01x34 - Goodbye Old Paint

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gilligan's Island". Aired: September 26, 1964 – April 17, 1967.*
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Series follows the comic adventures of seven castaways as they try to survive on an island where they are shipwrecked.
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01x34 - Goodbye Old Paint

Post by bunniefuu »

["The Ballad Of
Gilligan's Isle"]

¶ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started from
this tropic port ¶

¶ Aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was
a mighty sailin' man ¶

¶ The Skipper brave and sure ¶

¶ Five passengers
set sail that day ¶

¶ For a three hour tour
A three hour tour ¶

¶ The weather started
getting rough ¶

¶ The tiny ship was tossed ¶

¶ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The ship set ground
on the shore of this ¶

¶ Uncharted desert isle ¶

¶ With Gilligan ¶

¶ The Skipper too ¶

¶ The millionaire ¶

¶ And his wife ¶

¶ The movie star ¶

¶ And the rest are here
on Gilligan's Isle ¶¶

I wonder who painted this.

Skipper. Professor.
Mr. Howell.

Not guilty.

Thurston, it's certainly
vaguely familiar.

How come nobody admits
to painting it?

Skipper, Ginger, Professor,
Mary Ann, they all deny it.

Can you blame them?

There's no doubt,
but it's abstract.

- It's ridiculous.
- It's scary.

Nincompoopers!
It's upside down.

Now, look.

It's painting, not on me.

- Who are you?
- I am Dubov.

What are you doing
on this island?

First thing tell you
to get off.

Thurston,
it is impossible.

Well, it's incredible,
but it is entirely possible.

Of course, it's possible.

Taking boat
and Dubov waving goodbye.

No, no. You don't understand.

We're considering the
possibility that you are

the Alexandri Gregor Dubov.

Is there another
Alexandri Gregor Dubov

in whole world?

- Hardly.
- Then I am me.

Now, Dubov turn around,
count three, everybody gone.

[counting in Russian]

- Everybody still here.
- Of course, we're still here.

Don't you see, we're shipwrecked
on this island.

- We can't get off the island.
- You can swim it.

- Five hundred miles?
- Try backstroke.

Is very relaxing.

No, you don't understand.
Eccentric yes, but not mad.

Long ago the art world
decided Dubov was

shall we say,
a little far out.

That's good way to say it.

You know Dubov.
Dubov don't know you.

I am Thurston Howell III,
world famous man of wealth

and this lovely creature
beside me

is Mrs. Thurston Howell III

world famous patroness
of the art.

- Who are you, skinny kiddo?
- I'm Gilligan.

Then may be you can
answer question.

What is that called?

Looks like
hard boiled eggs.

Peasant! It is
scrambled eggs.

Little girly.

Little girly, little girly!

My name is Mary Ann.

- Very beautiful name, Marushka.
- Why don't you use it, please?

- You mad on Dubov?
- Well, who isn't?

Everybody mad on Dubov?

You've been pushing everybody
around. What do you expect?

They don't like it,
why they don't go?

Mr. Dubov, there is no way
off this island.

- Dubov have way.
- You do? How?

Dubov don't talk
on empty stomach.

Seconds, thirds and fourths
coming right up.

- Now, Dubov is done.
- Never seen anyone eat so much.

Was not even hungry.

Tell us how to
get off this island.

We looked all over the island.
We couldn't find a boat.

- Don't have boat.
- Then you can't get off.

- Can get off.
- How?

- By boat.
- You don't have a boat.

Have transmitter, call boat.

You've got a transmitter?

- Don't I just said that?
- Yeah, where is it?

- At cave.
- Where's the cave?

- If I tell, you come?
- Of course.

- You too?
- Sure.

Then I don't tell.

Dubov, we've gotta be able
to use your transmitter.

- To call boat?
- Yes.

- No.
- No?

Yes, no.

Ten years ago,
Dubov don't like critics.

Dubov don't like people,
Dubov don't like Dubov.

So come to island.

I think you're a real nice guy.
Don't you Professor?

He's one of the most charming,
likeable people I've ever met.

Where's the transmitter?

When Dubov is ready,
Dubov call boat.

I should think after 10 years
you'd be more than ready.

You know when is right time?

When Dubov look
on painting and say

"Dubov, you are ready."

