05x04 - A Tale of a Tail

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Lisa, have you
finished packing yet?

The plane leaves in an hour.

- Oliver.
- What?

- Do you like this
cocktail dress?

- Well, you've
already packed two.

- Well, the way you
drink, I need at least three.

Now, would you please
find me another suitcase?

- I'll look in the closet.

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

Where's Mr. Douglas?

- He's in the closet
looking for a suitcase.

- Oh.

You ought to turn
the light on in there

so you can see better.

- Why don't you be more...

- Mr. Douglas, you're famous.

Mr. Drucker wrote a
whole story about you

in the World Guardian.

They got a picture
of you and everything.

Look.

- That's not a very good
picture of you, Oliver.

- That's not me.
- Oh, his picture's

on page six with
the underwear ads.

But listen to what
they wrote about you.

Local pig to become
multimillionaire.

- I'm not a local pig.

- Arnold Ziffel will
leave for Chicago today

to put in his claim
for the estate

of the late Gustav
Burnbacher, the pork king.

In his will, Mr. Burnbacher
left his entire fortune

to Herman the pig,

whose picture appeared on
every Burnbacher pork product.

- I thought you said
this story was about me?

- You're comin' up soon.

Unfortunately, Herman
d*ed of a broken heart

grieving over
Mr. Burnbacher's demise,

and under the terms of the will,

the estate goes to any of
Herman's living relatives.

- There is nothing sadder
than a pig with a broken heart.

- I think this whole
thing is a lot sadder.

- What does it say
about Mr. Douglas?

- Later.

Arnold's claim to the
estate is based on his ability

to predict the
weather with his tail,

a trait which he inherited
from his great grandfather,

Herman, who was also
a famous tail predictor.

- This is ridiculous.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Here you are.

Arnold will be
accompanied to Chicago

by Oliver Wendell Douglas,
the famous pig lawyer.

- Pig lawyer?

- And when you went to Harvard,

they said you wouldn't
amount to anything.

- They were right.

- Arnold will also be
accompanied on his trip

by Mrs. Lisa Douglas, the
beautiful and glamorous wife

of Oliver Douglas,
the famous pig lawyer.

- Why do they keep saying that?

- Because Arnold is a
pig, and you are his lawyer.

- Also in the party will
be Arnold's lifelong friend,

Eb Dawson.

- Oh no.

Oh no, you're not going.

- It says right here
in the paper I am.

- I don't care what it says in
the paper, you are not going.

- Mr. Douglas, you've
gotta take me with you.

I'm the only one that can
translate Arnold's grunts

into English and his tail
into weather forecasts.

- I don't care.

You are not going.

I want you to stay here
and take care of the farm.

- Well, you're going
to look pretty silly

when the Burnbacher lawyer
asks you what Arnold's tail

says about the weather
and you sit there staring at it

with a dumb look on your face.

- Look, Lisa...

- I can be a bigger help to
you in Chicago than I can here.

I can pigsit at night
while you and the beautiful

and glamorous Mrs. Douglas
are out gettin' crocked.

- Eb, you are not going.

(knocking)

Come in.

- Howdy, folks.

- Howdy.

(pig grunting)

The Red Baron flies again.

- Mr. Ziffel, we were going
to pick Arnold up on the way

to the airport.

- Well, Arnold couldn't wait.

He's anxious to
get on the plane.

- What's the weather gonna
be for the flight, Arnold?

(pig grunting)

Great.

According to Arnold's tail,
it's gonna be fair and warmer

with a few scattered
clouds over Nebraska.

The barometer reads
30.2, and the dewpoint is...

- Will you knock it off?

- Well, anyway, his tail
does say fair and warmer.

Now, can I go?

- No.

- Hear that Arnold?

Mr. Douglas ain't
gonna let me go with you.

(pig grunting)

Arnold says if I
don't go, he don't go.

- Well, fine, then
I won't have to go.

I'm not crazy about
the whole idea anyway.

Going to Chicago
to represent a pig.

(pig squealing)

- Mr. Douglas, me and Doris
and Arnold are countin' on you,

and we want you to know that
when Arnold gets his money,

we won't forget the pig
lawyer that made it possible.

- If people don't stop
calling me a pig lawyer.

- Oh, Oliver, my father
always said it doesn't matter

what they call you, as long
as you know who you are.

- That sounds like something
your father would say.

- Mr. Douglas, I'd feel a
lot better if you'd take Eb.

He'd be a lot of company for
Arnold, and he could babysit

with him while you two
are out gettin' crocked.

- Who started all this
business about getting crocked?

- You did with
all your drinking.

- Lisa, I don't think
that... (pig grunting)

- Arnold says we
better get going

or we're going
to miss the plane.

- Tell him.

Never mind, get the bags.

