01x05 - Wine & Hip Hop

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Grand Crew". Aired: December 14, 2021 to present.*
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A group of friends unpack the ups and downs of life and love at a wine bar.
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01x05 - Wine & Hip Hop

Post by bunniefuu »

It's like ten apples
on a hot-air balloon!

[LAUGHTER]

What are y'all laughing at?

What's ten apples on a hot-air balloon?

It's kind of hard to explain.

I mean, the conversation
started a while ago,

and it just built up to that.

Okay, okay, well, catch me up.

It would take too long,

and honestly, you wouldn't
get it at this point.

- Oh, come on, please.
- I hate missing out.

Tell me about ten apples
on a hot-air balloon.

Okay, fine, but this is pointless

because you're not gonna find it funny.

Yesterday I went and got
coffee from Blue Bottle.

And then I said,

"There's no point in
owning two microwaves."

Now, keep in mind that Benjamin Harrison

was the rd president
of the United States.

- Carlos Santana.
- Climate change.

- Three mangoes.
- Seven strawberries.

"Hairspray" the musical.

- Susan Sarandon.
- Bubba Gump's.

Which is why it's like ten
apples on a hot-air balloon.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Yeah, you're right, I don't get it.

I guess I had to be there.

- All right, I'll see y'all later.
- ♪ Whoop, whoop ♪

♪ Grand Crew ♪

- [HIP-HOP MUSIC]
- ♪ Grand Crew ♪

♪ Grand Crew ♪

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys,

I have some very exciting news.

Okay, guess what celebrity
is looking for a house

and wants to meet with me?

- Jada Pinkett's husband?
- Beyoncé's husband?

Amal Clooney's husband?

Okay, these are very
progressive guesses,

but no, none of those husbands.

Rap SayJack. I am
meeting with Rap SayJack!

- Yes!
- Say what?

- Damn!
- Okay!

So this is a rapper named Rap?

You don't know who Rap SayJack is, bro?

The man is an inspiration.

He's right up there with LeBron James,

Michelle Obama, Jeff Goldblum.

Goldblum is great.

You know he's also a
talented jazz musician.

Of course I do.

You think I don't know my 'Blum facts?

Nicky, my friend,

I'd like to buy you a drink.

- Wait, buy me a drink?
- What's this about?

Oh, I just want to celebrate
your new opportunity.

Not every nice thing comes with caveats.

You gotta let me meet SayJack.

Damn it, you said no caveats.

I said, "Not every nice
thing comes with caveats."

This does.

Let's make it a Shmicky adventure
like we used to in high school.

Sherm and Nicky together again.

You remember that one
time when we played hooky

because we heard Shaq was
gonna be at the Crenshaw Mall?

Yeah, and we followed him
around all day saying...

BOTH: "Can you dig it?"

Yeah, man, ooh, that was fun.

See? So what do you say, Shmicky?

Oh, I'd love to get all Shmicky with it,

but it's my job, and
this isn't high school,

and I can't bring a
friend to a client meeting.

Okay, so what if I wasn't just a friend?

What if I was your assistant?

Hmm, having an assistant

would make me look more professional.

So is this a yes to my request?

Yes, you're hired.

Fantastic. Thank you so much.

♪♪

So I know we only been
on a few dates, but...

I feel like things
are going really well.

Yeah, I'd say so.

We just watched five hours of
"Mad Money with Jim Cramer."

You might be my dream girl.

Well, I'm glad you feel that way,

'cause my dad's coming to town tomorrow,

and he'd like to meet
you if you're down.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah... yeah,
sure. Sure, I'm down.

Dads love me.

You know, I'm an accountant,
and my handshake is crazy firm.

Yeah.

Uhm.

But I didn't tell him
everything about you.

He doesn't know that you're...

vegan.

Okay.

That's not really a big
deal nowadays, right?

Well, not for me.

But you know I'm from the South, and...

let's just say he's very

traditionally Southern.

- Also, he's kind of a grill master.
- Wait,

kind of a grill master?

Five-time champion and
owns a barbecue restaurant.

Oh, damn!

He's gonna hate me.

No, no, he's gonna love you.

Maybe we just don't talk about food.

Okay, cool, I'll try
not to bring up food

around your dad, who cooks for a living.

Sounds easy enough.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

You guys need another round?

On, no, first I need a
round of Noah's dating life.

See, as the married guy,

hearing their adventures
is the best part of my week.

Really? 'Cause their dating
lives seem pretty predictable.

I mean, Noah falls in love too fast,

and Anthony makes
love to his calculator.

