01x01 - m*rder by the Book

[bunniefuu]

Who is it?

You're not intimidated?

Come on, Ken.
Are you forgetting that...

...I'm one half of the world's
greatest mystery writing team.

You don't have gloves on.

Your finger's not on the trigger
and there are no b*ll*ts in the cylinder.

You're right.
I'm a lousy practical joker.

What are you doing here
with that thing anyway?

I was on my way down to the cabin,

I thought I could use it
for protection down there.

I also came by to apologize.

For what?

For blowing my cork the other day.
I got out of line.

Forget it. That happens.

No, it shouldn't happen.
Not between you and me.

So, believe it or not, sir...
this is a peace pipe.

Bottoms up, Jim.

In the middle of the morning?

Oh, come on, relax. It's Saturday.

In the mystery writer's soul,
it is always the middle of the night.

A toast! Dear sir.

I give you...

...our divorce.

Well...it's not really a divorce.

Oh, sure it is. Come on, let's be honest.
I mean, it...

it's no alimony but it's a termination.

Oh yes, and our dear little children.

All fifteen of them.

Fifty million copies.

To the lady who made it all possible,

the greatest sleuth in the world
Mrs.Melville.

Whom we brought to life
and now we're about to bury.

Come on, Ken. You're making me feel
guilty.

All I want to do is write on my own.

You're right. I am being selfish.

OK, my boy, my blessings.
On your solo flight.

Thanks.

I appreciate it.

After all, friendship is more
important than partnership, right?

Here's to our friendship.

Right.

And now sir, I'm going to kidnap you.

What?

The aforementioned cabin, which has
been...

...finished for over six months now.
You haven't seen it.

You're going to be my first male
guest.

I can't, Ken. Not now.

Why can't you?

It's all the way down to San Diego.

Oh. It's a couple of hours' drive.
I'll have you home before midnight.

Yeah... I promised Joanna I'd
take her to dinner and a show.

Oh, that's easy. You pick up that
phone and you say,

"Honey, I'm going to be working late
at the office tonight." Come on.

As soon as we get down there, we'll uncork
another bottle and we'll go fishing.

Well, I can't...

You know your trouble old buddy is?

I mean, you're afraid to
unwind even for a day.

Oh no, I'm not...

Then prove it.

Come on, if you want some justification,

you're doing it as a favor for me.

At least give me a chance to bury
the hatchet with some style.

You just don't drop your partner...

...and then turn down his invitation
all in one week now, do you?

Actually, the timing isn't bad.

I was just finishing the final
chapter.

Ah, Mrs.Melville's last case.

You know we ought to send that broad
some flowers.

I made a list of the things I'd like
to take from the office.

Do you want to take look at it?

I don't get it. It's a list of names.

I'm losing my mind. It's the wrong
one.

I must've left the other one
at the house.

Ah...I am losing my mind.

What's the matter?

I left my lighter in the office.

Do you need it?

That's my security blanket.
I'll only be a minute.

And to think I had to talk you into
this trip. Jim, smell that air.

How far is the cabin?

It's not far, about an hour.
We have to skirt San Diego.

I'll only be a minute. I just have to
get some supplies.

Do you want to hand me that book
in that glove compartment?

Yeah, it's one of ours.

The boss-lady here is a big fan of ours.

I've been promising this
for months. The price of fame.

You want me to come with you?

No. I'll only be a minute.

Miss La Sanka?

Anybody home?

In a minute.

My planets must be in the right house.

Not only that, but they're working
overtime. I have a surprise for you.

Pour moi?

Pour moi.

"Prescription: m*rder"

A Mrs.Melville thriller...
by James Ferris and Ken Franklin.

Oh...take a look at the first page.

I'd rather have the storyteller
than the story.

Well I tell you what.
If you play your cards right...

...and give me my grocery list,
someday you may have both.

Empty promises.

Miss La Sanka.

What do you need?

Just a few things for overnight.
Thanks.

Who is it this week?
The blonde or the redhead?

Miss La Sanka.
I'm all alone this weekend.

Except for some contemplation,

some fishing, and the refreshment
of my spirit.

Could you break this for me?

I need some change for the phone.
Thanks very much.

That'll do fine. Thank you.

Operator? I'd like to place
a station to station call...

...to Los Angeles, the area code is 213.

Hello?

Joanna? It's Ken.

Oh, Ken.

I thought you weren't talking to us.

Oh, that's all patched up.

As a matter of fact, I left Jim
at the office a few hours ago.

We signed an armistice.

Oh, that's a relief.

Joanna, I wouldn't mention it to him.

I'm sure he'd like to surprise you
himself.

Why don't you join us for dinner
and we'll celebrate?

I'd really love to, but I'm...

...spending the weekend down here
in San Diego at the cabin.

As a matter of fact, that's where
I'm calling from.

All right, then we'll do it
another time.

Absolutely.

Joanna, I thought maybe if you...
for some reason,

...needed to get in touch with me,
you do know the number of the cabin.

Right.

I'll see you in a few days.

Fine. Goodbye.

Do you ever get the feeling of
deja vu?

What?

Like you've done something before,
but you know you haven't?

Why? What do you mean?

I'm getting it right now.
It's strange.

You know, I've never been here
before.

Maybe in a previous incarnation,
huh?

Ken, it's fantastic.

