06x19 - The Spot Remover

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.*
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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06x19 - The Spot Remover

Post by bunniefuu »

(upbeat music)

- Just had to get
out of the house

before Fred and I got
into another argument.

- Oh?

What are you and
Mr. Ziffel arguing about?

- Television.

I wanna watch the
pro football reruns,

he wants to watch
the soap operas.

(audience laughs)
You know he's got a real

thing for the Adventures
of Prudence Pennypacker?

- Oh?

Who is she?

Is she a good one?

- Believe me, she's
no Joe Namath.

(audience laughs)

- Lisa, look what happened
to my new sport coat.

Hello, Mrs. Ziffel.

- Hi, Mr. Douglas.

- Oliver, it's not very polite

to schtand in
front of Mrs. Ziffel

in your naked shirt sleeves.

(audience laughs)

- Well, (laughs) I just
wanted to show you the coat,

the cleaners couldn't
get the oil stains out.

- No problem.

- No problem?

- Oh, nothing will get
the stains outta that.

What did you go,
fall in a salad bowl?

- I was checking
the oil in my car.

- Oh, you fell on the crankcase.

(audience laughs)

- No, I...
- Well what did you fall in?

- I didn't fall in...

- This should clean up
your coat in a schpickle.

- What is that?

- Uncle Boris sent it
to me from Budapest.

He discovered it,
it's a cleaning fluid.

I've been waiting for you
to do something schluppy

so that I could try it out.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, it's nice that you
finally came through for her.

(audience laughs)

- I wish you wouldn't
use that on my coat.

Lisa, don't!

That's cashmere, it costs...

- Well, here we are!

- Well I'll be, that's the
greatest thing I ever seen!

- I can't believe
it, it really worked!

Which is more than anyone
can say for your Uncle Boris.

(audience laughs)
(bottle gurgles)

(audience laughs)

("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading
out, so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

(cheerful music)

- [Narrator] And now
for today's episode

of Prudence Pennypacker.

(Arnold grunts)

Today's episode is not
recommended for children

due to its raw passion, and
highly provocative theme.

(Arnold grunts)
(audience laughs)

- Okay Arnold, into your room.

(Arnold squeals)
(audience laughs)

Don't argue with
me, a boy of your age

ain't ready for this
highly provocative stuff.

(Arnold squeals)
(audience laughs)

I don't care how
many Fellini pictures

you've seen, go to your room.

(Arnold squeals loudly)

- [Narrator] Are the
children out of the room?

- Yeah, hit me with
that raw passion.

(audience laughs)

- [Narrator] Now for
Prudence Pennypacker.

- Fred I got, oh,
are you looking

at that thing again?

- Now Doris, don't bug me.

I don't bug you when the
Green Bay Packers are on.

(audience laughs)

- [Narrator] You'll
remember that yesterday,

we left Prudence and
Carl Watson stranded

in Walker Cartwright's
mountain cabin,

huddled together in a blanket

to keep from freezing to death!

- Yeah, I remember, I remember.

(audience laughs)

Now doggone it, Doris,
you're gonna regret that.

Some day you and I will
trapped in a mountain cabin,

freezing to death, and
we won't know what to do.

(audience laughs)

- Fred, you know what this is?

- How do I know?

You drink something
different every day!

(audience laughs)

- This is cleaning fluid.

- When did you switch to that?

(audience laughs)

- It's cleaning fluid
Ms. Douglas give me.

I brought it home
so you could take

that spot out of the rug.

- Now you know
we've tried everything,

nothing's gonna
take that spot out.

- This will.

Come on, get going.

- Aw.

(audience laughs) (sad music)

- What's a matter?

- My w*r wound's acting up.

(audience laughs)

- Only time you was
wounded was when the MPs

threw you out of the bar.

(audience laughs)

- Now have a little
respect for my Purple Heart.

- I got as much respect
for your Purple Heart

as I got for your red nose.

(audience laughs)

- Now see here.

- Oh, gimme that.

(determined music)

- You're just wasting your time.

Nothing gonna
take that spot out.

Well, I'll be a dirty...

- You watch your mouth,
Arnold's in the next room.

(audience laughs)

- Let me see that!

This stuff is miracle.

(bottle gurgles)

(audience laughs)

(energetic music)

- Boy, I've been
waiting for this.

Just hope they sent
me the right size.

Ah, seven and an
eight, chestnut brown.

(goofy music)

(audience laughs)

It's a little slick, wonder
where I put my scalp rosin.

- Hi, Sam.

- Oh hi, Hank.

