05x11 - Ralph's Nuptials

[bunniefuu]

(cheerful music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

(cheerful music)

(Ralph knocking)

(Ralph knocking)

- [Oliver] Hmm?

- Oliver, there is somebody
knocking at the front door.

(Ralph knocking)

- You're right.

(audience laughs)

- Oliver.

- Oh, ignore it.

Maybe they'll go away.

(audience laughs)

(Ralph knocking)

- They didn't go away.

- Well, what do
you want me to do?

- What'd you say?

Oh, for the love of it, grab
your robe and see who it is.

- Oh, for the love of it.

(audience laughs)

(playful music)

(Ralph knocking)

(audience laughs)

(Ralph knocking)

Oh, Ralph.

What do you want?

- Did I wake you up?

- Yes.

- I'm sorry, but I
wanted you to be

the first to hear the good news.

Guess what?

- You're for arrest.

(audience laughs)

- I'm engaged.

I'm gonna be married.

- Congratulations.

(audience laughs)
(playful music)

- Who was it?

- It was Ralph.

- What did she want?

(Ralph knocking)

- She'll tell you.

- You big jerk.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Douglas.

- What's the matter, Ralph?

- Didn't the sorehead
tell you the good news?

(audience laughs)

I'm gonna be married.

- Oh, isn't that marvelous?

Who's the lucky man?

- Oh, what a
horrible thing to say

about some poor nearsighted guy.

- If I weren't so happy, I'd
kick you right in the slacks.

(audience laughs)

- Look, Ralph.

- Who is it?

- Well, his initials are H.K.

- Harry Caray?

(audience laughs)

- Hank Kimball.

- Ralph, I wish you
both a lot of happiness.

- And so do I.

How did it happen?

- Well, as you know...

- Do you mind if I
go back to bed now?

I've got an old dream to finish.

- Oliver, you're
terribly impolite.

Now come on, come on.

Tell me all about it.

Sit down.

You too, Oliver.

- Well, as you know, Hanky
and I have been going together

for almost eight years,

but he was always too
shy to pop the question.

Well, anyway, last
night we went to

a drive-in movie
like we always do.

Except this time, there
was something different.

- What was that?

- The back seat was broken

and he had to sit
up front with me.

(audience laughs)

- How did you manage to
break it without him knowing it?

(audience laughs)

- Oliver.

Go on, Ralph.

- Well, anyway, they were
showing this torrid love scene

between Cary Grant
and Sophia Loren

and I turned to
Hanky and I said,

"I bet you can make
love better than that."

(chuckles)

- And what did he do?

- Oh, nothing, he'd
gone off to get popcorn.

(audience laughs)

- Oh boy.

- Anyway, he was gone
about a half an hour

when I heard this girl
in the next car scream

and I looked over and the door
flew open and Hanky flew out.

- What?

- He'd gotten
into the wrong car.

- The wrong...

- Then this big fellow got out

and he started
b*ating up on Hank

and I jumped out
and I started swinging

and I heard this siren
and, well, anyway,

coming home from the
emergency hospital, Hank proposed

and I accepted before the
sh*t they gave him wore off.

(audience laughs)

- Isn't that a romantical story?

- Yeah.

- When is the
wedding going to be?

- A week from next Sunday.

- Oh, isn't that wonderful?

I'll tell you what
we're going to do.

Mr. Douglas and I are going to

give you the
wedding as a present.

- Lisa.

- Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

- Oh! (audience laughs)

- Wait till I tell Hanky.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa, why did
you say that we'd...

- Well, Oliver, it's just
going to be a simple affair.

We'll get the chef from
the 21 Club from New York

to fly out and cater it
and we'll get a big band.

- Yeah, how 'bout
John Philip Sousa?

- Well, if that's who
you like, we'll get him.

(audience laughs)
- Now, Lisa, will you please...

- Oliver, just leave
the details to me.

(cheerful music)

- The one thing I
don't understand

is why they're getting married.

It seems kind of old-fashioned.

- What do you
mean old-fashioned?

- Well, you hardly
see a movie today

where anybody's married anymore.

(audience laughs)

- Eb, you're seeing the
wrong kind of movies.