The house that Mrs.Melville built.
Wait'll you see the inside.

It's no wonder...

No wonder what?

What woman could resist this
setting?

Not very many. I promise you that.
How about a drink, Jim?

More alcohol? No, thanks. You'll
corrupt me.

You're thinking about Joanna,
aren't you?

Yeah, you know... I mean just taking
off like that...

She still expects me for dinner.

We can fix that. We'll put plan A into
effect.

Pick up the phone and call her.

What am I going to tell her?

The man is too square for words.

Now look. You simply say that you're
working at the office.

You're calling from the office.

She knows you have a deadline to meet
with the book, you're working late.

How many times
have you had to do that?

A couple of hundred, I guess.

Exactly. That's why she'll believe
you.

Yeah... I just hate lying to her.

You're not lying to her. You're saving
her a little anguish.

Now will you pick up the phone and call
her so we can start enjoying ourselves.

OK...

Operator, I'd like to make a...

Hold it.

It's a cinch you have never cheated on
Joanna before.

If you want your wife to believe
you're calling from the office...

you don't have the operator place
the call.

You dial her direct, the area code
is 213.

Hi, honey?

How are you...

Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling
about it...I'm at the office.

I'm pretty well into this last chapter
and I'd like to work straight through.

I know, I know.

This will be the last time. That I
can...

Jimmy?

Jimmy!

Operator, get me the police!

Hello Joanna?...What?

Joanna.

Will you take it easy.
Now say it again once more.

Are you sure?

Did you call the police?

Yes, of course.
I'll leave right away.

Joanna, please take it easy.

And don't worry.

I'm sure it's nothing but a
practical joke. Goodbye.

I know it's insane... I just I...
I...I keep thinking of cliches.

And Jim and Ken wrote this scene
in their books a hundred times.

Look at it this way, Mrs.Ferris.

Maybe he isn't dead. There is no
body, no blood...

No, he was sh*t! I know it!
I heard it on the phone.

This place was searched, Mrs.
Ferris.

Papers on the floor.
Any idea why?

No, I have no idea.

Did you notice anything special,
missing something?

You're sure it was his voice?

Yes. I know it was his voice.
And maybe somebody...

Was he under any kind of extra
pressure or anything?

No, maybe somebody was...

Did he say where he called from?

Yes, he said he was calling
from the office.

He said "I'm calling from the
office."

I really don't care if
anything was missing.

I just really want to find out
what happened to my husband.

Are you sure it was his voice?

I know it was his voice.

Are you sure it was a g*n sh*t?

Yes, that's right.

Would you like to sit down and
get a glass of water?

Yes, I would like. Really, please
'cause I'm not really sure what to do.

I just really want to clear my head.

I think that's out of order,
ma'am.

You see, that's the trouble with these
buildings. The fountains never work.

Then you have to use the coffee
machine.

And then you lose your dime and the
coffee's lousy.

Who are you?

I'm just another cop. My name is
Columbo. I'm a lieutenant.

I've got the proof right here.

You didn't see me in there.

Because I left before you got in
there.

You know why? Because it's so smoky
in there. And so noisy in there.

That I just had to come outside and
get a breath.

Oh...I think I'd better get back.

No, wait a minute. Let me tell you
something.

You look very tired to me.

I think you had a terrible
experience in there.

And I think I ought to drive you
home. Let's call it a night.

Don't you think they want to ask
me questions?

I don't think they'll mind.

I think you've answered enough
questions.

And I'll call them and
I'll tell them you're with me.

What about Ken?
Why isn't Ken here?

I don't know why he isn't here.

Yeah, the other half of the team.

You know that's what I like about
these buttons.

You don't have to push them. They
go off with the heat of your hand.

I'll bet you haven't had anything to
eat...

You're a very nice man, Lieutenant.
But I'm not really hungry.

I'll tell you, Mrs.Ferris, I'm the
worst cook in the world.

But there's one thing I do terrific,
and that's an omelette.

Even my wife admits it.

Uh...I need something for the egg shells.

Over there in that cabinet.

I'm really not hungry.

Listen, you take a taste. If you
don't like it, you throw it away.

I tell you what the secret is to a
good omelette. No eggs, just milk.

A skillet.

Over there.

You're a very persuasive man,
Lieutenant.

Maybe I should hold up my end
and make the coffee.

Cheese and onions.

And butter.

I need something to grate the cheese.

Over there in the cupboard.

Right.

What did they do with him,
Lieutenant?

I don't know, ma'am.

Well...there was no body in the
office.

Couldn't that mean he isn't dead?

Now, that's hard to say.
It's been botherin' me, too.

I tell you the whole thing doesn't
make sense unless it's a kidnapping.

And you don't sh**t your victim
first, do you?

Why'd you laugh before?

When?

Uh... Did I laugh?

Maybe it was the way you put it.
"Writing team".

Maybe I shouldn't say it.

But Ken hasn't written a word of
a Mrs.Melville novel in years.

Mrs.Melville? Who is Mrs.Melville?

The character that
Jim and Ken created.

The one who solves all the crimes
brilliantly.

Well... Why did your husband put up
with it?

What I mean is him doing
all the work?

Well, there were compensations.

Ken did the publicity. He went
on all the talk shows.

He did interviews, and cultivated
the film people...

He contributed.

He just didn't do any of writing.

