06x18 - Star Witness

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

(knocking)

(snorting)

- Oh, hello, dear, Arnold,
I've been expecting you.

Now, take your
suitcase in the bedroom.

- What do you mean,
take your suitcase...

- Arnold is going to stay
with us for a few days.

- Oh, no, he's not.

- Arnold, hang
your clothes up nice.

You can use
Mr. Douglas's closet.

(snorting)

- Don't bother.

He's not staying here.

- Oliver, the Ziffels
called and asked if we'd

take care of him for a few days.

They have the flu
and they don't want him

to catch it.

- Of all the... (snorting)

You leaving?

- No, he said he
forgot something.

- How do you know
what he's talking about?

- He uses the same
dialect that they use

in the southern part of Hungary.

- It's nice that you two
have something in common.

- Oliver...

- Oh, Lisa, I don't want
that pig to stay here.

- But he's only going
to stay for a few days.

- Well, why don't they send him

to a kennel or a
camp or... (snorting)

- Oh, isn't that nice,
he brought his ukulele.

- Oh, groovy.

- The Ziffels said
we must make sure

he practices three
hours every day.

- Lisa, a pig can't
possibly play...

(ukulele music)

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores

♪ The stores ♪ Fresh
air ♪ Times Square

♪ You are my wife
♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Got your shopping list?

- It's in my purse.

- Where's your purse?

- I left it in the living room.

I'll go and get it.

- Well, what are
we all duded up for?

- Well, we're
going into Pixley...

- Oh, going to the big town, eh?

Bright lights, cabaret,
dancing girls, cotton candy?

- Cotton candy?

- I'll get my ma jacket
and be right with you.

- No, you're not going.

- But I'm really
funky in Pixley.

- You can't go.

- But...

- Look, stay here and
spread your funk around here.

Boy.

- Here's my shopping list.

Eb, is there anything you need?

- Yes, ma'am I've
got a whole list.

- Where is it?

- I left it in my purse.

- Let's go.

What's he doing in the car?

- I told him he
could come with us.

He has some shopping to do, too.

- Oh, all right, but he's
not riding up in front.

Get in the back.

- Boy, you don't care what
the Supreme Court said.

- The Supreme Court?

- They said that
everybody is equal and...

- And let's go.

(snorting)

- What does he want?

- He wants to go in
the drugstore with us.

- Nothing doing.

I'm not going
shopping with any pig.

Let him wait in the car.

- Arnold, we won't be long.

(alarm rings)

(squealing)

- What happened?

- The bank's been robbed.

Did anybody get a
look at the two men

who just ran out?

You're sure now?

- What's going on?

- Two men just held up the bank.

You didn't see them, did you?

- I don't know, what
did they look like?

- That's what I'm
trying to find out.

(squealing)

b*at it, pig.

Who's pig is this?

- Well, he's ours.

- No, he's not ours.

- Well, he's staying with us.

You see, the
Ziffels have the flu

and they didn't want
Arnold to catch it,

so they asked if it was...

- Lisa, Lisa, he's not
interested in how they're...

- Did anybody get the
number of their license plate?

(squealing)

Would you please take
this pig away from here?

- They should have
listened to Arnold.

Arnold said he
saw the whole thing.

- Oh, for...

- Arnold, what
did they look like?

(squealing)

He lost his voice.

- How could he...

- It must have been
from all the excitement.

- Good, now we can ride
home in peace and quiet.

They're offering a $2500 reward

for the capture and
conviction of these two men.

- Wait till Arnold
gets his voice back.

He'll collect the reward.

- Oh, that's the
most ridiculous...

- He knows what
the robbers look like.

- Why don't you get him
to draw a picture of them?

- He doesn't draw too well.

- Oh, I didn't think there
was anything he couldn't do.

- Well, I'd better get
something for his throat.

- There's a rope in the barn.

- Oliver.

(knocking)

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Haney.

- If you'll just step this way.

- Oh, now...

- I suppose you knew
about the bank robbery.

- Oh, yes.

- And you also know
there was a witness

to the whole sordid
affair, namely Arnold Ziffel.

- Yeah, he saw the...

- Do you realize the
danger that Arnold is in?

- Danger?

- I knew you would understand.

My card.

- Haney's Witness
Protection Service.

- Arnold's life won't be
worth a plugged nickel

when them desperados find
out that he can identify them.

- Mr. Haney, that
pig can't possibly...

- Now, with our
$100 protection plan,

we guarantee the
witness will probably live

until the trial.

