06x02 - The Coming-Out Party

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat theme music)

- Why are you dusting
outside Mrs. Douglas?

- Well Lori, there's an
old Hungarian saying,

"A house isn't clean unless
it's inside and outside".

- What does that mean?

- You never ask what a
Hungarian saying means,

you just do it.

- Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

Where's Mr. Douglas?

- He's taking a shower.

- I've gotta show him
something in the paper!

Mr. Douglas!

- What is it?

- Look what's in the
Hooterville World Guardian

Read it!

- How can I read it you...

Who turned the shower off?

- I did.

- Why did you do that?

- You can't read the paper
with the shower running.

- I don't wanna.
- I'll read it to ya.

Just a second.

Listen to this.

It's all about little Lori and
how come she's living here.

"Lori Baker, heir to
the Baker millions,

escaped from her captors
last week and made her way

through Simpson Swamp to
the home of the Douglases.

When the mafia came to take
her away, Mr. Douglas refused

to give her up so they sh*t him!

- Will you turn the
water on please?

- I want to hear the rest of it.

- Mr. Douglas was on
the critical list until little Lori

donated four quarts of
her blood to save his life,

and in gratitude the
Douglases have adopted her.

- So that's how she got here.

- Who wrote that story?

- Mr. Drucker, from
the facts I gave him.

- I should have known,
it's a bunch of nonsense.

- You mean that isn't
the way it happened?

- You know as well as I
do that Lori came out here

with three other
children from the city,

it came time to go home,
she slipped off the train,

we agreed to let her stay
another couple of weeks.

- Yeah, well that may be
the way it really happened

but who would wanna
read a dull story like that

in the shower?

(upbeat theme music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New york is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

(upbeat theme music)

- Now watch carefully.

First comes the
executive producer.

(upbeat theme music)

I don't know why he comes first.

He must be a
relative or something.

Now comes the written bys.

(upbeat theme music)

They're number two, so
they have to try harder.

Now comes the
most important one,

directed by.

(upbeat theme music)

- What are you two looking at?

- Mrs. Douglas was
showing me the names.

- What names?

- The ones we
see once in a while.

- Lisa, I don't...

- Well I thought as
long as Lori's living here

she aught to know what they are.

- I live here, I don't
know what they are.

- Oh, where are you going?

- You know, expecting
my seed corn.

I've gotta get 30 acres
plowed by the end of the week.

- Can I help you?

- Uh, no thank you
Lori, this is a little rough.

Thank you anyway.

- Oliver!

Oliver!

Oliver, if Lori can't help
you today, what can she do?

- I don't know,

let her play with some of
the children around here.

- Well she doesn't
know any of them.

- Well introduce her.

- That's a wonderful idea!

I'll give a party for
the kids to meet her.

- Fine.

- And may I have $700 please?

- What for?

- The hors d'oeuvres,
the band and the waiters.

- Oh Lisa, just giver
her a little simple party.

Some cake, ice
cream, some lemonade.

Here, $10.

- A cheapskate party.

- Yeah, a cheapskate party.

- Well what are the kids
going to do at the party

if they don't have
a band to dance to?

- Honey, they'll
find something to do.

Just keep it simple.

- That's what you want her
to have, a simple $10 party.

- Right.

- Well, there goes the
last of the big spenders.

Now, what kind of a party
would you like to have?

- I don't know but didn't
Mr. Douglas say to keep it simple?

- We can do that.

We can have a
simple costume party,

or a simple theater party,
or a simple yachting party.

- I've never been on a
yacht, what do you do?

- You spend most of your
time running around on the deck

trying to get away from
the fellow who invited you.

- That doesn't
sound like much fun.

- Depends on who is chasing you.

- Oh.

- This is your party,

so you pick out the
kind you would like.

- I don't know, I
never had party before.

- Not even on your birthday?

- No.

My aunt was going to
take me to the circus once,

but she couldn't afford it.

- Would you like a circus party?

- That would be sensational!

- Okay!

Then we'll have a
simple circus party.

- It's no use.

- Aww, of all the times for
this thing to break down,

just when we need it.

- You aught to buy a new one.

- Do you know how much
a new tractor would cost?

- Well, it seems to me if you
can afford to buy an elephant

you can afford to buy a tractor.

- Uh huh, what are
you talking about, huh?

What, what?

(elephant trumpeting)

Where did this come from?

- Originally from India.

Hey nay.

It was owned by
His Royal Highness,

the Marijuana of Rinkatoupu.

That's a small town
in downtown India.

- Rinkatoupu?

- Now this here is
a sacred elephant.

- Golly!

I've never seen
one up close before.

(elephant trumpeting)

- Eb, please don't
look at the elephant.

- Why not?

- According to local
superstition, any commoner who

looks at it will have
his nose fall off.

