06x04 - A Royal Love Story

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

- Ooh there we are.

All right you stay here
now, be nice and warm.

- What do you
suggest Mr. Drucker?

- How about a
can of chili beans?

- No thank you Mr. Drucker,
it certainly is difficult

trying to find something
good to cook for dinner.

- Yeah especially
if you can't cook.

- That was pretty good.

He waited until 10:30
to say something nasty.

(audience laughs)

- Well if you're looking
for something simple,

how about a dehydrated chicken?

- A dehydrated...

- All you have to do is
add water, some bones,

and let it set and
in a couple hours

you got a reconstituted chicken.

(audience laughs)

- That's the most ridiculous...

- Maybe Lori has a suggestion.

- How about some jellybeans?

- For dinner?

- Well that sounds better
than anything we've had lately.

- 10:33 and he's
still going strong.

(audience laughs)

- Say, I just thought
of something.

(sneezes)

Bless you.

- Lori, you've been
sneezing all morning.

Do you have a cold?

- My nose feels ticklish.

- I think you have a fever,
stick your tongue out.

- Well I got something
here for colds and fever

that all the mothers around
here have been using for years.

Sudwell Sam, see all you
gotta do is rub some on your...

Oh no this is for
cleaning stoves.

(audience laughs)

(sneezes)

Bless you.

Ah here we are, Dirken's
Elixir of unshelled pistachio nuts.

(audience laughs)

- Unshelled pistachio...

- I used to take
that all the time

when I was a little
girl in Hungary.

- Well that accounts
for a lot of things.

(audience laughs)

- Oh this is great stuff.

It cures Finkwell's itch,
Hellman's inflammation.

We had a lot of that
around here at one time.

(audience laughs)

Barstow's blight as well as
colds when accompanied by fever.

- Yeah thanks
Mr. Drucker but... (sneezes)

- Oh, Oliver I think we better

take Lori home
and get the doctor.

- Well you ask doc what
this elixir did for his toe.

- What?

- Broke it.

- Broke it?

- He dropped the bottle on it.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ No New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oliver, where is the doctor?

- He just left.

- Well what did
he say about Lori?

- He said...
- Oh wait a second.

I don't want her to hear it.

Now then darling
what did he say?

- Oh he said...
- Tell me the truth.

- Yeah he said...
- Don't spare me.

- He said...
- I want to know everything

no matter how bad it is.

- I'm sorry the
doctor couldn't wait.

He could have given
you a sh*t of something.

- Why, is what she has catching?

- No, all she has
is a little virus.

Nothing to it.

- Is that what the doctor said?

- Yes.

- What does he know?

(audience laughs)

- Well he knows a lot
more about it than you do.

- I think we ought to
get a Hungarian doctor.

They worry more.

(audience laughs)

- Look, one worrying Hungarian
in the house is enough.

(Lori sneezes)

- How can you be so
calm when your daughter

is lying in there
in a bed of pain?

- [Oscar] She's not my daughter
and she's not in any pain.

(Lori sneezes)

- Pains are coming
closer together.

- I'll see you later.
- Where are you going?

- Dr. Pixler to get
this prescription filled.

- Where did you get that?

- The doctor gave it to me.

- Some doctor, Lori is sick

and he gives you
the prescription!

(audience laughs)

- Bye.

- When will you be back?

- When the bar closes.

(audience laughs)

- Now watch closely, I wrap
the watch in this handkerchief.

Now, put it on the floor.

(glass tinkles)

Okay, now what
does that feel like?

- A broken watch.

- Correct, but not for long.

Now say the magic words.

Alakazam, alakazoo, the
watch is together as good as new.

(audience laughs)

- What's that?

- It's a broken watch that I
found on your nightstand!

- That's my good, you silly...

- He was just doing
some magic tricks for me.

I'm getting tired
of just lying here.

- Say, I know another trick.

Have you got a match
and a 10 dollar bill?

(audience laughs)

- Will you...
- Here is some orange juice.

- Thank you.

- Are you feeling better?

- Yes ma'am.

- Well you better get to sleep.

- You promised
to tell me a story.

- What would you like to
hear, Jack and the Bean Bag

or Little Fred Riding Hood?

- Little Fred...

- You said you'd tell me
about your father, the king.

- Take my advice
and let her tell you

about Jack and the Bean Bag.

(audience laughs)

- I'd rather hear about
Mrs. Douglas's king father.

- Well he was never a...

- Well if that's what
everybody wants.

Once upon a time
in Hungary there was

a beautiful young
princess named Lisa.

- This really is
gonna be a fairy tale.

(audience laughs)

- Don't tread on the royal toes.

(audience laughs)

Princess Lisa, as I was
known in those days,

lived in the royal palace
with my father the king.

