08x10 - Young, Gifted and Black

[bunniefuu]

DRE: In America, education
is the path to prosperity.

The problem is, for centuries,

it was often denied to Black people.

We were sent to crumbling,
segregated schools,

and even now,

many of our schools are
in crisis or underfunded.

That's why when I had kids,

I was determined to give them
the best education possible.

So we put them in private school...

Valley Glen Prep.

The kind of school that senators, CEOs,

and Ashton Kutcher send their kids to.

But private school comes
with some trade-offs,

like being among only a
handful of Black families.

So we had to stay ready
to go to w*r for our kids.

Well, they're not letting
Zoey in honors math.

You know what that means.

Mm?

I'm about to solve for an ass-whupping.

[RAPPING] ♪ What's up, big mouth? ♪

So, they all did it,

but Junior is the only
one who got in trouble?

- [DING] _
- Pff!

- _
- DRE: He won't be the only one in trouble now.

[GLASS CLINKING]

Today's menu...

knuckle sandwiches.

♪ 'Cause I'm not nothing like ♪

♪ Anyone once on the Mic ♪

Oh, they say Jack's being disruptive!

- [DING]
- _

We gotta go down there.

♪ We got mo', you ain't know ♪

Someone's about to cut class.

Sure, it's never easy to
always have your guard up,

but that's the sacrifice you make.

But with our last Johnson
child starting at the school,

we were hopeful that we would be able

to put our shields and swords away.

This is an e-mail from the school.

They are worried

that Devante is not
keeping up with his peers.

But I guess today is not the day.

I just watched "Karate
Kid" last night, babe.

I'm ready.

- Progress.
- Mm-hmm.

- We're not talking about grades.
- No.

We're not talking about grades.

We're talking about progress.

- Pshh.
- Progress?

It is always something
with this school. I mean...

What, do they like it when I
put them in the hurt locker?

What is he falling behind in?

- [SCOFFS]
- Sitting still in a circle?

Watering a plant?

He's in kindergarten!

Mnh-mnh-mnh.

Just what I thought.

- Not a drop of Curaçao left.
- Mm.

- Use this, baby.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, what... what are you guys doing?

Your mother wanted to
do a little happy hour.

What the lady wants,

( the lady gets.
- Ah.

[ERROL INCE'S "WEST
INDIAN CARNIVAL" PLAYS]

Um, okay. Well, it is...

[BEEP, MUSIC STOPS]

... : in the afternoon.

Hey, you stay out of
grown folks' business.

We're retired, sweetie.

It ain't like we got anywhere to be.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

Now, what's this I hear about Devante?

We have a parent-teacher
conference tomorrow

to discuss his "progress."

- Ooh.
- What?

Y'all get to have a fight?

- Yes.
- Oh, yeah.

See, too often, these
schools come up with reasons

to separate our children
from the other kids.

Mm-hmm.

Dakota and Hunter get
fast-tracked to the AP classes

while our children get
fast-tracked to detention.

- Mm.
- Devante's only in third grade,

and they already trying
to put him in the system.

- What?
- What? Pops, he's in kindergarten.

You go to school for kindergarten?

- Okay, you know what?
- Yes.

Dre and I are gonna
go down there tomorrow,

and we're gonna put a smackdown on 'em.

- That's right, baby. Aren't we gonna do that?
- Mm-hmm.

- That's what we're gonna do. Boom.
- Boom! Yes, we are.

Well, not often proud of you, son,

- but this one brings a tear to my eye.
- Mm-hmm.

Course, it might just be the
extra scotch bonnet pepper

in the cocktail. [SNIFFS]

Well, you can't have a
Dirty Ruby without the kick.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? Come on, boo.

- Mm, mm.
- Here we go, baby. Come on.

While Bow and I took on the system,

Junior was still reeling from
his break-up with Olivia.

[SLURPS]

[SAD PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

[SIGHS]

♪♪

[GLASS SQUEAKS]

DIANE: Ridiculous.