- What does that...

- Of course, with our $200 plan,

we guarantee full coverage.

- I'm not interested.

- Well, that's a
pretty callous attitude.

But then it's not your
life that's at stake.

- Mr. Haney, you're not...

- I'd better talk to Arnold.

Where is he?

- This wouldn't be
some scheme of yours

to get part of that
reward money, would it?

- Oh, is there a reward?

- $2500, as if you didn't know.

- Well, it won't affect
the protection price.

It still will be $500.

- I thought it was $200.

- Oh, well, that's
without the extras.

This consists of a disguise

for the witness to
wear so the culprit

won't recognize him.

May I show you?

- Don't bother, I really...

- Now this is a genuine
Alsacian sheep skin.

It was worn by
Lassie in her picture,

"Lassie Flees from the Gestapo."

- Of all the...

- When Arnold wears
this, he'll fool anybody

including another sheep.

'Course, if that was to happen,

it'd be up to him to
bluff his way out of it.

- You're wasting my time.

- Well, you don't
like the sheep skin.

How about this for a
disguise for Arnold?

There.

This comes complete
with an old joke book

and the complete lyrics
for "Hooray for Dr. Schor,

the African Explorer."

- I'd love to hear
you sing it sometime,

but right now, I'm busy.

- Mr. Douglas...
- Goodbye.

- Um, Mister...

(bleating)

- Honey, have you seen...
- Open wide.

- What the...
- His voice is coming back.

(squealing)

Now try again, Arnold.

Now I think we can take
him over to the sheriff

and let him describe the crooks.

- We're not taking
him to the sheriff.

If you think I'm gonna walk in

with a dumb pig
witness, forget it.

(squealing)

(squeaking)

- Well, now you did it.

You got him so upset
that he lost his voice again.

Come on, Arnold, open wide.

There we go, that's a good boy.

- Don't sh**t.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, it's you, Mr. Douglass.

I thought it was the...

- What are you looking
in the window for?

- Oh, now, don't misunderstand.

I'm not a teeping pom.

Uh, pooping tea.

Well, what I was looking for,

what was I looking for again?

Oh, yeah, the bank robbers.

- Why are you looking for them?

- Oh, sheriff made me a deputy.

Well, he didn't
make me a deputy.

He asked me to, well,
no, he didn't ask me,

anyway, he gave me this badge.

- What badge?

- Oh, yeah, that's right,
took it away from me

after I stuck his palm with it

when we were shaking hands.

- I suppose he got
upset about that.

- Yeah, a little.

Well, not a little,
he turned red

and anyway, he gave me this g*n.

- What g*n?

- Oh, that's right, he
took that away, too.

Yeah, while I was
putting it in the holster

I sh*t a hole in his shoe.

- A hole in his...

- Yeah, lucky he had
his toes separated.

- Oh, boy.

- Yeah, heard Arnold
saw the crooks.

I'd like to talk to him.

- I don't think
you'd get anywhere.

He lost his voice.

- Well, maybe we
could help him find it.

That's what your
sheriff department is for,

to find lost voices.

Or is it lost children?

Well, anyway, on with the hunt.

- Yeah, on with the hunt.

- And don't you worry.

I'll catch those guys.

- Mr. Kimball, if, by some
fluke, you do catch them,

how are you gonna bring 'em in?

- Well, I'll just whip
out the old handcuffs.

Oh, yeah, that's right, I
left 'em with the sheriff.

I accidentally handcuffed
him to his typewriter.

- You handcuffed him...
- I'll see ya.

Oh, if you see
anybody suspicious,

call me at the sheriff's office.

No, you won't be
able to get through.

- Why not?

- Well, when he
threw the phone at me,

it came off the wall.

Well, as the Northwest
Mounted Police are so fond

of saying, we always get our...

What is it we always get?

Well, it doesn't matter.

Whatever we always get,
they probably have a cure for it.

Well.

Don't sh**t.

- Oh, Hank.

- Oh, it's you Simpson.

Thought you were
one of the bank robbers.

- Don't tell me the
sheriff deputized you.

- Yeah.

Sam, you haven't seen
any strange characters

around here, have you?

- Not till you showed up.

- Well, they won't get far.

Not with me on
their trail. (laughs)

I can smell a bank
robber at 40 paces.

How are you, sir?

- I'm fine, I'd like to
get some groceries.

- Kinda new around
here, aren't ya?

- Yeah.

I'm staying with the...

- You must be their cousin.

