05x18 - The Ex-Con

[bunniefuu]

(cheerful music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dah-ling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- What are you looking for?

- My dress shirt.

- Oh, that's in the D drawer.

A, B, C, D.

Here you are.

- That's a dress.

- Well, what are
you looking for?

- My dress shirt.

- Oh, that is in the S drawer.

- Which one is the S drawer?

- Well, look in the I drawer,

that's where I keep
my information.

Now why can't I come
to the dinner with you?

- Because it's for the County
Bar Association, no women.

Just men.

- Oh, it's going to be one
of those kinds of things.

- No, it's not one of
those kind of things.

- Well couldn't I just go along

and just listen to your speech?

- I'm afraid it'll
be very boring.

- Well, I find all
your speeches boring

but I still like to
listen to them.

- Oh, that's very...

- What are you gonna talk about?

- Oh, society's obligation
of reformed convict.

In my opinion...
- Hold it, Charlie!

- What?

- What do you
think you're doing?

- I'm gonna put my pants on.

- Not in front me, you're not.

- Lisa, we're married.

- For better or worse but
not for putting on your pants.

- All right then, turn around.

- Why did you pick the
subject of reformed convict?

- Because it's important.

It's seems that all
society cares about

is putting a man in jail,

they don't care about what
happens to him after he gets out.

You can turn around now.

- I didn't hear the zipper.

- I had it oiled.

- I wish I could go with you.

- Yeah so do I but...

Did you see my cummerbund?

- No, I had my back turned.

- May I have your
attention please?

We're running a little late

but while the waiters
take your dessert order,

I'll introduce our guest
speaker for the evening.

- What do you
have for dessert, sir?

- He will address us this
evening on the subject

of society's obligation
to the released convict.

- What'll be sir?

Rice pudding, canned
peaches, or stewed prunes?

- Will you give a warm welcome

to Mr. Oliver Wendell Douglas?

- Peaches.

Douglas.

- Sir, I'll put you down
for the stewed prunes.

- It's fine, fine.

Thank you, thank you.

Mr. Kelsey.

Stewed members, uh...

Distinguished members of
the County Prune Associ...

(audience laughs)

Of the County Bar Association.

When a man has committed a crime

and the gates have
closed behind him,

we on the outside...
(ethereal bells)

It is up to us as attorneys
or more importantly

as human being to see that
they are given the opportunity

to make a new start in life.

We have got to give
them jobs in our offices,

our shops, our stores,
and on our farms.

They have paid
their debt to society.

Now let society
pay it's debt to them.

I thank... (audience laughs)

I thank you.

(crowd applauds)

Sorry, I didn't realized
I had talked so long.

- Right through
the stewed prunes.

- What?

- You blew 'em.

- You blew the stewed prunes.

- Well, I guess I got
wound up in my subject.

As I pointed out, these
men have made a mistake.

They go to jail to pay for it.

When they come
out, they need help.

I think we should all...

- Are you starting with
that pants business again?

- I'm getting undressed.

- Living with you is like living

in one of those nudie films.

- Look, close your eyes.

What I said was just because
a man had made a mistake

and gone to jail for it,

when he comes out, he
needs all the help he can get.

Just because a
man is an ex-convict,

people shy away from him.

They won't give him a job.

They won't accept him socially.

Before you know it,
he has no choice left

but to return to
a life of crime.

Lisa, you can open your eyes.

(Lisa snores)

(audience laughs)

Lisa.

(Lisa snores)

Well, I've done it again.

Oh, good morning.

- Have you got your pants on?

- Yes.

- All right then.

- What's for breakfast?

- Would you like me to make
you some harmony grits?

- Harmony?

No, just some corn flakes.

- Yes sir.

How do you want them?

Scrabbled or fried?

- Just pour them in a bowl.

- Oh, you want them raw.

- Yeah, raw.

- Mr. Douglas.

You're famous.

- What do you mean?

- They printed the
speech you made last night

in the County Seat Paper.

- What page is in on?

- One, two, three,
four, and five.

- What?

- That's only half of it.

They couldn't
print the other half

because the
reporter fell asleep.

- Look Eb. (knocking)

Who's that?

- I'll get it.

Oh, hello there.

- Hi.

Does Oliver Winkle
Douglas live here?

- Oh, the only Oliver Winkle
Douglas who lives here

is called Wendall.

- Oh.

Oh yeah, yeah.

I don't see too good
without my glasses.

- Neither do I.

That's why I never wear them.

