01x01 - A Friend in Need

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Jeffersons". Aired: January 18, 1975 – July 2, 1985.*
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Spinoff series from "All in the Family" is about literal upward mobility of couple George and Louise Jefferson who move into a swanky high-rise building.
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01x01 - A Friend in Need

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♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To the east side ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment in the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To the east side ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got
a piece of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't
burn on the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up that hill ♪

♪ Now we're up in
the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

♪ As long as we live
it's you and me, baby ♪

♪ Ain't nothin'
wrong with that ♪

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To the east side ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment in the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To the east side ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got a
piece of the pie ♪♪

Thanks for helping me
with the groceries, diane.

How about coming in for a cup
of coffee? Oh, no, thanks, louise.

I better not. Why not?

You sprang for the cokes in
the laundry room yesterday.

Yeah, but... And I always say...

There are two things that are no
fun at all unless you've got company.

And the other one
is drinking coffee.

Okay, well, why not?

Did you hear about mr. Schneider
getting mugged in the park last night?

No, but what was he doing
in the park at night anyway?

He was exercising
his police dog.

Oh, that's me. Oh!

I'll get these. You get
the phone. Thanks, diane.

Aha! Mrs. Isaac
newton, I presume.

No. I'm mrs. Diane
stockwell. How do you do?

I shouldn't have made that joke because
gravity is no laughing matter, is it?

No, I can see it isn't.

Let me help you. Thank you.

I don't believe we've
met. I'm harry bentley.

Do you live in the building? No,
but thanks for the compliment.

I'm a maid. I work for some
of the families in the building.

I'm just going in for a cup
of coffee with my friend.

That's nice. Then you
know the jeffersons, eh?

No, just their maid, louise.

Maid? Oh, I think you've made...

Let's bring the groceries
here in the kitchen, diane.

Hey, this is a real
nice apartment.

It sure is done in good
taste. Oh, thank you.

It is all right, I mean
my coming in like this?

Your boss ain't likely
to come back unexpected?

Boss? The day I
call george "boss"...

Is the day they'll invite lester
maddox to a harlem block party.

- You call him "george"
to his face?
- Not always.

Sometimes I call
him "loudmouth."

- He let you talk
to him like that?
- Sure. What would you do...

If your husband
gets up in your face?

Husband? I thought you was
talkin' about your employer.

Huh? Thanks.

It sure is nice having somebody
like you to talk to, louise.

Some of the maids
around here are so snooty,

You'd think they owned
the apartments themselves.

- Really?
- You better believe it, honey.

But I ain't got time for
them stuck-up folks...

With their nose so high in the air they
can't even smell their own mouthwash.

Louise! Who's that?

Oh, one of the higher
noses in these parts.

Weezy!

Oh, hi. Hi.

George, this is diane stockwell.

Diane, this is my
husband george.

If you're the avon
lady, I think it's too late.

He's a great joker.
Sometimes he's even funny.

The both of y'all live here?
Uh-huh. Some place, ain't it?

Yeah. I didn't know the
jeffersons had a couple.

A couple of what?

A maid and a butler. You two.

Butler? What?

Yeah, they must be
real rich. Hold it, diane.

We are the jeffersons.

Hey, you're right,
louise. He's a great joker.

He's not joking, diane.

Oh, you got to be kiddin'.

How can you afford to
live in a place like this?

You ain't tall enough to
be no basketball player.

Say what?

And you too old for a
rock-and-roll singer.

Look, this is our apartment.

Then you got to
be a number runner.

I'm gettin' out of
here. No, hold on.

I don't run nothin'
except my own business.

That's true, diane. He
owns some cleaning stores.

Including the one downstairs.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Diane, wait. Wait, diane.
What's the matter?

Well, I thought you
was a maid like me.

You a maid? Yes. What
difference does that make?

Plenty. Why ain't you
out maidin' someplace?

- Don't mind him, diane.
- No, it does make a difference.

- Mr. Jefferson is right.
- Mr. Jefferson? It's george, diane.

She was right the
first time. Mr. Jefferson.

I better be going.
Thanks for the coffee.

Wait. Promise you'll drop in tomorrow
and have another cup of coffee with me.

I want us to be good
friends. Well, I will if I can.

Bye, mr. Jefferson. Bye.

You hear that, louise?
She called me mr. Jefferson.

Mrs. Louise.

Two can play at that
superior jazz. Diane is my friend.

No, she's not. She's a domestic.

You make it sound
like a disease.

Fact of life. You own an apartment
in the building and she's a maid.

Hold it right there, buster.

Ain't you forgetting
where you came from?

It ain't the question
of where I came from.

It's the question of where I am.

You are east side
and she is west side.

I don't want no crosstown
traffic in my kitchen.

