06x06 - The Great Mayoralty Campaign

[bunniefuu]

(Sprightly theme)

- No.
- But Sam...

- No, I... Haney get your
hand outta the pickle barrel.

- But Sam, you're the only...

- I'm not gonna do it.

Haney, get away
from those apples.

I been mayor of this town for

37 years, and I don't
wanna be mayor again.

- But Sam you...
- No thanks.

It's a miserable job.

It don't pay nothing and...

Haney get outta the jellybeans.

Practically costs me
money to be mayor.

I had to buy me a frock
coat, a high hat and...

Haney get your hand
outta the cash register.

And besides the
expense, I had to

close up my store for all those

silly civic functions and...

Where are you going
with that shovel, Haney?

- But Sam, you gotta reconsider.

- No sir, I'm through.

Find yourself some other
boob to run for mayor.

- But where are we gonna
find another boob like you?

- Good morning, gentlemen.

- [All] Good morning Mr. Mayor.

(sprightly theme)

♪ Green Acres
is the place to be,

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me,

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide,

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside,

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay,

♪ I get allergic smelling hay,

♪ I just adore a penthouse view,

♪ Darling I love you,
but give me Park Avenue,

♪ The chores.

♪ The stores, ♪ Fresh
air, ♪ Times Square,

♪ You are my wife,
♪ Goodbye city life,

♪ Green Acres we are there.

- Lisa.

- May I help you sir?

- Oh, it's you.

- I didn't recognize ya.
You're not staggerin'.

- Look, have you
seen Mrs. Douglas?

- Oh, she said she'd
be back in a little while.

- Oh, when did she leave?

- Last Tuesday.

- Were'd she go?

I've got some
great news for her.

They're gonna run me
for the mayor of Hooterville.

- Gol-lee, my Dad the mayor.

- I'm not your...

- We'll be wealthy from
all the graft and corruption.

- Eb!

- You can fix all my
traffic tickets for me.

- Eb!

- Bus me to whatever
school I wanna go to.

Get me my own liquor license.

- Eb, will you simmer
down and tell me

where Mrs. Douglas went.

- Whatta you care?

Now that you're
gonna be the mayor,

you can have all
the women you want.

- Where did she go?

- Ralph picked her up.

They were going to
some kinda meeting

over at the Ziffel's.

- Doris, are you sure
Sam's gonna run again?

- Yeah, Fred went to the
store to renominate him.

- Mr. Drucker is
a very nice man.

- He's an old fogey.

He's been mayor for 37 years,

and the only thing
he's ever done

for Hooterville is
to get the direction

of our one-way street changed.

- But he's a very nice man.

- There's no room
for nice men in politics.

We need somebody
more progressive.

- How about my husband?

- Why do we need a man?

Why don't we run a woman?

- Now you're talking Ralph.

'Course that's nothing new.

You're always talking.

- Doris, I don't have
to take that kind of...

- Now girls, please,
please don't fight.

- Mrs. Douglas is right.

If I'm gonna run for mayor,

I'm gonna need all the
cooperation I can get.

- Who said you were gonna run?

- Well, we said we're
gonna run a woman.

- Yeah, but you're
not even close.

- Doris...
- Ladies, ladies...

- Well, why should she run?

Why can't I be the candidate?

- If we wanna an old fogey,

we might just as well keep Sam.

- Ralph, I'm gonna belt you.

- Please!

Now I agree we
should run a woman.

But if we're going to
fight among ourselves,

we're never going
to get anywhere.

- Mrs. Douglas is right.

She's the only one
that's got any sense.

- Then let's run her.
- Me?

- It's about time we struck
a blow for womanhood.

- Yeah, for years
they've kept women

out of town politics.

Do you realize
they don't even have

a ladies' restroom
at the city hall?

- If you become mayor,
you could help us women.

- Yeah, we wouldn't have to walk

to the gas station anymore.

- Whattaya say?

- Well, it's a big
responsibility.

- We need you.

- All right. I accept
the denomination.

Oliver, Oliver.

Oliver.

- Lisa.