I think I'm good.

Her loss.

All right, Noah, dish.

Okay, so the date started out awful.

We should try that new
sushi spot downtown called Q.

I love sushi.

Ugh, I hate sushi. It's too cold.

- But then...
- [TIRES SCREECHING, CRASH]

- BOTH: Oh!
- We got rear-ended.

Wait, you got in a car accident?

Oh, look, who's back
and fully invested now.

- I'm not fully invested.
- I'm merely day trading.

So what happened next?

Well, that's the crazy part.

After the accident, things
definitely took a turn.

- Ow!
- That was intense!

- Oh.
- Oh, my God, my heart's pounding.

Mine too.

[SMOOTH MUSIC]

I'm sorry I hit you...

Oh, damn.

Y'all about to get nasty.

And ever since then, we've
been getting along great.

I've seen this kind of thing before.

It's called a trauma bond.

My uncle met his wife

on a plane full of deadly snakes.

Like the movie "Snakes on a Plane"?

I've never seen that film, and
I'm not familiar with the plot,

but they survived, and
they're deeply in love.

[CELL PHONE RINGING AND BUZZING]

Hello.

Ms. Coleman, you have
a call on line one.

It's me, your new assistant, Sherman.

It was actually very
disorienting talking

to you on the phone as
you entered the room,

but I am loving this energy.

SayJack will be here any minute.

- Are you ready?
- Yes, I am here,

and I am prepared to be professional.

- Okay.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Nicky Coleman?
- Oh, snap, it's Rap SayJack!

[LAUGHS]

♪ So much drip, I might
turn into a puddle ♪

♪ I like to be the small
spoon every time I cuddle ♪

Oh, come on in! Get in here, dog!

Hold this. Oh, man, that's crazy.

Spoke too soon about the energy.

Hi, I'm Nicky. This is
my assistant, Sherman.

I am so sorry about whatever this was.

All good, that's love.

Let's talk some business.

Oh, fo' sho.

Yo, man, I just gotta say
I loved your latest album,

"SayJack in the Box."

And you were lyrically
unstoppable on "SayJack-Hammer."

I love how vulnerable you
got on "SayJack and Jill."

Then there's the mixtapes.

So I just got off the
phone with SayJack, and...

he wants me to be his realtor!

- Hey!
- Yes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

But I can't fully
celebrate until he buys.

But I am showing him some
really great homes tomorrow.

Excuse me, don't you mean

we are showing him some
really great homes tomorrow?

You and your assistant, Sherman?

Hey, let me buy you a drink.

What you want to buy me a drink for?

Just to thank you for
helping me with SayJack.

Oh, okay, I was worried

this was one of those
classic caveat situations.

You're not showing
any houses to SayJack.

Damn! I knew there was a caveat.

- Why, Nicky?
- Because I can't trust you,

not after how you acted
during that meeting.

What? How I acted?

I just loosened his goose
and helped him get on board.

- I know how to do my job.
- I loosen gooses for a living.

Getting him to agree to
see houses is nothing.

Okay, so put me to work for real.

I could roll your calls.

Do you even know what that means?

No, but I know it's a term,

and that's a good first step.

Come on, Nicky, please!

Hmm, okay, fine,

but only because I can use the help.

And speaking of rolling calls...

You got so much to do, you
can't answer your own phone?

No, I have so much to do,
I can't answer my third phone.

But still, that one
is for active offers,

so if it rings, it is
important, and just notify me.

Okay, that's not hard.

The real hard work starts tomorrow.

Showing the houses?

No, preparing the houses.

Dust. Dust harder!

Sweep. Sweep harder!

Scrub softer.

It's an antique couch, come on.

Work! Work! Work!

Ah,

put in a lot of hard
work, and we're done...

Oh, thank God.

With the first room in the house.

[BLEEP].

Oh, my gosh, I like that.

I knew you would.

And it's thicker than I thought.

Yeah.

I could get used to this.

Well, that's what I'm talking about.

Let me put you on this plant life.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Baby girl, open up, it's me.

Oh, no, it's my dad.

He wasn't supposed
to be here till later.

- Mason?
- Should we get rid of this food?

Yep. One sec, Dad!

- [GROANS]
- Mm, mm.

Hey, Daddy. Sorry about that.

We were just moving my couch.

Yeah,

it used to be right there, and
then we tried moving it right there,

and then we were like, "No,
it's better right there."

It looks like you picked the right spot.

You must be Anthony.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, sir.

Mm, now, that's a handshake.

And he's an accountant?

- I like it.
- Thank you, sir.