- How are things
to... Don't move, Sam.

(audience laughs)

- Hank, what are ya...

- No, Sam, back
off, I'll handle this.

- Whaddya think you're doing?

- Won't have to be
afraid of him anymore.

Or is it a her?

No, I don't think
caterpillars have any sex,

guess it wouldn't be much fun

to be a caterpillar, huh?

(audience laughs)

- You stupid, that's
my new toupee.

See?

- Tell you the truth,
Sam, probably look

better on the caterpillar.

(audience laughs)

- This is real hair.

It's the best toupee
money can buy.

- It is?

Let me see that.

- Let go of that, will ya?

- Don't worry, Sam, I can...

(toupee splashes)

- Right in the pickle barrel!

(audience laughs)
You dumb, idiot,

I never saw anybody
who would do a,

get out of my way, will ya?

(audience laughs)

Look at that, it's green!

- Yeah, good toupee
shouldn't do that.

Looks like you got
stuck with a lemon.

No, looks more like a lime.

(audience laughs)

- You miserable...
- Hi fellas.

- Oh hi, Fred.

- Sam, you been fishing?

- No.

- Where'd you get that seaweed?

(audience laughs)

- That ain't seaweed,
it's my new toupee.

- Oh, you got one in green, huh?

Well, weirder things
than that have caught on.

(audience laughs)

- It's green because
it fell in a pickle barrel,

it's ruined!

- Well, maybe not.

Mrs. Douglas has this
Hungarian cleaning fluid.

- He doesn't wanna
clean a Hungarian,

he wants to clean his toupee.

(audience laughs)

- It's the greatest
thing I ever saw.

Took a stain out of our rug
that's been there for years.

- Wonder if Mrs. Douglas
would lend me some?

(uncertain music)

(cheerful music)

(knocking at the door)

- Oh, Mr. Drucker,
come in, come in!

- Thank you.

- What can I do for you?

- Well, it's kinda personal.

- Oh?

Well my husband isn't home.

- Oh, well then maybe we
better leave the door open.

(audience laughs)

- Why?

How personal is it?

- Oh, it's not that
kind of personal.

- Why, Mr. Drucker,
you are blushing!

- Well...

- Come on, come
inside and sit down

and tell me all about it.

- Yeah, well you probably heard

that I don't have any hair.

- Yes, somebody told me that.

(audience laughs)

- Heck, a lotta
people say I'm bald.

(audience laughs)

- Well, you know
how people talk.

(audience laughs)

- There are times when a fella

wants to look younger,
so, well I bought this.

(Lisa screams) (audience laughs)

- There's nothing
to be afraid of.

It's a toupee.

- Oh?

It's a pretty color.

It matches your eyes.

(audience laughs)

- Well it's not supposed
to be this color.

You see it was chestnut brown,

but that stupid
Hank Kimball threw it

in the pickle barrel, and well,

this is the way it came out.

- How can I help you?

- Fred Ziffel said you,
"Had some kind of miracle

"cleaning fluid that might
take the green out of this."

- Oh, you mean my
Uncle Boris' schtuff!

- Your Uncle Boris?

- Yes, he invented it.

He's a genius, on
my father's side.

He sent it to me.

- Sure is powerful looking.

- Well it will clean anything!

- Even this?

(sustained accordion note)

- I can't believe it.

Is that the same green thing

that was swimming
around in the pickle barrel?

(audience laughs)

- It wasn't swimming.

- And all Mrs. Douglas
did was dip it in this, huh?

- Yeah.

It didn't even shrink.

(audience laughs)

- Howdy fellers!

- Oh hello, Haney.

- Well, little early to
be drinking, ain't it?

(audience laughs)

- That's not for drinking,
that's cleaning fluid.

- Oh, I've seen this
phony stuff before.

- Where?

- There.

(audience laughs)

- This ain't phony,
this is the greatest

cleaning fluid I ever saw.

- Yeah, took the big
stains out of Mr. Douglas'

sport coat, and the
spots out of Fred's rug,

and it de-greened Sam's toupee.

- I never heard of nothing
that'll clean a toupee.

- No?

Watch this.

(goofy music)

- Hey!

(audience laughs)

- Hank, what did ya...

Look at that.

- It's no worse
than it was before,

maybe a little more slimy.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, you...
- Hey, just dip it

in the cleaning solution!

- Nothing'll take that out.

- Would you like
to make a little bet?

- Yeah, I'll wager two dollars.

- You're on.

Sam, put up your two dollars.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not betting.

(laid back music)

- You owe Sam two dollars.