- [Both] I got news for you.

I'm going to run for
mayor of Hooterville.

You're gonna run for
mayor of Hooterville?

That's what I said.

- Hold it.

We're both saying
the same thing,

so I don't know which
one of us is saying it.

- I said, I'm gonna run
for mayor of Hooterville.

- You couldn't have said that,

because that's what I just said.

- [Oliver] You're
going to run for mayor?

Lisa, who nominated you?

- The Women's
Committee to Get Rid of

Old Fogey Sam Drucker,
who's a very nice man.

- Well, Mr. Drucker
isn't gonna run.

They asked me to run.

- Well, I'm very proud of you.

- Thank you, uh,
now that you know

that I'm running,
you can call up

the women and tell
'em you're withdrawing.

- Why would I want to do that?

- Well, Lisa, you really don't

stand a chance against me.

- Ohh?

- You really don't think
you could b*at me?

- I don't think it
would be very hard.

- Well, all right.

I accept the challenge.

If you wanna make
a fool of yourself, fine.

But on election night
when the final results

come in I don't
wanna see any tears.

- Like my father used to say,

he who cries last gets
the wet handkerchief.

- May I give you
a word of advice?

Don't use any of
your father's sayings

in your campaign.

There's no sense in
letting everybody know

that you come from
a family of morons.

- Well!

It looks like this campaign is

going to be real schmuck raiser.

(slamming door)

- We gotta work out
some kind of campaign

for you Mr. Douglas.

- It doesn't have
to be too elaborate.

I think the best idea would be

for me to make a few speeches

as to what I'm going
to do when I'm elected.

- Well, what are you gonna do?

- Oh, I'm gonna try to
keep the taxes down.

Cut the town's budget.

- We don't have a budget.

- You don't?

- No, we ain't had one in

the 37 years I been mayor.

- How do you run the town?

- Well, when we get the taxes,

we just put 'em in a box,

and whenever we need money

we take it out of the box.

- You take 'em out...

- When the box is empty,

that's the end
of the fiscal year.

- That's no way to...

- Well, how would you do it?

- Well, I'd get a big, uh...

No, you already have
one of those, so uh...

- Nobody's talking to you Hank.

- Well, he asked me how I'd...

- I was talking to Mr. Douglas.

- Who?
- Mr. Douglas, stupid.

- Well, if
Mr. Douglas is stupid,

why are we running
him for mayor?

- If I'm elected, I
certainly wouldn't

advocate keeping
the taxes in a box.

- Where would you keep 'em?

- In the bank.

- We ain't got a
bank. In Hooterville?

- Well, that's something
I'd like to strive for;

to have our own bank.

- Well, that'd be a good
plank for your platform.

- How 'bout sex?

- I beg your pardon?

- Now, with a
glamorous wife like yours

running against you,
you're gonna have to

come up with something
sexier than a bank.

- That's right.

All your wife has to
do to get the menfolk

to vote for her is to campaign

in one of them fluffy
negligees of hers.

- I got an idea.

Why don't we put
Mr. Douglas in a negligee?

- Ahhh, no, I've seen
him in a negligee.

It don't do a thing to me.

- I never wore...

- Your wife is gonna
be tough to b*at.

I'm glad I ain't
running against her.

- Look, I admit, my
wife is very attractive.

But beauty does
not necessarily mean

anything in politics.

- Yeah, how about Hobert
Herver, Heebert Haver,

Heever Hobart.

- Herbert Hoover.

- Well that's close,
Sam, but that's not it.

- Gentlemen, there are
things this town needs,

and I intend to get out there.

Tell the people about 'em.

- Mr. Douglas, you
can count on us.

But there's just one question

I have about your campaign.

- Yes, what?

- How much shall
I tell the people

that you're paying for votes?

(sprightly theme)

- Don't worry Mrs. Douglas.

With us handling your
campaign, you're a cinch to win.

- Yeah, every woman
in town will vote for ya.

- Well, that's fine, but there
are more men than women.

- Well, it'll be easy to get
the men to vote for you.