- Aw, of all the...

- He's right, my nose is lose!

- Go on in the house
and glue it back on.

- Sorry to be so
unfriendly to the boy,

but the only ones who may
gaze upon the sacred elephant

are royalty, World
w*r II veterans,

and anybody who
rents him for $300 a day.

- I don't want an elephant.

(elephant trumpeting)

- But your wife ordered
him for the circus party

she's having for the children.

- If she ordered
it let her pay for it.

- Well she offered to but
she didn't have any "rajmas".

That's the local
currency in Rinkatoupu.

- I don't have any rajmas.

- Well, you just give
me your check for $300

American money and I'll
have it converted at the bank.

- Uh huh.

Goodbye Mr. Haney.

- But Mr. Douglas...
- Out!

- Alright, but you better
never go to Rinkatoupu.

I don't think you're gonna
get a very warm welcome.

- Lisa?

- Just sit still till
all the glue dries.

- The glue?

- I'm helping Eb's nose.

- With his...
- Well it's a little loose,

but I don't think
it's going to fall off.

- Golly, so... (sneezing)

- It didn't bounce
out here did it?

- No I don't think so.

Maybe it's under the stove.

- Of all the...

- How did you like the elephant?

- Oh I didn't.

I told Haney to take him away.

- Why?

- He's too expensive.

- Well it was only
70,000 rajmas.

- I don't care.

- I found it!

- Where?

- It was in the Jell-O.

- You're gonna lose it
for good in just about...

- Oliver, how can
Lori have a circus party

without an elephant?

- Lisa I told you, just
have a simple party.

We don't need elephants.

- But Lori wanted one.

- Lisa, I got enough problems.

The tractor broke down
and I've gotta get it a director

to see if I can get a
part to fix it in a hurry.

- But what about Lori's party?

- Well have it but
make it a plain party.

- Oh!

(upbeat theme music)

- Why hello Mr. Drucker.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

- I wonder if you could...

- Say, before I forget
I wonder if you'd mind

taking this home to the
missus for her approval.

- What is it?

- It's the invitation
she wanted,

it's a sample of it, for
Lori's coming out party.

- Coming out?

- Mrs. Douglas wanted some
real fancy engraving done

so I'm gonna have to take
'em up to a printer in Pixley.

Its gonna cost you
about 60 rajmas a piece.

- 60...

- By the way, did
you rent the elephant?

- No, I didn't.

We're not having
a big fancy party.

- Seems to me that's
the least you could do

for a little girl that
saved your life

by giving you four
quarts of blood.

- She didn't give...

Look, Eb made
up that stupid story.

I'm surprised you didn't
check it before you printed it.

- Wasn't any of it true?

- No.

- Well, you gotta admit it makes
good reading in the shower.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I got the bill of
lading for your seed corn,

it should be here
in two or three days.

- Oh, is there any
way you can tell them

to hold up the delivery?

My tractor's broken, I
can't start plowing unless

you can order me a part in time.

- What part do you need?

- Oh, it's that little
do-hickey that fits

into the whatcha-ma-call-it.

- Let me get a catalog.

- Uh huh.

- What kind of tractor
was that again?

- A Hoyt-Clagwell.

- A Hoyt-Clagwell (laughs).

- What's so funny?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh, come.

- Let's see now.

Oh, here we are.

Here we, oh no,
that's a thing-a-ma-bob.

You needed a
do-hickey didn't ya?

- Yeah, it's...
- Here it is.

Did you want the large
do-hickey or the small one?

- Oh, small one.

- They don't make those anymore.

- Well maybe I can scavenge
one from another tractor.

Anybody else around
here own a Hoyt-Clagwell?

- No, folks around here
are pretty level headed.

- How am I gonna
get the tractor running?

- Well maybe I could
have Hammering Hannah

make a do-hickey for you.

- Who's Hammering Hannah?

- She's the blacksmith
over in Pixley.

Her husband's a dentist.

She hand-forges all the
braces for his patients.

- Ah look, Mr. Drucker,
I'm in a spot.

Will you see if she'll
make me the part?

- Yes sir.

What about the invitations?

- Oh, forget 'em.

We're just gonna
have a plain party.

(upbeat theme music)

Lisa!

- Mr. Douglas thank you,
thank you for the plane party!

Mr. Haney's gonna
give us each a ride in it.

- For only $8 a piece, each
little nipper will be taken up

for an immelmann, an outside
roll and a brief wing walk.

- Mr. Haney, get
this outta here!

- Oliver, I don't see
why you're so mad.

You were the one that
said have a plane party.

- Well I wasn't talking
about a plane plane,

I was talking
about a plain plain.

- Well if you just get in
in, I'll be glad to take you

for a ride ride in
my plane plane.

