01x06 - President Gilligan

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪

♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ the mate was
a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ the skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ passengers set sail that day
for a -hour tour ♪

♪ a -hour tour ♪

[thunder]

♪ The weather started
getting rough ♪

♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪

♪ the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪

♪ uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ with gilligan ♪

♪ the skipper, too ♪

♪ the millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ the movie star ♪

♪ and the rest ♪

♪ are here
on gilligan's isle ♪

skipper, why don't we
get gilligan to help us
with this well?

Gilligan help?
Professor, you've been
out in the sun too long.

All he'd have to do
is dig.

He can't do
anything wrong
if he's just digging.

Yeah? Ha ha ha!

Well, alright.
Let's find out.

Gilligan!

Now, uh, nothing
pretentious, gilligan.
You understand?

A simple, flowing,
-room mansion,
right, lovey?

I mean, baths,
you understand?

And we'll have the--
the servants' quarters
will be over there.

Gilligan!
That's the skipper.
I gotta run.

No, you'll do
nothing of the sort.

You see, we're planning
the howell hills estate.

And you don't want
to get into trouble
with the skipper, dear.

Lovey, we are no longer
on shipboard.

You see, now,
this is exactly the way

I want the little
estate built.

You see--
gilligan!!

I gotta go.
Later.

Stand your ground,
gilligan.

If I do,
I'll be buried in it.

Let the boy
go, dear.

He is no longer
a boy, lovey.
He is a man.

Skipper: Gilligan!
I'm a boy.

Uh, skipper,

you're interrupting
a business conference.

Besides, you're standing
in the powder room.

Powder room?
Business conference?

Gilligan, will you get
over there and start
digging?
Aye, aye, sir.

Come back here,
gilligan.

Get going,
gilligan.

Come back here,
gilligan!

Get going,
gilligan!

Come back here!

I gave him
an order!

And I gave him
a job!

I wish
i were twins.

Maybe we should
toss a coin.

Coin?!
I mean
a bill.

Look, I'm having
enough trouble
running this island

without a mutiny!

Who told you
that you're running
this island?

I am the skipper!

At sea
you're the skipper!

On land, I am
chairman of the board!

Professor,
will you tell
these people

who is in charge
of this island?

Well, actually,
no one is.

No one?!
No one?!

Good heavens,
this is anarchy!

It is not!
I am in command!

No, I am running
this island!

Gentlemen,
gentlemen.

I've got an idea.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we vote?
You know,
like an election.

An election?

An election!

That's wonderful!
Yes!

I'll spend millions
on my campaign.

That's unfair!

You're right.
It is unfair.

Instead,
I'll buy the votes.
Let me see...

And I know that
it's going to be

a good, clean,
hard-fought battle
right down to the wire.

That's right,
professor.

There's no room
for dirty politics
on this island.

I think we
can always make
a little room

for something
like that,
eh, professor?

Just one thing--
let's get this election
over with

as soon as possible
so we can all get back
to work on the well.

That's fine with me,
professor.

I'm ready
for that election
any time now.

Wait a minute,
captain.

When are you
coming out

of your
smoked-filled hut

and really
face the issues,
huh?

What issues,
Mr. howell?

Well, I'm sure
you'd like to know

what my learned opponent
thinks, for example,
of slum clearance,

of tide land
oil drilling,

of free
school lunches!

I would like
to meet him

in face-to-face debate
on public transportation,

coconut conservation,
and high-rise dwellings.

Now, see here--
now, wait a minute.

You're going to have to
face up to the issues,
captain,

and you better
give them some thought.

In the first place,
who's gonna ask

a lot of stupid
questions like that?

Mrs. howell.

And I beg of you,
dear friends,

do not place
one more burden

on the fragile shoulders
of our dear gallant captain,

who lies sleepless
in his bed at night--

uh, uh, sleepless
in his bed at night,
uh...

Ridden with guilt.

Thank you. Yes. Yes.

