COCKEREL CROWS
'New from Wraith Babes, the hottest
girls in nasty situations.'
SONG: I Have A Dream by Abba
♪ I have a dream
♪ A song to sing
♪ To help me cope with anything
♪ And my destination
makes it worthwhile
♪ Pushing through the darkness
♪ Still another mile
♪ I believe in angels
♪ Something good in everything I see
♪ I believe in angels
♪ When I know the time
is right for me
♪ I'll cross the stream
♪ I have a dream
♪ I have a dream... ♪
'Let's play Botherguts!'
VIOLIN PLAYS
'Hey, come on!
'Three, two, one!
'Go! Whoo-hoo!
'Chuck her a bun!
'Not hungry?! That's a first, hey?!
'Come on!
'That'd hurt!
(LAUGHS) Brilliant!
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Ah, f*cking brilliant, that!
Um, that one does that sometimes.
Hang on.
There's a little knob
in here somewhere.
Almost the only real thing in there,
and even that's grown
in a Petri dish.
Thank you.
VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS
SEXY MUSIC PLAYS
'Hmm. Oh, ah.
'Hmm. Licking my p*ssy.'
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Way to mood-k*ll, blubbernaut!
Cheers for the reflection!
One minute I'm in slitsville,
the next there's a haunted pig
gawping at me. They may as well
have cut to a w*r crime!
(LAUGHS)
Pie ape!
You see that?
f*cking pie ape!
(MAN COUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
He'll be in lemon
and all before long!
g*nshots
'Selma Telse.'
♪ Destination! ♪
'Howie Mandelbrot.'
'Toy Soldiers'
'Each headlines their own content on
one of your eight daylight streams.
'But they started here, like you.
'Putting their back into giving
back for a brighter now.
'Each paying their dues like you,
hoping to become a hot sh*t.'
♪ Pushing through the darkness.
♪ Still another mile. ♪
'That wasn't good...
'..that was beyond incredible!'
♪ I believe in angels... ♪
'You decide the victors,
you control their fates,
'you make the call on Hot sh*ts.
♪ I believe in angels
♪ When I know the time
is right for me... ♪
'New from Wraith Babes, the hottest
girls in the nastiest situations.
'So let's view it.'
'Resume viewing. Resume viewing.
'Resume viewing.
'Resume viewing. Resume viewing.
'Resume viewing.
'Resume viewing. Resume viewing.
'Resume viewing.'
SEXY MUSIC
'You are going to see it all.'
'Exclusively on Wraith Babes XL.
'Hey, what else were you planning
to do with that hand?'
'You lick my p*ssy, baby.
'Oh, I turn you on!
'Oh!'
'Hi, I'm Roxy, hello.
'Hi, I'm Evie.'
COCKEREL CROWS
LIFT BINGS
Didn't let him sign in.
Told him to report to 22 down.
Told ya!
He's gone lemon, the lazy f*ck!
What do you think?
It's a bit much.
Yeah.
'Best thing about my new lifestyle?
Um, where do I start?
'I love choosing my own clothes
and I love gold.
'I feel like it really
expresses who I really am
'and I love looking over outside.
'It's so beautiful sometimes, I just
wish that everyone could see it.'
Oh, nice outfit(!)
Suits you. (LAUGHS)
'Well, honesty is ruthless
so I suppose it's just honesty...
'ruthless honesty.'
URINATING
♪ You can blame me
♪ Try to shame me
♪ Still long to have you
♪ The world may think I'm foolish
♪ They can't see you
♪ Like I can
♪ Oh, but anyone
♪ Who knows what love is
♪ Will understand
Drying my hands.
Impressive.
(MAN SPITS AND FARTS)
Have fun...
I mean, on the...
'Hey, regular user!
'New from Wraith Babes, the hottest
girls in the nastiest situation.
'Select view... '
d*ck.
(g*nsh*t NOISES)
g*nf*re
Detritus. Sorry.
(MUMBLES)
♪ Who knows what love is?
♪ We'll understand
♪ To do...
LOUD MUSIC AND VOICEOVER
AUDIO STOPS
♪ Any more
♪ Who knows what love is?
♪ We'll understand. ♪
MACHINE BEEPS
Come on!
Wait. There's a knack to it.
- You'll take your fingers off.
- Trust me.
ITEM DROPS INSIDE MACHINE
Smart.
Bing Manson.
Short for Bingham.
Abi Carner.
Short for Abi Carner.
You're a new person.
I've not seen you.
I just went 21 last week.