- Mr. Haney, I'm gonna
sh**t you down in flames.

- Can't we have
it for the party?

- No!

- But Oliver!

- You've got to admit,
the price is very nominal.

Especially in a plane
that was personally piloted

by Baron von Richthofen.

- Mr. Haney, (shouts
in foreign language).

- Oh Oliver, don't
you want little Lori

to have a good time?

- I'm not going
to rent that thing!

- Oh, Oliver!

- But Mr. Douglas, I've
never had a plane ride before.

- Oh, you couldn't
go up in that.

You'd never get
that off the ground,

that's nothing but an old...

(engine rumbles)

- I thought you
said it couldn't fly?

- That's what he told
the Wright Brothers,

it's a good thing they
didn't listen to him.

(upbeat theme music)

Well, you canceled the
elephant, you canceled the plane,

you canceled the invitations,
you're a real party pooper.

- Lisa, believe me the kids
will have just as much fun

eating ice cream and cake
and playing a few games.

- Oliver, Lori never
had a party before.

We should make it
something she can remember.

- Lisa, will you please
stop bothering me.

If I don't get this
tractor running,

I wont be able to do my plowing.

- Just like a father,
always too busy

to worry about their
children's problems.

- I'm not her father!

- That's the only good thing
that happened to the child

since she got here.

- Goodbye Lisa.

- Oh, I have one
more suggestion.

How about a rock
festival for the children?

- A rock festival?

- Yes.

They can all get rocks
and throw them at you.

(metal clang)

(upbeat theme music)

(humming)

- Oh, Mr. Kimball.

- Who?

Oh, yes.

Hello Mr. Douglas.

Can I be of any assistance?

- No thanks.

(humming)

- Mr. Kimball, would you
mind not humming in my ear?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

(whistling)

- Mr. Kimball, I'm
trying to fix this thing.

- Well what seems
to be wrong with it?

- A piece broke off.

- Oh.

What kind of a tractor is this?

- It's a Hoyt-Clagwell.

- Hoyt-Clagwell?

(laughs)

- What's so funny?

- Oh its nothing, it's
a Hoyt-Clagwell huh?

(laughs)

- Well Mr. Kimball, isn't there
anybody else you can annoy?

- Yeah, I guess I could
go over an annoy...

No, I annoyed him yesterday.

Uh, maybe I could...

No, I have an appointment
to annoy him next week.

I guess it's your turn today.

- Goodbye My. Kimball!

- Oh, goodbye Mr. Douglas.

- This is probably why
you can't get it started.

(horn blaring)

(expl*si*n)

(engin rumbling)

(expl*si*n)

(horn blaring)

(upbeat theme music)

- What?

You couldn't get
the part anywhere?

Well, alright I'll come
in and pick up the seed.

Thanks for calling Mr. Drucker.

- Oliver, guess what?

What's the matter?

- Oh, nothing.

- Well then why do you
look so discoxorated?

- Because I am
discus, disgusted.

Mr. Drucker can't get
the part for the tractor

and the seed corn's
arrived, what am I gonna do?

- Maybe you'll feel better if
I give you some good news.

- Well I could stand some.

- Well, Lori and I talked
it over and we decided

we're going to give a
simple party just like you said.

With ice cream, and cake, and
lemonade and we play games.

- Good.

- Does that make you happy?

- That makes me happy, yeah.

- May I have $900 please?

- What for?

- To buy the party dresses!

Lori doesn't have a thing
to wear and neither do I,

so I thought we'd go to
New York and buy them.

- Lisa!

- Mother and daughter
outfits, won't that look cute?

- Yes.

- Well, may I have the money?

- Yes, here.

Here's $10.

Now you go over to
Pixley's at the Emporium

and you pick up
something off the rack.

- Well, it might be alright
for you to wear dresses

off the rack, but it
isn't alright for us.

- Lisa, don't you realize I
have a very serious problem.

- So do we.

- You work on your
problem and I'll work on mine.

Now I've gotta
go into Drucker's.

Where's Eb?

- He took Lori for a walk.

(birds chirping)

- What kind of bird is that Eb?

- Oh, that's a double-breasted
Tennessee Muskalark.

- Looks like a sparrow to me.

- Well, you see a lot of sparrows
masquerade as muskalarks.

It gives 'em status.

(birds chirping)

- You sure know
a lot about nature.

- Well, that's 'cause
I was born on a farm.

- Where?

- Under a cabbage.

- A cabbage?

- Yeah, that's where
the stork left me.

- Storks don't bring babies.

- They did in the old days,

before the airplane
was invented.

- Are you sure?

- Well, I'm here aren't I?

- Eb, you're teasing me.

- Well...
- You're fun.

I wish I had a brother like you.