- Dubov, you are ready.
- Dubov is ready...to take nap.

Hello and goodbye.

- Sure, don't be friendly.
- If you wanna be friends, fine.

- Good.
- Just don't order me around.

- You sure got nice place here.
- Thanks.

- Is now Dubov's.
- Is now what?

Going to take short nap
for 10-12 hours.

Call me when it's time
for breakfast.

- Listen, you, weasel, I--
- Hey, Skipper.

- Not now, Gilligan. I'm busy.
- Please, Skipper.

Gilligan, it'll have
to wait whatever it is

'cause I'm gonna throw this
big ape out on his ear.

- Be nice to him.
- Better listen to him, fatso.

- Fatso?
- 'Skipper.'

Would you mind stepping outside
for just a moment.

Alright, Professor,
but you better be here

when I get back, Dubov.

Don't worry. Dubov gonna be here
when you don't come back.

- Oop!
- Watch your head, roly-poly.

- What is it, Professor?
- Skipper, Skipper.

We've got to be
nice to him.

Give me
one good reason.

He's got a transmitter.

- Well, that's a good reason.
- Yeah.

Control yourself.
Control yourself.

I'm smiling.
Look. I'm smiling.

Are you sleeping?

Of course, I'm sleeping,
Mr. Howell.

Who could stay awake
on this nice hard ground?

But he's sleeping.

Hand me all your..
shiver your timbers!

Anytime you're through,
Captain Bligh.

I must have been dreaming.
Is it morning?

No, it's the middle
of the night

but the sun
is about to shine on us

thanks to my sneaksmanship.

I don't get it.

I think Mr. Howell means that
he's got an underhanded plot

to get that transmitter
away from Dubov.

Yes, and the beauty of this plan
is its simplicity.

The more simple the thing is,
the more beautiful it is.

- I must be gorgeous.
- Never mind him, Mr. Howell.

First of all, we've got to get
Dubov to paint a new painting.

What good will that do?

I must admit Mr. Howell,
it's a very good question.

- Thanks, shall I ask again?
- No, you don't have to.

Because I'll give
you the answer.

When he finishes the painting,
we'll rave about it

we'll fight over it,
we'll bid millions for it.

And he'll think that he is
the greatest artist

in the whole world.

I get it, that way
he'll wanna be rescued.

And he'll be convinced that the
world is ready for Dubov again.

Can he paint my picture?

No, the world isn't
quite that ready.

Well, Mrs. Howell too, she says
Dubov never never paints people.

- A-ha, but he'll paint Ginger.
- Yeah. No, she's people.

He'll paint Ginger, believe me,
according to the Howell plan.

You wanna go to sleep?
Just take that, that's it.

- Nighty night.
- Goodnight.

- You sure Picasso paint you?
- He pestered me for months.

Chagall painted you?

How could I say no
to that darling little man?

Okay, girly, you don't be
painted till Dubov paints you.

Sorry, not interested.

Do you hear what she said?
She's not interested.

- That's what she said.
- Why you don't be interested?

Because, Mr. Dubov,
I'm a movie star

and I have to be careful
about my image.

Dubov will make you even more
famous than-than-than Mae Busch.

- Who?
- Mae Busch. Krasavitsa.

There is a hot potato.

Besides, I promised
Salvador Dali

that he could be next

and everybody says
that he's the most.

You know what I say about
Salvador Dali, I say phooey.

Well, I'll be sure
to tell him.

Okay, girly,
if you don't pose for Dubov

Dubov gets mad
and when Dubov gets mad

he don't eat, he don't sleep
he sometimes even kills himself!

I wouldn't want you
to do that.

Good. On your feet.

Now, we must think of pose
for girly to paint.

Well, the photographers say
I look my best like this.

No good.
No good.

Let me think.
Idea's coming.

Idea is coming.
Idea is coming.

Idea is here.
Belly dancer.

- Belly dancer?
- Da!

Well, I don't care if you're
Leonardo da Vinci.

I'm not posing
as a belly dancer.

What's wrong
with belly dancer?

I happen to be an actress,
not a stripper!

Who said stripper?
Belly dancer.

Ginger, he means Bali.
Bali dancers.

The island of Bali.

Well, why didn't
he say so?