Boy, I tell you, I'd love to be a
writer. That's a terrific talent.

Where'd he get all the ideas?

From almost anything.

People, magazines, conversations.

I'm constantly finding scraps of
paper and old matchbook covers...

...just all over the house
with notes and ideas.

And those were mysteries too,
weren't they, huh?

They're tricky. I'll tell you that
I could never figure those things out.

It got harder.

Maybe that's why he decided to go
out on his own.

Oh, really? I didn't know that.

I guess he wanted to do some serious
work.

No kidding.

Not very well.

But he'll get over it.

Gee, I'd hate to be in his shoes.

Why?

Well, you got a writing team, and
they're very famous.

Now they break up.
And what happens?

One fellow continues writing books
and the other fellow just stops.

That's what I keep telling Jim.

That sooner or later, people were
bound to find out.

What? That your husband did all the
writing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ken...

I know, I know. Just take it easy.

I drove up here as fast as I could.
Is there anything new?

No. Not yet.

Jo, it's incredible. I just saw him
this morning at the office...

How you doing?

The question is, how are you doing,
Lieutenant?

Well, I'm afraid we just got
started.

Has Jim been found yet?

Has he been found yet?

Why? Did somebody tell you
he was gone?

Lieutenant, I just spent several
hours driving up here from San Diego.

You must know the story is
on every news station.

Oh, right, yeah, gee.
I shoulda thought of that.

Well, has he been found?

I'm afraid not.

What were you, visiting friends
in San Diego?

He has a place there.
A cabin.

Away for the weekend, gee.
That's nice.

Could we get back to my
question?

Have you come up with any
leads, any clues?

Uh... It's a little early for that.

Early? Seems to me your men are
standing around just marking time.

Could I have a drink, love?

I could use one myself.

I'll tell you something, Lieutenant.

See if Mrs.Melville were on this
case,

she would be leaps and bounds
ahead of you by now.

Is that the lady in the books?

That's right.

You see she would have figured it out
that this is not just someone missing.

This is a professional k*lling.

Aha! Here it is.

Take a look at that.

Uh... Put it on the desk. Just drop
it 'cause of the fingerprints, you know.

Jim's fingerprints are all over
that. So are mine.

What is it?

What does it look like?

It's a list of names. Look at that.

Musto, Delgado, Hathaway, Westlake...

Sound familiar?

Yeah...Kind of.

They should.

That's a list of some of the top men
in organized crime on the west coast.

L.A., Vegas, Frisco...

I don't understand.

It's painfully obvious.
One of these men had Jim k*lled.

Really? Why?

Tell me something. How long have you
been a lieutenant, Lieutenant?

Mrs.Melville would have put that
together like that.

Well look, I'm gonna take all the help
I can get.

All right. Let me see if I can
explain it to you.

See my partner and I decided to
split, go our separate ways.

I'm sure Joanna must've mentioned
that to you.

Yeah, she said something about that.

Did she also mention the fact...

...that Jim wanted to do some
serious writing?

Hey, wait a minute...

Dawning on you now?

Knew you'd get it. But that's only
the tip of the iceberg.

You see, Jim was researching a complete
and factual expose...

...of all west coast
organized crime.

I mean he was going around asking
some pretty embarrassing questions.

Probing, compiling dossiers.

That's why they searched this office.

Apparently they got everything but
that list.

And you think one of these fellas
put out a contract on him?

Of course. Word must've gotten around that
Jim was compiling all this information.

They knew they couldn't buy him off,
so what did they do?

They chose the usual alternative.

A professional k*lling, huh?

But if that's true, why did they get
rid of the body?

Who knows? But remember one thing
without a corpus delicti...

you can't prove a m*rder was
committed in the first place.

But why would a professional k*ller
care?

I mean, he's already on a plane
back from where he came.

Lieutenant, I can't answer all of
your questions.

I've given you a list of the most
likely suspects, a clear motive.

Isn't that enough to start with?

Oh, that's plenty.

Believe me I'm very grateful for
all the help you've given me.

Gee, that's funny...

What?

This thing is folded lengthwise.

Like someone was carrying it
in their pocket.

So?

Well, if he typed that on that
typewriter,

and I'll run a check on that,

why would he fold it up before he
put it in that drawer?

I'm beginning to like you.

Why is that?

Because you're finally beginning to
think like Mrs.Melville.

Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up
a piece of paper,

and he'd use it as a bookmark,
you know.

Now however interesting your
observation is,

it only leads us far astray.

However, since you are beginning to
learn how to emulate our dear lady,

I'm going to give you
something that you richly deserve.

A chance to read some of our books.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Didn't expect gifts tonight, huh?

Thank you. Maybe I can pick up
a few pointers.

I'm sure you can.

Could you handle some more?

All right.

Here you go.

Oh, and an extra.

That's very nice.

That ought to keep you busy
for a while, huh?

Anything else, Lieutenant?

No, I don't think so. I think
I'd better let you get some sleep.

That's very nice of you. I just
only hope I was of some help.

Oh, you certainly were.

Well, good night Lieutenant.

Good night, sir.

Actually, there is one thing.
Not that it makes that much difference.

What is it?

When Mrs.Ferris called you and told
you her husband got sh*t,

you jumped in a car and drove
right back to L.A., is that right?

That's right.