They broke up weeks ago.

Future already had another baby

by the time Ciara got with Russell.

Have a heart, Diane.

- I mean, can't you see that he's struggling?
- Yeah.

Just look at him.

All his muscle gains from
the summer, just gone.

Mm.

You know what? He needs us.

[JUNIOR SLURPING]

Hey, friend.

How can we help?

Do you have a time machine?

No, uh, we don't,

but if we did, we'd
use it to cheer you up,

and I'd have put on some
deodorant this morning.

[SNIFFS]

- Too late for that.
- [GROANS]

Um, okay.

What if we got you out of the house,

go to a movie, huh?

Olivia liked movies.

- Oh.
- Yeah, e... everyone likes movies.

Okay, why don't we just go for a walk?

Get some fresh air, huh?

The last walk Olivia
took was out of my life.

[SLURPING]

- Mm.
- You know what?

Why don't I get you dressed,
and I'll go take you out

for some of those bottomless
breadsticks at Olive Garden?

- Huh?
- Oh, you do love those.

Bro, are you serious?

Olive Garden?

Olive-ia?

Okay, you know, I'm gonna
stay here, [CUP THUDS]

and I'm gonna learn the blues.

What?

[BLUESY HARMONICA MUSIC PLAYS]

This "Junior being sad"
thing is making me sad,

and I didn't realize I had emotions.

- This is worse than I thought.
- Yeah.

We've got to call in an expert.

Jack, I was...

Charles.

Diane.

This is your expert?

Hey, who better to help?

Before he got married,

Charlie was dumped hella times.

Oh, I was dumped on the way over here

by an old girlfriend who
just got out of a coma.

She thinks it's still .

Still has finger waves.

That's why I came up with

my patented "Charlie
Telphy Heartbreak Recovery,

Live Your Best Life and Go On King,

Ten-Step System to Finding
More Fish in the Sea."

- Hmm.
- Sounds legit.

- Mm.
- [DOOR SLAMS]

I'm glad you all paged me, too.

I'm gonna take his shattered pieces

and build him to be a better, stronger,

happier, sexier man.

We'll do whatever it takes.

Wonderful.

Before we go any further,
there's a matter of my fee.

Oh, yes, your popcorn
chicken is in the oven.

Mmm! Perfection.

We got a long night ahead of us.

Put a little hot sauce on that fee.

Okay.

[SHUDDERS]

On the day of the conference,

we went in with supreme confidence.

Team Johnson was -and-
against Valley Glen Prep,

and today wasn't going to
be the day we caught an L.

Hi, Dr. and Mr. Johnson.

I will be right with you.

Can I get you some water?

- Uh, we're only thirsty for the truth.
- Yeah.

But yes, I'd actually
really like some water.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Have me out here on my day
off to talk about my son?

I wish they would.

Let me tell you something...

when she comes back, we're
gonna light her ass up.

None of these kids are special.

None of them. Look at that.

These kids are garbage.

Look at that. What is
that, a purple tree?

[THINKING] Hold up.

Is Devante spelling his
name with a backwards "D"?

- ... bullcrap!
- Is that even a "D"?

No.

All kids have problems
with their letters, right?

- One plus one equals...
- Damn.

Some of their handwriting
is better than mine.

Is this school right?

Is the only Black kid in class
not keeping up with his peers?

When she comes back, I'm
telling you right now...

Oh. This is not a good look.

... and that's when we bring
up the idea of a lawsuit, Dre!

No, babe.

Which means Bow is about to go ham

on this unsuspecting
white woman for no reason.

- Hello.
- Hi. We only have sparkling.

- Mm-hmm.
- Gotta do something.

Aah!

[GRUNTS]

Mama! I'm having a heart att*ck!

Oh, my God! Baby!

I got you, baby!

Mama! Call an ambulance!

You gotta do what you gotta do.

Aah! Call an ambulance!

Oh, I think I'ma need an ambulance!

Dre, I'm right behind you.
I'm right behind you, okay?

