05x15 - Rest and Relaxation

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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05x15 - Rest and Relaxation

Post by bunniefuu »

(whimsical music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Lisa?

You ready?

- [Lisa] Almost.

- Well hurry up, it's 8:00.

Mort's plane gets in in an hour.

- Well which one of
these should I wear?

- I thought you were dressed?

- Further underneath it's done.

My hair is finished
and my face is finished,

and if you'll just tell me which
one of these should I wear.

- It doesn't matter.

- Yes it does.

I want to make a good
compression on your friend.

- Lisa, you'll make a good
compression with either one.

Mort is not interested...

- Are you the manager
of this establishment?

- What?

- I got a complaint.

I've been sitting in there
at the table for 15 minutes,

waiting for somebody to
take my breakfast order.

(audience laughing)

- You'll have to make your
own breakfast this morning,

we have to leave
for the airport.

- Eb, which one of these
dresses do you think

Mr. Douglas's friend
would like the best?

- Well, knowing Mort,
I'd say the blue one.

- You don't know Mort.

- Well then, not knowing
Mort, I'd say the red one.

- I think he's right
with the not knowing.

- Of course if I was a famous
magazine writer like him,

I'd like to be met
in your black dress.

- Eb, why don't...
- He's right.

I'm going to wear
my black dress.

- Fine!

- But first I have
to go and press it.

- Yes, but please hurry.

- Um, Mr. Douglas what
magazine does this Mr. Uh,

what's his name,
write for again?

- Uh, Warner.

- I never heard of
Warner Magazine.

- His name is Warner, the
magainze is called Newsworthy.

Lisa, are you ready yet?

- Say, do you think Mr. Warner
would be interested in

reading some of the
articles I wrote for our

high school magazine,
The Hooterville Hijinks.

- Eb, the man is coming
here for a few days

to visit with us, now I don't
want you pestering him.

- You mean you want
me to hide my talent

under a bushel basket?

- I'd be eternally
grateful if you would.

Lisa!

- All ready.

How do I look?

- Fine.

- That ain't the
black dress I meant.

I meant the one with
the tassels on the...

- Goodbye Eb!

(audience laughing)

Well, this is it, Mort.

- This is what?

- Our house!

- Well Oliver I didn't
know things were

going so bad for you.

- (audience laughing)

- Oh no, no, the house just
looks that way because...

- That's the way it is.

- Oh, it just needs a
little work, that's all.

A little work.

All righty.

Can I help you?

This place has a very
interesting historical background.

This dates back
to the Civil w*r.

- Oh.

- They fought three
of the biggest battles

right in the middle
of our living room.

(audience laughing)

- It's rustic, but
it's comfortable.

All right, right in.

Well, what do you think?

- Yes, well it's, it's
um, which battles?

- Well.

- It needs a little
work, you know,

I haven't had time
to get around to it.

- Would you like to
have some coffee?

I have some on the stove.

- Well yes, I'd love
some, thank you.

- Oliver, you're right,
she's simply beautiful,

but how did you ever get
off of the hook with Rachel?

- Uh, uh well uh...
- Who's Rachel?

(audience laughing)

- Uh, she's the girl Mort knew
when we went to Harvard.

- And how come that you
got off the hook with her?

- How about the coffee?

- How about Rachel?

- The coffee!

- Rachel.

- Lisa.

- Hmm.

- Well it's been a long
time since we've, uh...

- Oh, won't you sit
down, Mr. Warner?

- Well I wish you'd
call me Mort (chuckles).

- Is that all right with
you, Mr. Douglas?

- You can call me Oliver.

- Not until I hear
more about Rachel.

- The coffee?

- It's hot enough.

- You know Mort, I've
read some of your stories

in Newsworthy magazine
and you've covered

some pretty exciting events.

The riots at Berkeley,
the conventions...

- Rachel, hmm.

Did she have a last name?

- Flinglehoofen.

- Well, for the
last six months I've

covered the w*r in
the Far East, you know?

- Rachel Flingenfloofen.

You made that name up.

- How could I make
up a name like Rachel?

(audience laughing)

- And like I wrote you,
my nerves are a little jittery

from all that v*olence,
so that's why I asked

if I could stay
here for a few days.

- Well, uh, this is a place to
find peace and contentment.

(ominous music)

- Well it's certainly
going to be a relaxation

to be around people
who are normal

and still have some
semblance of s...

(ominous music)
(audience laughing)

- You were saying?

- Saying?

Oh, yes.

- Would you like to
have some cream?

- Please.

(comical music)
(audience laughing)

- We make the cream
to match the coffee.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, Mort, you'll
find Hooterville

is the ideal place to relax.

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

- Eb, do you have to burst...