You know, me, I woulda taken a plane.

I mean, it's a big airport and they
run every half hour.

It would have been a lot faster.

Well, I, that's true.

But...in a situation like that,
who thinks clearly?

And look at it this way.

You add up all the time it takes
to drive to and from an airport.

How much time do you really save?

Operator? Get me the police, please.
Thank you.

Lieutenant Columbo, please.

Yes, thank you. I'll wait.

Columbo?

This is Franklin.

I think you'd better get over here
right away.

937 Sky View Drive.

It's an emergency.

When I got home, there he...

There it was right in the middle of
the lawn.

Terrible thing to come home to.

The funny thing is, I kept hoping,
I was sure that Jim was still alive.

Poor Joanna...

Every time I think of feeling sorry
for myself,

I think of how much she had
to lose.

Look at them.

Vultures.

Lieutenant, you mind if I go inside.
I can't stand to watch them...gape.

Mind if I come with you because...

...there's no lining on this coat
and it's a bit chilly.

I don't mind.

What? No comment.

You got to be kidding.
What, an interview now?

The gentlemen of the press.

Afraid you're gonna get a lot of
that.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I'm forgetting
my manners. Would you like a drink?

Yeah...well...maybe a drop of bourbon.

Bourbon.

Boy, this is quite a place.

This a copy?

Hardly. It's an original.

Gee, I thought they only hung this
stuff in the museums.

You own this?

Mrs.Melville has been very kind.

Boy, quite a place.

And you got that other place
in San Diego.

Gee, the upkeep alone must be...

I manage to scrape by.

Your drink.

Thank you.

You know, there's one thing about
writers I don't understand.

Maybe you can help me clear it up.

If a fella's partner dies,

does he own the other fella's
half of the books? Half of the uh...

The Royalties?

Yeah.

No.

They go into the deceased's estate.

That leaves you out in the cold,
doesn't it?

Unless you insured each other?

Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit
far astray?

You're right. We shouldn't be
talking about this now.

It's not the time.

Why do you think that they left your
partner's body...

...out there on the lawn like that?

Do you mean to tell me you haven't
figured that out?

Lieutenant, you disappoint me.

It was left as a warning.

A warning?

Of course.

It also proves my theory about
it being a professional k*lling.

See, the moment they dropped Jim's
body in the middle of that lawn...

Please sit down.

You know what they were saying?

This could happen to you unless
you stop in your partner's research.

They were trying to scare you.

Exactly.

Right. So what are you going to do?

Are you going to continue writing
the book anyway?

No. That's the irony of it. You see,
that was Jim's pet project, not mine.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Say I guess they didn't have any way
of knowing...

...you two were going to split up.

No...

Even if they did, it wouldn't have
done Jim any good.

I must say, Lieutenant, you're up
against a dead end.

Look at this. You've got a body,
you've got a motive.

But you're never going to find that
k*ller.

It's not going to be easy.

I'll lay you five to one it was
someone in Las Vegas or Miami,

picked up a phone and put out
a contract.

Right.

How you're going to make a case,
much less solve one, is beyond me.

I guess the only thing I can do is...

...just check out every name
on that list.

Sure. You know what's going to
happen?

Every one of those guys is
going to deny that Jim even existed?

Right.

I must say I don't envy you.

I don't envy myself.

Now look, I got a lot of phone calls
to make. I'd better get on it.

All the luck.

And listen, I'm very sorry about
what happened tonight.

Thank you.

You...uh...

You will keep me posted, Lieutenant.

Oh, yes. I will. Yeah.

You know, there is only one thing
that I'm not clear about.

But that can wait. You want to go to
bed.

Lieutenant, I'm not going to get any
sleep anyway. What is it?

Would you go over for me once again?
I know you did it.

Exactly what happened
when you came home tonight?

Sure. I've...

I've already told you, but...

The moment I saw Jim's body
in the middle of the lawn...

I came running in here and I picked
up the phone and I called you.

I mean it's a purely reflexive
action.

Uh-huh.

Right. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's fine.

Wait a minute,

you look like you're troubled. Is there
some reason for your question?

Ah, it's your mail.

My mail?

Isn't it funny how people are
different? Now me,

if I found my partner dead, I'd
never think of opening my letters.

But I just did it to distract myself.

I mean you gotta remember one
thing, that's a great shock.

Oh, that's understandable.
And bills are distracting.

Listen, if anything comes up,
I'll call you right away.

Good night.

Good night.

I'm going to have a hot-dog.

Oh, I guess I will, too.

Oh, no, Mr.Tucker. You put that
away. This one is on me.

May I have a receipt, please?

All right, Lieutenant, you're
bribing me with a handsome lunch.

What can I do for you?

This is about an insurance
policy.

Excellent! It's about time you came
to me.

I can give you a...

This is an insurance policy
that was already written.

Oh. This is official business.

Yeah. There are two mystery writers,
Ken Franklin and James Ferris.

Your company wrote a policy on them?

Now wait a minute, Lieutenant.

We like to cooperate with
the police, but,

if you want confidential information,
I'm afraid that you...

Hold on, look. I don't want to cause
you any trouble.

Maybe it would be more helpful
if I got a court order?

Oh, Ken, it was simply marvelous.
I was terrified!

Oh, really?

I had the whole thing figured out
by the end of the first act.

