05x02 - Smithereens

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Black Mirror". Aired: 4 December 2011 – 5 June 2019.*
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British anthology television series based on The Twilight Zone.
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05x02 - Smithereens

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey.

Hey.

You here by yourself?

- So far.
- Oh.

It's a shame. A pretty girl like you.

- OK, corny.
- Oh!

Maybe I can make up for it
by buying you a drink?

Sure.

- Bartender.
- Yeah?

Let me get a Buck and a vodka sidecar.

What makes you think
I want a vodka sidecar?

Maybe I know what you like.

There they are.

Hey!

Right on time.

- Hey, Karl.
- Hey, what up, girl? This is Daisy.

- Oh.
- Ooh!

- Daisy, this is Danny and Theo.
- Hi.

Hey, lady.

This is my roommates
I was telling you about.

The ones who hooked up just so they can
get the biggest room in the apartment.

Very true.

- Let me get you all a drink.
- You're right.

Get your asses on the dance floor.

- Come on, girl.
- There we go.

Hey. That little role-play act,
the stranger thing at the bar?

Got me hot as f*ck.

Ooh. Mental note to self,
my baby's into role-play.

The sound is yours...

You know it.

What do you do
when you dance in a club

and the place is packed and jamming?

Round one. Fight.

You're just in time.

Aww...

Man, I gotta work tomorrow.

f*ck your work.

New game.

No. No, no, no.

No!

- f*ck.
- Roxette wins.

All right, man.

- OK, one more.
- No, man. It's too late.

Decision made.

sh*t.

Oh, look, he picks Roxette again.

But you've been Lance
for 20 bouts straight.

- Come on.
- I know you not bitching.

- Where we going, Panda Mountain?
- Sucks.

- Crystal Beach?
- Let's go for the Temple.

- Here we go.
- Secret Temple.

- Get ready to get your ass kicked.
- Yeah? Roxette's gonna f*ck your head off.

- That don't even make sense.
- f*ck your head off.

What does that mean?

Round one. Fight.

Come on. Come on.

Oh!

All right, get up, come on. Come on.
Come on.

No.

Get out of here.

- You like? What now?
- Negative.

- Come on, man.
- That's done.

K.O. Perfect.

You woke me up.

Too damn loud.

- You want some of this?
- Baby.

"Baby."

- Quiet that sh*t down.
- Baby.

Baby! Baby! Baby!

Birthday boy!

Birthday boy.

Hey.

Congratulations. How old are you now?

Uh, 38.

- Forty's a-coming.
- Yeah.

Soon be dead, huh?

Sure.

- Have you met Simon?
- Hey.

Uh...

- Don't think so.
- I don't think we did, no, no.

OK. Simon's into bikes.

That's cool.

Cool. That's cool.

Maxwell. We don't kick. No kicking.

Look at him. Sorry. I'm sorry.

- Do you like motorcycles or just bikes?
- Just bikes.

Cool.

- Tag!
- Tyler, go on outside.

Sorry!

- Sorry.
- Let me...

- I'll get that.
- Did he get it on you?

Yeah, you just... Don't worry.

Karl.

- Hey, Theo.
- I have not seen you in how long?

However long, it feels longer.

Is Daisy parking the car?

Oh, uh...

Me and Daisy,
no, we're not together anymore.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. It's... it's cool, really,
we broke up, like, a year ago.

No clue. He... I'm not on Facebook, so...

I can be a dumbass about these things.

No. Really, it's all good.

We're still friends. Better friends,
actually. It's all very adult.

- Well, come in, come in.
- All right.

- Danny's out back.
- OK.

We're not gonna punch,
we're not gonna kick. OK?

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.

OK, go play, no fighting.

g*dd*mn it. Come on.

Can't b*at a little home cooking.

- Hey, man.
- What's going on?

Oh, wow, handshake?

What am I, like, infected or something?

f*ck you.

Come on, get in here, man.

Ah, that's better,
let it out, buddy, let it out.

You're still an assh*le, I see.

Happy birthday.

Oh, wow.

When did you start using gift bags?

The store did that.

You gonna open it?

- Striking Vipers.
- X. Striking Vipers X.

Newest instalment.
Came out just yesterday.

I was in the store,

I saw it and...

Oh, man.

This takes me back.