- We got trouble.

Trouble in River
City, big trouble.

Hello there.

- Oh, hello.

- Eh, this is our Eb.

Eb, this is Mr. Warner.

- Is this Mr. Warner the
famous news correspondent?

- Uh huh.

- Well I'm not really famous.

- Mr. Douglas said you were.

But then he don't always
know what he's talking about.

(audience laughing)

- Eb, did you want something?

The tractor won't start.

- What's wrong with it?

- I think it has heartburn.

(audience laughing)

- Heartburn?

- I told you not to
put high-test gas in it.

- We always...

- It runs much better on vodka.

- Eb, would...
- So do you.

(audience laughing)

- Will you excuse
me, you know what,

I better see what's
wrong with the tractor.

We've got to plow
20 acres today.

- Look, do you
mind if I come along?

- Well what about your coffee?

- Uh, could you save it for me?

- Why not, I've been
saving it for a week,

a few more moments
isn't going to hurt.

(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

- Ah crank it.

- Yes sir.

- Wait a minute, is
this supposed to be

attached to something?

- Yes sir, the lightning rod.

But we lost that.

(audience laughing)

- That's supposed to be
attached to the battery.

- Well where is the battery?

- Right here, no this
is for the headlights.

- Just ground the wire
on the motor anywhere.

- That's okay?

- That's okay.

Now all right, Eb, okay.

- Crank it.

(playful music)

This ain't gonna do
it, you have to hold the,

who are you?

- I'm the famous
magazine writer.

- Oh, I heard you guys
would do anything for a laugh.

(audience laughing)

- Mort, Mort, I'm sorry.

There must be a
leak in the oil line here.

Come on into the house
and I'll help you clean up.

- I would like to take a shower.

- Yeah, fine, you can
change in our room.

This way.

(upbeat music)
(pounding at door)

- Come in.

(audience laughing)

Hey, get out of here.

(pig grunting)

Shoo!

Shoo!

(audience laughing)

b*at it, b*at it!

No I didn't say eat it, b*at it!

(audience laughing)

Oliver!

Oliver!

Oliver!

Oliver!

- What's the matter?

- What's the matter?

This pig came in and...
- That's Arnold.

Arnold comes over every day,

he likes to watch
Walter Cronkite in color.

- Cronkite in color?

- Yes, his father,
Mr. Ziffel only has

a black and white set at home.

- You mean there's an older pig

who owns a black
and white TV set?

- No, no, no.

His father isn't an older
pig, he's an older man.

Arnold is the
Ziffel's only child.

- Only child?

- Well, they had a daughter,

but she ran away
with another goat.

(audience laughing)

- Another goat?

- Yes, how do you
like Hootersville so far?

- Well, it's, it's very, uh...

- Who knocked the door down?

- The pig.

- Well I don't want him
in here, now go on home.

(pig squeals)

Go on home.

- Oh, now you made Arnold mad.

He didn't even say goodbye.

- Fine.

Are you ready for your shower?

- Yeah, a nice cold one.

- Come on, I'll show
you where to go.

Here you are.

- You mean outside?

- Oh, it's a great feeling,

taking a shower out of doors.

- Are you ready for
your shower instructions?

- Instructions?

- Yes, you see, this shower
is connected to this hose,

and the hose is connected
to the kitchen sink.

Now where you're ready
to take your shower,

you yell on, and I
turn the water on.

And when you're
through with your shower,

you yell off and I turn it off.

Now, can you remember that?

- I think so.

- If you're ready, the shower
queen will be at the controls.

(audience laughing)

- Just remember, on, and off.

- On and off.

- Right.

(comical music)

- Ah, you know how
to work that thing?

- Uh, yes, I h...

- When you're ready,
just yell, "Turn it on!"

(audience laughing)

Didn't you ever take
a shower before?

You're supposed to
take your robe off first.

(comical music)

- Howdy.

- Howdy.

- My name is Fred Ziffel.

Have you seen Arnold?

- Oh you mean...

- He wouldn't be in
there with you, would he?

You know he loves to
take showers with strangers.

Hey, that's a funny
place for a tattoo.

- That is not a tattoo.

It's a birthmark.

- Well how about that.

My wife Doris has got
one in the same place.

- Oh really?

- Suppose she's
being a kin to you?

- No, I don't think so.

- Well, if you see Arnold,
send him on home.

- Hello there.

- Oh, hello.

- Are you ready for the off yet?

- No, no I haven't
had a chance to...

- Say is that a birthmark?

(audience laughing)

- Where?

- On the back of your neck.

- No, no that's just a mole.

- Oh, than when you're
ready just yell the magic word.

- I will, thank you.

(bird caller blowing)

- Hi Mr. Douglas.

