01x15 - Herman's Rival

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Munsters". Aired: September 24, 1964 – May 12, 1966.*
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1313 Mockingbird Lane revolves around a family of monsters.
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01x15 - Herman's Rival

Post by bunniefuu »

[Slurping]

No more, Kitty.

[Sighs] You're getting
the appetite of a lion.

[Roars]

Marilyn? Marilyn?
Oh, it's terrible.

It's a disaster. Well,
what's wrong, Aunt Lily?

We'll be disgraced, ruined,
wiped off the face of the earth.

Your Uncle Herman is
overdrawn at the bank.

Uncle Herman?
I can't believe it.

Down through history this only
happened once before in our family...

When Grandpa overdrew
his account at the blood bank.

Did Uncle Herman
say anything about this?

Oh, no. He's too proud.

Why, if he found out that
we knew he was broke,

he'd never be able to look
himself in the face again.

Well, maybe Grandpa could
help us out. He's very well off.

He was. He was. But you know the
expression "You can't take it with you"?

Well, Grandpa did.

The only trouble was...

he forgot to bring it back.

Herman, say it isn't so.
Say I heard you wrong.

Grandpa, you heard me right.

Ah, I lent $ , to Lester.

You lent money
to my son, Lester?

Herman. Herman,
please help me sit down.

You look terrible. All the blood's
drained out of your eyeballs.

Quick, Herman. Mix me something.

There. Put in that stuff
in... in the blue beaker first.

Yeah. And then that little
jar with the green stuff.

Yeah. And... And then that...
That yellow stuff in the beaker.

A-And top it off with that white
stuff... that white stuff in the jar. Yeah.

[Fizzing]

[Liquid Gurgles]

[Sighs]

Ooh. Oh, there's nothing like a little
celery tonic to make you just right.

Grandpa,

do you think Lester
would lose that money?

It was an investment.
H-He said it was a sure thing.

Herman, you'd better
not let Lily hear about it.

She'll be furious.

That Lester is a born loser.

You remember that time he was gonna
promote the Patriot of the Year Award...

for Benedict Arnold?

And that advertising slogan he was
gonna make a million dollars with...

"Don't be half safe...
Take the Titanic."

Grandpa,

are you trying to tell me
that your son Lester is...

somewhat lacking
in business acumen?

No, no.

I'm just trying to tell
you that he's a bum!

Aunt Lily, how noble
of you to go out and get

a job to help Uncle
Herman when he's so broke.

Oh, Marilyn, the women of our family
have always stood behind our men.

We've always been
ready to put our head on

the block and our
shoulder to the tombstone.

Well, what kind of job are
you gonna take, Aunt Lily?

Well, I found the address of this
employment agency in the newspaper.

I thought I'd go down and
see what they have to offer.

Oh, and, Marilyn, be sure not to
say a word to your Uncle Herman.

I don't want the poor
lamb ever to know.

Oh, I won't say a thing.

[Wind Howling]

Well, we'll notify you
if anything turns up.

Next. [Door Opens]

Uh, won't you sit down, please?

Thank you.

Oh. Sorry.

Name? Mrs. Lily Munster.

Lily... But, uh, if
you don't mind,

I'd rather use my maiden name.

Well, that's entirely up to you.
Uh, what is your maiden name?

Dracula.

Dracula? That's
a... unusual name.

Not at all. Back in the Old
Country the woods are full of them.

I don't want my husband
to know that I'm working.

Yes. Of course.

- Age?
- .

No, no. Not your
weight. Your age.

That is my age.

Uh, what, uh...

What kind of wor... uh...
Work have you done before?

Well, during the w*r, I
did some volunteer work.

In a defense plant? No,
I was an airplane spotter.

Oh. Yes, you stood on the roof, and
you watched for planes with binoculars.

No, I sat in the dungeon and
watched for planes with a crystal ball.

Oh, it was quite
exciting to help out.


Grandpa used to fly
test patterns for us.

H-He had his own plane?

Why would he need
a plane just to fly?

[Man] Mr. Haggerty.

Mr. Haggerty, a new job just
came in. Uh, I'll take it myself.

Calm yourself, Mr. Haggerty.
You're quivering.

Oh, no, no, no. No,
I'll... I'll be all right, Fred.

Now, uh, what
about this new job?

Well, a gypsy tearoom called.
They want somebody to read palms.

I told them naturally
we couldn't fill a position

like that... You won't
believe this, Fred, but...

I think we can handle it.

What?

Madam.

- Did you ever read palms?
- Read palms?

Why, of course.
Doesn't everybody?

You're leaving for the
parlor early today, pussycat.