All you have to have
is a good platform,

and you wear a short
skirt so they can see it.

- You can't always count on sexy

to get what you want.

- Yeah, I know.

- If I want to get
elected, I have to

show both men and
women that I'm going

to make a better
mayor than my husband.

- Well, from now
on, you better stop

calling him your husband,

and refer to him as
your crooked opponent.

- Oh yeah, from now on
he's your hated enemy.

- Well, good afternoon ladies.

- Hello there crooked opponent.

- She's talking to
you hated enemy.

- Look, I...

- Did you come in to spy
on our campaign plans?

- I'm really not interested
in your campaign plans.

- We're gonna have to find

another place to
hold our meetin'.

- I've got a better idea.

Why don't you get
him to move out?

- Well, why do I
have to do that?

- It doesn't look too
good to have you

living with your opponent.

- I've been living
with Oliver a long time.

- It's just a habit.

You can break it easy.

- Well Ralph, as
far as I'm concerned

there is room in the same house

for politics and connubials.

- Lisa, have you seen...

What are you making?

- Hot chocolate.

Would you like to have some?

- Please.

How do you make that?

- I got 12 bars of chocolate;

put them in the pot;

hotted them up;

hence the name of hot chocolate.

- Lisa, if you're
running for mayor

on your cooking ability,
you'll never make it.

- Oh, please don't politic me.

If you like to connubial
me, that's all right.

- What does that mean?

- I'll show you.

This is a connubial.

- Well, now I know
where they get the saying

politics makes
strange bedfellers.

- You want something?

- I did, but I can't remember.

I'm emotionally
disturbed by the picture

of my father
kissing the girl I love.

- Eb...
- Mrs. Douglas,

this makes a problem for me.

I don't know who
I should vote for.

You or your crooked opponent.

- I am not...

- Eb, I understand how you feel.

And I wouldn't want to
influence you one way or another.

You have to vote
for the one you think

is best for the job.

If you want Mr. Douglas,
you vote for him.

If you want to be chief
of police, you vote for me.

- Lisa, that's unethical.
You can't buy votes.

- Why not?

Mr. Haney says you're paying

five dollars apiece
for your votes.

- That's not true.

- How much are you paying?

- I'm not paying anything.

- I'm glad to hear that.

Because when
I'm chief of police,

I'd hate to have to pull you in.

- You're not going
to be chief of police,

and you're not gonna be mayor.

Now, why don't you do the
sensible thing and withdraw?

- Never.

- Then we'll just have
to fight it out at the polls.

And believe me, you
don't stand a chance.

- Now, the committee
has worked out this list

of places that
you're gonna speak

at tomorrow night.

At 8 o'clock you will address

the Hooterville PTA.

At 8:05; the Elks Club.

At 8:10; the Friends of the

Volunteer Fire Department.

At 8:15...
- Just a minute, just a minute,

that's five minutes per speech.

- Less; you've got to get
from one place to the other.

- That won't give me
time to say anything.

- Now you're gettin' the idea.
- Whaaa?

- Well, we've heard
you speak, and, uh,

we figure you can
put an audience

to sleep in ten minutes.

This way, they'll just
have time to start yawning.

- Gentlemen, I appreciate
your trying to help me,

but I think I can handle
my campaign by myself.

- You took them words right
out of Tom Dewey's mouth.

- What's Tom Dewey...

- We got to change your image.

- To what?

- To something less gruesome.

- Now see here...

- I got just the thing for you.

Since the 18-year-olds
have the vote,

what we've got to
do is youthatize you.

- Euthanize me?

- Now, let's see
how you look in that.

- Whattaya think Fred?

- Looks a little bit
like Patsy Kelly.

- Well, back to your image.

- There's nothing
wrong with my image.

- Here, kiss this.

- What's this?

- That is a model baby.

Kissin' babies is
one of the most

important things a
candidate has to do

if he wants to get elected.

- I am not going
to kiss any babies.

- You sure quote a
lot of Tom Dewey.

- If you two don't
mind, please let

me handle my own
campaign in my own way.

