05x22 - The Picnic

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- [Lisa] Lulu!

Where is Lulu?

Lulu!

- Lisa.

- Well, hello there.

You're not Lulu.

(audience laughs)

- Who's Lulu?

- The new chicken.

- The new.

- [Lulu] Lisa.

- Oh, there you are, Lulu.

- What?

- Would you care to join us?

- [Lulu] Coming, Lisa.

(audience laughs)

Hello there.

- That's a parrot.

- Don't tell her.

She thinks she's
a talking chicken.

(audience laughs)

- Well that's the most.

- Every day she comes over here

and she lays an egg
with the other girls.

- How could she lay an egg?

- It ain't easy.

(audience laughs)

- She's a friend of Alice's.

She flew in all the way
from South America

and Alice invited her to stay.

- South America?

- [Lulu] Si, senor.

(audience laughs)

- Of all the.

- She speaks French too.

- French?

- Oui, monsieur.

(audience laughs)

- She talks seven languages.

- Fine.

- Alright, girls, you can
go back to play now.

(chickens clucking)

- Yeah, good bye.

(Lulu speaking in
a foreign language)

- Did you want to talk
to me about something?

- Yeah, how'd you like to
go on a picnic on Sunday?

- Is that what you
wanted to ask me?

- Uh-huh.

- See you around
the barnyard, Charlie.

(audience laughs)

- Now, wait a second.

I thought you might enjoy it.

We'll find a little spot under
a tree, alongside a stream,

take a little lunch,
just the two of us.

- Just the two of us?

- Yeah.

- Can we get a little smooching?

- Yeah.

- You're a dirty old man.

(audience laughs)

- [Oliver] Lisa.

- What is your preposition now?

- Proposition.

- You are a dirty old man.

- Would you like to go on a
picnic with a dirty old man?

- Who?
- Me.

- I'd love to.

(audience laughs)

- What was all that about...

(engine rumbling)

- What do we need
to take to a picnic?

- Don't move.

(upbeat music)

- Hello there, Mr. Haney.

- You moved.

(audience laughs)

- Look...
- May I take your picnic order?

- Mr. Haney,

we just decided
to have a picnic.

How did you find out about it?

- Lulu called me.

(audience laughs)

- Lulu?

- Si, senor.

(audience laughs)

- I told you she could
use the telephone.

- Now, I suppose
you want the A picnic.

- What is that?

- $45.

- $45?

- What do we get for that?

- Follow me.

(upbeat music)

First of all you
get this deluxe,

folding table and chair set.

- How do you get it apart?

- Well, I'm not
permitted to divulge that

until I get the $45.

(audience laughs)

- I am not paying...

- Now in addition to
the aforementioned

table and chair set the
A selection also includes

this genuine mohair blanket.

Just feel how soft Mo's hair is.

(audience laughs)

- You should be
ashamed of yourself.

- Why?

Mo does have soft hair.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa.

- Now once you have
spread your blanket,

set up your table and chairs,

you're ready for your lunch.

This consists of a bag
of fried chicken parts

with each part plainly
identified by a small tag.

(audience laughs)

- That's handy.

- That's ridiculous.

- In addition to the
assorted chicken parts,

you get one dozen
hard boiled eggs.

- Oh, they're all
different colors.

- Well that so if you
have any leftover

you can use 'em at Easter.

(audience laughs)

- That's clever.

- That's stupid.

(audience laughs)

- Now the picnic
basket also contains

this plastic
chocolate layer cake.

- What's that for?

- I'm glad you asked that.

- You would have
told her anyway.

- This is my
patented ant attractor.

You just place it on the ground,

at least five feet away
from where you're eating,

and the ants are attracted
by the lifelike look of the cake.

And while you eat in peace

they're breaking their
little teeth from the plastic.

(audience laughs)

- Now that is really silly.

(teeth crunching)

- Poor little nipper,

he'll have to gum his
way back to the anthill.

(audience laughs)

- Oh brother.

- Now for the
liquid refreshments.