Like I say,
belly dancer.

[singing in Russian]

¶ We'll do it
all over again ¶¶

Don't peek.

I merely wanted to know
how it was getting along?

If you want to know how it's
getting along, ask Dubov.

- How is it getting along?
- I don't tell you.

Oh, poo!

[singing in Russian]

- Hi, Gilligan.
- Hi. What's this stuff?

It's pretty good.

Gilligan,
that's paint thinner.

¶ Lada da da gee ra la ra rum ¶

Hey!

- Dubov takes nap.
- Can I rest too?

I don't care what you do.
Picture is finished.

Help, help, somebody unbend me.

(Mary Ann)
I think he's through.

[indistinct chatter]

I've never seen
anything like that in my life.

I'll k*ll him. Just give me
two minutes and I'll k*ll him.

A week and a half
I posed for tha-that thing.

- Out of my way, Mr. Howell.
- You got to remember our plan.

I'll k*ll him first, and then
I'll remember your plan.

We've got to convince him that
painting is absolutely great.

That will take
an academy award performance.

Listen, all of you,
remember to play the parts.

I think it's absolutely divine,
perfectly fascinating.

I've never seen anything like it
and that's the truth.

What superb artistry!

Why that painting
must be worth a fortune.

- I bid $100,000.
- I bid $200,000.

I wouldn't sell it for $300,000,
I'd burn it first.

Let's hear it for the artist.
Hip, hip.

(all)
Hurray!

- Hip, hip.
- Hurray!

[all cheering]

Dubov take bow,
sign autographs later.

Maybe I'll let ladies
kiss hand of genius

then send for boat
and let world see painting.

Mr. Howell, you were right.

Your underhanded plan
worked just great.

You mind repeating that,
skinny kiddo?

Sure, Mr. Howell's underhanded
plan worked just great.

Oh-ho! A plan.

Dubov have a plan too.

Send you the bill.

Dubov say pooh
on you people.

- Pooh on you people.
- I know, I know, I know.

- Pooh on you Gilligan.
- Say that again.

- Pooh on you--
- Get out you!

- Morning, Mr. Howell.
- Ah, good morning, Gilligan.

Look what I found in the jungle.
The picture Dubov did of Ginger.

What a way
to start the day.

Yeah. Hey, Mr. Howell, I'm sorry
I ruined your underhanded plan.

Oh, that's alright,
Gilligan, my boy.

You're a real nice guy,
forgiving and forgetting.

That's the motto of
the Howell Mortgage Company.

If you can't forgive
or forget, foreclose.

We made a lot of money.

Mr. Howell, is this really
supposed to be Ginger?

Now what you see is, this is
the Ginger that we don't see.

It's the turmoil,
the seething passion.

Sort of thing like that.

What he has painted here is what
we might say the inner woman.

Oh, yeah. I kinda see
her lungs and appendix now.

I can see that you're not
a devotee of modern art.

When I was in third grade

I painted like that
and they flunked me in art.

It's hardly
the same thing.

You see what Dubov
has painted here

is a great color composition,
his great freedom of expression.

He actually soared.

What he has is the ability
to remain unencumbered.

- What?
- Unencumbered.

- Don't you paint unencumbered?
- Sure, I can draw radishes too.

Naughty, that's naughty..

You say that you flunked art
in the third grade?

- Twice.
- Help me to lose no track.

- It might work!
- What?

You stay here and I'll enlist
the aid of the others.

Don't go away,
Gilligan, my boy.

Girls, it is I,
Thurston Howell III.

- 'Come in.'
- Come in. You heard that.

I don't know.
I-I guess it's possible.

Keep calm, my boy.
Chicanery is afoot.

- Who?
- Ho-ho!

What? Are you out of your
cotton-picking mind, Howell?

Alright, alright.
The Navy..

Probably believes in flogging
in the sails.

That man is a hard sell,
a hard sell.

I'll do whatever I can.

Just show me a loophole,
Professor, show me a loophole.

I do admit that setting
Gilligan up

as a rival genius
would upset him

and could probably lead him
in our direction.

Did I hear you say Gilligan
as a rival genius?

That's right. Gilligan, you're
gonna do an abstract painting.

- I am?
- And Dubov will scoff at it.

He's pretty good at scoffing.