[SNIFFING]

What is that smell?

Were you all cooking
something up in here?

- BOTH: No.
- What you got in the bag over here?

Come on. Now, let me see this bag.

[CHUCKLES]

Veggie Grill? What is this?

We were eating veggie burgers.

Uhm.

Dad, Anthony is a vegan.

- Vegan?
- Oh, that's good.

- It really is.
- No, it's not.

Her dad definitely doesn't like me

and is insisting we go to dinner.

I'm gonna get grilled
by the grill master.

- Oh, no, sorry.
- I meant the story's good.

You're definitely screwed.

- Yeah, good luck with that.
- Noah, you're up. How's trauma girl?

I mean, we still don't
have a ton in common,

but the accident seems to
be the only spark we need.

Mmm, I love whiskey.

Whiskey makes me sick.

Oh.

I think I'm still a little
sore from the accident.

- You know what? I am too.
- Can I... let me rub that for you.

Let me rub that for you.

- Mm, oh.
- Oh.

- Oh, yeah.
- Ooh! Ah!

We ended up getting kicked
out of the restaurant.

It was dope. [LAUGHS]

So you had dinner, but
you took the sex to go.

Nice.

Wow, all these houses were fresh,

especially this last one.

Right?

You could very comfortably have sex

in every room of this house,

even the pantry.

Word. That's really important to me.

I could tell. Listen,

the market moves pretty quick,

so if you're feeling it,
we should jump in on this.

I hear that.

But I'ma think on it.

Yo, check it out, though.

I'm having a little
thing-thing tonight,

if y'all trying to kick
it at a mansion party.

- Oh, sorry...
- Oh, hell yeah, we are in, man!

I'm sorry.

My assistant seems to be
confused about the calendar.

I think he means our schedule
is very tight with work.

I've actually never seen your
calendar this clear before.

You're free for, like,
the next month or two.

- Ha-ha. Excuse us.
- Hey, cool.

I'm just gonna watch this
YouTube juggling compilation.

Oh, yeah, juggle, juggle. I love 'em.

- What are you doing, Sherm?
- What are you doing?

SayJack just invited us to a party.

I don't have time to chill.

I have other clients to check
in on and deals to review.

I do not have time to waste

with a buyer who may
or may not be serious.

Trust me, just give him some time.

You said it yourself, this
could be your biggest client.

He's gonna tell all his
fancy friends about you,

and the next thing you know,
you're on a private island

sipping chamomile tea with Rihanna.

I've always wanted to sip
tea with Bad Girl Riri.

And you deserve to sip
tea with Bad Girl Riri.

Let's close this deal.

Are you sure this isn't just about you

trying to spend more
time with your hero?

No, this is about getting you a sale.

- Fine.
- Yes! [LAUGHS]

SayJack, my guy, we are
in. Let's party, fool.

Oh!

And by party, I mean conduct business

in a socially dynamic environment.

I have other offers, Bob.

Don't [BLEEP] me on this.

Call me back in five, or
I'll give you hell, okay?

Okay, thanks. Bye!

Nicky,

put the phones down.

You're k*lling the vibe.

I'm not here for vibes.

I'm here to work, unlike you.

I am working.

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

I am only here to party!

[CROWD CHEERING]

That is a sales strategy.

Taking sh*ts of the Goose
keep the goose loose, baby.

Oh, ow, there he is.

Hey, guys, thanks for coming, y'all.

This is my guy Cedric.

Hey, what's goody? Y'all artists too?

Actually, this is my realtor, Nicky,

and her assistant, Sherm.

- Oh, I heard of y'all.
- Loved your latest album.

Can't wait to hear what drops next.

- Peace.
- Oh.

Cedric seems nice. Where
do you know him from?

I don't.

I met him, like, five minutes ago.

I called him Cedric, and
he never corrected me.

I actually don't know
anyone here, really.

- Ain't this your party?
- The label puts it on.

The truth is, the bigger I get,

the harder it is to keep
the real ones around.

Well, speaking of real,
the houses you saw today

are going to sell before you know it.

- So any more thoughts?
- Uhm.

- Not yet.
- Okay.

Have you had any more thoughts
about taking another sh*t?

Oh, yes, bro!

[LAUGHTER]

Whoa, what's all this?

You'll share more details if
you have a solid buzz going.

- Drink up.
- That's a great idea. But wait.

- What are you doing?
- Kristen is fully invested now too.

It's easier to record a voice
memo than retell her everything.

Hey, Kristen, okay, so
things took a bit of a dip

when I invited her back to my place.


