("Green Acres" by Vic Mizzy)
- I'll only be gone
for the afternoon!
- You're supposed
to work this afternoon.
- I'm supposed to meet
Darlene, my financee.
- They're going furniture
shopping for their first home.
- Aren't they being
a little previous?
- What's wrong with previous?
- They haven't got a house!
Haven't even set a
date for the wedding yet,
what do they need
to buy furniture for?
- Because the Pixley Imporium's
having a big sale this week.
Mister Douglas,
I got one of those
man to man questions to ask you.
- Do you want me to leave?
- Oh, no no no.
I'll always think of
you as one of the boys.
(audience laughter)
What's the question?
- Well, I'd like to...
well it's about...
Maybe it would be better
if Missus Douglas left.
(audience giggles)
- What's the question?
- Well, since Darlene
and I aren't married yet,
when we look at
the bedroom stuff,
is it alright if we both
look at the bed together?
(audience laughter)
- I think, to keep things
on a high moral plane,
that it would be better when,
when you look at the bed,
Darlene looks at the dresser.
And when Darlene looks at
the bed, you look at the dresser.
(audience giggles)
- Golly, I can hardly
wait till we are married,
and we can both look
at the dresser together!
(audience laughter)
("Green Acres" by Vic Mizzy)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
- Hey, I thought
you went to Pixley.
What are you doing back so soon?
- None of your business!
(audience giggles)
- What did he say?
Now look here, Eb.
Eb? (knocking)
(audience giggles)
How did you get out there?
- None of your business!
(door slams) (audience laughs)
- Eb! Eb?
Eb, I won't ha... Eb! Eb!
- Yes, sir? (audience laughs)
- How did you get in there?
- Well, Mister Douglas, you must
feel pretty proud of yourself.
How could you do a
thing like this to me?
- What have I done to you?
- None of your business.
(audience laughs)
- Now look here, I won't have
you talking to me that way.
- Do you know what it
costs to furnish a home?
- How did you get in here again?
- That's all you're
interested in,
how I get in and out of here.
You're not interested
in my problems.
(audience giggles)
- All right, what
is your problem?
- If I tell you, will you
give me the raise?
- No.
- Then I won't tell you.
- Won't tell you what?
- Why I should give him a raise.
- If I don't get more
money, I can't get married.
- Aw.
- That's your problem.
- Do you realize how much it
costs to furnish a home today?
- How did you two...
- Or buy a car or food?
Prices have gone sky high.
- That's right, we're living
in a period of deflation.
(audience giggles)
- Inflation.
- I knew it was
some kind of flation.
- There's no such word.
- I'm being flationed
right out of my marriage.
(audience giggles)
- Well you're learning
the economic facts of life.
- Are those like the
other facts of life?
(audience giggles)
- No.
- Then why does he
have to learn about them?
(audience giggles)
- Ah, look, Eb.
Ah, when you first
mentioned marriage to me,
what did I tell you?
- You told me that
marriage was like
living in a concentration camp.
- Well.
- I never said that!
- Yes you did!
- When?
- Right after you said
"if you're getting married
"for companionship, save
your money, buy a dog."
- Well!
- Lisa, I never!
- But the one thing I remember
the best that you told me,
is that getting
married is like having
a car door slammed on your hand.
By the time the pain goes
away, you've sold the car.
(audience laughs)
- Bah!
- Eb, all I ever told
you about marriage
is that it's expensive.
You've got to buy food
for two, clothing for two.
Everything goes double.
- There's an easy
solution to that.
Double my pay!
(audience laughs)
- Eb, I pay you more
than anybody else
in this valley pays
his hired hand.
- Then it's true what they
say, this is a depressed area.
(audience laughs)
- You never told me that.
- Do I get the raise?
- I'm sorry, Eb, I can't
afford to double your pay.
- Then I guess I'll have
to break my engagement.
- Look, Eb, maybe you're
in the wrong business.
Why don't you think of another
profession that pays more?
- All I know is farming.
- Well, then study something.
- You mean give up my
job and go back to school?
- No, take a
correspondence course.
You can work days
and study nights.
- Well, how would he sleep?
