02x03 - Waldorf Salad

[bunniefuu]

Oh, it's a lovely part
of the world, isn't it?

All those beautiful trees and fields
and variety of birds.

Yes, that's true.

And you can just go there
and get away from it all,

away from the helter-skelter
of modern life.

Because we all do need our
solitude, don't we?

Yes, we do.

I mean, nowadays,
it's not easy to find the time to...

I don't know... Enjoy life.
Because there's always things to do.

It's all so hectic, isn't it?

All of us just rushing around,
letting things get on top of us.

And quite honestly, what's the point?

- Have you finished?
- Um, yes.

Thank you.

I think those prawns might be a bit off.

Oh, I don't think so.

They do taste rather funny.

No one else has complained.

Well, I really do think they're off.

But you've eaten half of them.

Well, I didn't notice at the start.

You didn't notice at the start?

Well, it was the sauce. I wasn't sure.

So you ate half to make sure?

My wife thinks they're off.

Did you want another first course?

No, thank you.

- Are you sure?
- No, really. Just the main...

We'll just cancel it.

Deduct it from the bill,
is that what you mean?

- As it's inedible.
- Only half of it is inedible, apparently.

Well, deduct half now, and if my wife

brings the other half up during the night,

we'll claim the balance in the morning.

Now, we'd like our lambs, please.

Three we know have passed on this year,
all in their early 60s, so, I've cut out butter.

SYBIL: And I tell you...

Here. Thank you.

No, really... It's all right.

But it's all gristle!

No, honestly.

Oh, there's a nice bit, see?

Oh, Doris, it's awful!

No, dear, it's not as bad as that.
I've had worse.

I don't know how they get away with it.

Everything all right?

- Yes, thank you.
- Thank you.

Everything to your satisfaction?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Thank you.

Why don't you say something?

There's no point, is there?

We just won't come here again.

Then I'll say something.

It won't do any good.
We're leaving tomorrow.

Well, I'm going to.

I mean, we've been sitting here waiting
for nearly half an hour, and it...

- What's this?
- Sí?

I ordered the cold meat salad,
and I've been waiting about half an hour for it.

- Salad?
- Yes.

You want change?

No, I don't want to change...

- Okay.
- Where are you going?

I don't want this.

You say you no want change.

I want the salad.

Honestly. Go on.

Oh, excuse me.

- Yes?
- We've been waiting for about half an hour now.

And I gave the waiter our order...

Oh, him. He's hopeless, isn't he?

I don't wish to complain,
but when he does bring something,

- he's got it wrong.
- You think I don't know?

You only have to eat here.
We have to live with it.

I had to pay his fare
all the way from Barcelona,

but you can't get the staff, you see.
It's a nightmare.

You were supposed to be complaining to him.

Ah.

- Sorry about that.
- Thank you.

(LAUGHS) Extraordinary!

- Excuse me.
- What?

Look!

Thank you so much. Enjoy your meal.

You haven't forgotten our lambs have you?

No, they're coming!

(COUGHS)

Excuse me.

There's sugar in the salt cellar.

Anything else?

I put it all over the plaice.

All over the place?
What were you doing with it?

All over the plaice!

Polly, would you ask Terry not to finish yet?
We need another one of these. There's sugar in it.

- What a sweet plaice.
- What?

I'll have it re-placed.

Why is there sugar in this salt cellar?
What do you think we pay you for?

My staying power?

- The lambs?
- Yes, I'm getting them, I'm getting them.

Uh, excuse me.

Do you think we could
cancel our fruit salads?

Well, it's a little tricky,
chef's just opened the tin.

- Oh.
- Never mind.

I'm sure it'll be very nice, thank you.

- There we are.
- Oh, thank you.

Yes, I do like really beautiful places...

Busy this evening, isn't it?

I'll tell you one of my favourites.

I said, "It's busy this evening."

I'm talking to Mr Libson, Basil.

Good, well, that's a help.

I'm sure you can cope.

Oh, yes, I can cope, dear. Coping's easy.

Not pureeing your loved ones,
that's the difficult part.