George, the lord
created everybody equal.

Except in your case, he quit
work before he got to your head.

Now, look here, louise...

Just because we are moving up...

Is no reason why we have
to look down on people.

I'm not tellin' you to
look down on nobody.

I'm just saying to shift your angle
and let them start looking up to you.

Look, louise, I've done
good by you, right?

And I hope someday diane's
husband will do good by her.

But in the meantime, she is where a
domestic belongs... In the kitchen.

And you are gonna be where
you belong... In the doghouse.

Look, I wear the
pants in this family.

And when you zip 'em
up, include your mouth.

You better pray this
is the u.s. Cavalry.

Hello. I think this
is one of yours. Oh.

It was hiding in the corner, licking
its wounds, the poor little chap.

Huh? It's got a nasty
bruise. You see?

I shouldn't put that in
with the others if I were you.

You know what they say
about one rotten apple.

Oh, I know. It spoils
the whole barrel.

Ah, mr. Jefferson, what
luck that you're here.

You wouldn't have time to take a
little walk on the old back, would you?

What's with you and this back-walking
thing? It's been acting up again.

Just a couple of steps.

There's something about the
way you do it. It's amazing, really.

That's it. Oh,
that's lovely, yes.

You have wonderful
rhythm in your feet.

George!

He doesn't know
what he's saying.

You've done it again. Thank you.

Bentley, since you're
here, maybe you can

Settle a little discussion
we've been having.

In england do you people
make friends with your maids?

Surely, yes. My best
friend was my nanny.

Wonderful woman, nanny.

Used to tell me fairy
tales by the hour...

While I sat in her lap and
pulled the hairs out of her chin.

Well, thanks again.
Absolutely splendid, yes.

I'm a new man. Good-bye.

Good-bye, mr. Bentley.

That's a weird dude there.

Okay, george, now... Whoa! I know
you think I'm wrong for what I'm doing,

But all I'm trying to do is
make things nice for you.

So now get your coat.
I'm taking you out to lunch.

I don't have time. I've
got the windows to clean.

You don't have
to do that. Oh, no?

Well, I can hear
your mother now.

"Such a lovely view, george.

What a pity the dirty windows
stop you from seeing it."

Just hire a maid to come in
one day a week. We can afford it.

I don't need a maid. Look, you
wanna see your friend diane, right?

Of course I do.
She's a maid. Hire her.

I can't hire her. Diane
is a friend of mine.

George, remember when
lionel was growing up...

And I did domestic work twice
a week to sort of help out?

Yes. Remember the
folks I worked for?

Uh-huh. It was all
"yes, ma'am," "no, ma'am."

Now, how can I ask diane
to say "yes, ma'am" to me?

'Cause now you're the ma'am.
That's the way life goes, weezy.

Look, some people got to be the
ma'ams and the rest are the "ma'ammies."

I am not going to ask
my friend to work for me.

And for the last time,
george, I do not want a maid.

Yes, you do. I do not.

I'm ordering you to hire a
maid. You're not ordering me...

I'm telling you! I
don't want a maid! Hey!

I can hear you out in the hall.
What you fighting about now?

Your mother's acting
like a crazy woman again.

Out of the goodness of my
heart, I offered to get her a maid...

To help her keep the place clean,
and she goes off into a wild hysteric.

That sounds like a
good idea to me, ma.

You could use a little
help around here.

Jenny's parents, they have an
apartment just like this. They have a maid.

Only one? I figured the
willises would have three maids.

- Three?
- I figure
a black one for mr. Day,

A white one for mrs. Night
and a plaid one for jenny.

You know how many times I've told
you. Why don't you cut that out?

Quiet!

I ain't got no time
to be arguing.

I got business to take care.
You're gonna get a maid and that's it.

There's only one
way we'll have a maid,

And that's over my dead body.

Good. Then she can
clean up the mess.

And then when lionel told george
you had a maid, I didn't stand a chance.

Relax, louise. Having a maid
isn't the worst thing in the world.

But I told george I didn't want a
maid. He's not gonna push me around.

- Then get a divorce.
- What?

Sure. It'll be easy. All you
have to do is stand up and say,

"Your honor, I want a
divorce on the grounds...

That my husband is
forcing me to have a maid."

Then after they release
you from bellevue...

Tom! But it is funny.

What am I gonna do?

George called an
employment agency,

And tomorrow I'm gonna
be conducting interviews.

You know what's really
bothering you, louise?

You feel guilty about
spending the money.

I can't help it. It's the
way I was brought up.

"A penny saved is
a penny earned."

A penny? Ha!

You know who made those
sayings up, don't you? Rich people.

To keep poor people
happy about being poor.

Like, "I got plenty of nothin'
and nothin's plenty for me."