Ridden with guilt.
Uh-huh.

Ridden with guilt
about the shipwreck,
which was his fault.

Ridden with guilt
about the loss
of the transmitter,

which was his fault.

Filled with shame
about his lack of qualities
of leadership,

which was
his mother's fault.

What this island needs
is a president like me--

one who is brave, true,
loyal, devoted,
and faithful,

and above all, modest.

And I say to you,
don't change leaders
in mid-ocean!

Elect me first president--

the man who's first
at sea, on land,

and first father
of your island.

That was great,
skipper.

You really think so,
gilligan?

Yeah. Only, can we vote
for George Washington?

George Washington?

Isn't that who you
were talking about?

No, gilligan,
i was talking about me!

Why should people
vote for me?

I don't know.

Well, think!

Uh...Uh...
I got it.

Because you're the
skipper, and you'll
thr*aten them.

Yeah! Oh, no,
that won't work.

Works with me.

Well, but
you're different.
I am?

Well, certainly.
You're my crew.
I can thr*aten you.

I've got to woo
the voters.

You don't woo me.
I'd rather
be threatened.

Not you, gilligan!
The girls.

Ginger. Are you home?

[Warmly]
Hello, skipper.

Lovely flowers
for a lovely lady.

Oh, gee,
they're lovely.

Ooh! Those
are the flowers

the professor said
are poisonous.

Poisonous?

Poisonous?!

Yii!
Aaahh!

Shame on you.

Well, what
did I do?

Tried to buy my vote.

Well, I did nothing
of the kind, Mary Ann.

It's
perfectly proper for
a presidential candidate

to want to hire
a secretary.

At $ , a year?

Well, good secretaries
are hard to find.

I'm not even
a good secretary,
Mr. howell.

As a matter of fact,
I'm not even a secretary.

I'm only a clerk.

A clerk! Oh, a clerk!

Well, in that case,
, .

Uh, group insurance,
uh, fringe benefits.

I am not
going to insult
your intelligence

by attempting
to bribe you.

Gee, Mr. howell,
i don't see

what one thing has
to do with the other.

Are you suggesting
that perhaps

you, uh,
could be bribed?

Everybody says I've
got an open mind.

Ginger,
off this island,

I'm a very wealthy
and important man.

As a matter of fact,
I'm thinking of
buying Hollywood.

Hollywood?!

Yes. Don't you think
you ought to have

a star on your
dressing room door?

Oh, gee,
Mr. howell...

I mean,
Mr. president...

Gilligan.

[Warmly] Hello.

Who you talking to?

You.

Me?

You're the only one
here, aren't you?

Yeah, but
I'm just me.

I know.

But you've never been
so friendly to me before.

There's always
a first time
for everything...

Isn't there?

I must be dreaming,
huh?

Pinch yourself
and see.

Yeah.

Ow! No, I'm here.

And I just remembered--
I'm campaigning.
Vote for the skipper.

Gilligan?

Yeah?

Come here.

Huh?

Come closer, gilligan.

Gilligan,
would you do me
an extra special favor?

Vote for howell.

[Thud]

Ooh.

"Don't change
skippers."

Oh, gilligan,
get me the paint can.

Yes, sir.

Gilligan, you can't
just walk on the water!

No, skipper,
I'm walkin'
on this board.

See?

Oh. Well,
the board ends there.

Don't step out there.

No, sir.

Oh, Gill--oh!

Gilligan,
my boy,

have you
ever thought
about yourself?

Have I ever
thought what
about myself?

What--what
i mean is, uh,

what you want
to be in life.

Oh, sure. Sometimes
i lie awake at night,
and I think

if I try real hard
and obey the skipper's
orders,

maybe someday
I'll be a junior
petty officer.

Gilligan, how
would you like to be
secretary of the Navy?

Secretary of the Navy?

You gotta be kidding.
I don't even know
how to tie a knot.

You're just
being modest.

No, I'm not. Look.