Put 'em in the car.

- Includin' mine?

- Okay, including yours.

- Chicago, here we come!

- [Announcer] Your
attention please.

Now arriving at Gate Six.

Transbixley Airlines
Flight 14 from Hooterville.

Passengers, please claim
your baggage at counter three.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Where is Arnold?

- He stopped to buy a camera.

- A camera?

- Yeah, he said he wanted
to send pictures of Chicago

to Doris and Fred.

- Oh, I hope he won't get lost.

- I couldn't be that lucky.

- Oliver.

- Oh, that we could
forget this whole nightmare

and get back to...
- Baggage checks, please.

- Oh, I have eight pieces.

- There are only
seven checks here.

- Oh, here is one.

This is for my jewelry case.

- That black one's mine.

- Yeah, and that brown
one right there is mine.

- Could we get a porter?

- Sorry, Mack, but
there aren't any.

Just a second, sport.

What are you?

That's a pig.

- Care to have him
take your picture?

- Leave that bag alone.

- That's his.

- Where's his check?

- He ate it.

- I'm sorry, no baggage
without a check.

(pig grunting)

- You'd better show a
little more respect to Arnold.

You know what he's worth?

- Oh, with the
current pice of pork,

I'd say about 30 bucks.

- He's worth $20 million.

- $20 million?

Hey, is this the pig I've been
reading about in the papers

that's gonna inherit
the Burnbacher fortune?

- That's him, Arnold Ziffel.

(pig grunting)

- Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Ziffel.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, sir.

You don't need no baggage check.

- How about a porter?

- Oh, he doesn't
need a porter either.

I'll take his bag.

Right this way, Mr. Ziffel.

Say, I got an invention you
might be interested in backing.

- Oh, for the love.

- How do you do, and
how may I help you?

- May we have a room please?

- And do you have a reservation?

- Yes, the name is Douglas.

- Douglas, let me see.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid we
don't have any reservation

for a Douglas.

- Oh, well maybe he made
it under another name.

Some time he
uses Smith or Jones.

- Lisa.

The name is Douglas.

- Well, I'm sorry, sir, but...

What is that?

- It's a pig.

- I'm sorry, sir.

We do not allow
animals in our hotel.

- He has a reservation.

- Not here.

Maybe at the stockyards.

(pig squealing)

- Mr. Ziffel says he
wants to see the manager.

- Well, you tell Mr. Ziff.

Did you say Ziffel?

- That's right, Arnold Ziffel.

(pig grunting)

- Isn't that the
gentleman who's heir

to the Burnbacher estate?

- That's the one.

- Look, about our room.

- Just a moment.

Mr. Ziffel, I can't tell
you what an honor it is

to have you stay with us.

We've reserved the
presidential suite for you.

(pig grunting)

- Arnold wants to know if
you got something better.

- Well, there's the royal suite.

(pig grunting)

- He says he'll take that.

- Very good. (bell ringing)

Show Mr. Ziffel
to the royal suite.

- Yes, sir.

May I have your bag, Mr. Ziffel?

- If you have any
trouble getting a room,

have 'em call Arnold.

- Are you with
Mr. Ziffel's party?

- Yes, my husband is his lawyer.

- Lisa, do you have
to tell everybody I'm...

- Well, if you're
with Mr. Ziffel,

I'm sure that we can
find something for you.

Let me see.

- After you, please.

- What is this?

- It's called a
junior suite, sir.

- Suite?

- Excuse me, please.

- Watch it.

- I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry.

Here we go.

It should just be a moment here.

This is the bathroom, sir.

- [Oliver] What the?

- Oh, that's handy.

You can step right out
of bed and into the tub.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

And this is your
cedar-lined closet.

Well, door's warped again.

You see, you're right
over the boiler room here,

and the steam comes
up through the floor.

- That's why it's so hot here.

- Isn't there a
window in this room?

- Yes, sir, but
it's in the closet.

- Oh, we're not going to...

- I'll get your bag, sir.

Oh, excuse me.

Here, would you mind
moving over just a tiny bit.

That's it.

I think I got it now.

Okay, sure it's fine.

I'll just be a second here.

Just takes nothing but a minute.

Be back in a moment, sir.

- Oh, sorry.

I'm gonna call the manager.

Where's the telephone?

(knocking)

Come in.

- [Eb] I can't open the door.

- Just a second.

Excuse me, let me get through.

- Hi.

Oh, you got yourself
a junior suite.

- This isn't a...
- Where is Arnold?

- Oh, he's up in our
suite taking a sauna bath.

- You have a sauna bath?

- Yeah, it's right off
the fourth bedroom.

Or it it off the dining room?

No, the dining room's
off the ping pong room,

right next to the throne room.

- The throne room?

- All royal suites
have a throne room.