You did? I was completely fooled.
You must have a devious mind.

No dear, it's because you're young.

Always remember one thing, my love.

The moment a man mentions a
long-lost twin,

you can inevitably know that
it's going to be some impersonation.

It's an old plot trick.

Yoo-hoo! Over here.

Who's that?

Someone who should be
somewhere else.

Excuse me a moment.

Miss La Sanka!
What a pleasant surprise...

What brings you to the big city?

Oh... I came in to do a little
shopping. You like my dress?

Oh, it's lovely.

See a play.

Yes, she is. Thank you.

I haven't seen her before, have I?

No, I don't believe you have.
Well, it's lovely to see you.

I, ah...hope you won't think
I'm being forward,

but is there any chance of our
having a drink together?

Oh, I'd love to, really, but...ah...

See, the young lady and I are going
to have late supper.

I think you might want to cancel it.

Just why would I want to do that?

Because we really should have
a discussion.

Perhaps some other time.

All right.

I suppose I'll have to find
someone else to tell my story to.

It's a mystery story.
Very interesting, really.

It's all about this...witness...

Just wait here. I'll be right back.

Oh wow, I just can't resist
strawberries.

Glad you like them.

You're making me nervous.

That's quite a stare.

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

Do you know I've never seen you
outside that store before?

You're very lovely.
May I call you Lilly?

Yes, please do.

How did you enjoy the play, tonight?

I thought it was predictable. You?

I like your books much more.

That's very flattering.

But you said something before about
your story.

Something about a...witness.

Oh, yes. Well, actually,

it's a true-to-life story.

The best kind.

It concerns your partner.

Jim?

What about him?

Well, I read in the papers about
his death and I felt just terrible.

Thank you.

I felt just terrible because they
said he was k*lled in his office.

So they did.

Well in my story,

you see, he couldn't have actually
been k*lled in an office.

Because he was...

...somewhere else.

Just for the moment. Let's forget
about your story.

Let's talk about real life.

It is simpler, isn't it?

Much.

I'll tell you honestly. Ken.

I was very confused when I saw
the papers. Because...

...when you were in my store making
a phone call the other day,

I wandered over to the side window
to see...

...if you had brought a lady
with you.

You didn't believe me when I said
that I was alone?

Oh, I believed you.
It's just that...

I'm very interested in you, Ken.

Well, anyway, you can imagine my
surprise when I saw your partner.

There he was, big as life...

sitting there in the front seat
of your car.

And that disturbed you?

Oh, not at the time.

Only later.

And then I debated with myself
for days...

...whether to come and see you
or not.

Why didn't you go to the police?

Oh, Ken...

I wouldn't want to get you into
trouble.

Of course not.

All right, Lilly. How much?

Oh, I hope you don't think that's
the only...

No, no...I don't think anything.

I'll tell you something.

I'm most grateful you came to me
first.

You know why? 'Cause I think we can
reach an equitable agreement.

I do so admire your candor.

This isn't easy for me.

A widow, running a small country
store, trying to make ends meet...

Oh, I can understand that. And I
also recognize in you a woman of...

...some breeding, I mean,
you're not just a common...

...blackmailer.

I'm so glad you're understanding.

Very well, Lilly.

How much for your silence?

Fifteen thousand dollars?

I know it's a lot, but that's all
I'll ever ask for.

Honestly. And I'm a woman
of my word.

I know you are, and I respect you
for that. You know what?

In that spirit, I accept your terms.
Agreed?

Agreed.

And I know you won't take offense
when I say...

...it's a pleasure doing business
with you.

No, no. My pleasure.

Yes?

He's occupied at the moment.
Who shall I say is calling?

Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh. Well won't you come in
and wait?

He'll be with you shortly.

Only a few more.

If you can bear one or two more
photographs.

Fire away.

After all, your magazine was
very kind...

...to Franklin and Ferris
during our lean years.

That's the second reason I granted
the interview.

Oh, what was the first?

Why, the charm of the interviewer,
of course.

Yes, Lieutenant. Is there
something I can do for you?

Oh, yeah...if...if you have a moment.

That's about all I do have.

As soon as I finish here, I'll be
right with you.

Is there anything else? Miss...

May I call you Gloria?

Please do.

Ah...just one last question.

I think our readers will want to
know...

...how the death of your partner will
affect the Mrs.Melville books.

I'm afraid when I buried Jim,
I buried Mrs.Melville with him.

I understand.

But everyone will miss her so.
Can't you write another one?

Oh, I could, naturally, but what's
the point?

With Jim gone, there wouldn't be
much reason.

No, I'm afraid Mrs.Melville has
solved her last case.

Actually, I've been...

...seriously debating as to
whether I'll ever want to write again.

Oh well, I hope you do.

Thank you, that's very kind of you.

Now, if you don't mind...

Of course. Let's go, Harvey.

Perhaps under better circumstances,
less harassed circumstances,

I could give you a more detailed
interview.

Even in more depth...

That will be nice. Shall I call you?

Yes, please do. Next week, huh?

Goodbye.

Oh, sorry Harvey.

Thank you.

Thanks very much.

All right, Lieutenant, what can I do
for you?

Well, I brought back your books.

That's fine. Just put them over
there on the table.

Yeah...ah...sure. I wanted to tell you
how much I enjoyed 'em.

I think they're the most
terrific...