And everything's gonna be just fine.

- It won't be.
- It will be.

His "D's" were backwards, Bow.

Backwards!

Of all the times that you have
decided to fake a heart att*ck,

this is the first time

that I have supported your decision.

I don't know where I'd be
without that move in my arsenal.

- Mm.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]

I'm gonna feel bad when I
have an actual one, though.

Here it is... the scarlet letter.

Oh, no, babe.

This is worse than "The Scarlet Letter."

At least with a backwards
"A," it's still an "A."

This is not a good look, Dre.

There's not enough Black
families at the school

for this to happen.

They're all sitting around judging us,

thinking that we don't read to our son,

that we let the TV raise him.

I feel like this school
has just been waiting around

to tear down a Black
family with five kids

who all have no jump-sh*t.

Absolutely.

Devante cannot finish last in his class.

- No. Please, no.
- All right?

We've got to bring him up to speed

for that "All About My Family" project

that they're gonna put on
display at the Open House.

Absolutely!

And we're taking no shortcuts.

We're gonna stay on top of Devante

until he's like that little
girl with the crossover

who won the spelling bee.

%.

We will divert resources
from some of our other kids.

That's fine.

We were going to regret Diane
learning so much Russian anyway.

Oh, hell yes.

That child is frightening.

Okay.

We have now completed
successfully Step One...

your sexification.

I wish the razor had slipped.

Hush with that attitude.

You'll never make it
through all steps.

I thought there were only .

Do you want to help your brother or not?

No.

Look, you're thinking about
all the wonderful things

about your lady that you miss.

I need you to make a
list of all the things

that you don't miss, okay?

We got to take her from hot to thot.

There's nothing wrong
with her. She's perfect.

Yeah. Even I couldn't find any flaws.

My only knock on her
was her taste in men.

Come on, now. Junior, no one's perfect.

What? What, did she snore?

She drive fast?

She has a second family in Tallahassee?

She look like it.

I mean, sometimes

she hit her teeth with the fork

when she ate.

- Clanky-mouthed heifer.
- Whoa, whoa!

I know it's hard, I know it's hard,

but you got to trust me, all right?

We got to knock her off
that pedestal in your brain.

Hey, Junior, remember that time

that we heard her say "irregardless"?

No-grammar-having hussy.

Okay, this isn't working for me.

I'm gonna go scour her
social media account

for secret messages that she misses me.

Uh...

Ugh.

Wow.

We didn't even pay you anything
and I still feel ripped off.

Hmm. This is worse than what I thought.

We got to skip to Step Six.

Does Olivia have a
sister he can sleep with?

Charlie.

Or a cousin.

[THE JACKSON 'S "ABC" PLAYS]

Bow and I knew our son
couldn't finish last,

so we leaned into catching him up

ahead of his "All About
My Family" project.

Hey, buddy.

Let's get this project started.

Ah.

[SNIFFS]

Yeah.

♪ , , , baby, you and me, girl ♪

Ah. Okay.

Let me, uh... Let me take
this and go show Mommy.

[QUIETLY] Backwards "D."

♪ Reading, writing, arithmetic ♪

No.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, this is nice.

Oh, look at that.

What do you think?

♪ Teacher's gonna show you ♪

♪ Show you, show you ♪

Does Jack have a tail?

♪ Spell me, you ♪

♪ You add the two ♪

♪ Listen to me, baby,
that's all you gotta do ♪

Hey, Devante, finish this sentence...

"My family is... "

Poop.

Poop.

Poop?

I would like to say "Black excellence,"

but, uh... "poo" it is.

And all of our efforts
seemed to make a difference.

But would it be enough?

Looks good to me, Dre.

Of course you'd say
that. You have both legs.

Now, is that supposed to be you, baby?

- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh.

Black Jesus wept.

Those white folks are
going to eat you alive.

- Come on, Ruby.
- Mm!

Okay.

Leaning in wasn't gonna be good enough.

My son clearly needed a boost.

It's because I'm Black, right?