- Look, I'm in no mood for...

- Anyway, Arnold wants to
know when we're all goin' over

to see the Burnbachers' lawyer.

- Look, I'll call for
an appointment

as soon as I can
find the telephone.

- [Bellboy] Your luggage, sir.

- I didn't order any luggage.

- No, that's ours.

- Where do you want it, sir?

- Well, where would you suggest?

- Well, most people
who take this room

just keep it right on the bed.

- That's handy.

- So is the bathtub.

You can step right out of
bed and step into the tub.

- Golly, this is really a
well thought out hotel.

- Would you like
anything else, sir?

- If I did, where
would you put it?

Where's the phone?

- Right here, sir.

- Thank you.

- Have a nice day.

The maintenance man
will be up right away to fix

the closet door.

Excuse me.

- Well, I think I'll freshen up.

Oh, Oliver.

Oliver, would you
please move the bed?

- Oh, yeah.

Would you mind
getting out of the way?

- Yes, sir.

- Get off the bed!

- Well, you told me
to get out of the way,

and the only way to go was up.

- Well, see you fellows later.

(knocking)

- Who's there?

- [Maintenance Man]
Maintenance man.

- Just a second.

Come in.

- Is this the suite with
the stuck closet door?

- Yeah, yeah come on in.

- Hello?

I want long distance.

Hooterville 2331.

I want to talk to Sam Drucker.

He appointed me the
Chicago correspondent

for the World Guardian.

I'm supposed to call
him every day and tell him

what's happening with
the Arnold Ziffel story.

- Sure is stuck.

The steam from the boiler
room makes the wood swell up.

Someday that old
boiler's gonna come up

right through this room, blow!

- Right up through the...
- Hello, hello?

Didn't they answer yet?

- There we are.

Hey, you get a nice view of
the lake if you don't hang up

any clothes in there.

- What kind of a hotel...
- Hello, hello?

- I'd better check that
one too, pardon me.

- Hello there.

- [Maintenance
Man] How do you do?

- Close the door,
you bird brain.

- Who you calling a bird brain?

- Mr. Drucker?

- Hello, hello?

- Hello.

- Eb?

- Oh no, the name is Kimball.

Hank Kimball.

Well, not Kimball Hank Kimball.

- Please.

Hello?

- Hello.

- What's happenin' in Chicago?

- Gee, I don't know,
I haven't been there.

- I'm trying to talk to Eb.

Hello?

- Hello.

- Eb, what's?

I can't hear you.

What's all the commotion there?

What?

Holy sesame seeds.

Mr. Douglas is havin'
a fight with some fella.

- What about?

- This fella opened the
door on Mrs. Douglas

while she was in the bathtub.

- Wowee, that Chicago
really swings, huh?

- Hello?

- Hello.

- What about Arnold?

- Oh, didn't you hear?

He went to Chicago
to get $20 million.

- Hank, will you keep
your big nose out of this?

Look, Eb, when is Arnold
gonna get his money?

I can't hear ya, will
you talk a little louder?

- I'd be glad to.

- Hello?

- Hello.

- Look, what?

Oh, okay, I'll hold on.

The house detective just came
to take the other fella away,

and the hotel
doctor's trying to stop

Mr. Douglas' nose bleedin'.

- Boy, there's never a
dull moment in Detroit.

- They're in Chicago.

- Didn't they like Detroit?

- Hello?

- Hello.

- What?

When is Mr. Douglas gonna
see the Burnbacher lawyer?

Oh, as soon as his
nose stops bleedin'.

Well, look, you call me
back and let me know

after they have their meeting.

- I'd be glad to.

- Good bye.

- Well, good bye.

- Of all the dad-blamed.

(grumbling)

- It's a pleasure to meet you
Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas.

- Sorry we're late.

- You see, we had to
wait for Mr. Douglas' nose

to stop bleeding.

He got into this terrible
fight with this man

who opened the bathroom
door while I was taking a bath.

- I don't understand.

- Well, you see, we've
got this junior suite.

Well, I guess it's
not really a suite.

It's a small room.

And you've gotta push the bed
over against the opposite wall

in order to open
the bathroom door.

- It has a lovely view of
the lake from the closet.

- From the closet?
- Yes.

- Won't you sit down?

- Thank you.

- I was hoping that you would
bring the Ziffel pig with you

so that we could settle this
matter as quickly as possible.

- Eb was supposed to
meet us here with Arnold.

He's Arnold's interpretator.

- Did you have an
opportunity to read that copy

of Mr. Burnbacher's
will I sent you?

- No, I didn't.

- Lisa, Mr. Gerber's
talking to me.

Yes, yes I did read it.

It's a pretty strange document.

- Well, Mr. Burnbach
was a pretty strange man,

but it was his money, and if
wanted to leave it to a pig...

