06x13 - Charlie, Homer, and Natasha

[bunniefuu]

("Green Acres")

- No, we can't go to
New York right now.

- Why not?

- Because I can't
leave the farm.

This is the busiest
time of the year for me.

- That's not the real reason
why you don't want to go.

- All right, you
tell me the reason.

- It's on account
of the red-headed

widow moved in next door.

- There's no red-headed
widow next door,

is there?

- How do I know?

I never go next door,
I never go anywhere.

I never even get
to go to New York.

- Lisa, why are you
so anxious to go?

- Because it's Peggy Rexford's
25th wedding anniversary.

- Wait a second, she just
got married a year ago.

- That's right.

- Then how can this
be her 25th anniversary?

- Well, she was married to
her first husband nine years,

to her second
husband four years,

to her third husband
seven years,

to her fourth
husband three years,

and to this one one year,
which makes 25 years.

- 25 years.

- She's having a
party at the Waldorf

with orchestra and champaign,

and there's going to
be a big crowd there.

- Oh, all of her
ex-husbands coming?

(audience laughs)

- But Oliver, she wrote
on the invitation that

she particularly
wanted you in the party.

- Well, that's very nice,
but tell her we can't go.

- But it's only for the weekend,

you could leave the
farm for that long.

- It's not the farm
I'm thinking about.

It's the red-headed
widow next door (tsk tsk)

- There comes a time
in every woman's life

when she looks at her
husband and she says,

"Why did I marry him?"

I wish it just wouldn't
happen to me so often.

(audience laughs)

("Green Acres")

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dah-ling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- Lisa?

(Lisa gasps)

- Is there no end
to your foul mood?

- What?

- First, no trip to New York

and then you lock
me into the closet.

- Well, I didn't know
you were in there.

- There used to be
a time where you

knew every minute where I was.

I guess the honeymoon is over.

(audience laughs)

- What are you doing?

- Unpacking from the late
defuncted New York trip.

- You mean you were all packed

even though I said
we couldn't go?

- Well, I thought I might be
able to change your mind.

- Lisa, maybe we
can go in a month.

- That will be too late.

Peggy's anniversary
party is this weekend.

- We can go to her
next anniversary party,

or her next wedding,
whichever comes first.

- I don't wish to discuss
the matter any further.

- Fine.

- Oh, would you
mind hanging this

in the closet on your way out?

- Oh, ah ha, uh, Lisa?

- Hmm?

- I've been thinking.

- Oh, yes.

- You oughta wear
something heavier.

The nights are
getting much colder.

(cheerful music)

- You know, I've been
thinking about what you said,

and you're right,
absolutely right.

- I'm right about what?

- Oh, I wasn't talking
to you, Mr. Douglas.

- Yeah, the way things
are today, a fellow should.

- Eb, who are you talking to?

- Charlie.

Did you want me to do
something, Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah, go out to the
cornfield and start irrigating.

- Yes, Sir.

You want to come along, Charlie?

- Just a second, who
are you talking to?

- Oh, I'm sorry, you
haven't met him yet.

Charlie, this is Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, shake
hands with Charlie.

- Where is he?

- Sittin' right there.

- Eb, you feel all right?

- Fine, why?

- Because there isn't anybody.

- Now, you did it.

You stuck your
finger in Charlie's eye.

- Oh, come on.

- You all right, Charlie?

- Look, Eb!

- No, he didn't
do it on purpose.

You stay right here and
I'll get a cold rag for it

(upbeat music)

- Oh, Eb, did you start
irrigating the corn yet?

- No, Sir.

- Why not?

- I told you, I had to put a
cold rag on Charlie's eye.

- Eb, will you?

- Ah, you'll be glad to know
he's feeling better and uh,

Charlie, what are
you doing here?

I told you to lie down
and take it easy.

- I think you should
lie down and take it.

- No, it doesn't look
too bloodshot to me.

How does it look
to you, Mr. Douglas?

- Will you stop this nonsense?

There's nobody here.

- Now, you scared him.

It's okay, Charlie.

- Look, Eb!

- Please keep your voice
down, Charlie's sensitive.

Look, he's shaking like a leaf.

- Eb, do me a
favor, start irrigating.

- Yes, Sir.

What?

Oh, Charlie says it's the
wrong time of day to irrigate.

- I don't care
what Charlie says.