It says here
you need one of those VR add-ons.

- I don't have one of those.
- Yes, you do.

- No.
- Eh...

No. No, come on, man.

No. It's your birthday,
just take the damn thing, would you?

Seriously, you gonna flip the f*ck out.
I tried it out in the store.

They demoed it for me.
Five minutes blew my mind to confetti.

- Thanks, man.
- It's all good.

That your one?

No, that's Maxwell.

Maxwell. Guys, guys.

Tyler's friend from school.

- You want a beer, man?
- Finally he saves me. Yes.

Thank you.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,
I've been playing with Katie.

Theo,
are we using the plastic cups?

Theo's looking good.

Uh-huh.

Good to see at least one of you
still has a gym membership.

Oh, really?

Seriously, man.

You're walking around
like a f*cking Frankenstein movie.

Look, since my knee went, I haven't
been able to work out, all right?

I'm not using that as an excuse.
I'm just...

- No, no, no, of course not.
- Hey, f*ck you, all right?

I can afford to let things slide.
I'm settled.

I thank God I don't have to be out there
on the dating scene.

Always on sale. f*cking bullshit.

It is like a second job.

Gotta keep up with those younger dudes.

You gotta do a thousand crunches a day?

- Only 50 each morning.
- Fifty in the morning?

Mm-hmm.

You wax your ballsack?

I'm sure as sh*t those young dudes do.

You wax your ball... You nasty.

Till it's gleaming like an eight ball.

Just to stay in the game.

- I pity you, really.
- Yeah. Well...

You wanna know where I'm going
after I leave here?

sh*t, getting your taint waxed too?

Meeting Mariella.

- Mariella.
- She does backing vocals.

What, for the school band?

How old is she?

Twenty-nine.

No, 28. See. Here she is again.

Yeah.

- You wanna share that with the class?
- Mm-mm.

- You lucky man.
- I am, me.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

- Tyler asleep?
- Mm-hmm.

Had to read that damn Macaroo book again
before he'd let me put out the light.

"Macaroo found a shoe..."

"And put it in a tree."

Macaroo's got no respect
for his environment,

that's all I'm saying.

- I can do that.
- No, I'm fine.

Mm-mm. It's your birthday, come on.

Thank you.

OK.

You know, you should've told me
that Karl and Daisy broke up.

- Did he say who broke up with who?
- I didn't ask.

I always said that those two
were not good news together.

So long since I saw him last.

- Had to be last year's birthday, I think.
- In the flesh, a whole year?

Him and the girl on his phone,
is that serious?

I didn't ask.

Guys suck at talking.
How long have you two known each other?

You don't actually get to talk
at these things, though, do you?

I mean, beyond surface bullshit.

Or parent talk.
There's a lot of that these days.

Y'all should hang out more.

Yeah, well, you know, work.

And we're parents.

He's downtown with the label
and we're out here.

We should have him over for dinner.
You could make your chili.

Sure.

Flatware hazard warning.

You gotta put the knives in
sharp edge down.

I know.

Check out the Rodman look on this guy.

How are you? Yeah?

Rodman?

Dennis Rodman.

- He used to be a ball player, right?
- Right.

The hair. Got it.

The app says we need to do it
within the hour. It's peak fertility.

I'm kind of b*at
but I guess that we should.

You not into it?

I just ate so much, I don't know if I can.

- It's best to save it up, though, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Mind if I go to sleep?

No.

I love you, baby.

Love you, too.

sh*t.

- Hey, man.
- Hey, you still awake? You wanna game?

Maybe not tonight. I was...

Come on, what are you playing?

Something g*dd*mn boring
is what I'm guessing.

All right, you got me.

All right, so grab the experiencer disc
I got you, put it on and jump in.

Seriously, man, it's insane.

You're gonna freak. You're gonna sh*t
your pelvis through your assh*le.

- OK. What do I do?
- All right, they showed me in the store.

- You put the game chip in.
- Done.

Now grab the disc doohickey
and stick it upside your head.

- Left or right side?
- Doesn't matter.

- Done.
- OK.

Now hold down the sync button
on the controller.

Nothing's happening.

We haven't chosen our fighters yet.

So, I am...

Roxette.

OK, so where's my guy?

- Lance.
- Damn. All right, Lance, let's go.