- No, sir, this was Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Nobody was married in that.

(audience laughs)

- Eb, why don't you just...

- What are you gonna
give Ralph and Mr. Kimball

for a wedding present?

- We're gonna pay
for the wedding.

- Golly, you're a
real generous man.

Not with me, but
with everybody else.

(audience laughs)

- Look, Eb.

- Hey, here comes the
blushing bridegroom.

(audience laughs)

- Aw, Eb, why
don't you watch it.

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, Eb.

- Hiya, Mr. Kimball.

I understand
congratulations are in order.

- Oh, they are?

Congratulations.

What did you do?

- I didn't.

We're talking about the wedding.

- Oh, somebody getting married?

(audience laughs)

- You are.

- To who?

- Ralph Monroe.

- Oh, that wedding.

(audience laughs) Yeah,
got engaged last night.

Yeah, how do you like
the engagement ring?

Oh, I guess I gave it to Ralph.

We're gonna take
turns wearing it.

(audience laughs)

- Oh boy.

- Did you know Mr. Douglas
is paying for the wedding?

- What wedding?

(audience laughs)

- Yours.

(audience laughs)

- Gee, that's mighty
nice of you, Mr. Douglas.

I hope you'll invite me.

I love weddings.

(laughs) (audience laughs)

- Yes, if there's
room, I'll try to.

- Yeah, well, thank you.

(whistles)

(audience laughs)

- You know, it
doesn't seem right

to do that to anybody,
even to Ralph.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Eb!

(playful music)

(cheerful music)

Lisa?

Lisa?

- What do you want?

- Haven't you
started dinner yet?

- No, I've been busy.

I've been on the phone
talking to New York

to get the estimates
for the wedding.

- New York?

- Yes, I've got three estimates.

Which one do you want,
the most expensive one?

- No, the cheapest.

- $17,000.

(audience laughs)

- 17,000.

How much is the
most expensive one?

- $98,000.

That's with the Rockettes
dancing the Wedding March.

(audience laughs)

- We don't need the Rockettes.

- You don't have any class.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Lisa, I'm not
spending anything like that.

- Well, if you'd
just come outside

and let me show you
what I have in mind.

I thought we'd have
the wedding out here

on account of all the guests.

- Well, how many
people are you expecting?

- Well, Ralph gave
me the list of her side.

485 people.

(audience laughs)

- 485?

- 12 of them are relatives
and the rest of them

are members of the
County Carpenter's Union.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, great.

How many people does
Mr. Kimball get to invite?

- Six, including him.

(audience laughs)

Now, what I had in mind
is we have the alter there

and the aisle down here.

- May I make a suggestion?

- Mr. Haney.

I didn't hear your truck.

- Oh, well, that's
easy explained.

You see, the motor is
tuned to such a high pitch,

it can only be heard by dogs.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, brother.

- Now, shall we talk
about the wedding?

- Yes, I'd like to hear it.

- Lisa, don't get
involved with him.

- Mr. Douglas, how many
weddings have you supervised?

- None.

- Then I'll thank you to keep
your inexperience out of this.

(audience laughs)

Now, the Haney Super
Wedding Service Service

comes in a package.

We furnish everything except
the bride and the bridegroom.

Course we do supply
a standby groom

in case the real
one don't show up.

That way, you're not stuck with

a lot of soggy hors d'oeuvres.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, we don't intend to have...

- Now for the
flower arrangement.

I suggest that the
alter be covered

with a bower of nasturtiums.

(audience laughs)

- Nasturtiums?

- Or if you prefer,
chrysanthemums.

(audience laughs)

- Chrysanthemums.

- I can see that he don't
know much about botany.

(audience laughs)
- No, he doesn't.

- Leading to the alter,
I suggest a 75-foot

red plush carpet and the
ceremony starts promptly at three.

- Why does it have
to start at three?

- So I can get the carpet
back to the middle aisle

of the Beisel Theater for
their evening performance.

(audience laughs)

Now, on one side of the
alter will be an organist

and on the other side,
the Tabernacle Choir.

- What tabernacle choir?

- Well, you can have a choice.

Either the Salt Lake City
or the Stankwell Falls.