I have several bottles of
champagne, vintage 1982,

which they tell me is
gonna be a very fine year.

(audience laughs)

- Why don't you
come back in 1982

and we'll see if you were right?

Come on, Lisa.

What are you doing?

- Making out the
list for the picnic.

- It's gonna be fun,
just the two of us.

This'll be the first outing we've
had since we've been here.

- Which China do
you want to take?

- You don't take China,
you take paper plates.

- Oh, it's gonna be one
of those cheesy picnics.

(audience laughs)

- No, you always
use paper plates.

Is this all we have?

- Mm-hmm.

- We had a whole
package of them last week.

What happened to them?

- Remember the tortillas
we had the other night?

- Yeah.

- And you said
they were so good.

- You mean?

- Si, senor.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Douglas I... Oh boy!

Are we gonna have
tortillas again tonight?

(audience laughs)

- No, we're not.

- We're going to use those
for the picnic on Sunday.

- Golly, a picnic.

Where are we going?

- Eb, I don't believe
anybody invited you.

- I don't need an invitation,
I'm one of the family.

(audience laughs)

- Yes you do, and no you're not.

- That ain't fair.

- That's right.

It isn't fair.

- Lisa, the idea was to
spend the day by ourselves.

- [Lisa] I don't see
anything wrong

if he comes along with us.

- I won't get in your way.

I'll just eat my potato
salad, drink my champagne,

and listen to the ants
breaking their teeth

on the plastic chocolate cake.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Oliver, why don't
we take him with us?

- Please, daddy dear?

Please, please, please?

- Alright you can come along!

But after lunch I want
you to take a walk

or go fishing or someplace,
just leave us alone.

- I will.

And thank you,
thank you, thank you.

I'm a lucky kid to
have such a fine father.

(audience laughs)

- Why did you have to ask him?

- Well, Oliver, it
will be a lot more fun

to go on a picnic
in a family way.

(upbeat music)

- Mayonnaise,
potatoes for your salad,

pickles, sandwich bread, cheese.

Did I forget anything?

- Where are the paper plates?

- Oh, I'm all out of those.

But a lot of folks use
tortillas for paper plates.

(audience laughs)

- Tortillas?

- How many of 'em
would you want?

- That will be enough.

There are only
three of us going.

- Oh, just three of you, huh?

- That's right.

- Small picnics are the best.

Just three of you, huh?

- Yeah, that's...
- I love picnics.

I haven't been
on a picnic since...

Just three of you, huh?

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Drucker, we'd
like to invite you but...

- No, no, no, I wasn't hinting.

No, if you're gonna have a
picnic three is a good number.

- Yeah, well...

- 'Course four is
a better number,

that way you can pair it up.

Two and two.

- I don't think you'd
enjoy pairing up with Eb.

- Why not?

- Mr. Drucker, would you
like to come along with us?

- I'd love to.

When are you going?

- This Sunday.

- Sunday?

Doggone it, I've been invited
to the Wheeler's for supper.

- That's a shame.

- 'Course I might be able to...

- No, no, no.

We wouldn't want you
to do that to the Wheelers.

- I guess not.

Well, I'll just put this
stuff in a sack for you.

By the way, what are you
doing about ants at the picnic?

- I didn't think we
had to do anything.

I thought there would
be enough of them there.

(audience laughs)

- No, I mean what are you
gonna do to get rid of the ants?

- Well, Mr. Haney had a
plastic chocolate cake made...

- Oh that Haney and
his phony gimmicks.

Now I have a sponge
rubber cherry pie.

If the smell don't get
'em, the sound does.

(pie squeaks) (audience laughs)

That's their mating call.

(audience laughs)

- Just put all that stuff in
a sack and that'll be fine.

- Yes, sir.

- Do you want me to help
you with the groceries?

- No, no, I'll get them.

(upbeat music)

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

- Hi, Mr. Kimble.

- Need a hand?

- Yes, thank you.

- Here you are.
(audience laughs)

- Oh you.

- Dropped off a scarecrow
over at Ben Miller's.

Boy, I never thought
I'd find a use for it.

