33x15 - Bart the Cool Kid

Episode transcripts for the 1989 TV show "The Simpsons". Aired: December 1989 to present.*

Moderator: SideshowBob

Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise

"The Simpsons" - set in the fictional town of Springfield - parodies American culture, society, television, and many aspects of the human condition, and is a satirical depiction of a middle class American lifestyle.
Post Reply

33x15 - Bart the Cool Kid

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ ♪

(HUMMING A TUNE)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Huh?

So dope.

Slammin' kicks.

Is that kid wearing Slipremes?

He totally is.

These are my first tie-shoes.

You're wearing the new
Slipreme Caliphates?

How did a chum-wad like you get a pair?

My daddy took my cat to the cat doctor,

and when Daddy came home,

my cat had turned into these shoes.

So Ralph got weird sneakers...
Who cares?

Uh, no one...

except everyone.

Those aren't just sneakers.

They're Slipremes.

That's Orion Hughes' skatewear company.

He's huge on TikTok.

Got to say, today was crazy.

You all know my dad,

international superstar Darius Hughes.

Well, I just laid down the
hook for his new movie,

Duplicate Cop : Copy Cop.

(LAUGHS) ♪ One cop that
you just can't stop


'Cause he's two cops...
one cop and a copy of a cop


Two badges, one mind.

And my skatewear brand, Slipreme,

is about to drop a new shoe,

the sequel to the Caliphate One.

The Caliphate Two.

Limited release...
available only this Friday.

(LAUGHS) And Saturday,

we explode the pop-up
factory that makes them.

ALL (CHANTING): Go!
Go! Go, Orion! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go, popcorn!

- Go! Go! Go, popcorn!
- (GASPS)

BOTH: No! No! No kernels!

No! No! No kernels!

Hey, that's my favorite show.

You guys have to buy me these sneakers.

They're all anyone
cares about at school.

And if I don't have them, I'm nobody.

Well, you're somebody in this house.

Come on, don't lie to the boy.

I've never wanted a
piece of clothing before

in my entire life.

Dad, with this one act,

you can erase ten years
of second-rate parenting.

I'd think about that, Homie.

It's a pretty good offer.

Mm?

You must really want those pants

or videogame.

Son, your father will deliver.

Of course Orion Hughes'
new store would be

in Springfield's former
packing peanuts district.

This street is so cool.

Art galleries, beard-only barbershops,

and a weird store that only sells

a single action figure.

How do they survive?

Hmm?

Oh, look at this line.

Can't even see those guys.

I'm gonna be stuck here all
day with the nose ring brigade.

In that case, I'm gonna check
out this Hasidic surfwear shop.

Okay, Homer, you can do this...
You waited in line overnight

for Krusty's new fried chicken sandwich.

And it was the best
decision of your life.

I will get Bart those shoes.

Whoa!

(GASPS) Whoa!

Dad, you got 'em.

I waited through rain, through sun,

through the death of my phone battery

from watching super-cuts
of boating accident videos,

all to see the joy on your face.

I love you, Dad. I finally love you.

And bought love

is the best kind of love.

- JIMBO: Wow!
- NELSON: I'm so pumped!

DOLPH: I'm also pumped!

Here come the sneakers!

KID: Shh, shh.

ALL: Whoa! (HUSHED CLAMORING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Whoa, I got to see
those babies in action.

♪ ♪

(GRUNTS) Hmm?

(GRUNTS)

(ALL GASP)

These shoes are made from...

used Band-Aids and
North Korean newspapers?

My dad waited in line
all day for these shoes,

and they're crap.

I'm gonna go to that store
and get his money back.

(GASPS) "Dear Leader Announces

Wheat Quotas Exceeded Yet Again."

(ALL CHEERING)

(SNORING)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Ooh, a text.

(IMITATES POWERING DOWN)

(BART READING)_

Returning the shoes?

But then he'll find out...

what really happened.

So hot, no shade.

Maybe this guy will let me sit

under his flat-brimmed baseball hat?

Mm... Mm.

Homer J. Simpsons.

The line-standing legend himself.

Hey! Mike Wegman!

How's it clangin'?
Where's your food truck?

Somebody pushed it off a bridge,
but don't worry,

I had a good reason,
and now I got an even better business.

Selling those limited-edition sneakers.

You want a pair?