- That's right.

Now, do you have any...
- Who's cousin?

- Well the...
- It must be the Bennetts.

- That's right.

The Bennetts.

- Haven't seen two
suspicious characters

out that way, have you?

- No, why?

- Bank in Pixley was held up.

Two men got away with $25,000.

- Oh, that's awful.

The things that
go on these days.

- Yeah, well,
they won't get far.

We got road blocks up.

- Yeah, I've noticed.

- Yeah, we'll be picking 'em up

as soon as we get a description

from our star witness.

- Witness?

I didn't hear about a witness.

- Yeah, Arnold
saw the whole thing.

- Arnold, what?

- Who's Arnold?

- Arnold Ziffel.

Yeah, he's the Ziffel's kid.

Well, he's not really a kid,

he's a, anyway he
saw the two guys

make their getaway.

- Who told ya that?

- Mr. Douglas.

Yeah, Arnold's staying with 'em.

See, they got the flu and
they didn't want Arnold...

- Ah, the Douglases, isn't
that the new white house

on the main road?

- Nah, it's an old crummy
place a half mile down that way.

- Aha.

- How 'bout your
groceries, mister?

- Oh, I forgot my shopping list.

I'll be back later.

- Give my regards
to the Bennetts.

Gee, that's a nice fella.

Well, better get going
and see if I can find the,

what was I looking for again?

- The bank robbers.

- Ooh, yeah, that's right.

Better drive over and
report to the sheriff and,

oh, I can't drive over.

- Why not?

- Well, the sheriff
took my truck away

when I smashed
into his police car.

- Okay, see if that
helped any, Arnold.

(snorting)

Hey, you're getting
your voice back.

Okay, now tell me what
the two crooks looked like.

One was short and
had a scar on his creek?

Oh, on his cheek.

Okay, now what did
the other guy look like?

Albert Schweitzer?

Who's he?

A fella with a lot of hair?

Look, you keep
trying to remember,

and I'll call the sheriff
and tell him you ready.

- Just a minute, kid.

(squealing)

- Not now, fellas, I
gotta call the sheriff

about the two guys
that robbed the bank.

- Not going anyplace.

- Holy smokes, you're the guys.

You're the guy with
the scar on his cheek.

And you must be
Albert Schweitzer.

- And you're Arnold Ziffel.

- No.

He's Arnold Ziffel.

- Yeah, sure he is.

Come with us, kid.

- But he is Arnold.

Arnold, tell 'em who you are.

(squeaking)

Fine time to lose your voice.

- So you're the only
witness to the holdup, huh?

- No, sir, I wasn't even there.

It was him.

But I can get him to
promise not to say anything.

- We're wasting our time, Danny.

Should I knock him off here?

- No, that wouldn't
be too smart, Charlie.

- No, I don't think
it would, Charlie.

- We'll take him with us.

We may need him to
get us by the road blocks.

- All right, kid, let's move.

- But.

- I said move.

- Arnold, Arnold.

- Eb.

- Arnold - Lisa.

- Is that you, Arnold?

- No.

- Sometimes you
sound just like him.

- Have you seen Eb?

- Why would I see Eb when
I was looking for Arnold?

- He was supposed to meet me out

in the tomato field an hour ago.

- Why did you want
Arnold to meet you?

- I didn't...

Look, did he come in for lunch?

- Eb or Arnold?

But it doesn't many
any difference,

because neither of
them came in for lunch.

- But where could that kid be?

- Well, maybe he drove
Arnold into the doctor's

for his throat.

- Oh, no, the car is here.

Well, hello, Sheriff.

- Hello, Mr. Douglas.

Whoa.

- That's a smart idea, Sheriff.

That way, nobody can
steal your typewriter.

- I'm looking for Hank Kimball.

- He was here
a little while ago.

- What happened to your hand?

- Mr. Kimball
stuck a badge in it.

- Oh?

He should've pinned it up here.

- He's got the keys for
these handcuffs, and I...

- How did you get
the hole in your shoe?

- Mr. Kimball
accidentally sh*t him.

- It's a lucky thing you
had your toes separated,

or you wouldn't be able to walk.

- Where'd Kimball go?

- He's looking for
the bank robbers.

- I hope they find him.

- We know who they are.

- You know who they are?

- Well, we don't know
personally, but Arnold does.

He saw them and he can
tell you what they look like.

- Who's Arnold?

- You sure you want to know?

- Of course.