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

- What?
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

Turns out the city won't allow us

to go in the sewer like Ninja Turtles,

so we got to skip to Step Seven...

manifestation.

Or as I like to call
it, "Mental Movies."

Ugh. This should be good.

I don't think I have
the energy for this.

Bro, it is so easy.

Just set your intention,

let it go, and it'll come to you.

I do it all the time.

How do you think I got all
those toothpick swords, huh?

CHARLIE: Exactly.

So close your eyes

and manifest yourself
the girlfriend you want.

One with good credit and a donk.

No, I-I don't want to
be with anybody else.

I want to be with Olivia.

She's the only girl I've ever
felt such a connection to.

[SIGHS] Look, I know
you're trying to help,

but I don't think the Charlie
Telphy method is for me.

CHARLIE: Wow. I really thought

that "Charlie Telphy's Soup
for the Brokenhearted Soul"

would've fixed him.

I think I gotta rethink
self-publishing this book.

Heading into the open house,

I did what I needed to do
to make sure people knew

that the Johnsons belonged.

How's it going? I see
Devante's got a little buzz.

Hmm.

It's going good, I think.

Hello.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

[WHISPERING] Oh, my God.

What did you do?

- Is it too good?
- Yes!

I was worried that all these people

were gonna judge Devante, so I panicked.

- Okay.
- You know, and then I just... it...

At first, I just added some legs,

and then I just got
lost in the art, babe.

- Oh, my God.
- Who knew I was so talented?

I am mopping the floor
with these -year-olds.

Ha!

Uh, you think we'll get found out?

Uh, you know, is this cheating?

It is only cheating if we get caught,

and we are not going to get caught.

- Mnh-mnh.
- We are not going to be

the Black family who cheats.

So, I don't care if we have
to fake Devante's paintings

all the way through college,
that's what we're gonna do.

We are not showing our asses...

- Oh, my God. Ms. Biggs is coming.
- What?

- So, if she asks...
- Mm-hmm.

... just say that Devante
did this all by himself.

We just stick to our
story, and we'll be fine.

Bet.

Dr. Johnson, Mr. Johnson. Hi.

- It's so great to see you.
- Biggsy.

- So good to see you.
- Yes.

You know, I would love to
have a quick word with you

about Devante's project.

- Oh, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. Mm.
- Sure. Yeah.

- Actually, just you, Dr. Johnson.
- Oh, just me?

- Yeah.
- Of course.

- I-I'm right behind you?
- Yep. Just follow me.

- Your hair looks so good today.
- Okay, thank you.

All right. [CLEARS THROAT]

Mm.

- Never break.
- Mnh-mnh.

Never snitch.

- Go.
- I'm going.

Mm-hmm.

Principal Biggs was trying
to catch us slipping,

but I knew my baby wouldn't cr*ck.

- Dr. Johnson.
- Ms. Biggs.

- This is Devante's work from last week.
- Mm.

Now, is there anything
you'd like to tell me?

His work has really improved.

Listen, I know that every parent

has an instinct to help their child,

but you're not allowed to do their work.

What makes you think we
would do his work for him?

-year-olds don't draw
Gucci labels, Dr. Johnson.

Well, I guess children's
talent reveals itself

at different times, Ms. Biggs.

- Dr. Johnson...
- Ms. Biggs.

... did you draw that picture?

It's Devante's work.

Dr. Johnson,

did you draw that picture?

That's Devante's work.

Dr. Johnson.

- It's Devante's work.
- [DOOR OPENS]

♪♪

- Mr. Johnson.
- Hmm?

Can I speak with you?

All right.

♪♪

♪♪

Mr. Johnson,

that's the third time you've done that.

Let's get this over with.

You're barking up the
wrong tree, Biggsy.

All right? The Johnson
family clan is clean.

Now, I'm not accusing you of anything.

I just have one question, Mr. Johnson.

Did you draw that picture?

Pfft, did I draw that picture.

Mr. Johnson...

You've got to understand.

