01x10 - Eggs Anyone?

[bunniefuu]

Pinky, Chester... Thomas?

(MAKING BUZZER SOUND)

What's all this?

Kristian said he could name
all the animals from memory.

I was close.

Oh, please! That's easy.

Chester, Lester, Annie,
Sammy, Harry, Hank,

Jerry, Muffin, Bella, Buster,

Daisy, Poppy, Smokey, Molly,
Squash, Smudge, Pinky,

Charlie, Alfie, Oscar, Hope,
Tuppence, Mister Meowsly,

Captain Barkley, Randolf the Gray...

Coco, Apricot,

Bear, Birch, Just Aaron, Free Billy,

Tammy, Greta, Whiskers, Sally,

Turbo and Oliver Wendell Needs-a-Home.

Whoa.

She did it.

That is spooky.

Okay. Ah, we should get back to work.

I just need to talk to...

Oh my God.

Paul.

Paul! Of course. Duh.

I just blanked.

Not with the animals.

I have a lot going on.

♪ I don't lose my cool ♪

♪ I love to call you mine ♪

♪ And whenever I'm with you, my baby ♪

♪ I keep my Fahrenheit ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah I never lose my cool ♪

Oh, my God, Jody!

You're gonna be a mama?

An a-mah-mah-mahzing mama!

I'm going to throw you
the bougiest baby shower.

Ooh! We'll play Guess the Baby Food.

So classic.

Oh! Anyway, great news.

Love you. Bye.

Hey, stranger. What brings you by?

Just wanted to drop these off.

Oh! Qu'est-ce Que c'est?

Almond espresso chocolate granola bars.

Aww.

You said the ones you liked

at the cafe were sold
out, so I made some.

Thanks. That's very sweet.

And maybe we could
do something next week?

I mean, no presh, you know?
Keepin' it loose.

Well, we'll see how good these bars are.

But, yes, that would be fun.

Careful! There's quarters in there.

Max likes to call them "money bars".

Mmm...

♪♪

NIKKI: Okay, bye. Gotta go.

KRISTIAN: I think we got
a freeloader at the counter.

Kick her out.

Yeah, I would, but I tweaked my wrist

and if things escalate...

(GROANING)

Can I help you steal something?

Was just looking for an adoption form.

Sorry, you look suspicious.

Get it all the time.

- Me, too.
- And I do steal.

Me, too. Sweet jacket.

Found it on the bus.

Huh.

You know, you are the spitting image

of a young Wynonna Judd.

I saw her live once.

Not singing. At the KFC at the airport.

But, man, what a head of hair.

Thank you. I'm a stylist.

Cuts by Colleen, established .

I'm Nikki. Established
"none of your business." Ha.

So, what are you
lookin' for, critter-wise?

(SCOFFING) I'm open.

As long as it doesn't
smoke Du Maurier menthols.

That's what my ex smoked.

Does he live in Winnipeg and
sh**t ducks on the weekend?

No, but that sounds awesome.

No offense.

Well, it was for a couple years,

but doing my own thing now and

I'm looking for some compan-ay.

I mean, I'm pretty free if you...

You mean animal company. Duh.

Who knows? I'm an impulse shopper.

You know, these boots?

I got them at the Calgary Stampede

after-hours saloon gift shop.

Love a good boots buy!

You know, I can look
at animals any time.

Do you wanna go play some pool?

Depends. You good?

I'm an aggressive loser.

Same.

Let's do it.

A long lunch is my brand.

Hey, Joy. What you readin'?

The latest Princess in the Field.

Are you a Fieldy?

Umm, no?

It's a whole series.

I started them when I was eight.

I bet your daughter would love them.

Well... she's .

Actually, no, she's next week.

Oh, my gosh! ? Oh...

I loved being . (SIGHING)

Didn't you just turn ?

Mm-hmm.

So, what are you doing for her birthday?

Nothing. She hates my guts.
Haven't spoke in years.

Oh, no!

Then, maybe this is
the perfect opportunity

to turn things around.

Nah. I mean, I used to send her stuff.

