06x15 - The Free Paint Job

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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06x15 - The Free Paint Job

Post by bunniefuu »

(bright music)

- Lisa, did you see my...

- It's in the 3rd drawer
from the bottom.

- How do you know
what I'm looking for?

- Because whenever you
don't know where something is,

then that's where it is.

- Well I'm looking
for my hammer.

What is that?

- The Royal Cook's Book.

This are the recipes
my mother, the queen,

used when we
lived in the palace.

Oh it's full of all
kinds of exotic recipes

that were only fit to
grace the table of a king.

- What king was that?

- My father!

- Oh yes, yes, Louis the zero.

- My father was a real gourmet.

He liked to have delicacies
from all over the world.

Oh, this one was his favorite.

Stuffed kangaroo tail.

- How do you stuff
a kangaroo tail?

- Through the pouch.

- I oughta know better.

- You take 22
pounds of chicken liver

and you stuff...

- I, I don't care to
hear the details.

- But I'm trying to
find something special

to make for your birthday.

- My birthday is
three weeks away.

- Well I thought if I
start practicing now,

it will be perfect by the
time it comes around.

Oh here is a recipe
that was a favorite

with royalty from
all over Europe.

- What is that?

- Elephant stew.

- How do you stew an elephant?

- Well you fill up the
moat with champagne.

Then you throw the
elephant in and in two days

he's stewed to the tusks.

Where are you going?

- I'm going to get the hammer

and hit myself on
the head with it.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

("Green Acres Theme Song")

- Oliver.

How would you like this
for your birthday dinner?

Philly of Tartar Tongue.

- No, no thanks.

How 'bout cooking my favorite,
spaghetti and meatballs?

- Spaghetti with meatballs,

would that be
under S for spaghetti

or M for meat or B for balls.

- Why don't you
try S for spaghetti?

- S, sperm whale soup?

Seaweed a la mode?

Shark tooth souffle?

- But is there a
spaghetti recipe in there?

- I don't see one here.

You'll have to have
something else.

- There's nothing
to making spaghetti.

There are probably a couple
of cookbooks in the kitchen

with a recipe.

- I'll see if I can find one.

In the meanwhile,
have a happy birthday.

- My birthday's
not for three week.

Ooo!

Lisa, I've got good.

- What's the matter?

- Are you boiling laundry?

- No, it's spaghetti.

Would you like to taste it?

- How long did ya cook that?

- Two hours and 23 minutes.

So far.

- So far?

- I want to be
sure it's well done.

- Oh Lisa, Lisa, you don't
boil spaghetti that long.

Didn't you read the
directions on the box?

- I couldn't, I dropped
the box in the pot.

- Well Lisa, you
can't eat that mess.

- I'll make another batch.

That's why I'm practicing.

So that it'll be perfect

by the time your birthday comes.

- Hey, don't throw
that in the sink,

you'll stop up every
pipe within five miles.

- Well what should I do with it?

- Bury it and be sure you stick

a silver Kn*fe
through its heart.

(playful music)

(pig oinks)

- How do you do madam, I.

- Who's at the door Arnold?

(pig oinks)

Tell him we don't want any.

- Look, would you tell.

- I'm up here.

- Oh excuse me, I
thought you were the pig.

I mean uh...
- That's alright.

- That was a pig, wasn't it?

- Yes, that's Arnold Ziffel.

He came over to
watch the television.

- To what?

- He says it's broken and his
father won't give him money

to have it fixed.

- Oh well. (chuckles sheepishly)

- What can I do for you?

- Oh is your husband home?

- What kind of a cr*ck is that?

- Oh no, I only meant,
I'd like to talk to him.

- He's not here.

- Oh, well maybe
you can help me.

My name is Lester Luster Junior.

- Very pleased to
meet you Mr. Junior.

- No, no, I'm Lester
Luster, you see my,

my father is Lester
Luster and when I was born

they named me Lester Luster,

so he is Lester Luster Senior,

and I am Lester Luster Junior.

- That's a very
interesting story,

but I don't think I can
help you, Mr. Junior.

- No you don't under.

Look would you please go tell.

- Arnold the cat food
commercial is on.

He likes to watch them.

He's learning how to meow.

- Meow?

(pig meows)

(laughs)

Maybe I'd better
come back a little later.

- Oh no, no, that's
alright Mr. Lester.

- Luster, I'm, I'm with
the advertising department

of Luster Paints.

- Do you know anything
about cooking spaghetti?

- Well I can...
- Come with me, please.