I've been reading more
Malcolm Gladwell lately.

Great.

Ah, you lost the trauma bond.

- So you guys are through?
- It seemed like we were gonna be,

but then there was another spark.

Well, actually, it was a...

Fire! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Oh!

- Ah!
- Oh, my God, that was crazy!

So crazy,

- so crazy.
- [BOTH MOAN]

- That sounds hot.
- And hot.

Fire pun, nice.

No, stop high-fiving my trauma.

What are we gonna do when...

- The fire dies?
- Nice.

This is really getting dangerous.

We have nothing in common.
I think I need to end it.

And when you do, we'll be right here.

Mm-hmm.

That's Noah's update,
baby. I'll see you at home.

And don't start "Top Chef
Junior" without me, okay? Bye.

- Bye, Kristen.
- See ya, Kristen.

So,

- why you vegan?
- Dad.

What? I'm just curious.

No, no, no, it's okay.

My dad had some heart issues,

so I became vegan in solidarity.

It started out as just a health thing

and sort of became a lifestyle thing.

Good, good.

So what y'all eating over there?

It's a buffalo chicken pizza.

It's cashew cheese,
and the chicken is tofu.

It really is good, Daddy.

Oh, so you tried some?

I've tried a lot of new
things since I met Anthony.

But not too many things.

Just the right amount of things, sir.

Speaking of trying things,

this brisket is some
grade A brisket right here.

Why don't you try some, son?

- Dad.
- What? It's very tender. You'll like it.

It looks good.

But no, thank you.

Come on, just a sliver.

I can't, sir.

- Okay, how about some water?
- Can you drink some water?

Oh, no, animals swim in it.

Hell, this country's
going right down the tubes.

Your generation is taking things
right down the tubes, child.

Daddy, please don't do this.

You're the one doing it, Mason.

What the hell has happened to you?

Is this the life you want? Damn!

Nicky, you're never gonna believe it.

SayJack just invited me back to
the studio to watch him record.

How is watching him record
gonna help us sell him a house?

I don't know.

But you gotta let me
go. This is a dream.

He's an inspiration. He's like LeBron...

- Michelle, Goldblum, I get it.
- Yeah, I do.

So just go.

Just give me back my phone.

What? Why would I have your phone?

The phone I gave you for work.

Oh, that phone.

I may have left that
phone back at the office.

I gave you one job, Sherm.

And it was literally to hold a thing.

I'm sorry, but this fit was too tight.

An extra phone would've created
an unsightly bulge in my pocket.

Okay, I'm gonna go back to the office.

I probably missed out on other offers.

Oh, come on!

Those offers will pale
in comparison to SayJack.

I'm not even convinced

that SayJack is a serious buyer.

We have made no progress
with him tonight, none.

- Well, maybe that's on you.
- What?

Look, I wasn't gonna say anything,

but you have been all
work since we got here.

It's a real vibe k*ller.

Okay, enough of this vibe crap.

My vibe is hard work,

but you probably
wouldn't recognize that.

And what is that supposed to mean?

You're smart, Sherm,

but you haven't worked hard
a day in your whole life.

You haven't changed since high school.

Oh,

it's like that, huh?

Yeah, yeah, it's like that.

So you guys trying to come
to the studio or what?

No, I gotta head back to
the office for a work thing.

But you know what?

Sherm can go with you
because Sherm is fired.

Actually, no, I can go because I quit.

- He can go 'cause he's fired.
- No, I can go...

Yo, I don't really need
to know the specifics.

- Okay, let's go. I quit.
- Fired.

- Quit!
- Fired!

- Quit!
- Little bitch.

[AUTO-TUNED] ♪ Whoo, whoo ♪

♪ Shee, shee, shee ♪

Still haven't found my groove yet.

What about something like...

♪ Pang-pang-pang ♪

Yo, that's tight. I'ma try that.

Oh, man, you in the market
for a house and a boat?

Big things, king.

A boat, maybe. A house, nah.

The label rents me houses all over.

So every now and again,
I hook up with a realtor

to see what type of
crib I should rent next.

So you were never gonna buy from Nicky?

No, bro!

Why do you care, though?

She fired you, and you quit.

Right.

- Well.
- Drop that b*at.

[RELAXED HIP-HOP b*at PLAYING]

[AUTO-TUNED] ♪ Pang-pang-pang, pang ♪

[FUNKY MUSIC]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

We need to talk.

Uh-oh, those are breakup words.

I feel like our shared trauma is one

of the only things we have in common.

Honestly,

I've been thinking the
same thing. I just...

didn't want to admit it.