One year I even went big -

fifty bucks and a coupon to paintball...

But she just sent it back
cut into little pieces.

Maybe if you sent her something

more meaningful, you know?

Something that says,

"I know you; I see
you and I get you, Joy."

Sounds like you think about this a lot.

Someone in my family has to.

♪♪

Sarah Lasky called.

She was raving about
senior pets' therapy.

Senior pets or senior people?

Both. The goal is that
they time-out together.

Well, the board's loving your
programs. Keep it up. Oh!

And I need to borrow a
puppy for the weekend.

Ah, we don't lend puppies.

Then, kittens.

Something small, messy, helpless.

What's going on?

I need to practice... something.

Caring. Nurturing. (SIGHING)

Hugh and I are thinking
of having a baby...

Oh, Liam! Keep it down.

We are so going to celebrate on Sunday.

- Bring mimosas.
- Sorry?

You forgot.

No. Sunday. Mimosas...

Brun...

Brunch! Yes.

Couples' Brunch, your place.

I've already got baby brain.

Oh, it's not a Couples Brunch.

Isn't Freedom coming?

Jeffrey? We are not a couple.
We're just hangin'.

No strings attaché.

Right, because you're
still playing the field.

That's right. Lock up your boyfriends.

Not you, personally, unless
that's what you're into.

Inappropriate, Ross.

♪ ...Show me how to love ♪

♪ I don't wait around... ♪

Now we're gonna have to take
the photo all over again.

Relax. It's better than last year's.

Aunt Peggy!

Hi, dear. Look at her eyes.

Uh, I don't see them.

PEGGY: Because she's
rolling them back in her head.

- I was tired.
- More like hungover

from day drinking with your new gal pal.

You're just lucky I didn't pass

out from your Ruffles perfume.

That's your father's
favourite and without it,

- you wouldn't be here.
- Ugh!

You're welcome for the drive!

What's with Russ's thumb? What?

It's just... It looks a bit like a...

you-know-what 'cause of where

it sticks out of his pocket.

(GASPING) Russ, honest to God,

between the two of them...

Well, I should get back to it.

Listen, um, I didn't really come

here just to give Nikki a lift.

Oh, I've said you can
use the washroom anytime.

No, it's just...

I was talking to Judy from church

and she thinks she saw your mom

the other day, here in town.

My birth mom?

Well, it wasn't my sister.

If it was, she owes us both a call.

Wow.

I'm sorry. I wasn't sure
if I should say anything,

but you'd mentioned it before.

No, I just thought it might be

better to leave it in the past,

but, um...

Sure. Well...

call if you need anything,
okay? We love you, sweetie.

Love you, too.

(GASPING) Honestly, Russ.

It's like a p*rn magazine.

Check it out - Ella's birthday package.

Oh, my gosh! What did you get?

Well, uh, an emergency flashlight for,

like, emergencies and... Okay.

...ah, printing paper for printing.

- A socket set?
- Not a complete set, but close.

Okay. Great effort.

But Ella might want some fun things.

What? Like a meat smoker?

Or twinkle lights.

And instead of sandpaper,

you know, fuzzy slippers. And... ooh!

Get her some SweeTARTS.
I love SweeTARTS.

And a grown-up would want these things?

I know how busy dads get

organizing flashcard tournaments

and only taking the
winner to McDonald's.

So, if you want to give me the address,

I'll print a cute little label
and even perfume the inside.

You've already done the hardest part.

What's that?

Accepting help.

I never said yes.

Yeah. Dads never do.

Ah, don't brush from the roots.

You're gonna give him split ends.

I don't think Buster is
worried about split ends.

My friend, Colleen, gave me some tips.

She's a hairdresser.

Well, I will be sure to get her

number if I ever need a perm.

I'm only half kidding;

had a great perm in high school.

You're thinking about
my perm, aren't you?

A little.

Hey, you have a real
mom and a fake mom, right?

Well, biological and
non-biological mother,

if that's what you mean.

Why? What's going on?

I don't know. (SIGHING)

Look, Shannon's birth
mom is also a hairdresser.