- Oh, well he didn't bet.

- Oh, then I guess I
owe you the two dollars.

(audience laughs)

- You don't owe him anything.

- Well it looks
like it's gonna be

a very spotty day, so I'll
take a bottle of that stuff.

- You can't buy it,
Mrs. Douglas uncle

makes it, and she
gave me this sample.

- Oh, I suppose
he has it patented.

- I don't know.

- How could he?

He lives in Hungary.

- Oh!

In that case, I'll
be running along.

(audience laughs)

(xylophone note)
(knocking on a door)

- Oh hello there, Mr. Haney!

- Mrs. Douglas if you don't look

as pretty as a
hummingbird perched

on a peck of peaches.

- Thank you.

Oh, you better put those flowers

in some water,
they look a little sick.

- That's cause I found
em in a hospital room.

(audience laughs)

They're for you.

- Thank you.

Mr. Haney, you have a
big schpot on your coat.

- I do?

Well how did that get there?

(audience laughs)

I don't suppose you
would have anything

that would clean it?

- As a matter of fact,
I have a wonderful

cleaning fluid that would
take it out in a minute!

- Oh, well now, I
don't wanna put you

in any trouble, why don't you

just give me the
formuler, and I'll

have it made up, and
then I'll clean it myself.

- Well I don't have the formula.

- Oh, who does?

- My Uncle Boris.

- Uh, well where could
I get in touch with him?

- Well he lives in Budapest,
but he disappeared,

and I don't know
where he is now.

- Hey, I didn't
realize it was so late.

I'll tell ya, if you don't mind,

I'll just take a small
sample of the fluid,

and then I'll de-spot
myself at home.

(bright music)

- Mr. Haney gave you those?

- Yes, aren't they beautiful?

- They weren't even beautiful

when they were alive.

(audience laughs)

- But anyway, it was
very nice of Mr. Haney.

- If he gave you
something for nothing,

there must have been a reason,

now what was he after?

- Nothing, all he wanted
was to get the schpot

out of his coat.

- Oh.

- He didn't even
want to bother me

to use the cleaning
fluid, he just wanted me

to give him the formula,
and he'll take it from there.

- The formula?

- I didn't have
it, so I made him

take a sample of
the cleaning fluid.

- You made him...

Lisa, you know what
he's going to do with that?

- He's going to
take his schpots out.

- He's going to
steal the formula!

He'll take it to a
chemist, have it analyzed!

- Mr. Haney wouldn't
do a thing like that.

(xylophone note)

- Why can't you analyze it now?

- I'm a pharmacist,
not a chemist.

- What's the difference?

Burt, I've got to have this.

- I can't do it now, this is
my busiest time of the year,

the virus season.

- Hey, maybe I could
make up the prescriptions

for you, while you're
working on this.

(audience laughs)

- Haney, just put it down.

I'll get to it as fast as I can.

(xylophone note)

- Hank, you've been
hanging around here all day,

aren't you supposed
to go to your office?

- I can't, I lost the key.

- Can't you climb in the window?

- No, I lost the ladder.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, of all the...
- Hello, Mr. Drucker!

- Ah Mr. Wilkins,
nice to see you again!

This is Hank Kimball,
our county agent.

- How do ya do?

- How do I do what?

(audience laughs)

- Still representing Household
Chemical Company?

- No, I'm with the
Department of Agriculture.

(audience laughs)

- Hank, sit down and be quiet.

- I have a whole new line
of household chemicals

that I think you'll
be interested in.

Here's a great new
mosquito repellent.

- Oh no, I don't
need any of that,

I still have 22 bottles
of citronella left.

- Hey Sam, this
is pretty good stuff,

it contains paramenthol
hydroformate.

- What's that?

- Citronella.

(audience laughs)

- What's this stuff?

- That's a new dry
cleaning fluid we're featuring.

Guaranteed to clean
practically anything.

- Oh yeah?

We'll see.

- Hank, don't! (audience laughs)

Oh, for the love of Mike.

(audience laughs)

- Let's see you clean that.

- I'm afraid nothing
would clean that.

- [Hank] Show him, Sam.

(intriguing music)

- That's amazing.

Where did you get it?

- Mrs. Douglas gave it to me.

- Yeah, her uncle invented it.

- Do you happen
to know what's in it?

- Three parts horseradish,
two parts paprika,

a trace of garlic, water,
a boiled potato, and...

- That don't sound like
no cleaning fluid to me.

- It isn't, it's cabbage soup.

(audience laughs)

- Cabbage soup?