Everything was going along
pretty good in the kingdom.

Taxes were higher,
beheadings were up,

and the jails were full.

There was real prosperity.

(audience laughs)

- That was a very
good story now...

- Sit down, I'm not finished.

- I was afraid of that.

(audience laughs)

- One day tragedy struck.

The bad guys crossed the
border and they att*cked the palace

and my father and
I were forced to flee

and in those days the only
place to flee was to Paris.

- Yes, Paris was always
the best place for fleas.

(audience laughs)

- I wish you'd be quiet,
you're spoiling the whole mood!

- If I hadn't fled
to Paris, you and I

never would have
met and got married.

- Is that where it happened?

- I don't know,
every time she tells it

it's a different place.

(audience laughs)

- It was Paris!

I remember my father and
I were living in a little attic

in Montmartre and
we were starving.

(upbeat music)

I am home your majesty.

- Lisa, you don't have to
call me majesty anymore.

Now that I've lost the throne,
I'm just your plain father.

- Yes sir, what are you
cooking plain father?

(audience laughs)

- Pigeon stew.

- Well where did
you get the pigeon?

- I was sitting here on the
balcony and this little bird...

- That wasn't Herman,
the pigeon that comes by

every morning and
brings us bread crumbs?

- No, I bought this one.

It's dehydrated pigeon.

All you do is add
water and bones

and let it sit and there you
are, reconstituted pigeon.

(audience laughs)

- Where did you get
the money to buy it?

- I hocked my earrings.

That's all I had left.

- What about your king crown?

- I had to give that to
the landlady for the rent.

- Not the gold one
with the diamonds

and the rubies and the emeralds!

- Yes, we are set here
for three more days.

(audience laughs)

- Why didn't you tell me?

We could have hocked my ring.

- Lisa, you must
never part with that.

It's the only proof you got
that you are the princess.

- But I'm not the
princess anymore.

- But you will be,
as soon as I can

raise an army and
retake the throne.

- Oh what are we going to
live on in the meanwhile?

- There is only one
thing to do, get a job.

- But father!

- I'll set the alarm
clock so that

you can get up early
and start looking.

(audience laughs)

- [Lisa] I found an ad in
the paper that they were

auditioning dancers
at the Moulin Rouge

so I went there to apply.

- Ah, merci beaucoup, next!

What's your name?

- Princess Graunit.

- We don't need any strippers.

- What is a stripper?

- Have you had any
experience dancing?

- Well I've seen all the
Fred Astaire movies.

- Look...

- And I can do a very good
imitation of Ginger Rogers,

would you like to see some?

(audience laughs)

- Can you can can?

- No but I can try try!

(audience laughs)

- Next, next.

- But but...
- Out out!

- But you could try try,
that's what you said to him?

- I thought that
was pretty clever.

- The fellow was looking
for dancers, not comedians.

- The fellow was pretty fresh,
he wanted to see my legs.

- And why didn't you
show them to him?

- I was ashamed to, I
had a run in my stocking.

- You're not wearing stockings.

- Well then what is this?

- That's the scar you
got when you fell down

doing your imitation
of Ginger Rogers.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, well don't worry father.

I'll get a job.

- I'll set the alarm.

(upbeat music)

- Did you get a job?

- For a while, I
made a few francs

posing for an artist who
couldn't afford a bowl of fruit.

Then I had to quit
because he wanted me

to pose in the N-O-O-D.

- What's that?

- Nude.

- Leave it to you to teach
the child words like that!

(audience laughs)

- I didn't.

- Where did you first
meet Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah where did I meet you?

- You don't remember?

- Not this version.

(audience laughs)

- I met you when I finally
got a job as a waitress

in a little sidewalk cafe
on the Champs-Elysees.

(upbeat music)

- [Man] Will you hold it please?

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

That'll be 50 francs please.

- For what?

- Posing for the picture.

- Oh, just a snapshot.

You see, I'm a tourist.

- Are you Japanese?

- No.

- Then why are you
carrying all those cameras?

(audience laughs)

- I'm an American.

- Then why are you
speaking English?

(audience laughs)

- Well that's what
Americans speak.

- Don't they have a
language of their own?

(audience laughs)

- Of course they do.

- Then let's hear you
say something in it.

- Uhh.

- That's a nice
sounding language.

(audience laughs)

Would you like to sit down?

- Yes, thank you.

- That'll be 35 francs.

- For what?

- Chair charge.

- Chair ch...

- We used to have
a cover charge,

but we don't have
any more covers.

(audience laughs)

- Well okay, put it on my bill.

I'd like a drink, beer?

- A bottle of champagne.

- No I don't want...
(audience laughs)

- There you are.

- I said beer.

- I'm sorry, I don't
understand American.