Well, I mean,
whoever heard

of the secretary
of the Navy tying
his own knots?

I'll assign some
able-bodied seaman

to perform
such menial chores
for you.

Where are we gonna find
an able-bodied seaman?

It--here
comes one now.

Gilligan,
why are you
talking to howell?

I'm sorry,
skipper.

Don't
be afraid,
gilligan.

In a few hours,
he'll be working
for you.

What?!

He means--

what i
mean is, when
i am president,

gilligan
is going to be

secretary
of the Navy.

Secretary of the Navy?

Gilligan is
going to be sec--

[laughing]

Well, why aren't
you laughing, gilligan?

[Laughs]

I was thinking
how nice it would be

to have someone
to tie my shoelaces.

Alright, folks.

pieces of paper
have been initialed
by all of us.

These are
the official ballots.

Now think carefully
before marking them,

because what you write
on your ballot counts.

Now, who wants
to vote first?

I do.

Women and children
first, that's
what I stand for.

See what I mean?

Who wants
a president

who would
let children vote?

I'll vote first,
professor.

Ginger,
you're next.

A star is born.

What was
all that about?

Inside joke.

Gilligan, I want you
to get in there
and vote,

but before you do,
i want you
to think about

all the things that
I've done for you.

Aye, aye, sir.

Oh, wait a minute,
gilligan.

On second thought,

maybe you better
not think about
all the things.

Remember, once
you pull that cord,

no man can tell you
how to vote,

Mr. secretary.

Quiet down,
now, everybody.

There you are,
professor.

Gilligan,
you're shivering.

I--I'll be alright
in a m-m-minute.

Alright,

now,
the first ballot...

Is for...

The skipper!

Yay!

This will
keep you warm,
little buddy.

The second ballot...

Is for Mr. howell.

Oh, yay!

Mr. secretary,
warmsy-warmsy.

The third ballot is...

For the skipper!

Who now leads to one.

The fourth ballot...

Is for Mr. howell.

Oh, yippee!

Isn't that exciting?
Now it's all.

The fifth ballot is...

A write-in vote for...

Gilligan?

Let me
see that!
Let me see that!

Why, that's
lovey's handwriting.

Oh, yes, it is.

I decided
that it was time

you let somebody else
run everything.

Then we could
have that honeymoon

you've been promising me
all these years.

Why,
you romantic
schemer, you.

Later. Election.

The vote is tied
at and .

And one
for gilligan.

Well, I hardly think
it's necessary

to mention that,
Mary Ann.

Certainly,
Mary Ann.

The sixth ballot
is for...

Gilligan.

Gilligan
is my man, too.

The vote
still stands
at votes

for the skipper
and
for Mr. howell.

And write-in votes
for gilligan.

The deciding vote...

Is missing.

Missing?

Oh, yeah.
I've got it
right here.

What's the matter,
gilligan?

Isn't our ballot box
good enough for you?

I was afraid
it might get wet.

That means
that I win.

That means
I'm elected.

I'm sorry,
gentlemen.

You've both lost.

Well, that's
impossible.

Well,
then who is
president?

Gilligan?

President gilligan.

Gilligan,
what are you doing?

I was cleaning up
the white house.

Give me that broom.

Is this
any sort of a job

for the president
to be doing?

I don't know.

I've never been
a president before.

Look, skipper,
i didn't mean
to win the election.

Honest, I was
on your side.

There's no need
to apologize.

I just came
by here to offer
my congratulations.

Now, people have
made their choice,

and whether it's
right or wrong,
we're stuck with it.

Well, maybe we
ought to count
the votes again

to make sure I won.

There's no need
to do that, either.

Howell and i
have counted 'em
times already.

Well, I sure
feel awful
about winning,

especially
when I wasn't
even running.

The fact is
you did win, gilligan,

and that's
why I'm here.

I can hardly
call myself a friend

if I didn't give you
a word of warning.

A word of warning?
About what?

The power seekers.