Who would like to come in?

- Thank you.

- Oliver.

Oliver, there's a
man here to see you.

- Oh?

You wanted to see me?

- Yeah, my name
is Willie Dunhill.

I read the speech
you gave last night.

Did you mean all that stuff
you said about helping ex-cons?

- Oh, I'm not in the habit of
saying things I don't mean.

- Good.

When do I go to work?

- What?

- He said when
does he go to work.

- Yes, I heard him.

- Well then why did
you say what for?

- Because...

Are you an...
- I just got out.

- Got of what?

- A stir, lady.

- What's a stir lady?

- He means he was in prison.

- Well, isn't that nice?

- What's nice about it?

What were you in for?

- Which time?

Well, how about the job?

I really can't use any...

- Oh then, your whole
speech was malarkey.

- When did you learn
how to speak malarkey?

- I didn't. (sighs)

Look, I'd gladly
give you a job here

but this is a farm.

You have to know
something about farming.

- Well, farming is my racket.

This last stretch
I did they put me

to work on a prison farm.

I learned all about adjiculture.

- That's what we
need around here

is somebody who knows
something about adjiculture.

- What we need around here is
someone who can pronounce it.

- I'm trying to go straight.

And if I don't get a job...

- All right, I'll try you out
for a couple of weeks.

See how you work out.

- That's the same deal he
gave me when we got married.

- Lisa.

Have you got some work clothes?

- Just these.

- I'm talking to Willie.

- In my suitcase.

- Uh-huh, well, you share our
hired hand's room in the barn.

Now why don't you go change.

We'll put you to
work right away.

- I'd appreciate it if
you won't tell anybody

that I'm an ex-con.

The minute people find
out that you was in stir,

they look at you as if you
were some kind of freak

or something.

- Oh, that's all right with me.

You've paid your
debt to society.

Look, we'll forget your past.

Nobody ever needs to
know you were in prison.

- Thanks.

- Honey, this is a nice
thing you are doing.

Now if you just learn
to take your pants off

in the bathroom,
you'll be perfect.

- Willie?

Oh.
- Ready to go to work.

- All right, the first thing...

What are you wearing?

- My work clothes.

These are what I
wore on the prison farm.

- Well, if you don't want
people to know about your past,

I wouldn't wear those.

- I ain't got anything else.

- I'll go into Drucker's
and buy you some...

- Hi Mr. Douglas.

I just dropped by to...

Oh boy.

Can I talk to you a minute?

- Yes, what's the matter?

- Don't look now

but there's an escaped
convict standing right back of ya.

- Mr...
- Act nonchalant.

(whistles)

- Mr. Kimball.

He's not an escaped convict.

He was in prison,
he's been released.

I hired him.

- Does he know anything
about adjiculture?

- Willie.

Willie, this is our county
agent, Mr. Hank Kimball.

He's with the
Department of Adji...

Department of Agriculture.

- How do you do?

- Hey, I used to read a
lot of your farm bulletins

when I was in stir.

- Did you ever read
the bulletin we put out

called How to Control
the Meadow Spittlebug?

- No.

- Well, don't bother.

We're gonna make
a picture out of it.

- What?

- Yeah, MGM just bought it.

Boy, I hope they put
Debbie Reynolds in it.

She'd be perfect.

- He reminds me of a
cellmate I had in Joliet,

Crazy Cronkite.

- Willie, why don't you see

if Mrs. Douglas needs some
help around the house, huh?

- Right, warden.

- When did they
make you the warden?

- I'm not...

- Boy, wait til I tell the chief

that I'ce met an honest
to goodness ex-con.

- Oh, I'd prefer that
you didn't tell anybody

that you met Willie.

- Why not?

- You know how people
are, they're prejudiced.

- Well not me.

Boy, some of my best
friends are ex-cons.

Well, not some
of my best friends.

Although, I guess my brother
was one of my best friends.

- Your brother was an ex-con?

- Yeah, I wish you
wouldn't mention it.

You know how
prejudiced people are.

- I'll keep your secret
if you keep mine.

- That's a deal.

What is your secret?

- Ask my hairdresser.

- Oh.

What's your hairdresser's name?

- You'll find it in
the phone book.

- Oh gee, thanks Mr. Douglas.

- After I got out of Joliet,
I wanted to go straight

so I got this job in a
bank as a night janitor.

And I was coming
to work one night

and I thought I wonder
if anybody ever thinks

of cleaning the money
so I opened the vault

and I started dusting it

and all the bells start
ringing all over the place.