- Yeah, the main ingredient
is shredded cabbage.

- Would this stuff
take out stains?

- No, the only
thing it's good for

is giving you heartburn.

(audience laughs)
(xylophone note)

- My company would be interested

if this cleaning
fluid is half as good

as everybody says it is.

- Normally, I'd be
skeptical of anything

my wife's uncle came up with,

but this really works.

- Well I saw what it did
for Mr. Drucker's toupee,

but does it take the
stains out of fabrics?

- Would you believe this jacket

had two big oil spots
on the sleeve here?

- Oil?

That's hard to believe.

- Would you believe ketchup?

- Ketchup? (audience laughs)

Oh!

- Lisa!

- Mrs. Douglas, this is
a very expensive suit!

- Don't worry!

How about a little muschturd?


(audience laughs)

- Lisa, you're...

- Coffee's very hard to get out.

(audience laughs)

Don't worry, I'll
get it out in schpiffy.

(audience laughs)

All I have to do is, uh-oh.

(audience laughs)

I used up all the
cleaning fluid.

Don't worry,
Mr. Drucker has some.

(xylophone note)

- I'm sorry Mrs.
Douglas, I used it all up

cleaning my toupee.

- Oh?

Why that's alright, I
gave some to Mr. Ziffel.

(xylophone note)

- No, I'm sorry, Mrs. Douglas,

I used most of it on the rug.

The rest of it I used
to get the chop suey

stains out of Doris' forma.

- That's alright,
Mr. Haney has some.

(cheerful music)

Mr. Drucker and Mr. Ziffel
didn't have any more left,

and I called Mr. Haney,
but he was out.

- What am I going to do now?

- Well, I could send to Hungary

and try to get another bottle.

- Mrs. Douglas, I have
a lot of calls to make,

and this is the only
suit I have with me.

- Look, Mr. Wilkins,
if you'll take it off,

I'll drive into
Pixley and have it

dry cleaned, right away.

- Oh well I don't have
any bathrobe or anything.

- Oh I've got a bathrobe.

Come on, you can
change in the bedroom.

Go on in there.

(xylophone note) (upbeat music)

(horn blares)

- Hello there, Mr. Haney.

What can I do for you?

- You can give me $73.

- What for?

- That's what it cost
to have that Hungarian

cleaning fluid analyzed,
as you suggested.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't suggest it!

- Well somebody did.

You know what that
so called cleaning fluid

turned out to be?

Cabbage soup!

- Cabbage soup?

No, it was cleaning fluid.

- Not according to
the $79 analysisis.

- I thought it was 73.

- Well, the other $6 was
for the bouquet of flowers

that I gave you.

(audience laughs)

- Well, why don't you talk
to Mr. Douglas about it?

- Why don't we settle for $16,

and just leave him out of it?

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Haney, I'm not going
to give you any money.

- Then you'll hear from my
solicitators in the morning!

(audience laughs) (goofy music)

- Oh, was that Mr. Douglas?

- No, it was Mr. Haney.

- Well he's been
gone almost two hours.

When will he get back?

- I don't know, but
it's too bad he went!

I could have made some
more of that cleaning fluid,

and taken the
schpots out for you.

- You know how to make it?

- I know now!

Do you know what it is?

- What?

- Cabbage soup!

(audience laughs)

- Cabbage soup.

- You see, my Uncle Boris
always used my Aunt Sophie's

cooking for his invention.

He said he, "Couldn't
eat her cooking,

"so he might as well
use it for something."

(audience laughs)

- That's very...

- Now I've taken my Aunt
Sophie's beef borscht,

Uncle Boris sold that to
take the rust out of pipes.

(audience laughs)

- Rust out of...

- I should have known
the cleaning fluid

was from something to eat.

Cabbage soup, I have my Aunt
Sophie's recipe here somewhere.

Do you want to help me make it?

- No, I think I'll
just go back in

and see a little
more television.

(audience laughs)
(cheerful music)

(laid back music)

(scary music from the TV)

(door crashes down)

- Sorry Mr. Douglas,
I... Who are you?

- My name is Wilkins.

- May I ask what you're
doing in the master's bathrobe,

lying in the master's
bed, and what have you

done with the master's mistress?

- I haven't.

- Where is the master?

- Well he's up at Pixley
for a couple of hours.

- And you thought you'd
sneak in and take over?

- No, I...
- You cad!

(audience laughs)

- You don't understand.

- Oh no?

I've seen enough of
those X-rated movies

to know what's
going on around here.

(audience laughs)

Well you're not gonna
break up this marriage,

no matter how unhappy
the participants are!