And you think she might
get along with Colleen?

No, I think Colleen might
be Shannon's birth mom!

Peg said she was back in town.

It's a big town.

They both have the same job,

same hometown, both moved to Winnipeg.

And Colleen talked about leaving here

because of a big
mistake thirty years ago.

Okay, so Shannon's birth mom,
who she's never met,

just happens to walk into the
very shelter where she works?

Uh, we rescued a rabbit once,

then rescued its mom the
next day, so not impossible.

I just think you shouldn't get

her hopes up without more proof.

It's a huge deal.

It's just Colleen's super cool,

and it might be kind of amazing

for Shannon to find out
she has a super cool mom.

Who wouldn't want that?

Well, me, because then,
I'd have three moms,

which is a lot.

♪♪

This salmon is wonderful.

Yeah. Middens went crazy over it.

Not the piece you're eating.

I only left the room for a minute.

'Kay.

What's um... what's this?

Oh! I'm throwing a
baby shower for a friend.

I didn't know the sex,
so I got boy and girl stuff,

and then I realized that's so binary,

so I went with more of
a pony theme instead.

Oh! We could throw a joint
baby shower, you and Jody!

You know, I'm sorry.
I don't think I can, um...

Right. Jody's a lot.
She really takes over a room.

No, it's just I...

I'll be back.

- Hugh?
- (DOOR OPENING)

Is he okay? (DOOR CLOSING)

Oh, fine. You know the English!

No.

(SIGHING) We lost our egg donor.

Oh, Liam...

It's fine.

It's not a disaster!
We still have our surrogate.

Right! You've got the
oven, just not the... yeast?

The point is, you'll get there.

You guys are gonna be great parents.

Ah, Hugh wants this so badly.

And I don't want to
be old with no legacy.

I mean, there's my condos,

but those seem different somehow.

Yeah, they are.

I just wish there was something

I could do to help you guys.

Well, we're still waiting
to hear from the clinic

on other options.

Oh! My eggs. Please, have some.

Wow, Shannon. Thank you, but no.

Oh, come on, I've got dozens.

Oh! Right. Eggs.

Oh, my God! You thought
I meant different eggs.

No!

I haven't even cracked one
of those open myself, so...

Exactly. And these look so...

devilish.

Wait, when you thought I was
offering you my actual eggs,

were you saying that
you didn't want them?

Mmm. Smoked paprika, love it.

So, what happened?

Oh! I forgot I had treats in my pocket.

No, the package. What did Ella say?

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah. She loved it.

Oh, my God! Did she call you?
What did she open first?

I would've gone straight for
the marshmallow face mask.

No! The glitter fanny pack.

Did she cry? I would have cried.

All of it. All of it.

She said I was the father of the year.

That's sweet, huh?

She didn't respond, did she?

Look, Joy, I-I appreciate
you trying to help,

but I wasn't a great dad

and one package isn't
going to change that.

Yeah, but it was a beautiful gesture

and she can't even say thank you?

It's really no big deal.

Oh, no? Because a
lot of people would die

if they got something
that special, okay?

Not to sound dramatic,
but they... would... die.

Okay. Well, thanks for the help.

I'll, uh... I'll get back to it.

(SIGHING)

It's lame, but official BS.

I get it. Nothing worse being
stuck caring for something

- before you're really ready.
- Yeah.

You know much about that?

Man, I am loving the sparkle eyeshadow.

Thank you.

Ah, so, ah... can you
describe your place?

Big? Small? Do you live with family?

Well, I'm staying
with friends in Stipley.

Haven't actually seen it in the day,

but it's pretty chill,
and there's a Jacuzzi.

Nice.

Hey, you should come by!

So down. (CHUCKLING)

And, uh, you looking for an

animal for any specific reason?

Is there an emptiness in your life?

Anything you can trace that back to?

No. Nothing comes to mind.

What about kids? You
get along with them,

or is it more of a, 'Ew, kid,
get away', type of deal?

Somewhere in the middle, I guess?

Okay, let me rephrase.

You know how you said you made
some mistakes in Hamilton?