(audience laughs)

And I would recommend
the Stankwell Falls Choir.

They have a better bass section.

- That's what I heard.

- Now, where did you hear that?

- Now we come to the actual
nuptuation part of the ceremony.

- I was afraid you
were gonna forget that.

- Now, to perform the
wedding ceremony,

you have a choice
of a ship's captain,

a judge who was turned
down for the Supreme Court,

(audience laughs)

or a Dalai Lama.

Course the wedding
will have to be moved

to Tibet if you want him.

(audience laughs)

- Ralph says she
wants Mr. Drucker.

- A non-union
justice of the peace?

(audience laughs)

- Well, she's known
him all her life.

- It's all right with me.

Course you
realize if you furnish

your own justice of the peace,
there'll be a corkage charge.

(audience laughs)

- What does that mean?

- What about the reception
after the ceremony?

- Well, I would
suggest a buffet table

laden with foods
from all over the world.

Melons from the Island of Casaba

(audience laughs)

and smoked salmon
from the Delta of the Nile.

Artichoke hearts from
Abyssinia and chicken livers.

- Where does that come from?

- Usually from chickens.

(audience laughs)

- I oughta...
- What about dancing?

- The wedding guests
will dance to the music

of the ever popular
John Philip Sousa.

(audience laughs)

- That's your favorite.

- He can't...

- Mr. Haney, what
would this cost?

- A lot less than you think.

- I was thinking of $100.

- Well, if you're willing
to give up the melons

from the Island of
Casaba, we got a deal.

(audience laughs)
(playful music)

(Ralph hammering)

- Ralph.

Ralph!

- Oh, look what you made me do.

- Why do you have
to hammer at this, ow!

Ooh.

- What's the matter, your
corns bothering you again?

- What are you building?

- A hope chest to
put all my things in.

- What you got, you
can put in a paper sack.

(audience laughs)

- If I wasn't so happy,
I'd bash your head in.

- You're not really gonna marry

that feather-brained
Kimball, are you?

- Hanky is good and
kind and sweet and true.

Besides, he loves me.

- That's what I said,
he's a feather brain.

(audience laughs)

- Alf, I...

- You realize what it'll
mean if you marry him?

It'll be the end of
the Monroe Brothers.

All those years of
chicken coop building

gone in one puff of passion.

(audience laughs)

- Alf, look at it this way.

You're not losing a brother.

You're gaining a county agent.

- What do I need
a county agent for?

Ralph, don't leave me.

You know I'm afraid to
sleep alone in the house.

- Buy yourself a dog.

- Nobody can take your place.

(audience laughs)

- Alf, if you...
- What do you got in here?

- My trousseau.

- That's my trousseau
and these are my pajamas.

- Aw, Alf.

I just wanna borrow
them for my wedding night.

I haven't got anything
feminine to wear.

- These are not feminine.

They're official Roy
Rogers sleepies.

(audience laughs)

If you want them,
you can have them.

- Thanks, Alf.

You know, I'm gonna miss you.

(melancholy music)

- I'm gonna miss you too.

We had a lot of fun together.

- Yeah.

Remember that
three-story chicken house

we built over at
Crabwell Corners?

- Yeah.

I wonder if that
fellow ever found

a three-story chicken for it.

(both laugh)

- Oh, remember the barn we
built for Charlie Kenworthy?

- Yeah, we did a
great job on that.

- Uh-huh, stood up
for almost two weeks.

(both laugh)

- Oh, Sunday it'll all be over.

Remember, sis, if
it doesn't work out,

you can always come back here
and be a Monroe Brother again.

- Thanks, Alf.

- Good luck, Ralph.

(cheerful music)

(slow music)

- Lisa, did you iron...
(Ralph screams)

- You can't go in there.

- Why not?

- Ralph is getting dressed.

- I need a handkerchief.

- Later.

- Later?
- Oh, you look very handsome.

- Yeah, you look beautiful.

- Weddings always bring
out the beautiful in me.

- Oh, you don't need a
wedding to look beautiful.

- You're after something.

- A handkerchief.

- I'll bring out
one for you later.

How are things going outside?

- Oh, fine.

- Did Mr. Haney bring
the refreshments?

