Hey, Pop.
Eddie...
I have told you never to
sneak up on me like that.
Sorry, Pop.
I might cut my
sideburns crooked...
and ruin my button-down
Ivy League image.
Pop.
There's something I
want to ask you. Eddie...
if I cut my head off with this razor,
I'm sending you straight to your room.
Gee, Pop, all I want to ask you is if
you'd give me a picture of yourself.
A picture of myself? What for?
I don't want to embarrass you, Pop, but
you are the handsomest father around.
Go on. Go on. Go on. Go on.
And you're the neatest
father a kid could have.
Go on. What are you
stopping for? You're doing fine.
Well, I just wanted
a picture of you...
so I could send it in to the
Father of the Year contest.
Me? Father of the Year?
No, Eddie.
I hardly think so, Son.
Okay, Pop, if you don't
want me to enter you.
Come back here
this instant, Son.
[snickering]
You'll find a photograph of
your father in the top drawer.
Thanks, Pop.
Of course, it's really not
fair to the other fathers.
Once the contest officials see
my photograph, I win hands down.
[grunting]
Aunt Lily, I don't know
what to do with this.
A few sh*ts of penicillin
should clear that up in no time.
Grandpa, this lump of clay is
Marilyn's new project for art class.
She has to sculpt
something out of it.
Maybe I could do a bust
of a classical Greek...
like Apollo or Achilles, or...
Seymour. Who's Seymour?
Who's Seymour?
Seymour Akalatzis.
He was a famous Greek
taxidermist back in Transylvania.
He used to stuff all the guys'
mother-in-laws for free room and board.
No, I need someone
a little more interesting.
[door creaking open]
Hi, everybody. (both) Hi!
Hello, dear.
[chuckling]
[exclaims]
What's this pile
of junk doing here?
Herman, this is
Marilyn's art project.
Marilyn's art... Oh.
Say, listen, that
shows lots of talent.
Lots of style there. Very good.
Herman, Marilyn
hasn't even started yet.
It's for my art class and I'm
trying to think of a good subject.
Like what?
Well, Marilyn thought maybe
something like a Greek god...
a masculine face with
finely chiseled features...
a head that will show
the beauty and strength...
of perfect manhood.
[clearing throat]
A Greek god...
a masculine face...
the beauty and strength
of perfect manhood.
Marilyn dear, he's standing
right here in this room.
Thank you. But I am
too nervous to pose.
No! No! No! No!
Me. Me. Me.
Herman Munster.
Father of the Year
candidate, and Greek god.
I hate to throw my
modesty to the winds...
but let's face facts.
Herman, I've never been
so seasick before on dry land.
You know, If Michelangelo
had used me for a model...
there's no telling how
far he could have gone.
Herman, would you
mind closing your mouth...
while we're trying to turn
you into a work of art?
Hey, Pop. Guess what?
I just mailed your picture to
the Father of the Year contest...
and guess what the winner gets?
Lay the goodies on me, Clyde.
First, there's a trip to Hawaii.
Oh, boy.
I better start packing my baggies
and wax down my surfboard.
I'll do it for you,
Pop. Thank you.
And in addition, the
winner gets four new suits...
a whole new wardrobe...
and a lifetime supply
of frozen enchiladas.
Yummy.
Won't it be fun to have
a Father of the Year...
in our very own family?
[guffawing]
Herman will never make it!
What do you mean,
"Herman will never make it"?
Well, in the first place,
Herman has a colossal conceit.
I do not. You do so.
I do not.
I have a plain,
ordinary conceit.
And you're just being jealous.
Just because you're not
up for Father of the Year...
you're acting like a big baby.
Yourself.
Grandpa, now stop this bickering
or I'll send you up to your slab.
Well, there's
one thing for sure.
That bust of Uncle Herman is
going to get me an A in art class.
All righty, I'll
call it Confetti.
It's a nutty business here.
Hello, Professor
Von Fagenspahen.
I brought in my sculpturing
project a little early.
Aren't you a beauty, sweetie
student. I wish everybody was like you.