- No, no, I'm not Mr. Douglas.

- Oh well I never saw you
with your clothes off. (laughs)

- Look, mister.

- Kimball, Hank Kimball.

I'm a county agent.

I'm with the United
States Department of uh,

what did you say your name was?

- Warner.

- Pleased to meet ya.

As I was saying, I'm
with the United States

Department of Warner.

(audience laughing)

Well, no, it's not the
Department of Warner, (chuckles)

it's the Department of, uh, uh.

- Agriculture?

- Oh, pleased to meet
you Mr. Agriculture.

- Warner! Mort Warner.

- Say would you like to
do some quail sh**ting?

I saw some over
at, uh, Mort Warner.

Say, that's a familiar name.

- Well I write for
Newsworthy Magazine.

- So do I, but they
never send it to me.

(audience laughing)

Well, it's been nice.

Say, you know how to
work that shower, don't you?

When you're finished
you just yell, "Turn it off!"

Well, goodbye.

(blowing bird caller)

- On!

On!

(comical music)

(audience laughing)

- You'll never be able to
dry yourself with a wet towel.

(audience laughing)

- So, how did you
enjoy your shower?

- Uh, well, it was very social.

- I'm going to take Mort
out, show him a corn field.

- Oh that's nice, a good
laugh will do him good.

- I'll see you later, Rachel.

Isn't this a great day?

- Oh yeah, it sure is.

Oliver, would you mind if I
skipped the corn field tour

and just took a
little walk into town?

- Hey, why don't
you take my car?

Drive around, see
the countryside.

- Oh, that, that'd be great.

- Here.

- Oh, thank you,
thank you Oliver.

- Take your time,
enjoy yourself.

Relax.

(happy music)

(tire explodes)

(mischievous music)

- Oh no.

(upbeat music)

- May I be of service?

- You certainly
can, I have a flat.

Could you change the tire?

- No problem at all.

Oh, may I see your auto
club membership card?


- Well I don't have any.

- You don't have a
membership card?

- No.

- Well, let's see now.

The fee for tire changing
for a non-member is $45.

- Well isn't that
a little steep?

- Well of course if
you was a member,

it wouldn't cost you nothin'.

- Well what does
it cost to join?

- Five dollars.

- Well then I'll join.

- All right, thank you.

Now we'll have to
fill out an application

before I can issue you
a membership card.

- Uh-huh.

- Your name?

- Mort Warner.

- Address?

- Well I live in
New York, it's um.

- Your height?

- 5' 11 and 3/8".

- Do you have any
identifying marks?

- Well I have a birthmark.

- May I see it please?

- No, it's on my,
um (pats his behind).

- Oh you must be
related to Doris Ziffel.

- No.

Look, why do I have to
answer all these questions?

- Well we have to be careful

about who we take into the club.

Now I'll have your application
processed in a moment

by our mobile computerator.

Congratulations, you have
been computerated A-OK.

Your membership card.

- Well thank you.

- That'll be five dollars.

- I just gave you five dollars.

- Oh, how forgetful of me.

- Now will you mind
changing the tire?

- First I have to swear you in.

When you raise your
right hand and repeat

the Haney Automobile
Club oath after me.

- Will you just change the tire?

- Oh, yes sir, may I see
your membership card?

- Here.

- Oh, I'm sorry,
this card is expired.

- What?

You just issued it to me.

- Well you'll have to take
that up with the head office.

- Well where's that?

- Salmon Creek, Alaska.

- Look, I gave you five dollars,

now I'll give you
another five dollars

if you'll just change the tire.

- Yes, sir.

Do you have a jack?

- I don't know the trunk is
locked and the key broke off.

- Then for all
practical purposes,

you don't have a jack.

- No.

- Would you care to join
the Jack of the Month Club?

- I've been all
around the world,

but I've never met
a hustler like you.

Now go away, I
don't need your help.

- Oh, I almost forgot,
you owe me $10.

- For what?

- The roadside consultation.

- b*at it!

b*at it!

- Well you better tell
Mr. Drucker to give you

one of those 50 pound
sacks of hot cakes flour,

for Mr. Warner's
breakfast while he's here.

- You're really ramming
it to him, ain't ya?

- Now you drive carefully.

- Yes ma'am.

Mrs. Douglas!

- What's the matter?

- The car's not here,
did Mr. Douglas take it?

- No, he went out with
his friend to the corn field.

- Holy smokes,
somebody swiped it.

I'd better call the sheriff.

(zany music)

- Howdy.

- Oh, hello Sheriff.

- Would you mind telling me
what you're trying to do, son?

- Uh, get the trunk open.

- This your car?

- No.

- Well, may I see your
driver's license, please.