- Same as he does
now, on the job.
(audience laughs)
- Those correspondence
schools cost money.
- Oh look, I'll pay for it.
You find something
you'd like to study
and we'll discuss it further.
- Thank you, thank you!
- Oh cuss, Eb,
cut that out, ya...
- Yes sir.
Boy, wait till I tell
Darlene the good news.
- Oh, that kid.
- Well, it's very sweet
of you to help him.
- Well...
- Now let's get back
to all the nasty thing
you said about marriage!
- Look, Lisa, I never
said any of those things.
All I ever said to
him was that I hoped
he'd be as happy in his
marriage as we are in ours.
- Well, that was a
lovely thing to say.
- Yeah.
I figured as long
as you're gonna live
in a concentration camp,
you might as well enjoy it.
(audience giggles)
(determined, funny music)
(clanking)
(clatters)
- Oliver, did you see the...
- Uh, did anybody lose this?
- Oh, that belongs
to Mister Douglas!
- Ooh, there you are!
- Eb, what would you like
to have for your breakfast?
- Can I have a
hotcake on a stick, too?
(audience laughs)
- Of course, as soon
as Mister Douglas
is through with his shtick.
- He can have this one.
Ah, try the stick,
that's the best part.
(audience laughs)
- I heard that.
- He's right, it
is the best part!
(audience laughs)
- Look, you're late.
- I overslept.
I was up most of
the night, making out
this list of profitable
professions to pursue.
- What did you put down, Eb?
- Well, in the order
of their profitability,
the first one is brain surgeon.
(audience giggles)
- Now that's a doozy.
- Brain surgeons
are in big demand,
and you don't even have to be
a good one to make a fortune.
- You know, that
sounds very good.
Doctor Eb Dawson,
brain sturgeon.
- Eb, do you
realize what it takes
to become a brain sturgeon?
- A sharp Kn*fe
and a steady hand.
- You have to go to
college, medical school,
you have to serve as an intern,
it could take you ten years!
- In ten years, Darlene'll
be too old for me.
(audience laughs)
- What else have
you got down there?
- My number two
choice is rear admiral.
- Uh, what's your next choice?
- Greek millionaire.
- You can't study to
be a Greek millionaire.
- They did in Hungary.
Well, they didn't exactly
teach you how to be one,
they taught you how to get one.
- Have you got anything
sensible on that list?
Dictator. (audience giggles)
Football star.
- I don't know what they teach
in those correspondence schools.
- Well, one of them
had an ad in a magazine
that listed all the
courses they teach.
Ah, Lisa, did you
see that magazine
I was reading in
here last night?
- Oh, yes.
Here it is.
- Why did you put
it in the refrigerator?
(audience giggles)
- So I'd remember where it was!
(audience laughs)
- You know, it
wouldn't hurt if you
took some kind of a course.
Here, here we are.
Clarkwell
Correspondence Institute.
Whole list of things
here you can study.
Architecture to zoology.
Now why don't you look at
it, see what appeals to you.
Mister Tucker, could you put
an air mail stamp
on that for me?
- I'll be glad to, I...
Clarkwell Correspondence
Institute, Chicago?
Well, that's my old alma mater!
- Oh, well that's very...
♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell
♪ In rain and sleet and hail
♪ Yes, raise your
glass to Clarkwell
♪ Where you study
through the mail
- Yes, well.
♪ Yes, raise your
glass to Clarkwell
♪ Our alma mater true
♪ Where the only
time they flunk you
♪ Is because of postage due
(audience giggles)
- Yes, uh, well,
Mister Drucker...
- I'm sorry about that,
I got carried away.
Ain't nothing to stir up a man
like memories of
his college days.
- I suppose not, now...
- I took a correspondence
course from them in merchandising,
to help me boost
sales here in the store.
- That's very interesting...
- Merchandising is
very important to a store.
- Yes, I suppose it...
- Ever notice how my
canned goods are displayed?
- Well, no, I...
- Now you take them cans
of parboiled lobster tongues.
They're displayed so as
when you come in the store,
they hit you right in the eye.
- Yes, that's very...