Hey, we all have things in our past.

For sure.

Maybe even one big
one, like years ago?

I'm sorry?

Whatever. Just asking standard
questions about adoption.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. I have to go.

Uh, Colleen, wait!
I didn't mean to upset you.

And I am down for the Jacuzzi,
if it's still a thing!

♪♪

So, he thought you were
offering him your actual eggs?

What did you say?

What could I say, except the truth?

I don't want to have kids with them.

Yeah, I don't want kids, either.

What?

Oh, except for Max, of course.

That's why I had a vasectomy. You did?

Yeah. I mean, Kate and I always

knew we were one and done.

Oh, wow.

Is that a problem?

No! No. We should, ah...

We should toast - to your V-Day!

I feel like this is a problem.
Do you want kids?

Why are we even talking about this?

Who wants to watch some TV?

What are we thinking? Comedy? Drama?

I've heard good things about Borgen.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, no. It's, um...

It's... it's not for...
it's-it's a game.

Is this part of the game?

Oh, ignore it. It's...
it's for a friend.

It's a girl.

Here.

Oh, no, seriously. I'm fine.

I just love learning so
many things about you.

Today, I learned that
you're allergic to shellfish

and you had a vasectomy.

So, does that include shrimp, or...?

I-I had no idea having children

was so important to you.

It's not. No, no.

Listen to my words, not my tears.

Now, who is ready for a drama
about the Danish parliament?

I know that I am. (SNIFFLING)

♪♪

Still nothing?

Oh, ah, no news is good news.

That's unacceptable.

You know, in my house, we have

to write thank you cards,

even when your sisters
get Taylor Swift tickets

and your present is to
drive them to the concert

'cause if you don't, you hear about it,

and Ella needs to hear about it!

Ah...

I never sent the package.

- What?
- Yeah.

I-I didn't know how
she was going to react

and I didn't want to
make things worse, so...

Oh.

So, if you have any harsh words,

you should probably save 'em for me.

Right.

No need for anyone to strongly
reprimand Ella in writing.

That would be a mistake.

Like putting an apple
core down the sink,

which I also did not do.

Right.

You were wrong.

I know.

The split ends on Buster are crazy.

No, Colleen is Shannon's birth mom.

Whoa. What'd you tell Shannon?

Nothing. I don't know what to say.

Oh, man. This is Gregory all over again.

My birth dad.

I thought he was a sperm donor.

He was. Is.

But I like to imagine who he could be -

how he talks, laughs,
lights his cigarette,

or maybe he drives a pickup,
and he's probably a hunter,

which I-I don't agree with,
but we'd respect each other.

Your moms know who he is?

They do, and I could ask them,

but that would be the end
of Gregory as I know him.

Or pretend to know him.

Maybe you should tell Shannon.

It's just, Colleen may
think that I'm her daughter.

Why would she think that?

What? I'm not cool
enough to be her daughter?

I don't really know her.

And neither does Shannon,

and maybe we should keep it that way.

I'm going for a walk.

Good news - we're getting a Best

of Barton Street Top Ten Award.

Really?

Well, I'm getting the award,

but you did all the work,
so, it's like it's ours.

Hm. At least we can display it here.

Eventually. But this is for you.

Oh. Thanks.

And sorry about brunch
and the whole egg thang.

It's okay. You know, TBH,

when the donor fell through,
I was actually sort of...

relieved.

You don't want to have kids?

I was... meh.

But now, the thought of a
little Hugh running around

gets me kind of excited.

Totally. My friends are all
having them and it's great,

but then the other day I was thinking,

"Oh my God! What if I never have any?"

And then I found
out that Jeffrey isn't...

- Straight?
- No. Able to.

He had a vasectomy.

Ouch. Well, good thing it's casual.

Yeah. Just wish someone had
told my tear ducts that.

Oh, no.

But I don't need to be thinking about

having kids right now;
I've got plenty of time!

Ish. I want to go on a trip?

Bam. Sailing around Anguilla.

Can't head to a SoHo bistro
with a four-hour tasting menu

and a baby on my hip, am-I-right?