- You know, maybe if I
could get the Douglases

to adopt me then
I could adopt you.

- Do you think they would?

- She might, but he wouldn't
if it cost more than $10.

- [Mr. Douglas] Eb, Eb!

- Is that Mr. Douglas?

- No, that's a
red-beaked parrot.

There's one around here that
does a great imitation of him.

Why does Lori ever
have to go back?

- Oh because.

- I know, because
you hate children.

You hate 'em, you hate 'em!

- Oh I do not.

- You hate me.

- That's easy.

- You could adopt her.

- Eb, she just came
here for a vacation.

She's got an aunt
back in New York.

- Maybe you could
adopt the aunt.

- Just unload the sacks.

- What's the hurry?

You can't plant anything
without the tractor.

- I'm gonna try to rent one.

- Oliver!

Oliver, I have to talk to you.

- Honey, I'm busy.

- But it's important.

- Whatever it is, here's $10.

- Thank you.

Now, what I wanted to
ask you is if you would

pick up the ice cream and
the cake tomorrow morning.

- Lisa, if you worried as
much about my plowing

as you do about that party...

- Oh, will you do it please?

- I just told Eb I've
gotta hunt for a tractor.

- Ill pick up the party
stuff Mrs. Douglas.

- Thank you!

Give him $10.

- I just gave you $10.

- I already deposited that.

(rooster crowing)

(pig grunting)

- Will you get outta here.

- Why, what did I do now?

- I'm talking to Arnold.

- Oh, hello there Arnold.

- What's he doing here?

- He's invited to the party.

- Well he's a little early.

And why is he wearing
that dumb Red Baron outfit?

- Oh I forgot to tell him the
plane party was canceled.

(pig grunting)

No, we're not having
the elephant either.

- How do you know what...

- Is anything wrong?

I heard a noise
and I... What's that?

- Oh that's Arnold Ziffel.

He's one of the kids
that I invited to your party.

- He's not a kid, he's a pig.

(pig grunting)

- Now you hurt his feelings.

- Good.

- I'm pleased to
meet you Arnold.

I've heard a lot about you.

(pig grunting)

Thank you, I think
you're cute too.

I'm glad you're
coming to my party.

(pig grunting)

No, it's not a birthday party.

- How come everybody can
understand him except me?

- Because you never
listen to what he says.

- If you'll excuse me.

- Where are you going?

- I'm gonna take a
shower and get dressed,

and start hunting for a tractor.

- Will you be back
in time for my party?

- I'll do my best.

- While you're showering
I'll start breakfast.

What would you like to have?

(pig grunting)

- She's talking to me.

- What do you want?

- Ham and eggs.

- We don't have any ham.

- We could have.

(pig squealing)

There's a pig
that's all chicken.

(upbeat theme music)

- Hello dear.

- Hi.

- You blew the whole party.

- But we saved you
some ice cream and cake.

- Oh, thank you.

- Doesn't Lori look pretty?

- Oh yes, yes.

- We had a great time.

We played all kinds of games.

Pin the tale on the
donkey, a potato race.

- The one the
children liked the best

was the scavenger hunt.

- Mm-hm (affirmative).

I wish I could have been
here but I spent the whole day

trying to rent a tractor,
nobody would rent me one.

- Well I wouldn't
worry about that.

- Well maybe you
wouldn't but I have to.

If I don't get this
acreage plowed this week

it'll be too late to plant.

(tractor rumbling)

- Well, it's about
time you got back.

I've already plowed three acres.

- How did you get
the tractor running?

- We put a new do-hickey in it.

- Where did you get it?

- One of the kids found
it on the scavenger hunt.

- Eb showed us what
the part looked like,

and we all went
out and looked at it,

and one of the kids
came back with it.

He won first prize.

- Which was $10.

I know that's your
favorite amount.

- Goodnight Lori.

- Goodnight Mr. Douglas.

- Goodnight sweetheart.

- Thanks again for the party,

it's the nicest thing that
ever happened to me.

- Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Sleep tight.

- Lisa.

- What?

- Whose idea was
the scavenger hunt?

- Mine.

- Ah huh.

You know, sometimes
I don't appreciate you.

- Most of the time.

- Well I think you don't
care anything about the farm

and then you do
something like that.

- Like what?

- Like figuring out a way to
get the part for the tractor.

- I'm a good kid.

- Yes you are.

- Of course, I don't have
to be good all the time.

- Oh?

(pig grunting)

Didn't anybody ever
tell you to knock?

(pig grunting)

- He wants his $10.

- $10?

- Yes, he's the one
that found the do-hickey.

- Oh, oh.

Hey I don't have any change,

I'll give it to you
in the morning.

(pig grunting)

- He says, in that case
he'll sleep here tonight.

(pig grunting)

(laughing)

(upbeat theme music)