- Oh yes.

- I left it back at the...

- You got any identification?

- Well I have a
birthmark on my, um.

- Oh now that cuts it.

A low down car thief
trying to pass himself off

as a kinfolk of a nice
woman like Doris Ziffel.

- I am not trying, what
do you mean, car thief?

- Don't you raise your
voice to the law, son.

This car was reported
stolen from the Douglas farm.

- Mr. Douglas lent it to me.

- (laughs) Of course he did.

Hold out your hands, boy.

- But Sheriff.

- Uh uh, let's have no v*olence.

(telephone rings)

- Hello there.

- Lisa, this is Mort.

- Mort who?

- Mort Warner.

- He's out in the corn
field with my husband.

I'll call him for you.

- No, I'm not out in
the corn field, I'm here.

- Where?

- In jail.

- Oh, are you
having a good time?

- No, I've been arrested
for stealing your car.

- Oh, you're the
one who swiped it.

- Swiped what?

- Mort is in jail,
for stealing our car.

- He didn't steal it.

- Eb said he did.

- I don't care what Eb
said, he didn't steal it,

I loaned it to him.

- Now tell that blubber
brain sheriff to let him go.

- Mort, can I talk to
the sheriff, please.

- Just a second, Mrs.
Douglas wants to talk to you.

- Hello?

- Is this the blubber
brain sheriff?

- I beg your pardon, ma'am.

- Mr. Warner
didn't steal the car,

my husband lent it to him.

You can let him go.

- Yes ma'am.

- What's the matter?

What happened?

- Oh, it looks like there's
been a little mistake, son.

No hard feelings.

- No, no hard feelings.

Oh here, would you
mind taking these off?

- Ooh, glad to.

- Fine.

- The law's only human, son.

We win a few, and lose a few.

I'd say our average
is about 50%, which is,

doggone it.

- What's the matter?

- Deputy must have taken
the handcuff keys with him.

- Well, where is he?

- Salmon Creek, Alaska.

He's gone up to the
head office of the auto club

to give a safety lecture.

- But you just got
here this morning,

why do you want to leave?

- I'm used to more excitement.

This peace and
quiet is k*lling me.

- Would you hold still, please?

There we are.

- What's that?

- Your wristwatch.

- Oh, for the love of, no.

- Would you like to
have some more coffee?

- No!

Thanks.

- Sawin' ain't gonna work.

Maybe if we soaked his wrists.

Would you like to
come out to the shower...

- No!

(audience laughing)

- Well, maybe I
could take them off.

- How?

- Like they do in the movies.

- That old bromide,
that's never going...

(handcuffs click open)

- May I have the
other hand, please?

- (blows bird
caller) Hello there.

- Uh, Mr. Kimball, we're...

- Mr. Douglas, I've been
looking for quail all day,

and I finally spotted
some in your corn field,

mind if I foot a shew?

- No, no, go right
ahead, foot a shew.

- Would you like to join me?

- No, we're having
a meeting here.

- Well how about
you Mr. Agriculture?

Would you, um, say,
certainly is an interesting

looking wristwatch.

How does it work?

- Mr. Kimball, if you
don't mind, we're busy.

- Oh, yeah, I can see
you're all tied up (chuckles).

(blows bird caller)

- Oh, there you are.

Now you can go to
the barn dance tonight.

- No I'm afraid not, I'll be
leaving on the first plane.

- Oh Mort, if you'll just...

- Mind if I call the airport?

- Oh, uh, Mort, that, uh.

- Hello, hello, hello?

- Oh, it doesn't work.

- Yeah, I didn't think it would.

- Yeah, no, we
have another phone.

I'll show you where it is.

- You mean up there?

- Yeah, when they put in
the phone they ran short

of wire, and...
- Yes, I, I understand.

(g*nsh*t fires)

- What was that?

- Oh, that's Kimball,
footing a shew quails.

(blows bird caller)

(g*nshots f*ring)

- What's, what's the number?

- Just tell the operator
you want the airport.

- Hello, hello?

(g*nshots f*ring)

- Doggone it.

(g*nsh*t fires)

(Mort yells)

Ooh, I think I finally
got something.

- You mean I have to
lie here on my stomach

for a whole week?

- The doctor didn't get
all the buckshot out yet.

- He said you still have
few left in your birthmark.

- There goes my
relationship with Doris Ziffel.

- Mort, you might as
well relax, take a nap.

We'll keep everything quiet

and make sure
nobody bothers you.

- (sighs) I'd appreciate that.

- Oh, well I guess
he's feeling better,

he turned on the TV.

(Mort yelling)
(audience laughing)

(whimsical music)

- [Eva] This has been a
Filmways presentation, Darling.
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