- I don't know about you Fred,

but I'm gonna go out and put
some bets on Mrs. Douglas.

- How about this for the speech?

- It don't look
very PTAish to me.

- How 'bout this one?

It has an air of
honesty about it

with just a touch of sex.

- Yeah, that'd be OK.

- You got your speech ready?

- Yes, I got it all written out.

- Let's hear it.

- Here we are.

Members of the TPA.

- PTA.
- What's that?

- Parent Teachers Association.

- Then what's TPA?

- Maybe she outta
wear this dress

so they won't notice
what she's saying.

- Go on Mrs. Douglas.

- I am here tonight to tell you

what I'm going to do about

the education for your children.

My opponent, who
also happens to be

my husband by marriage,

has said nothing
about education.

But then, what do men
know about children?

You show me a man
who ever had a child,

and I'll show you a woman.

- What does that mean?

- If I am elected,
what am I going to do

about your children's education?

I'll tell you.

And that's what I'm
going to do if I'm elected.

- Bravo!

- Thank you, thank you.

- You better get
dressed Mrs. Douglas.

It wouldn't look
good if you were late.

- I'll start the car.

Why those dirty...
Mrs. Douglas, Doris.

- What's the matter?

- We've been sabotaged.

- Who would do
a thing like that?

- Who do ya think?
Hateful Harry.

= Who?

- Your husband.

- Oh, he wouldn't
do a thing like that.

- Well, one of the
opposition done it.

- This means w*r.

- Yes, I hope you'll vote
for me on election day.

Yeah, nice meeting you.

Hope you'll vote for me.

Hope you'll remember
me on election day.

Yes sir, remember to
vote for me on election day.

You too, I wanna... (joy buzzer)

Ohhhhhhhhh, you miserable...

- Vote for Mrs. Douglas.

She's not a coward.

You know what you're
gonna say to the women.

- Yes, I got the whole
speech mesmerized.

- Good.
- But at least

this time they didn't let the

air out of the tires.

- No, they stole
the steering wheel.

- As farmers, you
know as well as I do

that without water
there can be no farm.

Now, how can we
assure ourselves an

adequate water supply?

The answer is simple.

I propose that the
town of Hooterville

drill a community well.

That way we will
always have water

just by asking for it.

(audience laughs)

- Yes?

(Ralph screams)

- Poll shows Oliver Douglas
leading morality race.

- Morality race? Mayorality.

- I can't understand
how he can be winning.

- It's simple; all
the men are for him,

and all the women
are for Mrs. Douglas.

And there's more men than women.

Not that it's ever
done me any good.

- Well the election's
gettin' closer.

We gotta think of some way to

swing some of them
men's votes over to you.

- Wait a second.
I've got an idea.

- And to paraphrase Mark Twain;

everybody talks about taxes,

but nobody does
anything about them.

If I am elected, I don't
intend to talk about them.

I plan to do
something about them.

(drum beats)

- Lisa!! Come back.

You don't fall for
a trick like that.

- See ya later Mr. Douglas.

- Where you going?

- Oh I just thought
I'd take a little walk.

- [Oliver] Lisa you should
be ashamed of yourself

riding through town like that.

- There must be an
awful lot of horse lovers

among men, because
the Mirror shows

I'm swinging their votes my way.

- Well if you have to stoop
to that kind of tactics...

- If you want to
have equal time,

I'll be happy to lend you
my horse and the wig.

- I don't want the
horse and wig.

- Oliver, now that
you see that I'm ahead,

why don't you give up.

And when I'm
elected I'll see if I

can get you in as vice mayor.

- Vice mayor?

- Yes, like the president has

a vice president;
Spyros Skouras.

- Spyros Skouras?

- Yes, the fellow who
makes those funny watches.

- Oh, that's a Spyro, and he
doesn't make those watches.

And besides, you're
not elected yet.

- Ralph says I will be.

We've got a few more
things up her sleeve.

- It's Ralph.

She's the one who's dreaming
up all these unethical tricks.

- Well then, there's
just one thing to do.

We've got to get rid of her.