Boy, I want to...

And oh listen, I'll come back,
I'll make two trips on this.

But the lady detective. What a
character! What a brain!

And what logic, the way she
figures it out!

Lieutenant, I'd love to sit down and
discuss literature with you,

But I was on my way out.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to
bother you.

You're going some place special?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm on my way
down to my cabin for a rest.

Would you like an itinerary?

Hey, I'm sorry.

I'm making a pest of myself.

No...

Yes, yes, I am.

I know it's because
I keep asking these questions.

But I'll tell you. I can't help myself.
It's a habit.

I take it you're not going alone.

Whatever gave you that idea?

I noticed the two bottles of
champagne...

Oh, those. I'm quite capable of
drinking those two bottles,

and a good deal more
without any help.

Now if you'll excuse me, Lieutenant.

Yeah, listen.
Unless you just want to...

...take a second to know how we're
progressing on your partner's list.

Oh? Anything concrete?

No, not a thing. Just like you
predicted.

Everyone said they never even heard
of James Ferris.

That's just as I expected.

Well it was lovely to chat with you,
Lieutenant.

Yeah?

Do you have a minute?

Is it important?

Well, it could be.

You see, I was checking the phone
company records in San Diego.

Why would you want to do that,
Lieutenant?

I have to do that. You know, that's
part of my job.

I gotta tie up all those loose ends.

Anyway, on the day of m*rder,

there was a record of a call
from the cabin.

It was a call to the Ferris house
in Los Angeles.

I see. And now you're wondering whether
I can explain that. Is that right?

Oh, I'm sure you can.

Oh, you're right, I can.

But you see you would have saved both you
and me a great deal of trouble...

...if you had checked with
Joanna Ferris first.

She would have explained to you...

...that I had spoken to her
from my cabin, telling her that...

...Jim and I had patched up our
differences.

What do you mean by differences?

Well, you see, ironing out any difficulties
in a separation is never easy.

I knew Joanna would be concerned.
I wanted to put her mind at ease.

Can you understand that?

Oh yes, yeah. That's understandable.

Fine. Is that all?

Yes. That's all.

Listen...uh... Enjoy your trip.

Thanks very much.

And drive carefully.

Don't worry, Lieutenant. You can
count on it.

And here you are.

Bearing gifts.

And more gifts.

Ken.

Yes, of course. Ken.

Now Lilly, let me ask you a simple
question.

Are you up to making a nice quiet
dinner for two tonight?

Here's to prosperity.

And romance.

The daily double.

I must say, Lilly, that was a
magnificent meal.

Where did you learn to cook so
well?

My late husband, may he rest in
peace, was a professional chef.

Wonderful man.

He taught me all I know.

Well, he taught you well.

Thank you, sir.

Refill?

Oh, sorry.

Oh! We're all out.

Let's open another one.

Dare we?

Dare we not?

Here we go...happy new year.

Quick, your glass!

Delicious.

But I'm afraid I'm getting a little
tipsy.

What's wrong with that?

I don't know if I can trust you.

Now is there any reason not to?

Lilly, if I make you uncomfortable,
I can always leave.

No, please...

I do enjoy your company.

You know what we should do...?

What?

It's such a beautiful night...

we should row out to the center
of the lake and go for swim.

Mmmm...sounds nice.

It is nice. Shall we?

Better not.

Why not?

I trust you, Ken. Really.

But we all have our dark sides,
don't we?

It just wouldn't be very intelligent
of me...

...to be alone with you
in a small boat.

After all, you might start having
second thoughts about the money.

I wish you hadn't said that, Lilly.

That kind of talk hurts me deeply.

I'm going to tell you something and
I shouldn't.

But I'll tell you why because I
trust you.

I was prepared to give you
considerably more than you asked for.

Fifteen thousand, I mean I've lost
that much gambling in one night.

Well, it certainly is a great deal
of money to me.

What do you think
you'll do with all of it?

I don't know...put it in the bank,
I guess.

But not right away.

I just want to look at it
for a while.

Better be careful.
Someone might rob you.

I'll just keep it for a day or two.

I've never seen so much money
in my life.

Uh maybe...Maybe you could take a
trip somewhere?

I may. I've always wanted to go on
a cruise.

Oh cruises. So romantic.

Did I tell you that my late husband
was in the merchant marines?

Is that a fact?

They're the ones who taught him how
to cook.

I almost wish he were here now.

He could share this with me.

Well...maybe we can do the next best
thing.

Who did you say it is?

One of the cops said it was a local
woman. Some kinda drowning.

Morning.

Well, Lieutenant Columbo!

I must say you turn up at the oddest
times, don't you?

Listen, I hope you don't mind my
coming in that way, you know.

But the door was open and I
just let myself in.

No, no, no. How did you get here,
by magic carpet?

I didn't see your car outside.

Oh no, I pulled around back and I
put it in the shade.

The sun raises hell
with the paint.

Oh, sensible.

What brings you up here to the
wilds?

Well, I'll tell you.

I heard you and Mrs.Ferris
talk so much about this place.

And you made it sound so terrific,
and believe me,

you weren't exaggerating,
because this is magnificent.

And since I got a two-week
vacation coming up,

I said to myself go on down there,
check out the area,

look to see maybe you can rent a
cabin.

Lieutenant, you're not going to tell
me you drove down here...