The only word I know is uhh.

- I don't like champagne.

- I'm sorry, once you open
the bottle it can't be returned.

(audience laughs)

- Well, would you like some?

- I'd love some, another
bottle of champagne.

(audience laughs)

- Oh I didn't...

- You didn't have to
order another bottle,

I would have been happy
to share yours with you.

- Well that's what
I had in mind.

- Would you like to see a menu?

- Yes please.

- That'll be 20 francs.

(audience laughs)

- Just to read the menu?

- 20 francs.

- Just get me a
bowl of pretzels.

- What?

- Pretzels!

(audience laughs)

I said pretzels.

- It's hard to understand you
with that Japanese accent.

(audience laughs)

- No I'm not...

- How long have
you been in Paris?

- Oh I just got here this
morning from New York.

- What part of Japan is that in?

(audience laughs)

- I'm not Japanese!

- Well then why are you
carrying all those cameras?

(audience laughs)

- Uhh.

- You speak pretty good
American for a Japanese fellow.

- I'm not...

- Have you seen
anything of Paris?

- Not yet.

- Would you like a guided tour?

- If I could find a good guide.

- Let me go ask in the back.

(upbeat music)

You wanted a guide?

- Oh yes...

You're the waitress.

- Also the only Japanese
speaking guide in the outfit.

(audience laughs)

- I told you I don't...

- Now be sure to wear
this button at all times.

(audience laughs)

So I'll know you're
part of the tour group.

- What tour group,
what does this say?

- How do I know?

I just speak Japanese,
I don't read it.

(audience laughs)

- For the last time...

- Now be sure to follow
this pennant at all times

so that you don't get lost.

- Lost, I'm not going to get...

- Would you like to settle
your bill before we leave?

- Oh yes yes.

- What did you have?

- Three bottles of champagne!

(corks popping)

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

(whistle blows)

- That's the
famous Eiffel Tower.

You're supposed
to be with the tour.

You're not with the tour.

- I am too with the tour.

- Where is your button?

- I must have lost it.

- That will be 40 francs.

- I'm not paying you...

- That is the
famous Eiffel Tower,

built by Sam Powell in 1927...

- Hey that wasn't
built by Sam...

(whistle blows)
- Follow me.

(upbeat music)

That's the Arc de Triomphe.

It was built by the
famous architectural team

of Harry Arc and
Lesley Triomphe.

(whistle blows)

(audience laughs)

- Harry Arc and...

- Oh golly, you know
what that is Mr. Douglas?

That's the Arch de Triumph.

- Eb, what are you doing here?

- I'm enjoying Mrs.
Douglas's story so much,

I imagined I was part of it.

- Get out of here!

(whistle blows) Coming!

(whistle blows)

- How did you like the tour?

- Paris is a beautiful city.

(smooching)

What was that?

- A kiss.

- Oh?

- This is the beau de buloin,

this is where all
the lovers come.

(smooching)

- That sounds like fun.

- It is with the right fella.

- Well do you think that I
might be the right fellow?

- Well we could try and see.

Don't you Japanese fellows
ever take off your cameras?

(audience laughs)

- I am not Japanese.

(upbeat music)

(audience laughs)

- Gee that was romantic.

- Yeah, you Japanese
fellers are fast workers.

- Uh...

- Hey, you haven't forgotten
how to talk American!

- Tell us some
more, Mrs. Douglas.

- Well you really
should be asleep...

- Lisa there isn't one
grain of truth in this story.

I never met you in Paris!

- No, then how come
I imagined I met you

at the Arch de Triumph?

(audience laughs)

- Well you...

- That night after
I kissed Oliver,

I went back to our little attic.

My father wasn't home yet.

I was glad to be alone so I
could think about Oliver when...

- Lisa, Lisa!

Bonsoir.

- Bonsoir Toulouse.

(audience laughs)

How's the painting coming?

- Magnifique, I just
finished the bathroom,

now I am going to start
with the living room.

(audience laughs)

- Bon chance.

(upbeat music)

Papa, where have you been?

- Minding my friend's
chestnut stand.

(audience laughs)

- Then why are you
wearing your opera suit?

- Because the stand was
outside the opera house.

(audience laughs)

Would you like some chestnuts?

- No thank you.

- I have news for you Lisa.

- And I have news
for you, guess what?

- My news first, I'm the king.

- I thought you were
out of the king business.

- Guess who bought
some chestnuts from me?

Baron Freidreiser.

- Oh, how is he?

- He's rich!

He made a lot of money
backing Sam's tower

and he's offered
to finance an army

and help me retake the palace.

- That's wonderful, you'll
be back on the throne again.

- Yes, now what's
your news daughter?

- I met this wonderful
man, he's in love with me

and he wants me to marry him.