I wanted to go to Airdale
My sister's there, but...
It's full, apparently.
Proper fruit.
It was worth the risk.
The most natural thing in there's
probably grown in a Petri dish.
Yeah.
Quite good, though.
Yeah. That's the right way round.
When you get the cheap one,
you end up having to pedal it off.
Then you want more sugar. Then
you're playing catch-up and I've...
I've been there.
It's a vicious circle.
Can't you just use that CPT app?
What's that?
This cognitive behavioural thing.
It realigns your thinking
to pick healthy food.
Whispers you into it
while you sleep.
Yeah, I should try that, yeah.
I liked your singing the other day.
I was trying to sing
so no-one could hear me pee.
I'm not Selma or anything.
You've got a phenomenal voice.
It was the most beautiful song...
Y... You think I'm being cheesy?
All right, I am being cheesy.
But it was beautiful, so, you know...
Reality's cheesy sometimes.
Not often, admittedly, but...
Now.
Yeah...
Well, thank you.
It's just noises, though.
Noises in the right order.
Don't downplay... you're good.
The song's good. It's old.
My mum used to sing it
and she learnt it from her mum.
A hand-me-down.
You thought of trying out
for Hot sh*t?
(LAUGHS) Me?
Why not?
Singing in front of Judge Hope?
I'd die! Seriously, I'd be halfway
to the afterlife come the chorus.
No, you'd walk it.
A) I wouldn't.
And B)... I don't have
that clockage.
It's, what, 12 mil just to enter?
What kind of bike time is that?
Six months?
- Yeah, but...
- I'm hand to mouth.
I know people save and stuff
to get onto that stage
and then there's what Selma did.
But, you know what?
- I'd rather not give myself...
- Yeah, but I'll gift it to you.
The full 12, I'll gift it.
Don't be ridiculous!
Seriously, I've got it spare.
You've got 12 mil spare?
My brother left it me.
Own a channel, does he?
No, he...
He d*ed.
He... He d*ed last year,
so it got transferred to me.
Just over six months' worth,
but I've kept it.
Why don't you spend it on you, then?
And buy what? Some new shoes
for my doppel to wear?
I don't know, upgrade your MOS...
Or get a Fat att*ck season pass?
Buy one of those wall buddies.
The new ones that talk to you after
shutting and solve your problems.
They guide your dreams, like gurus.
It's amazing, really, what they can do.
A mirror plug-in? That shows me how I
look as a werewolf? What's the point?
- I know it can be quite funny.
- It's all just stuff. It's...
It's stuff, it's confetti, it's...
You've got something real.
What better to spend it on?
You heard me singing in a toilet.
Is that real?
More than anything that's
happened all year.
I can't take that kind of clockage
off someone.
It's 12 mils, no way.
Let me do this.
I... I look around here, I just...
I just want something real to happen.
Just once.
I'd mess up.
You wouldn't. I don't care anyway.
I'll go with you.
I'll be able to force you.
I'll force you to go.
It's tomorrow.
Come on!
Say yes.
I'll go as far as to say, "OK."
Which proves acceptable.
Thank God for that.
Walking away now.
You loon!
I can live with it!
(SIGHS)
I'd love to f*cking ruin that
and all.
What?
15?
A flippin' joke...
(LAUGHS)
LOUD MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS
'New from Wraith Babes.
'The hottest girls
in the nastiest situations.'
Oh, yeah! Ooh!
(SIGHS)
Can't believe I'm doing this.
I am doing this.
I can't be doing this.
Can you trade it back?
The ticket?
Don't be mad.
It's a lot of pressure
to put someone under, you know.
Don't think I'm not grateful.
But it's, it's just...
You're babbling.
I'm babbling.
I made you this.
You never get to keep them more
than a day, but there it is, anyway.
It folds flat.
So you can keep them
in your waistband.
Thank you.
It's, you know...
something.
Face the screen, please.
Is he your Friends And Family
allocation?
(Yeah).
Hand, please.
Oh!!
That's not permanent, is it?
Oh, no. Two months max.
Round to the right,
and through the scanner.
VOCAL EXERCISES
Where do we go now?
You wait here.
How long?
So, what do we do?
I don't know.
Hey, hey, hey.
f*ck off.
Her with the dark hair?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pretty one.
Yup. OK. Move.
They want to preview you.
- What?
- Preview. Come on.
- He's with me.
- Hand?
Show me your hand.
OK. You, too.
That's not fair.
She's new. That's not fair.
I don't pick the order.
I've waited here all week,
and she's just walked in.