(BELL DINGS)

Did you know, Bidiford Bridge
has all different sizes...

There's someone at reception.
Should I get it?

- Yes.
- My turn, is it? Fine.

Oh, yes. So it is.
Funny it's been my turn for 15 years.

Still, when I'm dead, it'll be your turn, dear.
You'll be it.

Excuse me. There are two lambs here.

- I'll have them removed if they're bothering you.
- What?

Yes?

Good evening.

Are those ours?

Not yet. Good evening.

I reserved a room by telephone
this morning. Mr And Mrs Hamilton.

Indeed, yes, I remember it well.
Ah, excellent. Hamilton, yes.

That's right.

May I welcome you to Fawlty Towers.
I trust your stay

will be an enjoyable and a gracious one.

Could we have those now?

Oh, by all means.

- Finished with them, have you?
- Absolutely.

Bon appetit.

(SPUTTERS)

I recommend the self service here.
It's excellent.

- That'll be all.
- What?

Your lambs are getting cold, Mr Johnston.

Colder.

If you'd like them warmed up...

Forget it!

You could get your wife to sit on them.

I'm so sorry,
but the rubbish we get in here.

If you'd be so very kind as to fill that form out.
Mr And Mrs Hamilton...

Ah, yes, we've put you in room 12
which has a charming panoramic view

overlooking the lawn.

What a drive, huh?

Everything on the wrong side
of the road, the weather...

What do you get for living in a climate like this,
green stamps? It's terrible!

Sorry about this.

Took 5 hours from London,
couldn't find the freeway.

Had to take a little back
street called the M5.

Oh, I'm sorry if it wasn't wide enough for you.
A lot of English cars have steering wheels.

They do, do they?

You wouldn't think there
was enough room for them inside.

(CLEARS THROAT) See what I mean?

- What?
- Rub-bish.

May I introduce my husband?

All the rubbish we get in here.
Look at that.

- Basil.
- More rubbish, dear.

- What?
- More of that.

Polly and Manuel are going, Basil.

Just dealing with Mr And Mrs Hamilton, dear.

- Good evening.
- BOTH: Good evening.

Manuel!
Manuel will bring your bags to your rooms.

I hope you enjoy your stay and...

Thank you.
Do we need to reserve a table for dinner?

- Dinner?
- Yes. Problem?

- Well, it is after 9:00.
- So?

Well, we do actually stop serving at 9:00.

9:00?

If you could go straight in...

We've driven five hours to get here.
We'd like to freshen up,

have a drink first, you know?

- You couldn't do that afterwards?
- Do what?

You mean have our
drink-before-dinner after dinner,

freshen up, and go to bed.

If you could,
it would make things easier for us.

Shall we go to bed now,
would that make it easier for you?

We're a little tired, fella.
We want to clean up, be down in a few minutes.

Yes, but the chef does
actually stop at 9:00.

9:00! 9:00!

Humph!

So why does your chef stop at 9:00, huh?
He got something terminal?

No, but that's when he, in fact, stops.

Uh-huh. Now, look,
we drove from London to stay here, right?

Are you telling me that you can't stay open
a few minutes longer

so that we can eat properly?

Well, we can do you sandwiches.
Ham... Cheese...

- We want something hot.
- Toasted sandwiches?

- You're joking?
- Not really.

"Not really." Can you believe this?
What the hell's wrong with this country?

Can't get a drink after 3:00, can't eat after 9:00!
Is the w*r still on?

No, but it's the staff, you see.

- We have to get the staff...
- How much?

How much of this Mickey Mouse money
do you want

to keep the chef on for half an hour?
One, two, three... £20, huh?

That enough?

- I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks.

Uh, excuse me. Perdón! Perdón!
Excuse me, please!

This way! Por aquí. This way, please.

Gosh, that does look
absolutely marvellous, doesn't it?

Oh, um, Terry, I almost forgot.
Some guests have just arrived,

right at the last moment, as usual.
I'm sorry, but this puts us out

just as much as it puts you out.

It don't put me out, Mr Fawlty.