And for that, they give
me 10 to 20 in Alcatraz.

- Just for being Mr. Clean?

- Well, it really wasn't
too bad on the rock.

We had a great basketball team.

Al Capone, Frank Nitti,

Big John Dillinger,
and Doug Schultz.

We was friends for life.

And that's what most
of 'em were doing.

- Friends that you make in
school are the ones that last.

- Yeah, yeah.

I kind of miss them guys.

- [Mr. Douglas] Hi.

- Cheese it, here's
the head screw.

- Oh, hi warden.

- Oh now, stop
calling me... (sighs)

Look, here are your clothes.

Go change.

Lisa, did you... What?

- Permission to leave.

- You don't have to
ask permission to leave.

- Just an old habit.

You know after being
inside for over 40 years.

- Try to forget it, huh?

- Thank you.

- Do you know he's famous?

- Him?

- You've heard of the
bird man of Alcatraz.

He's the mushroom
man of Sam Quentin.

- San Quentin.

What do you mean
the mushroom man?

- Well, one day he
was digging this tunnel,

he snuck his head through
the hole in the ground,

and the guard knew
he wasn't a gopher

so they threw him
in solitary refinement

- Confinement.

- Wherever he was,
it was damp and dark

and there were mushrooms
growing all around the wall.

Well he didn't have anything
else to do so he studied them.

He's going to write
a book about it.

- Oh, fine.

- He's got an idea
for another book too.

Where he's giving crook lessons.

- Crook lessons?

- Yes, he showed
me some of them.

How to open a
lock without a key.

How to open blow a safe.

And how to pock pickets.

- No, not pock pickets.

Pick pockets.

- Well whatever they call it.

Do you want your wallet back?

I wonder if he'll squeal
to the fuzz on me.

- Hiya Marty.

I want you to meet Willie
Dunhill, my new cellmate.

- Let's get to work.

- Yes sir.

- What do you want me to do?

- Weed this corn.

- Which is the corn?

- Well, this is.

I thought you worked
on a prison farm.

- Well I did but we
never grew junk like this.

- Nobody does.

- Eb!

- These st*lks are
planted too close together.

And this soil would
be better for beans.

- He's right.

You oughta do
a stretch in prison

and learn something
about farming.

- Eb, just get started, will ya?

- Yes sir.

- What are you waiting for?

- Oh, we never started working

until the head screw
blew the whistle.

- I haven't got a whistle.

Just get to work.

Now what?

- I know this is silly
but I'd work better

if you'd stand over
me with a shotgun.

- Look, you're not in prison.

You don't need all
those fancy trappings.

Now let's just get started.

- Mr. Haney, what are you doing?

- Installing your
$50 burglar alarm.

- What do I need
a burglar alarm for?

- Well, you have a burglar
living here, don't you?

- He's not...
- Will you hold this please?

(electrical buzzing)

Ooh!

- Thank you.

I never can tell which
one has the electricity.

- Here, take this.

- Mr. Douglas, you just
ruined a $400 burglar alarm.

- I thought you said it was $50.

- I'll take it.

- I don't want it.

- $50 is a small enough
price to pay for protection

unless you wanna rent a
$30 Haney safe deposit box.

- No, I don't want to.

- Are you just gonna
leave your wife's jewels

and baubles lying around
within reach of any crook

that happens to be living here.

- Mr. Haney, how can
you call anybody a crook?

- Mr. Douglas, I detect a
note of innuender in your voice.

- It's more than innuender.

The only difference
between you and Willie Dunhill

is that he made the
mistake of being caught.

- Mr. Douglas, would
you mind repeating

that into my elk's tooth.

- Your?

- Teaching one, two, testing.

I wanna tape your
accusations for the slander suit.

- Mr. Haney.
- And speak slowly.

I'm recording you at
two and seven eights.

- Get in your truck
and get out of here.

- Well, I guess under
the circumstances,

there's nothing to do but
go home, lick my wounds,

and return some other time
when you're more rational.

- Out!

Good morning.

- Hello there.

- What are you trying to do?

- Stirring the hotcake batter.

- Must you?

- I am making this
especially for Willie.

- Look, he's already
paid his debt to society.

- I learned this
from a hamburger.

Oh, hello Eb.

- Hello.

(yawns)

What a night I had.

I didn't sleep a wink.

That cellmate of
mine, holy sassafras.

- What did he do?

- First of all, when it
was time to go to bed,

he moved all the furniture.

