01x05 - Mr. Piano Man

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Jeffersons". Aired: January 18, 1975 – July 2, 1985.*
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Spinoff series from "All in the Family" is about literal upward mobility of couple George and Louise Jefferson who move into a swanky high-rise building.
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01x05 - Mr. Piano Man

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♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To the east side ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment in the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To the east side ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got
a piece of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't
burn on the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up that hill ♪

♪ Now we're up in
the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

♪ As long as we live
it's you and me, baby ♪

♪ Ain't nothin'
wrong with that ♪

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To the east side ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment in the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ To the east side ♪
♪ movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got a
piece of the pie ♪♪

Mmm. Delicious.

These bagels, lox and cream
cheese are something else.

Mm-hmm. Jewish soul food.

I just wish I could
stop feeling guilty.

Why you feeling
guilty? Jews eat ribs.

Some of 'em even eat watermelon.

It's not what we're eating.
It's the time we're eating it.

11:00 On a sunday morning and we're
just having breakfast. That's sinful.

No, it ain't 'cause this
ain't breakfast. It's brunch.

- Brunch?
- The rich folks invented it...

So they wouldn't have to worry
about getting up too late for breakfast...

Or too early for lunch,
so they call it brunch.

What do we eat if we don't get
up until the afternoon? "Dinch"?

That's not a bad idea, weezy.

That's how rich folks get
more time to enjoy their money...

Because they make one meal do
the work of two; I call that smart.

When we had to do it in
harlem, it was called poverty.

You know something? I bet
you my banker, h.l. Whittendale,

Is having his brunch right
now, up there in the penthouse.

You know something else?
His chauffeur told me...

He always eats eggs
benedict every morning.

That's class.

This might come
as a shock to you,

But I don't care if whittendale eats
shredded wheat through a straw.

Well, you should
care 'cause I care.

I want the name george jefferson to be
a name h.l. Whittendale will never forget.

I'm sick and tired of hearing
you talk about whittendale.

H.l. Whittendale is head of
whittendale national bank, louise, and...

He could be very important
to me and my business.

And living here is a great
chance to get to meet him.

See? Even you agree.

Has it ever occurred to you, george,
that whittendale might not wanna meet you?

That's ridiculous, weezy. Look,
we're at a new station in life.

So why don't you stop knocking
it and bring out some more bagels?

I'm not knocking it. But I've got
to keep remembering who I am.

I don't mind living up to our money all
week, but I've gotta have sundays off.

One day a week, I've got
to be true to my roots...

To relax and be me.

♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪♪

Hey, there's something else
we need for our new station.

You seen these pictures of
them rich folks' homes? Uh-huh.

Look at this picture. You notice
anything special about the furniture?

Yeah. It looks like
nobody ever sits on it.

I don't mean that. Take
a look at this picture.

What's sitting in that living room
with the gleaming white teeth...

That we ain't got
here? Liberace.

I mean, what's liberace
got that we ain't got?

A closet full of candles?

He's got a piano. That's
what we need... A piano.

Weezy, you'll love it. See how
good a piano makes them places look?

Yes, but those are big homes.
That's old money, george.

So? The only difference between
old money and new money...

Is that the new
money crackles more.

Which is good because if
people can't see you've got it,

They can hear you've got it.

Why bother to buy a piano?

Just hang up a framed
picture of your bank balance.

No, that would be showing off.

See, a piano would bring
real class to this place.

That's great. Now what are
you gonna do for an encore?

Answer the door.

Good morning.

Hi, bentley. What did you do, lock
yourself out in your doctor dentons?

These aren't my pajamas. I've
been jogging. May I come in?

Only if you turn off your motor.

Come in, mr. Bentley. Thank you.

That's the funny part
about going for a run.

After you've finished
running, you've got

To keep running before
you can stop running.

Something to do with
letting the muscles unwind.

It's the, uh, sudden
stop that can hurt you.

Incidentally, did you
hear about that man...

Who fell from the 89th floor
of the empire state building...

- And lived to tell about it?
- No.

Yes. He told the people on the 88th
floor, the 87th floor, the 86th floor...

Uh, would you like
some coffee and a bagel?

Bagels. Marvelous.

You don't mind if I
take this with me?

I just popped in to tell you
that the willises are thinking...

Of holding a tenants' protest meeting, and
we were wondering if you'd care to come.

I ain't getting
involved in no protests.

- But, george...
- No way, louise.

We can afford to sit back and watch
whitey doing the marching for a change.

Well, I don't think it's a
march, just a stand-up buffet.

We just moved into the building,
and I don't wanna make no waves.

Besides, we ain't got
nothing to protest about.

You happy here, ain't you? Yes,
but people should stick together.