- My wife ordered all of these?

- Yeah, she says she's
practicing spaghetti

for your birthday.

- Well that's not...

- By the way when
is your birthday.

- Not for three weeks!

- Well she oughta
learn it by then.

- I don't think she...

- By the way, did that
fella come out to see ya?

- What fellow?

- Well his name is
Lisser, or is it Losser?

- What did he want?

- No, I think it was Lancaster.

No, no, it wasn't Lancaster.

But it did begin with an L.

- Well what did he...

- No, Lisser Mister, that's it.

Carl Lisser, no it wasn't Carl.

- Yes that's very...

- No, it wasn't
Lisser Mister either.

Well let's see it was
something something, Junior.

Well no it couldn't have
been something something

because it began with an L.

- Mr. Drucker, what
did the man want?

- Oh, you mean
Mister Linklaster?

No, it wasn't Linklaster.

- Well what did he want?

- Well he's with the
Luster Paint Company.

- That's it, Luster Lester.

- Oh fine.

- Now he's with their
advertising department

and he wants to
before and after you.

- Before and...

- He's looking for a house
they can take pictures of

before they paint it
and after they paint it.

- Oh, I see.
- Yeah, he asked me

if there was an old and
dilapidated house around here

and when he said
old and dilapidated,

I thought of you.

Well I didn't think
of you personally.

- Oh I understand.

- Anyway, he said they'd
paint your house for nothing

if they can use the
pictures in their ads.

- Well, I'd like to talk to him.

- How long has
this been cooking?

- An hour and 15 minutes.

- Oh that's good.

My husband said it
shouldn't cook too long.

- I don't think you should...

- Would you hand
me that fork please?

(comical music)

How does this look to you?

- Not like any
spaghetti I've ever seen.

- Well, back to
the drawing board.

This time I'm going to try...
- Lisa!

Here's your spaghetti.

- Oh thank you darling.

Oh Oliver, this gentleman
has been waiting to see you.

This is Mr. Luster.

This is my husband.

- Lister, uh Luster, Luster.

- Mr. Luster, Luster has
been waiting to talk to you.

- Uh huh, how do you do?

Mr. Drucker told me that you.

What's he doing here?

- He came over to watch TV.

He's learning to meow
from the cat food commercial.

(pig meows)

- How could he...

- Oh would you like
a saucer of milk?

Oh, he'd rather have a banana.

There are some in the
refrigerator, help yourself.

He always gets so hungry
when he watches TV.

I think this time I'm
going to try to cook it

with some more spaghetti.

- That's not the way to...

- Excuse me, could we
go someplace and talk

where it's saner, uh quieter?

- Yeah, come on
in the living room.

- What happened?

- Anybody ever
tell that stupid pig

that when he peels a banana

he should throw the
peel in the garbage can.

- Alright, we'll take a
picture of the house

the way it is now,

then we'll paint it
any color you wish

and photograph it
after it's been painted.

- And there'll be no
charge for the painting?

- Oh none whatsoever.

All we ask is the right to use
the before and after pictures

in all our advertising.

- Well that's fair enough.

- We'll have our
photographer here

first thing tomorrow morning

and as soon as he gets his
pictures we'll start painting.

- Fine.

- Oh by the way,
I almost forgot.

Here's a chart of all our colors

if you'd pick out
the one you like.

- Oh thank you, I'll
show them to my wife.

I'll see you in the morning.

Lisa!

Lisa.

- Did Mr. Looseleaf leave?

- Yeah, Mr. Looseleaf left.

Now look, they're gonna
paint the house tomorrow.

Here, pick out
the color you like.

- Oh, is it quarter past yet?

- Quarter past what?

- Anything.

I put a batch a
spaghetti up at half past.

- Half past what?

- I don't remember.

- Well how could you put...

- I wonder if I should take
the spaghetti off the stove?

- No, no, it's already too late.

It's already escaped.

(spaghetti gurgles)

Uh no no, don't touch that.

It might att*ck you.

- If you don't mind.

- [Hank] Oh that's alright.

- Mack, I'm trying
to take a picture.

- Of what?

- The house.

- Well there's something
wrong with your camera.

- Yeah, see.

You know the house
is upside down.

Yeah, if you want the
picture to come out right,

now you're gonna have to
turn the camera upside down,

or the house.

- Thanks for your suggestion.

- Oh that's alright.

Always glad to
help out a fellow, uh,

what's that thing again?

- A camera.

- Oh yeah, always glad to
help a fellow camera out.