Everyone will get seen eventually.
I don't pick the order.
But I'm a good singer.
I can sing. I'm a good singer, I am.
- Stand aside.
- It's not fair!
It's not fair!
- Next lot.
- Stand there.
Would you like to be as big as Salma
one day?
Erm...
Yeah, I mean...
Could you say that
as a self-contained sentence
into that screen?
I guess I'd like to be
as big as Salma one day.
OK. Proceed to stage area.
Are we done?
- Both performing?
- Just her.
- Okay... and what are you?
- Singer.
- Cuppliance?
- No, thanks.
A-ha. Yes, thanks!
It's compulsory for all contestants.
More to the point,
it'll stop you puking with nerves.
- She's got to perform.
- Well, mmm(!)
Look, just sip it, you'll be fine.
Just a touch of light foam.
It'll pass.
Make the most of it.
You can't get this stuff
anywhere else.
You OK?
Yeah.
You OK?
Yeah. Just, erm...
I don't know. Things are just
wider apart. I'm fine.
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Right. You're on.
A little closer, please.
Little closer.
Into the light, love.
- And who're we looking at here?
- Abi Khan.
What are you going
to do for us today, Abi?
I'm going to sing.
You speak up, love.
We don't bite.
I'm going to sing.
Hey, would you mind
lifting up your top for me?
Can you take off your top?
I want to check out those titties.
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Oh!
Come on. Mucho feranto.
Ah! No titties?
She says she's here to sing.
I got to see
those titties, though.
Come on, girl.
I mean, damn!
Heh-heh-heh.
You hot.
Please, just sing for us.
♪ Anyone
♪ Anyone
♪ You can blame me
♪ Try to shame me
♪ And still I'll care for you
♪ You can run around
♪ Even put me down
♪ Still I'll be there for you
♪ The world may think I'm foolish
♪ They can't see you
♪ Like I can
♪ Oh, but anyone
♪ Who knows what love is
♪ Will understand
♪ Anyone
♪ Anyone
♪ I just feel so sorry
♪ For the ones who pity me
♪ Anyone
♪ Cos they just don't know
♪ Anyone
♪ Oh, they don't know
What happiness and love can be
♪ I know
I know to ever let you go
♪ Oh, is more than I could ever stand
♪ Oh, but anyone
♪ Who knows what love is
♪ Will understand... ♪
OK. I'm going to stop you there.
That was...
without a doubt...
probably the best piece of singing
we've had this season.
Yes! Well done!
CHEERING
Fair play.
But I have to say...
BOOING
No. No, no, no.
I have to say,
actually,
I'm with Rafe on this one.
Good though your voice is...
and it is good.
It's not the most magical sound
in the world.
It's just... good.
I don't think anyone's
really hearing it.
Certainly not the guys
in the audience.
These looks you got going on
kind of get in the way.
Men will want you.
Women will hate you.
All the time you're on stage.
Couldn't help picturing you.
In an erotic scenario.
CHEERING
Getting pretty turned on,
if I'm honest.
Right.
You've got this pure beauty
What seems to be
a knockout figure.
And this sort of interesting
innocence going on.
That's something I think
Rafe's erotica channels
could really play with.
Absolutely. That's what I thought
the moment I saw you.
The moment.
I'd watch. I don't know a man here
who wouldn't.
To be honest,
some of us girls might join you.
CHEERING
Get off me!
Don't! Abi!
No! Abi! Abi!
I don't think that's quite...
You will never have to pedal again.
Not one minute.
We could really work with you.
Last year we had
singers, singers, singers.
So many singers.
So, to be a singer you have to be
truly exceptional
There's just no slots left
for an above average singer.
Not for the next few years,
at least. Charity?
No. Saturation point, singer-wise.
Listen. We said,
right from the start.
We'll go with something
different this season.
That's why he's on the panel!
She would be a star on our stream.
A star.
On his...
You're furniture, at best.
Forget about all the shame,
and all that ppht-ppht-tew.
We medicate against that.
You will have pleasure forever.
Realistically, sweetheart,
it is that,
or the bike.
I, I don't think...
This is starting to annoy me.
Who do you think is powering
that spotlight?
Millions of people. That's who.
All of them, out there, right now.
Putting in an honest day
on the bike,
while you stand in the light
they're generating
and dither.
You know what?
They would give anything.
Do anything to be where you are now.
Am I right?!
CHEERING
You want to cock a snook at all
that, as though it's nothing.
As though they're nothing.
And that makes me sick.
But, you know what?
Maybe you do belong on the bike.