No, but they want some dinner,

and they insist first
on scraping off some of the filth

that somehow got caked to them
cruising down the M5.

Well, I got my class tonight, Mr Fawlty.

- I'm ready, Terry!
- Right-o, Poll.

No! Wait!
Did I say I will make it up to you?

- Out of my own pocket.
- It's not the money, Mr Fawlty.

My karate means a lot to me.

Half an hour's overtime and a taxi.

Mr Fawlty, if I miss a week,
next week I don't get out in one piece.

An hour's overtime.

Sorry, Mr Fawlty.

What am I going to say to them?

Two hours.

- What?
- Two hours overtime.

I thought you said it wasn't the money.

It ain't, but I can't think
what to say to your guests.

Terry, I'd pay you two hours overtime
if I could afford it!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Sorry, Mr Fawlty.

An hour and a half.

- Cash?
- Cash.

An hour and a half, but I go at half past 9:00,
then I still get some of me class, right?

And I do the washing up?

You know how it is, Mr Fawlty.

Yes, I pay you for an hour and a half,
you clear off after half an hour, that's how it is.

That's socialism.

Oh, no, that's the free market.

Come on, Terry.
Musn't keep the lady waiting.

- The lady?
- From Finland, Mr Fawlty, very pretty.

Tall, blonde...

This Finnish floozy
is your karate teacher, is she?

Well, it's a sort of karate, ain't it?

- Right, give me that.
- What?

I pay you overtime to miss a class,
not to keep some bit of crumpet hanging around.

No, it's all right! I'm washing up,
I'll do the cooking, too.

Go off and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about me.
Go have a good time. I'll be all right.

Go and have a bit of fun with a Finn!

Come on, Manuel!

Where are you? Polly? Where...
Hey, wait for me!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

If you'd care to sit over there.

Thank you.

Good evening.

- Evening.
- Good evening.

Is your room to your liking?

- Yes, it's very nice.
- Very nice, thank you.

Oh, good.

I'll get you tonight's menu.

Oh, would you care for a drink
before your meal?

Scotch and water and a screwdriver, please.

And for you, madam?

The screwdiver's for me.

I see. Um, would you like it now,
or after the meal?

Now, please.

There's nothing I can put right?

- What?
- Absolutely.

So it's one scotch, and a screwdriver.

I think I'll join you.
Make that two screwdrivers, would you?

You'd like a screwdriver, as well?

You got it.

So, it's one scotch,
and you each need a screwdriver.

No. Forget the scotch. Two screwdrivers.

I understand,
and you'll leave the drinks.

- What?
- Nothing to drink.

What do you mean, "Nothing to drink"?

Well, you can't drink the
screwdrivers, can you?

What else do you suggest
that we do with them?

Vodka and orange juice.

Oh, certainly, madam.

Make that two and forget
about the screwdrivers.

- You sure?
- We can manage without them.

As you wish.

"Relax in the carefree atmosphere
of old English charm..."

Shh!

- "When you're there..."
- Shh!

Hope we're not intruding
on your dinner hour.

Oh, not at all, no.

You're American.

That's right.

Where are you from?

- California.
- How lovely.

You're English, though.

Yes, but I've been over there 10 years now.

10 years. Do you ever get homesick?

Oh, yes, but I love it there.
The climate's so wonderful.

You can swim and sunbathe,
and then after lunch,

drive up into the mountains and ski.

How wonderful.

I like England and the English people,
but I sure couldn't take this climate.

Harry finds it too gloomy.

Oh, I don't find it too gloomy.
Do you, Sybil?

Yes, I do, Basil.

My wife finds it too gloomy.
I find it rather bracing.

What do you find bracing,
the damp, the drizzle, the fog?

It's not always like this. It changes.

My husband's like the climate. He changes.

This morning he went on for two hours
about the bloody weather.

(LAUGHING)

Yes, it has been unusually damp
this week, in fact,

but normally we're rather spoiled down here
on the English Riviera.

Mr And Mrs Hamilton were
telling me about California.

You can swim in the morning,
and then in the afternoon,

you can drive up into
the mountains and ski.