Oh, my God, my kid's begging for these.

How much do I owe you?

You owe me?

How much do the pilgrims
owe the Statue of Liberty?

How much does hot dog owe a mustard?

For you, these are on the house.

Oh, thank you so much.

Don't worry about it,
these aren't real Slipremes anyway.

What? They're fake?

Oh, but I promised my son the real ones.

Who, Bart, huh? That bed-wetting nobody?

He won't be able to tell the difference.

Kids today aren't like you and me.

They're dumb because
of phones or whatever.

Hmm, and I do like
getting away with things.

That's winner talk there.

Hey, which of you freak
shows wants to do business?

I like your dumb hat.

(HUMMING A TUNE)

(GRUNTS)

Mm? Mmm!

I got to stop Bart from
returning those fake sneakers.

"No no no no no!"

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Thanks, Dad, it is on.

Bart Simpson here,
about to clown some fools

who sold me some crappy sneakers.

These shoes are trash.
I want my money back.

Uh, real Caliphate Twos
aren't made from garbage.

They're vegan leather made
from upcycled recycling bins.

BART: Wait, what?

These are fakes.

You're trying to return
bootleg sneakers.

You can't record me...
I'm recording you.

What up, Shauna Nation?

As always, I'm Shauna.

(SCOFFS) Look at this idiot,
trying to return a knock-off.

Link in my bio to win
free edible eyeshadow.

They're not fake.

(LAUGHING)

My Dad waited in line for these
shoes and spent a lot of money.

And Homer Simpson
would never lie to his son

just to get out of standing in li...
(GASPS)

Oh, my God, he bought me fake shoes.

Bart, don't return the shoes!

This is just a dream.

- Wake up, Bart. Wake up.
- (GRUNTS)

How could you?

I will never be more embarrassed

than I am right now.

(ALL GASP)

We have underpants.

You've ruined me!

ALL: Please like and subscribe.

Stupid Homer. Turned me into a GIF.

Oh, man.

You're even a dance. It's called

the "Pants Kid Shimmy."

It's everywhere!

Pants Kid Shimmy

Pants Kid Shimmy

Pants Kid Shimmy

Shimmy, shimmy.

So fun! (LAUGHS)

Son, I got you this apology card.

The duck, you know,
on the front, he thinks

what I did was "quackers,"
and maybe he's right.

Don't ever talk to me again!

What was I thinking,
trusting you to help me look cool?

You're the least cool
person who ever lived.

(GASPS) But that includes Urkel.

You're bald. You own a bowling ball.

You own truck nuts but no truck.

You've seen Tim Allen's
standup multiple times.

You still have a CD tower.

And each one your three kids

is embarrassed by you
in a different way.

- (HOMER WHIMPERS)
- Mm.

You were born uncool

and every day for four decades,

you've gotten less cool.

I know I'm not exactly Stefan Urquelle,

but didn't you ever think
your old man was a little cool?

Never. Not one bit.

(WHIMPERS, SNIFFLES)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm looking for Bart Simpson.

Orion Hughes!

I found your critically-maligned
book of poetry

to be weirdly moving.

Yeah, I thought poetry
would be hard, but it wasn't.

I know you. You're the voice

of the urban squid from the live-action

Finding Nemo.

(GASPS)

Bart, I wanted to apologize

for the way my employees shamed you.

You heard about that?

- (HUMMING A TUNE)
- Ooh, I saw that dance

on Ellen today.

(MOANS)

You didn't know the shoes were fake.

To make up for your global humiliation,

I brought your family some
free Slipreme skatewear.

Whoa, new skateboards!

(GRUNTS)

Grab a board, show me what you got.

Uh, I'd love to, of course.

But the thing is,
I have a deal with Slim Jim.

I can't skate unless I'm holding
a Dr. Pepper Salami Twister.

Come on, just ollie off the curb.

Ollie? Oh, yeah, that's the move

where you throw it, right?

- (GRUNTING): Ollie!
- (GASPS)

You own a skatewear company and
you don't know how to skate?

(WHIMPERS)

Please don't tell anyone.

Hey, dude, no worries.

You know what? I can teach you to skate.

But what if I'm not
instantly amazing at it?

I've heard that can happen.

Okay, feet on the board,
bend your knees,

find your center...

- (GRUNTS) See? You're doing it!
- (EXCLAIMING)

I'm doing it. I-I'm authentic.