Men who'll seek you out,
call themselves friends,

they'll flatter you,
they'll Fawn on you.

These men are dangerous.

All they want
is a high position
in your government.

These men are
not to be trusted,

and you've got
to guard against them.

Guard against
them? How?

Well, that's
where I come in.

You just
leave it to me.

That's part of my job
as second in command.

I can't tell you who
these men are, but--

here comes
one of 'em now.

I just stopped by
to offer you

my heartiest
congratulations

on your rather
shocking victory.

Yeah, it was kind
of a surprise
to me, too.

Yes, well, the way
i look at it, uh,

could have been worse.

You're finished,
howell.

The president
and I are busy

setting up a new
administration.

Well, that's
exactly why I'm here.

That's exactly
what I thought.

Oh--oh,
Mr. president,

before I,
uh, forget,

here's
a, uh, small but
terribly expensive

little token
of my esteem.

A box of
esteemed tokens.
Thanks, Mr. howell.

No, no, no.

You see, they're
solid gold cuff links.

You--you'll have to
have your wrists pierced.

Mr. howell,
i don't know
how to thank you.

That's what he's
just about to tell
you, gilligan.

Well, I don't
expect thanks.

I came by
to pay my respects

and to offer
my humble service

to whatever high office
the president
might designate.

Howell, I must admit,
I'm surprised
by your attitude.

The leader's wish
is but my command.

Well, then here.

You can start
by cleaning up
the white house.

That ought to be
humble enough.

Just exactly who
do you think you are?

I'm the
vice president.

The vice president.
Well, how did you
get that job?

By getting here
before you did!

Do you want
your cuff links back?

Do you think
I'm the kind of man

who would take back
a bribe, sir?

It's a nice gift.

I could give you
something in return.

Well, I expect to get
something in return.

What exactly
do you have open?

Do you know how
to make a good knot?

Uh, skipper, what
kind of job can we
give Mr. howell?

Well, we have
the secretary
of labor,

the secretary
of defense,

secretary
of state.

Yeah, you could be
one of the secretaries.

You know how to take
shorthand and typing?

No. You see,
Mr. president,

I think with
my background,

the ideal job for me
would be chief justice

of the supreme court.

But that's a very
important position.

Have you had any
legal experience?

The government has
convicted me times
on anti-trust suits,

and I've been
investigated every year
for income tax evasion.

Oh, well, that's
good enough for me.
How about you, skipper?

Well, any man can
stay out of jail with
a record like that's

got to know something
about the law.

Indeed I do.

Now, the first thing
on my agenda...

Is to investigate a plot
to overthrow the government.

What plot to overthrow
the government?

The one I started
right after the election.

Ha ha ha!

See you at
the inaugural luau,

Mr. president.

It is my honor

to introduce to you

a man known
to us all,

a man respected
for his courage,

his dedication
of duty,

his leadership.

A true giant
among men.

Our president,
gilligan!

Yeah,
Mr. president,
bravo, bravo.

Speech, speech.

Ladies and gentlemen
and honored guests,

I accept the
responsibility that
you've given me--

come on, everybody,
eat! Please, while
it's still hot.

Oh, I'm sorry,
gilligan.

I mean,
Mr. president.

That's okay,
folks, uh,

you go ahead
and finish dinner.

I just--i just
jotted down

a few things I wanted
to say, and--

it was right here
a minute ago.

Mr. howell, excuse me,
but that napkin,

I think
it's my speech.

Oh, yes.

First of all--

uh, would you pass me
that guava sauce?

Sure, Mr. howell.

sh*t of it,
please.

Thank you.
You're
welcome.

Now...

Would you pass
this down, please?

Thank you.

It's hot.
Here, professor.

Thank you,
gilligan.

You're welcome.

Well, now down to
the important business.

As you all know,
our water supply
is getting short

and we have
to pitch in
and build a well.

Oh, I wish who knew
who cooked these
jellied sand dabs.

Oh, I did,
Mrs. howell.
Do you like them?