Here, hold this. Let's take a little
peek here and see what we got here.
For goodness sake, what is it?
It's my sculpture, Professor.
[exclaiming]
Such imagination!
You have drawn from the very
depths of your creativity to fashion this.
[chuckling]
You have captured
man in his very essence...
right down to the button.
Get a load of that schnoz there.
I really owe a lot to the model.
This is primitive man
in all of his rawness.
This is beautiful
savagery. This is...
[stuttering]
But model? What model?
My Uncle Herman, he modeled
for me and I just sculpted.
Wait a minute, hold
here the horses, darling.
You mean to say that there is someone
like this alive around here someplace?
Yes. He lives at home with
us and he's just 151 years old.
[stammering]
A hundred and fifty...
Wait a minute, once
more, what did you say?
I said he's my uncle
and he's 151 years old.
That's what I thought you said.
Excuse me a minute, darling.
I will take this now, thank you.
[door creaking]
Hello, Uncle Herman.
(Herman) Hi, Marilyn,
how was school?
Just wonderful, my art professor
really loved the bust I did of you.
He even took a photograph
of it to show his colleagues.
Goody!
What are you two doing here?
I was just telling
Uncle Herman...
how much the Professor
loved my project.
It really knocked him out.
Well, your Uncle Herman's looks
have always bowled people over.
Mom, has the mail come yet?
I want to see what the committee
said about Pop being Father of the Year.
Not yet, dear.
By the way, Herman,
what are you whittling?
I'm doing a
self-portrait in wood.
If I can make it
do me justice...
I might mass produce them
and make a million dollars.
That's a neat piece of wood,
Pop. Where'd you get it?
I found it standing out on the front
porch. Standing out on the front porch?
Herman, what do you think
is holding up the front porch?
Are you insinuating that
I'm fatheaded enough...
to remove a piece of wood
that was supporting the porch?
Precisely.
Poppycock and balderdash.
[rumbling]
[rubble crashing]
[glass shattering]
[glass shattering]
Dumb old porch.
Now, I have in my art
class a Marilyn Munster...
a very pretty little chicken.
Anyway, she is making this
an art project, a sculpture.
I want to show you what she did.
(Theodore) Hmm.
She seems to have captured a perfect
likeness of a prehistoric caveman...
but what of it?
What if I told you that
this prehistoric caveman...
is Marilyn's uncle
and he's alive?
And breathing yet.
I'd say that...
either you've been having
archeological hallucinations or...
you've been hitting the sauce.
Knock it off with the
sauce. I'm off the sauce.
What I am telling you
is true here, Professor.
Do you realize what this
means? What it is we got here?
If we could prove that our
missing link here is actually alive...
then we could become
famous in scientific circles.
Knock it off with the scientific
circles, that's for the birds.
If we can prove that
this missing link is alive...
we'll be filthy rich!
In the ocean, we'll tell
everybody to jump...
the dean, the Board of
Regents, the whole schmeer!
Professor Von Fagenspahen,
you are a genius.
Naturally, I'm German.
The first order of the day is
to write to our missing link...
and have him come here
for a physical examination...
then we'll cash in on him.
[both laughing]
You may be a
prehistoric monster...
but to me, you're
a beauty-sweetie.
[glass shattering]
The mail's here.
Oh, my.
That mailman certainly
keeps his distance...
since that time Spot
buried him in the backyard.
Some people get
so annoyed with pets.
Goody, there's one for me.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy, what? Listen.
"Dear Mr. Munster...
"my colleague and I were very
impressed with your photograph.
"Therefore we would like you
to appear before our committee...
at the State University at
your earliest convenience."
I've done it again.
Herman, what are
you talking about?
It should be obvious, Grandpa...
those discriminating judges down at
the University are about to elect me...
Father of the Year.
It's that contest Eddie
entered my picture in.
Herman, I'm so excited!
My husband, a celebrity.
Now I know how
Lady Bird must feel.
Father of the Year
Committee, here I come.
Gentlemen, that letter...
should have reached this
Herman Munster, a long time ago.