OK, you have to brace yourself.

Brace myself. Come on.

- You ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.

Three, two...

one.

Whoa!

Oh, my God.

Whoa!

This is crazy.

- What the f*ck...?
- Yo, Danny.

Said you gotta brace yourself.

Karl?

Crazy sh*t, huh?

Like, I feel solid.

You think your chest is impressive?
Check this sh*t out.

Whoo!

- This is just...
- I know, right?

How's the knee?

Pretty good.

Man, in here, you can do so much sh*t
you can't do out there.

OK, enough of the Captain Acrobat sh*t.

- You ready to fight?
- I'm ready.

Round one.

Fight.

Whoa. Hold on a minute.

Is this going to hurt?

"The game emulates
all physical sensations."

Is that a yes or a no?

It does.

Peace out.

I'm gonna f*ck you up.

Thunder punch.

Windmill wipe-out.

That the best you can do, man?

Jesus Christ.

Don't worry, it resets. No harm done.

That's messed up.

Round two.

- Hold on. sh*t, I'm rusty.
- Fight.

I can't remember
what moves this guy can do.

It's like riding a bike.

- See? Nice block.
- Thanks.

Hyperstrike!

That's double.

Tornado fury.

The leg, the leg, the leg, the leg.

No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no.

How do I get out of here?
How do I get out of here?

Exit game.

Exit... Exit game!

Oh, sh*t.

Holy sh*t.

Hello. Where did he come from?

That's my cab.

- Good night, little man.
- Good night.

- Take care of Daddy for me, OK?
- OK.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not sure when I'll be back.
Depends on traffic, I guess.

Have fun, OK?

Battle stations.

Battle stations.

"his shoe and put it in a tree."

Very good. "The shiny side made a slide.
He slid down happily."

"He fixed the leaves..."

Game over.

Hey, there.

Hey. I can't play long, I...

Oh, sure, me too.

Look...

Last time we played,
I was drunk, man, from the party.

Me, too.

Cool.

OK.

Be good to have a serious game,
you know?

Serious game.

Serious game.

Here we go.

About to kick your ass, m*therf*cker.

Yeah? You're gonna try.

Round one. Fight.

- Come on, come on! Please, please!
- Stop it! No! I'm going.

Can you hear me? Yes.
Can you hear me now?

You're the driver, right?

Yeah, I'm outside of the Taphouse.

Taphouse.

So, guess that's us gay now.

That's a joke.

Huh.

Don't feel like a gay thing.

- What is it?
- Jesus.

Exit game.

What? You're supposed to be in bed.

I'm thirsty.

You're thirsty?

- You finished?
- Yes.

Yes what?

- Yes, thank you.
- Go ahead.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey there, little man.

- Looks like you can use one of these.
- Mm-hmm.

Feels like a dog d*ed in my damn head.

You weren't supposed to drink.

I figured my period was late.
And I hoped it was.

And then it came on while I was out, so.

I just said f*ck it.

I'm sorry.

Next time.

Nose kiss.

Please rinse dishes
before program start.

Round one. Fight.

I'm sorry, baby. I'm just tired, OK?

OK,
I know when you're thinking.

What's up?

How does it feel?

I mean, like, for you,
being in a woman's body while...

Crazy.

It's crazy.

I mean, it's different.

Like...

the physical feeling of it?

It's more sort of...

satisfying.

I can't really explain it.

Like, one's a guitar solo,
the other's a whole f*cking orchestra.

But the tune's basically the same.

Different tempos, though.

Yeah, I think you've run that analogy
to the ground.

f*ck you.

I'd like you to push my feet down.

Listen here, mister.

Listen here.

sh*t.

♪ While I'm alone and blue as can be ♪

♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪

♪ Stars fading... ♪

- Hey.
- Hi.

Can I, uh...

Should I not? I was just gonna ask
if I could buy you a drink.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.

- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

- No, seriously.
- Seriously.

I'll leave you alone.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry.

Hey.

- It's all good?
- It was great, thank you.

Your dessert's on the way.

That was good.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

You know the thing about you?

Sometimes you just sort of go away.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, you shrivel away.

You go inside. Leave me on the outside.

Are you in there?

Of course I am.

OK. So then, what's up?

Nothing.