Must be rather tiring.

Well, one has a choice.

I don't think it would suit me. I like it down here.
It's very mild all year round.

We have palm trees here in Torquay.
Do you have palm trees in California?

Burt Lancaster had one, they say.
But I don't believe them.

What the hell is that?

Vodka and orange juice.

- Orange juice?
- I'm afraid it's not fresh.

- Isn't it?
- No.

We've just opened the bottle.

Fresh means it comes out
of an orange, not a bottle.

You'd like freshly squeezed orange juice.

As opposed to freshly
unscrewed orange juice.

Leave it to me.
I'll get chef onto it straightaway.

Sorry about that. A lot of English people

are used to the flavour of the bottle.

It's all right. It's just that back home,
fresh orange juice comes like running water.

Does it really?

It's so good for your skin, isn't it?

I'd love to go to California someday.
Looks so exciting.

Never Love a Stranger. Do you like it?

I love all Harold Robbins.
I've read this one three times.

The Pirates is his best.
I read them when Harry's away.

I don't have the time when he's home.

Who needs Harold Robbins
when you got the real thing?

(LAUGHING)

How long have you been married, Mrs Fawlty?

Oh, since 1485.

There we are. Fresh orange juice.

Thank you.

But seriously, though,
his men are all so interesting.

Ruthless and sexy and powerful.

Who's this then, dear?
Proust? E.M. Forster?

- Harold Robbins.
- Yes, of course.

My wife likes Harold Robbins.

After a hard day slaving under the hair dryer,
she needs to unwind with a few aimless thrills.

Basil!

Have you ever read any?
It really is the most awful American...

Well, not American... Transatlantic Tripe.
A sort of p*rn muzak.

Still, it keeps my wife off the streets.

We both like him.

Oh, oh, R... Robbins?

- What?
- Harold Robbins?

I thought you meant that awful man...
What's his name? Ah... Harold Robinson!

Have you read any Harold Robinson?
Ah! Painful!

How about Waldorf salad?

Was that one? You're absolutely right.
That was a shocker!

Could you make me a Waldorf salad?

Waldorf salad.

I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

- I don't believe this.
- It's not very well known here, Harry.

May I recommend tonight...

I'm sure your chef knows
how to fix me a Waldorf salad.

I wouldn't be too sure of that.

- He's a chef, isn't he?
- You wouldn't prefer...

Just go see if he knows how
to fix me a Waldorf salad!

(STUTTERS) Of course, yes.

He's not positive... He's almost got it.

It's lettuce and tomato...

No, no! It's celery,
apples, walnuts, grapes!

In a mayonnaise sauce.

Incidentally, he did ask me to say

that he does especially recommend
the pate tonight.

- I don't want pate.
- Or the grapefruit.

The grapefruit, how's it done?

Well, it's halved, with a cherry in the...

- Centre.
- Look! I haven't paid you £20

to have some guy cut a grapefruit in half
and stick a cherry in the centre!

- Exactly.
- I want a Waldorf salad!

Absolutely. One Waldorf salad.

And a green salad for me.

One green salad.
And if we can't manage the Waldorf salad?

I want a Waldorf salad! And to follow,
a couple of filet mignons!

- Steaks!
- Steaks! Done rare! Not out of a bottle!

Not out of a bottle, right.

Would you care to see the wine list?

Thank you.

May I ask, did you say you paid £20?

Yes. But it's, uh... Not the money.

My wife and I, we wanted dinner and...

This can't be right.
There's no reason chef couldn't stay.

I'm awfully sorry. He's forgotten already.
Uh, walnuts, cheese...

No! No cheese!

It's celery, apples, walnuts, grapes!
In mayonnaise!

Right! Now, come on!

Uh...

Would you excuse me one moment?

Uh, excuse me.
Bottle of Volnay, please.

Of course. Thank you.

What's this about £20, Basil?

There's no celery! Would you believe it?

I'll find the celery. What about this £20?

He gave me £20 to keep the kitchens open...
Where does he put things?

- If you'd just look.
- I have looked!

There's no celery, there's no grapes.