♪ And the moon
belongs to everyone ♪

♪ The best things
in life are free ♪

Like food, rent, clothing.

That's right. ♪ And I
got no checkbooks ♪

♪ Got no banks still I'd
like to express my thanks ♪

♪ I've got the sun in the
morning and the moon at night ♪♪

Did you ever try
living on sunshine?

They'd toss you in jail if
you tried living on moonshine.

Okay, okay, so I've
been brainwashed.

But how can I change
after all these years?

Tom, didn't you say
you wanted a coke?

Did i? Oh, yes, of course I did.

Sit down, louise. I'd like to
share something with you,

Something I had to learn myself.

Did you know that it is possible to
have a lot of money and still enjoy life?

Well, honey, I had a
lifetime of being poor.

Take shopping. All of my life, I've
only bought three kinds of dresses...

"Fifty percent off", "seconds"
and "going out of business."

You'll get used to it, louise.

All you've got to do is learn
three little words... "I'll take it."

But first I have to forget the
four big words... "How much is it?"

I always thought that money
could solve all our problems.

But I've had more fights
with george in the last week...

Than I've had in
the past 20 years.

I'm beginning to think
the bible was right.

Money is the root of all evil.

Money was new in biblical days.
They didn't know much about it.

I go with george bernard shaw... "The
lack of money is the root of all evil."

Well, my george...

Well, my george says the same
thing, only he puts it differently.

He says, "being broke stinks."

Hi there, george.

- Hi.
- What are you two
doing here?

Basking in the warmth
of your welcome.

Well, if you two
baskers will excuse me,

I'm gonna mix myself a drink.

Oh, george. It's all right,
louise. We're leaving.

- I hope it's not on my account.
- I can't think
of a better reason.

Helen, tom, wait.

George, I invited them here.
They're our guests. So you be nice.

Okay. Good night and
have a nice evening.

You hear that? And this is
the man that you said was right.

- Who said I was right?
- We did. We agree with you.

- Louise should have
some help around the house.
- You took my side, huh?

Yes, heaven help us. Good night.

Wait a minute. You're right.
You just got here. Sit down.

Sit on down. Relax. Well.

See how easy it is to
get along with him, helen?

Just agree with
everything he says.

I'm glad you two finally
straightened louise out.

Nobody straightened me
out. I don't want a maid...

And I still get goose pimples
thinking about those interviews.

Why don't you share our maid?
She only works for us twice a week.

Twice a week? We
don't want no used maid.


We're gonna get our own
maid, full time, five days a week.

Five days a week? Are you crazy?

This morning you
said once a week.

Things have gotten a
lot dirtier since then.

And you are more of a show-off.

Just because helen said
she has a maid twice a week...

Twice a week is a cleaning woman.
We're gonna have a real maid.

With a uniform. One
that fits my position.

Remember, I worked my way
from the bottom up to the top.

So does a gopher.

Oh, god, tom, it feels so good
to disagree with him again.

Let me tell you something
else about this apartment.

It's got a full-time
door. Use it. Bye.

Will you shut up! Shut up!
I'm tired of this! Just get out!

I hate to interrupt your fight
when you're really rolling,

But we can't hear the music
in there. Who we? Who, who?

Jenny and me. You and jenny?

She's got you locked in
that bedroom with her alone?

We ain't alone. We got gladys
knight, stevie wonder, rolling stones.

Don't give me that. The music might have
been playing, but you wasn't listening.

Jenny, come out here now. Why?

Pop knows we're messin' around.

Well, okay, as soon as I
can get into my clothes.

You come out here
right now, young lady!

All right. Anything you say.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

Both of you. And right in
your mother's house too.

Well, there's only one honorable
thing to do, dad... Force me to marry her.

You're her mother. Aren't
you gonna say anything to her?

I don't think that color
blanket suits you, jenny.

Okay, I'll take
it off. No, don't!

Now you satisfied, pop? Come
on. I'm not going anywhere.

You ain't going nowhere?
You can't tell me...

Woman, you better get in that room!
Who do you think you're talking to?

Now, you heard that?
That's how y'all look.

That was a great
imitation of you, george.

Fine son he is.

He could've stopped me before I
made a damn fool out of myself.

Well, he didn't know you
when you were first born.

George, why do we
have to fight so much?

If we have a problem, why can't we
just talk it through, like tom and helen?

They don't fight. They don't fight
'cause they're scared to fight.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You know damn well
what it means.

If you two ever really
started going at one another,

Inside of five minutes,
he'd be calling you...

- Don't say it.
- n*gg*r.

He said it.

Now, you listen to me.

We have had lots of fights
and it's never happened.

- Don't tell me it never
crossed your mind.
- No more than it...

- Ever crossed my mind to say
the word "h*nky" to tom.
- How come you said it then?

