(cheerful music)
♪ Green acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that country side
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green acres we are there
(upbeat music)
- Oliver.
- Hmm?
- Do you like this color?
- Yes, it's beautiful,
good night.
- What color was it?
- It was red.
- What shade of red?
- I haven't the faintest idea.
- It's called
Passionate Embrace.
They use it in all
those new sexy movies.
- Sexy?
- You know, when
they don't have any plot
but you don't care because
they hardly wear any clothes.
- Lisa, I'd like to go to sleep.
- Oh I'm sorry
darling, goodnight.
- Goodnight.
(upbeat music)
What's the matter?
- There was a name in the dark.
- A name in?
Lisa turn the light off.
- Oh yes darling, goodnight.
- Goodnight.
(upbeat music)
Lisa, what are you?
- That time there
were two names.
- Lisa, I've got a
big day tomorrow.
I've got to go to Druckers
to pick up my seed corn.
I've got to overhaul
the tractor motor.
I'd appreciate it if
you'd turn out the light.
- Oh yes darling, goodnight.
Do you see anything?
- [Oliver] No!
- That's funny, there
should be one more name.
(upbeat music)
Oh there it is!
Oliver did you see it?
Oliver?
Oliver.
Oliver where are you?
- [Oliver] On the
couch, in the living room.
Goodnight.
- Oh goodnight dear.
(upbeat music)
Hello there Mr. Drucker.
- Oh good morning folks.
- What's that?
- Well it's a new nail polish.
It's called Passionate Embrace.
It's selling like hot cakes.
- Well it should, they
advertise it everywhere.
Even in the dark after
you turn the light out.
- I beg your pardon?
- My wife sees
names in the dark.
- Oh?
What kind of names?
- Well you see there was this...
- Mr. Drucker, I came over
here to pick up my seed corn.
- I've got it in the
back room for you.
Oh, by the way Mrs.
Douglas before I forget
remember you were asking me
if I was gonna get in
some of that gourmet food?
- Well yes.
- Well I called the
warehouse in the county seat
and they sent me a whole
selection of that gourmet stuff.
- Mr. Drucker I believe
you misspelled gourmet.
- Where?
- Well it's supposed
to be G-O-U-R-M-E-T.
- What difference does it make?
All he has is some
stuffed olives.
- Well that's about as
gourmet as they get.
- Didn't they have any caviar?
- Oh you mean them
little black fish eggs?
No, but they told me
they were coming out
with a do it
yourself caviar kit.
- A caviar kit?
- Yeah, you cook
up a box of tapioca
and you stir in
some licorice for color
and then add some
sardine oil for the fish taste.
- I'll demo one of those.
- Yes ma'am, right away.
- Mr. Drucker, if you
would just get me my...
- Do they have a
pate de foie gras kit?
- Patty duh?
- Goose liver.
- No ma'am, but I can
order you a frozen goose
and you deliver it yourself.
- Do you think I
could do that Oliver?
- I'm sure I don't know.
Now look Mr. Drucker,
please would you get my...
- Howdy folks.
(pig snorting)
- Oh hello there Mr. Ziffel.
Hello Arnold.
(pig snorting)
- Arnold wants to
know if you've got
your gourmet section in yet.
- Right over there.
(pig snorting)
- Arnold says you aint
got gourmet spelled right.
- How would he know how?
- Have you got your
seed corn planted yet?
- I will if Mr. Drucker
ever gets...
- Fred, who's gonna pay
for all them gourmets?
- Put it on Arnold's bill.
- You know how much he's ran up?
192 dollars and 27 cents.
- Well Arnold can afford
it if he's a millionaire.
At least he's going to be
when he gets his inheritation.
- When's he gonna get it?
- Don't ask me, ask his lawyer.
- I haven't the slightest idea.
I've done everything I can do
to expedite the
settlement of the estate.
- Maybe you'd
better turn it over
to Doris's brother.
- Is he a lawyer?
- No, he's the carobertive.
- What does he know about law?
- What do you know
about cutting toe nails?
- Nothing.
- Then if I was you, I'd
stick to practicing law.
- For the love of.
Look Mr. Drucker if
you would just tell me
where the seed corn is
I'll put it in the car myself.
- Well I'll help you.
- Thank you.
- Oh by the way Mr. Douglas
do you know how to plant
this new hybrid variety
of seed corn?
- He don't even know
how to plant the old kind.
- Have you got any literature?
- Yeah, I believe the seed
salesman left some booklets.
Here we are.
- Thank you.
- Have you done
your plowing yet.
First I've got to overhaul
my tractor motor.
