03x01 - George and the President

[bunniefuu]

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got a
piece Of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
In the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't
burn On the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up that hill ♪

♪ Now we're up
In the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

♪ As long as we live
It's you and me, baby ♪

♪ There ain't Nothin'
wrong with that ♪

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got a
piece Of the pie ♪

[VACUUM CLEANER ROARING]

Hey.

Hey!

Oh, hey.

What are you doing
with that apple?

I was thinking of
going fishing tomorrow

and I'm looking for a worm.

I mean, do you have to
eat while you're working?

Oh, don't worry. I can do
two things at the same time.

I don't want you to do two
things at the same time.

Okay, you're the boss.

Put the apple away.

That's what I'm doing.

George!

What are you doing
home so early?

I got a business
appointment coming up here.

An advertising guy.

Ooh, I wouldn't
trust one of them.

Who asked you?

I wouldn't believe

nothing them
advertising folks say.

Especially in them commercials.

Look, you just get back to work.

Advertising is
good for business.

Hmm. All I know is
none of them detergents

ever turned my
hands soft and white.

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]

Will you shut that
damn thing off?!

You told me to get to
work! Do it someplace else!

I already did the
someplaces else!

You better get out of here.

Florence, why don't
you put on some coffee?

Anything you say,
Mrs. Jefferson.

Why are you meeting
with an advertising man?

'Cause I'm in trouble, Weez.

And you're gonna advertise that?

No! That's stupid.

That never stopped you before.

Whose side are you on?

I'm sorry, George.

What's the trouble?

[SIGHS]

Oh, the store downstairs.

I'm gonna lose all my
customers to Sam Cunningham.

But, George, you
always give good service.

Now, why should your customers

suddenly start running across
the street to Cunningham?

Because of this.

He's passing these out
all over the neighborhood.

"Bring your clothes
to Cunningham,

your bicentennial Uncle Sam."

Good heavens.

Another bicentennial sale.

I'm beginning to think that 1776

isn't a year, it's a price.

It is a price! Looka here.

"Dresses cleaned for 76 cents."

What's he gonna do, run
'em through a car wash?

Seventy-six cents?

Maybe we ought to take
our clothes over there.

Come on, Weezy,
you don't understand.

Will you look at this and
tell me what you see?

I see a guy dressed
like Paul Revere

on a big horse, yelling...

Oh, I don't believe this.

"One if by land, two if by sea.

Three shirts for a dollar
if you bring 'em to me."

That's not the important part.

That's Cunningham on the horse.

And what color's
the horse? White.

Uh-huh. What color's
that wig? White.

And what color is the
face under the wig?

White. You got it.

I got what?

That h*nky's trying to
run me out of business

by running a r*cist campaign.

George, that's ridiculous.

Weezy, this whole
bicentennial thing is ridiculous.

Ain't nothin' but
a white rip-off.

All the revolutionary
dudes were white.

They all lived in
the White House.

They even put white in the flag.

It also has red and blue.

Well, it ain't got no
black in it, does it?

No, the only black flag
we've got is for k*lling roaches.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be the
advertising guy.

Get rid of that vacuum cleaner!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Florence, why don't
you get the door?

Because I ain't
expecting nobody!

Don't expect your salary either!

Mr. Jefferson? That's me.

Hi. Cal Roberts.

Ah, I've been expecting
you. Come on in.

[CHUCKLES]

Louise, this is Cal
Roberts from the ad agency.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet
you, Mrs. Jefferson.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll leave you two
alone to talk business.

Wait, why don't you stay?

I've got an idea that I want
to throw at Mr. Jefferson,

and I'd like to see
what you think.

What do you care
what she thinks?

Women are a very important part

of the consumer
market, you know.

Sure, I knew that. I
was just testing you.

ROBERTS: Good! Good.

I like that! I like a man

who doesn't take
me at face value.

Now... Mr. Jefferson...

Ah! Just call me George.

Anybody that's gonna
help me b*at that h*nky...

I mean, that whitey.

