit down?

- No, she wasn't talking to you.

Off. (pig squeals)

- That's all right, Arnold.

- It's not all right.

Now get off.

(pig squeals)

- Come on, Mr Ziffel, have
you heard from Mrs Ziffel?

- Yeah, just talked
to her on the phone.

She's in Philadelphia.

- Oh, how is your mother's leg?

- Well, Doris said
that it's healin' up fine.

- Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

You know, a broken
leg is pretty serious.

- Oh, especially at her age.

- How old is she?

- 80.
- How did she break it?

- She got bumped off the
track in the roller derby.

(audience laughs)

- In the roller...

- Yeah, that team's
sure gonna miss her,

because she's a
big point scorer.

- Oh...

- I come over here
to talk to you legal.

You're still a lawyer,
ain't you?
- Yes.

- Ain't been
disbarred or nothin?

- No, I...

What's the problem?

- I think Arnold
is an inheritor.

- An inheritor?

- What did he inheritate?

- Inheritate?

- Don't he know
them legal terms?

- I assume that what
you're trying to say

is that Arnold inheritated,
I mean, he inheritored,

somebody left him something.

- They sure did.

20 million.

- 20 million dollars?

- Now can he sit on the couch?

- No. (audience laughs)

Does this have any
connection with that story

Eb was telling us about
some nut named Birnbacher

who left all his money to a pig?

- Well, that guy wasn't
a nut, he was a paranoic.

- Well, whatever he was,
you think Bacon Bait here

is heir to the estate?

(pig grunts)

- Yep, Doris and me think

that Arnold is a direct
descendant of Herman.

- He's the pig that has his
picture on the pork package.

- Yes, I saw him.

- Now, here's what
I want you to do.

Since I can't leave here,

I want you to take
Arnold, go to Chicago,

do your legal stuff,
get that money,

and fetch it back here.

- Look, I...

- Be sure to count it, so
they don't short-change you.

(audience laughs)

- May we just slow
down a minute here?

You're assuming that Arnold
is related to this Herman, mm?

Do you have any proof?

- We sure do.

Arnold's a tail-predictor.

- A what.

- A tail-predictor?

He can predict what the
weather's gonna be with his tail.

- With his tail?

- Arnold's great
grandfather Herman

was also a tail-predictor.

He predicted the
Johnstown flood.

- If he knew there
was going to be a flood,

why didn't he warn everybody?

- He tried to, but he didn't
know which bus to take

to get to Johnstown.

- Well, that makes sense.

(audience laughs)

- It doesn't make...

- Anyway, Arnold
inherited Herman's talent

for predictin' what the
weather's gonna be by tail.

- I'll go pack your
bag for Chicago.

- I'm not going to Chicago.

(pig grunts)

Because, I... For the love of...

- Don't you want Arnold
to get his inheritation?

- On what basis?

Just because he had a
great-grandfather named Herman,

how do we know it
was the same Herman.

Mr Ziffel, do you
have any other proof?

Papers?

Bills of sale for
Herman, anything?

- Nope, all we
got's Arnold's tail.

- Then I don't
think I can help you.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

- Try another lawyer.

(pig grunts)

- Well, Arnold
says he wants you.

You the only
lawyer he can trust,

and besides, you work cheap.

- I don't work...

Look I'm sorry, Mr Ziffel,

I don't think I can
handle this for you.

- Well, I'm sorry, Arnold.

I guess we'll have to
find another cheap lawyer.

- Oh, don't do that.

I'll work on Mr Douglas.

But, Oliver...

- I told you, I'm
not getting involved.

- Oh, Oliver!

- No, no, no, please,
leave me alone.

I want to finish
weeding these carrots.

- Well, I'll help you.

Oh!

Look at the root on this weed.

(audience laughs)

- That's a carrot.

- Oh...

- Lisa, you can't
hammer the carrot...

Oh...

- Oliver, you could really
get the money for Arnold

if you tried.

- Look, I'll say it once more.

There is no way to get that
money from the Birnbacher estate

without some tangible proof

that Arnold is a
descendant of the pig

that they used on the package.

Mr Haney!

Those are carrots!

- They are?

Well, you can deduct any
damage I've done from my fee.

- What fee?

- My card.

- Mr Haney, Tracer
of Lost Pig Heirs.

Oh, for the love of...
(audience laughs)

- There's your answer, Oliver.

Mr Haney can help you to find
out about Arnold's ancestors.

- I accept the case,

now if I can have your
check for 5,000 dollars...

- What?

- That's the standard
pig tracer fee,

as set by the Pig
Tracers of America,

or as it's sometimes
called, the PTA.

Can I have the money?

- Mr Haney, how can you prove

that Arnold is
related to Herman?

- It's simple, I use the blood
sample comparison method.

Now, if you will just step

to the back of my
mobile laboratory,

I call it that because
it was given to me

by one of my grateful
clients, Mo Bile.

(audience laughs)
- Oh brother!

- That's just a little joke I
use before escorting people

to the back of the truck.

It sorta takes the
tension out of the air.

- Mm, it works!