(audience laughs)

- Would you mind
taking one of these?

- Oh, not at all.

Gee, thanks, now I won't
have to go shopping this week.

(audience laughs)

- No, I didn't mean...

Look, all I wanted you
to do is give me a hand.

- Here you are.

- I don't want that!

Give me the groceries.

- Sponge rubber cherry pie.

(pie squeaks)

My mother bakes
these all the time.

She doesn't bake 'em
she vulcanizes them.

(audience laughs)

Yeah, they're great
if you got soft teeth.

(audience laughs)

- Will you please...

- You know these make
great ant decoys too.

- Ant decoys?

- Yeah, you put
'em on the ground

and the ants bite into them
and the rubber springs up

and dislocates their jaws.

(audience laughs)

- I'll remember that.

- Remember what?

- About the...

- Say, these pies are great
if you're going on a picnic.

- We are.

- Where ya going?

- We don't know yet.

- Say, if you want a good
picnic spot I know just the place.

It has all these
beautiful trees,

a stream running
through it, a waterfall.

- That sounds perfect.

Where's that?

- Yellowstone National Park.

(audience laughs)

- Is there any place around
here that you know of?

- How about Meddy's Moodows?

Oh no, that's Mooney's Meadows.

That's got a stream
running through it too.

Well, not running,
it's more like crawling.

(audience laughs)

It isn't crawling either.

It's dried up that's what it is.

(audience laughs)

- Thanks but...

- The only other place
I know with water is...

No, that's the Atlantic ocean.

(audience laughs)

- We'll find a place.

- I'm sure you will.

Say, when is this picnic?

- On Sunday.

- You couldn't make
it Saturday could you?

I got a date Sunday.

(audience laughs)

- That's a shame.

- Maybe I can get out of it.

- Well, don't bother, it's
not a big picnic, Mr. Kimble.

Just three of us.

- I understand.

No, I don't understand.

(audience laughs)

- Don't worry about it.

Just you keep your date.

- Yes, sir.

Mr. Douglas?
- Yeah?

- One question.
- Uh-huh?

- You don't happen to know
who I have a date with, do ya?

(audience laughs)

- Sophia Loren.

- Si, senor.

(upbeat music)

- Lisa, we ought to get started.

- Do you think I have
enough sandwiches?

- How many did you make?

- I've got six ham and jelly,

six peanut butter
and liverwurst.

Or was it liverwurst
and the jelly?

No, the jelly's mixed
up in the tuna fish,

so the liverwurst must have
the egg salad on top of it.

(audience laughs)

- I think I'm gonna be sick.

(audience laughs)

- Need any help?

- No.

I think you do.

What are you made up for?

- I bought me a picnic suit.

The butterfly net came with it.

- I think you look very nice.

- Fine, fine.

Alright, let's get
this stuff out...

- Did you make the liverwurst
and jelly sandwiches for me?

- Six of them.

- On raisin bread with ketchup?

- Please, my stomach
just quieted down.

Did you find a spot for
us to have this picnic?

- Yes, sir.

The most romantic
spot in the whole county.

It's right at the foot
of Lover's Leap.

- Oh fine.

- We'll have it all to ourselves

unless some lover
decides to leap on us.

(audience laughs)

- That's alright, we've
got enough sandwiches.

(audience laughs)

- Let's get going.

- Oh, by the way, Mr. Douglas,

on the way can we
stop at Linda's house?

- What for?

- To pick her up.

- What?

- I figured since you're taking
a friend I oughta take one.

- Eb, I told you this
is a family picnic.

- Well, Linda's in a family way.

(audience laughs)

- What?

- I might marry her someday
and she'll be in a family.

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

- Oliver, you're schvitzing.

- Yeah, well.

- Why we'll be
glad to pick her up.

- Yeah, yeah fine.

Look, this started to be a
picnic just for the two of us

now we got him
and his girlfriend.

- Four is a nice number.

We're going to have
a wonderful time.

- Linda, I won't you to meet
my folks, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

- We're not your...
Hello, Linda.