(audience laughs)

- Now look...
- Out!

- Now see here...
- Outta here!

And if I ever catch
you around here again,

I'll thrash you within
an inch of your life!

(audience laughs)

- Where is Mr. Wilkins?

- The less said
about him, the better.

(audience laughs)

(intriguing music)

- Did you get
Mr. Wilkins' suit clean?

- No, the dry cleaner
was afraid to touch it,

he said he, "Couldn't
touch the spots

"without ruining it."

- Good!

I'll clean it!

- How?

- In the cabbage soup.

(Oliver screams)

- What are you doing?
(audience laughs)

- Cleaning Mr. Wilkins' suit!

- In the cabbage soup?

- That's the formula
for the cleaning fluid.

- Lisa, what are you...

- Aunt Sophie made cabbage soup

and Uncle Boris sold
it for cleaning fluid.

- I'm gonna have to buy
Mr. Wilkins a new suit!

- He is not here, he left.

- I wonder where
he could have gone?

(xylophone note)

- Alright, why
were you wandering

around the countryside
in your bathrobe?

- I told you,
because Mr. Douglas

took my suit to be dry cleaned.

- Why would he do that?

- I went out to the Douglas farm

to see about this
miracle cleaning fluid.

- And you drank
some? (audience laughs)

- I didn't drink anything.

- Okay, then what?

- Mrs. Douglas
squirted ketchup on me,

then smeared my
suit with mustard,

poured coffee on me,
then when she went

to find the cleaning
fluid, there wasn't any left.

- Because you drank it all.

(audience laughs)
- No!

- Then why were you
wandering around in a bathrobe?

- Because this kid found
me lying on the master's bed,

accused me of hanky-pankying,
and threw me out!

(audience laughs)

- Would you mind
walking this line?

- Sheriff, I am as
sober as you are.

Now why don't we go
out to the Douglas place

and you can
corroborate my story?

- Just walk the line.

(audience laughs)

(intriguing music)

- The story Mr. Wilkins
told you was true.

- Certainly sounded
as if he was...

- Now I don't blame
you for thinking

he was a little.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Douglas, did you get
my suit back from the cleaners?

- They wouldn't touch it.

- But I cleaned it in
the cabbage soup!

- Did she say cabbage soup?

- Yeah, but it's
really cleaning fluid,

but you make it
like cabbage soup,

or you make the cabbage
soup like the cleaning fluid.

(audience laughs)

You see, once she
gets started with this...

- Take a look at
this, Mr. Wilkins.

- I don't believe
it, it's like new!

- My Uncle Boris
might be interested

in making a deal with your
company for the formula,

if I can find him.

- The only thing I'm
interested in right now

is getting dressed
and getting out of here.

- And I better get
back to my office.

- Oh yes, say, I'm sorry for
the inconvenience, Sheriff.

Thank you very much for coming.

Lisa, from now on...
- Let go of me!

- Mr. Douglas, I
hate to tell you this,

but I found this
guy in your bedroom

putting his pants on!

(goofy music)

- Lisa, you need
anything from Drucker's?

- Let me just see, I...

You're not going to the schtore

with that hole in
your coat, are you?

- What hole, oh!

(audience laughs)

That's the place
where the oil spot

was that you
cleaned with that junk!

- Junk?

It worked fine, the
schpot isn't there.

- The hole is, that
cleaning fluid is...

- You know Oliver, I read
that's the same schtuff

my Uncle Boris
used during the w*r

to burn holes in the tanks.

(audience laughs)

- Do you realize
you gave that stuff

to practically
everybody in town?

- Oh, I don't think it
will do any damage.

(xylophone note)

- Dory, what are you
doing down there?

(audience laughs)

- I fell through the floor!

- I told you you been
putting on weight.

(audience laughs)

- Drum it, this is the place

I cleaned the rug!

(xylophone note)

- [Hank] Sam?

Sam?

- Whaddya want now?

- You better let me
put your head out.

(audience laughs)

- What?

- It's smoking.

Well not smoking,
more of a forest fire.

(audience laughs)

Or it was.

(audience laughs)

Boy, I'm never gonna
eat any of your pickles.

(audience laughs)

That juice is m*rder.

(xylophone noise)

- It was really
remarkable, it took spots

out of my suit that
you wouldn't believe.

Yes, I definitely
think the company

ought to investigate it.

Yes, I'll go back
to the Douglas'

and get some kind of
option on the formula.

Okay, bye.

(goofy music) (audience laughs)

("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)

- [Lisa] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
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