I don't feel as tense as I did.

- There it is!

The famous Bulewacker
Blood Comparer.

- That's one of those
fortune-telling machines

you find in a...

- May I introduce my assistant,

the wax model of
Cornelia Bulewacker,

who invented the machine.

- How do you do?

- What are you saying, how...

- Now this machine
works on the theory

that blood is
thicker than water.

Now by placing a sample
of the tracee's blood

into the machine, then,
putting a dime into the slot,

and automatically, the
machine will match up

the blood of the
tracee and the tracor.

Now, since Arnold is a
member of the hog family,

Miss Bulewacker has been
programmed for pig blood,

which as you know contains
40% more suet than human blood.

(audience laughs)

- Mr Haney, if you don't get

that penny arcade
machine out of here...

- Penny arcade?

I believe I detect a tear
in Miss Bulewacker's eye.

- Lisa, let's...

- Hey, if you're not interested
in the scientific approach

how about a reliable witness

who can testify that
he knows positively

that Arnold is a direct
descendant of Herman?

- And who would that be?

- My card.

- Mr Haney,
Professional Pig Witness.

- For 10,000 dollars,
I will be willing

to get on the witness stand

and swear under oath,
that I know for a fact

that Arnold is Herman's
great grandson.

- Oliver, give him the money.

- Lisa, that'd be perjury.

- It would?

Well, in that case, my
fee would be 20,000.

- Goodbye, Mr Haney!

- Oh, come on, Cornelia, I'll
take you back to the arcade

before they miss you.
(audience laughing)

(jaunty music)

- Morning, Mr Drucker.

- Mornin', Mr Douglas.

Shall I fill her up?

- Huh?
- Check the oil?

- Well...
- I'm just practicing.

This is where I'm gonna
build my gas station.

- Oh, well...
- You don't think it'll be

too close to the
lunch room, do you?

- What lunchroom?

- The one I'm building right
next to the souvenir stand.

- What souvenir stand?

- For the tourists who'll be
flockin' here to Arnoldville.

- Arnoldville?

- We're renamin' the town.

It's the least we can do
for our wealthiest citizen.


- Oh, Mr Drucker, before
you change anything...

- Oh, I'm glad you came.

I've got something
inside I want to show you.

(quirky music)

How do you like 'em?

- What are they?

- Well, this is the official
Arnold Ziffel piggy bank.

I had Arnold plastered
and scaled down to size.

- That's the...

- Going to order 10,000 of them.

Arnold's promised to
autograph them for me.

- But Mr Drucker...

- And this is a people bank.

- A people bank?

- Yeah, well, I
figure a lot of tourists

will be bringing
their pigs with them,

and I don't think a pig would
want to buy a piggy bank.

- So you're going to
sell them a people bank.

- Right, now, this is
the same kind of football

that Arnold uses when he
plays with the kids at school.

It's made out of plastic.

He's real sensitive
about using pigskin.

- I can see where he would be.

- I'm orderin' 5,000 of them.

- But, Mr Drucker, aren't
you jumping the g*n a little?

- Oh, I want to get
in on the ground floor.

This town is going to see
the biggest pig boom in history.

- Mr Drucker, it hasn't
been established yet

that Arnold is the legal heir
to the Birnbacher fortune.

- Oh, well, we ain't
worried about that,

with you handling
things for him.

You're the best
pig lawyer in town.

- I am not a...

- Oh, by the way, when
you're in Chicago with Arnold,

maybe you could stop in
at the novelty house, and...

- I'm not going to Chicago.

- What?

- I'm not getting
involved in this.

- What?

- I have not accepted
Arnold as a client.

- What?

- Will you stop saying what?

- Why?

(audience laughs)

- Mr Drucker...

- Mr Douglas, how can
you do this to Hooterville?

- I'm not doing
anything to Hooterville.

- You're flushin'
it down the drain.

- Mr Drucker, an
attorney has a right

to accept a client
or not, as he wishes.

- Well, not in Hooterville.

In Hooterville, you're
either for Hooterville,

or you live in Pixley.

- Look, now see here...

- Now, take my
advice, Mr Douglas,

either change your
mind or start packin'.

- I am not changing my mind,

and I am not packing.

(comedic music)

- Dog gone, just when the
Auto Club was gonna put

Hooterville on their road maps.

- Howdy, Mr Douglas.

- Oh, hi.

- Arnold's been waitin' for ya.

He's all packed for Chicago.

- I'm not going to Chicago.

(pig grunts)

Look, Eb, forget Arnold.

Get out on the field and
finish weeding those carrots.

- There's no sense in me
walkin' all the way out there

when it's gonna pour any minute.

- Who said that?

- Arnold's tail,
see, it's all curly.

That means rain!
(audience laughs)

- Well, I'm sorry
to disagree with it,

but the Weather Bureau says

no rain in sight
for the next month.

Now get to work.

- But Mr Douglas,
Arnold's tail...

- I don't want to hear
anymore about Arnold, his tail,

or Chicago!

Lisa!

- Oh, Oliver!