- Well, that's going to
put glue in the goulash.

(audience laughs)

- What do you mean?

- The baron's offer
came with an if tied to it.

He'll give me the
money if you marry him.

- But Papa, I love Oliver!

- Who's Oliver?

- He's the fella I
was telling you about.

- Does he have enough money
to finance an army for me?

- Well I don't know but I
think he must be very rich.

When he came into
the cafe this morning,

he bought six bottles of
champagne, just like that.

- Six bottles in the morning?

He must be rich.

(audience laughs)

Why don't you bring him
around and let me talk to him?

- Lisa!
- Oliver!

- Oh we had a wonderful
day yesterday didn't we?

- Yes we did.

- Remember, do you
remember last night

on that bench in the park?

- Yes.

- How do you feel this morning?

- I feel all bubbly like
a bottle of champagne.

(cork pops)

(audience laughs)

- I didn't order any...

- Oliver, my father wants to
talk to you about our marriage.

- Marriage?

Why I never asked you
to marriage, to marry me.

- Wouldn't you like to?

- Well I really haven't
given it that much,

I don't even know if I love you.

- Well I love you.

You're the only man that
ever made my pennant droop.

- What, you, what are you doing?

- Taking off your camera.

- What are you take, oh.

(upbeat music)

(cork pops)

- This one is on the house.

Papa, this is Oliver Douglas.

- How do you do?

He doesn't look Japanese.

(audience laughs)

I understand that you
want to marry the princess.

- Oh no sir, I want to
marry your daughter.

- I am the princess.

- What?

- You want to kiss my ring?

- No.

- And this is my father,
the king of Hungary.

- I understand you want
to marry my daughter.

- That's right.

- Do you have any money?

- I did have, but I spent most
of it on champagne and film.

- Have you got enough
left to finance a retake?

- A retake?

- An overthrow.

- An overthrow?

- He's not too smart.

- Well you see Oliver, my
father was thrown off the throne

and he needs somebody
to get rid of the bad guys.

- Oh, now I get it.

This is some kind of a con
game you two are playing

with a phony story
about needing money.

- You can't talk
like that to the king!

- King ha!

- No, king Ha was
before my father.

(audience laughs)

- Oh for...

- No Ofor was
the prime minister.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not interested,
of all the gall

making believe you love me
just to get money out of me.

I am through, you find
some other sucker to bilk.

- Oliver, Oliver!

- Let him go.

- But Papa!

- I'll call the baron and tell
him that you'll marry him.

- But I don't love the baron.

- Royalty can't afford love.

- You married Mama for love.

- Yes, I loved the
dowry that came with her.

(audience laughs)

- But Papa.

- Lisa, when you are a
princess your duty to your country

and the king comes first.

- Yes, but...

- I'm sorry, but that's the
way the blue blood bleeds.

(audience laughs)

You are going to
marry the baron,

and that's an order.

- Yes your majesty.

(somber music)

- She really was a princess.

(smooching)

How could I have doubted her?

I loved her.

(smooching)

Oh Lisa, Lisa.

(smooching)

Hey could you go
somewhere else and do that?

(audience laughs)

(whistle blows)

Lisa!

- Well are you just
going to sit there

or are you going
to join the tour?

- The tour?

But I thought you were
going to marry the baron.

- I couldn't go through with it.

I wasn't in love with him.

- Oh Lisa.

- Oh there is plenty
time for that kind of stuff.

Well are you going to
join the tour or aren't you?

- Where are we going?

- To the city hall.

- What are we going there for?

- My father was right,
you're not very bright.

They perform
marriage ceremonies.

- Oh.

Oh?

- Follow me.
- Just a minute.

If we're going to get married,
let's get something straight.

From now on, I'm the leader.

(audience laughs)

(whistle blows) Follow me.

(upbeat music)

- So the beautiful princess
married the commoner

and they both lived
happily ever after.

Except the princess.

- Golly, what a romantic story!

- Is that the way it
really happened?

- Exactly.

- How is it I don't
remember any of that?

- Because you were always
stoned on champagne.

(audience laughs)

- There wasn't any
champagne or pennants or tours.

- What happened to
your father, the king?

- That's another story.

- Let's hear it!

- No no not tonight,
Lori has to sleep.

- Oh, goodnight Lori.

Hope you feel better.

- I do already.

- Goodnight Lori.

- Goodnight princess.

- Princess.

All right now where do we sleep?

- We can fix up
a bed in the barn.

- Fine.

- Follow the leader.

- Where did that come from?

- I wonder if you can still
make my pennant droop.

(audience laughs)

- Well not without a
bottle of champagne.

(cork pops) (audience laughs)

Where did this come from?

- Follow me. (whistle blows)

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.