...just to look for a vacation spot,
are you?

Why else would I come?

You're wasting your time.

I have a feeling the cabins in
this neck of the woods...

...are pretty much out of your
price range, anyway.

Most of them are rented
for the season.

Oh, gee, whiz that...That's too bad.

Gosh my wife is going to be
disappointed.

Well, it was a nice ride anyhow.

Yes, a lovely drive.

Except for that bottleneck down the
road. What was that all about?

Oh there was a drowning.

Oh, what was it, a fisherman?

Well, I heard someone say it was a
local woman.

Ah Miss La Sanka, or something?

Something like that, yeah.

Did you know her?

Not really. No.

I was just wondering because
when I was in the kitchen before,

I noticed a grocery box with her
name on it.

I occasionally buy supplies there.

Sure, like anyone else who lives
around here.

I think she was the one that drowned.

Yeah, because I stopped by the
grocery store on the way here...

...to pick up some cigars and
I noticed it was closed and...

cops' cars around.

Well, if it was her,

I'd be very sorry.
She was always very friendly.

Yeah, that's a shame.

Oh? You did know her.

Lieutenant, I know a lot of people
without really knowing them.

You know, like...

...barbers, waitresses, parking lot
attendants.

Even the cop on the b*at, don't you?

Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.

I tell you people are strange,
you though know.

I can't figure 'em out.
Why a woman goes out on a lake...

...all by herself
before the light comes up.

Oh, there's nothing unusual about
that.

A lot of us go out early.

It's peaceful and it kind of makes
you feel like you're...

...plugged into nature.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, say, listen, look, you came
down here to get away from things,

and I'm just taking up your time.
I didn't mean to bother you.

No, no, no. It's no bother at all.

Say I'd be more than glad to let you
have a bathing suit,

but you don't look like
you're the athletic type to me.

Well, it's...uh...my wife that's the
athlete.

So you don't think I'm going to be
able to find a cabin to rent, huh?

Best bet is to go down and check
with some of the local...

...real estate people.

Because I think it would be fun to be
neighbors for a couple of weeks, huh?

Yeah.

Say, what kind of night life do you
have around here?

Night life? None.

No partying?

Just sleep and crickets.

I was just wondering because,

you know, I didn't want to barge in
on you today unannounced.

I don't follow you.

Well, last night I called to
tell you that I was coming...

but there was no one at home.

You a reporter?

No...uh.

Lieutenant Columbo.

Police.

L.A.

LAPD?

What brings you down here,
Lieutenant?

Well, I'm working on a case.

Listen, this is not really my
jurisdiction, but...

...you mind if I browse around?

Help yourself, Lieutenant.
Always glad to cooperate.

...didn't she have a bruise on her
head?

How'd you know that, Ben?

Come on, Sergeant, Doc Webster
told us.

All right, so there was a bruise.

Probably a result of the boat
capsizing and...

...rendering her unconscious.

Any indication the lady was under
the influence?

I can't ascertain that until we see
an autopsy report.

The doctor's working on that
right now.

Sounds like drinking to me.

Could she swim?

How in the world would I know a
thing like that?

Any living relatives?

I don't think so. Somebody said she
was a widow.

What about the row boat?

Row boat? What about it?

Who did it belong to? Where'd it
come from?

It belonged to the deceased. I've got
witnesses...

Think she wanted some fresh air last
night?

This is all conjecture, gentlemen.

I mean there's no way of telling.
Maybe she did. Who knows?

It's also possible that she had a
heart seizure, or she got dizzy.

Then you think it was an
accident?

I certainly don't think it was
foul play.

You're going to be in your office
this afternoon?

Absolutely.

How long was she in the water,
Sergeant?

Oh, I don't know. We'll wait till
we get the report.

We're starting to cover the same
old ground here, gentlemen.

Now why don't you meet me
in my office an hour from now.

But we got some more questions.
I'd like to...

I'll answer 'em all then, I'll have
the reports.

And I'll be able to give you
a lot more information.

OK, Sarge. Thank you.

To my Lilly... Love always, Ken...

I still don't know what this means.

It means that he knew her.

It means that he knew her
not casually, the way he said.

It means that he knew her
reasonably well.

All right.

You've got a romantic inscription
in a book and a champagne cork.

Now what does that prove?

By itself, it doesn't prove anything.

But once you assume that Franklin
committed these crimes,

everything fits together.

I just can't believe it.

I've known Ken too long.
He's not a m*rder*r.

Mrs.Ferris, it wouldn't make any
difference,

if you knew him for a hundred years,
that wouldn't change anything.

This man, Franklin, took your
husband's life.

Do you have a match?

Help yourself. I don't smoke.

It doesn't make sense, Lieutenant.

Ken has an alibi.

What's his motive?

I told you how he coulda worked the
phone.

Now his motive is the insurance
money. He needed cash.

He spent money like a drunken sailor,
he had two houses,

he's got paintings,

he's got women, he's got...

What?

"Jack and Jill went up the hill."

"Did Jack k*ll Jill?"

"If so, find out why."

Jim. One of his story ideas.

Lieutenant.

If Ken k*lled my husband, then why
did he m*rder Miss La Sanka?

Well it's my hunch that she knew
something.

Maybe she saw them together and
she tried to blackmail him.

That's pure guesswork, isn't it?