- Why don't we
send her a telegram

telling her to report
to Atlantic City.

She's been elected Mr. America.

- She wouldn't fall for...

- Hey, there's one thing she'd

drop anything for;
orange blossoms.

- That's right.

If we could just get
somebody to marry her.

- Who'd wanna marry her?

Wait a second.

Not a second, ten years.

- She's sweet on ya.

- Yeah, all you gotta do is

just marry her, take
her on a honeymoon,

and by the time you get back,

Mr. Douglas will be elected.

- No, I'm not gonna do it.

- You got to. For the party.

- I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna
get married just so

you can have a party.

- I couldn't ask anybody to make

a sacrifice like that.

- Well, he don't
have to marry her.

- I won't have that kind
of talk around my store.

- He meant that he
can just court her;

lead her down the primrose path,

and then dump her
after the election.

- Well, you've certainly sunk

below the level of
inhuman indecency.

- [Oliver] What are
you talking about?

- Having Mr. Kimball
pretend that

he's in love with Ralph,

and that he was
going to marry her

just to keep her from
helping my campaign.

- It's no worse than
some of the things

you've pulled on me.

- Who let the air
out of our tires?

- Who squirted me with water?

- Who stole our steering wheel?

- Who filled my hat
up with hot dough?

- Ohhh, that's what Ralph did

with my hotcakes batter.

- Lisa, I've had enough
of this nonsense.

Government is a
serious business.

It's not a series of
college-boy pranks.

Now, if you wanna
run against me,

do it on an intellectual level.

If that's possible.
- Well!!

- If you can't be
elected on your ability,

then my advice to you is
to withdraw from the race.

- I withdraw all right,
but not from the race,

from our marriage.

- If that's what you
want, good luck.

- Bad riddance to good rubbish.

- Now, tomorrow night,

you're due to speak
at the Elks Club.

- Fine.

- You outta try your
tax speech again.

Not too many
people understood it.

- Fine.

- Mr. Douglas,
are you all right?

- I had a fight with my wife.

- Good, did she
hit you or anything?

- Of course not.

- Oh, too bad.

A lot of elections have
been lost on hittin'.

- I'm sorry to hear you and
the Mrs. had a fallin' out.

- Do you happen to know the name

of the fella she's
runnin' away with?

- She's not running
away with anybody.

- Too bad; that might
cinch the election.

- Gentlemen, my
marriage is more important

to me than any election.

- How do you figger that?

- Therefore, I have decided
to withdraw from the race.

- But Mr. Douglas...
- That's my decision.

Thank you for all your
help and your cooperation.

But I am no longer a candidate.

- That's my decision.

I am no longer a candidate.

In the words of Calvin Cooledge

I do not choose to have a run.

- But why?

- Because nothing is worth
to break up my marriage.

Do you know that
in all these years

we've been married,
this is the first

time that Oliver ever walked out

and slammed the door on me.

- Fred always walks out
and slams the door on me.

A couple of times I
even had my fingers in it.

- I'm sorry Mrs. Ziffel,
but my mind is made up.

- Lisa!

Lisa!

- Oh Oliver, I'm so
glad you came back.

I thought you
schlammed out for good.

- Oh Lisa, you know
I couldn't leave you.

Our marriage is
much more important

to me than any political job.

- I know, that's why I
withdrew from the race.

- So did I!

- What did you do that for?

Now we won't have
a mayor in the family.

- Lisa, which is more important;

to have a mayor in the family,

or to have a marriage.

- Well that's a silly question.

- I'm through with politics.

- Hide me quick.

Ralph is after me.

She's got a whole g*ng with her.

Justice of the
Peace, two witnesses

and her brother's
riding shotgun.

- Well, you shouldn't
have led her on.

- With Ralph you
don't lead, you follow;

even when you're
dancing with her.

- [Ralph] Hankie, where are you?

- Holy smoke.

- I'll handle this.

I think I know a way how
to get her mind off marriage.

(drum beats)

- Where is everybody?

- Don't worry, they can't
stay in hiding forever.

(sprightly instrumental)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways Presentation, darling.