05x19 - The Cow k*ller

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
gimme that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

("Green Acres Theme Song")

- Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

(horn honks)

- What is this?

- The new truck you
ordered from Mr. Haney.

- This isn't the truck I bought!

- It's the one he gave me.

- That miserable Haney.

I shoulda known better than to

buy anything
from... (horn honks)

- Good morning.

- Mr. Haney.

- I can see by the pleased
expression on your face

how happy you are
with your new truck.

- Mr. Haney this is not the
truck that I bought from you.

- It isn't?

- No.

The truck you showed me

and the truck I bought
was almost brand new.

- Oh well I couldn't
give ya that truck.

See that was a floor sample.

- A floor?
- Now shall we

get down to business?

You gave me $200 deposit.

So you still owe me
a balance of $250.

- I'm not giving you any $250.

- Well then I'm afraid I'll
be forced to take legal steps.

- Mr. Haney, if there are
any legal steps to be taken,

I'm the one that's
gonna take 'em,

because this time you
made a big mistake.

- Impossible.

- You gave me a bill of sale

with the other truck's
motor number on it.

So you're guilty of fraud
and perhaps larceny.

You can go to jail
for what you've done.

- To jail?

Well rather than have
a dissatisfied customer,

I'll return your $100 deposit.

- $200.

- Are you sure?

- I have your receipt.

- Well in that case, well
I'll give ya the money.

Here's your.

Doggone I must have a hole
in the pocket of my other suit.

- Mr. Haney.

I want the money.

- I'll have it here by
the first of the month.

- Now.

- Well it'll take a
little longer than that.

- Alright, I'll give ya
'til six o'clock tonight.

- Aw but...

- It's either
that or go to jail.

- Where am I gonna
get that kinda money?

- That's your problem.

Come on Eb, let's
get out in the corn.

- $200!

Well I can get the $10 back

that I let my
brother-in-law have

for letting me use his
truck as a floor sample.

But the other $190
might not be that easy.

- Why I ever buy anything
from Haney is beyond.

What the?

What happened to my corn?

- I don't know.

I never saw it look so good.

- Musta been Colby's cow.

- You mean Irene?

- This is the 2nd time this
week she's trampled my crops.

- At least somebody's getting
some enjoyment out of 'em.

- I told Colby
to fix that fence.

- It wouldn't do any good.

She's in love with your bull.

Barbed wire
wouldn't keep her out.

- You know I don't have a bull.

- Then she must
be in love with you.

- She's not in love
with. (cow moos)

- Uh oh.

Here's your sweetheart.

- Out!

- You two wanna be alone.

- Eb, will ya stop it.

Out, get out.

Out, go on.

- Irene, he's trying to tell
ya that the romance is over.

(playful music)

- [Colby] So there
you are, Irene.

- Look, Mr. Colby, look
what your cow did to my corn.

- Not Irene.

Why I've taught Irene to
tiptoe through a corn field.

- Look, can't you keep your
cow on your side of the fence?

- Not unless you fix it.

- Why should I fix it?

- 'Cause it's your fence.

- The fence is on
the property line,

it belongs to both of us.

- Looks like the break
was on your side.

- The break is on both sides!

- Well if you fix your side,

I won't have to
worry about mine.

- Alright, I'll fix it, but if that
cow breaks through again

and does any damage
to my crops I'll, I'll.

Well I wont' be
responsible for my actions.

- You'd better listen
to him Mr. Colby.

There's no telling what he'll
do when he gets his riles up.

- Come on Irene.

- Alright Eb, now
let's get some tools

and fix the fence.

- Oh hello there.

- And good morning.

My card.

- Thank you.

- Lady.
- Oh, you want your card back.

- Madam please.

My name is Wheeler.

I'm with the
advertising department

of the Salt Lake City
salt lick company.

- Oh, I was once
in Salt Lick City.

- No ma'am, that's
Salt Lake City.

We manufacture a salt lick.

- Well we're not very
big salt lickers here.

- Well maybe you
could tell me something.

Do you own that property down
there along the county road?

- No.

- Do you know who does?

- My husband.

He keeps everything in
his name, except my name.

- All I really wanna know is,

would your husband allow
us to put up a billboard

advertising our salt lick on
that property along the road?

- I don't think so.

- We'd be willing to pay him.

- Well, that wouldn't
make any difference.

He's a real hot head
about billboards.

He always said that the
countryside should remain unspoiled.

That if Mother Nature
wanted billboards,

she would have
gotten in touch with you.