If he doesn't show up, we're going
to blow a bundle, you know that?
I know. I just hope he looks like this
picture, that this isn't some kind of joke.
But this just can't
be. It's impossible.
Do you expect me to believe that a thing
like this is living in this day and age?
You're right, Doctor. We
must have been crazy to think...
that we could have
discovered a real missing link.
I'm so excited. I could
go back on the sauce.
[knock on door]
I guess you could say I come
from the school of hard knocks.
Mr. Munster?
That's me, in the flesh.
What green flesh, yet.
Look at that face. But
he's real! It's incredible!
Say, what are you
guys whispering about?
This is a big day for all of us.
Let's get on with the interview, so
you can lay all those prizes on me.
Excuse me...
[stuttering] but I didn't
hear what you said.
My ear didn't get a
good grip on your words.
Prizes.
You know, all the neat junk you're going
to give me for being Father of the Year.
Prizes? Father?
Excuse me, my colleagues and I have to have
a little conference, if you don't mind.
Please, colleagues,
in the corner, please.
Did you hear what he
said? He wants prizes.
And he says he's a father.
Take a look at that puss on him.
I'd hate to see what
his offshoot looks like.
Whatever the offshoot looks like,
I'll bet it's very popular on Halloween.
The main thing is to humor him
till I can complete my examination.
Let's go, team.
Do I get my prize now?
In a minute you can have
all the prizes you want...
the doctor wants
to examine you first.
The doctor wants to examine me?
Yes, we want to see if
you're in good shape...
so that you can carry all
those nice prizes home.
Yeah, on top of that we
wouldn't like to have...
the Father of the Year being a
broken-down bum, would we?
I suppose not.
[laughing]
Okay, close up the mouth now so
we can commence to begin here.
I can't believe it. I
just can't believe it.
My son-in-law,
Father of the Year?
Now, Grandpa, the committee wouldn't
have sent for him, if Herman hadn't won.
Hmm.
Your move, sucker!
It looks like I won that game,
stupid. Now pay up that bet.
You ain't gonna pay?
You fink! I should have
left you where I found you.
He looks familiar.
Who is that you're playing
checkers with, anyway, Grandpa?
Some deadbeat I dug up on one
of my walks through the cemetery.
How dare you come into our
house and weasel out on a bet!
I'll have you know we are
respectable and honest people.
Now, you get out of
here! Out! Out! Out!
[footsteps echoing]
You were a nothing when I
found you and you're still a nothing!
Now, what were you saying?
We were talking about
Herman's being Father of the Year.
I'm glad he did
win that contest.
If he hadn't have won, we would have
had an 8-foot crybaby on our hands.
You know, for the
award ceremony...
I think I'll send to Saks
Transylvania for a new shroud.
Hi, everybody.
What's the matter, Eddie?
I was just over at my
friend Buster Jordan's house.
You look like the world
is coming to an end.
That'd be just fine
compared to this.
Buster's father won the
Father of the Year contest.
But, Eddie, that's impossible.
Your dad is meeting with the Father
of the Year committee right now.
Eddie, what is this?
It's the contest announcement
in the afternoon paper.
You know what the
worst part is? What, dear?
I got the dates mixed up.
Pop would've won,
only I goofed it up.
I mailed his picture into the
contest after the deadline.
(Lily) I don't understand.
He's supposed to be meeting
with the committee now.
I wonder who he is talking with?
The last time he
met with strangers...
they sold him the Vic Tanny
franchise for Greenland.
Don't worry about it. Herman
has a good head on his shoulders.
Nothing in it, but he's got a
good head on his shoulders.
(Theodore) I want
you to notice his head.
Barring an absurd
skull thickness...
his brain capacity
measures 2,500 centimeters.
Mr. Munster, you have enough
brains to fill a large bucket.
I don't know about that, but...
I do wear a size 16
and seven-eighths hat...
and I'm kind of partial
to black Homburgs.
You are an incredible specimen.
Thank you. I try hard.
I want to measure his chest.
Doctor, if you tickle me,
I'm gonna tickle you back.