I know what you mean, George,

and don't be afraid to
say "h*nky" around me.

In fact, I would like you to
think of me as a "brother."

You as a brother?

I told you not to
take me at face value.

[LAUGHS]

Seriously, though...

when I'm working on a campaign,

I like to identify
completely with my client.

Okay, Roberts, you're a brother.

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

Okay!

You're a brother!

Now let's T-C-B.

"T-C-B"?

Uh, "Take care of business."

Oh, yeah! Yeah.

R-O, George.

"R-O"?

"Right on"!

[LAUGHS]

Uh, why don't we all sit down?

Uh, th-thank you. Thank you.

Uh, now, George...

we, uh... we were brainstorming
your problem over at the agency and...

we decided that you've
gotta fight fire with fire.

You mean burn down
Cunningham's store?

No. No.

Look... Cunningham is
cashing in on the Revolution

and our forefathers
at Independence Hall.

So why don't you
do the same thing?

'Cause our forefathers

didn't have nothing to
do with the Revolution.

They weren't even nowhere
near Independence Hall.

And if they were there,
they weren't voting.

They were dusting.

Wrong, Mrs. Jefferson.
There were lots and lots

of black patriots in the
American Revolution.

Like, for instance, just
off the top of my head,

there was... Crispus
Attucks i-in 1770

at the Boston m*ssacre.

Oh, yeah! I always liked him.

You know, he's
the one that said,

"Don't fire until
you see the whites."

George!

No. It's all right... sister.

I'm a brother... remember?

You got a plan, Roberts?

Have I got a plan.

What if we could tell everyone

that they could get
their clothes cleaned by

by the great-great-great-grandson
of Thomas Jefferson?

Great. But where
are we gonna get him?

He's right here.

You? You!

Me?

Him?

You jivin'.

Thomas Jefferson was
white. Do I look white?

Well, if you are,
it's sort of off-white.

[LAUGHS]

Seriously, though...

let me give you a
few historical facts.

Now, Thomas Jefferson,
our third president,

had a black sl*ve woman
who was his housekeeper.

So what else is new?

Well... she was
also his mistress. Oh.

It beats scrubbing floors.

R-O!

[LAUGHS]

The black woman's
name was Sally Hemings.

She had five
children by Jefferson.

And they say Washington
was the father of our country.

She was quite a woman.
Round the plantation,

Sally Hemings was known to
everyone as "Dashing Sally."

With that h*nky chasing
her all over the place,

no wonder Sally was dashing.

[BOTH LAUGH]

But she must have slowed
down at least five times.

So...

if Cunningham is gonna
use a bicentennial campaign

to take customers away from
you, we go him one better.

We tell everyone that
George Jefferson is

the great-great-great-grandson
of Thomas Jefferson.

George, related to
Thomas Jefferson?

Can anyone prove he's not?

Oh, Florence was right
about you advertising people.

No wonder you've got the
whole country talking to butter.

Yeah, but the hard part was
getting the butter to talk back.

Next thing you'll be telling us

is that Diana Ross is
related to Betsy Ross.

Great idea! Great idea.

Well, George, what do you think?

I don't know.

This whole idea of yours
sounds pretty crazy to me.

Oh, now... Now listen,
George... brother.

Let me paint you a picture.

Now, George... I see...

two cleaning stores facing
each other across the street.

Mine and Cunningham's.

Right!

Now in Cunningham's window,

all I see is a
crummy little picture

of a guy trying to
look like Paul Revere.

And a sign that says,

"The cleaners are coming,
the cleaners are coming."

I hate that sign.

Yecch!

But look! Where?

There! There's not a
single customer in that store!

Good! Where did they all go?

They all went to
the other store,

because there I see an elegant
picture of an elegant man.

Me? Right!

And your sign says...

["MINE EYES HAVE SEEN
THE GLORY" PLAYING]

"If Jefferson was good enough

"to write your Declaration
of Independence,

"then his great-great-
great-grandson

is good enough to
clean your shorts."

That's beautiful!

And you've got
customers by the hundreds!

By the hundreds!