Uh, we're going to have a meeting. We've
gotta go out and drum up some new business.

Uh, no more of this waiting
around for people to drop over.

Don't worry, dear. Everything
will turn out just fine.

Remember, every silver
cloud has a dark lining.

Thank you, dear. It's little inspirational
thoughts like that that keep me going.

He's gone.

Now, if I'm not home in time,
you put the cauldron on to boil.

Maybe I ought to quit school and
get a job too, Aunt Lily. Oh, no. No, no.

You need an education.
You'd be surprised at the

number of men who will
marry a girl for her brains.

Well, is the work
hard at your job?

Very easy. Why, I could read
palms with my eyes closed.

Ramon is very pleased
with my work. Ramon?

He's the owner of the tearoom.
Well, what is Ramon like?

Well, he looks a little bit
like Cary Grant. Poor man.

I better get going. Now, I'll be
home before your Uncle Herman.

Well, now, if Uncle Herman
knew you were working for a man,

don't you think
he'd hit the ceiling?

No, no. He doesn't
do that anymore.

The last time he did, the
rain came in, ruined the rug.

[Wind Howling]

[Door Closes]

Hi. Anybody home?

Oh. What are you doing home?

I thought you just
left for the parlor.

I did, but things are
awfully quiet down there.

Uh, you can't tell the
salesmen from the customers.

So I decided to take the day off. Well,
that's the way it goes in your business.

You know, you can't
always operate in the black.

Uh, Lily... She's not home.

Where is she?

Uh, Herman... [Clears
Throat] I'd like to talk to you.

Sit down. Go ahead.

Now, Herman, I wasn't
going to tell you about this,

but I think it's best for all concerned
that it be brought out into the open.

Now, I've been watching
Lily for the past few days.

She's been leaving the
house just after you do...

and doesn't get back until
just before you come in.

Uh... Uh... Uh,
where does she go?

Well, that's just
it. She doesn't say.

Well, she's probably just
going shopping or something.

Wearing her best
clothes? Her finest jewelry?

Her most exotic perfume...
Chanel Number ?

Grandpa, I just couldn't believe
that Lily would do anything wrong.

Oh, I don't either,

but if you did suspect
something was wrong,

I have a little plan that
would enable both of us...

Grandpa!

A-Are you suggesting that
I would stoop so low as to...

check up on Lily?
That's just what I'm doing.

What's your plan? Right.

Tomorrow morning you
leave for work just as usual.

And then I will be able
to go down outside...

Grandpa. Uh, uh,
uh, she just went by.

I know. I saw her.

Good morning, Ramon.
Buenos días, señora.

Herman, your wife just went
into that tearoom with a man.

I know. Doesn't that
strike you as strange?

Yes, it does. She's
never been a tea drinker.

Herman, let's you and I sit
down here and have a little talk.

You know, Lily, I can't tell you
how pleased my wife and I are...

at the way you've
been reading palms.

Oh, thank you. You've both been
so kind to me. [Metal Clanking]

Look at that manhole cover.

I never saw that happen before.

I hope there's nothing down in
there getting ready to explode.

Lily, things are
a little slow today.

I thought maybe if the
passersby saw you sitting

here in the window
reading my husband's palm,

we might stir
up a little action.

I'd be glad to. I'll
get you some hot tea.

Well, years in the tearoom business
and I've never had my palm read. Huh?

Oh. [Chuckles] Well, now.

Let me see.

Can you see her?

Yeah. I can see her.

Can you see what they're doing?

Yes, I can see
what they're doing.

- They're holding hands.
- Why would they be doing that?

Well, I... I don't think they're
exchanging fraternity grips.

I always like to
check both hands.

Can you see what
they're doing now?

He's holding both her hands.

Grandpa. Uh... Uh, you...
You know something?

What?

They don't even have
any tea on the table.

I've seen enough.
Let's get out of here.

It's okay with me.

[Crash]

What was that? Uh, perhaps
something did explode.

What did you have
to go and do that for?

Herman, this is no time to be
writing a letter to Dear Abby.

That tearoom Casanova
is moving in on your wife.

Uh... Uh... Grandpa,
let's keep a cool head.

It's just that I want
to give Lily a chance

to come to me and
explain the whole story.

Uncle Herman, you're here.

Yes, I'm here.
Why shouldn't I be?

Uh, this is still
my house, isn't it?

Yes, but I'm
surprised to see you.


Oh, by the way,
Uncle Lester called,

and he's very anxious
to get in touch with you.

Oh? Uh, it's probably
about the, uh, m-o-n-e-y.

Uh, Marilyn, dear, we have a more
important matter to discuss right now.

Uh, I'll talk to
Cousin Lester later.