Walnuts! That's a laugh! Easier to find a packet
of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce

than a walnut in this bloody kitchen!

We've got apples.

We'll have an apple party.
Everybody brings an apple

and stuffs it down somebody's throat!

Basil, I will find everything.
Just get a bottle of Volnay.

What's a Waldorf, anyway?
A walnut that's gone off?

It's the hotel, Basil.
The Waldorf Hotel in New York.

(SNAPS FINGERS) Wait! Wait.

Basil!

Everything all right?

Yes, thank you.

- Never been better.
- Oh, good. And by the way, I wonder,

have you by any chance tried a Ritz salad?

- Ritz salad?
- It's a traditional Olde English thing.

It's apples, grapefruit,
and potatoes in a mayonnaise sauce.

No, I don't think I ever tried that.
Don't think I ever will, either.

That's probably pretty sound.
About this Waldorf salad of yours...

- Yes?
- Been having a bit of a tete-a-tete with chef.

We're all right on the apples,
absolutely no problem with them at all.

Now, on the celery front, uh...
Perhaps I should explain,

we normally get our celery
delivered on a Wednesday,

along with our cabbages,
onions, walnuts, grapes...

- But this week, the driver...
- Mr Fawlty...

- He was putting...
- I'm not interested.

He slipped forward and the van door
caught his arm and may have fractured it.

You don't have it.

We'll know tomorrow if they'll have to operate,
and to cut a long story short,

we don't have any, no.

But, um...

So, makes you think how lucky you are!

Doesn't it? I mean, here we all are,
with all our limbs functioning.

If you've got your
health, what else matters?

What a bunch of crap!

Oh, do you think so? I always feel...

What the hell's going on here?

It says hotel outside!
Now, is this a hotel or isn't it?

Well, within reason.

You know something, fella?

If this was back in the states,
I wouldn't board my dog here.

Fussy is he? Poodle?

Poodle?

I'm not getting through to you, am I?

I stay in hotels all over the world.

This is the first time I've had to bribe
a chef to cook me a meal,

then find out he doesn't even have
the g*dd*mn ingredients!

Holy cow, can't you see
what a crummy dump this is?

You listening to this, are you...

I'm talking to you!

- Terry, you can get out...
- Shut up and listen to me!

This ain't good enough!

Then you give me some half-assed story
about some delivery guy busting his arm.

Look, Fawlty, if your chef couldn't find
the ingredients from that guy,

why didn't he get them from somebody else?

- Exactly. Hopeless.
- What?

- Completely hopeless.
- Right.

You're the manager, aren't you?
You're responsible.

- So what are you going to do about it?
- I'll have a word with him.

Have a word with him?
Man, you gotta tell him, lay it on the line!

Lay it on the line.

Say if he doesn't get on the ball,
you're gonna bust his ass!

- Bust his?
- I'll tell him!

No, I'll tell him! Leave it to me!

I've got it. I've got it.

- Bust his?
- Ass!

Oh, that!

And two green salads.

Here we are.

One green salad, and one Waldorf salad.

- But I thought, uh...
- Yes?

(BELL DINGS)

Would you excuse me one moment?

BASIL: It's not good enough!
Do you hear me? Not good enough!

(BASIL MIMICKING TERRY)
Mr Robinson hurt his arm!

BASIL: That's a bunch of arse!

It's fine.

Why can't you make a Waldorf salad?

- Waldorf salad?
- Yeah.

BASIL: Tomorrow you get the ingredients
for a Waldorf salad,

or I will break your bottom!

(MIMICKING TERRY) Oh, no! You can't!

BASIL: No, I mean it!

Everything all right?

- Yes, thank you.
- You're sure there's nothing...

- No, it's very good.
- Oh, good.

Oh, um...

Your chef.
Has he been with you long?

About six months.
He used to work at Dorchester.

At the Dorchester?

No. In Dorchester, about 14 miles away.

Here we are. Two green salads.

- Basil.
- Yes, dear?

Mr Hamilton has his Waldorf salad, dear.

No, chef couldn't make it.
Didn't have the ingredients.

