02x18 - Big Heap Herman

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Munsters". Aired: September 24, 1964 – May 12, 1966.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


1313 Mockingbird Lane revolves around a family of monsters.
Post Reply

02x18 - Big Heap Herman

Post by bunniefuu »

I have summoned
you all here tonight...

on the stroke of midnight
for this annual Munster ritual.

A ceremony which has been a
tradition in our family for over 100 years.

This is a very solemn occasion.

And it's all going to be decided
in the democratic manner.

The fair, decent,
honest American way.

Now, I want you
all to remember...

no hard feelings.

Whatever the results, we're
gonna abide with them...

with good humor
and sportsmanship.

[creaking]

One vote that we spend
our vacation at the beach.

Another vote for the beach.

Another vote for the beach.

And another vote for the beach.

There's still one
more, Uncle Herman.

I'm not going to
read it. And why not?

Because it's my vote...

and I voted to go
to Buffalo Valley.

And if I can't go to Buffalo
Valley, I don't want to go anywhere.

And another thing,
I demand a recount.

Because I say that
this election was fixed.

It's just not fair, and it's nothing
but a case of crooked politics.

I've been robbed.

Well...

now that our annual
democratic election is over with...

I hope we all enjoy
Buffalo Valley.

I'm sure we're all going
to enjoy it, as usual.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be
able to make it, Uncle Herman.

I have tests at school...

and besides, everyone
knows that Buffalo Valley...

is definitely no
place to meet boys.

Perhaps your dear uncle is hoping
you'll meet some rich, handsome buffalo.

[train horn blowing]

Here we are, Mom. Number 10.

Herman...

do you mean you just got an
upper and a lower for the four of us?

That's right, dear. You see,
that way I got the excursion rate.

For goodness sakes.

We'll simply have to double up.

You and Grandpa
can have the upper.

But, Lily... No arguments.

Do you want to spoil this
miserable trip before it's begun?

Now, Eddie, you run
along and get ready for bed.

Don't forget to
brush your fangs.

Will it be all right with
you if I go first? Certainly.

[Grandpa screaming]

Will you be a little
careful, Herman?

[gibbering]

I'm sorry.

[sighing]

Darn!

I guess I'll just have
to jump up there.

Grandpa, help! Help!

Oh, boy.

Grandpa, quick, we're
coming to a tunnel!

Hold still a minute.

Okay, Herman, now. Think small.

[gasping]

Thank you, Grandpa.
Don't mention it.

[panting]

You know, Herman...

I wonder if I should have
stopped off at the freight yards...

and bought a livestock permit
before we boarded the train.

Why do you wonder that?

Because I've never traveled
with a jackass before.

Now, let me see. I've
forgotten which one it is.

"The two men looked
up in quivering horror."

It's along here somewhere.

"Suddenly from
behind the curtain...

"appeared the ghostlike figure
of the dear dead Lady Madeline...

"still wearing the shroud,
in which she'd been buried."

I think this is it.

[gasping]

Whoops, wrong berth.

Poor man must have suddenly
realized he'd passed his station.

Herman, will you settle down?

[grunting]

You almost k*lled me
getting undressed in here.

Knock it off, Grandpa.

And will you get your foot
out of the pocket of my nightie?

Boy, the last time I tried to
sleep in a place this small...

some guy shoveled
dirt in my face.

[yawning]

Herman, what's the matter
now? I need a drink of water.

Shuckie!

No water. I'm dying of thirst.

If I knew who used up the water,
I'd k*ll them, that's what I'd do.

I'd k*ll them. I'd k*ll
them. I'd k*ll them.

I'd k*ll them. I'd k*ll them.

[train screeching]

[growling]

I'd k*ll them! I'd k*ll them!

[all screaming]

Herman, what's going
on? I don't know, dear.

I didn't realize that many people
were nervous about riding on trains.

[train horn blowing]

It was real neat, Mom, while we
were getting dressed this morning...

somebody folded up
all the beds. Yes, dear.