[Door Opens]

Oh. Aunt Lily.

Hello, Marilyn. Oh, I
was so afraid I wouldn't

get home before Herman
that I practically ra...

Oh.

Well, hello, dear.

Can you spare it?

Uh, aren't you
home rather early?

Uh, husbands are apt
to do that occasionally.

Come home unexpectedly.

Can I make a cup
of tea for anybody?

Uh, Grandpa, why
don't you relax?

I'll go in right now
and fix some supper.

Uh, Lily. Yes, Herman?

Uh, Lily, I'm not one to pry,

but I was just wondering
where you've been today.

Who, me?

Oh, well, I just went
downtown... shopping.

Oh, shopping. Uh, did
you see anything you liked?

Oh, my, yes. At this
time of the year there

are all kinds of goodies
to catch a girl's eye.

[Clears Throat]
Well, I was just, uh...

I was just wondering if you
did anything unusual today.

No. No, I didn't do
anything today that I


haven't done every day
for the past two weeks.


Come on, Marilyn.

Well, that does it. I'm going
right down to that tearoom...

and have it out with that
home-wrecker face-to-face.

Good boy. Uh, but there's
just one thing, Grandpa.

This may lead to bloodshed.

Ooh, Herman. This is no time
to be looking at the bright side.

Get down there.

[Chuckles]

Uh, just a moment.

Aunt Lily, Cousin
Lester's on the phone.

I wonder what he wants.

I haven't heard from him since
the last time he went bankrupt.

Hello. Lily, this is your brother,
Lester. Is Herman there?

No. He... He just went
out for a little walk.

Well, I guess it's all
right to tell you now, Lily.

A while back Herman
loaned me $ , .

And now a big deal has come through for
me, so I have the money to pay him back.

Herman loaned you $ , ?

That's right. I'm coming right
over there with the money now.

Uh...

So that's why our
bank account is empty.

I'm gonna tell Grandpa.

Grandpa. I'm busy
down in the lab!


Well, drop whatever you're
doing and come on up here.

[expl*si*n]

And so, thinking that Herman was broke, I
got this job reading palms in the tearoom.

[Chuckles] So that accounts for
that fellow we saw holding your hand.

Right. [Laughs]

And all the time I was
just reading his palm.

Oh, the joke is on us.

Oh, no. What's the
matter, Grandpa?

Herman is on his way over to have
it out with that fellow you worked for.

Oh, that's terrible. I'd better
phone Ramon and warn him.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello.

Oh, yes, Lily.

What?

Your husband's
coming over to do what?

Now, Lily... Now, now,
now. Lily, don't you worry.

No. My wife's gone home, but, uh,
I've handled jealous husbands before.

Mmm. What sort of
a looking fellow is he?

Tall, good-looking,
average typical family man.

All right. Fine, Lily. Lily. Lily,
now don't you worry about a thing.

Good-bye.

Is everything okay, Lily? Well,
he said not to worry about a thing,

but I think we ought to
go over there just in case.

Aunt Lily, is something wrong?

We have to go out
for a while, Marilyn.

Now, when Cousin Lester comes, you ask him
to meet us at the Golden Earrings Tearoom.

Chihuahua.

Uh, uh, please, sir,
I have to talk to you.

Uh, uh, please, sir. I have an
important matter to discuss with you.

Now look here. I just want to...

[Groans]

Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness. I
must have spoken too harshly to him.

Mister.

Mister?

Uh, uh, say, mister.

Uh, look. Uh, uh, uh, mister...

We're too late.
Herman clobbered him.

Mister, uh, I wouldn't
have hurt you.

But, you see, I
was a little upset.

And you'd be upset
too if your wife,

the loveliest person
in the whole world,

uh, uh, started falling
out of love with you...

and started chasing after
somebody else, you see?

We... Mister?

Uh, mister.

You're... You're
not even listening.

Herman. Herman, I'm listening.

And believe me, he
doesn't mean anything to me.

I was just working for
him... Reading palms.

Herman, Lily knows all about
you lending money to Lester,

but everything's okay now because
he's on his way over to pay you back.

Well...

You mean you
thought I was broke?

Th-That's why you
came to work here?

That's right.

Lily. Oh, Herman.

Baby doll. Pussycat.

[Mutters]

Sister, dear.

I'm here!

Oh, Lester! Lily!

Oh, my baby brother. Herman!

Lester, you're a
sight for sore eyes.

My boy! Daddy!

[All Laughing]

[Groans]

And according to this
line, you will live a long

and prosperous life
with the woman you love.

Golly.

Oh, uh... uh, don't quit now.

More fortune-telling?
No, more hand-holding.
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