No one's ever been this real.

Don't fall down!

What's "falling down"?

(GRUNTS)

That's-that's my blood.

I've never seen it before.

So cool. Let's go again.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Can you pass the guacamole, #GuacAttack?

#NewChipsOnTheGuac?

You're hashtagging a lot lately.

So Bart called you uncool, big deal.

Chasing after coolness is futile,

because the definition is both arbitrary

and constantly changing.

Mm, still want to be it.

With hard shell tacos,
you've got to bite them

from the bottom, like this.

(GRUNTS)

Why?!

Why do I keep buying hard shells?

I hate them!

Uh, I'm going to Moe's.

At least put on a clean shirt.

Hmm. Mm.

Mm. Hmm.

Homer. Check it out... I'm selling

premium Wagyu-style steaks.

The -month subscription plan...

it comes with a genuine landline phone.

I'm too depressed to figure out
what you're saying.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's a Slipreme hoodie.

And that ain't even a knock-off
like these donkey steaks.

I got to post this.

Whoa, someone posted a picture of me,

and it it's not for
falling down an escalator

or yelling at a parking meter.

Which means I must be...

Cool. Yes, you are now cool.

HOMER: I've been liked.

Someone enjoyed looking at me.

Finally, I know
how it feels to be stylish.

To be loved for my appearance

instead of judged for my actions.

(GASPS) This is why people

own more than one outfit.

Thank you, Mike Wegman!

ORION: flip straight onto your ear.

Oh. Legendary!

(SLURRING):
Am I still slurring my's words?

Uh, it's-it's barely noticeable.

Having a movie star dad,
I don't really get

to hang out with regular kids.

With you I can relax,
you know, without having

to redefine our generation's
notion of relaxation.

I guess I envy you.

Isn't that something rich
people say to poor people

so that they feel less
guilty about being rich?

Yes, but for the first time, I mean it.

You helped me bleed.
Maybe I can help you.

What if we design a
new sneaker together?

A sneaker that all my friends will buy?

No, a sneaker that all your
friends will want to buy,

but can't, because
we won't make enough of them.

(GASPS) That's even better.

Huh?

What the hell are you wearing?

I know what it is...
a hobo was m*rder*d at a rave,

and Homer's going undercover
to find the k*ller.

Nah, nah, nah, he drove a motorcycle

through the clothesline
of a bi-curious farmer.

(LAUGHS) I was once like you.

Wearing clothes I bought
at the gas station

or found at the beach.

But I've learned something...
When you wear crazy clothes

you don't understand,
you're not you anymore.

You're someone better.

Oh, my God.

I'm beautiful.

Hey.

Well, look at me... I'm a real Hep Cat.

And not just because
I got Hep C, A and T.

Which, I-I do got those.


We must tell all middle-aged
men that they need not grow old.

Where do the graying
masses gather to worship?

I'm so sophisticated

To get a verse from me,
you gotta be initiated


To get a purse from me,
she gotta be sophisticated


Purchase a whip from me
and never miss a single payment


You wanna be the hottest
but that can get complicated.


Bart, together we'll design a sneaker

that'll change sneaker culture forever.

Which, in this business, is one week.

♪ ♪

The Bartman One.

My life has mattered.

Yeah, and it comes
with a sticker in the box.

The release party is Saturday night.

It's gonna be perfect.

The right music, the right influencers,

and every single person
there will be young,

cool and beautiful.

Excuse me, do you have this in a large?

You're buying that for yourself?

But old people don't
know about my clothes.

Unless...

Oh, no.

They're here.

The middle-aged.

The uncool!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

This is a nightmare.

My brand's been discovered by dads.

I'm wearing this to da club.

Da bridge club.

It's like Ed Hardy all over again.

Who the heck is Ed Hardy?

ORION:
Ed Hardy was a California tattoo artist


whose unique designs
were the epitome of cool.


But then, one terrible day,

a newly-divorced dad
wanted to seem younger


on his dating profile.

He bought a sleeveless tee in XXL

and then posted the picture.

Young people saw old
people wearing the brand,


and weeks later, a $ million empire

was sold for scrap.

Stupid old losers.

Slipreme's gonna die. What do I do?!

I don't know,
but we can think of something.

We're two of the coolest
kids in the world, right?