No, ma'am, it's not. Not quite.
I checked the bank.

Yesterday he took out fifteen
thousand dollars.

Today he put it back in again.

Now why in the world
would he do that?

All right. I'm still not convinced,
but...

...let's say I'll go along.

What happens now?

I don't know.

But I've got a pretty strong
circumstantial case,

it's just not enough.

If I had one piece of hard evidence,
I could nail this fella.

But you don't.

That's right, ma'am. I don't.
That's why I'm here.

Maybe you can give it to me.

Me?

You knew both of these fellas very
well. I want you to tell me about them.

Anything... Just talk.

Whatever comes into your mind.

Kind of like analysis without the
couch.

Would you like a little coffee
first?

That would be fine.

I don't know what you're looking
for, but here goes.

They met in a typewriter shop of
all places.

Jim had broken a key and Ken needed
a ribbon.

Does that help?

Keep going.

Well, I've told you a lot about
Jim.

He was brilliant, really.

He'd wake up in the middle of the
night with ideas.

Always throwing off sparks.

I remember he even did it
on our honeymoon.

Funny thing is,

Ken didn't even talk about the
books, unless he was on television.

This the truck, that's gonna move
my stuff out of suite 803?

Yeah.

Almost finished?

Haven't started.

What do you mean you haven't
started?

I'm only the driver, mister.

Ask the other two guys. They've been
in there a half an hour already.

A half hour?

Columbo!

I didn't get a chance the other day.

All right, now what are you doing
here?

Waiting for you. I happened to be in
the neighborhood and...

You're always in the neighborhood.

You tell me what right you've got to
kick those movers out of this office?

Oh, listen. I'm sorry about that.
It's just...

You know what I thought, I thought
you and I should talk alone.

You and I have nothing to talk about.

I'm here to arrest you for the
m*rder of your partner.

What?

Now it's my duty to inform you of
your constitutional rights...

Oh will you cut that drivel.

I've written that stuff so many
times I know it by heart.

What is this nonsense? Your
going to arrest me?

Why don't you make a statement
and save us both a lot of trouble?

You know, I've really got you.

All right, Lieutenant, you got me.
I'm your prisoner.

Here, clamp the irons on me.

Do you wanna give me a dime first, so
I can phone my attorney because...

I promise you I'm going to sue you
and your department...

...for false arrest, and
defamation of character.

I kinda knew it right from the start.

It was nothing definite, it
was a lotta little things.

Little things. Driving back from San
Diego,

on the day of the m*rder
instead of taking a plane.

The open mail.

Never showing any genuine emotion...

...for a man that you worked with
for ten years.

With that? You know what they're
going to do?

They're going to laugh you
right out of court.

They're not going to laugh at the
insurance policy, are they?

I've got a photostatic copy of it
here in my pocket.

They're going to laugh at the fact
that you withdrew...

...fifteen thousand dollars and
put it back the next day?

I've got the book that you gave to Miss
La Sanka, with your signature in it.

You expect to get a true bill
of indictment on that trivia?

Come on, Lieutenant, I was down in
San Diego.

So was your partner.

That's a provocative statement.

Can you prove that?

Yes. Not with the witness, because
you k*lled the witness.

But I've got another way
to prove it.

Will you enlighten me? I must say,

I enjoy watching a man raise
without any cards in his hand.

You know what, Ken. I'm going to
tell you the truth.

For a while there I never thought I
was going to get you, believe me.

You had me going in such circles.
I couldn't figure it out.

Suddenly, I thought of something.

How clever that first m*rder was.

The phone gimmick, working late in
the office. Brilliant.

Are you awarding gold medals today?

Yes. For the first one. Not for the
second one, that was sloppy.

Mrs.Melville, she would've been
very disappointed.

Oh, come on, get to the climax,
Lieutenant.

You're talking to a writer.

Am I? That's not what I heard.

And that's the key, that you're not
a writer.

When Mrs.Ferris told me that you
didn't contribute to the writing,

that her husband did all the work...

That's a lie.

I had to say to myself,

how could a man with no talent
for mysteries...

...make up such a clever m*rder?

If you were that ingenious, you'd be
able to write your own books.

Go ahead, I'm fascinated, as boring
as it may be.

Then I got it.

The first one, the clever one,
that wasn't yours.

The second one, the sloppy one,
that was yours.

But not the first.

And whose idea was that then?

Your partner's. Hadda be.

And his wife told me how
conscientious he was.

You know, the way he used to write
down his ideas...

...on every odd scrap of paper,
backs of matches.

Aah, so that's why you wouldn't let
the movers in.

Well, I had to rummage around here
before they emptied everything out.

Is this your partner's handwriting?

Well, I think I can prove it is.
Maybe I ought to read this to you.

"Idea for a Melville book. Perfect
alibi."

"A wants to k*ll B."

"Drives B to a remote house and has
him call his wife in city..."

"tells her he's working late at the
office."

"Bang, bang."

Sound familiar? That's the part you
used,

practically word for word.

Should I read some more?

No...

Officer.

With this I think I got a
conviction. Don't you?

You gotta admit I had you going for
a while though, didn't I?

Yes you did.

You want to know the irony of all
this?

That is my idea.

The only really good one I ever had.

I must've told it to Jim over
five years ago.

Who ever thought that idiot would
write it down...?