- He's shaking again.

- Out!

- Come on, Charlie.

(cheerful music)

- And he keeps
talking to this Charlie.

- Well, what's wrong with that?

- He isn't there.

- How do you know?

Just because you don't see him

that doesn't mean
he isn't there.

- He isn't.

- Then whose finger
did you stick your eye in?

- I didn't stick my
eye in his finger,

uh, my, my finger in his eye.

- Then he was there.

- No!

- Do you feel all right?

- Yes, I feel
perfectly all right.

It's Eb that's blown his fuse.

- That's the way
it always starts.

First, you see people
who aren't there

and then you blame
it on somebody else.

(audience laughs)

- Look, I don't
want to talk about it.

- Talk about what?

- Well, that little, uh, whatever
it was you think you saw.

- Oh, you mean Charlie.

I just wanted to find
out if it'd be all right

if he bunked with
me for a few days.

- No, it's not, I don't
want him around here,

or not around here, whatever.

- I already told
him he could stay.

He unpacked his suitcase.

- So, did I.

- What about Charlie?

- Tell him to pack
and be on his way.

- He can't leave, he sent
his suit out to the cleaners.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, he sounds like
such a neat little fellow.

- Lisa!

- How would Charlie like
to have dinner with us?

- Well, that's very nice of you,

but Charlie's afraid
to come in the house.

Mr. Douglas yells at him
and that starts him to shaking.

(audience laughs)

- Why don't I fix a plate
and you take it out to him?

- That'll be nice,
I'll go tell him.

Oh, uh, be sure and
not put any potatoes on it.

Charlie's got a weight problem.

- Of all the, Lisa,
you're not really going

to fix a plate for that
figment of Eb's imagination?

- Oliver, figments
are people too.

(dramatic music)

(changes to cheerful music)

- [Hank] Hi, Mr. Douglas.

- Hi, Mr. Kimball.

- You feeling better?

- Oh, I feel fine.

- Good, Mrs. Douglas just
told me you'd blown your cork.

- Blown my?

- Yeah, she said
you saw this little man

standing around
in his underwear,

waiting for his suit to get
back from the cleaners.

- I didn't see any.

- Oh, how are you
today, Eleanor?

(cow moos)

Oh, well, that's good, yeah.

I like a cow that
doesn't complain.

- Fine.

- Yeah, the department's
been doing a lot of research

on a cow's
disposition in relation

to the amount of milk they give,

and they found that a happy cow

gives a lot more milk
than an unhappy one.

So, they suggest that
to keep your cow happy,

you give her a big kiss every
morning before you milk her.

Does that answer your question?

- I didn't ask any.

- Of course, when
you kiss your cow,

you've got to be sure
the bull isn't around

because boy, they
get real jealous.

Yeah, they stick out their horns

on the side of their head
and they paw the earth and.

Oh, that reminds me, my
mother sends her regards.

- Uh, wait, I don't
understand the connection

between your
mother and the bull.

- Oh, well, they're
second cousins.

No, that was my father.

No, my father.

- Hi, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello, Eb.

- Uh, where are you going?

- Charlie wants me
to take him swimming.

- Charlie, (chuckles)
is that your friend?

- He's not my.

- Oh, you haven't
met Charlie yet.

Charlie, this is Mr. Kimball,
our county agent.

- Glad to meet you, Charlie.

- Oh, he's not there,
he's over there.

- Oh, there you are,
gee, I like your surfboard.

- Yeah, he bought
that in Hawaii.

- Yeah, well, that's a real.

- Oh, he's not there,
he's over behind you.

(audience laughs)

- Boy, certainly moves
around a lot, doesn't he?

- Come on now, let's go.

- Well, uh, so long,
Charlie. (chuckles)

(cow moos)

He's a nice little fellow, how
long have you known him?

- Oh, I don't know him.

- But you let him stay here?

- Why not?

- Mr. Douglas, I don't
know how to tell you this,

but I didn't see anybody.

- You didn't?

- No.

- You didn't see a
fat little fellow there

in green bathing trunks?

- No.

- Mr. Kimball, I think you've
been working too hard.

(upbeat music)

- Oliver, why didn't you
go swimming with them?

- With whom?

- With Eb and Charlie.

- Oh, there's no
Eb, uh, uh, Charlie.