We haven't done it in weeks.

I've been tired.

- We're meant to be trying again.
- We are trying again.

No. Won't get pregnant
if you don't f*ck me, Danny.

Jesus.

It's not that I don't want to.

I said I've been tired.

I'm sorry...

but is something going on?

Something going on?

That's what I said.

Nothing is going on.

Then what is it?

- Is it me?
- No.

- You don't touch me anymore.
- Theo.

You don't even kiss me.

There is none of the small stuff.

Squeeze my shoulder.


A hand on my back
as you pass me in the kitchen.

- Theo.
- Not even that.

Do you want me any more?

I'll always want you.

No. You know what I mean,
I mean, me. This. This.

I know that I'm not what I was.
My body is not what it was since Tyler.

Don't say that.

Are you seeing someone?

No.

No.

So why don't you want me?
You always used to want me.

It's boring, I get that.

Family life?

sh*t, I find it boring.

But I am loyal.

I'm loyal to our family. I'm loyal to you.

God knows if I wanted,
I could go out and do whatever.

You think I haven't made sacrifices?

I haven't denied things for myself?

A guy at the bar earlier
tried hitting on me.

Half of me wanted him to,
just for some excitement,

some f*cking passion.

But that is what you do.
It's part of being in a partnership,

you shut the door on all that sh*t.

You shut it out
because you have committed.

It's what a commitment is.

Oh, God.
If something's going on, I just...

I just want to know.

I'll deal with it how I deal with it.
I just have to know.

Nothing is going on.

I promise.

I swear.

One chocolate bombe.

And two spoons.

Enjoy.

That's it. That's good.

Sorry.

I'm not gonna get there.

You're worrying about your work again?

I think so.

OK.

Mind if I finish myself off?

Mm.

Hold on. Excuse me, I gotta take this.

Hello.

Hey.

Whoa, what do you mean?

It means I can't do it anymore.
It's not fair to Theo.

But it's not cheating.
It's not real.

It's like... p*rn or something.

Come on, man, you know it ain't right.

- I gotta think of Theo.
- OK. But...

we don't have to completely cut it off.

What about, like, first Sunday
of each month?

- No.
- Just now and then.

Karl, it has to stop. Clean break.

Come on. This is good. This is good.
You know it is.

Look, I gotta go.

- I'm sorry.
- Danny.

- Goodbye.
- Danny.

I gotta get past you, you ready?
Go.

All right.

You win.

And he is down.

- Macaroo found that shoe again, huh?
- And put it in a tree.

Happy birthday.

- Oh!
- Sorry it's not much. I couldn't get out.

It's exactly what I wanted.

Thank you.

That smells good.

It's the sort of red-meat caveman food
you like.

- Yeah. That's a hell of a serving size.
- Yeah.

You having your hunger pangs again?

- There's three of us eating tonight.
- I know, that's what I said.

I mean, three adults. I invited Karl over.

Surprise.

Karl?

Yeah, well, last year
you said you hardly got to see him.

You didn't get to speak to him
at that barbecue we had.

So I emailed him last week.

And what did he say?

He said he was looking forward to it.

Speak of the devil.

Oh, my God,
you remember that crazy dude

that lived downstairs
when we were at Madeley?

He used to bang on the ceiling
when we played the music.

He had a point, though,
because we were loud.

Mm-hmm.

Baby, you remember the time
that you got that molly

and you insisted that we all take it?

I had to go to work the next day.

Lord. We were young, I guess.

Well.

Hennessey and dessert
is as crazy as it gets now.

Speaking of dessert, it's almost ready.

What the f*ck are you doing?

- Just eating.
- That's not what I mean, OK?

Why the f*ck did you come?

She asked me to come.
What do you want me to say?

- An excuse.
- Such as what?

Such as anything.

What am I? Your ex-wife or something?

Look, it's too strange, OK?

It's just too f*cking strange.

I'll tell you what's strange.

Nothing matches it, does it?

I tried replacing it, man. I tried.

I tried f*cking
the computer-controlled characters.

- It's bullshit.
- Shut up.

It's like a rubber doll.
Not programmed for any sex stuff.

They just sort of lie there.

I tried it with real players.

Other folks controlling Lance.

There was this one guy from Holland.

He was kind of halfway OK as long as
I didn't think about this accent.