I guess we're no Darius and Nina.

Darius and Nina?

From "Love Jones"?

It's, like, one of my favorite films.

Wait, you love rom-coms?

Hey, so do I.

How did this never come up before?

I guess I was embarrassed.

My friends normally
judge me for liking them.

Mine too.

- Friends are the worst.
- [LAUGHS]

Rom-coms are the best.

They really are. I love romance.

I love that you love romance.

Wow, you found your deeper connection.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, she was
allergic to almonds,

and they were all over her croissant.

Oh, my God, did she die?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Our relationship did.

[COUGHING, BREATHING SHALLOWLY]

Where's your EpiPen?

[GASPING, COUGHING]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

You saved my life.

Or did you just save mine?

She broke up with me right on the spot.

And you're okay.

Usually after a dating mishap like this,

you'd be at home staring
out of your window,

singing "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal.

You know what?

I am okay.

I mean, would it have
been dope to date someone

who is as much into
rom-coms as I am? Yeah.

- Okay, this part's boring.
- Save it for your therapist.

Anthony, what's up?

Well, I broke things off with
Mason, and it didn't go well.

It's only been a handful of dates.

This is all just too
much too soon, Mason.

So my daddy was right.

All you vegroes are the same.

ALL: "Vegroes"?

Anthony, I gotta say,

that was another satisfying installment

of young Black romance theater.

I am so glad I am married
and not in the scene anymore.

Right, it's so much more
enjoyable from the outside.

Wait, you're not on the outside.

You're single now, aren't you?

Oh, no, you're right,

I am.

Ha!

Welcome to hell.

See you at the bottom.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Ms. Coleman, I got
your favorite breakfast.

Overnight oats and an iced coffee.

I have never had that
breakfast in my whole life.

Damn, I'm really not
good at this job, huh?

Well, there's definite
room for improvement.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was hoping I could get a
fake exit interview for my fake job.

Okay, question one, why aren't you

with your new best friend, Rap SayJack?

Well, let's just say

that me and him

got into a bit of a verbal
altercation of sorts.

♪ Pang-pang-pang, pang-pang-pang-pang ♪

So there was really no chance

that you were gonna buy a house?

- [BOTH AUTO-TUNED]
- No, not at all.

- Not even a little bit?
- Not even a little bit.

Man, you trippin', bro.

Man, what you say?

Nicky was out here working hard,

and you was just out
here playing around,

not giving her the respect she was due.

That's messed up.

Snap, I just realized I was
doing the same thing too.

I don't give a damn about your epiphany.

Oh, you gon' hear my epiphany!

But I don't want to hear none of this!

I'm gonna keep telling you

all of this, Rap SayJack!

Are you okay?

It must suck to have beef with SayJack.

You were his biggest fan.

It sucked worse having beef with you.

I was so excited about
SayJack that I really did start

to treat this like we
were back in high school.

Yeah, you were being extra Shmicky.

I shmefinitely was.

But seeing you doing
your professional thing

for the first time made me realize

that you are the real inspiration.

So I'm up there with LeBron,
Michelle, and Jeff Goldblum?

They're up there with you.

Aw! Hey, look, all that stuff I said

is just because I know how
much potential you have.

Thanks, Nicky.

But you have zero
potential as an assistant.

Ugh.

Ugh!

What is in that coffee?

Cream and a fruit snack
I accidentally dropped in there.

Sherm, Sherm, Sherm,
Sherm, Sherm, Sherm.

I looked into SayJack's music,

and the first song I came across was...

- interesting.
- What do you mean?

Well, it's a new song.

But maybe I should just play it.

♪ I don't give a [BLEEP]
about a Sherm, boy ♪

♪ Pang-pang-pang, Sherm, boy ♪

♪ Pang, you a worm,
boy, pang-pang-pang ♪

♪ You so stupid, when
you gonna learn, boy ♪

♪ Pang, pang, pang, pang,
pang, pang, pang, pang ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, pang-pang-pang-pang ♪

♪ Pang-pang-pang-pang ♪

♪ Pang-pang-pang-pang ♪

♪ Pang-pang-pang-pang ♪

SayJack made a diss track about me!

That's so tight, ah!

- ♪ I'm a worm, boy ♪
- ALL: ♪ Pang-pang-pang ♪

- ♪ Worm, boy ♪
- ALL: ♪ Pang-pang-pang ♪

- ♪ I'm a worm, boy ♪
- ALL: ♪ Pang-pang-pang ♪

♪ I'm a worm, boy ♪
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