And they all got clothes to
clean and money to spend.

Yeah, money!

And the line stretches out
as far as the eye can see.

As far as the eye can see!

And do you know who's
standing at the end of that line?

Who? Cunningham!

And he's standing in New Jersey!

Right!

Now hold it!

My husband has always operated

in a dignified and
ethical manner.

What you are suggesting

is undignified, unethical
and totally dishonest.

Isn't it, George?

Yeah, you're
absolutely right, Weezy.

It's every one of those
terrible things and some.

So, when do we start?

[♪♪♪]

[LOW VOICE] Sign right there.

Here you are, Florence.

I sure hope this is the last

of the dishes, Mrs. Jefferson,

'cause I got to be
leaving soon. Why?

I promised my
boyfriend I'd stop by

and clean his place for him.

You work here all day

and then you go clean
your boyfriend's house too?

Oh, I don't mind.

Here, it's for the money.

At his place it's for the
fringe benefits, honey.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Oh, you're welcome!

Hi, Mom.

Hi!

Oh... Oh!

Oh, these books are heavy.

That's because
they're full of big words.

Well, whoop, whoop-de-do.
And I got two small words for you:

You are...

Lionel... why are you letting
Jenny carry all those books?

Oh, he's being funny
because I was arguing with him

about equal rights for women.

And she won the argument.

So I gave her the
right to carry the books.

Well, when a boy used to
walk me home from school,

I made him carry my books.

Really?

Yeah.

And that way, I always
knew where his hands were.

Hey, wait till you see all this stuff
we dug up on Thomas Jefferson.

Yeah, I thought he
was just a president.

I didn't realize
he was smart too.

Oh, yeah! He was a scientist...

a writer, an inventor.

The man was into everything.

I'll bet he never thought
he'd be into dry cleaning.

He was a... A good musician too.

Did you know he
played the violin?

Yeah, I heard about the
way he fiddled around.

Hey, there's a lot
of information in here

about the children he
had by Sally Hemings.

Yeah, and about their
children's children.

Oh, Ma, listen to this...

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, halle... ♪

♪ Shop-bop-a-do-be-do-bop Ow! ♪

Weez... I ain't felt this good

since the day I
got out of the Navy.

That says a lot for
the day we got married.

Yeah, well, that
wasn't bad either.

Ask me how my
advertising campaign's going.

No. It's going great!

People I ain't never seen
before are coming into the store.

One guy brought
in his clean clothes

just so he could look at me.

[LAUGHS]

I don't like it.

I hate to see you
lowering your dignity.

I ain't lowering my dignity.
I'm raising my profits.

Here... read this.

Out loud!

Sorry.

"Get your clothes
cleaned by the fellow

who's related to the
man from Monticello."

You mean, "Get yourself
gypped by the dude who's flipped."

You got two choices:
shut up or disappear.

Do 'em both.

"Great-great-great-grandson

of Thomas Jefferson."

Oh, George!

Well, wait a minute.
Wait a minute here.

What are you doing?

There's a picture here
of Jefferson's grave,

and I want to see if
he's turned over in it.

Oh, yeah, I bet you
my real granddaddies

are rolling over in their
graves and laughing.

After all these years
whitey done used us,

it's about time we used him.

Ah, you're rationalizing, Pop.

Ain't nobody rationalizing!
I'm advertising. Ha.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Weezy, get the door.

Man, this campaign's gonna
knock that h*nky Cunningham

right off of his white
horse right onto his white...

George!

As I was saying,
Weezy, get the door.

Oh, hello, Mrs.
Jefferson, ma'am.

I have a package
here for Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, thank you, Ralph.
I've been waiting for this.

Well, what is it?

It's a surprise.

Yes, sir, it felt
like a surprise...

so I knew you'd want
me to bring it right up.

I know how
valuable your time is.

Thanks, Ralph.

And, of course,

you know how
valuable my time is.

Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

One of my new business cards.

Your new business card, sir?

See? It's a $2 bill.

It's got Thomas
Jefferson's picture on it.