Come on, helen. Let's go.

That's the best idea
you've had all day.

Tom, I'm worried.

About what? Just now, in there.

Why did "h*nky"
ever cross my mind?

Why shouldn't it? Don't you think
words like that cross my mind too?

Yeah, but even when we've had our worst
fights, you've never called me n*gg*r.

That doesn't mean it
never crossed my mind.

Helen, remember you told me...

You used to have a lot of
terrible fights with your sister?

Yeah. We could have filled
madison square garden.

Well, didn't you have
any crazy thoughts then?

Sure. I can even
remember wishing her dead.

Can you realize that? And I really
loved her. Oh, I felt so guilty.

Honey, we can't stop crazy thoughts
from popping into our heads. Nobody can.

What matters is not what
passes across our minds.

It's how we live
our lives together.

And, baby, we've been
doing that pretty good.

Damn good.

I beg your pardon.
I'll come back later.

She hasn't even been hired
yet and already she's late.

That settles it, george. I
don't need a maid and that's that.

She ain't late. Stop
making excuses. She is late.

She was supposed to be
here at 10:00 for her interview.

Well, it's only
five minutes to ten.

Well, she's almost late.

- I'm not having a maid
and that's that.
- Give the woman a chance.

Good morning, louise. Oh,
hello, mother jefferson. Come in.

Oh, mama! Oh, george!

I was just passing by.

On the 12th floor?

I hope I didn't interrupt
anything. No, mama.

Louise was just waiting
to interview the new maid.

A maid?

You're getting a maid to look
after this itty-bitty apartment?

- Yes.
- Well, well.

All the years I was married, bringing
up a family in that great big house,

We never had a maid.

What great big house? We
had a three-room walk-up.

- He doesn't remember.
- No, you mean
you don't remember.

Don't talk to your mother like
that. Don't you pick on george.

He has enough on his mind trying to
think up ways to earn enough money...

To pay for your maid,
which you don't need.

Oh, you see there, george.
Even your mother agrees with me.

Well, on the other hand,

I can understand you
wanting somebody...

To keep the place
neat and clean...

For a change.

Mother jefferson,
why don't you go...

Go in the kitchen and get
yourself a cup of coffee.

Mrs. Jefferson? I'm florence
johnston. The agency sent me.

Oh, yes. Come in.

- This is my husband.
- How you do?

10:00 On the dot, louise. Oh, I
believe in being prompt, mr. Jefferson.

I always say I ain't got no right to waste
time when other people is paying for it.

I hear you. She's got the job.

Now, just a minute, george.
I'm doing the interviewing.

This sure is a lovely apartment,
mrs. Jefferson. Thank you.

And is that your kitchen? Yes.

Ooh, look at that kitchen.

And I see you got a cook too.

It's gonna be a real pleasure
looking after a place like this.

But it's a very large apartment.
We have four bathrooms.

That's good. I love large
apartments. Small ones are so boring.

But look at all those windows.

They must be cleaned
every two weeks.

- Every two weeks?
- Well, there you are, george.

- She doesn't do windows.
- Not no every two weeks.

I'd clean your
windows every week.

- You would?
- But there's just one thing.

I hope you don't have any
small children. Do you?

Oh, yes, we do.
Little lionel. Sorry.

Little lionel?
Lionel is 22 years old.

Will you stop fooling around
and tell mrs. Johnston she's hired.

I am? Well, sir, thank you.

I'll get the door for you.
See, she does doors too.

Hi, diane. Florence.
What you doing here?

- I'm the jeffersons'
new maid.
- What?

- Hi, diane.
- What you mean "hi, diane"?

- How come
you're hiring her?
- What?

She said how come you're
hiring me, mrs. Jefferson.

I know what she said. I wanna
know what does she mean.

I mean have I got
leprosy or something?

How come you didn't
offer me the job?

But, diane, you're my friend. I
can't ask you to work for me.

Well, I'm sure glad everybody
ain't as friendly as you are.

My children would
starve to death.

Hi, louise. Oh,
diane, you're here.

I knew you'd like her.
Isn't she wonderful?

Diane is your maid?

Yeah. Lucky we
weren't good friends.

Oh, diane, I'm sorry.
Well, it's too late now.

No, it ain't. It ain't no
problem. No problem at all.

Work it out with mrs. Jefferson. I can
always get something else from the agency.

Oh, thank you,
florence. Florence!

But there's just one thing. Do you
folks mind if I ask you something?

No. Go right ahead. You
live in this apartment, right?

Uh-huh. You got an
apartment in this building too?

Yes, that's right.

Well, how come we
overcame and nobody told me?

♪♪

♪♪

The jeffersons was recorded on
tape in front of a studio audience.

♪ Movin', movin on up ♪♪
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