- Well thanks anyway.

- You're welcome.

Did you want your card back?

- No, you can have it.

- Well that's good and solid.

The cow won't be able
to get through there again.

- Huh, she won't have to.

She found another way in.

- Oh that miserable.

Get out, get out!

Go on, get out!

Look at these tomatoes.

- Yeah, they look better
than they did last year.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Yeah, I noticed your
corn field looked better too.

- Look, Mr. Kimball,
we're a little busy.

- Hey, you better fix
that hole in the fence

or that cow is liable to
go over to Colby's place

and cause a lotta damage.

- That's Colby's!

- Well how'd she get in here?

- Through that
hole in the fence!

- Boy you oughta fix that.

- Look, I...
- I can't move her.

- That's no way to
try to move a cow.

I took a course in
college on cow moving.

There was one method
that was advocated

by Professor Lucius Feltweiner.

- What was that?

- You get a shotgun
and scare her off.

- If I had a shotgun
I think I would.

- Would you like to borrow mine?

- No, I...
- I took another course

in college that might work.

Animal psychology.

- Look, Mr. Kimball.

You're just wasting our...
- What's her name?

- Irene.

- Irene huh?

My dear, I would
like to talk to ya.

You understand?

(cow moos) (playful music)

- Holy hole in the fence.

Did you see that?

- What did you say to her?

- Well I told her you said

that if she didn't
get out of here

you were gonna borrow my
shotgun and blow her head off.

- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, well goodbye Mr. Douglas.

- How come you're so dirty?

- Huh? Oh!
- We were fixing the fence

to keep Mr. Douglas'
girlfriend out.

- Oh?

- Her name is Irene.

And she's in love with him.

- She's a cow.

- Well that's a nice
way to talk about a girl

who's in love with you.

- He's an 18 karat cad.

- She's Mr. Colby's cow.

And she keeps
breaking down the fence

and trampling my crops.

And if she does
it once more, I'll...

- You'll what?

- He'll blow her head off.

- Eb will you?

- He's gonna borrow
Mr. Kimball's shotgun.

- That's enough Eb.

- But.

- Just run along.

- Yes sir.

- Well you certainly
are a hot head.

- I am not a hot head.

- Well then why did
you want to borrow

Mr. Kimball's sh*t
g*n to shoost the cow?

- I didn't want to borrow it.

- Here's the shotgun you
wanted to borrow Mr. Douglas.

- But.
- Well!

If I ever saw anybody with
a guilty look on their face.

And a shotgun in
their hand, that is you.

- Look, I didn't...

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.

Guess who broke down the fence

and is in your apple orchard
eating all your apples?

- Oh that miserable.

Well I'll fix her.

- Oh Oliver, don't do it.

Don't do it!

- We'll put the billboard
up right over there Phil.

- This side would be
better Mr. Wheeler.

- No that property
belongs to a hot head

who doesn't like billboards.

- Oh, well we don't wanna
tango with another one of them.

Remember the farmer
that took his shotgun to us?

- Vividly.

Come on, let's unload the truck.

- Irene I warned you.

Now get outta here.

Go on, out!

(g*n fires)

- Was that a shotgun?

- Yeah and it's coming
from the direction

of the hot head's farm.

- [Oliver] Will you
get outta here?

- We're going, we're going.

Let's get moving.

(playful frenzied music)

- Irene, what would it
take to make you go home?

(cow moos)

I'm sorry, but I'm married.

- I think it's a good idea
for you to talk to Mr. Colby.

With your husband running
around with a loaded shotgun.

- Oh I don't think that
Mr. Douglas would sh**t anybody.

- Uh oh.

Holy smoke.

- What is it?

- Irene.

- Why is she sleeping this way?

- She ain't sleeping.

- You mean she.

- As a doornail.

Mr. Douglas finally did it.

- Oliver.

Oliver how could you?

(sobs)

- Stay here.

Holy toledo.

- Is the cow really...

- She d*ed a grade A death.

I guess she went out
the way she wanted to.

With her cream on top.

Boy if Mr. Colby
finds out about this,

he's gonna come
gunning for Mr. Douglas.

- What can we do?

- May I be of assistance?

- Mr. Douglas sh*t
Irene in a fit of rage.

- Your husband is a cow k*ller?

- What can we do?

Mr. Colby might
shoost my husband.

- Let me examine
the corpus delicious.

(hollow thunking)

It's a dud.

Maybe there's some way
I can parlay this into $190.