- What for?

- He was looking for
the sink in the corner.

I finally convinced
him there wasn't any.

So now we go to bed, then
he wouldn't turn out the light.

- Well why not?

- He was waiting
for a bed check.

- Well, I guess it isn't
easy to adjust to civilian life.

- Permission to enter.

- Oh, come in.

- Oh, hello Willis, sit down.

- Thank you.

- Breakfast will be
ready in a moment.

- Hey, how was
the food in prison?

- Oh, fair.

For breakfast, you'd
get fresh orange juice,

strawberries and cream or melon,

eggs with ham,
bacon, or sausage,

and then they had these
little biscuits with honey.

- According to those prison
pictures, the food is lousy.

I saw one where the
cons banged on the tables

and yelled, "Yah, yah, yah!"

- Hey, that might have
been the picture I was in.

This movie company
come up to the big Q

and they used some of us.

I had a speaking part.

The guy comes in and he
puts the food down in front of me

and I took one look at it

and I said, "I ain't
gonna eat this slop.

"Yah, yah, yah, yah!"

- Here's your breakfast.

- I ain't gonna eat this slop.

Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah.

- Holy smoke, the
warden's gone stir crazy.

- Yah, yah, yah,
yah, yah, yah, yah.

Yah, yah, yah, yah.

Oh, hi Willie.

- Hi.

- Just gonna bed
Eleanor down for the night.

- Oh.

- What are you doing?

- I'm whittlin'.

It's a hobby I picked
up while I was in stir.

How do you like it?

- Oh, a...

- Of course, it'll look
like the real thing

when I smear some
black shoe polish on it.

We all use to make these.

Used to drive the screws crazy.

- I could imagine.

- I was thinking
tonight is the night

they always showed
movies in stir.

I don't suppose you show 'em?

- Oh, no.

Look, why don't
you watch television?

- Too much v*olence.

- They have comedy shows.

- A widower with three kids
or a widower with two kids.

What's funny about that?

- Look, why don't you read?

- Oh, is there a
library around here?

- There's one in Hooterville.

Oh, that closes at 5:30.

- In stir, they always
stayed open til' eight.

I use to love them
art books they had.

(laughs) I use imagine
what the pictures was like

that they cut out.

- Well, maybe you...

- I sure miss that old
g*ng in our cellblock.

Sneaky, Clyde the Pink,
Mort the butcher, great guys.

We use to sit around at night
planning how to break out.

- Look, you're free.

You don't have to
plan to break out.

- I know, it takes all
the challenge out of life.

I don't know if I like
being on the outside.

- Look, Willie,
tomorrow's your day off.

- Well, what does that mean?

- You don't have to work.

- What am I suppose to do?

Lie around in my cell all day?

- Willie, why don't
you go to Pixley?

They got a movie theater
there, bowling alleys, a pool hall.

- I don't know anybody there.

- You'll meet somebody.

People who live in farming
communities are very friendly.

- Well.

- Willie, you're just
having trouble adjusting.

In a couple of weeks,
you'll get use to being out.

- I sure hope so.

Bang, bang, bang.

(dog barks)

Go away, go away.

Go away.

- You waiting for somebody?

- No.

- Well, what are you doing?

- I'm just standing here.

- We got a law against
loitering, move on.

- Yes sir.

(glass shatters) (alarm rings)

- He's going to plead guilty?

- Yes, I offered to defend him.

- But he wants to take the wrap.

- Yeah, he wants to...

- What are they
going to do with him?

- Send him back to Sam Quentin.

- San Quentin.

- Yeah, I...

- Well why didn't
he take it on the lam,

instead of standing there

and letting the fuzz
catch him with the loot?

- Lisa, it's obvious.

He wanted to be caught.

He wanted to go back to jail.

He kept talking
about his friends.

It was almost as
if he enjoyed it.

- I guess it must
be a fun place.

- How could it be?

You're locked in.

You can't go any place.

Somebody always telling
you what to do all the time.

You have to eat what
they throw at you.

Just like being married.

- I have a feeling we're
going to regret we said that.

Aren't you?

- Oh, I wasn't talking
about our marriage.

I don't feel like I'm in jail.

- Well.

- No, more like
being in bootcamp.

- Oliver!

- You know I didn't mean that.

See you in a little bit.

- Where you going?

- I'm going to the bathroom
to take my pants off.

- Wow, at least
Willie did some good.

He made a gentleman out of you.

(cheerful music)

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darlin'.