Oh, yes, sir! Your
great-great-grandfather.

You've made him
quite famous, sir.

Well, I just gave him a
little publicity, that's all.

Here you go, Ralph.
Thank you, sir.

Um... You know...

a lot of people find
the $2 bill unlucky.

Okay. I got a $1 bill.

Fortunately, I'm
not superstitious.

Good day.

Well, what's the
surprise, George?

You'll see.

In the meantime,
don't nobody leave.

Knock, knock!

Oh, hello, Mr. Bentley. Come in.

Oh... you were supposed
to say, "Who's there?"

And then I would say, "Harry,"
and you would say, "Harry who?"

And I would say, "Harry up
and let me in. It's cold out here."

Oh, well, I'm sorry. Ah.

Who's there?

Who's where?

At the door.

Oh, I don't know.

No... No, no, no, no.

I just said, "Who's there?"
so you could do your little joke.

Ah, but your "Who's
there?" doesn't work

without my "Knock, knock!"

You want to try
it again? Well...

Knock, knock! Who's there?

George Jefferson!

Well, Weezy, what do you think?

I think you should
pick door number three.

Man, what are you
doing in that crazy outfit?

This ain't crazy!

In 1776, everybody
dressed like this.

Ain't that right, Bentley?

Uh, no. Huh?

I believe the women wore skirts.

[LAUGHS]

What am I asking you for?
You British were the enemy.

Oh, not all of us. My
family were against George.

How could they be? I
wasn't even born then.

No, he's talking about
George III, the King of England.

I knew that.

Who do you want, Bentley?

Oh, I was wondering if I could
borrow today's newspaper.

Oh, certainly. Didn't
they deliver yours today?

Ah, yes. But the poodle
in 12C got to it before I did.

Chewed it all up, huh?

Uh, no. But for
such a little dog,

his coverage of the
news was remarkable.

Cherry-bye.

Mr. Jefferson...

why are you dressed like that?

'Cause I'm gonna
have my picture taken

to put in my store window.

Your picture?

You made fun of
Cunningham for doing that.

That's 'cause he ain't
as pretty as me. Ha-ha!

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Oh, child, what you doing?

[LAUGHING]

What are you laughing at?

I knew it was gonna happen.

He done finally wigged out!

Oooh! Help him, Lord.

Now, you listen to me.

I don't have to listen to you.

I'm on my own time.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You better answer the
door. You've got a visitor.

I'm gonna k*ll her!

One of these days
I'm gonna k*ll her!

Hi, George. What
was that all about?

Don't pay that no mind.
That's just our ex-maid!

Don't you look like something!

You're gonna look great
in that picture, George.

Hi, Mrs. Jefferson.
Hello, Mr. Roberts.

Ahh, this must be your boy.

I mean, your son.

That's right.

And this is my boy's girl.

Jenny, Lionel... this is
Mr. Roberts from the ad agency.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

Look, George,

I just came by to let you know

that I'm not letting any
grass grow under my feet.

Well, don't be bringing
none in here either.

[CHUCKLES]

What?

Oh, grass growing!

[LAUGHING] It's
good. It's good. Good.

Listen... I talked
to a friend of mine

at the mayor's office
about you, and guess what.

The mayor wants you to
go on television with him

on a local bicentennial show.

What?! Yeah.

Did you hear that, Weezy?

The mayor wants me to
go on television with him!

Wait till Cunningham
hears about this! Ha-ha...!

Yeah, that'll shake
up that h*nky.

[BOTH LAUGH]

What did he say?

It's all right, Lionel.

He's a brother. At least
while I'm paying him.

R-O.

[CHUCKLING]

"R-O"?

That's white talk.

You should have
understood half of it. Ha-ha!

Hey, Mom, what's
Pop gonna do on TV?

See what's behind
door number three.

No, I ain't!

Am I?

No, no, no.

You're gonna talk
about how you made

your American dream come true.

Oh, yeah.

I can tell them about

how I climbed the ladder
of success, rung by rung,

with nothing but guts,
drive, determination...

And a little white blood.