- Yeah, the last I saw of him,

he was putting prices
on the sandwiches.

(audience laughs)

- Oliver!

- Oh, don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine.

- [Mr. Haney] Sam, just
talk into the mouthpiece.

- Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here...

- No, no, no, no.

You've got to press the button

to activate the
public addresses.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Drucker,
what are you doing?

- Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here.

(audience laughs)

- What is that thing?

- Well, that's the $35

public address system
that you ordered.

- I didn't order that!

- You didn't?

Well, it's right
here on the list.

Right underneath the
Rockette dancing girls.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is a list

for the $800 Blakewell wedding.

- I don't care.

Look, all I want
is what I ordered.

- Everything's here.

- Where are the
chairs for the guests?

- Well, they'll be
along in a minute.

You see, the funeral lasted
a little longer than I figured.

(audience laughs)

- The funeral?

Look, Mr. Haney.

- Oh, by the way.

Which wedding march do
you want the organist to play?

- Who's the organist?

- Me.

- You?

(audience laughs)

A mouth organ?

- Well, with the $35
public address system,

you don't need
all of them pipes.

Just listen.

(mouth organ music)

- I'm here.

I'm here.

(audience laughs)

- Ralph, Ralph.

- It was a false alarm.

- Well, I told you
they weren't ready yet.

Now go back into the
house and get ready.

- All right, promise
you'll call me.

(audience laughs)

- She's a nervous wreck.

- If you think she's nervous,
you oughta see Mr. Kimball.

(playful music)

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh.

Is it time to go yet, Warden?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, come on, relax, relax.

It'll be over
before you know it.

- Before I know what?

- Oh, now, Mr. Kimball, here.

Come on, come on now, here.

- [Hank] My legs are weak.

- Hey, maybe a
little snort would help.

- Yeah, maybe it would.

(snorts)

Boy, you're right, it did help.

(audience laughs)

You know, I keep wondering
if I'm making a mistake.

- You love Ralph, don't you?

- Who's Ralph don't you?

(audience laughs)

- Ralph Monroe.

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
I guess I love her.

Well, every time
she comes close,

I break out in a cold sweat.

My hands get clammy
and my legs get weak.

Is that love?

(audience laughs)

- Well, either that or she's
a Hong Kong flu carrier.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Kimball, having doubts
is perfectly natural and all.

You're gonna have
a beautiful wedding

and you're gonna have a
lot of fun on your honeymoon.

- Could I talk to
you man to man?

- [Oliver] Mm-hmm.

- Well, you see, my father
never had a talk with me about...

Well, you're married and
maybe you could tell me,

well, you know,
the facts of life.

- What do you wanna know?

- Well, when Ralph
and I are alone in the...

When do I put on
the aftershave lotion?

(audience laughs)

- Try it after you shave.

(audience laughs)

- Now, do I do that before
or after I take off my shoes?

(audience laughs)

- Look, don't worry about it.

These things have a way
of taking care of themselves.

- They do?

Boy, I feel better already.

- Look, it won't be long now

before Mr. Drucker
ties the knot.

(playful music)

Oh, come on now,
easy, easy, easy.

Relax, I got you, I got you.

- If there be any
man here with reason

why these two should not
be joined in holy wedlock,

let him speak now or
forever after hold his peace.

(audience laughs)

Do you, Ralph Waldo Monroe,

take this man to be your
lawful wedded husband?

- I do.

- And do you, Henry
Wadsworth Kimball,

take this woman for
your lawful wedded wife?

- Answer him.

(audience laughs)

- What was the question?

(audience laughs)

- Just say, "I do," dummy.

- I do, dummy.

(audience laughs)

- Now, who has the ring?

Take this ring and
place it on her finger

and say, "With this
ring, I thee wed."

- Well, say it.

- Why should I say it?

It's his ring.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kimball,
you have to say it.

- I do, dummy.

(audience laughs)

- No, no.

With this ring, I thee wed.

- Oh.

With this wed, I thee ring.

- Is that close enough?

- That's fine.

(audience laughs)

- By the power vested in me,

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

(organ music)

- Hanky, I'm waiting.

- Oh.

Welcome aboard.