(playful music)
Eb!
Eb!
- Oliver!
- Eb!
- Oliver!
- What do you want?
- I'm looking for...
What are you doing?
- I'm trying to get the
motor back in the tractor.
- Well, it was
a nice day for it.
- Eb!
- Have you seen Evelyn?
- Who's Evelyn?
- She's a little white chicken.
- No, I haven't see her, Eb!
- Evelyn!
- Eb!
- Evelyn!
- Look will you stop?
This thing is heavy.
- Can I help you?
- No thanks.
- You never want me
to help you with anything
around the farm.
- If you really want
to help, go find Evelyn.
- Evelyn!
I mean Ep!
- Who do you want?
Me or Evelyn?
- I need some help raising this.
- Yes sir.
(intense music)
- Oh there we are.
No, no, not so high.
That's alright.
- Eb, Eb have you see Evelyn
the little white chicken?
- No ma'am but Charlie
ought to know where she is.
- Who's Charlie?
- The rooster.
- Charlie, Charlie!
- Evelyn!
- Will you stop
yelling in my ear?
- Yes sir.
- Good Lord.
(chicken clucking)
- Hey!
There's Evelyn.
(comedic music)
Mrs. Douglas?
- Yes?
- I found Evelyn.
- Oh good, where's Mr. Douglas?
- I don't know, he
was around here
a few minutes ago.
- I'm up here.
- Oh Oliver, if you're
looking for Evelyn
don't bother, we found her.
- You miserable!
- Mr. Douglas?
We got the motor back in.
What do you want me to do now?
- Get me down you...
- With the mood you're in
I'm better off
with you up there.
(comedic music)
(upbeat music)
If you're gonna read
I might as well take
the rest of the day off.
- Eb I just wanted to
check something in here.
- Boy, you sure are
going at corn planting
scientifically this year.
- Well I don't want to
make the same mistakes
that I made with
my corn last year.
- I know how you can do that.
Plant tomatoes.
- Look.
- That will give you
some new mistakes
to fool around with.
- Eb would you mind?
- Hello my dear!
I've brought you
some sandwiches.
- Oh boy thanks!
Didn't you bring
any for Mr. Douglas?
- Well they're for both of you.
- Thank you.
- Eat them while they're hot.
- What kind of
sandwiches are they?
- Liverwurst and grape jelly.
- Liverwurst and...
- Did you put
mayonnaise on them?
- Yes, and ketchup.
- Thank you, look
we'll eat them later.
- If there's anything
else you need sire.
Do you want me
to run the tractor
while you are eating?
- Lisa, why are
you being so helpful
all of a sudden?
- Well you always tell me
that an American farmer's wife
is at her husband's side
while he's toiling and
sweating in the fields.
- Well that's right.
And I appreciate the bag of...
- Well if there's
anything else you need
just whistle and I will be
with Beck when you call.
- You'll be with Beck when I?
- Bye!
- Eb, start the tractor.
- Can I eat my sandwich first?
- Crank her up.
- But.
- Crank!
- You certainly are.
- Switch on.
- Pull out the choke.
(explosions)
4th of July came
early this year.
- Grab the plow.
And be sure to keep
the furrows straight.
- Mr. Douglas!
Oh Mr. Douglas!
(comedic music)
Hi, how you doing?
- Hey, what are you doing here?
- Eating my sandwich.
- What happened to the plow?
- You forgot to
hitch it to the tractor.
- Why didn't you say something?
- You told me never to
talk when my mouth was full.
- Oh.
Hitch it up.
- I'm entitled to a
siesta after eating.
- Will you hitch it up!
- Yes sir.
Boy the way you keep
me working around here.
I don't even have time
to make a picket sign.
- Eb!
(comedic music)
- We just finished plowing.
Why don't we take a rest
and plant the seed tomorrow?
- Because the faster
we plant the seed
the faster it will grow.
- Tell me where it
says that in the book.
- It doesn't have
to say it in the book.
- Mr. Douglas, thank
goodness I'm not too late.
- For what?
- You haven't planted
your seeds yet have you?
- No.
- Then this is your lucky day.
- That remains to be seen.
- Mr. Douglas,
what would you say
if I told you that on
the back of my truck
I had one of the most
astounding devices
for planting seeds known to man?
- Mr. Haney, if you're
gonna try to sell me
some cockamamie machine.
- Machine?
Who said anything about machine.
(playful music)
May I present Mrs. Agnes Cudahy.
The last of the
authentic seed spitters.
- Seed spitters?
- The only accurate
way to plant seeds
in two furrows at one time.