So cool.
You've even got your own sneaker.

That's cool, isn't it?

I don't even know anymore.

Hey, Bart, thank your old man

for introducing me to
the look of the street.

Wait, Homer's the reason you're
all wearing these clothes?

You know it.

If my dad started this,

maybe he can stop it.

Yes, can I pay
for this paisley tracksuit

- with airline miles?
- (GRUNTS)

Ooh. Ee. Ooh.

Drop the selfie stick now.

What about my Lookbook?

Stop dressing your zombie friends up

in the clothes of the living.

Never! Before I discovered streetwear,

people... like my son...

treated me like a dried-up old husk.

Well, you know what I am now?
A wet husk.

Full of juicy corn. Mmm, corn, Bart.

You hear me? Mmm, corn.

Orion and I made something
amazing together,

and you're ruining it.

(LAUGHS) Too bad.

'Cause we're all going to
your sneaker release party.

Just because they RSVP'd,

doesn't mean they're actually coming.

Wrong. My generation

shows up to things.

(GASPS)

This is horrible.
My Dad told all his loser friends

about this party.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Aah! It's my dad.

Act like everything's fine.

Son, I've never seen your aura

looking less indigo. Are you okay?

Nothing-nothing's wrong.
I'm crushing it.

I got this on lock. On lock.

Your words have convinced me.

The washed-up dads
are gonna be here soon.

I read about it in The
Old-Timers Gazette:


Facebook.

I can't handle this.

And my therapist is
pitching his sitcom today.

Which I'm producing. (WHIMPERING)

You said if I ever needed you,
you'd come.

No matter what. This is that call.

Okie-dokie. Want me to grab you
some mini carrots and hummus?

Yes.

Listen up, people.

For the first time in
your horrible lives,

you are not the lamest
losers in the world.

(CHEERING, CLAMORING)

So if any young person
asks you what you do,

say, "Virtual marketing for
a CBD massage oil startup."

Now everyone take two
precautionary Advil

and let's live forever!

Homer, stop it!

Dads, halt. Let my shorty speak.

Homer, this isn't who you are.

You're right...
it's better than who I am.

This is the man I married.

You call all deli meats baloney.

You carry clippers on your key chain

so you can cut your nails
in line at the post office.

You spent your stimulus check
on funny bumper stickers

about what you spent
your stimulus check on.

And since the day I first saw you

moonwalk out of an Arby's,

you've been comfortable
in your own skin.

Until now.

(GASPS) I look...

ridiculous!

I shouldn't be at a
sneaker release party.

I should be at home.

Making microwave popcorn.

My favorite show.

We don't belong here.

Men our age

belong in here.

The Museum of Aviation History.

(EXCITED CHATTER, LAUGHING)

LENNY: Oh.
The cross section of a real B- .

An IMAX movie about the
golden age of ballooning.

Audio tour by Gary Sinise.

It worked. They took the dad-bait.

(GRUNTING)

Dad. You did something no old
person is remotely capable of.

You changed your mind.

I'm sorry I almost ruined everything

for you and your friend.

I have no business wearing skatewear.

I don't even like to ice skate.

(GRUNTS) Oh.

I never got a pair of my own shoes,
and now they're sold out.

Yo, style freaks.
I got counterfeit Bart Ones.

Genuine knockoffs.

Your dumb friends
can't tell the difference

unless you wear 'em
or you look at 'em close.

(GRUNTS)

Thanks, Dad.
Sometimes you are a little bit cool.

Aw. Buy you a chicken sandwich?

Dad, tonight was a close call.

This party was almost not
a cultural gamechanger.

I hope you're not disappointed in me.

Oh, you can never let me down,

because I know exactly how you feel.

Because you're me.

No, Dad. I'm not you.

And I'll never be you.

(CHUCKLES) You're not
hearing what I'm saying.

You're me.

A clone of me. Like this.

You were created on the
set of
Duplicate Cop One,

which we filmed in a real cloning lab.

I knew I could never love a child

as much as I love myself,
so I made another me:


you.

But how... But I... But... What?

Didn't you ever wonder why
you don't have a mother?

- Kind of.
- Orion, our cosmic connection

is infinitely deeper

than what a "father" feels for a "son."

I love you, me.

I love you, too... me.

Mm.

Two badges, one mind.

Shh.
Post Reply