I just smashed his backside about it.

But there it is.

What?

There's the Waldorf salad.

- Chef found the ingredients.
- It's fine.

Well, if he found the ingredients,
why didn't he tell me?

Has he been struck dumb?
Somebody torn his tongue out

- in the last two minutes?
- Maybe Robinson's arm got better?

Ha ha! Ha ha!

I'm sorry about this.

It's all right.

- No, it isn't.
- It doesn't matter.

- It matters to me.
- I got my Waldorf salad.

- Excuse me.
- For God's sake!

- Chef, what's this?
- SYBIL: Bring that back!

I'm so sorry. I'll get it back for you.

BASIL: Sorry? I'll give you sorry!

- Get off your knees!
- SYBIL: Basil!

I haven't finished with chef yet, Sybil.

Why didn't you tell me you found them,
you stupid cow?

Eh, chef? I haven't finished!
You can have it in a...

(BASIL GROANING)

Sorry about that little confusion.

Chef hasn't been with us very long.
We've just reorganised the kitchen.

Thank you.

Oh, you haven't got your wine yet.

Basil! Won't be a moment! Basil!

Yes, my sweet?

Mr And Mrs Hamilton haven't got their wine.

- Fine.
- And, Basil?

Has chef put the steaks on yet?

I'll tell him.

Is your husband all right?

Oh, yes. He's just had rather a long day.

There's just the two of you here, right?

We haven't had a proper
holiday for eight years.

Eight years?

Yes. I have to get away occasionally
just for a few hours.

Even if it's just down to the hairdresser,
or a round of golf,

or a bridge evening with some of the girls,
drive in the country sometimes,

just on my own.

Pop down to Cornwall for the day sometimes.
It's beautiful there.

Your Volnay, sir.

You must visit Cornwall while you're here.

Incidentally, I've been talking to chef,
and we've sorted out what happened.

Um, apparently he thought that he'd, uh...

- That's very nice. Thank you.
- Got two orders for waldorf salad,

and in fact, he had the ingredients,
until he made one,

he realised that he didn't have enough
for the second.

Don't let it bother you.

This will explain everything.

- What's that?
- A letter.

- A letter?
- A letter from the chef.

It explains everything.

Letter from the chef.

He wanted to apologise personally,
but I didn't want him wasting your time...

Look, forget about it, will you?

- I'll read it for you.
- I want my steak!

Won't be long. Um, "Dear Mr And Mrs Hamilton,
I hope you are well.

"This is just a brief note to say
that I take full responsibility

"for the dreadful mess-ups tonight.

"If I'd only listened to Mr Fawlty,
none of this fiasco would have occurred.

(CHUCKLES) "I'd like to tell you
that such a cock-up

"has never occurred in my career before,
and now everything has been sorted out,

"I'll be back to my very best form."

Signed, Terr... Aw...

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

BASIL: What are you doing?
What do you mean, you've b*rned it?

- I've had just about enough of this.
- Harry...

BASIL: How could you forget about them?

(MIMICKING TERRY) I was making
another Waldorf.

Making another Waldorf salad?

What are you making
another Waldorf salad for?

Careful, I'm only a little fella!

What do you think
Mr And Mrs Hamilton must think...

Mr Hamilton, may I introduce Terry...

Where did he go?

Where's he gone? Did you see him?

Maybe he went to get something to eat.

- Come on, honey.
- What is it, Harry?

- We're leaving.
- What's happened?

I'll tell you later.

Yes, your steak will be ready in a moment.

He must have heard you coming,
panicked, and run out into the yard.

You know, after all the problems. We've...

Humph!

- How big a Butterball do you take me for?
- Butterball...

You think I don't know
what was going on out there?

Oh, bit of a debacle.

I'm talking about you taking £20 off me
to keep the chef on, letting him go,

cooking the meal yourself,
then pretending he's still out there!

- Oh, that.
- Yes, that!

What have you got to say about it?

- Good evening.
- I asked you a question.

I'm sorry that your meal
has not been satisfactory this evening.