- Mr. Haney.
- I'm willing to
back up my claim
with a demonstration.
Can I have some corn?
- No, you may not.
- Yeah, here you are right here.
- Oh come on!
- I thank you and Mrs.
Cudahy thanks you.
How let us pretend that
these are your furrows.
- Golly!
- Now the first
step is to drill holes
for the seeds in the furrows.
Now these holes
can be drilled by hand
by machinery, or by
Donny Woodpecker
who will be glad to
peck the holes for you
at 10 cents a peck.
- Of all the ridiculous...
- Pray watch.
(comedic music)
Now, planting two seeds at once.
Notice her fantastic accuracy?
Seed spitting is
indeed a lost art.
- Well yes, but I don't really.
What was that?
- I believe Mrs. Cudahy
just planted her tooth.
- Oh for the love of.
- Now if you would
just sign this contract
for Mrs. Cudahy's
seed spitting services.
- I don't want her services.
I can spit my own, I mean
I can plant my own seed.
- And what provisions
have you made
for protecting your seed
once you've planted it?
- Well I haven't made any.
- You haven't made any?
Aren't you worried about crows?
- No.
- Well, perhaps Oscar can
change your mind about that.
Here boy!
(crow squawking)
Oscar, tell Mr. Douglas
what a flock of crows
can do to a newly
seeded field of corn.
(crow squawking)
Aint that frightening?
- It sure is.
- What did he say?
- You heard him.
- Fortunately, Oscar has agreed
to come over to our side
and think for the farmers.
- Think for the...
- Now here's the
way Oscar works.
He hangs around
old fences and stuff
and mingles with the bad crows
making them believe
that he's one of them.
And then when
he hears their plan
to raid somebody's corn field
he reports to me.
Either in person or
by short wave radio.
- If that isn't the most...
- I in turn relay
the news to you
and you can take whatever
steps you think is necessary
to protect your crops.
- I'm about to take the
first step to protect it.
Out!
- Oh but Mr. Douglas.
- Out!
And take your freak crow and
your Lucy Loose Tooth with you.
- Inhospitable.
(comedic music)
(dramatic music)
- Eb I told you before.
You're supposed to
cover the seeds with a hoe.
- Sorry, I forgot.
- Hoe!
Hoe!
- I didn't mean...
- Yoohoo!
Hello dear.
Here I am, the wife
of the American farmer
with the lemonade
for her toiling and
sweating husband
who is working in the field.
- Oh boy, I'm thirsty.
- Well have some.
- Oh!
(coughing)
- Did you say something?
- Boy, that sure was good.
I've never tasted
lemonade like that before.
- Well have some more.
- Oh, I see you are
ready for some more.
I'm glad you like it.
(gasping)
What's the matter
with your voice?
- Can I have some more?
- Oh you like it Eb?
- Yes ma'am.
- Well I can see my
lemonade is a big hit.
- Yeah, it's a big hit.
- Then what did you
throw it away for?
- Oh!
- You threw it away
after all the trouble
I went through to make it?
- Lisa, I wasn't thirsty.
- Well this is the
last time this wife
of the American farmer
is going to help the toilers
and the sweaters.
- Lisa!
- Don't beg me,
no more lemonade.
That's it.
- Well you must feel
proud of yourself.
Dumping out an American
farmer's lemonade.
- Eb, why did
you have to tell...
- Just because it
had a kerosene taste
didn't mean you
had to pour it out.
- Oh, let's get back to work.
- Yes sir.
(cheerful music)
- Lisa, I'm sorry
about the lemonade.
I know you were
trying to be helpful.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Fine.
- Why did you dump it?
- Lisa, you just said...
- How can be a good
American farmer's wife
when you're a dumper?
- Lisa, if you don't
mind I'm tired.
- You work too hard.
- That's part of being a farmer.
Since the days
of the revolution.
The American farmer has
worked from sun up to sun down.
Planting his seeds
in the rich, brown soil
knowing that soon the cool rain
and the warm sun
will give them life
and make them burst
up through the soil
up towards the sun and the sky.
Yes, I'm tired.
But it's a proud tiredness.
An American tiredness.
- Goodnight Oliver.
- Goodnight dear.
- Oliver.
- Hmm?
- Would you
please tell the fellow
to stop playing the fife?
I want to go to sleep.
- Stop playing the fife?
- Thank you, goodnight.
(upbeat music)
(rooster crowing)
- Will you let go of my arm?
- I want to show you what's
growing in your corn field!
- How could anything be growing?
We just planted it yesterday.
- You'll see, come on.
- Oh now look at that,
there's nothing growing.