- Well Mr. Haney?

- It's Irene alright and
she's beyond morsel help.

- Oh the poor thing.

- But at a time like this,
we must think of the living,

namely Mr. Douglas.

And how to protect him
from Mr. Colby's wrath.

- Yeah.

- Now you two go home and
act as if nothing had happened.

And I'll get rid of the
rigor before mortise sets in.

- How much is that
gonna cost Mr. Haney?

- Let's not discuss
money at a time like this.

- Oh that's very kind of you.

- Oh I'll be around
later for my $50.

- Why are you staring at me?

- It's the first time I've
been this close to a k*ller.

It's a little frightening.

- What is he?

- Oh Oliver, oh Oliver.

Why did you do it?

Why, why, why, why?

- Have you been taking
Joan Crawford lessons?

- Just like pretty boy Floyd.

He's gonna brazen it out.

- Eb, take this g*n
back to Mr. Kimball.

- Oh no.

You're not gonna get
my fingerprints on it.

I ain't gonna take
the rap for ya.

- What?

- You should be ashamed of
yourself, trying to frame him.

- You two haven't been at
the antifreeze again have you?

- Oliver, why did you do it?

Why, why, why?

- Will ya stop with the
vi vi and tell me vat vat?

- You sh*t Irene that's vat vat.

- You're outta your mind.

- No Oliver, you're the
one that's out of your mind.

That's how we're
going to get you off.

You're going to plead
temporary insanitation.

- Yeah there's always been

a streak of insanitation
in my family.

- Oh but don't worry Oliver.

I will stick by you.

- Lisa, I appreciate
your loyalty,

but I did not k*ll
Mr. Colby's cow.

- You fired the
shotgun, didn't you?

- In the air, straight up.

- That's the way we found her,

with her legs in
the air, straight up.

- Lisa I did not...

- Anyway Oliver, you
don't have to worry.

We got rid of her.

- Thank you, very much.

- Boy, there goes a
real coup cow k*ller.

- Well I know that you and
Irene were very good friends.

- Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh Mr. Haney.

- Is the k*ller around?

- No he's out in the apple
orchard fixing a fence.

- Good.

You'll be happy to know I
took care of that little matter.

I gave her a nice service,
dignified but simple.

Now may I have my $75?

- I thought you said $50.

- Well I figured you'd
want an organist.

- Well I don't have
the money with me.

- A check will be fine.

- Well thank you.

- Oh, if you don't mind,
just make it out to cash.

- Who's he?

- Uh, he's the organist.

Ogden Cash.

- There you are.

- 'Course we're not
outta the woods yet.

- We're not?

- No ma'am.

Mr. Colby hasn't
missed Irene yet.

And when he does, he'll
know what's happened

and he'll come a
gunning for your husband.

- What can we do?

What, what, what?

- That's one of the finest
impressions I've ever seen

of Joan Crawford.

- Thank you.

- Now the only way to keep
Colby from missing Irene

is to replace her
with another cow.

You wouldn't happen to
have a cow would you?

- Well just Eleanor.

But I can't give her up.

I couldn't do that to her.

- Well either you
do it to Eleanor

or Mr. Colby'll do
it to your husband.

- Oh I'm sorry Eleanor.

- Now if you will just make
me out another check for $15.

- What is that for?

- Transporting
Eleanor over to Colby's.

Now normally
there'd be no charge,

but unfortunately I'm
driving a unionized truck.

- Oh, well.

- But I don't need a cow.

- All I'm asking for is $100.

- And I wouldn't
give you $35 for her.

- Sold, $35.

- What's the matter with her?

Dried up?

- Colby, I resent you casting
nasturtiums on my honesty.

- Why are you so
anxious to sell her?

- Well I'm having a
gigantic cow clearance sale.

I'm getting rid of all my cows

to make room for a flock of
sheep I'm considering buying.

$35 eh?

You got a deal.

- Oh, Mr. Haney.

- Is the moo moo
m*rder*r at home?

- No.

He went to Drucker's.

- Probably to get a tranquilizer
for his jagged nerves.

- No, he went
to get a fertilizer.

- Well that'll take the edge
off of a jagged nerve too.

- Anyway, I brought it over.

- Brought what over?

- Follow me.

I'm sorry it took so long.

- What took so long?

- Having Irene stuffed and
mounted as per your order.

Ain't that a work
of taxidermical art?

- Yes, but I didn't order it.

That wasn't your
voice on the phone

saying to have Irene stuffed
and mounted for $100?