Huh! What I'm suggesting is that this
place is the crummiest, shoddiest,

worst-run hotel in the
whole of Western Europe!

No! No! I won't have that!

There's a place in Eastbourne...
What's its name?

And that you are the British tourist
board's answer to Donald Duck!

Look, I know things have
gone wrong this evening,

but we've had thousands
of satisfied customers...

All right, let's ask them, huh?

- What?
- Let's ask them.

Are you all satisfied? Are you satisfied?

Major, are you satisfied?
You've been here seven years.

Oh, yes, I am...

- Ladies, are you satisfied?
- BOTH: Yes, thank you, Mr Fawlty.

- Thank you for asking.
- Not at all.

- Mr Arrad, are you satisfied?
- Well, yes.

- Mrs Gurke, you?
- Oh, yes.

You see? Satisfied customers.

If this little hotel is not to your taste,
then you are free to say so, that is your privilege.

And I shall of course refund your money.
I know how important it is to you Americans.

But you must remember that here in Britain,
there are things we value more,

things that perhaps in America
you've forgotten about,

but which to we British
are far, far more important...

- I'm not satisfied.
- Wh... What?

I'm not satisfied!

No, we're not satisfied!

Well, people like you never are, are you?

What?

There's nothing I could do
to please a pair like you

short of putting straw in the rooms.

You're the rudest man I've ever met!

I haven't started yet.

And you're not going to.
You'll stand here nice and quiet

while these people say
if they're satisfied.

Move off that spot and I bust your ass!

- Everything's bottoms, isn't it?
- Yes, sir?

I think this is probably the worst hotel
we've ever stayed in.

The service here is an absolute disgrace!

- I agree.
- You do?

Yes. We had to wait nearly half an hour
for our main course,

and when it arrived, it was wrong.

I complained, but he fobbed me
off with some rubbish about...

My prawns were off.
When I told him, there was an argument.

And her meat was awfully poor.

And I asked you to fix my radiator three times,
and nothing's been done!

Satisfied customers, huh?

(LAUGHING)

Hot dog.

This is... typical.

Absolutely typical.

The kind of...

Arse!

I've had to put up with from you people!

You ponce in here expecting to
be hand-waited on hand and foot!

I'm trying to run a hotel here!

Have you any idea
of how much there is to do?

Do you ever think of that?

Of course not! You're too busy
sticking your noses into every corner,

poking about for things
to complain about, aren't you?

Well, let me tell you something!

This is exactly how n*zi Germany started!

A lot of layabouts with nothing
better to do than to cause trouble!

I've had 15 years of pandering to the likes of you,
and I've had enough! I've had it!

Come on, pack your bags and get out!

- They're packed.
- Order 10 taxis, will you? I'll pay for 'em.

- Come on!
- What?

Everybody out! Come on, upstairs!

Pack your bags! Adios! Out!

- But it's raining!
- You should've thought of that before.

Too late now! Come on, out!
Raus, raus, raus!

Basil! What are you doing?

Well, let me explain, my little work horse.

The guests and I had a bit of a chin wag.
And the upshot is, they're off.

- Off?
- Let me put it either they go, or I go.

Right! Right! Come on, everybody!
My wife's had a better idea.

I'm going instead! Well, goodbye, dear.
It's been an interesting 15 years,

but all good things must come to an end.

I hope you enjoy your new work here,
helping to run a hotel.

Goodbye, Major. Goodbye, ladies.

Give my regards to Polly and Manuel.
Bye, dear.

You've forgotten your keys, Basil.

So I have, dear. Goodbye, the rest of you.

I hope you enjoy your stay here.

Any complaints.
Don't hesitate to tell my wife.

Any hour of the day or night, just shout.

- Bye!
- ALL: Bye.

10 minutes? That'll be fine.

(ALL MURMURING)

Hello, dear, I'm back.

What do you want, Basil?

A room, please.
Number 12 is free, I think.

Now, I'd like breakfast in bed
at half past 10:00 in the morning.

That's eggs, bacon, sausage, and tomato
with a Waldorf salad.

All washed down
with lashings of hot screwdriver...