Say what?

Oh, yeah. That's right, Pop.

Grandpa Thomas
Jefferson's blood.

That's right, brother.

You're gonna be
there to represent

the great American melting pot.

What pot?

Isn't this wonderful?

You and I have a lot in
common, Mr. Jefferson.

We're both part h*nky.

Now you can go on television

and tell the
whole city about it.

Wait a minute.

This was an advertising gimmick.

I ain't related to no
Thomas Jefferson.

Can you prove that? Say what?

Can you prove that
Thomas Jefferson

isn't really your
great-great-great-grandfather?

Come on, Weezy, now, you know...

Lionel... is there
anything in these books

to prove that your father

isn't really related
to Thomas Jefferson?

No. And, in fact, I
was just reading about

one of Jefferson's
sons who settled in Ohio.

And Pop, didn't you

once tell us that we
had relatives in Ohio?

I said around Ohio.
I didn't say in Ohio.

And your mother told me you
once took some lessons on the violin.

Well, what did...?

Oh, listen. You're
beginning to sound like

a true Jefferson to
me, Mr. Jefferson.

This is terrific!

Do you still play the violin?

I never played the
violin! I just took lessons.

Oh. Well, can you fake it?

[ALL CLAMORING]

Wait! Ho-ho-hold it!

Everybody hold it!

I-I ain't related to no
whitey, and you all know it.

Well, I'm not so sure
about that anymore.

Don't worry, George.

Once you've been on television,

everybody will
know what you are.

I ain't going on television.

Oh, no, no. Now. Now, George.

George, look,
don't be so touchy.

Look... according to statistics,

the way people
are intermarrying,

in a thousand years from
now, we'll all be the same color.

With a little luck,
I'll be dead by then.

But... But nothing!

I ain't going on TV. I
ain't going on with this.

The whole campaign is off.

But... But... Don't
worry. You'll get paid!

I'll send you a
check in the morning.

Well, Mr. Jefferson...

And you ought to be
ashamed of yourself

trying to get me to do
something as dishonest as that.

Does this mean we can't
be brothers anymore?

Y-S-I-H.

"Y-S-I-H"?

"You said it, h*nky."

George, I'm proud of you.

It took you a while,

but you finally
did the right thing.

Thanks, Weez. Now what am I

gonna do about Cunningham?

Oh, Pop. You don't
have to worry about him.

You got the best
chain of stores around.

Yeah, your customers,
they know that.

Besides, no matter how
many sales Cunningham runs,

there's one thing in his
stores he'll never have.

What's that?

You.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Weez.

And from now on,
I'm gonna run my store

ethical, dignified and honest,

just like you said.

Oh, now, that's
my little pumpkin.

Whoo!

Hey, Weezy, do you still have

my old boxing
trunks from the Navy?

Your boxing trunks?
I think so, George.

Good. 'Cause I got
me a great new idea

for an advertising campaign.

What's that?

Well, I'm gonna have

a lot of pictures taken of
me in my boxing trunks.

And I'm gonna put up a
sign in the window that says:

"Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee,

I am the cleaner who
taught Muhammad Ali."

[MUMBLING]

Weezy.

George... Weezy!

George, wake up!

Where were you?

Here.

Why wasn't you there?

Where?

In my dream. I needed you.

Oh, you had a nightmare.

The worst.

I was walking down the street,

and everybody
was the same color.

It was terrible.

Why?

Because I couldn't tell

the white blacks
from the black blacks.

Oh, George...

Wait, that's just the beginning.

Then suddenly everybody
started chasing me.

And I ran and ran until
I got into Monticello,

in the midst of
this great, big party.

And Thomas Jefferson
was there, playing the violin.

Well, what's so bad about that?

He was using me as the bow.

Scraping me back and forth.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

Did you sound good?

Terrible.

Only thing we could
play was "Dixie."

Go to sleep, George.

Okay.

What are you doing?

This time you're going with me.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: The
Jeffersons was recorded on tape

in front of a studio audience.

♪ Movin' Movin' on up ♪♪