- Huh, what do you call that?
(playful music)
- That's impossible.
- That's what I
said but there it is.
When you plant your little
seeds in the rich, brown earth
and they burst through
they really burst.
In fact, they burst,
bust, and boom.
- I don't understand how...
- It's just like Jack
and the Beanstalk.
Only you did it with corn.
- Jack and the...
- Hi Eb!
- Hi Jack!
- Jack?
Where did he come from?
- Did you see anybody up there?
- Just a giant in a green suit.
- A giant in a green suit.
- [Giant] Ho, ho, ho.
- Well who could?
- A can of corn!
Golly, we're in a TV commercial.
- This isn't.
There must be some explanation.
- Okay, let's hear it.
- Well I don't know what the.
- I'm gonna take
a look up there.
- Will you get off of there!
- Good morning.
- Oh, hi Mr. Kimball.
- That's right, Hank
Kimball's the name
and county agenting is my game.
(laughs)
- Mr. Kimball am
I glad to see you.
- See me what?
- Well, look at that.
- What about it?
- Do you realize what that is?
- Yeah, looks like a
high rise corn stalk.
- Well have you ever
seen anything like it?
- Oh yeah, there's a
lot of them going around.
Ben Miller had a
20 story corn stalk.
No, it was a 14
story tomato plant.
Well it wasn't 14 stories.
It was in a pot.
- How could a thing
like this happen?
- Well, there's a simple
scientific explanation to that.
- Yeah?
- You see what
happened here was...
No, that's for giant artichokes.
- This just can't be.
- Why not?
It happened in Jack
and the Beanstalk.
See, there was this...
- Hi Mr. Kimball!
- Oh hi Jack.
- Will you get off
of my corn stalk?
- Mr. Douglass, have you
heard anybody go, "Ho, ho, ho"?
- Yes, yes.
- Well there's your answer.
You're in a TV commercial.
(chuckles)
Well, if you need any more help
just give me a call.
- Mr. Kimball please.
- Watch out below!
Hey, how about that
ear of corn Mr. Douglas?
- This is tremendous,
I never saw anything...
- The giant helped me pick it.
Thank you giant!
- [Giant] Ho, ho, ho.
- What's so funny?
- Why Eb is talking
to the, hey look at that!
- Well, you finally
learned how to grow corn.
- No, I didn't grow it.
I don't know how
it happened, look!
- Well it was
probably a magic seed
like in Jacqueline
and the Beanstalk.
- Oh no, it was Jack
and the Beanstalk.
- Hello Mrs. Douglas.
- Hello there Jacqueline.
- I must be going out of my...
- There's a nice
giant living up there.
Would you like a
can of creamed corn?
- I'd love it.
- Hey giant!
One creamed corn!
You're supposed to
put it in the can dummy!
- This whole thing is utterly...
- Very funny!
- [Giant] Ho, ho, ho.
- I can't, there must
be some explanation.
Maybe it was the seed
or maybe it was
something in the soil.
- The soil, that's what it was.
The soil! The soil!
- What do you mean?
- That's where you threw
Mrs. Douglas's lemonade.
- The lemonade?
Could that have?
Lisa what was in it?
- What do you care?
You don't like it.
- Lisa it's possible
there's something in it
that made the corn grow.
You've got to tell me.
Tell me!
Tell me!
Tell me!
- Oliver!
Oliver!
What's the matter!
- What did you put
in that lemonade?
- What's the matter?
- Oh boy did I have a nightmare.
I dreamed this corn stalk
grew way up in the sky
and there were these two kids.
And a giant.
Oh and an ear of
corn six feet long.
Oh boy.
- What about my lemonade?
- That was another nightmare.
No, I mean it was part of the.
- You don't have to apologize.
Maybe the lemonade wasn't good.
Like my cooking and sewing
and everything else
I do around here.
I guess I just
don't have the stuff
which makes a woman
an American farm wife.
- I never complained
about your stuffing.
I like you just the way you are.
- Do you?
- Yes.
- And I like you
just the way you are.
- I guess we're
made for each other.
- We are America's ideal couple.
- I wouldn't go that far.
- We're the
sweethearts of the world.
The lovers of the century.
- Lisa.
- We're Romo and Julius.
Antony and...
What was the
name of the Irish girl
he was engaged to?
Oh yes, Cleopatrick.
- Cleopatrick?
Goodnight Lisa.
- Goodnight sweet prince.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
I'll turn out the light.
Don't wake me up early tomorrow.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
This has been a FILMWAYS
presentation darling.
05x12 - Oliver and the Cornstalk
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.