Because you don't seem to be
very willing to step off it.
I do want to.
We have a decision?
(CROWD CHANTS)
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
I suppose.
CHEERING
Woo-hoo-hoo! Go on!
Well done!
MELANCHOLIC MUSIC
BACKGROUND CONVERSATION
Best thing about my new lifestyle...
I get to meet lots of hot guys.
Wraith treats me well.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
I pay for this!
I... pay... for... this!
I pump my arse off, and you...
f*ck you!
Yeah, keep waddling, pig tits.
Find your horizon
and f*ck off over it!
'It's a dream.
'I get to live...
'in a...
'beautiful place.
'And...
'wear lots of...
'beautiful things.
'It's a dream.'
FAIRGROUND-STYLE MUSIC
(COMPUTER) Insufficient funds.
'From Wraith Babes... '
'C'mon, girl... '
'..a Wraith Babes reality special.'
I guess I'd like to be as big as
Thelma one day.
'Millions watched her glide through
the Hot sh*t curtain of dreams
'to sing her heart out.'
♪ Oh, but anyone... ♪
'What happened next
shocked them all.'
We could really work with you.
Do we have a decision?
'Now, watch her
stunning erotic debut... '
♪ PHARELL WILLIAMS: Lapdance
No, no, no, no, no...
'So, who do we have here?'
I'm Abby.
'You were at Hot sh*t.
'You were real impressive.'
BEEPING
(COMPUTER) Resume viewing!
- No! No!
- Resume viewing!
Resume viewing!
Resume viewing!
Resume viewing!
Resume viewing! Resume viewing!
Resume viewing!
Resume viewing!
'Look at you.
'All clean and shiny.'
BEEPING
(COMPUTER) Portal disabled
during commercial.
'You'll see everything.
'You'll see it all!
'Open your mouth.
'Open... take it in...
'take it in... ahh... yeah...
Aaarrghhh!
No! No! No! No!
(MALE HEAVY BREATHING)
(ABBY MOANING)
(ABBY SINGING FAINTLY)
(TV) 'The hottest girls... '
MANIC LAUGHTER
MANIC GIGGLING
CRAZED LAUGHTER CONTINUES
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
PARTY MUSIC ECHOES INDISTINCTLY
Could you stand aside, please?
Come up into the back,
in front of me, please.
Are you messin'?
A what-nic one?
Oh, an eth-nic one! Aah!
On it.
We're going to preview, all right?
Want to follow me in the back?
You're a prick!
Next, lot.
Stand there!
So what are you, a magician?
An entertainer.
Could you say that down the screen
as a self-contained sentence?
I'm an entertainer.
Ah, before you go on,
you need to drink a Cuppliance.
They give me one back there.
Really? Oh, OK.
Well, in that case,
you are good to...
go.
Who are you?
Bing Madsen.
What are you planning to do for us?
What the f*ck?!
'A sort of performance.'
A sort of performance?
Yes.
Mmm!
Man of mystery!
Hmm.
I suppose we'd better see it.
OK.
♪ BASS INTRO,
BUILDING IN INTENSITY
♪ HIP-HOP RHYTHM KICKS IN
CHEERING
Knob'ead!
f*cking cock!
CROWD YELLS AND WHOOPS
Stop or I'll do it. This is a main
artery. Keep walking, you k*ll me.
No-one stops me till I've said my piece.
Then you can do what you like.
Man, just f*cking k*ll yourself.
Get heavy on me, I swear to God,
I kick your ass back to life,
just so I could cut
your g*dd*mn head off.
CROWD CHANTS
Go on!
I think we should let him speak.
CHEERING
(CROWD CHANTS) Speak!
Speak! Speak! Speak! Speak!
Let's hear what he has to say.
CHEERING
Well?
Come on.
Got our attention, as requested.
What do you want to say?
Have you prepared a speech,
is that it?
Speak!
I haven't got a speech. I didn't
plan words. I didn't even try to...
I just knew I had to get here, to stand
here, and I wanted you to listen.
To really listen, not just pull
a face like you're listening,
like you do the rest of the time.
A face that you're feeling
instead of processing.
You pull a face, and poke it towards
the stage,
and we lah-di-dah,
we sing and dance and tumble around.
And all you see up here,
it's not people,
you don't see people up here,
it's all fodder.
And the faker the fodder,
the more you love it,
because fake fodder's the only
thing that works any more.
It's all that we can stomach.
Actually, not quite all.
Real pain, real viciousness,
that, we can take.
Yeah, stick a fat man up a pole.