- Of course, I aint
never sold none,
but when you come in the store,
they do hit you
right in the eye.
(audience laughs)
- Ah, yes, so I...
- So you're gonna take a
correspondence course, hm?
I don't blame you, the
way you run that farm,
it's a good idea for you to have
some other business
to fall back on.
(audience giggles)
- I am not...
- Course, you have your
law business going for you,
but I guess that ain't been
a howling success, either.
(audience giggles)
- Mister Drucker, I'm
not taking a course, Eb is.
He's looking for a
better paying job, now...
- Well, I don't blame him.
I guess he can't get married on
the kind of money you pay him.
- Mister Drucker, I pay him...
- Speaking of
marriage, I printed
one of your observations
on the subject in the paper.
The one about slamming
your hand in a car door?
- Yeah, I never said...
- What course is Eb gonna take?
- He's decided to
become an accountant.
- Seems to me Eb
would want to be
something like a rear admiral.
- Ah, yeah, - Or a
Greek millionaire.
(audience giggles)
- Mister...
- Or a brain sturgeon!
- Mister Drucker, do me a favor,
put an air mail stamp
on that, I'll see you...
- Clarkwell Institute.
♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell
♪ In rain and sleet and hail
♪ Just raise your
glass to Clarkwell
(choking up)
(chiming formal music)
- Well, hello, Mister Haney.
- You would say that,
after what you done to me.
- All I said was
hello, Mister Haney.
- It's too late for apologizing.
(audience giggles)
Choose your w*apon.
(audience giggles)
- What are you...
- A duel is the only
thing which will unsmirch
my besmirched character.
- You're out of your...
- If you'd prefer swords, I have
a couple of them on the truck.
Course I'll have to scrape
the shish kabob off them first.
(audience laughs)
- I assume you think you have
some sort of a grievance, hm?
- Correct.
You did it to me,
Mister Douglas.
Which makes you the
aggrievea, and me the agrievess.
- Fine.
- Don't you want to even
know what it is you done?
- Not particularly.
- Well as long as you're
not particular, I'll show you.
- Oh, I see.
You found out about
Eb taking a course.
- Do you realize the advantages
that Eb would have if
he enrolled in my school?
- Look, I'm not interested.
- Well, you will be
when I show you.
- Hey now, alright,
let go of me.
(audience giggles)
Mister Haney, please,
I'm not interested...
- Now.
Feast your eyes on the equipment
that we furnish to each
accountant student.
(tarp crinkling)
First, each student
receives this genuine
Bob Cratchit accountant
desk, complete with stool,
quill pen, and container
of sand for blotting,
(audience laughs)
- Of all the...
- The student also gets
this autographed picture
of Tiny Tim looking
happy on Christmas day.
- I'm not...
- To complete the
accountant's kit,
the student gets this modern
electronic computing machine.
(audience giggles)
- Look, I'm not interested...
- Don't hesitate, the new
semester starts in three minutes.
- It'll have to
start without Eb.
- Well, in that case,
choose your w*apon.
(audience giggles)
- Fine.
I'll take this one.
- That'll be twelve dollars.
- Twelve!
- Well the other one is
eighteen, that has the b*llet in it.
(audience laughs)
- My second will call
on you in the morning.
(audience giggles)
- I sure hope he
knows I'm just funning.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa, did you...
- Well, you got your
name in the paper!
- I did?
- Mister Drucker printed
what you said about marriage.
It's like slamming your
hand in the car door.
- Oh, I told him that I
didn't say a thing like that.
- Look what came!
My first lesson from
Clarkwell Institute!
- Wonderful, Eb.
- Boy, I can't wait to get
started on my accounting career.
- Oh, what's that?
- It's the Clarkwell
alma mater song.
I guess you're
supposed to sing it
before you start each lesson.
♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell
♪ In rain and sleet and hail
♪ Raise your glass to Clarkwell
♪ Where you'll
study through the mail
- Eb, open the packet.
- Ooh!
- Golly, it's a makeup kit!
- That'll come in handy.
(audience giggles)
- For what?
- How do I know, I
never studied accounting.
- Why would they
send a makeup kit?
- That's easy.