But it didn't get me.

It didn't get me,
not like when we're in there. You and me.

Stop it.

I tried everything.

I've gone in there as guy players,
girl players,

multi-player gangbangs, you name it.

You know, I even f*cked Tundra,
the polar bear character.

I f*cked a polar bear and I still
couldn't get you out of my mind.

I can't help you.

You want to f*ck Roxi again.

- I don't.
- You do.

- Just...
- The best sex of my life.

Best of yours too.
f*cking transcendent. You know it was.

Think about it.

Think about her. Roxi.

Holding her, her warm skin against yours.

- Please.
- Her tight wet p*ssy.

- f*ck, man.
- She'll be in there at midnight.

Just come on in one last time.
You know you want to. One last time.

What y'all doing?

- Bullshit.
- Bullshit, yeah.

That looks good.

Baby, your plate.

- Is that your tiramisu?
- Mm-hmm. You know it.

World famous.

Good to see you.

Happy birthday, man.
It was good to see you.

Yeah, you, too.

Lord, hug each other.

Guys can be so awkward.

Midnight.

- Bye.
- Good night.

I love this.

I love you.

No.

No.

No. No!

- I don't know where that came from.
- Where the f*ck does this go?

You're feeling it, too.

Just say it.

Say it.

What the f*ck do you want?

Where does this end?

Who says it has to end?

Huh?

- You remember the Year Club?
- Danny.

The old club, the Year.

Of course I do, why?

Car lot out back.
Meet me there in 30 minutes.

Exit game.

- OK.
- We're not gonna fight.

We're gonna kiss.

Kiss?

Like... kiss.

It's the only way. We gotta know.

Know...

If there are fireworks, then, OK, bam,
it's an "us" thing, whatever.

At least we've got a foothold on it.

So let's just f*cking kiss.

OK.

I said OK.

I'm working up to it.

- You want me to start?
- I don't know.

Yeah.

OK.

You ready?

Just f*cking kiss me, man.

Nope. Not a damn thing.

No, me neither.

Huh.

So that settles it.

You know it's different in the game.

No. You got to get that sh*t
out of your head.

- It ain't coming out.
- No.

- It's burrowed right in there.
- No, f*ck you.

Burrowed right in there, man.

- I know it, you know it.
- Hey. Hey.

It's buried in there, huh?

- Maybe we can get rid of it like that.
- Don't push me, man.

- You a big man? What you gonna do?
- Don't push me.

What you gonna do?

OK.

Stop.

Stop! Stop!

- My husband's here. Danny, Daniel Parker.
- Daniel Parker. Yeah.

I knew y'all were mad at each other
over dinner.

So, what were you fighting about?

Hello?

Holy f*ck!

Talk to me.

You guys, bring the kids in.

Hey.

You guys make great babies.

- Ours look like a mile of bad road.
- What?

I wish I was a baby-sitter.

♪ I'll only love you ♪

♪ As long as the sea ♪

♪ Goes on endlessly ♪

♪ To the shore ♪

♪ I'll love you till then ♪

♪ Not one minute more ♪

Happy birthday.

♪ I'll only love you ♪

♪ Till there's only night ♪

- I want that back in the morning.

- ♪ And the sun ♪
- Ditto.

♪ Gives no light ♪

♪ As before ♪

♪ I'll love you till then ♪

♪ Not one minute more ♪

♪ I'm yours, heart and soul, I'm yours ♪

♪ And all that I possess ♪

♪ But if you should say to me ♪

♪ "Will you always be?" ♪

♪ I would confess ♪

♪ I'll only love you ♪

♪ As long as the b*at ♪

♪ Of my heart ♪

♪ Can repeat ♪

♪ Still once more ♪

♪ I'll love you... ♪

- You ready?
- I'm ready.

♪ Not one minute more ♪

♪ I'll love you till then ♪

♪ Not one minute ♪

♪ More ♪

♪ Love is everything ♪

♪ Love is everything ♪

♪ Because love makes the world go round ♪

♪ Love is the foundation of our soul ♪

♪ Love is the greatest feeling ♪

♪ That any person could have ♪

♪ And the love for someone or something ♪

♪ Is the greatest feeling ♪

♪ That ever existed ♪

♪ That's what love is ♪
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