We'll admire it and hail it
as an artistic triumph.

Mr. Howell, I think Dubov
will think you're crazy.

On the contrary, Gilligan, if he
follows his pattern and he will

his next move will be to get
the art critics of the world

to decide which of you
is the master painter?

How're you gonna get the
art critics here on the island?

Well, he can't. So he'll use his
transmitter to send a message.

A boat will come, and presto,
we are off the island.

- You forgot one thing.
- What's that?

What if he doesn't get back?

- He shall return.
- He's a very stubborn man.

He just might..

[sniffing]
He's so..

[sniffing]

Hmm, that sure
isn't paint thinner.

It's turtle soup laced
with clam sauce and shrimp.

Smells great.
Can I help you fan it?


Oh, I'm not trying
to cool it off.

- It sure looks that way.
- I'm just creating a breeze.

Why?

Because we don't
have a telephone.

- Because we don't have a what?
- Gilligan, stand back, please.

I can't get
my message through.

I-I've heard sending messages
by drums and flags

but never by waving soup.

Ah-ha! My message has been
received and answered.

- Hi, little buddy.
- Hi, Skipper.

- And how's it going?
- Okay, I guess.

- You haven't even started yet.
- I know.

Well, why not?

I just can't seem
to get in the mood.

Oh, Gilligan, you don't have
to get in the mood.

Just put something on the canvas
and we'll do the rest.

It's not that easy.

How did your third grade teacher
get you in the mood?

She used to sing to me.
Do you know

¶ Jack and Jill
went up the hill ¶¶

I know Jack and Jill,
Gilligan, for goodness sake

will you paint, so we can get
that transmitter?

- What should I put on there?
- Well, a leaf, a tree, a bush.

Anything. What difference
does it make?

Maybe makes no difference to you
sailors, but to us artists..

Gilligan!

- I know, I'll paint you.
- Me? Of all the crazy ideas.

It's very hard
to get in the mood.

- Okay, I'll pose. You win.
- Pose like Ginger.

That's silly.

Very, very hard
to get in the mood.

Pose like Ginger.

Well, you know
what I feel like?

Do you know
what you look like?

Gilligan, never mind,
just paint.

No. You're not the dancer type.
You're more like a sailor.

Do the sailor pose, Skipper,
like this.

Yeah, now lift
the other foot.

If I lift the other foot,
I'll fall on the ground.

You never know, Skipper. Why
don't you just try? Just lift--

Gilligan, would you get behind
that easel and paint?

- I'll paint you from memory.
- Yes, from memory.

Yes, Gilligan. It's me
and it's very funny.

Here, Skipper,
let me take it off.

Gilligan, will you stop that?

Here, Skipper, I'll be
done in a minute.

It's all done.

- That's me?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Uh-huh.

Nincompooper,
it's upside down.

Oh, you old scoundrel,
I know what you're up to

but you're not gonna
get away with it.

Get away with what,
Mr. Man of Wealth? Phooey!

Selling your
second-grade paintings

and holding out
on your masterpiece.

- Dubov do that?
- That's exactly what you did.

Alright, alright. Tell me,
how much is it worth?

Somebody fall in a bucket of
paint and wipe face with canvas.

Very funny,
just name your price.

You really wanna know
what this worth?

Phooey.

Thurston, where ever did you
find that divine painting?

Well, never mind
where I found it.

This old scoundrel refuses
to part with it.

Oh, but he must, our entire
collection of Dubovs

would be worthless
without it.

- Hi, Mr. Howell.
- Quiet, Gilligan.

Can't you see I'm busy
dickering with a genius?

Then, I guess you're done
looking at my picture.

Yes, I guess..
Wait a minute.

Did you hear that,
Lovey?

You mean, our Gilligan painted
that masterpiece? Unbelievable.

He must have..
Gilligan, hold it.

- I bid $100,000.
- I bid 200,000.

Hey, fatso,
Dubov wanna talk on you.

Oh, I didn't see you
sitting there, Dubov.

You saw a painting
of skinny kiddo?

- See it? I posed for it.
- You posed for that picture?

Certainly, that was the real me.

The man of the seas,
sailing into the wind

with my bare hands
fighting the ocean.

Dubov wanna tell you something.
I saw the picture.