- Oliver, are you sure
you're feeling all right?

- Nothing wrong with me.

- Well, how come that you saw

a little fat man wearing
green bathing trunks?

- I just made that up.

- Are you sure
that you're all right?

- I feel fine.

(audience laughs)

- Oliver, maybe you better.

- I don't want to
discuss it any further.

- Howdy, folks.

- Hi.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Haney.

- Doggone, Mrs.
Douglas, you look as prim

as a peach pit in a
pound of persimmons.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Haney.

- You don't look too good.

- Look there's nothing.

- Is Eb here?

- No, he went swimming.

- Oh, where's Charlie?

- Charlie went with him.

- How come he
didn't go with you?

I thought he was your friend.

- Not my friend.

- I wonder if you
would do me a favor?

Would you give
Charlie this suit?

- Suit?

- Hold it up, you're
getting it wrinkled.

- There's no suit here.

- Then why are
you holding it up?

- Well, because he.

- Eb asked me to pick it up
at the dry cleaners for him.

Hey, they did a
nice job, didn't they?

- Mr. Haney, will you?

- Oh, by the way,
I laid out 2.50.

- 2.50?

- Careful, you're
getting it all dirty.

- Shall I get the brush?

- No, it's all right.

They don't make plaid
like that in this country.

I wonder if Charlie
got it in Scotland.

Now, about the money?

- I'll get it.

- Let him get it from Charlie.

- Get what from Charlie?

- The 2.50 for cleaning nothing.

- Oh, say, they did a great
job on your suit, Charlie.

They got all the tomato
stains out and uh,

hey, wait a second,
this ain't Charlie's suit.

- I must have taken the
wrong one off of the rack.

I'll be back with
Charlie's suit later.

- Okay, come on,
Charlie, let's go.

- Oh, wait a minute,
Eb, I want to talk to you.

- Yes, Sir, now look, Charlie.

- Alone.

- Oh, you'd better run along.

He's cold, turn the
heater on in my room.

Uh, now what was it you
wanted to talk about, Mr. Douglas?

- Eb, I wanted.

- Hang your trunks out the
window, they'll dry faster.

- Will you stop it!

- I don't want him
to catch a cold.

- Eb, what is this
bit about Charlie?

- Bit?

- Well, you know as well
as I do there's no Charlie?

You made him up for some
reason, now why, what do you want?

- I don't want anything.

- Then why are you
bugging me with this Charlie?

- I didn't realize he
was bugging you.

If you want, I'll
tell him to get

a haircut and
shave off his beard.

- Eb, I'm going to
give you a choice,

either Charlie goes or you go.

- If I go, can Charlie stay?

- b*at it!

(cheerful music)

- Oh, Oliver, why does
Charlie have to go?

- Why does Charlie have to go?

- I asked you first.

- Lisa, I think it.

- You don't like him because
he's got long hair and a beard.

- Yes, that's the reason.

Now, I don't want to
hear anymore about it.

- Watch it, watch it, you
almost sat on Natasha.

- Natasha?

- Yes, isn't she cute?

- Lisa, I'm in no mood for
anymore of this nonsense.

- This isn't any nonsense.

If you can have a little
friend, I don't see why I can't.

- For the last time, he is not.

- Excuse me, Charlie
wants to say goodbye.

- Bye.

- Charlie says that even though

you're so mean,
he, hey, who's she?

- What?

- This is Natasha.

Natasha, meet Eb.

- How do you do?

This is Charlie?

Hey, she's blushing.

- She led a very sheltered life.

- Excuse me, would anybody
like to say hello to Homer?

- To who?

- My little friend.

- Oh, I didn't see him
standing there, hello, Homer.

Does Homer know Natasha?

- No, Homer just came in.

- Oh, Homer, I'd like you to
meet Natasha and Charlie.

Is Homer an artist?

- How do I know?

- He must be, he's
wearing a barret.

- Oh, you!

- Would you three like to
go in and watch television?

- Yeah, come on, g*ng,
I'll turn it on for you.

Ah, just a second, Charlie,
you let Natasha go first.

Natasha, Homer, okay, Charlie.

- Do you think they
will stay for dinner?

- I really don't care,
I won't be here.

- Well, where are you going?

- To the nearest bar
and when I come back,

the three of them can
ride on my pink elephant.