Oliver, oh, you
found your suitcase.

- Who left that there?

- Oh, I packed it for you
for your trip to Chicago.

- I'm not going to Chicago.

- Well, then you better
take your suitcase

and move to Pixley.

- All this fuss
over a stupid pig.

- Have you got
20 million dollars?

- No.
- And you call him stupid?

(audience laughs)

- He hasn't got
20 million dollars.

- Well, he would, if you
wouldn't pull this fink act.

(audience laughs)

- Look how many times
do I have to tell you that...

(loud knocking)

Now what?

Come in!

- Hi, Mr Douglas.

- Mr Kimball?

- Well, I'll get
right to the point.

(audience laughs)
- What point?

- Oh, no, I believe
it's West Point.

Yeah, that's where they train...

- Mr Kimball, what did
you want to see me about?

- See you about?
- Yes.

- Oh, yes.

- Well?

- Oh, the town council
has appointed me

a committee of one
to come over and...

No, they appointed
me a committee of three.

Wonder what happened
to the other two fellas?

(audience laughs) Well,
whatever I am, I'm here.

- For what?

- Oh, to get you to
change your mind

about going to, where were
you supposed to go again?

- Chicago.

- Oh, yes, to get
you to go to Chicago

to get...

What were you
supposed to get again?

- To get Arnold's money.

But I'm not going.

- Well, the town council told me

that if I couldn't get
you to change your mind,

I was to deliver the
following message.

Um... Following message...

(audience laughs)
- What is the message?

- Gee, I forgot.

Can I use your telephone
to call the council?

- Help yourself.

- To what?

- The phone!

- Oh, don't you
need it any more?

- Bye, Mr Kimball.

- Oh, well, goodbye
Mr um... (chuckles)

(audience laughs)

- This town is unbelievable.

Hey, what are you packing for?

- If you won't take
Arnold to Chicago

then I'm going to take him there

to get his inheritation.

- How can you get it?

It requires a lawyer.

- I've been married
to one long enough

to know all the
tricks of the trade.

I know how to tell the
loops from the holes

and the whereases
from the whereforers.

- All right, go ahead,
make a fool of yourself.

- You'd let me do that?

- I always have.
(audience laughs)

Oh no, I mean... Look, Lisa.

There's absolutely no proof

that Arnold is the
pig they're looking for,

but if it will make you happy,

I'll call the Birnbacher
lawyer in Chicago

and I'll talk to
him about Arnold.

- Oh, why that
would be wonderful!

And don't forget to
take your umbrella.

Arnold's tail says
it's going to rain.

- Oh, pussycat!

- Charles Gerber speaking.

- Are you the attorney
for the Birnbacher estate?

- Yes, I am.

- My name is Douglas,
Oliver Wendell Douglas,

and I'm calling you
about Arnold Ziffel.

You see...
- Who is Arnold Ziffel?

- Oh, he's a pig.

And he might possibly be
the heir that you're looking for.

- Oh, is this your pig?

- Oh, no, no-no,
I'm an attorney.

- Oh, you're the pig's lawyer.

(audience chuckles)
- Ah, not exactly.

Fred Ziffel...
- Is that Arnold's brother?

- Oh, no, no-no,
Fred's Arnold's father.

Well, anyway, he came over
and he asked me if I would...

- And this Fred
is a talking pig?

- No, he's a talking man.

Mr Gerber, if
you'll just allow me,

oh, darn it!

- Now what?

- It's starting to rain,
I'm getting all wet.

- Oh, your roof leaks.

- No, I'm calling from the
top of a telephone pole.

- The top of a...

- Yeah, that's where
our telephone is.

- Is it cheaper that way?

- No, it's...

- Oliver! Oliver!

It's raining!

- I know!

- I told you you should
have listened to Arnold's tail.

- Oh, you and that dumb tail.

- I beg your pardon?

- No-no, I was
talking to my wife.

She thinks Arnold can
predict the weather with his tail.

- With his tail?

Mr Douglas, what
would you say if I told you

that Herman the Birnbacher
pig had the same talent

for predicting the
weather with his tail?

- You mean you
think it's possible

that Arnold is...
- He might just be.

Now, I suggest that
you get the Ziffels

to bring Arnold here to Chicago.

We'll discuss
the matter further.

- Fred can't leave his farm

because his wife
is in Philadelphia.

- Mr Douglas, will you
bring the pig to Chicago?

- Look, Mr Gerber, I'm
getting soaked, and I...

- Mr Douglas, we're anxious
to get this estate settled.

- All right!

I'll bring him!

Goodbye!

- [Lisa] Next week, we
take Arnold to Chicago

to claim his 20 million dollars.

See what money
will do, even for a pig?

- Take Mr Ziffel
to the Royal Suite.

- Yes, sir!

May I have your bag, Mr Ziffel?

- See what happens
when a beautiful girl

is caught taking a bath.

Hello there!

And see Arnold's new
wardrobe made for him

by Al Capone's old tailor.

All this and more, next
week on Green Acres.

("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)

This has been a Filmways
presentation, Darling.
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