(crowd cheers)

- Good luck, Mrs. Kimball.

- Mrs. Kimball.

Doesn't that sound
wonderful, Hanky?

- Mrs. Kimball?

You can't use that,
that's my mother's name.

(audience laughs)

- [Oliver]
Congratulations, Hank.

- Thank you.

- Goodbye.

- [Lisa] Throw the bouquet.

- What am I supposed
to do with this?

(crowd cheers)

- Woo, that's over.

- Ooh, that was a
wonderful wedding.

- Well, everything's
satisfactory?

- Oh yes, Mr. Haney.

It was very nice.

- Thank you.

Your bill.

- The bride isn't
cold yet and...

All right, I'll send you
a check in the morning.

Come on, Lisa.

Time for some champagne.

- Oh, you sure tie
a mean knot, Sam.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, Mr. Drucker, that
was a beautiful ceremony.

- Yeah, it was a
real doobie-whacker.

- Well, I'm glad you liked it.

You know, this marks kind
of a milestone in my career.

This is the 295th
wedding I've performed

since I became a
justice of the peace.

- Well, congratulations.

- Sam, can anyone be
a justice of the peace?

- Oh yeah, I suppose so.

All you gotta do is apply

to the state capitol
for a license.

Then you just have to make sure

that you renew
it every 10 years,

like I have to renew mine
the 10th of this month.

- Last Wednesday was the 10th.

- Last Wednesday.

It was?

- Uh-huh.

- Holy smoke, I'm expired.

(audience laughs)

- Well, they're
not really married.

But Oliver, they're
on their honeymoon.

(Oliver laughs)

Do you know what that means?

- That ain't funny.

You realize my
sister's going to a motel

with an unmarried man?

(audience laughs)

- Hank, you'd better
go get the bags.

- Oh yeah, I'll be right back.

(chuckles)
- Well, put me down.

- Oh yeah.

(audience laughs)

- Hanky?
- What?

- Aren't you gonna
kiss me goodbye?

- Where you going?

- Well, you're going
out to get the bags.

It'd be the first time
we'd been separated

since we were married.

- How about that?

(audience laughs)
(playful music)

- Hank?

There's something
missing in here.

- There is?

What?

- The room doesn't have a B-E-D.

- You mean bed.

- Mother was right.

All men are beasts.

(audience laughs)

- Gee, all I said was...

- I wonder if it's in here.

- Oh (chuckles).

Gee, I never slept
standing up before.

(laughs) (audience laughs)

- You have to pull it down.

- Oh.

- Well, not in front of me.

(audience laughs)

Hank, why don't you go outside

for a little while
and have a smoke?

- Oh.

I don't smoke.

(audience laughs)

- Well, why don't
you buy a newspaper?

- I already read it.

(audience laughs)

- Hank, why don't
you just go outside

for about 15 minutes while I...

- Oh, I see what you mean.

No, I don't see what you mean.

- [Ralph] Just go take a walk.

- Yes, sir.

(audience laughs)
(playful music)

(person knocking)

- Who's there?

- Me.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, for the love of,
what are you doing here?

You're supposed to
be on your honeymoon.

- Oh, fine honeymoon.

- What happened?

- It was terrible.

When we got to the motel
room, I asked Hanky to go out

and take a walk for 15
minutes till I got comfortable.

First thing I know,

a woman starts
screaming in the next room.

The door flies open
and Hanky flies out

and this big fellow comes out
and starts b*ating up on him

and I hear sirens and,

well, he's in the
emergency hospital again.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, brother.

- Well, it's a good thing
because after you left,

we found out that
Mr. Drucker was expired.

- What?

- His license was no good.

You and Hank were never married.

- We weren't?

- You mean if Hank
had come back and...

(playful music)

Oh.

- Oliver, Oliver.

Do something.

- As soon as I've
had some coffee.

(audience laughs)

- Oliver.

- Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, where am I?

- Oh, you're safe.

- But I'm married.

- Oh, don't worry.

As soon as Mr. Kimball
comes out of the hospital,

we'll have another wedding.

- Shall we discuss
the arrangements?

(audience laughs)
(cheerful music)

(cheerful music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.