Oh, they're
delicious.

Thurston,
you must try them.

You'd believe
you were at Antoine's.

Oh, yes,
you must try my
jellied sand dabs.

Now about
the jellied sand--

I mean, about
digging the well.

Now look, folks,

if we all pitch in,

I figure we can dig
that well in one day--

this is
the best meal
I've had

since I've been
on the island.

Thank you,
skipper.

I've gotta
take a walk.

[All talking]

We have
to have fresh water,

please,
Mr. and Mrs. howell.

Professor, professor,

as secretary
of agriculture,

I think it's necessary
that you should find out

where we
should dig the well.

[Shell sounds]

You rang,
Mr. president?

Yeah, Mrs. howell.

It's almost
after : .

Has anybody come
to see me?

No, they haven't,
Mr. president.

Maybe somebody stopped by
while you were away
from your desk.

I haven't left that
oil drum all day,
Mr. president.

What's my schedule
for tomorrow?

I'll check here.

Well,
there's nothing
in the morning,

but in
the afternoon,

you haven't
got anything.

What time is
my cabinet meeting?

: ,

but the
vice president
canceled it.

He had
a fishing date

with the
chief justice.

Where's the rest
of my cabinet?

Oh, they're
all swimming
in the lagoon.

All except
the secretary

of health
and welfare.

Good,
what's she doing?

Her hair.

Well, somebody's
gotta dig that well.

You're right,
Mr. president.

You're
absolutely right.

Skipper,
you got a minute?

Sure, gilligan,
come on in,

uh, that is,
Mr. president.

Skipper, I need
your help.

I'm worried.
I'm real worried
about that well.

You look worried.

I do?

You sure do,
and frankly,

I've been worried
about you.

You have?

Yes, but I don't
want you to worry
about that.

You've got enough
to worry about

without worrying
about the way you look,

which is terrible.

Really?

But, gilligan,
never mind that.

Take a look
at this hut.

Now, does this
look like the office
of a vice president?

No, skipper,
it doesn't.

It is beneath
our dignity, isn't it?

Yes, sir,
it is.
Right.

Right.

Now can you help me
with this junk?

Sure,
skipper,

but about
the well.

Skipper?

What seems
to be the problem?

Well, skipper,
our old water supply
is running low,

and we gotta dig
a new well quick.

That's not too heavy
for you, is it?

[Weakly] Uh, no.

Just put this rope
on there,

and, uh, if you
would step over
in the corner here,

we'll put it right
in that corner, that's it.

There we go, gilligan.

About the water
situation, sir.

Oh, you're
having a problem
with the water?

Yeah, skipper,
same problem.

Wait a minute,
gilligan.
Yeah?

I got an idea.
Yeah?

I think I'll put
my desk over here.

Would you bring
this back over and
put it on this wall?

Whatever you
want, skipper,

but we gotta
make a decision
about the well.

Now, uh,
Mr. president,

have you made
any decisions
about the well?

Uh-huh.

And what are you
going to do?

I'm gonna drop
these boxes.

Ooh!

I'm gonna go see
the chief justice...

Oh, gilligan!

About the well.

[Gasps]

I hate to disturb
you, chief justice.

Oh, that's alright.
Never too busy to talk

to the--the president.

I want to ask you
your opinion

about that well
we have to dig.

Oh, the well!
I've been lying here

and giving that
a lot of consideration.

Now, the similar case of
Fletcher vs. Bronson, you see,

the municipal court
upheld a previous ruling
and found for the defendant.

And even after
the case was appealed,

the court refused
to reverse the decision

in spite of the new evidence.

I've taken all of that
into consideration.

What have you
decided to do?

And I've decided to give it
a little more thought.

Nighty night.

Hi. I hate
to barge in like this,

but I figure
maybe you can help me.

I went to see
the vice president first,

but he was so busy
fixing up his office
that he couldn't help me.

And I went to see
the chief justice
of the supreme court,

but he got
a lot of problems, too.