But why did they bring
our breakfast in here...

instead of letting us go to
the dining car? I don't know.

They said something
about all the passengers...

getting together last night...

and insisting that we have
this car all to ourselves.

I must say, it was very
considerate of them.

Please, dear, I'm trying to read this
fascinating historical data to my son.

"On the way to Buffalo Valley...

"our streamliner carries us
through miles of barren desert...

"the heart of the
Owagi Indian Country."

"Although civilization continues
to infringe on this territory...

"legend has it,
there still may be...

"one or two lost Indian
tribes living in the desert."

[yawning]

My, isn't this interesting?

Sure, Pop, if you say so.

[snoring]

"Anthropologists tell us the
sociological implications...

"of various artifacts found in
this region are far-reaching."

What do you think
of that, Eddie?

[grunting]

Train must be stopping
for mail or something.

Might as well get off and get a
magazine while we're waiting.

[crashing]

No newsstand here. I guess
it must be around the back.

That's funny, there's no
newsstand here, either.

I guess I'll just have to
sit down and read my...

fascinating travel booklet.

[laughing]

[sighing]

"The warm desert sun...

"coupled with the vast
expanse of wasteland...

"made this area one
of unending monotony...

"for the early
prospectors and settlers.

[train clattering]

"They were often lulled
into a hypnotic trance...

"which no sight or
sound could penetrate."

[snoring]

[snoring]

Lily.

Lily.

[laughing]

[sighing]

[train horn blowing]

[grunting]

Darn!

The minute a fellow's back is turned,
that sneaky old train disappears.

I think that's pretty
inconsiderate, don't you?

All right, don't answer
me, you old sorehead.

I'll bet you used
to give sour milk.

"Village, 6 miles."

Well, I guess I
better head for it.

That's what they always used
to do on Death Valley Days.

White man speak
with forked tongue.

Warriors att*ck wagon train.

Bring back many scalp.

Ah...

Look, I told you
20 times, Manikoo.

I can't do those cornball lines.

I feel like a schnook
b*ating that crummy drum.

Look, Wonga, I don't
dig the bit, either...

but it's what the
tourists expect.

We don't put on a good show, they're
not gonna come down here weekends...

to spend their big heap
wampum. But, Manny, we've been...

Let's face it, man...

the whole tribe's going broke
with this kooky Indian village gig.

We ain't even making the profit we used
to on the tomahawks and the blankets.

Yeah, the Japanese
wholesaler raised the price.

I know. The only answer
is to pep up the show.

Knock out the rain-dance number
and put back the wagon train finish.

Let's go.

Powatuma speaks.

Our tribe came here
many moons ago.

We hunt buffalo,
we plant corn...

we prosper.

Yeah, Chief, that
was a long time ago.

The only thing we've got going
for us now is tourists and Medicare.

Ancient legend says,
prosperity returns to tribe...

when Mighty Spirit
Wanitoba returns from desert.

Guy Chief, that
legend's 200 years old.

You don't really think there ever
was a Mighty Spirit Wanitoba?

My great-grandfather
saw Spirit in vision.

Carve face on totem pole.

One day, great
God of Wanitoba...

will return from desert.

Grandpa, I'm so worried.


You mean to say you and the
conductor searched the whole train...

and Herman is not
on board? That's right.

But I just found
another conductor...

who said he saw someone
answering Herman's description...

get off at Indian Flats.

But that was two hours ago.
Why didn't he say something then?

He said he just got up enough
courage to come out of the broom closet.

I wonder what he meant by that.

Anyway, we'll get to
Buffalo Valley in 10 minutes.

We'll just get the next
train back to Indian Flats...

and we'll start
looking for him there.

Grandpa, what are we gonna
do if Pop's disappeared for good...

and we never find him at all?

What are we gonna do?

We'll just send in
his return trip ticket...

for a cash refund, that's
what we're gonna do.

[wind howling]

[exclaiming]

Must be one of those lost
Indian tribes I was reading about.

Just hope it's not a mirage.

I guess nobody's home.

Wonder if this
place is deserted.