Well nice talking to ya.

- Will ya please
get outta the way?

- Sorry.

Morning Mr. Douglas.

- Will ya please close the door?

- Sorry!

Mr. Kimball.

- Oh hi Mr. Douglas.

Say, what are you
doing up there?

- Stand up.

- Well I didn't wanna
ruin the picture.

- Hello there Mr. Kimball.

- Oh hello Mrs. Douglas.

I brought the spaghetti
recipe you asked for.

My mother picked it up in Italy.

Or was it my father
she picked up?

No, it couldn't have
been my father.

He didn't even know
how to make spaghetti.

- That does make any...
- Here we are.

To one kangaroo, add 22
pounds of chicken liver and.

No that's her recipe
for stuffed kangaroo tail.

- That's the recipe
my mother uses.

- Oh, does she know how
to make elephant stew?

- You mean where you fill the
moat with champagne and...

- We didn't have a moat.

So my mother filled up
with the bathtub with vodka.

She uses the baby elephants.

- I guess they're more tender.

- Did your mother ever
make sperm whale soup?

- Every Thanksgiving.

- Look, if you two
will excuse me.

- Mack, will ya please
get off the porch?

- This is a very
nice shade of blue.

It matches Oliver's eyes.

- Oh that'll come out real...

- Maybe the yellow
would be better.

- That's a good choice, I'll-

- No, no, I like
the red the best.

- You're not gonna
paint the house red?

- No, this is the color I want
to make the spaghetti sauce.

- Look, forget the
spaghetti sauce.

Pick out a color so
they can paint the house.

- How 'bout this green one?

- Oh that's real nice.

- I don't like it.

- What's wrong with it?

- It's too dark.

- Oh that's no problem.

I'll just have the painter
make it a shade lighter.

- How's that lady?

- Oh it's beautiful.

- Good.

- But that's not it.

- Lisa, can't you
make up your mind

so that they can
paint the house?

- Well if you're nervous, why
don't you go into the kitchen

and have a couple of bats?

- Why don't we all go?

- If you could just
describe the color you want.

- Have you ever been in the
Countess Franscetti's bathroom?

- Not lately, no.

- In her shower
there is a soap dish.

- And you want the same
shade as the soap dish.

- No, as the soap.

- Why don't we
all break for lunch?

- Do you have anything here
we could use as a sample?

- No.

Oh wait a minute,

I had a dress made to
match the Countess' soap.


- A dress made to?

- Could we look
at your soap dress?

Er, the dress that...
- I'll get it for you.

No I can't get it for you.

- Why not?

- Because it's at the
dry cleaners in Pixley.

- I'll get it for you!

Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon,
may I help you?

- Yes, my name is Douglas.

- You have suit here.

- No, not a suit, a green dress.

- Oh?

- It's my wife's dress.

- That's what they always say.

- Look, will you
just get it for me?

- Yes sir, you said the
name was Douglas?

- That's right, Mrs. Douglas.

- Hmm, I don't seem to be
able to find it Mr. Douglas.

- Now see here.

- Oh, here we are.

Would you care to try it on here

to make sure it didn't shrink?

- Just give me the dress.

- Yes sir.

Say, this is an unusual shade.

I haven't seen this color
green since I took a shower

in the Countess
Franscetti's bathroom.

- There, how's that?

- It needs a little more>

- It doesn't need a
little more anything.

It's perfect!

- How do you know?

Did you ever take a shower
in the Countess' bathroom?

- No, but the man at
the cleaning store did.

- Let's try it on the house.

(slurping)

What the?

(slurping)

- The after's just the
same as the before.

- What's wrong with your paint?

- There's nothing
wrong with my paint.

It's your house.

- Try it again.

(slurping)

- Must be alive.

It's eating up the paint
faster than I can put it on.

- Now how about priming
it with an undercoat?

- This paint doesn't
need an undercoat.

- Try it again!

- You used all this paint?

- On the one board.

- I don't believe it.

- You try it.

- There, what's wrong with that?

(slurping)

- I'll open up another can.

- Wait a second.

What we need to do is
load this wood up with paint.

Get ya a spray
g*n, that'll do it.

- Oliver, where are you going?

- I have to go into.

What's that?

- It's an experimental meat ball

to go with the spaghetti.

Would you like to taste it?

- Look, will ya
please forget the.

- [Lester] You can
plug it in over there.

- What are they plugging in?

- Oh they're gonna
try spraying the house

with a spray g*n.

- Ah.