I mean, in the case
of Fletcher and Bronson,

they even had to appeal it,
and it got very complicated,

so I was hoping there was
something you could do.

[Panting]

Well, let me see.

There must be
something I could do.

About--about the well.

Gilligan: I'm gonna
make this meeting
as short as possible.

I know we've
all had a busy day.

[Slurring]
Hear! Hear!

Unless the well is finished,

we're gonna run out
of drinking water.

That's very true,
Mr. president.

We certainly
do need a well!

That's exactly
my thinking, skipper.

And we're behind you
all the way, Mr. president.

You're the best
president we
ever elected.

Thanks, ginger.

I mean, even if
i don't get a star

on my dressing
room door.

Uh, we're
with you, sir.

Well, then how about
helping me dig the well?

Well, I can't
help you, Mr. president.

I'm in the midst
of settling a strike.

What strike?

Oh, the secretary
of health and welfare

won't help me
in the kitchen anymore.

Well,
I'm not on strike.

I have my own
work to do now.

How can i
wash the dishes
and build a hospital

at the same time?

A hospital? What for?

We don't even have a doctor!

Well, but when
the hospital's
finished,

I'm going to build
a medical school.

Don't count on me, sir.

I'm involved
in a very serious
judicial matter.

What are you working
on now, Mr. howell?

Your
impeachment!

What? You're trying
to impeach the president?

On what grounds?

Well, he accepted
a bribe from a power-mad
favor seeker!

I never gave him a dime!

Well, I did!

I gave him a pair
of solid gold cuff links!

That's a pretty
serious charge,
Mr. howell.

Do you have
any witnesses?

Well, I certainly do!

I happen
to have of them!

That's impossible!

I was the only
one in the room

at the time that
he took the bribe!

Aha! There you are!
Thank you very much!

I'm gonna call you
as a witness at
the impeachment proceedings.

What do you want
to impeach a president

that's doing
such a good job for?

Oh, nonsense!
There's no water
down there!

Mr. howell,
i have had it.

You don't
have to impeach me!

I quit!

Quiet down
now, folks.

President gilligan
would like to say
a few words.

Thank you.

First of all,
i want to thank you

for attending
this cabinet meeting.

[All chuckle]

And now that we've
solved the water problem,

I think we
ought to get to work
on our next project:

A lookout tower.

Lookout tower?
That's an excellent
idea, Mr. president.

Oh, you mean
a high-rise
sort of thing?

That sounds
marvelous.
What is it?

If we build
a real tall lookout tower,

a ship or a plane
might spot us,

and we'd be rescued.

[All shout agreement]

We could
be rescued.
Good, good!

Well, I'm glad
you all like the idea.

I have the bamboo poles
and vines right there.

And we can begin
construction right now.

Mr. howell--

no, I have to go,
Mr. president.

A lot of cases
on the docket.

Supreme court
decisions can't
wait, you know.

Mrs. howell?

Uh, I have to go
and take dictation

for Mr. howell.

Professor,
do you think--

I'm sorry,
Mr. president,

I've got
a scientific
report to finish.

Mary Ann?

I think I'd better
check the food supply.

Ginger, do you--

I have to
wash my hair,
gilligan.

Skipper,
do you think--

well, that's just
the idea, Mr. president.

You done some wonderful
things for the island,

and everybody
is behind you %.

Oh, I sure hope
i can get reelected.

Oh, I'm sure
you will be!

Ha ha!
Do a good job,
gilligan.

Now, we all...

♪ Now this is the tale
of our castaways ♪

♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪

♪ they'll have to make
the best of things ♪

♪ it's an uphill climb ♪

♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪

♪ will do their very best ♪

♪ to make the others
comfortable ♪

♪ in the tropic island nest ♪

no phone...
No lights...

♪ No motorcars,
not a single luxury ♪

♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪

♪ it's primitive
as can be ♪

♪ so join us here
each week, my friends ♪

♪ you're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ for stranded castaways ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