- It's a pleasure to meet you.

- It's a pleasure.

Will you climb in,
we'll get started.

- I'll be right with you, I
have to get my accordion.

(audience laughs)

- Accordion?

- Yeah, she plays a
mean squeeze box.

- Hiya, Eb.

- Oh, Mr. Wheeler, I
want you to meet my folks,

Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

- Will you stop...
- How do you do?

- Where are we
going on this picnic?

- We?

I don't mean to be impolite

but we originally
planned this picnic

for my wife and myself

and then Eb
invited himself along

and then he rang
in your daughter...

- You don't think
I'd let my daughter

go on a picnic somewhere
with a strange boy?

- Oh, Eb's not a strange...

Well, yeah, yeah, I guess
you could call him that.

(audience laughs)

- No, sir, Linda's not going
anywhere with a chaperone.

When you got a daughter,

you gotta protect
her every minute

when she goes out with a boy.

(audience laughs)

- You can trust Eb.

- No he can't.

(audience laughs)

- Eb, will you...

- I'll get my coat and
I'll be right with you.

- Nice fella, ain't he?

- I'm sure he is.

- My father always went
along when I went out with you.

- He was just freeloading.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. and Mrs. Douglas,
this is my mother.

- How do you do, Mrs. Wheeler?

- How do you do?

It's very nice of you to
invite all of us to go with you.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't...
- Let me help you with those.

(accordion bellows)

- Can't you fold that thing up?

- Yes, sir.

- All set.

Mr. Douglas, do you mind
stopping by Drucker's store first?

- We've got enough
food for everybody.

- No, we've gotta pick up Sam.

- Sam?

- We invited Sam to supper
and we can't leave him.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, for the love of!

Alright, alright.

- Wait a second.

- What now?

- We have to wait for grandpa.

(audience laughs)

- Grandpa?

- Where do you want me to sit?

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Honk the horn for Sam.

- Mr. Wheeler, I
know when to honk...

(horn honks)

Don't do that!

- Don't holler at
the nice, old man.

- Hi, folks.

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker.

- Mr. Douglas it
sure was nice of you

to invite me to the picnic.

- You're welcome.

Are you ready?

- Just waiting for Clara.

- Who's Clara?

- The widow Burton.

I was gonna take her to the
Wheeler's for supper with me

until you invited
everybody on your picnic.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't invite everybody.

- This here's Clara.

- Hello, everybody.

- [All] Hello, Clara.

- Is that a tuba?

- No, that's a sousaphone.

(audience laughs)

- Wait until you hear
Clara and Linda play a duet.

(audience laughs)

- Where do you want us to sit?

- We don't have
room for everybody.

- You're right.

You better make two trips.

- I'm not gonna...
- Could you get going?

This kid's got the boniest
knees I ever sat on.

(audience laughs)

- Why don't you let
Linda sit on my lap?

- Yeah, Pa, why don't ya?

- Stay where you are.

All you kids think about
is television and sex.

(audience laughs)

- Look, Mr. Drucker,
I don't know...

(horn honks) (upbeat music)

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

I'm glad I caught you.

You know, you were wrong?

I didn't have a date
with Sophia Loren.

(audience laughs)

- I know you didn't.

- Well, I guess now
I go on your picnic.

Where do you want me to sit?

- There's no room for you.

We don't even have
room for Mr. Drucker

or Mrs. Sousaphone.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kimble, why don't
you take Mr. Drucker

and Mrs. Burton in your car?

- Take 'em where?

- To the picnic.

- Gee, I'd like to, Sam,

but Mr. Douglas invited
me to go on his picnic.

- It's the same one.

- Oh.

In that case, let's
all go in my car.

(upbeat music)

Where are we going?

- The foot of Lover's Leap.

- Just follow us.

- There's no reason
waiting for you,

it's gonna take you
awhile to change that flat.

- Flat?

(upbeat music)

(audience laughs)

Alright, everybody out.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

This is it, everybody out.

- Wait a minute.

Where's grandpa?

- Holy smoke, I
know where he is.