Right. Yeah, we... you deserve all that.

And in years, I'll get back to it.

After the bedtime stories
and the soccer practices

and the sticky little fingers
all over my glass side table.

Ah! Look at us! Both so lucky.

Ah.

Did you give me yours?

Probably. I was almost done.

No, no, no. I sent the letter
from Hamilton to Kitchener.

It's very important
you don't deliver it.

Because I'm a doctor and
those test results are wrong

and will k*ll them
instantly if they open it.

Hey, Joy.

It's too late now. They're dead.

(SIGHING)

Okay, I sent a strongly
worded letter to Ella.

I tried to get it back,

but she's very good at hiding online.

I guess she learned
something from the old man.

Don't joke. I need to stop
her from getting that letter.

This one?

Oh, my gosh. What did she say?

Nothing. I guess she moved.

No forwarding address.

Oh, Paul...

It's fine.

I read the letter.

Said some really nice things about me.

And you called Ella

"an unforgiving, heartless bitch."

I'm sorry. I was processing
some of my own stuff there.

It's okay.

You're a good kid.

Your parents should be proud.

Oh! And, uh, check your desk.

(GASPING) Oh, my gosh! Paul!

I love it.

Oh.

Why does it smell like tick repellent?

Oh, well, I didn't have any perfume.

That's fine. Oh, wow.

Hi! Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm, um, looking for Nikki.

Aren't we all?

She's probably on her fifth
break or a third lunch.

Kidding.

Have a tip for you -

little less shampooing would
take care of that frizz.

- Excuse me?
- Sorry, I'm a hairdresser.

I can't just walk by a train wreck

without at least trying to help.

- Okay.
- Anyway...

can you give Nikki a message?

- About my hair?
- No.

Can you tell her that it
was great to meet her,

and, um,

I might not be ready
right now, but, uh, ah,

when I am, I hope that we can reconnect.

Okay. And, uh... and you are?

Ah, right.

It's so complicated.

Okay, I'm not sure. Uh...

Seriously?

Well, just tell her Colleen.

The ever-so-helpful hairdresser.

(SIGHING)

Ah, so? What do you feel like?

There's a craft beer place
doing a guest chef pop-up

and I think tonight's
Korean BBQ? Could be fun.

Yeah. I'm up for
anything... in every way.

Awesome!

In fact, I was doing some reading,

and did you know that it's super-easy

to get a vasectomy reversed?

We're talking day surgery, safe, fast.

Oh! That's, uh, wunderbar,

but I hope you're not thinking about...

No! No. Just making casual conversation.

Good.

I know I've been sending mixed messages,

but I'm def not ready for kids

or even getting serious right now.

We're on the same page, right?

Oh! Absolutely!

Phew! So, ah, where are we off to?

Well, why don't we start
with cocktails at Bar Sazerac

and just see where the night takes us?

Um...

Jeffrey, you...

You didn't get your
vasectomy reversed, did you?

No! That would be crazy.

How could I have done it so quickly?

There would have to
have been a cancellation

and I would've had to know
someone at the clinic.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey! Sorry I missed you yesterday.

Did you get my message about Colleen?

What?

She came by. I texted you.

So, you met her?

- Yep.
- And?

Somewhere between a B-word and

the next letter of the alphabet.

She's your birth mum.

Who is?

Colleen. But to be fair,

I'm pretty sure she thinks she's my mum,

which would be kind of awesome,

but she's not; she's yours.

(LAUGHING) Okay. Uh, no.

I know the odds are small, but...

Nikki, trust me.
My birth mom's name is Lizzy.

Oh. Yeah. It's fine.

But Colleen did say that you were great

and it was fun to connect and

she'll call you when she's free.

Or when she's ready.

Uh, Nikki, this form
for Elizabeth Marsh,

is she getting a cat or a turtle?

Who's Elizabeth Marsh?

Ah, sorry - "Colleen Elizabeth Marsh."

Oh.

Elizabeth?

Lizzy.

Hope my dad's nicer.

♪ Let's shake it up ♪