- Didn't he have any relatives?

- Just a sister-in-law
and her son,

but he couldn't stand them.

- That's the way my father
feels about Mr. Douglas.

That's why he's cutting
him out of his will.

- Your father doesn't have
anything to leave anybody

except a trunk full of
old Rubinoff records.

- Well!

My father has...

- May we please stick
to the subject at hand?

- Certainly.

- What is it?

When does Arnold get the money?

- Well, first we have
to establish that Arnold

is related to Herman.

Now, our research shows that
Mr. Burnbacher met Herman

in Hooterville, and your
Arnold comes from Hooterville.

- And Arnold can tell
the weather with his tail

just like Herman could.

- As soon as you can prove
that to my satisfaction...

(knocking)

Come in.

- Howdy, sorry we're late,
but Arnold wanted to stop

and pick up his sports coat.

- Sports coat.

- Isn't that beautiful?

- It looks like something Al
Capone would have worn.

- It was made
by Al's old tailor.

(pig grunting)

Arnold says it has a
built-in holster for his gat.

- If you don't mind, I'd
like to see a demonstration

of weather-predicting ability.

- Certainly.

Eb?

- Yes, sir.

All right, Arnold,
for $20 million,

what's the weather
gonna be like today?

- They don't even make
movies as bad as this.

- Come on, Arnold,
your forecast.

Holy smoke, he's
forecasting snow.

- In July?

- That's what his tail says.

See, it's curly and blue.

That means snow.

- May I read the official
United States weather forecast

for you for today?

Continued hot weather with
temperatures ranging in the 90s.

- How about two out of three?

- [Gerber] I'm sorry, I'm
afraid this is not the pig.

- Just a moment.

And where do you
think you're going?

- To our room.

- Oh no, you're not.

- Why not?

- You, sir, are persona
non grata in this hotel.

- Well, that's the first
time you ever registered

under an Italian name.

- He means that...

- And would you
please get that filthy pig

out of our elevator?

- He ain't no filthy pig.

That's Mr. Ziffel.

- He was Mr. Ziffel.

Predicting snow in July?

- I just can't understand it.

It's the first time his tail
has ever been wrong.

- Well, maybe his
coat was too tight.

- No, I think it's because
he spent too much time

in the sauna bath.

The heat affected his predictor.

- His predictor?

- You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Pawning off a fraudulent
pig as a millionaire.

- I don't know why
you're blaming Mr. Grata.

When you thought that
Arnold was a millionaire,

you fell all over him,
but now that he blew it

with his tail, you're treating
him like he was a nothing.

Well, to you he
may be a nothing,

but to me he'll
always be a big pig.

- Well said, Mrs. Grata.

Well, let's go pack.

- We packed for you.

- Well, all right,
let's get out of here.

- Not until you've
paid your bill.

- I'll be glad to.

$885, for what?

- It's all itemized.

$350 for the royal
suite for one night.

$228 for room service.

- Room service?

- Arnold threw a champagne
party for all the chambermaids.

- And $185 for repapering
the ping pong room.

- Arnold didn't
like the wallpaper.

- Well, all I'm paying for is
that so-called junior suite.

Now, how much was that?

- Six dollars for the room

and $25 for the services
of the hotel doctor.

- Here's your money.

Eb, get a cab.
- Yes, sir.

- And who's going
to pay the pig's bill?

- Get it from him.

- I will, one way or another.

- What do you mean by that?

- If we don't get it in cash,
we'll take it out in pork.

(pig squealing)

- Oh, don't worry, Arnold.

We won't let them
sausage you up.

Oliver.

- Mr. Douglas!

It's snowing!

- What?

- In July?

- Arnold, your tail was right.

You're a millionaire again.

(pig grunting)

- Mr. Ziffel, I can't tell
you how honored we are

to have you staying
at our hotel again.

- I can't believe it.

I just can't believe it.

- I think it's wonderful,

and you're wonderful for
all you've done for Arnold.

- Well, it's a pig lawyer's
job to look after his client.

- What about a
pig lawyer's wife?

Does he also look after her?

- You know it.

There's a bottle of
champagne under the bed.

Arnold sent it down.

He's giving another champagne
party for the chambermaids.

- No wonder we
can't get any towels.

- Oh, well, he's having fun.

- Yeah, he better be careful.

He's gonna spend all his
money before he gets it.

- When does he get it?

- Oh, there's a lot of
red tape to go through.

The will have to go to probate.

All kinds of papers
to be signed.

- Why don't you get a couple
of glasses from the bathroom

for the champagne?

- Hey, good idea.

I'll be right back.

Oh, now who left
the water in the tub?

Well, long as I'm here,
might as well take a hot bath.

Don't go away.

(twangy country music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.