You stick together
when you're suffering.

We already done our suffering.

I see your point.
Well, not to worry.

Uh-oh. There's a new
one. What's that mean?

Well, that's russian for...

Which, of course,
is french for...

I think you could at
least have listened to him.

He speaks five different languages
and don't say nothing in all of 'em.

I don't understand that dude when
he's supposed to be talking english.

And sometimes I understand
him better than I do you.

Well, understand this. I just got me a
brand-new three-year apartment lease,

And I ain't making no
waves. But, george...

I don't want you jumping in those meetings
neither because you'd make a tidal wave.

Now, you watch it, george.

All right, louise, calm
down. I'm sorry. Sit down.

All I'm trying to say is we should
just try to play it cool for a while.

This is a great apartment,
ain't it? Of course it is.

And when we get our piano,
it's gonna be even better.

You still on that? Sure.
All rich folks got pianos.

How come we ain't got one? Maybe it's
because nobody around here can play one.

We got a fancy
french writing desk...

And nobody around here
writes french neither.

We don't need a
piano. Sure we do.

See, weezy, that's your trouble.
You don't have any sense of values.

The important thing is not to be able
to play it. It's to be able to afford it.

So, you're gonna order us a
piano first thing in the morning.

I don't know anything
about buying pianos.

What's to know? You just phone up
and order the best one in the store.

Okay, I'll order your piano.

Maybe we'll get a discount if I
tell them it's just for looking at.

Hello. Oh, hi.

- It's helen willis, george.
- Oh! Now give me
the good news.

Why, hello, george. I
thought you'd be in church...

Praying for a full
return to mental health.

Anyway, louise, a few of
the tenants in the building...

Are getting together
to have a meeting...

Oh, the protest meeting.

Bentley already laid that on us.

Uh-oh. More bad news.
What do you want?

I'd like to speak to my
wife if you don't mind.

Helen, I can't find
my fountain pen.

Use one of the ballpoint pens.
There are lots of them on your desk.

Ballpoint pens are not for
writing. They're for making marks.

I need a pen with a point. What
have you done with my pen?

I don't know. I might have
taken it to do the marketing list.

You wrote with it?

What are you supposed to
do with a pen? Paint the walls?

Don't you know what a
strange hand can do to the nib?

They don't make nibs like
that anymore. Look, you two.

I don't like no arguments
in my house. What?

You stay out of this, louise.
If you wanna have an argument,

You take it upstairs to your
own apartment where it belongs.

Just as soon as I find out
what happened to my pen.

Where is it? It's around.
Maybe in the kitchen.

And I better find it or I'm gonna
turn that apartment upside down.

Tom, you're just
being plain silly.

No, I'm not. I have
to do my work now.

I'm ready to do my work
now, but I can't because of you.

You just don't understand. You
know what you are? You are a...

Uh-oh. Here it comes.
He's gonna say it now.

You're damn right
I'm gonna say it.

You are a woman,
a typical woman.

That's a terrible thing to say.

I don't think
that's so terrible.

I thought he was gonna
call her a... George!

I'm just a terrible wife.
That's what I am, huh?

You bet you are.

And you could be in big trouble
if I didn't love you so much.

Big trouble.

How about you going with him?

I'll leave as soon as I get your
answer about the protest meeting.

Shall we count you in?

No. You can count me out.
I don't want no part of it.

But the more support
we get, the better.

The parking rates in the
garage are going up 25 percent.

Who cares? I ain't got no car.

But that's not the only thing.

Take security. They're
letting the night doorman go.

I ain't surprised. Last time
I saw the night doorman,

He was so stoned I had to
show him where the door was.

They're cutting down on
services any way they can.

That's why we're trying to get everybody
who's important in this building...

You folks, the
mcallisters, the lachmans,

The whittendales, the nelsons...

Did you say
whittendale? The banker?

Yeah. We invited him too.
We're inviting everybody...

Who's concerned about
the problems in the building.

You know, you're right. You
make a whole lot of sense.

We do have problems in
this building. Big problems.

Come on, george. You just
said we had no problems at all.

That's because I didn't
wanna worry you.

We got lots of trouble. This
apartment happens to be the apartment...

Which needs more attention
than all the others put together.

That's why I think we ought
to have the meeting right here.

You mean you wanna
hold that meeting here?

Sure. And show them
how to do it in style.

Free food, free
booze and free music...

On our brand-new
little old piano.

I'll tell you what else
I'm gonna do for you.

Just give me those invitations and
I'll put my own personal p.s. On it...

To make sure whittendale comes.

I hear it, but I don't
believe it. You can believe it.

Sure. I always say, if you wanna
get anywhere, you gotta make waves.

Right, weezy?