We're under so much pressure here.

Devante can't be the Black
kid that's left behind.

You know how these
people are at this school!

They look at us
differently! It's not fair!

We're always under the microscope.

Well, I'm gonna put you
under the microscope.

I am gonna call out this institution.

You can't kick us out.

We quit.

- DRE: Hey.
- Hey.

How'd it go?

- Good.
- Good.

We're gonna have to find our
kids a new school to go to.

♪♪

What?

[TV CHATTER]

Put on your clubbing robe.

We've got a surprise for you.

We're taking you to Vegas!

Also, you're out of ink.

I started self-publishing my book.

I really don't see how that's
gonna make me feel better.

Of course it will.

Vegas is a place where
desperation meets opportunity,

and boy, are you desperate.

He's not desperate.

He's just sad.

Look, Junior, it's time
we unbreak your heart.

Sure, Olivia was all right,
but you're a cool dude.

I mean, you're tall, good-looking...

when you're not smiling...

and you have a job that doesn't involve

you embarrassing yourself on Instagram.

Even though this didn't work out,

you're still a catch.

You really think that?

You know how I feel
about repeating myself.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

This dude's an idiot,

but if he can find love, so can you.

Thanks.

Man, I really need to wash this thing.

DIANE: Mm-hmm. You sure do.

♪♪

We can't take the kids out of school.

It's the middle of the school year.

Well, you know, Valley Glen Prep

isn't the only good
private school, babe.

There's Oakwood, there's Sierra Canyon,

there's that Catholic school

that had that thing a few years ago

but they're good now.

Okay, even if we put
them in another school,

how do we know it's
gonna be any different?

We don't.

All I know is that we've
been playing defense

since our kids have been in school.

Bow, I'm tired.

I'm tired, too.

I mean, it's not just school.

It just feels like it's
happening a lot lately.

Mm.

We're on the defensive at work

and with the neighbors.

It's just like, I can't
remember the last time

we didn't have our guard up.

[SIGHS]

We didn't when we were
with Michelle Obama,

and that was fun.

That was so much fun.

Mm-hmm.

And it was easy.

Yes.

And it didn't feel like
all the eyes were on us.

We could just be.

Can't do that here.

At this school, there's no anonymity.

Everyone knows that
we're the Black family.

Yeah. So, what do we do?

What? About Devante in school?

Yeah.

We do what we did with the other kids.

We live with the trade-offs.

I guess.

I mean...

we didn't have to make
such a big deal out of this.

It was only a backwards "D." [LAUGHS]

Yeah, we definitely could
have handled that differently.

Oh, boy.

I called Biggsy a cop and
knocked over a janitor's bucket.

[BOTH LAUGH]

She's a Black lady principal

who gets mistaken for the lunch lady,

so I'm sure she can understand

how hard this place is, right?

I don't know.

Dre, I guess this is what we have to do

to give our kids the best.

Yep. [SIGHS]

Hmm.

Should we just keep them here?

Yeah, but let's tell Biggsy tomorrow.

I told her I wasn't playing.

If we go back too soon,
she'll know that I was playing.

- Yeah.
- Come on. Let's go.

There is no perfect solution

for where to send our kids to school.

We want to give them every advantage.

But sometimes, that comes
at a cost, even to us.

Finger painting?

Boy, they're trying to get
your prints into the system.

I'm not wasting any more macaroni.

This is silly.

Your real education is gonna
come from the streets, baby.

Son, when your life is on the line,

do you really think a
member from Rollin' s

is gonna care about your backward "D's"?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mnh-mnh.

A backwards "C" could save your life.

The first essential skill...

a pair of sh**ting dice.

Now, don't put those in your mouth.

Not unless it's part of your con.

I've seen it work before.

I'm gonna get us some drinks, Earl.

[SCOFFS]

Then we're gonna get into
the art of short-changing.

All right, Devante.

That's Grandma baby.

Just pay attention to Grandpa here.

Ah!

Snake eyes. Damn.