Try to sit still, Mr. Munster.
I won't move a muscle.
Good. Yeah.
I wouldn't want you to get the wrong size
when you measure me for my new wardrobe.
By the way...
do you see me in a black raw silk with
two buttons and a natural shoulder feel?
Mr. Munster, I'm sorry, but we don't
know what it is you're talking about.
You see, we're all
a little thick up here.
Well, I am getting measured
for my prizes, aren't I?
Yes, the prizes. Of
course, the prizes.
Prizes!
Shall we try the
patellar reflex?
As long as it isn't
anything naughty.
Very interesting.
[grunting]
Must make a note, no
knee reflex whatsoever.
We're all put together
differently, you know.
I want to test the chest cavity.
[thumping]
[glass shattering]
Oops-a-daisy!
Boy! You're a live
one, all right. Yes.
I think we've seen enough
now. We'll send you home.
Send me home? Yeah.
Send me home without my prizes?
My Father of the Year prizes.
If you send me home without my
prizes, I'm gonna hold my breath.
Mr. Munster, no. Come on.
Come on. We'll give you all
the prizes you want, believe me.
Now, come alive. Come
on, team, give me a hand.
You'll just go home like a nice little
Kind.You'll hear from us, believe me.
Now be careful, watch your step.
Bye! Bye.
[exclaims]
What a find. An actual live
throwback to prehistoric times.
He's worth his weight in gold!
But what was all that talk
about Father of the Year?
Herr Doctor, when you have
a beautiful caveman like that...
who's a potential money-maker
right in the palm of your hand...
you don't worry
whether he's a nut or not!
Oh, dear, I just
won't be able to do it.
I simply can't tell Herman
he's not Father of the Year.
Boy, do I feel awful.
Somebody will have to tell him.
[door creaking opening]
He's home.
[door creaking]
[door closing]
At least we could
break it to him gently.
Hey, Mom, I just remembered...
I left the newspaper
in the living room...
that tells about Mr. Jordan
winning the contest.
Oh, dear, I hope
Herman doesn't see it.
[growling]
He saw it.
Lily dear, what is
the meaning of this?
Well, you see, dear...
It's all my fault, Pop.
I didn't mail your picture to the
Father of the Year contest on time.
Uncle Herman,
you would have won.
I'm fully aware
of that, Marilyn.
You mean you aren't going to
flip out or anything, Herman?
Grandpa...
I understand the
situation perfectly.
A man of my mettle must
readily absorb disappointments.
It was just a simple mistake.
[chuckling]
The child here failed to enter me on
time, therefore, I could not compete.
Therefore, the contest went
to another man, therefore...
it's an open-and-shut case.
Pop, I'm glad you're not mad
at me. Son, I'm not finished.
Therefore, I do not
get my new wardrobe.
Therefore, I do not get
my free trip to Hawaii.
Therefore, I do not get
all my other neat prizes.
Therefore, I'm going to have a
tantrum. Because, you know what this is?
It's dirty! Dirty! Dirty!
It's rotten! Rotten! Rotten!
Crummy! Crummy! Crummy!
[growling]
I'm certainly glad you
calmed down, Herman.
When you pounded your
head against the wall...
our entire chimney collapsed.
I'm still a little peeved at those guys
at the university for making me think...
I won the Father
of the Year contest.
I wonder who they were?
[door closing]
Spot went out and fetched
the newspaper again.
Wasn't that nice of him.
Will you look at this!
Will you look at this!
It explains who
those ninnies were...
that pretended they were the
Father of the Year committee.
Hmm.
(Grandpa) "Professors
fired from university...
"for perpetrating hoax.
"They claimed to find
a prehistoric living man.
Doctored photograph
is proof of hoax."
Listen to this
editorial comment.
"How ignorant do
they think the public is...
to believe this creature
could be walking our streets?"
Well, I say it serves those
dirty little professors right.
Imagine trying to pass off a
handsome specimen like me...
for a prehistoric monster.
It proves one thing, Herman...
that this world is
full of weirdoes.
You're so right.