In case they find a mistake
in the company books,
you can disguise yourself
and get out of town.
(audience laughs)
- They think of everything.
- That's ridiculous.
What's this?
Dear Mister Dawson,
we are happy to send you
your Hollywood
makeup kit along with
your first lesson in acting.
Acting?
- Lesson one, how
to apply makeup
for stage, screen, and radio!
(audience giggles)
- Radio?
- You know, that's where
you just hear what they say,
but you don't
know who's doing it.
(audience laughs)
- I know what, ah, Eb,
ah, they made a mistake.
- I don't care, don't you
see what happened?
I wasn't cut out to
be an accountant,
so destiny took a
hand and sent me
the wrong course,
which is the right course
because fate wants
me to become an actor.
A star!
- That's exactly what
happened to Rock Hudson.
He sent away for
a plumbing course,
and look where he is today.
- Oh, he never sent
away for, look Eb,
pack that thing up
and send it back.
- Never, never!
If somebody up there
wants me to be an actor,
then that's what' I'm gonna be.
- Who's up there?
(audience giggles)
- Oh, Lisa.
Eb, accounting is
a good solid career.
You could make a fine living.
- There's more money in acting.
Where else can you
make five thousand dollars
a week just by having
your teeth capped?
Lesson one, how to apply makeup.
First the student should
remove shine from the face
by applying makeup
powder in jar number one.
Number one, ah,
here it is, right.
If a healthy tan is wanted, apply
pancake makeup number two.
Number two, ah.
(audience laughs)
Golly, no wonder the
stars don't show their age.
This stuff covers everything.
(audience giggles)
- Eb, Eb?
- [Eb] I'm putting on my makeup.
- Forget your makeup.
- I did?
Gee, I better go
home and put it on.
- I wasn't talking to you.
- Who were you talking to?
- Eb.
- Is he using makeup?
- Yes.
- Well, he's a good boy in
other ways, though, isn't he?
(audience laughs)
- He's taking a
course in acting.
- Acting what?
- You know, acting
for the movies, stage.
- Say, there's a lot
of big money in that.
I mean, where else can you make
five thousand dollars a week
just by having your nose fixed?
- I wouldn't know.
- You wouldn't know what?
- Uh, where you can...
- What school's he going to?
- He's taking a
correspondence course
from Clarkwell Institute.
- Clarkwell Institute?
My old alma mater.
- Oh, well that's great...
♪ Raise your glass for Clarkwell
♪ In rain and sleet and hail
♪ Raise your glass for Clarkwell
♪ And drink a glass of ale
(audience laughs)
Oh, I think it's "drink
a glass of mail".
Why would you want
to drink a glass of mail?
- I haven't the slightest idea.
- Well, that's a great
school though, that um...
What's the name
of the school again?
- Clarkwell.
- Oh yeah, that's where I
studied to be a county agent.
Yeah, I sent away for
a scuba diving course,
and they made a
mistake and sent me
an agricultural course
instead, and well, here I am.
(laughs) (audience giggles)
- Unfortunately.
- Yeah, I never regretted
that they got mixed up
on that scuba diving course,
because I found out later
it's very difficult
to find a scuba
who'd like to learn how to dive.
(whistles) (audience giggles)
- Well, it's been
nice talking to you.
- Mister Douglas?
What the...
- I didn't know you had a tall,
horrible looking
girl living here, huh.
(audience giggles)
- I think that's Eb.
- Oh, hello, Eb.
- Say, could somebody help me?
I glued my eyes together.
(audience laughs)
- You glued your,
hey, what happened
to your teeth?
- I put the mascara
on in the wrong place.
- Oh, you.
- Boy, if the first
lesson is this hard,
I wonder what the second
lesson's gonna be like?
Lesson number two.
Now that you've mastered
the difficult art of makeup,
you are ready to start acting.
This can be done while
pursuing your daily chores.
Dramatize everything you do.
For instance,
while eating dinner,
imagine you're a guest at
the court of King Louis the XIV
and act the scene
out accordingly.
Pass me the wild boar, Louis.
- The wild?
- How are the beheadings
going, Your Majesty?
(audience giggles)
- What are you?