Doorbell, mrs.
Jefferson! I'll get it!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Ooh!

Good evening. We're the
nelsons. Mr. And mrs. Nelson!

How do you do?
Won't you come in.

It's so nice of you to
have a party. How are you?

The food is right over there.

Florence, I could k*ll you.

I go out to the store and you let those
people bring in that monster of a piano.

How could you have done that?
Well, you know, I thought to myself,

"Nothing but a crazy person would
want something like that in here."

But then I remembered I was
working for your husband.

So I said, "bring
it on in, honey."

Doorbell, doorbell.

Good evening. Mr. Bentley!

Yes?

Florence, you're on
duty, aren't you? Yes, sir.

Good evening, mrs. Jefferson.

Here. Let me.

That doesn't seem to
work either, does it?

I'll take that. Can
I get you a drink?

Yes, thank you. A scotch, neat.

Don't worry. You'll
get a clean glass.

Oh. No, I didn't mean I
wanted a clean glass.

Well, I do, but what I wanted was
no water and no ice. That's neat.

That's weird.

Well, this is the big night, eh?

I still can't get over your
husband changing his mind...

About the tenants'
meeting like this.

I say, you've-you've rearranged the
furniture or something, haven't you?

Good lord, a piano.

I say, it's rather,
um, large, isn't it?

About as large as the bump...

I'm gonna raise on george's
head when he gets home.

I know... I know exactly
what it needs. Ludwig.

What? Ludwig.
I'll be right back.

What about his drink?

I need it more than he does.

Doorbell, mrs.
Jefferson. I know.

Mr. And mrs. Willis,
mrs. Jefferson.

Come in. Hello, louise.

If you can get in. Thank you.

Hi. Hi, everybody. Hello
there. How are you?

Helen, look at this.

Wow. I haven't seen
a piano this big...

Since betty grable and 30
chorus boys danced on one.

Well, you know what they say...

"Large oaks from
little acorns grow."

Well, this big piano
came from a little nut.

I didn't know
george was a pianist.

He isn't. But when he heard
mr. Whittendale was a music lover,

He hired a piano
player to entertain.

Of course the piano
player is home with the flu.

- You don't play, do you?
- No, I don't. I'm sorry.

Still, I must say george is
really fighting for the tenants.

This postscript he put
on all the invitations,


Now, this is strong stuff.

Yes. I didn't know that the paint
was peeling in the corridors.

I didn't know we had
cockroaches either.

It isn't and we don't.

Oh, you mean george
just got carried away?

Not yet, but I'm still hoping.

You know, in my building,
the roaches are so big...

That when you step on 'em the
crunch drowns out the television.

And they just go splat!

Oh, you don't like
them things, mr. Willis?

I seem to have lost my
appetite for the moment.

Hi, everybody. Mom, look who we found
downstairs in the drugstore. Grandma.

- Oh, hello,
mother jefferson.
- Hello, louise.

I see pop finally got his piano. It's too
bad they were all out of the big ones.

If I hadn't bumped into
lionel in the drugstore,

I wouldn't have known
you were giving a party.

I expect my invitation got
lost in the mail, as usual.

It isn't a party, mother
jefferson. It's a tenants' meeting.

Why don't you come
and have a drink? Mm.

Mrs. Jefferson, is there
anything I can do to help?

Have you got an a*?

My, what a lovely piano.

And what fun you're gonna
have polishing it every day, louise.

I'll get it!

I'll get it! I'll
get it! Excuse me.

Oh, it's all right. It's
just me and ludwig.

Here we are.

- Home at last.
- Beethoven, right?

Right. And he's all yours, mrs. J.
I'm sure he'll be very happy here.

Oh, mr. Bentley,
you shouldn't have.

I know, but I did it anyway.
Isn't he marvelous?

Very lifelike.

You have to speak up. He
was quite deaf, you know.

Doorbell.

Good evening. We're
the mcallisters.

The mcallisters, mrs. Jefferson!

How do you do? Come
right in. How do you do?

Mr. And mrs. Lachman.
Mr. And mrs. Lachman!

I can hear them, florence.
How do you do? Mrs. Jefferson.

How are you? Come right in.

Wait, please. Mr...

Mr. George jefferson!
I know who I am.

Oh, george, I'm glad
you're home at last.

I've been trying to get
you on the phone for hours.

I got held up in traffic. Is whittendale
here yet? Not yet, but everybody else is.

Good. I wanna be the
first to welcome him.

What the hell is that?

Last time I saw something this
big is when I was in the navy...

And we was trying to sink it.

That's what you told
me to get, george.

What's whittendale gonna think
when he sees the place looking like this?

Maybe the music will take his mind
off the piano. Where's the piano player?

In bed with the flu.