Remember when
we stopped for gas?

He went to the men's room.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, he borrowed
a nickel from me

for the perfume
machine in there.

(audience laughs)

- Oh for the love of!

- You'll just have to
go back and get him.

- Hey, me and
Linda'll go back for him.

- Oh no you won't.

Douglas'll get him.

First, let's unload the food.

I'm hungry.

There's no sense
waiting until he gets back.

- I'm hungry too.

- Well I'll save you
a sandwich, Oliver.

What do you want?

Peanut butter and liverwurst,
or tuna fish and jelly?

- Tuna fish and jelly?

What kind of mess is that?

- It's the same kind of a
mess my wife always makes.

If you don't want it,
you don't have to eat it.

- See here, Douglas, I didn't
want to come to this picnic

to begin with.

If you didn't have
a sex crazy kid.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, boys, don't fight.

I want this to be a nice picnic.

- And it would have been

if there had just
been the two of us.

- Okay, Mr. Douglas, you
can go pick up grandpa.

(engine revving) (upbeat music)

- Here we are.

- Where have you been?

- We had to stop
at the gas station.

- And look who we found
perfuming himself in the men's room.

- [Lisa] Oh, good,
we got grandpa.

- Who is?

- He picked her up
at the gas station.

(audience laughs)

- He picked her up?

- Why don't we all
sit down and eat?

Come on, let's
everybody sit down.

Let's go.

Oliver.

Oliver, come back.

Oliver, what's the matter?

- I wanted to be alone with you.

- Well, maybe later on we
can sneak away for a ride.

- Yeah, maybe
we can take a drive

up to the top of Lover's Leap.

- And what do we do
when we get there?

- We can throw
rocks down on them.

(audience laughs)

- Don't be such an old grouch.

Come on, let's eat.

- I'm hungry.

- So then he crossed
the river without the dog!

(laughing)

- Where are the sandwiches?

- We ate 'em.

- Isn't there anything left?

- Just this sponge
rubber cherry pie.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- The whole thing
was a disaster.

An absolute disaster.

- Well I thought
the music was good.

- Music?

A tuba and an accordion
playing Ach du lieber Augustin?

I don't call that music.

- Everybody had a good time.

- I didn't.

I wanted to be alone with you.

- What do you call this?

- Well.

- Would you like to
have some caviar?

- No thanks.

- How 'bout some more champagne?

- No thank you.

- I could make you a liverwurst
and grape jelly sandwich.

(audience laughs)

- I don't think so.

- What would you like?

- Why don't you come
over here and sit on my lap

and we'll discuss it?

This is what I had in
mind, just the two of us.

- Mr. Douglas, I
wanted to ask you if...

Oh boy, champagne and caviar!

Can I have some?

- Look, Eb...

- Help yourself, there's plenty.

- Is there enough for Linda?

- What?

- Linda!

- Hello, everybody.

- How 'bout some
champagne and caviar?

- Oh, that'd be wonderful.

- Oh for the love of.

- So this is where you went.

I told you two
to... Oh, thank you.

Champagne and caviar.

- Have some, Mr. Wheeler.

- Thank you very much.

Mildred!

Mr. Douglas is having a
champagne and caviar spread.

(audience laughs)

- No, I am not having...

- I think it's so
nice of you folks.

Grandpa!

(audience laughs)

- I think we oughta
drink a toast to grandpa,

he and what's her
name just got engaged.

(audience laughs)

- He just picked her up
at the gas station today.

- Congratulations, you two.

- What happened?

- Grandpa just got engaged.

- How 'bout that?

- Where did you...
- Sam!

- What's the matter?

- Grandpa just got engaged

and Mr. and Mrs.
Douglas are throwing

a champagne party for 'em.

- Oh, isn't that nice?

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Lisa.

- But...
- Come on.

- Help yourself, there are
plenty of glasses in the kitchen.

- Lisa.

- Where are we going?

- To the car.

("Ach du lieber Augustin")

- What about them?

- With luck, they'll
never find us.

(upbeat music)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.