We laugh ourselves feral,
because we've earned the right,
we've done cell time
and he's slacking, the scum,
so ha-ha-ha at him!
Because we're so out of our minds
with desperation,
we don't know any better.
All we know is fake fodder
and buying sh*t.
That's how we speak to each other,
how we express ourselves,
is buying sh*t.
What, I have a dream?
The peak of our dreams is a new app
for our Dopple, it doesn't exist!
It's not even there!
We buy sh*t that's not even there.
Show us something real and free
and beautiful. You couldn't.
Yeah? It'd break us.
We're too numb for it.
I might as well choke.
It's only so much wonder
we can bear.
When you find any wonder whatsoever,
you dole it out in meagre portions.
Only then until it's
augmented, packaged, and
pumped through 10,000
preassigned filters
till it's nothing more than
a meaningless series of lights,
while we ride day in day out,
going where?
Powering what?
All tiny cells and tiny screens
and bigger cells
and bigger screens and f*ck you!
f*ck you,
that's what it boils down to.
f*ck you for sitting there
and slowly making things worse.
f*ck you and your spotlight
and your sanctimonious faces.
f*ck you all for thinking
the one thing
I came close to never meant
anything.
For oozing around it and crushing it
into a bone, into a joke.
One more ugly joke
in a kingdom of millions.
f*ck you for happening.
f*ck you for me, for us,
for everyone.
f*ck you!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
That was, without a doubt,
the most heartfelt thing
I've seen on this stage
since Hotshot began!
CHEERING
Brilliant!
You...
you're so articulating
something we all,
and I mean everyone in this hall,
something we all agree on.
Even though we may not comprehend
all of it.
I think I'm right in saying
we do feel it.
Even me.
I know you've got me down
as this creature.
You know, hey...
I get where you're coming from.
- I like your stuff.
- It's not stuff.
It's truth. Am I right?
Your truth, admittedly,
but truth nonetheless.
And you're right.
Authenticity is in woefully
short supply.
I'd like to hear you talk again.
How so?
The slot on one of my streams
where you can talk just like that.
I'd watch it.
It was such great passion.
He's a'right.
You're a little hot there, bud.
That throat cutting thing?
Neat gimmick.
What do you say?
30 minutes twice a week?
CHEERING
(CROWD) Do it, do it, do it!
Do it, do it, do it!
Do it, do it, do it!
Do it, do it, do it!
Do it, do it, do it!
Do it, do it, do it!
Go on, you bastard.
(CROWD) Do it, do it, do it!
Do it, do it, do it!
Beats the bike.
Certainly does.
CHANTING CONTINUES
'We have with us Oliver.
Oliver ate and ate
'till he hit 17 stone and he's here
today to try and b*at us
'on Botherguts!
'Keep going.'
♪ They wept awhile
♪ Putting through the darkness... ♪
OK, I'm going to stop you there.
That was achingly terrible.
You have the magnetism of a towel. I
don't ever want to look at you again.
I have to agree.
I'm so sorry, love.
You came across as fundamentally
unlikeable
and really quite worthless.
You could fill that p*ssy with honey
and I still wouldn't f*ck it.
I'm a good singer. I can sing, yeah.
Cos this is my destiny
and I can sing, fu...!
'Like that, don't you, Harry?
'Ah-huh.
'Say it.
'Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
'15,000 new wardrobe options
'launched last week alone.
'It effectively translates as
15,000 new ways to k*ll time
'in your cell before you explore
an afterlife
'which doesn't exist anyway.
'With any luck, it'll take your mind
off those saddle sores, eh?
'You know the only thing stopping me
from slashing myself open right now?
'I might not die right away.
'And before I went,
they'd find a way
'to charge my twitching
half-dead cadaver,
'20,000 merits for swabbing
the walls clean.'
- Yeah.
- Anyway,
'hang on in there
if you must.
'We're all in this together
they say.
'Yeah, right.
'Farewell for ever.
'Till the same time next week.'
BEEPING
Stream off-line.
♪ Anyone
♪ Anyone
♪ Anyone
♪ Anyone
♪ You can blame me
♪ Try to shame me
♪ And still I'll care for you
♪ You can run around
♪ Even put me down
♪ Still I'll be there for you
♪ The world may think I'm foolish
♪ They can't see you
♪ Like I can
♪ Oh, but anyone who knows
what love is
♪ Will understand
♪ Anyone
♪ Anyone
♪ Oh, they'll understand
♪ Anyone
♪ If they try love
they'll understand... ♪