Well, there's nothing you
can do about it now, george.

So say hello to your
guests. Go on. Circulate.

Circulate? Ain't even
enough room to stand still.

Hi, george. You know
the nelsons. Oh, yeah. Hi.

Hello, jefferson. I must say we're
delighted that you're leading the protest.

Aren't we, marian? Enchanted.

Yes, you colored
folk can teach us a lot.

You know, how to be militant.

Who you calling
militant? I'm a businessman.

Do I look like a
militant to you? Well, i...

Mr. Jefferson. Mr. Jefferson, wait.
Wait. I want you to say hello to ludwig.

Hello, ludwig. And don't
you call me a militant.

- And don't you call me ludwig.
- My name is frank.

That's whittendale.
I'll get it. I'll get it.

No, I'll get it. I'll get it.

Who are you? Bill simpson.
I brought your bench.

My what? Your seat.

The store forgot to put it on the
truck when we delivered your piano.

You delivered that? Yeah.

Couldn't you see
it was too big? Yeah.

Why didn't you take it back?
It's too big to take back.

Piano that size is
just for bringing.

Don't give me none of your lip! You're
ruining my whole future with that...

Don't yell at me, mister. I ain't
yelling! I just got a loud voice!

Will you come with me,
please? Excuse us, please.

Excuse me.

Where are we going?
We're going in the

Kitchen where we can
talk this over quietly.

That damn piano is
k*lling my whole party!

Get it out of here right now!

Man, you're crazy. I can't
do that all by myself.

Why not? What's this, beer fat?

I didn't have to
come back tonight.

I brought you that bench
on my own time, as a favor.

A favor? Who you think
you're jivin', turkey?

Turkey? Who you calling
a turkey, you jive turkey?

You! You dumb furniture mover!

Dumb? I didn't order no piano without
checking the measurements first.

That's him. It's
whittendale. I'll get it!

I'll get it. I'll get it!

That's him.

I'll get it.

I'll get it, mr. Jefferson.

Well, come in,
mr. Whittendale. Come in.

- Mr. Jefferson?
- In person. But you can call me george.

Thank you, and you can
call me mr. Curtis. Oh.

- You ain't mr. Whittendale?
- No, I'm mr. Whittendale's
representative.

- What time's he coming down?
- I'm afraid he's not,
mr. Jefferson.

But he did request that I
convey his sentiments to you.

Oh, well, do come in. Thank you.

These are the other tenants, my
family and my wife, mrs. Jefferson.

Hello. Hello.

Well, well. Are you a
music lover, mr. Jefferson?

Oh, sure, just like
mr. Whittendale himself.

Why don't you play something
for us, mr. Jefferson?

Oh, yeah! George,
play something.

Well, I'd be glad to, but
it's broken. No, it ain't.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
No, it ain't. No, it ain't.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Haven't we met somewhere before?

No, he ain't a tenant.
He's just a piano mover.

Maybe the moon beam club.
That's it. The moon beam.

You are bill simpson. Oh, my wife
and I just love the way you play.

- Thank you.
- What are you doing
moving pianos around?

Just helping out a friend
who owns a piano store.

Well, I see. Would you
be available to play...

At mr. Whittendale's
party next saturday night?

- For a handsome fee,
of course.
- Sure.

Here's my card. Just write your
agent's name and number there, please.

And be sure you tell
mr. Whittendale I discovered you.

Now, I gather that you are
also responsible for this meeting.

Yes, I am. I am the chairman.

And you sent this letter?

No, but the p.s. Part is mine.

That dumb landlord
is giving us a bad time,

And we're gonna do
something about it, right?

Right!

In that case, mr. Whittendale has
asked me to read this statement.

Hey, that's great.
Everybody listen to this.

"Dear mr. Jefferson,

"Since this building is owned and
operated by the colby corporation...

"Which also controls the
whittendale national bank,

"It would be a conflict of
interests for me, as your landlord,

- To attend a protest meeting."
- Landlord?

Mr. Whittendale owns
the building? Uh-huh.

"Furthermore, I deeply resent the
fact that you, our newest tenant,

"See fit to become a troublemaker
by making unsubstantiated charges...

"Against the
building management.

"And, mr. Jefferson, if these
efforts don't cease immediately,

"We shall seek legal recourse.

Signed, h.l. Whittendale."

Oh, thank you. And
good night, mr. Simpson.

It's been a real
pleasure meeting you, sir.

Oh, the pleasure's mine.

Well, you got your wish.

George jefferson is one name...

H.l. Whittendale ain't
gonna ever forget.

Well, don't just sit
there. Play something.

♪ The party's over ♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

The jeffersons was recorded on
tape in front of a studio audience.

♪ Movin', movin' on up ♪♪
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