- Stop it!

You're coming through the wall!

Lisa, would you look at me?

- Nevermind you.

Look at my meatball.

- I just don't know what to do.

We've undercoated
it, sealed it, sprayed it.

Still won't take any paint.

- Why don't you just
forget the whole thing?

- Mr. Douglas, there
is no house in the world

that the Luster Paint
Company cannot paint.

- Mr. Douglas, you're not
gonna paint this house, are you?

- Yes we're...
- You would deface

this replica of Robert
E. Lee's birthplace?

- Mr. Haney the
paint won't stay on.

- Oh.

When you put it on
does it go (slurping)?

- That's right.

- Oh.

Is this man a union painter?

- Sure.

- That's your trouble.

A union man can't paint
a Southern mansion.

You need a confederate painter.

- That's the worst...

- What kinda wood is this?

- I believe that
is a $32 question.

- 32 dol...
- No, I am in error.

That question was reduced to $28

during our August white sale.

- Mr. Haney would you just
tell us what kinda wood this is?

- Uh may I have
your check first?

- No.

- Very well, I'll
answer it on credit.

This house is constructed

of genuine Mississippi
chiltling wood.

- Chitling?

- Noted for its ability to
cool a house in the summer

and heat the
house in the winter.

Now this is done by opening
and closing the wood pores.

- The what?

- The wood pores!

When the pores are open,
the wood breathes freely,

cooling the house.

And when they're shut,
they act like a stuffed up nose.

- Look, how can
we paint the house?

- Well, you have
to close the pores.

- How do you do that?

- I'll show you.

May I have your pore
key, Mr. Douglas?

- I don't have a pore key.

- You don't have a pore key?

- No!

- Very well, let's
see if mine will fit.

Do you happen to know where
your pore key hole is located?

- I don't have a pore key hole!

- Well excuse me.

Oh, here it is.

Now I'll just close
the pores and,

hey, I see the trouble.

Your pore key spring is broken.

- Mr. Haney, that's the most...

- However, all is not lost.

I have a spare pore
key spring at home.

Which I will install
for the poultry sum

of $982.

- Get out of here!

I'm sorry to waste your time.

- I don't see the
pore key spring.

- There isn't any.

- There's only one
solution I can think of.

Can we take one of the boards

back to the laboratory with us?

Maybe one of the
experts can figure out

how to treat the wood
so it can be painted.

- Be my guest.

- I don't know why we
have to go all the way over

to the county seat for dinner.

- Well that's the only

Italian restaurant I
know around here.

- And if you'd just be patient,

I'm sure I could learn how to.

(knocking at door)

- Who's that?

- Oh hi, come in.

- Evening Mr. Douglas.

Just thought you'd like to see

what our experts
were able to do.

- Oh, say, that's perfect.

Ha, ha.

Well, how'd you manage that?

- Well they, fixed
the pore key spring.

- The pore...

- I know, but that's the
only way I can explain it,

you see this wood is very
porous and it does breathe.

Well, they managed
to close the pores

so that it'll hold the paint.

- Oh that's great.

- But there's only
one small problem.

- What's that?

- Listen.

(wheezing)

- What's that?

- Well when they
close the pores,

the wood can't breathe, you see.

And so it keeps
gasping for breath.

- I never heard of anything.

- So you'll have to make
a choice about your house,

Mr. Douglas.

You can either have
an unpainted breather

or a painted gasper.

(wheezing)

- Well I'd rather have a,

an unpainted breather.

- Okay, but I'd appreciate it

if you'd kinda forget
about this whole thing.

Our reputation.
(laughs sheepishly)

- Yeah, I understand.

- Oh, hello there.

- Good evening.

- You're just in time.

- Would you like to have a
nice spaghetti dinner with us?

- Eh, no thank you.

I've suffered enough.

Good night.

- What did he mean by that?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

Come on.

- Happy birthday darling.

- (laughs) It's not my
birthday for three weeks.

- Well a little pre birthday
shnot never hurt anybody.

- I wonder when they're
gonna bring our dinner.

- I don't know why
we had to come here.

- I just thought
it'd be a good idea

if you saw what spaghetti
is supposed to look like.

- But I...
- Here we are.

Spaghetti and meatball.

- You call that
spaghetti and meatballs?

- Sorry Mack, we just
got a new Hungarian cook.

- Hungarian?

- Where are you going?

- To say hello to the cook.

He may be my mother.

("Green Acres Theme Song")

- [Woman] This has been a
Filmways presentation darling.
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