(dramatic music)

(changes to upbeat music)

- Well, let's see what
else your wife wanted.

- You mean this order is for us?

- Yeah, your wife said you
have three house guests.

- No, we don't.

- Natasha, Charlie, and Homer,
did I ever meet any of them?

- Look, they don't exist.

- Well, they eat pretty
good for non-existers.

- Mr. Drucker.

- You feel all right?

You look a little wild
around the left eye.

- I'm fine.

No, it's Eb, I don't know
what's wrong with him.

He imagines he sees a
little man named Charlie.

- Oh, is he the
one with the beard?

- Uh, Mr.

- Your wife wants to get
him some razor blades.

He wants to shave it off.

- I, uh, I uh.

- Your wife said
you didn't like it.

- Mr. Drucker, didn't
you hear what I said?

Eb imagined him,
there's nobody there.

- Oh, I see, oh well,
that's not unusual.

I remember when
I was a little kid,

I used to have a
little imaginary friend.

(Oliver mumbles)

- Didn't you?

- Hm, no.

- Well, you were rich.

I guess you could afford
to have real friends.

- Look, Eb isn't a kid,
at least not physically.

- Well, I wouldn't worry
about it, I'm sure it'll pass.

- Oh, I certainly hope so.

- Just give it a
little more time.

Oh, I almost forgot,

you're supposed to bring
home a box of dog biscuits.

- Dog bi, we don't have a dog.

- Yes, you do, either
Charlie or Homer bought one.

- Bring the stick
back here, George.

Put it down there.

Good boy, that's a good dog,
that's a good boy, good boy.

- [Oliver] Uh, Eb?

- Oh, that's George,
Charlie's new dog.

Ain't he a beauty?

- Yeah, yeah, he's a beauty.

- Oh, you want to
throw the stick for him?

- Uh, sure, I'd love to.

- Huh, now you did it,
you threw it up in the tree.

I'll get it for you, George.

(upbeat music)

- Lisa?

- Oh, hello, dear, did you
see Charlie's dog anywhere?

- Lisa, I want to talk
to you, let's sit down.

I don't suppose there's
anybody sitting there, is there?

- No.

- Uh-huh.

- Homer and Charlie
took Natasha on a picnic.

- Lisa, I don't need anymore
of this action from you now.

I'm worried about Eb.

- Why?

- Why, do you think
it's normal for somebody

to see three little
people who aren't there?

- Three, no, one, maybe.

- One is enough.

- Well then, why
did you bring your

little friend with the barret?

- I didn't, what about Natasha?

- Girls are different.

- Look, Lisa, I'm beginning
to suspect that Eb is,

I think he needs help.

- I agree with you.

- What made you decide that?

- Well, the dog that isn't
there, Eb is playing with.

I don't mind the dog too much,

but the stick that isn't there,

Eb is throwing to the
dog that isn't there,

that has me worried.

- Ah, I see, fine, yeah,
yeah, and you agree that

we should do something about it?

- Yes, I think we should
take Eb to a doctor.

- Well fine, I'll take
him over to Doc Stewart.

- Oh, he doesn't need
that kind of a doctor.

Eb needs a psychiatrist.

- There aren't any
psychiatrists around here.

- There aren't?

- In fact, I don't even
know any psychiatrists.

- Neither do I.

Oh, wait a second, I just
remembered, Peggy Rexford's

husband is one of the biggest
psychiatrists in New York,

and if you will take Eb there.

- Peggy Rexford, isn't that
the girl whose anniversary

party you wanted me to
take you to in New York?

- Uh, I guess that's the one.

Now, if we took Eb there, I'm
sure that we could help him.

- Oh boy, have I been an idiot.

You concocted this
whole thing just so that

I would take you to
New York to the party.

You put Eb up! (sighs)

This is a kind of a plot you'd
expect to see on I Love Lucy.

- Our Miss Brooks.

- What?

- I caught a rerun.

- Lisa, you could have
saved yourself all this trouble

because we are not
going to New York.

- Oliver!

- We're not going
and I don't want

to hear another word about it.

- Mr. Douglas,
Mr. Douglas, come quick,

there's a terrible fight.

- What?

- Homer made a pass at
Natasha and Charlie got jealous

and pulled a Kn*fe
and Homer has a g*n

and they're sh**ting and
stabbing at each other.

- Fine, I'll see you later.