- Well, I guess
after riding around

handcuffed to a typewriter,
nothing is gonna surprise you.

Arnold is a pig.

- A pig?

Oh, that really makes my day.

- Oh, we're glad to spread
a little sunshine on you.

- Lady, I don't, oh.

- When Arnold
gets his voice back

do you want to talk to him?

- Not particularly,
but if you see Kimball,

tell him to come
on over to the office.

- Oh, no, wait, let
me help you with this.

(grunting)

- Oh, by the way, would
you do me a favor?

- Yeah.

- Would you call
the phone company

and tell 'em to come
over and put my phone

back on the wall?

- You got it.

- Thank you.

- We should've told him
about Eb being missing.

- He's not missing.

He's probably
goofing off someplace.

- But I tell ya, I'm not
Arnold Ziffel, I'm Eb...

- Will you shaddup?

- Let's knock him off now.

- We need him, meathead.

- Yeah, you need me, meathead.

- Why you...

- We'll leave as
soon as it gets dark.

The dummy will drive
us through the road block.

- Which dummy are
you talking about?

Me or meathead?

- I oughtta...

- Let's go get something to eat.

I think we got some soup left.

- Hey, how 'bout me?

I'm starved.

(snorting)

Arnold, good boy.

Hey, you got your voice back.

Go tell Mr. Douglas I need help.

You're right, he wouldn't care.

You'd better tell Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh, Oliver, I'm worried.

It isn't like Arnold to run
off without leaving a note.

- How could he write a no...

- I wonder if they went bowling.

No, I don't think... (squealing)

Arnold.

You got your voice back.

Now where have you
been and where is Eb?

Eb is in trouble?

What happened?

- How would that dumb
pig know anything about...

(squeaking)

- You did it again
with your yelling.

He lost his voice.

- I didn't mean to...

- Oliver, he wants
us to follow him.

- No, no, I'm not
gonna follow...

- Eb is in trouble.

Arnold says he needs help.

- Arnold says...

- Oliver, if Eb is in
trouble, we got to help him.

Come on.

- Here's your lunch.

- It's about time.

What kind of soup is it?

- Tomato.

- I don't like tomato.

- Eat it.

- Have you got any croutons?

- Shut up and eat.

- Well, how can I eat when
you got my hands tied?

- Oh, all right.

Just don't try anything funny.

We'll be in the kitchen.

- Oh, for dessert, I'll
have some apple pie

and a glass of milk.

- Well, here we are.

- Here we are where?

- This is where
Arnold says Ebbie is.

- What would he be
doing in a place like this?

- Let's go in and see.

- Eb, what are you doing here?

- Eating lunch, I'm starved.

- They must have
awfully good food,

if you came all the
way out here to eat.

- Huh, it wasn't my
idea to come out here.

You see, these two
fellers made me...

- What two fellas?

- Those two fellas.

- Just everybody relax.

- Who are you?

- We're the fellas with the g*n.

- Those are the two
guys who robbed the bank.

- Well, thanks to Arnold,
we captured them.

- We captured them?

- Eb, where is the telephone?

I'll call the sheriff.

- Will you tell this dumb
blonde to sit down?

- You heard what he called me.

Hit him.

- He's got a g*n.

- That never used
to bother you before

when somebody called
me a dumb blonde.

- Lisa, please, look, you
fellas, you won't get away

with this, they're
searching this whole area.

- Danny, maybe this is the
time we outta make our move.

- Yeah, we got enough hostages

to get through 10 road blocks.

- Hey, the pig is getting away.

- So the pig's getting away.

All right, everybody
out in the car.

- Don't worry,
Arnold will save us.

- Are those the best
odds we can get?

- Will you quit muttering
and get moving?

Move.

Hey, Danny.

- All right, let's take
a shive into the dreriff.

- The dr...
- A drive into the sheriff.

What a day, I'm b*at.

- I don't know
why you're so tired,

It's Arnold who
did all the work.

- Where is the big hero?

- In the bathroom
brushing his teeth.

- Brushing... What
are you doing?

- I'm making up Arnold's bed.

- He's not sleeping in here.

He can sleep in the barn.

- Well, that's a fine
way to treat someone

who just saved your life.

Oh, Arnold, here is your bed.

Now tomorrow, we'll
drive in so you can

collect your reward money.

(snorting)

Isn't that nice.

He says he'll give you
$10 for picking up the g*n.

- He's all heart.

(lips smacking)

- He loves you.

("Green Acres" theme song)

This has been a Filmways
presentation, darling.