- No, it wasn't.

- Perhaps it was your $50 voice?

- Well why would I want
to have Irene stuffed?

- As an object lesson to your
husband to curb his temper.

By having this
stuffed version of Irene

in such a prominent
place as your bedroom,

it will serve as a constant
reminder of his dastardly deed.

And I guarantee that he'll
never k*ll another cow again.

- Well, if it help to
curve his temper,

it's worth $25.

- Uh, I believe the last
figure mentioned was $50.

- $35 is the highest.

- Make it $45 and
you've bought yourself

a stuffed constant reminder.

- Alright, you put it in the
barn and I'll get your money.

- Mr. Douglas, this
ain't gonna work.

- Why not?

Something's broken,
you tie splints to it.

- Boy you've really blown
your mind since you...

- Since I what?

- Since you.

Holy smoke.

Look!

It's the ghost of Irene
come to haunt you.

- What?

- Haunt him.

He did it to ya.

But I tell ya it was
the ghost of Irene.

- How can it be the ghost of
Irene when the ghost of Irene

is in the barn,
in there stuffed?

- Where did you get this?

- I bought it from Mr. Haney.

He had it stuffed for me.

- This ain't Irene.

This is a phony.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, look what
it says right here.

Property of the Salt Lake
City salt lick company

advertising department.

- I should've known better.

Mr. Douglas never
could shoost anybody.

- He might start now when
he finds out about all the money

you gave Mr. Haney.

- Well maybe we
better not say anything.

- It's okay with me,

but how are you gonna
explain where Eleanor is?

- Oh, I forgot all about her.

You go over to Mr. Colby
and get her back.

- Okay.

What about stuffy?

- Well I have to find out
a way to get rid of her

before Mr. Douglas gets back.

- Looking for something?

- Yes, we had a stuffed
cow on top of our truck

and it fell off along
here somewhere.

- Have you seen it?

- Well that all depends.

Is there any reward?

- $10.

- Don't go away.

May I be of assistance?

- Mr. Haney.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

- Why?

What did I do?

- Starting from the beginning.

You made me think that my
husband was a cow shooster.

Then you charge me to
get rid of the evidence.

And then you charge me
again for this stuffed phony and...

- You haven't told your
husband, have you?

- No, and I better not.

Otherwise we'll have a
stuffed Mr. Haney around here.

- You'd better get rid of this
before Mr. Douglas sees it.

- Well that was I
was trying to do.

- Let me take it
off of your hands.

- How much will that cost?

- Nothing!

Just a $10 trucking fee.

- I like nothing better.

- But...
- Nothing!

- Very well, I'll do it
as an act of mercy.

- Yep, this is it.

- Good.

May I have the $20 reward?

- I said $10.

- Oh that's correct.

But I had to pay $10
outta my own pocket

to the folks that found it.

Because they had
become so attached to it.

- Alright, here's your $20.

- Good.

This should do it.

- Eb, Eb!

- What's the matter?

- Eleanor's missing.

- Well then why are
you calling for Eb?

- Do you know where she is?

- What does she look like?

- Are you stalling me?

Where is Eleanor?

- The question is
where is Eleanor?

- Here she is.

- There she is.

Does that answer your question?

- Eb, where've you been?

- Oh we were jogging.

- Jogging?

Let me have her.

- You owe Mr. Colby $35.

- $35!

- What was that about $35?

- Who said that?

- You did.

- I didn't hear it.

- Eb.

Take Eleanor to the
barn and milk her.

- Yes sir.

- Lisa, what's going on?

You two've been
acting funny all day.

First you accuse me of...

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.

- It's five to six,

I suppose you've come
to ask for an extension.

- No sir.

I have come to
give you your $200.

If you'll count it please.

- Where did you
get all this money?

- Oh I picked it up.

A little here
and a little there.

- Mostly here.

- Satisfied?

- No.

There's only $195 here.

You're $5 short.

- I am?

Somewhere along the line I
didn't charge somebody enough.

Surely you'll trust
me for the other $5.

- Mr. Haney, I've put up with
enough of your shenanigans.

This time I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.

I want the $5 now.

- Well I haven't got it.

But I could tell you a $5
story about a stuffed cow.

- Nevermind Mr. Haney.

Here's your $5.

- Thank you.

- Why did you give him the $5?

- Well I heard the
stuffed cow story

and I don't think
you would've liked it.

("Green Acres Theme Song")

- [Woman] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.