- You've got to stop it.

- Let George stop it.

- George ain't there, he's gone.

- Eb, Oliver knows
the whole plot.

- He saw the rerun
of Our Miss Brooks?

- No, he figured
it out by himself.

- He did, huh, I didn't
think he was that smart.

- Eb, I just want you to
go out and get to work

and I don't ever want
to hear another word

about this crazy scheme again.

- But Mr.

- This is the end of it.

(sirens wail)

- No it isn't.

- What?

- That's the sheriff.

You see, before I
knew that you knew,

I got so carried away
with the fight that Homer

and Charlie were
having, that I called him.

(knock on door)

- Come in.

- Did somebody here
phone for the sheriff?

- He did.

- I did not.

- Well, I didn't.

- No, no, he did.

- Who did?

- You did.

- Me did?

- Just a second, somebody phoned

that there was a big fight here.

- Did you see a
fight, Mrs. Douglas?

- NO.

- Oh, that must have
been his three friends.

- Oh, they're your friends, huh?

- They are not my friends.

Well, they're three
little people, not people,

they're just imag, you can't
see them, they're not there.

- Lady, have you got
a balloon I can borrow?

- I am not drunk!

- Then how come
you keep seeing these

little people that aren't there?

- I didn't see them.

- Did you see them?

- No, Sir!

- Eb, you are the
one that started this,

bringing Charlie here.

- Who's Charlie?

- He's the one he said
was wearing the barret.

- No, no, that was Homer.

- Who's Homer?

- Oh, he's the little
man that I made up.

Everybody had their
little man and woman.

- And you felt left out?

- No, I, uh.

- Tell him about George.

- Who's George?

- Oh, he's a dog
that Charlie bought.

- I thought you said
you couldn't see Charlie.

- No, you couldn't, you
couldn't see George either.

- Then why were you
throwing the stick for him?

- There wasn't any
stick, it was imaginary.

- And you threw it and
the dog brought it back.

- Oh no, I threw
it up in a tree.

- Why don't you just
come along with me.

- Are you arresting me?

- Of course not,
we're just going to take

a ride over to the county seat.

They've got this white building
there with nice green lawns

and they give you lots of
rocks and things to play with.

- Are you implying
that I'm crazy?

- Did I say that?

- Well, I'm not!

- Come along.

- Take your hands off of me!

- Sheriff, I'm sure you're right,
my husband does need help.

I know a psychiatrist
in New York

who is married to
my best girlfriend,

and I could take him
there over the weekend.

- Well, I.

- I am sure that
he could help him.

- Well, he probably
would be better off

with somebody who could
give him personal attention.

Now, you go with the wife
and I'm sure you'll be fine.

- But, Sheriff!

- It's either that or
the country seat.

(audience laughs)

(Oliver sighs)

- All right.

- Bye-bye.

(door closes)

- Well, you did it.

- You're not mad at me?

- I would like to. (sighs)

(Oliver laughs)

all right, if we're gonna go,

we might as well pack the bags.

- Oh, they are already packed.

- I'll put them in the car.

- They're in the car.

- All you have to do
is put on your coat

and hat and we're on our way.

- What about the plane?

- I have the tickets
in my pocket.

- You didn't forget
anything, did you?

- No, Sir, I even arranged
for kennel for George.

- Oh, get out.

- Yes, Sir, oh by the way,

y'all be sure and
have a good time.

- Come on, let's go.

You sure you're
still not mad at me?

- Who me, oh no, I'm not.

(Oliver yells loudly)

(Lisa screams)

(cheerful music)

- [Homer] Well,
they're gone, Charlie.

- [Charlie] Yeah, what
do you want to do, Homer?

- [Homer] I don't know, what
do you want to do, Natasha?

- [Natasha] Let's play house.

- [Charlie] I'll be the daddy.

- [Homer] No, I will.

- [Charlie] I will.

(George barks)

- [Natasha] Down, George.

(George barks)

- [Natasha] Go chase your stick.

(audience laughs)

- What's the matter?

- Did you hear voices?

- What kind of voices?

- Like three, uh, never mind.

- Oliver, maybe it's a lucky
thing we are going to New York.

- Yeah, yeah, maybe it is.

(upbeat music)

(George barks)

- [Natasha] Down, George.

(George barks)

("Green Acres")

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, Darling.