You lost fight.

Okay, it's ready.
Everybody come out.

Everybody come out!

Would you mind holding it down,
I'm trying to get some shuteye.

- It's no time for nap, come.
- Yes, well, well.

Alright, alright, alright.

Take a look.

- Dubov, you've done it again.
- Naturally.

- Painted exactly what I wanted.
- Alright, how you going to pay?

By cash or by check?

How much do you want
for this one?

For sign?

Well, you see, I've got
to unload my Dubovs.

With Gilligan on the island,
they are absolutely worthless.

Take paintings, take sign,
Dubov takes..

Gillian, I don't look on you.

- Hi, Mr. Howell. Hi, Mr. Dubov.
- Hello, maestro.

Mr. Dubov, Gilligan's
going to paint my picture.

Dubov don't look
on you too, little girly.

Remember, Gilligan,
I'm posing for you tomorrow.

- I remember.
- Phooey on you too, rich lady.

You know, Mr. Dubov, some of
these paintings are pretty good.

Pretty good?

It's good thing I don't talk
on you 'cause I talk to you.

If I don't talk to you,
I gonna bang you on your head.

We shouldn't
let him go away mad.

Well, don't worry. He'll return
and with the transmitter.

I'll go tell Professor
and Ginger it worked.

I'll go with you.

Mr. Howell, how much will
you give for this one here?

- Oh, well, what is it?
- Self-portrait.

- You know something?
- What?

Looks more like Dubov. Phooey.

Sshh.

Outside.

What's the matter?

If you give Dubov
painting lessons

Dubov give you transmitter.

- Say it again.
- Kid, your ears got accent?

- When will you bring it?
- In morning.

Okay. You bring the transmitter,
I'll give you painting lesson.

- Master, you are too kind.
- That's me, Gilligan.

Boy, good guy.

- Dubov is your sl*ve.
- Yeah.

- Dubov is your sl*ve.
- Yeah.

That transmitter is the most
beautiful sight in the world.

Alright, Skipper,
send the message.

Mayday, mayday. This is the
Skipper of the SS Minnow.

This is the Skipper of
the SS Minnow. I repeat.

Can you hear me? This is
the Skipper of the SS Minnow.

- Skipper.
- Quiet, Professor.

I'm trying to transmit.

Skipper, we're the only ones
tuned in, you see.

I must have pulled that out
when I started transmitting.

I'll fix that in a jiffy.

Oh, no. It's-it's rusted,
it's corroded clear through.

Dubov must have had this
on the island for years.

There's a note in here.
It's from Dubov.

[imitating Dobov]
"Dear people,
on who I make phooey.

"Island don't be big enough
for two geniuses.

"So I builded raft
from paintings

"and flow to other island.

When Dubov ready,
Dubov come back."

Well, at least, he left us
the transmitter.

- Yeah, but look at it.
- Oh, no, no. It's gotta work.

It's gotta work.
Mayday, mayday!

June-day, July-day..

Look at that, Howell.

I wanna tell you it does prove
that talent shows up

in the most unlikely places.

Talent is an inner fire of flame

that can burst
in any direction.

Exactly. Look at the way
he's holding that brush.

Bold att*ck,
daring strokes.

And to think it's
my little buddy doing it.

That talk doesn't bother you,
does it, Gilligan?

- 'No, Mr. Howell.'
- Alright.

Don't stop.
Just keep going.

Keep at it, my boy.

- Okay, but I have one question.
- What is it?

How many times
I've to paint the hut?

Keep going, Gilligan,
until we tell you to stop.

¶ Now this is the tale
of the castaways ¶

¶ They're here for
a long, long time ¶

¶ They'll have to make
the best of things ¶

¶ It's an uphill climb ¶

¶ The first mate
and his skipper too ¶

¶ Will do their very best ¶

¶ To make the others
comfortable ¶

¶ In their tropic island nest ¶

¶ No phone, no lights,
no motorcars ¶

¶ Not a single luxury ¶

¶ Like Robinson Crusoe ¶

¶ It's primitive as can be ¶

¶ So join us here
each week my friends ¶

¶ You're sure to get
a smile ¶

¶ From seven stranded
castaways ¶

¶ Here on Gilligan's isle ¶¶
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