- Methinks my glass is empty.
More wine, fair maiden.
- Yea, I'll be there verily.
(audience giggles)
- What are you
two talking about?
- I'm acting out having
dinner with King Louis the XIV,
and Missus Douglas
is helping me.
- Yea, I am the serving wrench.
- The serving wrench.
- Begging Your Majesty's pardon,
are you still sneaking out
with Marie Antoinette, Louis?
(audience giggles)
- Yes, Louis, what's
this with you and Marie?
- Ye same old thing.
More wine, serving wrench!
(slapping)
- Well, I caught you
red-handed, Black Bart.
- Black Ba...
- It ain't bad enough
you rustled a cow,
now you milking her too.
Well, heh heh, you ain't
a getting away with it.
- Eb, I'm getting tired of
these dramatized daily chores.
- You ain't talking your
way out of this, Blackie.
You've been terrorizing
the homesteaders
around here long enough, yeah.
When I count to three,
go for your sh**ting arm.
One.
Two.
Three!
(squirting)
(yells)
White blood!
You got me.
Oh, I'm checking out.
I'm emptying my
saddle in the old corral.
I'm heading for
the last roundup.
I hear them little
doggies a calling me.
(crying)
Water, water!
This is the best I can
do for you, pardner.
(humorous music)
(audience laughs)
- So I've decided to
break our engagement
unless Eb forgets this
silly acting business.
- Darlene, women have to
learn to go along with their man,
no matter how stupid
we think they are.
(audience giggles)
- Now look here...
- Well, studying to be an
accountant made sense.
Why did you talk him
into being an actor?
- I didn't talk him into...
- You know what
he did last night?
He danced up the
front steps of my house
and asked my father if
Shirley Temple was home.
- Shirley Temple?
- He didn't want to take me out
because I didn't know the
words to On A Good Ship Lollipop.
- He must be studying
musical comedy.
- Darlene, you're right, he's...
(door rattles)
(obnoxious music)
- Agent 2279 reporting, sir.
- What's the matter, 22?
- Oh, Lisa.
Did you fix the fuel pump?
- I couldn't, chief, it's
been cleverly sabotaged.
- Eb!
- What did you call me?
- Eb!
- Aha, only an enemy agent
would know my real name.
(Darlene sighs)
- Look, will you please-
- I know who you are.
Eric von Steinmeister.
And that's your brother Max.
They're past
masters of disguise.
Alright, fellers, take
those silly dresses off.
(Lisa sighs)
- Lisa!
(audience laughs)
- I am Max.
- You hold them
here, chief, and I'll get
a carrier pigeon and
send this off to England.
- He's getting better, isn't he.
- Better than what?
He's blown a fuse.
- Well, he's just
studying his lessons.
- I've had enough
of his lessons.
- So have I, and if he doesn't
come to his senses, I'm through.
- I don't blame her.
- Well, I do.
Eb is just doing this for her.
- What do you mean for her?
- Well don't you
remember Eb said
he couldn't afford
to get married,
because furnitures
are too expensive?
- Furniture?
That's what started
this whole thing?
- That's right.
- Oh, then it's a
very simple solution.
So ah, Missus
Douglas and I decided
that as a wedding present
for you and Darlene,
we would give you this check
for five rooms of furniture.
- Thank you, thank
you, thank you!
- Stop!
Oh, cut that out.
There's a string attached to it.
You don't get it until you
cancel that acting course
and get them to send
you the accounting course.
- I won't sell my
soul for a pint of gold.
I don't need furniture.
Acting taught me
that you can create
anything you want
with your imagination.
Do you know what I see there?
- Hm?
- A bedroom.
It's fully furnished.
There's the dresser,
there's the night tables,
and there's the bed.
- Mhm, fun.
Oh, why don't you take
a little nap on your bed.
- I imagine I will.
(drowsy music)
- Well that's the
silliest he's ever been.
- Look.
(Eb yawns)
(audience laughs)
- How did he do that?
- Shh! He's sleeping, come on.
(loud mooing)
("Green Acres" by Vic Mizzy)
- This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.
06x11 - The High Cost of Loving
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.