Holy mackerel. There,
Wonga, what is it?

You got me, Manny.

But he's a dead ringer for
the top man on the totem pole.

Legend come true.

Mighty Spirit
Wanitoba, return to tribe.

(Powatuma) Ancient
prophecy fulfilled.

We greet Wanitoba as
the morning greets the sun.

Huh.

[laughing]

[train horn blowing]

Lily, here's where Herman
got off, and there goes our train.

What do we do now?

Eddie! Here I am, Mom.

"Village, 6 miles."

Do you think he could
have started out for there?

Hey, Mom, Pop did come this way.

Here's this crummy travel
folder he was reading.

Eddie, you're right.

Come along, Grandpa.

Neither blinding sun...

nor burning desert sands shall
keep us from the swift pursuit...

of our beloved Herman.

March.

Boy, things aren't crazy
enough on this trip...

your mother has to go and do
a commercial for the post office.

But you know that guy
who walked in here...

may get this tribe a
little prosperity after all.

The rest of the legend says...

that if great God Wanitoba
marry Indian maiden...

then crops grow, wampum
flow, everything is cool, daddy.

Old green-in-the face marry
one of our Indian chicks?

The Chief is arranging it now.

It won't be legal or anything, but
it'll make old Powatuma happy...

and beginning next
week, if it's a hit...

we can stage the ceremony
three or four times a day.

That'll bring the tourist
trade back with a bang.

But will nausea-puss go
along with it? Are you kidding?

When I told him the set-up,
you know what he said?

"Gee, I always wanted to be
in the show biz. Ho, ho, ho."

He may look like
Totem Pole Charlie...

but underneath it all,
he's strictly Rotary Club.

[exclaims]

I think just a little bit more eye
shadow and we've got it made.

Say, I took a
peek at my fiancée.

I think this is gonna
be a real fun thing.

[laughing]

Hey, Mom, I think
I see a village.

There's tents and stuff.

(Lily) I hope so.

Boy, this reminds me of the good old
days in the Transylvanian Foreign Legion.

Just keep remembering...

that whatever Herman's
doing, and wherever he is...

he' s thinking of
his little family.

[speaks tribal language]

[speaks tribal language]

Hmm.

[speaks tribal language]

[laughing]

Hey, Mom, that's Pop.
He's playing Indian.

I'll say. And look who
he's playing Indian with.

Friends of the groom.

[speaks tribal language]

That goofball is
really getting married.

Oh, you're darn right.

[stammering]

[speaks tribal language]

Lily!

You can bet your
chicken feathers, it's Lily.

All right, Chief
Glint-In-The-Eye...

we're taking the
next train home.

But, Lily... Don't
"but Lily" me.

(Herman) Lily. Lily.

Let's go, Eddie, before
your mother forgets...

she's a lady and tomahawks
him into the happy hunting ground.

Well, there goes
the old ball game.

Yeah, but you know, Manny...

I kind of feel sorry
for Chief Powatuma.

He really believed that
old Indian legend. Yeah.

Look at him over there, pouring
his heart out to the ancient Gods.

Wanitoba...

you are mighty, you are wise...

but tell an old man one thing...

why you send me
cockamamie Indian?

But, Uncle Herman, how could
they talk you into getting married?

I don't know. Those
nice Indian fellows said...

I'd help bring prosperity to the tribe
and they made a big fuss over me.

Heck...

for the first time in my
life, I felt really important.

Important?

So when those nice Indian fellows
presented me with a headdress...

and all that groovy w*r
paint and everything...

gee, I felt like
a big movie star.

Like Jack Lemmon,
or Sal Mineo even.

I guess that's why I did it.

You know something,
Herman, that even gets me.

Hermie...

I didn't know that
you felt that way.

And I want to apologize
right now for misjudging you.

I know you didn't really
care about that Indian girl.

Why, certainly not,
dear. Why would I?

I mean, I've got a real
going squaw like you at home.

Can I ask you something,
dear? Anything, dear.

You want to Indian wrestle?
Post Reply